Do they all rebound?

[allweareisallweare]

Wow, it seems that they DO all rebound, quickly, as a way of filling a void which they blew out with dynamite of their behavior and illness - sad but true? I was thinking y'day of trying to explain BPD to an outsider and couldn't think of any non-rebounds/replacement scenarios on this board!

[gettingoverit]

Yes it appears that way. From what I can gather, usually a BPD will not leave you unless they have a secure new supply set and ready to go. Usually that ends up being your replacement. My ex BPDgf did the exact same thing with someone whom I thought was a friend. I was sadly mistaken. But I guess it is more telling of what kind of morally degenerate people they are, and less about you. Bpds are desperate... . really really desperate. They will use you until they find something better (by better I mean in their minds better, not in reality). They can rarely be alone, so when they discover that you are about to blow their cover, or you are just plain sick and tired of their crap, they start scoping out the landscape for their next "soulmate". It's nothing personal, for them it's survival.

[fromheeltoheal]

BPD is an attachment disorder; the sufferer MUST attach to someone to feel whole, since they don't have a fully formed self, and when they do attach, they are completing themselves, literally.  This is literally life or death to the sufferer, subconsciously, a replaying of that earliest trauma that created the disorder to begin with.  It can seem malicious and cruel from the outside, but to a borderline it's about survival.

[allweareisallweare]

Yep, got you. If that and that alone was really all there was to BPD, wow, it'd be a really nasty disorder anyway! But as we now it gets deeper than that. They're actually all the same, largely. That is, they seem to have the same traits and I know that would be in keeping and consistent with having a psychiatrically diagnosable disorder, in that certain indicators and behavioral symptoms allude to their troubledness, but you'd just hope ... .   maybe one out of a thousand could just realise their failings and try and act accordingly, or is this like asking too much? In all sense, it seems any relationships they touch turn to crap, Midas in reverse, and it's sad for us, the victims, because all we ever did is try to love and help them. I just think it's bizarre that they always seemingly rebound - wow, that'd be seen as a giveaway if,say, one rel. ends (due to behaviors etc) and *pow* they're in another after a matter of days. They never learn and cannot be helped and we're blessed for getting out.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, got you. If that and that alone was really all there was to BPD, wow, it'd be a really nasty disorder anyway! But as we now it gets deeper than that. They're actually all the same, largely. That is, they seem to have the same traits and I know that would be in keeping and consistent with having a psychiatrically diagnosable disorder, in that certain indicators and behavioral symptoms allude to their troubledness,

Yes, the traits are very similar from sufferer to sufferer because the root cause is the same; the persistent fear of abandonment because they never successfully detached from their primary caregiver.

but you'd just hope ... .   maybe one out of a thousand could just realise their failings and try and act accordingly, or is this like asking too much?

Yes, it's too much to ask.  The disorder is the result of trauma at an age where the personality is still forming, the child is preverbal, and does not yet have the ability to think rationally, so whatever happened gets hardwired into their personality, becomes who they are, unlike belief systems which are like software and can be changed.

Although if a borderline hits bottom, similar to an alcoholic, they can be humbled and seek help, and the prognosis is good if they stick with long term specialized therapy, although what they do is learn new coping tools, not cure the disorder; there is no cure.

In all sense, it seems any relationships they touch turn to crap, Midas in reverse, and it's sad for us, the victims, because all we ever did is try to love and help them. I just think it's bizarre that they always seemingly rebound - wow, that'd be seen as a giveaway if,say, one rel. ends (due to behaviors etc) and *pow* they're in another after a matter of days. They never learn and cannot be helped and we're blessed for getting out.

Although we were volunteers who were victimized.  One of the most important areas of focus moving forward, as we shift our focus from them the us, is why did we stay once any abuse started?  Lots of growth available in the answers to that question.

[CoasterRider]

I've noticed they are "rebounds" but not in the traditional sense of a rebound. A normal rebound is like an emotional cushion to fall into after a breakup. What a borderline is looking for from a rebound is a new attachment. Most normal people seeking a rebound aren't interested in getting attached or getting serious. It's just help to take their mine off of the hurt from the breakup. Once they are over it the rebound relationship usually ends too, as they sober up and see the person they picked when they were willing to take anyone isn't really a good match or other. A borderline never sobers up or thinks logically.  I don't like to call it a rebound because rebounds are short lived. New attachments will last as long as both parties are still willing to do the toxic dance. I was a replacement to my expwBPD (didn't know it at the time) and we danced that dance for an entire year. If I was a normal rebound he would have been done with me a month or two into it, when he was over his ex.

