Hello L6.

[Mutt]

I think that it's time that I move off of the leaving / detaching board and move to to the L6 board, personal inventory. I've been mostly on that board for several months and it has been tremendous help, but I think it's time. I have learned enough about the uBPD person in my life and our marriage / relationship. I want to take the focus off of my ex and focus on myself, I sensed that I was starting to ruminate and I was allowing myself to get emotionally triggered. I was curious as how her r/s is going with her new b/f, trying to fortune tell how things may unfold, but none of that is in my control or none of my business. I can control where I want to go in life and who I want to share that with. I am still in the grieving process 12 months later. I spent much time on bpdfamily.com talking about the ex and owning or acknowledging some small things in my part of the r/s, but made it mostly about her. Truthfully I remember back in the 90's hearing of a term "co-dependency" and the word was used around these boards often. There was a reason why I fused / enmeshed with my ex and I brought my co-dependency to the table and that's why I think it's best to be on this board and work on me.  

[Want2know]

Truthfully I remember back in the 90's hearing of a term "co-dependency" and the word was used around these boards often. There was a reason why I fused / enmeshed with my ex and I brought my co-dependency to the table and that's why I think it's best to be on this board and work on me. 

Moving through detachment and starting to work on ourselves is certainly a process.  Glad to see you posting here.

I see that you have had some counseling... . had you spoken with your counselor about co-dependency?  What are your initial thoughts about it?

[Mutt]

Thank you Want2know. I had brought the word up with my P and my T and neither touched on it. Currently with my T, I'm working on strategies on moving forward and letting go of the guilt and justification on my part of the r/s. Which is hard.  For many years I have had issues with self esteem / self worth, boundaries or feeling guilt if I put my needs in front of others. My issues allowed myself to be manipulated / controlled by my SO. I can also say that I can see control issues but I'm not sure if it's co-dependency / fear of abandonment issues.

Having said that, I'm discouraged that the topic was glossed over or ignored by both my P and T but honestly, I think I was trying to get through the initial separation. I'm trying to find activities when I don't have the kids (I get them one week, mom gets them one week 50/50) to take the focus off of ex, focus on me and go out and meet new people. Co-dependency is something that I'm interested in learning about / work on. I do not want to fall into the rabbit hole again due to some of my issues. I want to be happier in the next r/s.

Co-dependency is a big one. This last life event exposed this issue with reading around the boards and researching it and I can't deny it, it's certainly qualities that I can see in myself.

[Want2know]

Having said that, I'm discouraged that the topic was glossed over or ignored by both my P and T but honestly, I think I was trying to get through the initial separation. I'm trying to find activities when I don't have the kids (I get them one week, mom gets them one week 50/50) to take the focus off of ex, focus on me and go out and meet new people. Co-dependency is something that I'm interested in learning about / work on. I do not want to fall into the rabbit hole again due to some of my issues. I want to be happier in the next r/s.

These things are important, too, as you start peeling back the onion, so to speak.  Not sure if you've read this article on our site about co-dependency:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

It's a pretty straight forward article, with some eye-opening statements. 

I think a lot of us have those tendencies.  The opening quote in the article is pretty powerful:  "A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on another they become focused on themselves, too."  It exacerbates the situation, especially if you are dealing with a narcissist, as I was in the relationship that lead me to this site. 

Do you think that you might bring up the topic with your therapist next time you see them?  It's your dime. 

[Mutt]

No I haven't read the article on co-dependency and thank you Want2know. TBH  I've spent too much time and energy on the ex instead of myself during and after the r/s.

I've spent a part of 40 years identifying with some of these issues and trying to understand the bigger picture about myself and it lays it all out. There's something there Mutt, what the hell is it?

My psychedelic trip down the yellow brick road with BPD wasn't for naught. At the end of the toxic journey I find, myself.

As the article points out that the good news is, I'm a codependant partner and under my own power, I can find a solution to the problem. I don't want to touch everything in the article in this post as it would make it too long, but dysfunctional communication is a big one for me. Not knowing how to communicate my feelings or needs / wants is something that's happened to me countless times in therapy / marriage counseling sessions etc ... . It's like I come to a complete blank when I'm asked a simple question "How do you feel?" I felt frustrated, and dumb by not being able to articulate how I feel.

Low-self esteem, people pleaser, lack of boundaries (HUGE one for me), reactivity (another big one that I can identify with), control, dependency on people around me to like me because I fear rejection etc... .

It's absolutely amazing. A tumultuous, toxic, extremely painful 8 year r/s with a person with BPD... . loving this person (or really enmeshment), the massive chaos / destruction that she caused when the r/s was winding down and she was well into a new one with the replacement ... . I find the truth about myself.  

As I sift through the debris and rubble of a destroyed marriage, my uBPD left me a huge gift... . the core of my issues and the power to change them. She will never understand or reciprocate but I silently thank her.

To uBPDstbx:

I loved you D and thank you for giving me the key to understanding myself. I'm sorry that you can't understand and I hope that you find the power to helping yourself someday. There is good in you and I want you to stop the needless pain inside of you ... . it hurts me to no end, but I can't help you.  There were good times and they will always have a place in my heart. It's time to move on. 

- F


P.S. I'm going to print off the article and start working on this stuff in T.

[Want2know]

My psychedelic trip down the yellow brick road with BPD wasn't for naught. At the end of the toxic journey I find, myself.

