Message from the replacements family?

[Grissum69]

Hi all,

Well today was fairly a good day, went to the gym for an hour, came home had dinner and was just going to relax and read " I hate you don't leave me" finished.   I logged on to facebook and saw I had a friend request, so I replied but I have no clue who this person is.  I get a pm from this person stating " Hey my brother in law is involved with K. and I think she is not being fully truthful with him. We are worried for him, was wondering if we could talk."   He left me his number to call him, he wants to talk about my ex.

Wow really...  my anxiety level shot through the roof because the very mention of her had me going.  I'm trying to regain myself, been working out, concentrating on myself, keeping myself busy with school work.  and then this  

[CoasterRider]

My advice would be stay out of it. Her dysfunction and who it affects don't involve you anymore. It's just gonna drag up all that stuff you have worked hard to put behind you.

[love4meNOTu]

Oh my.

Okay, my first thought was how is this affecting you? I have thought about if this happens to me and I decided that if I was in a place where I could handle it emotionally then I would try to help.

However, that help would be very brief. It would be something along the lines of "wait and all things will be revealed to you". And I would reiterate my experience with my ex husband as far as timelines, and maybe one of two of the worst examples of his behavior.

Being that this is not the replacement, but the replacement's family I would be very, very brief. Only reveal what you would tell a stranger... not your best friend. I wonder if there could be some sort of repercussions to you, legally if she found out that you maligned her?

I don't know, it's up to you. But that is what I would do.

Take care of yourself, I can imagine you are very confused right now. Knowing how painful it is to be w a BPD my heart goes out to all who get involved with them, especially those of us who had no idea what we were in for.

L

[Mutt]

" Hey my brother in law is involved with K. and I think she is not being fully truthful with him. We are worried for him, was wondering if we could talk."   He left me his number to call him, he wants to talk about my ex.

I know that if my BIL or another family member tried to talk to me I was too much in the FOG and it wasn't any of their business anyway. So what would this BIL have to gain by talking to her ex? Do you want to get in the middle of this? It sounds like he's got it figured out already. I know I'm done with my ex and if the replacements family reached out to me, I'd block them on FB.

[Mazda]

It depends from person to person.  I would.  My ex was involved with my best friend.  She told my parents what he had done to her.  I was in the FOG, but my parents were able to see what he was doing.  It didn't convince me to leave, but it did make them vigilant about the warning signs and ultimately helped me when it came to the end of our relationship.  They were able to help me come out of the FOG and their outside perspective is great for my weak moments. 

Did I warn my replacement? Yes.  Did it make a difference to her?  Well, she still married him, but I am hoping giving her the heads up will help her realise sooner.  In a wonderful way, speaking to her actually gave me the closure I needed. I was also in an anxiety place at the time, but knowing that I could have potentially helped a person be spared the extent of the abuse I went through was cathartic to me personally. 

Again, this is all individual to me.  It's just another perspective.

[copingwithhim]

GG71,

I agree with Mazda... .

If you were the one asking for information, wouldn't you have appreciated a response?

[heartandwhole]

Sounds kind of messy to me.  Don't think I'd appreciate my sister-in-law potentially going behind my back to find the ex of my current love interest.   

I assume that the man your ex is with is an adult, capable of taking care of himself.  I understand wanting to save him from heartache, that is really kind.  But he may take the information exactly the opposite way, and resent the meddling in his personal life.  In the end, it's just more rescuing behavior – something we are working to let go of, right?

Greengiant, my concern is you and how you feel about this.  Is it worth the triggering of painful feelings that this brings up, or jeopardizing the gains that you have made thus far?

[bewildered2]

i'd call the person back, just explain that your ex is a very difficult person, and then let them know about two books that you read that helped you understand things ("stop walking on eggshells" and "I hate you dont leave me".

if they are really interested then they'll read the books, or at least get an understanding of what you are talking about.

if they fb you again just ask them if they read the books.

if the answer is yes, and they want to have a conversation, do it.

if the answer is no, then refer them to the books and say "I found the answer there".

is there any chance that this fb friend request was really from your ex? if so, then i would be very careful... .

b2 

[Pretty Woman]

Be the bigger person and stay out of it.  All it's going to do is throw you into something you shouldn't be a part of. 

So the BIL tells the new guy he talked to you.  This gets back to your ex... .

