Why BPD Breakups end Badly

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was just thinking about something and it clicked.

Like a lightbulb going off above me 

Whenever my ex dumped me I could not talk to her about it. It was my fault, she was done and wanted nothing to do with me.

It used to infuriate me because there was never a discussion things "weren't working" or we should talk about it, she just dumped me, over. Kaput. And when I asked of course it was all my fault.

This last time she actually came over and said we should "see other people". Maybe this wasn't a BPD thing, she just wanted out and to see other people. She was so calm about it. It was a week before my birthday and right before these lovely holidays, of course! It was after I questioned it (the reason for the breakup) she changed her number, FB and email and said she was gone from my life forever, that I betrayed her and she would never trust me again.

I still believe there is someone else but the fact that during that break up she told me we would be friends forever and she "loved me very much" to cutting me out so completely and coldly... .

That is what hurts so much. I truly believe I will never hear from her again... .which isn't a bad thing. I am just saddened how this all went down. I will never contact her myself though. Let sleeping dogs lie.

[Pretty Woman]

I was just thinking about something and it clicked.

Like a lightbulb going off above me 

Whenever my ex dumped me I could not talk to her about it. It was my fault, she was done and wanted nothing to do with me.

It used to infuriate me because there was never a discussion things "weren't working" or we should talk about it, she just dumped me, over. Kaput. And when I asked of course it was all my fault.

This last time she actually came over and said we should "see other people". Maybe this wasn't a BPD thing, she just wanted out and to see other people. She was so calm about it. It was a week before my birthday and right before these lovely holidays, of course! It was after I questioned it (the reason for the breakup) she changed her number, FB and email and said she was gone from my life forever, that I betrayed her and she would never trust me again.

I still believe there is someone else but the fact that during that break up she told me we would be friends forever and she "loved me very much" to cutting me out so completely and coldly... .

That is what hurts so much. I truly believe I will never hear from her again... .which isn't a bad thing. I am just saddened how this all went down. I will never contact her myself though. Let sleeping dogs lie.

[seeking balance]

Earth Angel,

Ending badly... .you mean why does it hurt so much?

Simply, this is your core hurt that has been exposed.  This person opened up a part of you that you kept buried, now it is out there and exposed and you are feeling alone - it is scary and sad because your heart is broken.

You trusted her and your friends - and she left - of course it hurts.  This is normal for any breakup, not just BPD.

All of us here trusted our hearts and our core selves to someone who abused that privilege.  It is up to us to now heal that core hurt - the grief process is scary and hard, but we do get stronger.

Peace,

SB

[Mutt]

It sounds like Earth Angel's ex had a lack of sympathy/empathy when they broke up.

I can speak for my ex. After 8 years all that she said is "I'm done" Really? After all that we've been through that is all that you can say. That was it.

A break-up with two adults is usually something that you can both discuss/express your feelings about why the r/s is not working. Not leaving with someone under your wings and cutting them off.

Your doing good with let sleeping dogs lie. Find your own closure.

[Littleopener]

Same thing here. He just stopped wanting to see me. Didn't even "dump" me, just said "I don't think we should talk so often". When I questioned him about it, he said he couldn't trust me, it was all my fault and refused to meet up to talk about it or even to make sure our friendship survived.

Very hard knowing that someone you love has so little respect for you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Of course you're saddened with how it all went down. I think in such cases we need to find our own closure and reading as much as you can here and understanding BPD will help.  You can't rely on your ex to aid you here.

Mine rang a thug in the middle of the night and said, "It's time". She them turned to me and said, "you better get out of here before he gets here". It was not safe for me to stay in my home so I got the heck out of there, and fast, too. You got a lot more than I did so consider yourself lucky.

The trick now is to stop ruminating and get on with healing. The hard part for me right now is deciding which beach do I want to lie on for the next 2-3 weeks - one of the untouched white sandy beaches of Vietnam or one in Thailand? Decisions, decisions... .

[Mutt]

Same thing here. He just stopped wanting to see me. Didn't even "dump" me, just said "I don't think we should talk so often". When I questioned him about it, he said he couldn't trust me, it was all my fault and refused to meet up to talk about it or even to make sure our friendship survived.

Very hard knowing that someone you love has so little respect for you.

