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Author Topic: How good was your BPD at hiding cheating?  (Read 12756 times)
GreenMango
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« Reply #30 on: December 13, 2013, 01:37:40 AM »

Aren't most people who cheat pretty good at keeping it hidden?  BPD or not?
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Changingman
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« Reply #31 on: December 13, 2013, 02:00:03 AM »

Yep the male friend trump card

Can't I have male friends

Well... .actually... .you can't have ANY friends apparently.
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« Reply #32 on: December 13, 2013, 02:10:15 AM »

"The male friend trump card"... .Yes, she had male friends, even ex's that were now "only friends". BUT, what happened when you tried to have female's that were "only friends"? LOL... .I think the reason she didn't want me to have any female friends is she had sleep with all her male friends so she figured everyone did this! In fact, she didn't even want me to have male friends. Male friends cut down on the time I could spend with her! Borderlines take your life away & suck you dry emotionally... .     zzz
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« Reply #33 on: December 13, 2013, 05:50:02 AM »

i read your story, Iwalk. i'm glad you're clear of that!

My birthday arrived and I texted him that I needed to come and get my things thinking that might at least prompt him to talk to me. I mean it's my birthday right.

He texted me you can come and get your things I won't be here. No happy birthday nothing.

i know how awful that must have felt. mine bolted about 6 weeks before our anniversary, moved right in with the other party. on the anniversary, which she spent with the other party, she sent an email saying, "please don't think this was easy for me." note the self pity. a few days later we met. she said, her face red with indignation, "it was our anniversary! i had to send you something?" note the narcissism.

So I am so upset I text him that I know this and that basically he is a piece of s**t and I copy members of his family because they all think he is this great guy even though all his relationships explode in a terrible way.

good for you! my w's family are legendary excuse makers and i let some of them know about what she did too. i'm glad i did that.
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« Reply #34 on: December 13, 2013, 06:12:52 AM »

I have seen his cheating from both sides of the fence - with me and then to me ... and I can tell you that he is both wonderful at it and he sucks at it ...

I used to see and hear what he did to his ex with me (I had NO idea that they were still together, he told me that she was refusing to accept or let go) ... he would have windows set up on his comp so when he skyped with me (he used to get up 3 hours before his alarm to skype ... he did this every night for months) and if she wandered in, he would just have to do a quick keyboard combo and voila! he would be researching candles or something ... .

I could go on and on ... and then on and on about what he did to me (sending emails to my replacement while I slept not 2 feet away in his bed) - but, suffice to say it was relentless ... I think that is where they hoodwink nons ... it seems impossible that they could be cheating because they spend so much time with us still ... it seems impossible because one would have to be truly evil to tell someone to their face that there is no way they would cheat and all the time be cheating ... it seems impossible because of the time/effort involved - I mean ... who could be bothered? ... but, there it is ... they make the impossible somehow manifest ...

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« Reply #35 on: December 13, 2013, 06:18:15 AM »

I walk ... that is a horrible story ... sorry you got stuck in that.

Mine also pulls the 'poor me-I'm depressed' card ... he keeps telling me that his life has no meaning/is bleak/has no purpose and he has nothing to look forward to ... and yet ... he manages to find someone to f&ck ... I don't know about you but when I feel that way, the last thing I can do is find a new relationship ...

The 'poor me' WAIF stuff is so manipulative as it makes you feel sorry for them and it also diminishes the chance of you (me) attacking them or being angry with them because ... well, you don't go around attacking depressed people right? ... .to top it off ... how can you prove them to be lying about it? It's not like we can peek into someone's brain and measure their emotional temperature ... .

My WAIF THRIVES on lying/subterfuge ... it is the fertiliser that he grows in ... he MUST have it ... I think it gives him a feeling of power/control and allows him to 'punish' the other person (PA bigtime).

God it makes me so angry
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KE151
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« Reply #36 on: December 13, 2013, 06:29:49 AM »

I think that is where they hoodwink nons ... it seems impossible that they could be cheating because they spend so much time with us still ... it seems impossible because one would have to be truly evil to tell someone to their face that there is no way they would cheat and all the time be cheating ... it seems impossible because of the time/effort involved -

Yes, the quality of their show is such that it truly is impossible to comprehend for a non.

