In many if your posts there seems to be a lot of her going to your family members houses (under the guise of Christmas). Long talk with your mum & generally too much interaction between her & your family!

This is unhealthy, unhelpful & will only stir the fog!

I hope you don't take offence at this Arn but you need to get a grip of this either with a stern word with her or a stern word with your family members.

How on earth is squabbling over children opening presents helping you, her, and most importantly the child in the middle?

Not wanting to cause upset but sounds draining for all, especially your child.

Well, I feel better. 

I had my first attempt at setting boundries.

I talked to her father and explained to him that I no longer want to have contact with his daughter.  I want to speak to him and she can speak to my mom about my son.  I only want to hear from her if there is an emergency that has to do with my son. 

He tried to enable her by saying that it was all about x mas and this is something that we did every year (GUILT).  I wasn't having that, I told him that my son can open his gifts with my family and he is more than willing to take them with him.

We made arrangements to meet after the holidays to iron out the visitation arrangements. 

I feel better.  I feel a little better today.  I feel like I am starting to get, not the power back, because I think that would want to open up something for the future, but my balls maybe?  Yeah, that's it, I got my balls back, and they dropped a half inch today.

Thanks, Mutt. 

I set some boundries for the 1st time today.

I FEEL LIKE I WON THE OLYMPICS!

I understand that Perfidy.  Towards the end there, I acted like a maniac.  You guys on here saw the aftermath of that behavioe all last week.  I am not proud of it and own it.

She has 2 false DV verdicts in her favor, mean texts I sent her last week, coupled with me drinknig heavily this summer after she detached.  I am not inncovent, I have my part in this, as well.  But if I go in front of a judge, they have me y the balls and they know this.

FEAR

Good work buddy. That first step is hard. I know, I never set them in my life before. The more that you do it, the easier that it gets.

It's like playing a slot machine in vegas. If the machine is going to pay out the 21st time that you pull that lever, you'll keep pulling until the machine pays out. Set a boundary and be firm and don't cave, if you cave, then your ex will know how many times to pull that proverbial lever until it pays out.

Anyway, I am in a bind over this and really don't want to go over there tomorrow


Your gut is telling you this. Listen to it.

Skip,

I appreciate your concern.  I will cave in tomorrow and go over there to deal with the whol Santa thing.  Thank you for helping me realize that.  But that doesn't mean I have to talk to her at all.

Her issues are all the BPD traits thare known to man.  She has split or threatened to about 100 times in 14 years.  This is why I think I am soo angry.  She started a smear campaign and falsely accused me of DV on three occassions. 

Triangulation with her friends and other men.  She is the oscar award winning victim.  She has a temper and when she does, she hits, slaps, throws, and verbally abuses.  Yet when I push her from a doorway or hold her arms down, i get the polic alled on me.  Call it what you want I call it BS.

This past summer she started distancing again.  Fear of her leaving again triggered me into a deeper and deeper abyss of alcohol.  A week after she graduates from nursing school, she leaves with my son.

Before Thanksgiving she calls me up... .same old song and dance.  She misses me, wants to work on it.  I knew in my gut she didn't mean it, yet I couldn't stop myself.  Two weeks ago I find out she is with another man.    No I do not want to salvage anything with this woman ever again.  She has played on my heartstrings for too long.  I know there are things I need to change and are doing the necessary things to change them

because I AM NOT A BPD, I HAVE A CONSCIOUS, AND I AM NOT CRAZY! But, yes, the past week I have acted like I have BPD! That's for sure, and I know bc I have had all the pent up anger that I would stuff down, resentment bc she DID ruin a career in nursing that I could have had... .yet, I don't know why I was drawn to her to begin with.

Trying to get the anger in check... .This has been years of this, I was outraged that sshe would call my mother.  This is a lady that she used my son against.  A lady that she hasn't let my son see in 8 months, yet, now ALL OF A SUDDEN, she needs to talk to her.  A lday that she tried to turn me against.  Sorry, after my dad died, my mother is all I have left, she already drove away all my friends... .

I am not the f******g crazy one here.  Yes, I am fed up to here with everything she has put me thru.  Is my anger in check, no, but it's gettting better. 

Please help center me then, Skip; but IF I make the decision to never speak to her again that is my choice.

I can even forgive the other guy... .Truthfully one day I will; but the character assasination and posting on FB that she thinks I am gay, is out of hand.  I will never forgive that.

I dated nothing but beautiful women all my life, some crazy... .some not... .why this F**knut has such a grip on me I will never know.

Help center me, because I think I need it

Arn, I well up reading your posts and feel your anger and pain. 

I've been there. Angry, and fighting for (emotional) justice and 50/50 custody.

The anger got the better of me, not helped by an addiction. And I made it difficult for her to do the right thing. I missed 2 never-to-be-returned Christmases, more importantly my son missed me being there.

Painful painful painful regrets, that haunts my psyche even now 8 years later  Can't ever live those missed magical moments of my 7 y/o son opening his gifts from Santa.


My heartfelt advice, Arn,... .go and see your son, let your mind drink in every single second of his xmas experience 2013, enjoy it, just be with him.

Swallow your anger for the day, be civil, think of your son - he's only going to live this Christmas once. You can manage it for a few hours for him. For your future memories.

I was a fool, don't make the same mistakes as me, please, please. Don't store up more pain. Don't let your justifiable anger cloud your mind on the important things and especially on your son's memories of this Christmas.

Best Christmas wishes, mate, to you and your family

In hockey, the guy that lashes out goes to the penalty box... .the guy who triggered him skates on to play in a with a 5 man to 4 man advantage.

No one cares who triggered him.


If she is good at triangulation, don't give her material to work with.

~ Stay sober or hidden

~ No more texts or email - put nothing in writing

~ Show her parents what a good and reasonable guy you are - and that you are good for their grandson - win their approval

~ Show your son you love him - kids don't want to chose between parents - and he feels you are treating his mom bad, and others are concurring - its won't end up well for you

~ Stop fighting with her and trying to revenge the hurt and betrayal - you can't win this game

~ Write this on your mirror - "I am letting go with grace".  Be bigger than her.

Right now you need strength - not anger - lots of strength.

Before you can start making this better, you must stop making it worse.

Damn Skip,

My P will start charging me Jan 10th 100 dollars an hour.  How much do I owe you for that 2 minute reading?  LOL... .You are right.  Everything you said is right. 

Can I still let go  with grace after I set fuel to the fire?

Can I still be graceful without engaging her?

Thanks... .Any ideas or sugggestions greatly appreciated