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Author Topic: ER visit/hospital stay  (Read 4042 times)
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« Reply #60 on: January 06, 2014, 07:10:20 PM »

Hey H2H

Yes. I am still here. I have no immediate plans to be otherwise to be honest ... . I am a long way from finding anything at all in the minute/hour/day but I am OK with sitting in this room for the time being.

As for my dog the other day - I knew that either my ex or the other couple (not the ones I had issues with) would see to her and make sure she was OK.

The young girl (from that couple) told me on Sunday that when the police revived me momentarily when I was being put into the ambulance, she came to see if I was OK and I said to her "please don't let them hurt my baby girl" ... . She is my biggest consideration ATM ...
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« Reply #61 on: January 06, 2014, 08:28:55 PM »

ucmeicu2

That wasn't in any way aimed at you personally - honestly.

You weren't the first one to say something - there were comments removed the other day before the thread was moved and I honestly, and with no other motive or intent simply do not want to cause any more drama or discomfort to anybody else ... truly.

I am not sure how to answer your question or rather, I am not sure what you are asking when you say "what is the real reason?" ... sorry to be dense - can you elaborate?
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« Reply #62 on: January 06, 2014, 09:53:09 PM »

A quick update:

Work just called and they want me back on Thursday for a few days and back on the roster as of end of next week,

This is good. It gives tomorrow some semblance of meaning as I can work on getting my dog used to me being gone ready for the following day.

This is good.
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« Reply #63 on: January 06, 2014, 10:01:28 PM »

A quick update:

Work just called and they want me back on Thursday for a few days and back on the roster as of end of next week,

This is good. It gives tomorrow some semblance of meaning as I can work on getting my dog used to me being gone ready for the following day.

This is good.

Wow - congratulations!

Seems like it means some other things too:  work makes us feel good and useful, gives us focus, and (I hope) pays the bills.

If you don't mind saying, what kind of work do you do?  (I'm an engineer - I consult with little companies to solve technical and business problems.)
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« Reply #64 on: January 06, 2014, 10:11:39 PM »

Work does mean other things Matt ... you are correct there.

I have always taught university well, apart from 3 years teaching HS but this is a new field for me - my (academic) area is media/cultural studies and I am now working for a Media company - we do a range of things for TV stations - captioning, script editing, previewing of TV shows for edits and live respeaking of News/sport ... so, it has been a re-skilling for me and a big change.

Engineering is interesting work!
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« Reply #65 on: January 06, 2014, 10:18:26 PM »

That sounds pretty cool - it can be fun to go into another area, where you have some useful background but you're also learning new stuff and working with new people.

Engineering is fun, especially developing new products.  What I'm doing now lets me meet and work with small, young companies, which is exciting - one company I worked with developed an amazing electric motor for cars, and I'm now working with a company on new solar electric technology - very solid stuff that really works and is making money already.

Ironically, I got into this because of my ex!  She melted down, physically attacked me, then called 911 and accused me of assaulting her, and we both spent the night in jail.  After that I couldn't get work in the industry I had been in - they check backgrounds and if you have even been accused of domestic violence you don't get an interview - so I had to find something new.  It wasn't my choice but it has turned out very well - with a little luck I'll make quite a bit more this year than I ever did in my chosen field, and I'm traveling less so I have more time with my kids.

So you'll be working all day Thursday?
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« Reply #66 on: January 06, 2014, 10:21:44 PM »

Yes ... Thursday + Friday and then a re-assess of hours after that ...
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« Reply #67 on: January 06, 2014, 10:24:19 PM »

I think your dog will be fine.  I left mine at home all day for years - he was always excited when I got home but it was never a problem if you aren't gone overnight.
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« Reply #68 on: January 07, 2014, 05:09:39 AM »

that's great news DC!
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« Reply #69 on: January 07, 2014, 02:50:54 PM »

I guess part of posting is that it is anonymous here - with that anonymity (I thought) was the fact that nobody here knows me or where or who or am and (consequently) any feelings of obligation or similar should be neutered.

"neutered"?  

yes it's anonymous here.  it's also called "BPDfamily".  

i could be wrong, but think it's called "family" b/c it's a community of folks who care about each other, who may bond with each other, who ask for and receive support.  i think if you just wanted to talk you'd maybe call a hotline or if you just wanted to vent you'd maybe just journal... . or talk to your dog.  i think you come here, as all(?) of us do, to add the human element, to get feedback, to not feel alone.  if i'm wrong on that, plz let me know.  until then, i am a human element and i'm giving you feedback and i'm telling you you are not alone.  

i know you are in a fragile state of mind.  i know my words might not be perfect, they might hurt you, but i can only do the best i can.  i like to keep it real, not just soft peddle rainbows and unicorns.  if you were my sister/daughter/mother, i'd have you in front of a dr... . pronto!  that being an impossibility, my words here are my next best, nay my ONLY, option.