In hindsight, I had a gut feeling she was up to something for quite a long time. I ignored it because I wanted to believe her words. At some point her behavior started to change with the phone and computer but also in her way of being around me. I think she got bad conscience (shame surfacing) as I continued to be close to her kids and just kept walking my talk. When I finally confronted her about it, she turned the tables: it was all about me and my "jealousy". It went rapidly downhill from there, she knew I knew.

 

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« Reply #37 on: December 13, 2013, 08:07:00 AM »

i read your story, Iwalk. i'm glad you're clear of that!

My birthday arrived and I texted him that I needed to come and get my things thinking that might at least prompt him to talk to me. I mean it's my birthday right.

He texted me you can come and get your things I won't be here. No happy birthday nothing.

i know how awful that must have felt. mine bolted about 6 weeks before our anniversary, moved right in with the other party. on the anniversary, which she spent with the other party, she sent an email saying, "please don't think this was easy for me." note the self pity. a few days later we met. she said, her face red with indignation, "it was our anniversary! i had to send you something?" note the narcissism.

So I am so upset I text him that I know this and that basically he is a piece of s**t and I copy members of his family because they all think he is this great guy even though all his relationships explode in a terrible way.

good for you! my w's family are legendary excuse makers and i let some of them know about what she did too. i'm glad i did that.

Thanks for the validation Maxen. I really needed that. And for taking the time to read my novel.

Sorry about what she did to you. I do feel your pain. It is stunning the level of narcissism. It really is all about them. Then to add insult to injury for them to act like it is not easy for them.
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« Reply #38 on: December 13, 2013, 08:14:07 AM »

I walk ... that is a horrible story ... sorry you got stuck in that.

Mine also pulls the 'poor me-I'm depressed' card ... he keeps telling me that his life has no meaning/is bleak/has no purpose and he has nothing to look forward to ... and yet ... he manages to find someone to f&ck ... I don't know about you but when I feel that way, the last thing I can do is find a new relationship ...

The 'poor me' WAIF stuff is so manipulative as it makes you feel sorry for them and it also diminishes the chance of you (me) attacking them or being angry with them because ... well, you don't go around attacking depressed people right? ... .to top it off ... how can you prove them to be lying about it? It's not like we can peek into someone's brain and measure their emotional temperature ... .

My WAIF THRIVES on lying/subterfuge ... it is the fertiliser that he grows in ... he MUST have it ... I think it gives him a feeling of power/control and allows him to 'punish' the other person (PA bigtime).

God it makes me so angry

Thanks DC !  and for taking the time to read my long story. I appreciate it.

Yes my ex was a very punishing person when you didn't agree with him.



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« Reply #39 on: December 13, 2013, 10:46:43 AM »

Aren't most people who cheat pretty good at keeping it hidden?  BPD or not?

Mine wasn't. I  think she wanted to get caught.  some of my friends figured it out by her FB  posts,  but didn't want to tell me.  it was subtle,  but noticeable in retrospect.  afterwards,  and now,  she throws it in my face  since " we aren't in a relationship"  anymore even though she's still living in my house.  By throwing it in my face, I mean that she is shameless about skyping him from our phone in the spare room at night (at least her father had the "decency" to put on a jacket and take a walk outside to talk to his gf), the mistaken text I got three weeks ago meant for him, and him calling her phone at our dinner table as we sat down and ate dinner with our kids. I confronted her on all of this, but she keeps doing it! WTH? She says "he's not my bf! I don';t know what I have with him!" Well, any college age jock isn't going to let some woman call him "Love" is there isn't a r/s. She's kind of pathetic, in a way. She's mirroring her family's,  and to a certain extent her culture's, dysfunction. I've had several people from that culture say to me, "yeah, that's the way it is. And in certain circles, if you're not cheating, they think 'what's wrong with you?'."

My X used to say she'd never date a man from her culture due to the rampant cheating (and her father's), but she is now, even if he is adopted into it.

Unlike what others here have said, mine never actually said, "I'd never do that to you," but she used to always say, "if you do that to me, it's a deal breaker and we're done!" (along with hitting her). She actually hit me once, and is now cheating (in her mind no, since we're "done". Literally crazy!