More so it don't think borderlines get over their ex's I think they carry that baggage from relationship to relationship and internalize all that pain. Whereas we experience it , process it, let it run it's course through us and eventually out and on from us.

[isseeu]

While it seems very clear that they do reattach to survive, not all of them rebound into a romantic relationship. Mine appears to have really attached to a buddy (he only has two) and is now working in his auto body shop as some kind of "management consultant."  Mind you, he is a former navy aviator and subsequently, was a captain for a major airline... .  He is there every week day on a normal work schedule-completely different from the medically-retired, unscheduled person he was when I was with him.  I can't even begin to imagine what he offers to them-but I imagine that this will eventually stress that relationship, and that of the buddy's employees, as the BPD pattern plays out in that environment.  In the process of trying to be a good friend, his buddy is likely putting his business and relationships at risk.

The structure is good for him I'm sure.  He didn't cheat on me during our relationship and did not rebound into another romantic relationship.  He may be exploring that now but we haven't spoken for 7 months, so it wouldn't be out of the question.  I don't think he is tho.  I really believe that the loss of me was HUGE in his life... . even tho he tossed me out.  The stress going on with him that led to his one and only rage was related to feeling like a loser, financially-physically-emotionally broken.  Not feeling worthy of me.  He had to work really really hard to find even an insignificant reason why we were "done."  But he found one... .

Fast forward to now-again 7 months of silence.  I had surgery last week, he left a pot of beautiful flowers on my front porch.  I knew they were from him-they had his touch.  I texted a photo saying "this little splash of spring showed up on my front porch."  He texted back simply "Get Well Soon."   The first outreach of kindness, connection.   BTW he knew I was getting surgery because I had shipped a couple of items back to him and let him know.  He texted me a message of concern, wondering what the surgery was for.  Again, everything I've sent him up till now has gone unanswered.  So, I only add this piece of information because I think that it is all a sign that he is starting to feel better.  Not a peep since then... . it may be the last I hear.

They are complicated creatures

[fromheeltoheal]

I've noticed they are "rebounds" but not in the traditional sense of a rebound. A normal rebound is like an emotional cushion to fall into after a breakup. What a borderline is looking for from a rebound is a new attachment. Most normal people seeking a rebound aren't interested in getting attached or getting serious. It's just help to take their mine off of the hurt from the breakup. Once they are over it the rebound relationship usually ends too, as they sober up and see the person they picked when they were willing to take anyone isn't really a good match or other. A borderline never sobers up or thinks logically.  I don't like to call it a rebound because rebounds are short lived. New attachments will last as long as both parties are still willing to do the toxic dance. I was a replacement to my expwBPD (didn't know it at the time) and we danced that dance for an entire year. If I was a normal rebound he would have been done with me a month or two into it, when he was over his ex.

More so it don't think borderlines get over their ex's I think they carry that baggage from relationship to relationship and internalize all that pain. Whereas we experience it , process it, let it run it's course through us and eventually out and on from us.

Good analysis of the difference between a rebound and a replacement Coaster.  I would add that a borderline is convinced you will leave, before you even get together, because everyone leaves, a replaying of the trauma surrounding that earliest attachment.  Breaking up was expected, so the replacement is necessary and just the next step in the flow through system that is the disorder.

[santa]

Everyone, in general, rebounds. It's not specific to borderlines. Many of them probably do it quickly, but that could go for most people. We can't expect them to carry a torch for us forever.

[Perfidy]

Some of them don't rebound quickly. The ones that don't overlap. Myself, I chose healing. If I do enter another relationship the other person will have a healthy partner.

[CoasterRider]

Everyone, in general, rebounds. It's not specific to borderlines. Many of them probably do it quickly, but that could go for most people. We can't expect them to carry a torch for us forever.

People who rebound do so because they 1) can't stand being alone 2) don't want to deal with emotions 3) never really were invested with you to begin with.