All hell breaks loose.  You are doing well and as another poster said it sounds like the guy is smart and on to your ex (the BIL). No need to reply.  This part of your life is over. 

[Aussie0zborn]

My $0.02c worth... .

Talking about your experience with this person could set you back.

Answering a question for someone wanting to do an intervention is not a  bad thing but if responding I would keep it short and sweet. Acknowledging that their radar is in fine working order should be enough. Referring them to the books suggested above is a good way to close the discussion. Short and sweet. Good luck and do let us know how you decide to handle this.

[Murbay]

Some really great points already made and a difficult position to find yourself in.

Mazda makes a perfect point about a response but I have to agree with heartandwhole. Greengiant, the biggest concern is you and could being drawn back in to it open up old wounds. Also, any unresolved feelings you may have might manifest themselves in anger or frustration. Regardless of the situation and how your ex has made you feel, she doesn't deserve the repercussions this may bring either. Don't forget, all it takes is someone to accidentally say "Greengiant, told me this" and you become the vengeful ex. Best left out of it.

That said, Mazda's point and something already raised, there is no harm is responding back and maybe you should guide them towards the books that have helped you. That way you have offered your assistance, not become enmeshed in someone elses business and allowed them to make those choices themselves.

With hindsight, I would have loved nothing more than my exBPDw's exbf to contact me. He told her she was broken and incapable of love, left the relationship and went NC. He already knew what I was learning. In truth, had he contacted me or had any of my family contacted him during that relationship, I would have put everything he had to say down to be being a jealous and vengeful ex. My experience with my exBPDw for for me to learn from and in turn it taught me a great deal about myself and areas I needed to work on in myself. I'm extremely thankful for that experience. So in that sense, sometimes the best way to help someone is to not get involved.

Either way, the decision is yours but just be mindful of your own feelings asthey are the most important in all of this  

[Moonie75]

I was warned off my ex in the early days of our relationship, 1st by her sister "my sister will hurt you Moonie! She hurts everyone & she's a liar."

2nd by her brother, "my sis is a real material girl & you're in for a bumpy ride".

I got on well with both of her siblings & though these warnings didn't offend me during the honeymoon, I did ignore them. (Admittedly to my own detriment).

After honeymoon was over, during first break up I spoke to her father in my trying to make some sense of the mess.

Fathers comment, "me & her mum knew there'd be trouble, but it wasn't our relationship to meddle in. You're a big boy, you will make your own mistakes in love & warnings from others don't tend to steer the blind, until they choose to see!"


So basically, at different times her whole immediate family had their say.

Did it stop me going into the fire?

No!

I was blind because it best suited my hopes. Nobody could open my eyes for me, until it also suited my hopes!

 

[Free2Bee]

I've thought about this, what I would do or would have done if I had been warned.

If someone had warned me, I would have thanked them, filed away the info and carried on. In fact, a friend of mine, recognising my partner's symptoms, steered me toward a BPD article and I found it so 'scary' that I tucked it away in my bookmarks.

BUT... . when the situation started escalating and another friend expressed concern, I dug it back out and read it.

I think the best you can do is plant a seed, try to be as neutral as possible and offer information, not judgement.

If the replacement or her family contact me (and God, she's a sweet girl - I'm hoping I'm wrong, but I have a feeling... . ), I'll tell them that I had a bad experience, but I think an illness was involved, encourage them to Google BPD and wish them luck, firmly setting a boundary that I've helped all I'm able to and can do no more.

Beyond that level of assistance, I think I would be triggered and I need to take care of me.

[alliance]

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

If the person who contacted you IS really a bil, it is none of his business and none of yours either.

Do not invite drama into your life. You have struggled to get out of this mess. You are still triggered by it. Nothing good will come from this contact.

Stay out of it for your own wellbeing.

[Mutt]

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

If the person who contacted you IS really a bil, it is none of his business and none of yours either.

Do not invite drama into your life. You have struggled to get out of this mess. You are still triggered by it. Nothing good will come from this contact.

Stay out of it for your own wellbeing.

+1

[ShadowDancer]

In love as in war, there is no defeat in retreat.

[santa]

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

If the person who contacted you IS really a bil, it is none of his business and none of yours either.

Do not invite drama into your life. You have struggled to get out of this mess. You are still triggered by it. Nothing good will come from this contact.

Stay out of it for your own wellbeing.

+1

+1

I can't imagine anything good for you coming from going down that road.