One more thing I should have clued in about is that the past year, she used to say now and then," you can have an affair as long as I never find out about it." To me... .only in retrospect, that was her telling me she was unhappy and wanted to do it herself. I was so stupid. I'll give myself somewhat of a pass since I took on most of the adult responsibilities in our home, and also was taking care of the kids a lot more than her. It was too much to take on all of that and also have the energy to play "teen lover," which is about what she is capable of.
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« Reply #40 on: December 13, 2013, 10:48:06 AM »

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

I'm not going to go into my stories of my BPDex cheating again. I don't want to relive it again.

Hit.The.Nail.On.The.Head.

uBPDh cheated on me multiple times while we were dating and after we were married.  Most were cybersex type things but he did have a long and intense physical and emotional affair with his commanding officer (a woman) while he was deployed to Iraq for 9 months.  I found out when he returned and I hacked into his email and found the evidence.

I wish I could say that I didn't know about all of these affairs while they were going on, but I DID.  I am embarrassed and ASHAMED to say that.  While we were dating there I had lots of suspicions but he was very good at lying and covering things up so I never had 100% proof of anything, just gut feelings.  I guess I was immature enough at age 19-24 that I didn't think I had a "right" to break up with him over gut feelings.  I also remember VIVIDLY the fear I had that if I broke up with him that I would never find someone else to love me.  I had very low self esteem and a strong need to have a man in my life to validate me.  

After we were married it obviously became more complicated.  I would find porn websites and chat room history on our computer.  Once I asked him about it and he figured out he had to erase the history on the computer.  I was always looking for clues.  Going through his wallet, pockets, you name it.  After we had been married for a few months I found a huge box of women's underwear and bras in our basement.  I was horrified and had no idea what it was.  I confronted him about it and he told me that a bunch of the guys in his military unit had "given" it to him as a joke for his bachelor's party.  I didn't really believe him but didn't know what else to do.  My gut instinct was telling me he was either a serial rapist or something a little less sinister or that he was cross-dressing.  I started "monitoring" that box and eventually I would find catalogs for women's clothing, sex toys, etc.  I was horrified that my husband was doing these things yet too embarrassed to confront him and ask him about it.  I also eventually found a box of emails he had printed off with a couple of women he was having cyber affairs with.  This was when I was pregnant with my second child.  I did confront him about that and he basically dismissed my anger and disgust, stating that they didn't actually DO anything (no physical contact) so he didn't understand what the big deal was.  I didn't leave him then because I was pregnant.  

I had suspicions that he was having an affair while he was in Iraq and those were confirmed when he got home.  I saw a lawyer and was going to file for divorce.  He begged and pleaded for me to stay (he had only been home for two weeks when I outed him).  I stupidly gave him another chance with the ultimatum that he had to stop cross dressing (throw all of that stuff away) and he had to stop with the online crap and if he ever cheated on me again there would be no questions asked, I would leave.  I think he was shocked when I outed the cross-dressing thing - and probably horrified/embarrassed that I knew about it.  

It has been almost 9 years since the affair and I have seen no evidence of him having an affair.  I know he still secretly watches porn and has an obsession with womens lingerie.  I found a bag of it in our basement several months ago and that was part of the light switch going off that I have to be done with this marriage because I just can't tolerate it anymore.

Anyway... .Octoberfest... .you bring up the most important point (IMO).  What was wrong with me or lacking in me that I put up with his cheating behavior for so long?  We have been together for 23 years, so that means I put up with the cheating stuff for about 14 years.  WHY?  

First, I have always had a low self esteem, not believing that any man could possibly love me and I should be "grateful" that I even had my H.  The first "boyfriend" I had was my freshman year in college and I found out after 3 months that he actually had a girlfriend back home.  This explained why we never went "out", we always hung out in my dorm room and we were never public.  I had fallen hard for him, so that was a very difficult time for me.

Second, I always had this irrational fear that if I left my H that he would end up with whatever woman he was cheating with and they would have a great life together.  I realize now just how irrational that fear was.  It was always important to me that I didn't "lose" - in other words, I didn't ever want him to "choose" another woman over me.  I guess that goes back to serious self-esteem issues.