I can say that I've been on both sides of the fence. I remember that I had had enough and we we're separated and met at a restaurant. I told her such, and told her I think it's time that she moved back home with her mom and her child and I move back to the home with my kids and I needed a real separation. I always left home and went to my sister's for a month or so.

That time and one other was the only time that I had elicited an emotional response. Tears were running down her face and she was emotionally upset. "You can't leave me". It looked genuine but it was her fear of abandonment being triggered, but they were crocodile tears.

When the shoe was on the other foot and she had found a replacement. She was cold, distant, frantically blaming me for her actions and simply left without compassion or remorse and a distortion campaign that was well underway for months. It felt like two opposites of the spectrum, but in either case, I was never in the equation.

[maxen]

It used to infuriate me because there was never a discussion things "weren't working" or we should talk about it, she just dumped me, over. Kaput. And when I asked of course it was all my fault.

my w expressed unhappiness with the state of our marriage exactly once: in an email sent in the middle of the work day. and in it she blamed me. no talk of her own feelings and why. one month later she blew our marriage up by revealing her deceit and literally walking out and moving in with the other party.

she had found a replacement. She was cold, distant, frantically blaming me for her actions and simply left without compassion or remorse and a distortion campaign that was well underway for months. It felt like two opposites of the spectrum, but in either case, I was never in the equation.

ditto.

nor i'm guessing was your replacement in the equation, in any real sense. mine referred to her new thing as "i like what i have" and "i'm not ready to leave it" (putatively to come back). nb: "what i have" and "leave it."

[Mutt]

my w expressed unhappiness with the state of our marriage exactly once: in an email sent in the middle of the work day. and in it she blamed me. no talk of her own feelings and why. one month later she blew our marriage up by revealing her deceit and literally walking out and moving in with the other party.

Projection. Lack of sympathy/empathy.

My ex did the same. She moved out. Exposed the replacement to the kids a week after and the replacement moved in with her. It's my kids I'm the most worried about because they are small. Realistically, this is not the first and last new sheriff in town. I'll have to contend with more selfish men with my kids. IMO this replacement was not sympathetic to my kids emotional needs by moving in. He thought about himself only and did not give them space.

ditto.

nor i'm guessing was your replacement in the equation, in any real sense. mine referred to her new thing as "i like what i have" and "i'm not ready to leave it" (putatively to come back). nb: "what i have" and "leave it."

I agree.  

Often her communique's with me by e-mail since separation include personal pronouns such as "we" and "our". The context sometimes is still as if she thought we were together  

[eclectic]

Earth Angel,

Ending badly... .you mean why does it hurt so much?

Simply, this is your core hurt that has been exposed.  This person opened up a part of you that you kept buried, now it is out there and exposed and you are feeling alone - it is scary and sad because your heart is broken.

I don't think it is a core hurt in us exposed, in situations like this, a lot of us say that, but anyone, no matter who you are, if you love someone, and just one day out the blue, they basically dump you, and pretty much is saying and actions are showing you meant nothing to them, you are going to be speechless, and hurt.

[Ironmanrises]

Do you know why she couldn't talk to you about why she was leaving you? Because to do so would imply that she has the ability to self reflect. Someone with BPD has no self to self reflect on. So the entire time from the start of devaluation and continuing through to discard, she has to believe that it really is you to blame, that you are this hideous monster who has hurt her, etc to fit into the scripted loop that plays out in her distorted mind. To self reflect would have resulted in viewing herself as the culprit for the horrible behavior done to you, her self protection defense mechanisms cultivated since whenever her trauma occurred kick in and reflect that sh¥t back onto the person closest to them, you in this case. That way of thinking is alien to a non, we do not operate in such a destructive way. Why? Because we have a sense of self that we can fall back on and begin to self reflect on why something is happening. Trying to understand this disorder is like trying to draw diagrams outside with straws on a windy day. An exercise in futility. Hang in there Earth. It was no different with mine, there was no self reflection. Medusa banished me to a world of piss and sh¥t.  

[TakingWingAtLast]

All:

I think you all have it.  I have felt the exact same sense of reflection accompanied with the cold and lonely feeling of being discarded.  No matter who ended it, it always seems that we are simply gone in the expwBPD's mind.  Like we never existed.  Indeed, I think that that may be the reality as painful as that is to say.  If the pwBPD is unable to really attach, then this makes perfect sense.

