Did they warn you?

[lost not dead]

I ended up engaged in a long conversation with my exwife last night because our daghter "rejected her". The blame started rolling of her tongue like a well rehearsed opera. When I tried to fleetingly tell her it wasn't my fault she repeated a line I hadn't heard from her in at least ten years. " I told you I wasn't capable of love like you wanted. I told you if you stayed with me I would destroy you. So this is all your fault. "

How can you argue with that logic?

[Learning_curve74]

Sometimes we don't listen when we should have and other times we listen when we shouldn't have... .

But yeah, when I look back, I was warned too... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I ended up engaged in a long conversation with my exwife last night because our daghter "rejected her". The blame started rolling of her tongue like a well rehearsed opera. When I tried to fleetingly tell her it wasn't my fault she repeated a line I hadn't heard from her in at least ten years. " I told you I wasn't capable of love like you wanted. I told you if you stayed with me I would destroy you. So this is all your fault. "

How can you argue with that logic?

Except the other half is if you stayed she could have accepted responsibility for not destroying you.  She claims she isn't capable: is that the truth or a cop out?  Bottom line is she's going to do whatever she wants and if you don't like it, it's your fault; blame is a handy tool for not taking responsibility.

[Pretty Woman]

Circular talk. No matter what the hell you say YOU are in the wrong.

That is one piece of clarity I got in a email from one of her exes. The woman told me I deserved someone who would "fully love me as I deserve". She said she believes my ex has "demons" and cannot fully love a person.

I que'd her in to BPD. Probably got back to the ex but whatever

Anyways she told me when she would argue with my ex she was always wrong and she couldn't rationalize with her.

This turned out to be the best closure for me, knowing I am not the only one.

[MrFox]

My exBPDgf told me she had walked out of every relationship she had been in.  She, of course, followed that up with she would never do that to me.  I was special, I was her soul mate, I was the only man for her, we were made for each other,  I had ruined her for all other men.  Etc., etc., etc.

I should have listened to the first part and ignored the second part.

[Mutt]

How can you argue with that logic?

You can't reason logic with crazy.

It took me 8 years to learn that lesson.

[Pretty Woman]

Amen, Mutt. Amen.

Earth 

[Pearl55]

Lostnotdead

I don't listen to whatever my husband says and sometimes I pretend that I listened and appease his ego to confirm whatever craps he says. Who cares?

You cannot reason with a crazy! Yes and yes mutt

[Pretty Woman]

Pearl, 

[myself]

She told me many things that in hindsight I should have seen as the red flags and warnings they were. I thought that I was different than those who had come before. I believed her version of her past, and was glad she had made it through it. Why wouldn't I?

The biggest warning for me was seeing with my own eyes how she would twist things around to be whatever story she needed it to be. Facts didn't matter, other people's feelings didn't count. No questions, that's an order. Personal accountability zero.

It creeps up on you, being caught up in someone else's reality like that, but we can shake free. The FOG will clear, and any future signs of it will be a warning we should heed.

[DragoN]

The biggest warning for me was seeing with my own eyes how she would twist things around to be whatever story she needed it to be. Facts didn't matter, other people's feelings didn't count. No questions, that's an order. Personal accountability zero.

It creeps up on you, being caught up in someone else's reality like that, but we can shake free. The FOG will clear, and any future signs of it will be a warning we should heed.

Sub in she for he. Mine was/ is high functioning, took a while before he dropped the mask.

Logic and Reason, Facts were to him , I don't know, irrelevant? Personal accountability was utterly non existent. Took me 10 years to finally accept that.

[Turkish]

 When we were first dating ( but it wasn't dating according to her),  she said, " with me.  you'll  get both heaven and hell." I  never saw heaven,  and while I certainly can imagine worse, I  got closer to hell.  so in the beginning,  she lied to me.

[Mutt]

She told me many things that in hindsight I should have seen as the red flags and warnings they were. I thought that I was different than those who had come before. I believed her version of her past, and was glad she had made it through it. Why wouldn't I?