Third, I mistakenly believed that I could change myself so that H would start to love me enough to stop cheating on me.  I won't get into detail on this but suffice it to say that I thought if I was a little more like a porn star that I could fulfill his needs in that category and he wouldn't stray.  That didn't work and I just ended up feeling worse about myself.  It took me a long time to realize that I could change myself into an actual porn star and he still wouldn't "LOVE" me.  It took me a long time to realize that he would never love me the way I needed.  I even told myself for a few years that "he loves me the best he knows how and that is enough for me".  I put up with his craziness and just pushed my sadness and anxiety further and further down until I didn't feel anything anymore, which is where I am at now.

I know there actually are cases where the spouse cheats and the other spouse really has no clue.  I wish I could say that happened in my case but it didn't and it is profoundly shameful for me to admit that to myself.  I also know there are many stories of spouses forgiving their wayward spouse.  I don't think I have really forgiven my husband - I've just gotten good at pushing my anger and disgust down.  His narcissistic BPD behaviors have made it virtually impossible to ever get to a point where I could even attempt to forgive him.  The cycle of our relationship has made it impossible to really even *like* him most of the time.

Anyway, Octoberfest, I appreciate your question.  It helps me to get these feelings out and take responsibility for MY own part in where I am at today.  So, thank you.

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« Reply #41 on: December 13, 2013, 11:50:01 AM »

Well, this is something that I haven't thought about for a long while now. The pain and feelings of betrayal have passed, what remains is distrust of other people. That is what I am working on, knowing when and who to trust. I am trying to keep my eyes open to inconsistencies in others stories or actions and not excuse or ignore them. I am trying to be more discerning and at the same time to allow myself to build trust in those deserving of my trust.

As for my story, I was married for 35 years; at about 25 years into the marriage I found out about an affair. I forgave him, I had put a lot of tears, effort and commitment into that marriage and I wasn't going to give up because he made one mistake. Well skip ahead another 10 years and I find out he is involved with another woman. And I find out there have been many many more. I believe he started cheating around year 5 and was involved with other women for most of the years we were married. How did he hide it? I was blinded, he told me he was faithful, that I was wonderful, the only woman in the world for him. So, I never looked, if I had it would have been obvious.

If I could share one thing with younger women who find themselves involved in a difficult relationship it would be think for yourself. Question inconsistencies and search out answers for yourself. Do not be willingly blinded to what is going on around you.

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Changingman
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« Reply #42 on: December 13, 2013, 12:53:52 PM »

While cheating on me mine would tell friends, while I was in the toilet, how much she loved and adored me. They know what they are doing and enjoy it, get away from them... .I'll say it... .

Abandon them.

Forever.

No contact.

Put your energies into someone who deserves it

Revenge done

Full stop
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« Reply #43 on: December 13, 2013, 05:42:14 PM »

Like others, mine gave me he opening gambit about how cheating was, in his eyes, the ultimate crime. How if I ever did, that would be it. Not a problem for me, I felt reassured I was with someone so moral with shared values.

He used to love watching Cheaters, and passing judgement. Now I think he was probably watching to learn how not to get busted.

I caught him cheating online 3 years into our marriage. He was not working, staying up late, while I was working all hours for us to get by. It devastated me. Absolutely floored me. I threw him out, our families intervened and I took him back. He denied it right to the bitter end, until I finally found proof he couldn't deny. Later, he reframed it to being my fault because I wasn't 'giving him' sex. (Because I was working like a dog, and we had intimacy issues that he refused to work with me on - that hollow porn star sex with nothing behind it - you know... .).

Since then, I never caught him, but finding this board, hindsight and thinking about some of his actions and behaviour tell me he probably was. I don't know for sure. He certainly used to tell me he was going to and then stay out all night often enough.

I was replaced soon enough too.

My intuition tells me I was probably cheated on numerous times. Not once, in my 10 year marriage did I so much as look at another man. Not even flirting. I only had eyes for him. And, in hindsight, some heavily rose tinted glasses.