The ex said she would "miss me" two days after we split up.  But it was hollow.  It was perfunctory rather than sincere.  Like she was saying it to someone she had just met.

This was definitely one of the hardest things to fathom.  I'm in real pain at the loss.  And she has no sense that anything is actually missing.  So sad for her, really.

D

[RecycledNoMore]

Of course you're saddened with how it all went down. I think in such cases we need to find our own closure and reading as much as you can here and understanding BPD will help.  You can't rely on your ex to aid you here.

Mine rang a thug in the middle of the night and said, "It's time". She them turned to me and said, "you better get out of here before he gets here". It was not safe for me to stay in my home so I got the heck out of there, and fast, too. You got a lot more than I did so consider yourself lucky.

The trick now is to stop ruminating and get on with healing. The hard part for me right now is deciding which beach do I want to lie on for the next 2-3 weeks - one of the untouched white sandy beaches of Vietnam or one in Thailand? Decisions, decisions... .

My brow is so furrowed after reading that, its madness!, madness!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Earth Angel,

Ending badly... .you mean why does it hurt so much?

Simply, this is your core hurt that has been exposed.  This person opened up a part of you that you kept buried, now it is out there and exposed and you are feeling alone - it is scary and sad because your heart is broken.

I don't think it is a core hurt in us exposed, in situations like this, a lot of us say that, but anyone, no matter who you are, if you love someone, and just one day out the blue, they basically dump you, and pretty much is saying and actions are showing you meant nothing to them, you are going to be speechless, and hurt.

I was just going to write the same thing! With all due respect I really don't understand why everything has to be attributed to some psychological issue we already had.

This behavior would have been extremely hurtful to anyone.

[Mutt]

I was just going to write the same thing! With all due respect I really don't understand why everything has to be attributed to some psychological issue we already had.

This behavior would have been extremely hurtful to anyone.

They don't just attach themselves to anyone.

A person with strong boundaries wouldn't of put up with their nonsense and dumped them.

What made us put up with it?

[Pretty Woman]

Mutt,

   My T said the same thing.  She said, why do you think you put up with it?

And I said it was a fear of being alone.

To which she answered, But weren't you alone this entire relationship?

Something to chew on.

[Mutt]

Mutt,

  My T said the same thing.  She said, why do you think you put up with it?

And I said it was a fear of being alone.

To which she answered, But weren't you alone this entire relationship?

Something to chew on.

I got dumped by an undiagnosed one. I had always thought I was staying in it for obligation.

I was going through the same patterns, push/pull and kept doing the same thing thinking that I would eventually get a different result.

Crazy-making behavior really.

Not until she was gone did I feel how enmeshed that I was with her. I'm no expert in normal r/s's but you should know where one person ends and the other begins.

I'd agree. I feared being alone.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I was just going to write the same thing! With all due respect I really don't understand why everything has to be attributed to some psychological issue we already had.

This behavior would have been extremely hurtful to anyone.

They don't just attach themselves to anyone.

A person with strong boundaries wouldn't of put up with their nonsense and dumped them.

What made us put up with it?

I guess I just don't think it is as simple as that. It seems I may be in the minority here. I think I have strong boundaries but for various reasons they became loosened before I realized it. I think something happens to your mind in that you slowly become conditioned to the behaviors. Now that I'm out I don't think it's normal or would ever put up with it. I think I really believed it was fixable because there were so many times he was so normal and loving.

In my opinion I don't think that's true that they don't just attach to anyone. (Most nons aren't attracted to everyone either) My ex could probably throw a rock and find someone willing to be in a relationship with him. He comes across as the perfect guy... .until he's not then you are in deep.

[Mutt]

I guess I just don't think it is as simple as that.

I agree.

Idealization in the very first stages of these relationships comes to mind.

I'm only speaking from my experience.

What made me fall for that? Being worshiped and put on a pedestal is something that I can clearly see now is not normal. I loved it at the time and didn't see anything wrong with it.

She reached into that lonely boy inside from childhood.

Again, that's just me.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I guess I just don't think it is as simple as that.

I agree.

Idealization comes to mind.