I simply don't really know what else to do at the moment.

well, at the moment the highest priority sounds like, based on what you've been posting to us, is keeping yourself alive and safe.  in order to do that, you must put yourself first.  even before the dog.

regarding the dog, here are some things you've said:

"She is my biggest consideration ATM... . "

you told matt:  "I have my dog here and nobody to take care of her if I go to hospital"

heel2heal asked:  "So.  No friends or family, no money, nobody to talk to, no bf, maybe no job.  What do you have to lose by surrendering to professional care again?  Oh yeah, your dog.  I know you care about that pooch, I can relate, I have two.  Tell me, how did the dog factor in when you were sitting there blade in hand?"

and your reply was:  "As for my dog the other day - I knew that either my ex or the other couple (not the ones I had issues with) would see to her and make sure she was OK."

so, if i may, heel2heal was saying things seem bleak and what is the harm in at this point in surrendering to health care as well as what were your plans for the dog when you were getting ready to cut/kill yourself.  you replied you knew the couple or your xBF would take care of the dog.  my challenge is that they would also take care of your dog NOW if you go voluntarily to hospital.  i haven't seen you address that.  so my question was since clearly someone WILL care for the dog, the dog is not the issue, why are you using the dog as a reason to not get the help that YOU, we can say with almost 100% assurety, you need?  it's not about the dog, we've established that.  so, what is it really about?  what is truly holding you back from getting the help you need?

"Hospital is a non-option."  yes it is.  it's an option that you've ruled out so far, but it is an option.



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« Reply #70 on: January 07, 2014, 03:34:58 PM »

well, at the moment the highest priority sounds like, based on what you've been posting to us, is keeping yourself alive and safe.  in order to do that, you must put yourself first.  even before the dog.

DC, you are in a very high risk situation right now - probably higher than you think.  

You're prone to wide mood swings, were living with a person that is emotionally unavailable, a chaotic and emotionally draining relationship on both sides, a living situation "in transition", uncertain employment , you have no local support network, a severe episode of self injury (possibly attempted suicide) - and you are isolated.

As it goes with these things, we all have some level inherent fragility, and when circumstances turn bad (stress goes way up), physical/chemical balances start to occur, and things are primed so that a single event can turn catastrophic.  

A single event.  We have had members here experience this, God rest their weary souls.

We all prone to this - some more than others - and its important for all to see (or listen to others)0 when we are in this state and take significant measures to get on a more firm footing.

Right now, bringing this to light, out of the closet, is the best thing you can do.  "More of the same" is probably the worst thing.

It's time for a bold step... . a strong step.

Your therapist can help you look at the options to you have available.  You can speak to the counselor at the hospital where you were.

Why not take advantage of your transition status to do this as Matt and ucmeicu2 suggest?

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« Reply #71 on: January 07, 2014, 05:15:02 PM »

Hi ucmeicu2

I actually meant that hospital is not an option as in I am making it not one.

Although, the dog won't/can't be looked after the ex and/or the couple that took her last weekend because we are no longer at that house (where the dog wasn't allowed anyway - which is what started all of the housing nonsense so, asking that couple to look after her again is impossible, it would start housing issues for THEM - remember, the ex also got evicted due to my dog).

To answer your question - it's not about being 'held back' from getting help per se. I have been hospitalised before and it doesn't 'help' at all. There is no therapy or anything of that nature if this is what you mean - it is a place to ensure that you don't hurt yourself and that is as far as it goes really.

I made an appt and saw my T the other night and I really tried to listen to what she had to say ... . I did look for help.

If I went to hospital that would be game over for my job - the irony of being 'safe' in hospital only to come out to no job (and hence nowhere to live) can't only be clear to me?

You are right when you say that I come here for a human element. I do ... but I honestly think that for everyone, enough has been said on and about this ... . the thread has been culled a few times because of things said, and right now there is just somewhat oppositional and circular thinking and writing - not productive for anybody at all.

I simply don't have anything else to say ... . I didn't start the thread to be talked out of suicide ... I started it to explain and process because here I CAN do that (and also because many people here were aware of the build-up to this I think).