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« Reply #44 on: December 13, 2013, 07:32:33 PM »

Turkish,

I'm nearly %100 sure that she didn't text to by mistake. She did it on a purpose to hurt you. When my husband was replacing me with another woman ( I didn't know ) but I was really depressed even I wasn't able to walk, he showed me the pic of that woman who he is in relationship with and he asked me to leave as soon as possible. All of their actions are premeditated. They always attack you when you are in your lowest and weakest point. A 3 year old view her/his partner as her opponent since beginning of the relationship during marriages and divorces. What would you expect from your opponent? To have a FEELING of a wife or husband? Is a 3 year old able to have these feelings? We have to ask ourselves why we did tolerate these abuse? Why I forgave him when he cheated me before? 
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maxen
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« Reply #45 on: December 13, 2013, 07:52:30 PM »

When my husband was replacing me with another woman ( I didn't know ) but I was really depressed even I wasn't able to walk, he showed me the pic of that woman who he is in relationship with and he asked me to leave as soon as possible.

crikey, pearl, that's horrifying. i'm so sorry. 
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« Reply #46 on: December 13, 2013, 08:01:19 PM »

Do you know he showed me that pic infront of my son who's only 6. I thought my son knows about her because he said that woman loves HIS son ( not OUR son). I asked my son" do you know her?" He said no and very quickly changed the subject. My son is much more mature than my ex!
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« Reply #47 on: December 15, 2013, 08:36:25 PM »

We were in different states, so I suspected but wasn't sure, but it was things she would say, that made me suspect more, she had a co worker that she said, wanted her, and he tried to kiss her and things, I believe much more happened, but just put the thought out of my head, I guess I didn't want to know, we would just enjoy ourselves when I visit, and I had all her attention, but the last time I did visit her, we were going to hang out, and she said to me while we were leaving, I have a friend that I go sleep with sometimes, I said that doesn't surprise me, and we just kind of stared at each other, and she said, not really, I just wanted to see the expression on your face.  I didn't show it, and said that doesn't surprise me, but it really hurt me, and later she tried to clean it up, with I just wanted to see the expression, I believe this was true the whole time.  2 months later she ended with me, she said there is no one else, even though I didn't asked that, but I just kept going back to that statement she made 2 months prior.
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« Reply #48 on: December 16, 2013, 03:15:28 AM »

seems to me that they can be cowherds. When my BPD ex gf was dumping the guy who wanted to marry her in favour of me, it took a day and an evening, I was kept posted on events by text! I kept saying just tell him there is someone else and be honest with him, she wouldnt, preffered to keep him in th dark as to why. I couldnt understand why she wouldnt just level with the poor bloke. I can see now why, because this has happened with her so often she has been stalked by ex's, their wives and ex gf's. She is paranoid about being 'found out' to be such a charlattan by her so called friends, most of whom she bad mouths when they leave the room. I honestly think my ex likes no one consistantly, not even her own kids and family unless they are pandering to her. She idealizes then destroys, eventually she tried to destroy herself by suicide and I was nearly collateral damage, phsyically, emotionall I am still recovering, what fun!
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« Reply #49 on: December 16, 2013, 03:41:45 AM »

seems to me that they can be cowherds. When my BPD ex gf was dumping the guy who wanted to marry her in favour of me, it took a day and an evening, I was kept posted on events by text! I kept saying just tell him there is someone else and be honest with him, she wouldnt, preffered to keep him in th dark as to why. I couldnt understand why she wouldnt just level with the poor bloke. I can see now why, because this has happened with her so often she has been stalked by ex's, their wives and ex gf's. She is paranoid about being 'found out' to be such a charlattan by her so called friends, most of whom she bad mouths when they leave the room. I honestly think my ex likes no one consistantly, not even her own kids and family unless they are pandering to her. She idealizes then destroys, eventually she tried to destroy herself by suicide and I was nearly collateral damage, phsyically, emotionall I am still recovering, what fun!

Abso*******lutely

Multiple RSs getting you involved with complete strangers, competing for her affections!

Everything odd/off/weird then suddenly normal nice. Others confused about everything, you confused about everything.

In the end complete destruction, confusion and total breakdown of everything.

Ouch what fun

Found in a notebook of hers

'The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun'

I think this could be the BPD waif mantra


Goodbye to all that
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« Reply #50 on: December 16, 2013, 04:08:40 AM »

Hi eclectic

I think she was playing this sick game with you and because you didn't participate in her games so she wasn't intrested in continuing the relationship with you. There is ALWAYS somebody else is intrested with these women, really? NO, that's a way to CONTROL men to make them jalous in order to win over them. Self worth of a borderline is less than ZERO but they have these FALSE SELF MASK on and want you to see them much more worthier than they are!