I'm only speaking from my experience.

What made me fall for that? Being worshiped and put on a pedestal is something that I can clearly see now is not normal.

Why did I fall for it?

She reached into that lonely boy inside from childhood.

Again, that's just me.

Yes in retrospect we can now see the idealization for what it is. Hindsight right!

But... .I think a lot of people are hard pressed not knowing about idealization to pass up someone that is so into you and would do anything for you. We all want to be loved. That is not disordered. In fact the contrary. I have seen healthy longterm relationships where people feel this way about each other. I think we are being too hard on ourselves.

In my opinion I just got stung! Bad! Now I know to stay away from bees and know what they look like and what they sound like.

My feeling is that unless you really think you have deep issues ( which I think is fine if you have to work on them). But I sometimes worry we are making ourselves sick by thinking there is something inherently wrong with us. No one is perfect!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I guess I just don't think it is as simple as that.

I agree.

Idealization comes to mind.

I'm only speaking from my experience.

What made me fall for that? Being worshiped and put on a pedestal is something that I can clearly see now is not normal.

Why did I fall for it?

She reached into that lonely boy inside from childhood.

Again, that's just me.

Yes in retrospect we can now see the idealization for what it is. Hindsight right!

But... .I think a lot of people are hard pressed not knowing about idealization to pass up someone that is so into you and would do anything for you. We all want to be loved. That is not disordered. In fact the contrary. I have seen healthy longterm relationships where people feel this way about each other. I think we are being too hard on ourselves.

In my opinion I just got stung! Bad! Now I know to stay away from bees and know what they look like and what they sound like.

My feeling is that unless you really think you have deep issues ( which I think is fine if you have to work on them). But I sometimes worry we are making ourselves sicker by thinking there is something inherently wrong with us. No one is perfect!

Here's one theory I have about accepting idealization.

First of all I never even knew there was something called idealization until I researched his behaviors and came across info.  I come from a place of honesty so it never even dawns on me that someone would do this to someone.

I also think that accepting that someone would feel this way about you is actually a healthy esteem thing. I believed that I had so much love to give and that I am a really good person and have a lot to offer so when someone recognized this ( I thought) it didn't raise red flags for me. I was able to buy it. I still feel that way and it's one reason I am having a hard time with this. Among other things the time wasted and how I thought he felt about me wasn't even real. It's a real mind bender.

[Mutt]

My feeling is that unless you really think you have deep issues ( which I think is fine if you have to work on them). But I sometimes worry we are making ourselves sicker by thinking there is something inherently wrong with us. No one is perfect!

I wasn't getting love from my partner. It was a one-way street.

I don't think I'm making myself sick.

I think of this as taking a serious look at myself and finally putting some of my issues to rest.  

I'm damned if I'm going to go through this again. I'm getting too old for this stuff.

I want change.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

My feeling is that unless you really think you have deep issues ( which I think is fine if you have to work on them). But I sometimes worry we are making ourselves sicker by thinking there is something inherently wrong with us. No one is perfect!

I wasn't getting love from my partner. It was a one-way street.

I don't think I'm making myself sick.

I think of this as taking a serious look at myself and finally putting some of my issues to rest.  

I'm damned if I'm going to go through this again. I'm getting too old for this stuff.

I want change.

Don't get me wrong I think it is good to look at yourself so as not to get in this mess again. I am doing the same. But I think there is a difference between not being healthy and just becoming self aware.

I guess I have been responding to another thread where some have made statements that we just cannot possibly be healthy to have been in a BPD relationship.

My response about making ourselves sick is more about really understanding what really happened and not blaming ourselves where there is no blame or attributing some psychological defect where there is none. I think that is just a self fulfilling prophesy.

[Mutt]

I'm not taking offense. I hope that your are not as well.

It was a toxic relationship.

What makes you attracted to a toxic person?

[TakingWingAtLast]

I'm not taking offense. I hope that your are not as well.

It was a toxic relationship.

What makes you attracted to a toxic person?

Mutt,

That IS the million dollar question!

I think that as many people have different reasons for developing BPD., there are probably just as many reasons for the Nons too. 