I would think normal emotionally healthy people know in order to be truly available for the next person they have to get over the last. Learn what they needed to from the relationship. Otherwise they are doomed to repeat their history.

I would disagree that everyone rebounds. Maybe people emotionally checked out earlier to make the act of breaking less stressful and are ready to move on quicker. I'd still think anything sooner than a couple weeks is a rebound.

[justaboutdone]

[/quote]
Yes, it's too much to ask.  The disorder is the result of trauma at an age where the personality is still forming, the child is preverbal, and does not yet have the ability to think rationally, so whatever happened gets hardwired into their personality, becomes who they are, unlike belief systems which are like software and can be changed.

What kind of trauma?  The trauma experienced from a BPD mother?

[CoasterRider]

Yes, it's too much to ask.  The disorder is the result of trauma at an age where the personality is still forming, the child is preverbal, and does not yet have the ability to think rationally, so whatever happened gets hardwired into their personality, becomes who they are, unlike belief systems which are like software and can be changed.

What kind of trauma?  The trauma experienced from a BPD mother?

Could be it's referred to as the "core wound of abandonment" it something that happens early and age but I personally thing it can happen up till adolescents. When we are young we developed a bond with our primary care givers. Could be a parent grandparent who ever took care of us. That's where we first start learning abut how to be social. When the primary care giver does not give us what it is we needed at that age. It can create a sense of abandonment from the pivotal character in that early development point in our life. When you grow up, this wound is so deeply ingrained they feel like something from their life is missing, something about them they didn't get in the past is missing , they themselves are not whole. So they seek out someone to give them what their primary care giver did not. When they meet this person they idealize them as giving them all the things they missed out on. So they see you as that care giver finally coming to finish the job and make them better. When they realize that never happening (and it can't) or they are triggered they see you as the person who originally abandoned them and react to that original trauma. This is why the reaction is so over the too and ridiculous to whatever the trigger may have really been. It's not about you or anything you actually did. They are reacting to the trauma that originally made them this way.

[arn131arn]

BPD is an attachment disorder; the sufferer MUST attach to someone to feel whole, since they don't have a fully formed self, and when they do attach, they are completing themselves, literally.  This is literally life or death to the sufferer, subconsciously, a replaying of that earliest trauma that created the disorder to begin with.  It can seem malicious and cruel from the outside, but to a borderline it's about survival.

Great post, Heel.

I believe it literally is life or death with them.  My ex tried to recycle me in November.  I was all for it; but she ended it the day before thanksgiving.  She was with my replacement less than a week later.

I noticed that not only is it life or death with her; but how extremely desperate, clingy, and needy she is right now.  She NEEDS this relationship so bad because she knows our small community is talking bad about her, and how she destroyed our family and an 8 year old boy's life.  She NEEDS this relationship to save face, first and foremost.  The other need is that he has the finances to support her, save her, take care of her.  That is what she always wanted, always needed, was to be a housewife and have more babies.  

Here is the funny thing, though.  When she was with me, she had a mask that she was a doting, overprotective mother.  That was what she showed the world.  That, and the helpless waif who is constantly abused.

What she is doing now:

1.) She missed x mas morning opening up presents from santa clause with our son bc she slept at his house.

2.) Sleeps at his house 4-5 nights a week, and neglects our son and pawns him off to her BPD mother.  

3.) Doesn't allow me to see my son

4.) Threw a newspaper in the front lawn of my replacement with vulgar writing on it to gain sympathy from him and blamed it on me.

5.) I'm sure she is mirroring him really hard.  Her car used to be was like our home.  Junk everywhere with stuff she could never get rid of.  Now it is shiny and tidy I'm sure.

6.) She was with him and slept at his house the night of my son's birthday.

7.) She has been a nurse now for 4 months, and still has no place to call her own.  Living and staying with family, but most of the time with replacement.

8.) She filed a false restraining order on me, again, needing more sympathy from her knight in shining armor.

9.) She has sold our son down the river for a dollar.  Whored herself out would be more like the truth.

10.) She has left ALL of her belongings at my house and it's been that way for the last 6 months

Any thoughts?