They are very good at reading your facial expressions and play with your insecurities. So probably she wasn't able to control you in that way so you were not a good target for her.

If they do really cheat, normally they hide it and only confess it or INTENTIONALY get caught up to HURT you.
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« Reply #51 on: December 16, 2013, 06:47:19 AM »

RE the original question.

I have just had a quick peek at my ex's FB page - neither he nor I really use FB ... but I scrolled down to have a look at old posts and he had re-posted a pic I sent him (not of me) and was ravig about a TV show I had recommended to him (he was active for about 1 month early this year) ...

The cheating part?

The like button had been pushed by his-then live-in GF ... and he and her watched the show I suggested together ... WOW ... she would have had no idea that these came from me ... just as I had no idea that he was enjoying them with her ... he was the piggy in the middle - with his secrets and lies in plain view - and completely hidden for exactly that reason ... wow.
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« Reply #52 on: December 16, 2013, 07:00:41 AM »

A great actress. I had no idea at all that she continually cheated on me, with mutual friends no less, during our relationship and marriage. Despite her admission that she had cheated on me once during our engagement. I accepted her apology and assurance that it wouldn't happen again; that she would give our marriage a chance. For me, I would never continue a relationship without trust, and I trusted her completely, because I loved her. That wasn't enough.
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« Reply #53 on: December 16, 2013, 09:31:24 AM »

I ultimately caught the ex cheating and dumped her shortly thereafter.  I suspected that she may have been cheating the last year and a half of our relationship but never had any proof.  The passive aggressiveness and control tactics that screw with your head make it hard to know if there was cheating or she just wanted me to believe there was.  I do know that looking back to the time where she cheated until the end that she was a totally different person (4 months prior to me finding out).  It was a fling and they would never be together since she is in the US and he in the UK, but they did chat quite a bit I found out.  I am sure they had some great sex chat/video sessions.  F*cking slut... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #54 on: December 16, 2013, 10:43:29 AM »

Hmmm, i cant take the moral high ground however as I am a recovering BPD / Narcissist due to my own abused childhood, so I have significant insight. I now realise that getting involved with an even bigger BPD than me has shocked me into recovery and I have learned more in the last year about myself than another 20 years of therapy would have given me so... .here is my admittion

I have some excuses for my behaviour apart from my childhood, It really started in my adult life when my partner and I bought a house and planned children, I had been monogomus for 6 years, but when she get pregnant ( planned) she completely turned into another person and turned on me. I thought I had made a huge mistake, I didn't recognise this women. 30 years later I can see that the pregnancy triggered her memories of childhood sexual abuse and she projected the abuser on to me/ This projection in turn triggered my abandonment fears and I started acting out a few years later, partly from shock I thought, but also the loss of trust in her and my own need for comfort. So sadly I turned to another women and I had a double life for 20 years on and off and kept it completely secret from my wife and family.

So I hope you can see how this sort of thing can happen, I am a decent human being with a successful career and a family. On the surface up until recently I have been an ordinary guy... .with a secret life which I started to keep my damaged abused inner child safe and secure as my partner was herself damaged and in need of my support.

So my conclusion, we are all damaged to a lesser or greater degree, I lost my moral compass as a result of my damage and it took a breakdown triggered by another BPD narcissist to shock me into joining the dots, I now have no secrets from my partner, yes still together after 30 years. try to keep away from women that I could ' start up ' with, keep my boundaries firm, play fair and honest and so on. Its hard breaking the addictions and support structures of a lifetime but ultimately I believe I will be a better person who can genuinely love.

I have dome my share of ranting on these threads but I have been forgiven and thankfully my BPD ex didn't die, If she had I think I would have probably joined her, at the time thats how in love I felt with her... .a few weeks later I was cast away like trash... .a hard lesson but karmic.
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Mutt
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« Reply #55 on: December 16, 2013, 10:55:01 AM »

I'm just wondering…... would like to hear stories from people out there about finding out that their exBPD cheated and how they hid it, etc.?

I never found out directly from her. I knew something was up months before she left.

