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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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LilMissSunshine
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« Reply #90 on: January 11, 2014, 06:02:49 PM »

DC, Checking in on you from half a world away.  Thinking of you and hoping your doing a lil bit better today   

Hang in there girlfriend.  Lot's of people all over the planet    and care about you.

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« Reply #91 on: January 12, 2014, 12:39:56 AM »

Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts. I don't think I am 'not' depressed ... . but I have been told this on and off my entire life and think it's a simplistic diagnosis ... I don't mean that depression or being depressed are simple ... far from it, but I do think that for most people, it is situational, or a one-off; something that happened to them due to specific circumstances.

I don't really play video games although I play bejewelled a lot on my iPhone for a while there.

I have TV shows that I (re)watch ... . I need the narratives, I need the actions and words of characters to be dense, have resonance and to touch me ... I find it soothing.


@Perdy

Thanks hun. I KNOW the feeling will pass. I also KNOW that taking meds will expedite that process - what I am stuck on is knowing that when this feeling passes, I will revert back to a world/life that makes no sense and has nothing to offer but the blandness of work, consumption and sleep.

I am glad that you made it through and it is wonderful to hear you so strong ... x

@Recycled

New home is both good and bad - it's wonderful for the dog, it is very close to the train and local stores. The bad stuff is that I am going to be struggling to pay for the next few weeks as I have not been to work for nearly 3 weeks - except for the 2 days this pay period - plus, the guy I am sharing with is creepy and utterly boring simultaneously. Wonderful.

@LMS

Thanks for checking in ... I am doing about the same I guess. But I am doing right?
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« Reply #92 on: January 12, 2014, 12:50:39 AM »

I wasn't going to post on here about this because I am not sure what to say about it but ... . I guess it is relevant.

Today was one-week since I spoke to or saw the ex. He emailed me on Wed and I responded briefly but other than that, no contact.

He called this afternoon (just to check in and have a chat as well as to let me know that he has now also moved out of the crazy sharehouse we were in).

I am having a lot of trouble letting him go.

Unlike many people who post on this site, he did not rage or abuse - neither did I. His abuse/issues are of a different variety - his pathology is still there - as is mine - but anger directed outward is not part of that. So, it's not like he calls to yell at me or to denigrate me ... he doesn't. Of course, he has denigrated me in different ways ... this thread pays testament to that.

I don't really know why he wants to hang onto me so badly. Because he values my company? Possibly ... because he and I get along really well? Also possible. I don't really know and it's possible he doesn't really either ... . he doesn't want me - not in the way I want him anyway so, it's very confusing.

He has been on his dating site for 12-15 hours a day every day for about 12 days now. He used to check it a few times a day but at the moment, it's addiction gone nuts.

I am still too enmeshed in it all ... . still too vulnerable to him ... . still unable to pull that plug and walk away ... . it feels ... . I'm not sure of the feeling exactly ... (perhaps futile?) or immature to cut someone out of my life because I want more than he can or wants to give when that person is trying to be 'a friend' ... . not sure if that makes sense.
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Matt
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« Reply #93 on: January 12, 2014, 12:59:30 AM »

DC, I think you're right that depression is often "situational".  In fact that's exactly how my psychiatrist described where I was when I first saw him - at my worst - early 2009.

My sister has struggled with depression her whole adult life, but I never did, til events (deaths in the family, marriage collapsing, my son's addiction and incarceration) sent me spinning.  For quite a while I saw a counselor but did not consider meds, til I just got so low I knew I had to do something different.  A wise friend with experience told me, "Talk to a doctor and get a prescription, and take the meds til you decide you don't need them."  And that's what I did.

The psychiatrist offered me Xanax and an SSRI - I don't remember the name of the SSRI but it was one of the leading ones.  I turned down the Xanax because it is addictive and I'm prone to addiction (though it was pretty tempting!).  I took the SSRI for about a year.  The SSRI did not immediately make me feel better - it doesn't give you a buzz or a recognizable good feeling - it just prevents you from going super-low to the point where you can't function.  And I think it allows you to think clearly all the time and make good decisions (or at least as good as I'm capable of making!).