Some of us were vulnerable when we met.  Basically healthy, but vulnerable.   Then the BPD took us somewhere down the rabbit hole.  Others had genuine issues that fit the BPD.  This has been discussed in other threads.  Apparently someone with NPD is likely to match up with BPD.  Others still might be completely healthy, and the pwBPD was extremely skillful at their illness.  I think there must be a spectrum of the Nons "health". 

For myself, I was vulnerable but basically healthy.   A bad combo with one of the most skillful pwBPD that I've even read about.  She is smart!   Even with her bipolar and BPD.  Exquisitely skillful at manipulation!

Just my thoughts!   What do you think of this idea?

D

[Pretty Woman]

I don't think I was healthy when I met my ex. I am inherently healthier than my ex but I am insecure and hadn't dated for seven years... .plus this was my first same sex relationship.

Because of that I was very vulnerable and clung to her like a life preserver... .

until she snapped at me one day (very irrational over a really stupid thing) and my gut instinct told me something was not right 

I kept staying hoping things would get better but they never did. Each recycle we were ok but never back to what we were. After the third time she blocked my number after a trivial argument I started to take care of myself. I could not rely on this person for anything. If I was sad and needed support she took it as rejection and dumped me. It was truly a one sided relationship. I think in my mind, being a fixer/caregiver I tried to cover that up but really when you think about it, nothing was ever about me or my feelings at all.

I was in a "relationship" yet very alone.

One of my ex's parting shots at me was that I "never really knew her". I sat and thought about that recently. She was RIGHT. She mimiced all my interests. All she talked about were her exes. I didn't know her... .she really didn't have an identity, just clung to mine til she found a new one to attach to, sort of like those "sucker fish" in fish tanks. You know the ones, the bottom feeders.

[findingmyselfagain]

The break-up with my ex was actually probably relatively low-drama and respectful, but that's what made it seem so surreal to me. For 8 months we spent 5+ days a week hanging out and I practically adopted her daughter early on. I was the same guy from beginning to end. Things seemed to be going well leading up to our wedding shower. Then a few days later she's going out with a co-worker. Just about 3 weeks before the wedding she starts having panic attacks and we postponed the wedding. Also withdrawing affection and wanting time alone to herself. Within just a few weeks it all ended very abruptly and didn't seem to warrant much more than an Ooops! on her part. I realize now it was for the best that it didn't work out. What's most telling is how she and her family completely disappeared, mostly just ignored me or went off on me after we had broken up. It's definitely not normal that someone who you'd think had good intentions and practically lets you become a part of their family can't even maintain some friendly contact or have an adult discussion. But of course, we never really did in our relationship. It was all good while we were engaged and planning the wedding, etc., but when the real world starting knocking on the door that was when it hit the fan.

I'm very compassionate, and I was also vulnerable when I met mine and really was looking for a relationship and lacked actual relationship experience. I was also a little naive. As I'm getting over the heartbreak, I'm moving slower and going a little easier on myself. I would like a great, long-term relationship someday. It's just going to take a little more work with me and getting comfortable with intimacy and learning boundaries. I think romance is a little over-rated, and maturity and commitment isn't valued enough. I don't believe as much in soulmates as I used to. I do believe that peaceful, lasting love is what I'm looking for.

[Pretty Woman]

Finding Myself,

I hadn't dated a lot either and this experience both with a woman and a woman with BPD was all new to me.

You can't blame yourself though.

The women I have met during and after this ordeal, people I can truly call friends told me this is not what they would have done to someone and their "first experience". They would have been patient and loving.

Mine wanted a partner from the get go and to move in. While I was having doubts regarding my sexuality she would pull away and tell me I was going to end up with a man. I could never trust or confide in this person, ever. They never were there for me and in turn I grew distant. I could count on no one... .but myself.

So don't beat yourself up for not having more relationship experience. Someone who is emotionally available and secure would have guided and loved you unconditionally. You would have never been treated so badly.

I am sorry you are going through this. What you need to try to do is make this a learning experience. For me, it is hard. This was 13mo of my life, but when you read the boards it could have been 15yrs! Could you imagine, 15yrs and then they left?

I don't know how old you are but I am 38. I would like to maybe have a baby someday. Because of this I am grateful she cut me loose... .ironically for another woman who wants a baby too... .

(my ex mirrored me and then when dumping me told me I needed to find a 25yo to have a baby with-nice)!