I fully and completely intended to do this again on Monday - but I didn't. Yesterday, I was willing to let things be and just get through the day. I also committed to some work over the coming days. Today ... well, I got a bit of a shock re the ex last night and I am processing that but - I am OK with letting today just float by me as well.

So, I am in a better place than I was 2 days ago ... .


@Skip

Thanks for your advice and concern. I guess much of what I wrote above is applicable to answering you as well Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #72 on: January 07, 2014, 05:31:58 PM »

I simply don't have anything else to say ... . I didn't start the thread to be talked out of suicide ... I started it to explain and process because here I CAN do that (and also because many people here were aware of the build-up to this I think).

I fully and completely intended to do this again on Monday - but I didn't. Yesterday, I was willing to let things be and just get through the day.


I'm not sure I follow.  What were you planing to do yesterday?
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« Reply #73 on: January 07, 2014, 05:48:40 PM »

Sorry Skip - didn't mean to be obtuse.

I was fully intending to finish what I started on Monday (it's Wed morning here). But my point wasn't that - it was that I didn't. And that is something right?

I had a bit of a shock last night with my ex ... . and it triggered (it still is triggering) ... and I am compensating for that this morning but ... and it's a big but ... . I am planning the rest of my day ... . this is huge for me ... I am overcome by it but I am still planning my afternoon ... . this is big step compared to a couple of days ago.
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« Reply #74 on: January 07, 2014, 06:42:51 PM »

I've been reading through your posts today and the responses.

It's so hard to walk in each others shoes, but here you do have a place where we can all truly empathise with you and hope to give you a safe place to talk about what's on your mind, or what isn't.

My darkness lasted for almost a year and I dropped 20kg in under 2 months and was frighteningly thin and distant. If it wasn't for my 2 kids, I would have done more than just consider some long term options to make the pain go too. They were just 1 and 3 at the time and I would hold back the tears until they were in bed and cry until I slept. They needed me, just like your dog needs you. Of course there are other people that could step in with the day to day tasks, but that's not the point. We need the kids/dogs too and that can be enough to keep going when it seems so hard.

I started to get glimmers of light on and off and although it didn't last, it was enough. I started to realise that I controlled my thoughts, not BPD/Nxh or anyone else. I realised it was the voice in my head, repeating the negative views on life, that was bringing me down. No one was following me around 24/7 saying them out aloud. It was me.

I tried to keep busy. I would put my hand up and stay "stop, stop, stop, stop... . " (out aloud) when the negative thoughts would come in. Until they stopped. It was ridiculous, but it helped me control my thoughts and when I'd have them, instead of the other way around.

I had a crazy session with a Kinesiologist and she had me put all the negative energy into a rock, put the rock in the corner and then tell the rock what I thought of it and get rid of the rock. Boy was it weird, but strangely, the energy I used to get the negative thoughts "into" the rock helped. It helped me realise I could define them and then choose not to feel them.

Being busy at work is good. Throw yourself into it. Can you start to volunteer at a shelter or a charity store or a church? Perhaps being around people and feeling useful can help you too?

You mentioned that your ex told you that sex was an issue? I had that too. After years of being told by BPD/Nxh that I was a sexual animal in the bedroom and so amazing etc, he told me one day that he was never attracted to me, he tolerated sex with me to make me happy and would pretend to love my body and my mind and that the truth was that he detested me and the thought of being with me made him physically sick. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and I have never felt more powerless and disgusted with myself. It literally broke me. I told my therapist about it after years of believing his filth. She told me that it was about him and the way he felt about himself and nothing more than projection. I had taken it personally (obviously) and I didn't even know at the time he was BPD/NPD so it was a real wake up.

I realised his comments and degradation of me had nothing to do with me, and his praise and love of me had nothing to do with me either. He was incapable of truly being with me and respecting me and I was holding him to real-world relationship standards.

I needed to work on my own self esteem and build it up again. I didn't want to give him even 1 more minute of renting space in my head and giving him the power to tell me who I am and what I am worth.

4 years on, I am a powerful, confident, self assured woman whom I love and respect. I do not need anyone to validate who I am, although I am open to people who compliment who I am.

I wish you this kind of happiness too. You deserve it xxx
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« Reply #75 on: January 07, 2014, 09:14:49 PM »

Thank you for sharing your story foward2free, it is appreciated.

I am very sorry that you went through that ordeal and had to deal with children and life at the same time ... it speaks volumes about your strength and resilience that you got through it and have risen above it.