All her ex's were abusive etc... .I remember she recounted the story of the guy before me often. She had said that he had poured gasoline on her and I felt sympathy. I remember thinking "that's not going to happen on my watch!"

That was the caretaker/knight and shining armor in me.


I'm a physically/emotionally/financially/alcoholic abusive man in her mind and to her network of enablers she calls friends.

The biggest warning for me was seeing with my own eyes how she would twist things around to be whatever story she needed it to be. Facts didn't matter, other people's feelings didn't count. No questions, that's an order. Personal accountability zero.

It creeps up on you, being caught up in someone else's reality like that, but we can shake free. The FOG will clear, and any future signs of it will be a warning we should heed.

Gaslighting.

Nearly 2 years ago in January 2012.

I'll never forget the conversation I had with my BIL in his truck outside of his house, away from my sister. I was staying with him for the umpteenth time due to my wife's push behavior.

I wanted to talk to someone I trust completely. I asked him. "Is it me? Am I crazy? Am I this person that my wife thinks that I am?"

I was starting to doubt my sanity, reasoning and logic.

[Mutt]

   darn phone and getting mixed up with quote/modify. Sorry for double post.

[mango_flower]

She told me "I'm a broken person, but all I really want is to be happy and loved". *cue big puppy dog eyes*

Silly, silly me... .

Red flag, right there!

I genuinely thought she'd just had a run of bad luck, and all her friends who'd "abandoned" her in the past were cold-hearted people who didn't know what they were missing... .

*sigh*!

[Turkish]

  darn phone and getting mixed up with quote/modify. Sorry for double post.

I hate posting from my phone... .but I'm so addicted to this site, that I try anyway, which is why some of my posts have spelling errors and nonsensical words thrown in.

At home, I use the tablet, depsite not having a swype keyboard, but give me a full keyboard any day. I'd try google voice, but if I'm outside, the neighbors might think I'm crazy.

[redkong]

My BPDexgf did warn me.  She told me she thought she was too broken for me.  She told me about her high highs and low lows.  I feel somewhat broken too, and this was part of what drew us together - not being broken together but understanding how it feels and trying (at least on my part) to not just be another person who walked away from her.  I attributed the highs and lows to possible bipolar early on.  Stuck around because at least with some people this is manageable withs meds.  One of my best friends has bipolar, and you would almost never know it.

Sadly, my exgf has both bipolar and BPD and she's refusing medication.  I'm not a huge med fan, so I don't totally fault her decision.

She also "warned" me via her interactions with her adult son and her stepmom (which I observed).  Anger, venom, followed by idealization.  she would also explode at total strangers who had "wronged" her in some way.  This spoke volumes to me.  I knew it was probably only a matter of time before I became the target, and I was right.

I saw red flags very early.  I mentioned these     to a psychologist friend, and she truly saved me from possible years of trauma and anguish.  I got out after less than 6 months (6 intense months that felt much longer).  I'm still recovering.

But yes, she did warn me.  I ignored or minimized some, but thank god not all.

[Turkish]

My BPDexgf did warn me.  She told me she thought she was too broken for me.  She told me about her high highs and low lows.  I feel somewhat broken too, and this was part of what drew us together - not being broken together but understanding how it feels and trying (at least on my part) to not just be another person who walked away from her.  

This is an interesting thread. Does anyone else think that this is both a filter and a bait to find Rescuer/Caretaker/Co-dependent types as most of us seem to be here?

In the end, it absolves them of responsibility, because they can say, "I told you in the beginning!"

Yes, a self-fulfilling prophecy. A script.

Fake.

[Moonie75]

Yeah I was warned! Long distance relationship for the first year of three years.

Over the phone in the early days I was told... .

" I used to be a very angry person"

"I used to make friends easily but couldn't keep them"

"I don't do guilt, I don't feel it! I try but it just doesn't come to me".

So yeah I was warned & warned & warned!