The only side-effects I felt were right at the beginning and at the end.  At the beginning I think a little upset stomach for a few days.  Then when I quit taking them - actually I lost the bottle and decided not to get the prescription re-filled - I got a very uncomfortable feeling, kind of like a spinning head.  So I found them and tapered off instead of cold turkey, and that worked - no side-effects.  I've been off them for a few years and doing fine but I would consider taking them again if I needed to.

My sister has taken all sorts of stuff - she finds something that works and takes it, but then maybe she gains weight or there's something else she doesn't like about it, so she tries something else, or goes off her meds for a while and usually regrets it.  She's in much better shape now than at some times in the past, but I don't know if she will ever go off meds permanently.

My suggestion is, go with whatever your doctor has prescribed, til you are doing very well for a period of time - maybe six months or so - and then consider tapering off them if you decide that is wise.  :)on't get (like I was) determined never to take them, but also don't convince yourself you will always need them - just use them when you need to (like now I think) but keep your mind open about what might be best in the future.

I think SSRIs or whatever are especially sensible right now, since you're starting work, and you'll want to be thinking very clearly so you can do your best.  In six months or so, you might be at a different place - who knows - but for right now it's best to just do what you need to do so you can prosper and function your very best.

I'm also going to comment in a minute on the other subject - your ex... .

Best wishes,

Matt
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« Reply #94 on: January 12, 2014, 01:07:28 AM »

So... . the ex... .

I'm not a psychologist and I don't know your ex, and nobody can diagnose somebody over the internet.  But it's pretty clear from all you have written - most recently spending a huge amount of time every day on dating sites - that he isn't good for you right now.

I think it's pretty clear that you would do better if you step away from him - have no contact at all - at least for some period of time.  You need to work on your issues, and start a new job (by the way, how's that going so far?), and just recover from stuff and get more stable - all about you right now.  And in the meantime, he clearly has some issues he needs to work on, and 12 hours a day on dating sites probably isn't the kind of therapy he needs - he may not be getting healthier and until he does it's pretty hard to imagine how spending time with him will help you in any way.

So... . would you consider just not having any contact with him for the time being?  If you think it would be best to do him the courtesy of telling him, "I wish you well but I don't want to have contact with you right now.  I'll let you know if that changes." or whatever, there's no harm in that, but you would need to be clear that "no contact" means "no contact" - no texting, Facebook, e-mail, phone, etc.

You could try that for, say, a week, or a month, and see how it goes.  My guess is, if you fill up your life with other stuff - work, exercise, or whatever - you'll think about him less over time, and that will help.

Depression and stress go hand-in-hand, and a relationship with somebody who has problems and isn't getting help can be incredibly stressful, as all of us here know from experience.  Getting away from the relationship will relieve your stress, and ease your depression (or whatever you call it) at least somewhat.  I can't really see any reason not to do that now - there's just no way that continuing to have contact with him while he's so unhealthy and you're feeling so bad can make sense.  Like eating spicy food when your stomach is upset - it can't help and it's almost certain to make things worse.

Best,

Matt
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« Reply #95 on: January 12, 2014, 01:14:20 AM »

Hey Matt

Thanks for sharing more of your experience.