My (sexual) devaluation was somewhat different to yours because my ex doesn't rage - quite the opposite. I think what really hurt in regards to that was that he spoke as if he was talking about a book or film that he once enjoyed but no longer saw any value in - it was very matter-of-fact and really, without malice it would seem ... it just seemed so natural to him that he would no longer find me sexually attractive (ie: why would he?) ... .

I don't really want to talk about it anymore ... . nor how I feel or anything like that ... . I am exhausted and today is proving to be quite the struggle.

But I wanted you to know that I read and appreciate your words.

Thank you.
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« Reply #76 on: January 07, 2014, 09:37:40 PM »

I understand   
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« Reply #77 on: January 08, 2014, 04:26:34 PM »

Hey dc, glad to hear that you are getting some work. It is nice to have some structure to the day and know what to expect.

We are all still here to listen whatever your concerns may be. Even if you are "talked out" with us, I hope you find something good in the talks with your T. I know that as soon as I start the trip to visit my T, it has a calming effect on me like a security blanket.

And at certain times it's beyond words and a hug can be the most meaningful thing in the world.   
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« Reply #78 on: January 09, 2014, 01:02:37 AM »

Hey LC... . thanks for the message

I AM indeed 'talked out' ... . I am not in a close r/s with my T as we have only met 4 times and she is most interested in making me 'safe' ... . I understand this compulsion ... . but it is ironic to me that 'safe' somehow equals 'alive' (and yes, I use the term with air quotes ... I am not 'safe' in the same world as my ex ... far, far from it).

I appreciate the hug ... you have no idea but ... honestly ... I think the touch of another human being would burn right through to the bone right now ... not what everyone wants to hear and probably not how I should feel ... but there it si ... I have been hugging my dog a lot though ... I just want to make her OK ... whatever that does or doesn't mean. I spend hours trying to think what the best thing for her welfare is ... mine is irrelevant ... but my baby girl has kept me planning ... until I make a decision for her, well, I am stuck. Perhaps that is (objectively) a good thing.

Thanks again.
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« Reply #79 on: January 09, 2014, 01:17:46 AM »

Dogs are awesome because they offer true unconditional love, something humans rarely, if ever do. I've overhugged mine in times of strife, and they're always there for me, although sometimes their eyes say "dude, you're trippin.'"

Gotta find a reason and a purpose damage, doesn't have to be today, but believe it's possible, starting now.
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« Reply #80 on: January 09, 2014, 01:26:34 AM »

I am trying H2H ... . I am really, REALLY trying here.

But I keep getting stuck: wht kind of world doesn't recognise pain and longing and desire but instead offers quick-term solutions through consumtpion of goods and services?

Is it OK to choose an exit from said world or ... is it just simply a selfish act as advocated by the powers that be?

Is my doggie better off coming with me?

Is a world where such pain exists even worth fighting to be part of?

How can I find meaning where there simply is none?

I don't care for money, material goods, security, things, stability or any facsimile thereof ... is it possible to quell one's desire and, if so, ... what worth is the life that does such a thing?

I am trying so hard but it eludes me.
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« Reply #81 on: January 09, 2014, 01:52:36 AM »

But I keep getting stuck: wht kind of world doesn't recognise pain and longing and desire but instead offers quick-term solutions through consumtpion of goods and services?

Goods and services are Band-aides.  Everyone experiences and therefore recognizes pain and longing, they're part of what makes life so awesome, beautiful in it's pain and it's pleasure, in fact, you need one to experience the other.

Is it OK to choose an exit from said world or ... is it just simply a selfish act as advocated by the powers that be?

All acts are selfish, in the end.  :)eciding that offing yourself is the only option indicates you have a belief system that is not supporting you.  Belief systems, like software, are easy to change; just delete it and install something more empowering.  Yes, it is that simple, and I'm not making light when you're struggling, I'm serious.

Is my doggie better off coming with me?

You hurt that dog and I will hate you forever.

Is a world where such pain exists even worth fighting to be part of?

Yes, because massive pleasure exists too, in fact they need each other.

How can I find meaning where there simply is none?

By stopping looking outside for it and defining it for yourself.

I don't care for money, material goods, security, things, stability or any facsimile thereof ... is it possible to quell one's desire and, if so, ... what worth is the life that does such a thing?

It isn't about those things, it's about what they give you: certainty, variety, significance, connection, love, growth, contribution.  Those things are just vehicles to give you what you really need, and they can be found without them.