[Mutt]

I hate posting from my phone... .but I'm so addicted to this site, that I try anyway, which is why some of my posts have spelling errors and nonsensical words thrown in.

At home, I use the tablet, depsite not having a swype keyboard, but give me a full keyboard any day. I'd try google voice, but if I'm outside, the neighbors might think I'm crazy.

The wife took everything when she left. Back to square one. I feel like an 18 year old bachelor. She drained me financially and took the computer left me with the old furntiture. CS is really high with 3 kids. I'm addicted too and most of my posts come from my Blackberry. I feel like I can pour bits of my story on this board over several posts and let it out. The support/guidance/knowledge is phenominal in understand a complex r/s dynamic and disorder.

[damage control]

Yes, warned.

BUT

The warnings were couched between proclamations of 'not ever wanting to lose me' etc ... .it's not like I was sat down and told outright ... .

[Iamdizzy]

Yes many MANY times. However, it was during the honeymoon phase. I didn't think too much of it. I figured if someone is crazy, they're crazy 24/7 and it would be obvious. Extremely Naive on my part. Lesson learned.

[Turkish]

Yes, warned.

BUT

The warnings were couched between proclamations of 'not ever wanting to lose me' etc ... .it's not like I was sat down and told outright ... .

mine was always, " you won't ever leave me,  will you?"  and, " you love me,  right?"  That finally stopped around year 4. I  figured she felt secure and had grown up some. I  figured wrong.

[free-n-clear]

Sometimes we don't listen when we should have and other times we listen when we shouldn't have... .

But yeah, when I look back, I was warned too... .

My uBPDxgf told me once that I deserve better. How right she was.

   It was probably around then that the initial ideation phase of our r/s was ending. The night before she had stood me up to go to a party without me and word got back to me that she'd made a complete mess of herself and looked like hooking up until she passed out and pissed herself on the hosts' sofa. After much tearful apologising and promising it would never happen again, which in hindsight was the first of many broken promises, I forgave her and actually apologised to her for being so upset about it.

   If only I'd stayed upset and got out then. Didn't see the for what it was. We fall into the trap of believing the lies, and not believing (or at least not wanting to believe) the truth. Several friends were warning me that I was never gonna be able to make it work, but good ol' Knight in Shining Armour me wasted another year of my life before seeing the light. 

[Aw511]

I was definitely warned! In the beginning when he was being sweet he would make these side comments like ":)on't get used to it. This hit won't be happening in a month." And he always made it out to be a joke. IT WASNT A JOKE, HE TURNED INTO THE DEVIL.

He also would say things RIGHT WHEN WE STARTED DATING like "oh don't worry you'll be living in _____ by this time next year." (The city I had always wanted to move to) and then in the next breath telling me he wants to marry me. I was always just baffled by his comments so didn't take anything he said seriously.

I guess he tried to warn me! I'm moving away jan 1! Who know BPDs could predict the future too!

[Findingmysong723]

At the end of our relationship, he was making excuses for his behavior, he was like "I'm am an addict." I knew that he was in recovery but I feel that was his way to make his behaviors "not his fault."

I remember early on in our relationship, he was trying to hang a wall feature on the wall and he couldn't get it straight. He asked me for help, but I told him I didn't know what to do either. Then my Ex got really frustrated and threw it on the ground and it broke. Then he gave me a  , which was him saying something like "well this is the first time you saw me get mad, that's a good thing" and then he gave me a hug, I think he knew I was taken back by his reaction. It was like he was proud that it was the first time I saw him get mad.

I remember once when we were just "friends" after the first breakup, we went out to eat and he looked like a little boy when he brought up one of his past transgression like he was almost proud. It was almost like he was embracing that he is a "bad" guy when other times he is really ashamed of it, which I think is the truth. I remember him saying that he was surprised we got together, because I'm a "good girl," I don't drink and never did any kind of drugs and he is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who made other mistakes in his past.

I thought he was someone who wanted to work on himself and have a better life, he did stop drinking and drugs but of course his dry drunk or BPD behaviors or both are a real problem!