[RecycledNoMore]

Sign in under a different profile suggest SWOE, leave it at that

[goldylamont]

this is a very personal decision. i for one wouldn't mind at all giving out *some* info, but like another user stated i would be careful about how much i said. also i think i have my emotions in check enough to deal with things. i would take the suggestions of others and only mention BPD and some books resources on it to the BiL at most. I only would reveal anything else to the replacement himself if he was willing to meet in person at a public place to talk about it. this would show me that he was in a position of seeking out the truth... . not so sure he's ready if it's the BiL that's doing the seeking for him. so I would give BiL a little info and say if there was anything more i would need to speak to the replacement directly mano-y-mano if he felt ready. but that's just me. other people would shy away--which is their right because everyone's situation is different. for me i would feel worse about myself though if i weren't even able to address the issue, but this isn't right for everyone. confuse you enough?   how do you feel about it? what do you want to do?

[RecycledNoMore]

SWOE ?

Stop Walking On Eggshells

The BPD bible...

.

[Grissum69]

I got a call yesterday from my ex's fiance's brother in law...   he had many questions and I had many answers to give him, his brother in law is very concerned.  Apparently "the ex" is trying to get my replacement to join the army, buy a house, adopt her kids, and buy a dog for her.  Yeah I told him I would talk to the fiance directly if they wanted me to I have no problem with that, I have yet to hear from him though.   I gave the brother in law a background history of her, suggested the book "I hate you don't leave me" and told him if he values his brother in law he will get him away from her ASAP. 

[alliance]

Wow really...  my anxiety level shot through the roof because the very mention of her had me going.  I'm trying to regain myself, been working out, concentrating on myself, keeping myself busy with school work.  and then this  

You know Green, you admit this caused you anxiety, how you were focusing on you yada yada yada... . and then you made the conscious decision to stick your foot right back into the fire?

Enable my dysfunction please.

I have got to get off this site. It is just not healthy.

[Mutt]

I got a call yesterday from my ex's fiance's brother in law...   he had many questions and I had many answers to give him, his brother in law is very concerned.  Apparently "the ex" is trying to get my replacement to join the army, buy a house, adopt her kids, and buy a dog for her.  Yeah I told him I would talk to the fiance directly if they wanted me to I have no problem with that, I have yet to hear from him though.   I gave the brother in law a background history of her, suggested the book "I hate you don't leave me" and told him if he values his brother in law he will get him away from her ASAP. 

Curiosity killed the cat?

There's a lot of info there about ex through her BIL.

Was it rescuing or you wanted to get info about her through a proxy?

[Turkish]

I got a call yesterday from my ex's fiance's brother in law...  he had many questions and I had many answers to give him, his brother in law is very concerned. Apparently "the ex" is trying to get my replacement to join the army, buy a house, adopt her kids, and buy a dog for her.  Yeah I told him I would talk to the fiance directly if they wanted me to I have no problem with that, I have yet to hear from him though.   I gave the brother in law a background history of her, suggested the book "I hate you don't leave me" and told him if he values his brother in law he will get him away from her ASAP.  

Curiosity killed the cat?

There's a lot of info there about ex through her BIL.

Was it rescuing or you wanted to get info about her through a proxy?

I don't know about anyone else, but if I got info like that on mine, it would validate that I, in fact, was not the crazy one. Not that I think that anyway, but still :^)

The range of opinions here is interesting. Green: I'd suggest throwing up NC now to everybody on that side, and let things unsort themselves out without your involvement. Politely exit this as best you can with one message. Erect a firm boundary, and let the BIL know you are doing this. Make sure he understands. Be a martyr if you have to and say you are dealing with residual PTSD from that r/s and you need to be free (that would say a lot in itself). You aren't being rude, you are protecting youself. They already have what they need and know. You don't need to validate them.

Validate youself.

[Pretty Woman]

Green, you made the best decision for yourself. Please do not let all our opinions sway or make you think you screwed up in any way.

I think at this point you gave all the info. Now, I agree NC. If you feel that is not polite tell them you are moving on and decline to comment further.

[Mutt]

I don't know about anyone else, but if I got info like that on mine, it would validate that I, in fact, was not the crazy one. Not that I think that anyway, but still :^)

I talked to the kids about divorce over the weekend and re-assured them they did nothing wrong and mom and dad couldn't get a long because of arguing / fighting. My D8 mentioned that mom is arguing with her b/f. That's enough validation for me that the pattern is there and I know it's only going to escalate and he's in the FOG. My r/s is over. I wash my hands. I've told her clearly that I don't want her now or in the future. Don't come back.