Arn

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it's too much to ask.  The disorder is the result of trauma at an age where the personality is still forming, the child is preverbal, and does not yet have the ability to think rationally, so whatever happened gets hardwired into their personality, becomes who they are, unlike belief systems which are like software and can be changed.

What kind of trauma?  The trauma experienced from a BPD mother?

The mother could be BPD, and lately there's been more of a link to genetics, but not necessarily.

Before we are born and shortly thereafter, we do not differentiate between us and our mother, we see ourselves and them as one 'person'.  At some point it becomes clear that mother is something "other" and separate from us, we feel abandoned, we go through the trauma of that perceived abandonment, and the subsequent depression, and emerge on the other side as a "self', and autonomous individual.  That process is critical in becoming an individual and forming a self, and most of us do it just fine.

A borderline never goes through that, it is too terrifying and/or the conditions they're in don't allow for it, the whole experience gets hardwired into their personality, and sets up a lifelong pattern of trying to get back to that place where they were 'one', which drives the need to attach to someone, and also the persistent fear of abandonment.  When a borderline attaches to someone, fuses to them, they are forming one person with no boundary, becoming 'whole', adding that other person to create a 'self', since they don't have a fully formed one of their own.

All of that happens subconsciously, they don't know the dynamics behind it, and it's literally hardwired into their personality, it's who they are, as opposed to belief systems which are like software and can be changed.  That's the core of what's going on, and add that the trauma they're stuck in arrests their emotional development, so they are stuck at a young age emotionally.  So imagine a young kid who is convinced you will leave, and they need you to stay for them to survive: what kind of emotional state is that kid going to be in?  And then add all of the tools they've learned over the years to conceal what they're really going through so they can function in the world and to try and keep people from leaving them, and you get an idea of what we were in relationships with.

[lipstick]

Rebound... . hmmmm. Mine "rebounded" back to his spouse. Was supposed to get divorced. I did. He didn't. exBPDbf and I were living together. He lost his job on a Wednesday... . didn't tell me... . moved out while I was at work on the following Tuesday (2 days before my birthday), and went running back to the "little woman". Who is 12 years his senior, also BPD, violent and alcoholic. Has broken his nose, rammed his vehicle with hers, had them banned from local restaurants, and been arrested for domestic violence. Yet they've been together over 26 years. Marital bliss, eh? Life with me was peaceful and loving - guess he couldn't handle that. I don't know.

That was - and continues to be - his "rebound".  He tried to friend me on Facebook this past December after over a year of Silent Treatment. I ignored it and was subsequently blocked. She can have him. Although I have a strange feeling he'll be back. Meh.  

[Happy1]

Not all do. I've had three disordered women. One who is for sure an uBPD, the others are still up for debate. However, out of those three, two recycled. The uBPD, tons, more times than I can count. I had one who is more likely histrionic (HPD) and she recycled several times, but mostly just for sex and things with her were less intense or dramatic. I'd say somewhat different than the clear uBPD. The third one, is likely uBPD, but I didn't know her really very long (4-6 weeks). The relationship was rather short and she recycled another old boyfriend during it so, I was really simply used as a rebound play thing (object). She had definite mental issues too (disassociation spells, clear breaks with reality, imagined danger, anger issues) she, she simply painted me black. Within a week we went from mad cap lovemaking to her literally treating me as if I was dipped in sh!t. She hated my guts and said that I discussed her (a clear projection). She was more a BPD waif type. All I ever did was really love her and be nice to her. She never came back and wouldn't have ever thought of returning. Plus, by then, I'd been three rounds with crazy women (this trio) so, I was equally just as finished with her, too. As for the first one, she'd definitely try to recycle me to this day if I'd let her. HPD girls is out having more sex with more men, but never settling down for more than 3-6 months. I'd say recycling for her would be again, just for sex and the feeling she was in a relationship (err something). HPD is a bit different, as I said before.

[Murbay]

Yes, the traits are very similar from sufferer to sufferer because the root cause is the same; the persistent fear of abandonment because they never successfully detached from their primary caregiver.

This is very true of exBPDw though a little more sinister than that, primary caregiver will not allow her to detach. I entered into a marriage with a child in an adults body, still living at home, never been on her own but believes living with her parents is being independent, no intentions of ever leaving her parents house. I didn't become a husband when I married her, I actually became another child in the family, even down to being treated like a child too. It was a family of dysfunction. Very high functioning NPD mother.