I have been on and off SSRI's since ... . well ... forever. Yes, they have benefits, and usually, I can take them for a year or so, taper off and then go another year before things spiral again. But they disconnect me and make me numb and as much as I don't want to where and who I am now, being that indifferent, disconnected (and medicated) woman - I can't go back to being her all over again just to have it all crash and burn again ... . I just cannot face that.
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« Reply #96 on: January 12, 2014, 01:19:06 AM »

Fu€king glad to hear from you sis.
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« Reply #97 on: January 12, 2014, 01:21:26 AM »

Your post made me laugh Perdy ... out loud to ... hehe 
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« Reply #98 on: January 12, 2014, 01:22:21 AM »

Just remembered the name of the one I took:  Lexapro.  I got no feelings of numbness (and I realize you don't mean physical numbness of the body) or disconnection.  In fact, I didn't feel different at all - there was no clear difference, except I didn't go so low.  To be honest, I'm not even 100% sure the Lexapro did anything - it's possible that I was just doing better because I had bottomed out - but at least I did better during the period when I took them.

I don't know how much the impact of each drug varies from person to person - maybe somebody else taking the same drug would feel number or disconnected.  There are several SSRIs and I think the basic mechanism of how they work is the same, but they're not identical (not just different marketing names for the same stuff) so maybe it would be worthwhile talking to your doctor to see if there is something that would help but wouldn't give that numb feeling.  That's what I was concerned about - why I waited so long to even try anything - because I didn't want to feel like I had a lobotomy or was doped up... .
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« Reply #99 on: January 12, 2014, 01:36:23 AM »

Matt

I know that he isn't good for me because I don't want a friendship with him and every time he spends time with me/talking to me I cannot help but wonder if today is the day he is going to break down and tell me that this has all been some huge misunderstanding ... . I KNOW this isn't going to happen but when I am with him, it FEELS like it is going to ... . crazymaking.

When I was saying goodbye to him last week (leaving to come to this house), he told me that he wanted to keep up contact but that he would leave it up to me. He didn't.

I have also tried to have NC with him before and he pushed harder to have contact - admittedly, he knows that when I have a 'mood', all anyone needs to do for a day or so is give me time/space and I will be ok ... so, I guess I contributed to that behaviour.

I am not sure if I can just up and call NC and then stick to it ... . I don't trust myself.

I will think about it some more.

PS: I had been at my job for about 6 weeks before all of this crazy happened (dog, house etc) and I couldn't go for  ... well, I have worked 3 days of the last 3 weeks (which adds to financial pressure in a huge way, I will not earn enough this week to pay my rent - which is just another 'crisis' that is coming) ... but, it is going well ... I think.

I had a bad reaction yesterday - there is a young-ish guy there with whom I have developed a kind of flirty thing with ... he is far too young for me but we have a nice sexy vibe ... yesterday, he was completely off with me ... I had not seen him for a couple of weeks and expected the usual fun, cheeky guy but he was ice cold. My pathologies kicked in and it became all about me - what have I done? Why does he hate me? etc ... . and while I can rationalise that it could be about ANYTHING, it feels like it is about me and I can't reconcile the rational thought with the feeling - they contradict each other and cause this awful polarised thinking ... . so ... yesterday was not so great ... hopefully tomorrow will be better.

re: meds.

I do get numb ... not dopey or anything ... I will try and get to a doc this week to perhaps see about a different type of med ...

Thanks
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« Reply #100 on: January 12, 2014, 01:45:45 AM »

Making NC stick:

We were just talking on another thread about New Year's resolutions.  (My favorite is from a comedian who said his resolution is for everybody else to get their act together.)  My key one is cardiovascular exercise, for a whole bunch of reasons - mental and physical health, etc.

I just read somewhere about how Jerry Seinfeld developed a very simple method, before he was successful.  He decided that the key to his success was to spend time every day writing jokes.  Over time, he refined them and tried them out, to create a good routine;  but the hard part was the actual writing of enough jokes so he could select the very best.

So he found a calendar with a whole year on one big page, and he began to circle the days when he wrote jokes with a red marker, so the circles formed a chain - if he wrote jokes for 5 straight days his chain had 5 links, but if he skipped a day the chain was broken.  He told himself, ":)on't break the chain!".