Pregnancy? We did not have sex for 2 years before she left. She started to gain weight and looked pregnant. She quit smoking (usually she would talk about it for weeks in advance and when she was pregnant) suddenly. I asked her why she quit and she told me to "f*** **f". I was asked by family if she was pregnant and I said it wasn't possible from me. She gave me this crazy excuse that she had gone to her pre-natal doctor and she said that the doctor stated that she looked pregnant but it was because of her ovaries and she was gaining weight like she was pregnant. This was in the fall and by New Year's Day she started smoking again and I had asked her why she started again and again I was told to "f*** **f" This is one of the most hurtful things during our r/s. I will never know the truth. I remember her guilting me into not caring about her and her ovaries about 6 weeks before she left. 

A cellphone that she could never find and would ask me consistently where it was, was glued to her hip.

She started password protecting her phone where she never did that the 8 years that I knew her. If the phone was left out, it was locked with a password.

Texting/Facebooking on her phone for 2 hours at a time while we were watching TV together. If I asked her who she was talking too, the response was "a friend". She couldn't give me a name.

1 girlfriend which was a mother of 3 that she used to go out with once every couple of months to Boston Pizza, she was using her name and going out with her 3 times a week for weeks before leaving.

She was usually disheveled when she went out with said friend. Now she was putting on make-up every time to go out to Boston Pizza.

Coming home late on school nights. Usually around midnight.

Not coming home 2 nights and not calling and telling me she was OK or she's not going to come home.

Cellphone records of her calling from the replacements hometown to the matchmaking friend in our city on the nights that she didn't come home.

Laughing at me when I asked her if there was someone else.

Was she good at hiding it? No. This is my first divorce. Are non's better at hiding it? I thought you just knew.
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« Reply #56 on: December 16, 2013, 11:02:23 AM »

Texting and on FB on her phone for 2 hours at a time while we were watching TV together.

1 girlfriend which was a mother of 3 that she used to go out with once every couple of months to Boston Pizza, she was using her name and going out with her 3 times a week for weeks before leaving.

She was usually disheveled when she went out with said friend. Now she was putting on make-up every time to go out to Boston Pizza.

Coming home late on school nights. Usually around midnight.

Somewhat familiar to me... .I called mine "Mother of the Year." *bah*
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« Reply #57 on: December 16, 2013, 11:37:40 AM »

hi mutt. i've gone back and read your intro post on L1 and our situations are very closely similar (except for the children). so you may not be surprised by the following:

We did not have sex for 2 years before she left.

neither did we. a very bad sign of course, but one that could have been overcome by communication. however, during those years i came on to her on a regular if not very frequent basis, and she never responded. for her part, she never approached me. after it ended she said "i haven't had a marriage in 2 years." in other words, her non-response and non-initiation was my fault.
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« Reply #58 on: December 16, 2013, 12:23:09 PM »

Everyone's good at hiding cheating until they get caught! 

This is the HUGE issue for me, when my ex got caught he refused to talk, accepted no respnsibility for lying to me for 2 plus years and then tried to turn everything around on me because I was "a crazy person" . 

Mine hid it by playing the victim.  I'm sick, I'm depressed, I have a lot of anxiety and I need to be alone, My relative died, my dog died, etc... .

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Yep!  This is ME!
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Mutt
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« Reply #59 on: December 16, 2013, 12:25:10 PM »

neither did we. a very bad sign of course, but one that could have been overcome by communication. however, during those years i came on to her on a regular if not very frequent basis, and she never responded. for her part, she never approached me. after it ended she said "i haven't had a marriage in 2 years." in other words, her non-response and non-initiation was my fault.

Hi Maxen.

Who controls sex?

I had often come on to her, but she would say that she had a migraine, or that she was upset with some imaginary thing that I did, she wasn't feeling well... .

I would of loved to have made made-up sex but she didn't want to bury the hatchet. Often she would start several fights that would overlap through-out the week. Rinse-repeat.

She was telling me that she was masturbating frequently around the last few months that we were together, but didn't want to have sex. I read somewhere some BPD do this when they are detaching.

She would project and blame me for not wanting it and often she would be verbally abusive by calling me "f****** f***tt!" and her favorite, "all of my friends think that your gay!"

Sex or no sex I was still committed and never strayed outside of the marriage.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I could of tried harder with communicating. At the time I felt frustration, emasculated, depressed and I wasn't attracted to a person that was too busy with accusations, defensiveness and relished picking fights.
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