I am trying so hard but it eludes me.

You are stronger than your current circumstances.  Quit fcking with me and prove it.
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« Reply #82 on: January 09, 2014, 10:44:44 AM »

Oh DC, I just found this thread, read it, cried for awhile and now I’m back to say this:

Please, please, please take care of yourself.  You’ve offered me some good advice in the past and cheered me up when I was feeling low.  I admit, I’ve never been in the shoes your in right now and have no expertise on the subject.  But I do know that I look up to you and could not bear to lose you.  Your one of my favs.  

Show me how you just say f%&k it, pick yourself up, hold your head high, put a smile on your face and smile as you realize the wonderful future that lays ahead for you.  Show me that there is hope by being one of the biggest success stories evah.

Love you, LMS

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« Reply #83 on: January 10, 2014, 01:52:03 PM »

what kind of world doesn't recognise pain and longing and desire but instead offers quick-term solutions through consumtpion of goods and services?

What do you mean by this?  Who is doing what and what should they be doing differently.  Can you break it down?

Is it OK to choose an exit from said world or ... is it just simply a selfish act as advocated by the powers that be?

Doesn't this depend on the who is left behind?  If there is no one, it probably isn't very selfish at all.

If there is someone, then their lives are very much effected.  My girlfriends ex killed himself and then there were two teenage boys left to try and understand life.  I helped the boys.  It affected us all very deeply - in ways I would not have imagined.  In ways you might not imagine at all.

There is an older women in the neighborhood some years back that took her life.  She was alone.  I don't know that anyone was affected by it other than her.

You have a little time now.  Did you ever think of volunteering with a survivors group.  It might really help answer this question.
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« Reply #84 on: January 10, 2014, 07:13:23 PM »

Oh DC, I just found this thread, read it, cried for awhile and now I’m back to say this:

Please, please, please take care of yourself.  You’ve offered me some good advice in the past and cheered me up when I was feeling low.  I admit, I’ve never been in the shoes your in right now and have no expertise on the subject.  But I do know that I look up to you and could not bear to lose you.  Your one of my favs.

Show me how you just say f%&k it, pick yourself up, hold your head high, put a smile on your face and smile as you realize the wonderful future that lays ahead for you.  Show me that there is hope by being one of the biggest success stories evaaaaaah!

Love you, LMS

Thanks LMS ... xx
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« Reply #85 on: January 10, 2014, 07:15:30 PM »

@H2H:

Thanks for your post.

I don't quite know where to start in answering/responding but I appreciate both your time and the challenge implicit ... .

I am uncertain of what else to say ... . but wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and it means a lot that you did.

DC
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« Reply #86 on: January 10, 2014, 07:19:18 PM »

@Skip

Thank you also for the post and the question/s and insight/s.

I am also not sure how to answer your question ... . breaking down what I mean about longing and consumption? ... . I don't know where to start.

I am almost all worded out. I feel like I have said everything and am just worn out from going in circles - verbally, emotionally.

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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #87 on: January 10, 2014, 09:21:07 PM »

I played Candy Crush; went through so many levels I needed a dentist.

As far as a diversion, soother and brain occupier it worked great.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #88 on: January 10, 2014, 11:55:39 PM »

DC... Can I ask you something?

Yes perfidy?

DC, do you want to feel better?

Yes perfidy, I want to stop hurting. I want the pain to stop.

You know DC, to feel better you have to be alive.


This was based on my own experience with prevention.

There was more. This is what made the most sense to me.

Second in importance was leaving my children with the grief that I was feeling.

It was not fair of me to pass my grief on to my children. I love them too much.

Thirdly... . The feeling will pass. This I did not believe. It persisted for months. I know now that the feeling passes because it has passed several times. It will pass.

I was told to pick a date and not to do it until that date. Oh yes, I was suffering. I had everything planned out.

DC... I know how hard this is. I want you to know that you aren't alone. It can and will get better.
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RecycledNoMore
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« Reply #89 on: January 10, 2014, 11:56:36 PM »

I played Candy Crush; went through so many levels I needed a dentist.

As far as a diversion, soother and brain occupier it worked great.

Skyrim here:)

I played untill I was pretty much omnipotent.

You do need a break dc, your going through some heavy sht right now,how is your new home? Maybe you could try redecorating, I went to opshops, picked up small beautiful things,and apparently some pretty uggo stuff too it helped to keep my mind from reaching critical mass and exploding.
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