So I made a calendar like that for myself, and my son saw it and wanted one too.  At the top I wrote, ":)on't break the chain!", and I think of it in Seinfeld's voice, which is kind of funny.  I find it inspiring because we think of entertainers as "talented", but the story shows that in almost every field, it's the guy that plans and works that succeeds... .

Anyhow, I think NC for you might be kind of like that.  You could even use a wall calendar and a marker - every day you have no contact with your ex you can circle, and you can tell yourself (in Seinfeld's voice) ":)on't break the chain!".

If you lapse, forgive yourself and get back on the horse.  :)on't use a mistake as an excuse to abandon NC, just say, "Whoops, that was a mistake, so I'll have to start a new chain."  Then... . Don't break the chain!
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« Reply #101 on: January 12, 2014, 02:52:21 AM »

I am glad to hear from you again, DC. 

I can second Matt about the Chain thing. Little realistic task. It feels great.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #102 on: January 12, 2014, 08:51:36 PM »

Making NC stick:

We were just talking on another thread about New Year's resolutions.  (My favorite is from a comedian who said his resolution is for everybody else to get their act together.)  My key one is cardiovascular exercise, for a whole bunch of reasons - mental and physical health, etc.

I just read somewhere about how Jerry Seinfeld developed a very simple method, before he was successful.  He decided that the key to his success was to spend time every day writing jokes.  Over time, he refined them and tried them out, to create a good routine;  but the hard part was the actual writing of enough jokes so he could select the very best.

So he found a calendar with a whole year on one big page, and he began to circle the days when he wrote jokes with a red marker, so the circles formed a chain - if he wrote jokes for 5 straight days his chain had 5 links, but if he skipped a day the chain was broken.  He told himself, ":)on't break the chain!".

So I made a calendar like that for myself, and my son saw it and wanted one too.  At the top I wrote, ":)on't break the chain!", and I think of it in Seinfeld's voice, which is kind of funny.  I find it inspiring because we think of entertainers as "talented", but the story shows that in almost every field, it's the guy that plans and works that succeeds... .

Anyhow, I think NC for you might be kind of like that.  You could even use a wall calendar and a marker - every day you have no contact with your ex you can circle, and you can tell yourself (in Seinfeld's voice) ":)on't break the chain!".

If you lapse, forgive yourself and get back on the horse.  :)on't use a mistake as an excuse to abandon NC, just say, "Whoops, that was a mistake, so I'll have to start a new chain."  Then... . Don't break the chain!

I love this idea Matt and can think of many areas in my life where a visual aid could help. Thank you for your insight on this!

DC, good for you for making it through without contacting your ex. It's really tough to not take a call from someone you care about and it takes some time to build up the courage.

I changed my ex's name on my phone to "X Do not answer" and the visual aid would flash when he rang. It made me feel different when I saw it, whereas when I saw his name, some good feelings were activated.

It's a small step but it became about me choosing to take/not take a call instead of feeling obliged to answer which was a huge shift. Perhaps it could help you too?

I don't think you should overthink the interaction with the guy at work. Everyone has their own stuff going on and I don't think any of us influence as much as we might think. Just try to let it go and remind yourself that other people's behavior is out of your area of control, you only control yourself in every situation.

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« Reply #103 on: January 12, 2014, 10:04:32 PM »

Hey F2F

Just to clarify - I DID take the call from my ex.

We are not on bad terms - quite the opposite - which makes it difficult to NOT take calls/have contact.

I am struggling today with all of this ... my thoughts are no more stable than they were a week ago, I am obsessively thinking about him every minute of every day and just cannot seem to break that. I don't know if NC will or would help with this ... but I need to think it through a bit more.
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« Reply #104 on: January 12, 2014, 10:23:02 PM »

Hey F2F

Just to clarify - I DID take the call from my ex.

We are not on bad terms - quite the opposite - which makes it difficult to NOT take calls/have contact.