Also, he admitted to having anxiety and he had obsessive thoughts, which was the type of OCD he had. I feel this made the relationship with him so hard, because he was always trying to find something wrong with our relationship and no relationship can withstand that. It also made being intimate hard because he would second guess every facial reaction or doubt if the chemistry was right. Also, freaking out if sex didn't go how he thought it should go and would walk away upset. Also, the medication he took for anxiety affected him sexually which embarrassed and upset him to no end.

Also, he withdrew from sex, which was awful! I was warned about anxiety and OCD but I have OCD as well, but not as bad as him, but didn't expect this. Although, I did ignore other red flags, live and learn!

[Perfidy]

Yes. She warned me. I thought she was joking. She wasn't. I didn't think it was going to be a big problem. I didn't know about mental illness.  I didn't know how it would affect me. I didn't understand drug addiction either. I didn't know how it was going to affect me. I had plenty of warning from her behavior and personality. I did not know how it would affect me. I had all kinds of warning signs. It didn't matter because I didn't act upon them. Now I know.

[Ironmanrises]

The warnings were exhibited starting from when we were first friends. I saw them as just quirks of her personality. I honestly had no ___ing clue at that time what a truly godawful person I was allowing into my life as I was still healing on all levels from my second suicide attempt. Those very quirks in hindsight after she left me the first time now viewed through the BPD corrective lens were horrific deformations of her personality that was clearly 2 different personalities within one person. I was seeing glimpses of her Medusa side(other side) even when just friends, experienced the full explosion of that very personality when she RAGED at me over the phone in round 1 discard, and the coup d'grace was that I witnessed in person in final days of being in her house in round 2, the splitting of her personality. I encountered Medusa those last few days. I am still horrified to this day as to what I experienced. The mere quirks I once innocently thought in the beginning, fast forward to now, shows the naive idyll I was once in, has been thoroughly annihilated.

[Turkish]

The warnings were exhibited starting from when we were first friends. I saw them as just quirks of her personality. I honestly had no ___ing clue at that time what a truly godawful person I was allowing into my life as I was still healing on all levels from my second suicide attempt. Those very quirks in hindsight after she left me the first time now viewed through the BPD corrective lens were horrific deformations of her personality that was clearly 2 different personalities within one person. I was seeing glimpses of her Medusa side(other side) even when just friends, experienced the full explosion of that very personality when she RAGED at me over the phone in round 1 discard, and the coup d'grace was that I witnessed in person in final days of being in her house in round 2, the splitting of her personality. I encountered Medusa those last few days. I am still horrified to this day as to what I experienced. The mere quirks I once innocently thought in the beginning, fast forward to now, shows the naive idyll I was once in, has been thoroughly annihilated.

I'm sorry Ironman. Did you share what you had been through with her,and did she use that to further hurt you?

I count several personalities with mine... .not quite like split personality, but justfacets she shows people. She even wrote them in herjournal, confirmingwhat i already knew. Now, in the end, I've seen them all. No one will ever again know her as I do. A dark gift for me... .

[arn131arn]

I hate posting from my phone... .but I'm so addicted to this site, that I try anyway, which is why some of my posts have spelling errors and nonsensical words thrown in.

At home, I use the tablet, depsite not having a swype keyboard, but give me a full keyboard any day. I'd try google voice, but if I'm outside, the neighbors might think I'm crazy.

The wife took everything when she left. Back to square one. I feel like an 18 year old bachelor. She drained me financially and took the computer left me with the old furntiture. CS is really high with 3 kids. I'm addicted too and most of my posts come from my Blackberry. I feel like I can pour bits of my story on this board over several posts and let it out. The support/guidance/knowledge is phenominal in understand a complex r/s dynamic and disorder.

I really like your posts, Mutt.  Thanks for all the info the last 3 days.  I hope I can get as strong as you one day, and have the feeling of loving myself and being over her games, or at least, recognizing them.

I am addicted to this site too!