Here's another perspective on that yellow brick road



(sorry for the profanity, but I think it fits)

P.S. I'm going to print off the article and start working on this stuff in T.

That is a great start!   

Let us know what happens - okay?

[Mutt]

  that pic sums it up.

I gave an example to my P over the summer that I would be in the shower and a memory of the ex in-laws would pop-up. We would spend many vacations away from the city in the country-side there. I would help her dad with renovations around his house. I remember working long hours and taking a hot shower at his house to ease and relax the muscles. Hard physical work. My wife and I spent some good times there. My P said "Mutt your grieving, that's why your getting these memories coming out unexpectedly"

I got a lot of these mental pictures at the beggining of the separation and grieving and they tappered off. In the past month, there's been an influx of them, as if it was the early part of grieving again, but it's the bad memories of her. The same time spent but the 6 hour drive where she was emotionaly dysregulated, arguing, blaming and picking fights with me with the kids in the car.

A few months back, I let the cat out of the bag about what was going on in the r/s to friends and family, often I heard "that's crazy!" as a response to her irrationlal behaviors etc... . I bit my lip. It hurt to hear those words because it was my wife and I had put up with so much. I felt shame. I say the word crazy not to desrcribe her because I feel a certain cruelty, but as to describe her behaviors. I believe she is sick. Mental illness shouldn't carry a stigma if people need and want help. This is a disorder. But, I've been thinking  a lot about these memories, the negative ones, her detachment with all of the fighting and blaming and her actions when she discarded me in the last year.

I can't believe with what I put up with. It really was some crazy sh^t and I know that it's nothing something that I could go a second round with her and certainly not a first round with anyone else. I'm not there yet, but I have developed a "spider-sense" to toxic and crazy making behavior.  I don't knoe the meaning why my memories have shifted to the negative memories, but I think I'm starting to look at the more balanced side of what was going on, instead of hanging on the the small fraction of the good times that we had. There some there, but not enough to justify the entire r/s, and certainly not a good reason to have married her. I married her because I felt obligated too. I also thought that she would maybe "grow up" or she would "simmer down" Neither happened. It simply got worse. A lot worse.

My D8 says this about me: ":)ad your a good, kind, handsome man that is very caring" and she's right. It's time to find a woman with the same qualities. I can show the kids that this is how two people show love, devotion and caring. Not through fighting, blaming, arguing and drama.

I deserve to bring happiness and serenity into my life and get rid of the chaos and bitterness.

[ucmeicu2]

I think that it's time that I move off of the leaving / detaching board and move to to the L6 board, personal inventory. I've been mostly on that board for several months and it has been tremendous help, but I think it's time. I have learned enough about the uBPD person in my life and our marriage / relationship. I want to take the focus off of my ex and focus on myself, I sensed that I was starting to ruminate and I was allowing myself to get emotionally triggered. <cut> I spent much time on bpdfamily.com talking about the ex and owning or acknowledging some small things in my part of the r/s, but made it mostly about her. <cut>  There was a reason why I fused / enmeshed with my ex and I brought my co-dependency to the table and that's why I think it's best to be on this board and work on me.

It's absolutely amazing. A tumultuous, toxic, extremely painful 8 year r/s with a person with BPD... . loving this person (or really enmeshment), the massive chaos / destruction that she caused when the r/s was winding down and she was well into a new one with the replacement ... . I find the truth about myself.

hi mutt ~ welcome to L6.  glad to see you posting here.  i like/relate to what you've said about the process from L3 to L6 (went thru the same myself, i guess all of us here have), the gift of the r/s w/a pwBPD (even tho at the time it looks anything BUT a gift), and the incredible 'stuff' we can gain from the insights (i feel, at least for myself, this part will always be a work in progress).  again, welcome.

[Mutt]

hi mutt ~ welcome to L6.  glad to see you posting here.  i like/relate to what you've said about the process from L3 to L6 (went thru the same myself, i guess all of us here have), the gift of the r/s w/a pwBPD (even tho at the time it looks anything BUT a gift), and the incredible 'stuff' we can gain from the insights (i feel, at least for myself, this part will always be a work in progress).  again, welcome.

Thank you ucmeicu2 for the warm welcome and I agree with you, high five 

[seeking balance]

Hey Mutt,

Codependent No More is a book I highly recommend in working through codependency issues.  Her approach is very straightforward, goes to the root, shows how it manifests itself in adulthood.

Peace,

SB

[ucmeicu2]

Thank you ucmeicu2 for the warm welcome and I agree with you, high five 

you're welcome for the welcome, Mutt... . high five... .     that's an icon we need here!   

[Mutt]

Hey Mutt,

Codependent No More is a book I highly recommend in working through codependency issues.  Her approach is very straightforward, goes to the root, shows how it manifests itself in adulthood.

Peace,

SB

Thank you Seeking Balance, that book looks like a good start.

[Mutt]

you're welcome for the welcome, Mutt... . high five... .     that's an icon we need here!   

I agree an icon would be nice. Here's an image for now 

[ucmeicu2]

I agree an icon would be nice. Here's an image for now   

awwwe, how sweet of you to find that and post it.  thanx.

by the way, how DO you post images here?

[Mutt]

I agree an icon would be nice. Here's an image for now  

awwwe, how sweet of you to find that and post it.  thanx.

by the way, how DO you post images here?

The url of the image above is i.imgur.com/FftIMBas.png

If I follow directions on this site, I get the result below www.bbcode.org/examples/?id=10