I am struggling today with all of this ... my thoughts are no more stable than they were a week ago, I am obsessively thinking about him every minute of every day and just cannot seem to break that. I don't know if NC will or would help with this ... but I need to think it through a bit more.

DC... . I hope you are feeling better. I know firsthand how hard depression is to live with. Those obsessive thoughts can be caused by depression. They are also a source of depression. It's a vicious cycle. DBT can help.

Sounds like he is the trigger for your pain. Sweetheart, I know how tough this is, you gotta get away from him and stay away from him. I'm hoping for you!
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« Reply #105 on: January 12, 2014, 11:52:05 PM »

... . my thoughts are no more stable than they were a week ago, I am obsessively thinking about him every minute of every day and just cannot seem to break that. I don't know if NC will or would help with this ... but I need to think it through a bit more.

DC,

You are likely/possibly in a suicidal ideation depression with anxiety.  NC has a lot of anxiety associated with it so its not going to help... . things are going to continue to ebb and flow into the danger zone.

At this point, you aren't vigorously seeking care even though care is available to you.  You do not want to take your prescription meds even though you have valid scripts.  I think I speak for everyone here, we want you to get medical assistance.  We want to help, but we can only supplement your clinical plan, we can't be your clinical plan.

We've asked you privatively to open a thread about establishing a safety plan.  We can help with that.  We've asked you privatively to open a thread to discuss your reservation about taking your meds. We can help with that, too.   It would be good to talk about therapy options.

Baby steps.  Just start the conversation.  You're out of the acute suicidal phase.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)    

We're here for you and we need you to take the basic steps to get on Terra firma.  At bpdfamily we promote recovery - save a family - save a life.

We are not an self injury or suicide contemplation website.  There are sites like that and they have tools for people to make those life choices. We don't have those tools.   We all mean well, but as you have said, a lot of people are making well meaning but patronizing comments because they don't really know.  It's the nature of this messageboard and of people coming an going.

Is bpdfamily the place for you right now?  You can decide that. But here we will always want you to reach for a healing place.

Skip

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« Reply #106 on: January 13, 2014, 07:45:12 PM »

... . my thoughts are no more stable than they were a week ago, I am obsessively thinking about him every minute of every day and just cannot seem to break that. I don't know if NC will or would help with this ... but I need to think it through a bit more.

DC,

You are likely in a suicidal ideation depression with anxiety.  NC has a lot of anxiety associated with it so its not going to help... . things are going to continue to ebb and flow into the danager zone.

At this point, you aren't vigorously seeking care even though care is available to you.  You do not want to take your prescription meds even though you have valid scripts.  

I think I speak for everyone here, we want you to get medical assistance.  We want to help, but we can only supplement your clinical plan, we can't be your clinical plan.

We've asked you privatively to open a thread about establishing a safety plan.  We can help with that.

We've asked you privatively to open a thread to discuss your reservation about taking your meds. We can help with that, too.

It would be good to talk about therapy options.

Baby steps.  Start the conversation.  You're out of the acute suicidal phase.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)    

We're here for you and we need you to take the basic steps to get on Terra firma.  At the same time we are not an self injury or suicide contemplation website.  There are sites like that and they have tools for people to make those life choices.  We don't.  We all mean well, but as you have said, a lot of people are making well meaning but patronizing comments because they don't really know.  It's the nature of a messageboard with people coming an going.

Is bpdfamily the place for you?  You decide.  But here we promote recovery - save a family - save a life.

Skip

in a show of support, all around, i'd like to say i agree with everything Skip has said here.
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« Reply #107 on: January 14, 2014, 06:48:07 PM »

Staff only

This thread is inactive and has reached its page limit and the OP has voluntarily taken a break from the sight -- so we are locking it.
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« Reply #108 on: January 26, 2014, 09:20:03 PM »

LMS ... I just saw in another thread that you asked how I am doing Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks for asking ... I'll update (FWIW) so you know.