So I look at this as a gift to possibly have what I really want. You have to sometimes let go with love even though they have been awful to you.

You have the emotional/rational capacity, they don't.

Don't stop loving! Now you have the "signs". Keep trusting and loving.

I know it will get better for you.

[Mutt]

I'm not taking offense. I hope that your are not as well.

It was a toxic relationship.

What makes you attracted to a toxic person?

Mutt,

That IS the million dollar question!

I think that as many people have different reasons for developing BPD., there are probably just as many reasons for the Nons too.  

Some of us were vulnerable when we met.  Basically healthy, but vulnerable.   Then the BPD took us somewhere down the rabbit hole.  Others had genuine issues that fit the BPD.  This has been discussed in other threads.  Apparently someone with NPD is likely to match up with BPD.  Others still might be completely healthy, and the pwBPD was extremely skillful at their illness.  I think there must be a spectrum of the Nons "health".  

For myself, I was vulnerable but basically healthy.   A bad combo with one of the most skillful pwBPD that I've even read about.  She is smart!   Even with her bipolar and BPD.  Exquisitely skillful at manipulation!

Just my thoughts!   What do you think of this idea?

D

She was skillfull at her illness, at least in the beggining. But it showed through the cracks and I chose to go against my intuition.

In the very beggining I was supposed to meet her and I chose to go to the bar with my bestfriend and his new girlfriend at the time. I get a call from her and she is raging on the phone. My intuition told me there is something really wrong here. She kept calling after that conversation!

I can throw depression, loneliness, not having a lot of relationships, wanting a LTR, wanting to settle down and have kids into the mix. Everything doesn't have to be black and white, but I would say that's more in the gray area and they certainly weren't core issues. It was simply a need and I chose to ignore the red flags to fulfill those needs.

Biggest mistake that I made in my life is ignoring my intuition and I don't want to make the same mistakes... I hear someone telling me story to gain sympathy, I automatically think "this person is bad news" and want nothing to do with them. Eject!

I think the painful parts of these break ups is thinking that things will get better when you were with them. Why did I think this? The lack of sympathy, empathy, the sudden break-up with little to no effort at an explanation as to why, the pretzel logic, gaslighting, things getting twisted around that you are the abusive one that cannot understand their needs. Mine simply threw everything on me and refuses to see the pain and hurt she puts on others, and acted as if she was "liberated from an abusive man, finally!"  Blatantly destroying a family and not being able to empathise the kids feelings/needs for new shiny object.

She cannot see me for the man that I am with good qualities, not someone with bad qualities that quantifies me as a whole. She can't see the gray. That's the most hurtful part for me. I'm not this person that is in her reality that she paints to her sycophants.

I'm someone completely different.

[TakingWingAtLast]

The lack of sympathy, empathy, the sudden break-up with little to no effort at an explanation as to why, the pretzel logic, gaslighting, things getting twisted around that you are the abusive one that cannot understand their needs. Mine simply threw everything on me and refuses to see the pain and hurt she puts on others, and acted as if she was "liberated from an abusive man, finally!"  Blatantly destroying a family and not being able to empathise the kids feelings/needs for new shiny object.

Mutt,

This part of your story is exactly what I was told as well.  In fact, I have texts that quote the "liberated from an abusive man, finally" almost verbatim!

And I share the hurt you feel when we are thought of as abusers and failures when in fact, the opposite is true.   

Thus, I choose to be what I am:  A caring, successful, not-perfect, trusting, and loving individual who is willing to work hard at a relationship.  And what I've learned from the past 8 years is that I will be more diligent with my feelings and with the actions of the other.   I will not repeat this mistake ever again.

D

[findingmyselfagain]

EarthAngel,

Thank you for the hugs. Sometimes I do get down emotionally though its' been a long time... .especially when work is stressful, holidays, etc. But I've definitely learned a lot. I understand what led to my old patterns and my fear of getting close. I've had a few short-term relationships since then, and only one was probably with someone who wasn't emotionally healthy. It's just a matter of finding someone with enough chemistry who is healthy, and now I'm in the right place. I'm still a little fearful but it's just what was there before the pwBPD. It's up to me to take my time and get comfortable within a healthy relationship. I'm in a much better place than I was even a few months ago.