I don't want to know about their plans as a couple or anything else. He made a choice by sticking his hand in the fire, it's their business, not mine, but that's just me.

Interesting thread and it's somewhat split, but it's just different choices / opinions.

Take care of yourself OP.

[Starlight607]

I made contact with the ex wife of my ex BPD BF after we broke up because I was in a mess. I could not get my head around what train crash I had been in with his lies, cheating, verbal abuse and flipping. She was the only one I felt would truly identify with what I was feeling? Was I insane myself? My family and friends offered me the kind words and support but he was a closed book of charm to them. They only had my version of events unseen by any of them. So selfishly I did not just go into my hole as normal and refrain from trouble and upsetting others, I just thought about me and my needs for the first time ever I think! I wanted talk to her and she could have said no but rang me as soon as she received my letter.  She and I both talked at great length and I was lucky as it really helped me to see I was not bonkers as he claimed, unhinged, needy and all the other insults I received. I realise I am changing the topic slightly as it is not a relative of the replacement but I agree with Mutt it is down  to choice. I would warn future women involved with him if they sought me out but previous posts are right in that warnings will go unheeded if they are not sought.

[ScotisGone74]

This is one of the things that I believe everyone has a different interpretation of.   In the depths of confusion and bewilderment I reached out to the exBPD's ex during the end.   I received nothing in return, no comment, no ideas, no anything.   The new Mr. X was living with her and, with me on the doorstep several times wondering what the hell was happening never said one word to me as he hid inside.   I don't know, but honestly I can just laugh about it now.   Either they were too scared, too hurt themselves, or too confused to say anything.   I guess its a little bit different for guys, kind of like 'Man code, if you screw my ex wife or exgf you've bought it, no favors from me"

In the event that the latest Mr. X calls with any questions I have not made up my mind what I will do, I'll worry about it when the time comes. 

[Mutt]

"Man code, if you screw my ex wife or exgf you've bought it, no favors from me"

That line made me think, "let's switch roles and put myself in OM's shoes"

By no means is this directed at you ScotisGone74.

I'm simply venting.

I have D8, S5, S2 w/ uBPD STBX.

This is the first 120 days with OM and kids (he has no kids)  All the while STBX says "you can have kids every second weekend, IF you behave, you can have them more" Guess what? I'm painted black and it doesn't matter if I behave. I don't get them.

- Moves in 3 weeks after STBX separates from me.

- Kids have family BBQ school and instead of him saying "You know what uBPD, maybe dad should be going with the kids, it's too soon, you go with them etc... . I'll sit this one oute" my wife says for whatever reason wants to invite me at the same time as hime "Mutt you can come to the BBQ with OM and I, but only IF you behave" No lie.

- STBX and OM have a wedding on his side of the family. Mutt is available to take the kids that weekend and they take the kids with them. Parading my kids in front of his family.

- Movies as family w/ kids, lazer-tag, fishing, camping.

Whatever horsesh%t the wife told him about me, did he not consider to give my kids space (introduce yourself in doses, 6 months to a year, not let my wife shove you down everyone's throats) or the emotional impact by introducing himself that early to my kids would have? He's that needy?  

I'm not even in the same plane as intelligence / morales / values with this guy and I'm supposed to think about him? I don't speak the same language.

"Oh BTW OM, you made a really big mistake, my wife is crazy"

Karma.

Whatever comes his way is by his own stupidity.

Now I feel better having said that.

[ScotisGone74]

Lol... . Mutt I hear you, I really do.    To be honest, my BPD ex was in such a hurry to get married, for me to get her pregnant, for me to whatever... . it all seemed very strange to me and I do feel Lucky to this day that I somehow managed to dodge that bullet even though I loved her.   But the next guy married her within three months and got her pregnant at the same time.  Her first marriage lasted approximately six months before she was telling people she was divorced already, of course as I found out she was still married.   Buddy good luck with that!   Yes don't come crying to me about in another year or so... . but at the same time I feel like I should at least give the guy a clue.   I geuss thats what got me into all this trouble in the first place, trying to help someone out.    Remind me to not give a s$i# and remain silent when whoever comes calling.