Things are pretty much the same for me. My new house is great for the dog but my new roomie is a high-functioning alcoholic who is interfering with my sleep every night so, I can't see this being a long-term thing here.

Work has taken a hit due to the 3 weeks I had off - everyone else got 3 weeks more training that I did during that period for our big new contract and I am out of the loop with that. So not only did I miss out on 3 weeks' pay, I am down on hours in general as I cannot  be rostered in that section which is where all bodies are needed right now.

As for 'him'.

Well, the good news is I am at 15 days NC as from today. I didn't ask him for NC but all contact has/had been initiated by him and he has stopped calling/texting/emailing. It's weird because our last call was no different to any other: friendly.

I think my replacement has been replaced and I get the feeling he is toying with at least 2/3 women right now. This is what he wanted - to be free to play the field - so I think he is content right now not having me to feel guilty about.

I still check the dating site regularly to see how often he is there - I do it because it reassures me that he is still trawling and that he hasn't met 'the one' who will manage to change him from that - it's the last connection - and I need to sever it - but ... I am finding that difficult.

I am still struggling emotionally. Things are dark and I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. This r/s has made me confront some things both about myself and the world that I would rather had stayed buried. I feel exposed and vulnerable wherever I go, although I am adept at covering that and, at work for example, I put a wonderful mask.

I don't cry every day and I am thinking about what I want in terms of weeks rather than hours - ie: getting out of this house - and that is a good thing I think.

Sorry for the long post - and apologies also that I cannot report that everything is just dandy

Thanks again for asking and sorry that I didn't see your question until today. 
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« Reply #109 on: January 26, 2014, 09:31:50 PM »

Glad to hear your doing better, you still want some things to improve but it's a great start which is awesome!
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« Reply #110 on: January 26, 2014, 09:49:29 PM »

Yeah DC... I'm glad for you that n/c has begun. Happy that you have new another place to live too. Pat the pooch on the head for me and give a little scratch behind the ear. You know, toward the end of your post you reminded me of something and I pick up on it a lot more now. Gratitude. You wrote that not everything is dandy, and that's ok, because not always everything's dandy. Listing the things that are dandy helps push dandy to the front and lets not so dandy get the spotlight. It just feels better. Thank you for reminding me!
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 475


« Reply #111 on: January 26, 2014, 10:00:38 PM »

Thanks FMS Smiling (click to insert in post)

Perdy ... absolutely - sometimes things are just not dandy indeed.

I am grateful for my dog (and she loved the pat btw) and I am grateful that I am back to having a wage come in by the end of this week (things have gotten close to the bone this past week or so and I am literally living on toast and water) ... I am grateful that when I am at work, I have cool people who I like to be with ... . Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Perfidy
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #112 on: January 26, 2014, 10:09:35 PM »

Awesome DC. That has been one of the biggest boosts I've had. That brings me up. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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laelle
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #113 on: January 27, 2014, 04:28:59 AM »

DC,  It is good to hear that you are pushing forward.

I would like to highly recommend a book that I have been reading.

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.  You can pick it up on amazon for a phone or kindle for about 10 dollars.

It explains a lot about hormones and how they affect our emotions when abandoning a relationship.

It is always better to take the path of pushing forward than to looking back... . different hormones are secreted just from our own thoughts.

It has been a great book for me, and really helps in grieving loss.  My loss began way before my ex, but I want my childhood loss and fears to stop here.

I think it would be a great benefit for anyone going through what we are.

 Laelle
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Learning_curve74
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1333



« Reply #114 on: January 27, 2014, 07:01:56 AM »

Thank you for updating us, dc. It sounds like you're still struggling but not quite as badly as before. While your current living situation isn't ideal, it sounds a lot better and much less harmful than what you had before.

You sound downright cheery about having cool people you like at work. Keep on keeping on. And give your dog a doggie biscuit from me, even if it's only a virtual one... .   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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