As for rebound. At the very end she would drop hints about rebounds, painted her exes white again, and it was obvious she was lining something up with a colleague at work and just waiting until I was gone.

exBPDgf, kicked out of the house and on her own at 16. Controlling father and waif mother. Has a relationship with her parents but still holds a lot of resentment towards them because a) mother failed to protect her and b) Father abandoned her. She has been running ever since, did have 2 long term relationships but first one she abandoned him when he got diagnosed with a brain tumour (abandonment?) and the second he was violent and abusive. She told me she cried on her wedding day because she didn't want to go through with it and had been trying to get away long before that. She would often rage at me for communicating with my daughters mother, convinced something was going on between us. Raged at me because a comment I put on a girls wall on FB was a sexual innuendo, was nothing of the sort and the girl in question was my cousin. Raged because she was convinced I was only with her until I found someone better. Now I know that all of that were projections. She was the one looking for someone else, she was the one with sexual innuendos on other mens posts and she was the one who was angry that her ex wouldn't take her back.

Found out last week that I was a rebound, despite her saying she had been single for 5 years. Told me a few weeks ago that she was struggling over death of a friend, just needed a little time on her own right now and asked if we could be friends for now. Said that she was going away in a few weeks on her own to clear her head and asked me not to hate her. I told her I didn't hate her and less than a week later she was in to her next relationship.

[Perfidy]

If it was such a crappy relationship, wouldn't a "normal" or, healthy person revel in freedom and enjoy being single rather than bounce right into another relationship? Or overlap relationships. Seriously, I'm just getting to the part where I'm actually enjoying my freedom. I believe I'd be hard pressed to give it up.

[fromheeltoheal]

If it was such a crappy relationship, wouldn't a "normal" or, healthy person revel in freedom and enjoy being single rather than bounce right into another relationship? Or overlap relationships. Seriously, I'm just getting to the part where I'm actually enjoying my freedom. I believe I'd be hard pressed to give it up.

Yes, and finding our freedom is part of finding ourselves again. And a component of a healthy relationship is we are free to be ourselves, and actually feel more free.  Done our time in hell, time to settle into living fully and well.

[Perfidy]

Hey! That rhymes

[Pinoypride18]

Yes i think they all rebound. My uBPDexgf dumped me a few months ago but got with my replacement  less than 2 weeks after the breakup. She tells everyone they met after the breakup, but i know that is a lie. She met him months ago and even urged me to meet and befriend this guy. She has obviously talked to him enough while we were dating to know his whole life story. So i know she has had him around just in case.

She says they love each other, but they have barely been exclusive for that long. She says that he waited for her to be ready before they do it, but she apparently got with him in a classroom. Yeah it seems like he could barely even wait to leave the room to get with her. She says he is no rebound and that she loves him but 2 weeks after a breakup is literally the definition of a rebound.

Honestly these people don't think logically. And they are too desperate and needy. They have no limits or anything they won't do. It is all about them and their survival.

[starshine]

My uexbf of 5 years was in another relationship, with a woman I considered a friend of 14 yrs, after 4 days.  4 days.  They were in love.  Whatever.  

[MrFox]

Took my exBPDgf an entire week to move in with a "friend".  While we were together she was living alone in an apartment, suddenly she couldn't afford it anymore.  Or, maybe it was the fact that he was willing to let her live rent free.  After 5 weeks of NC on my end, texts and emails on her end, I finally emailed her to tell her I was done and gone for good.  Two days after that they were engaged.  Married a little over two months later. 

[arn131arn]

My uexbf of 5 years was in another relationship, with a woman I considered a friend of 14 yrs, after 4 days.  4 days.  They were in love.  Whatever.  

If it makes you feel any better, my son's mother that I was with for 14 years, broke up with me the day before thanksgiving and was having sex with my replacement on Dec 10th

[HostNoMore]

To add my 2 cents to the dog pile, I was dumped pretty sadistically.  Then two weeks later, she calls me telling me that she is in a relationship and how happy she was.

I guess that would be smoking gun proof that all of the times she told that me she loved me were false.  It's just not normal to move on that quickly.  Well, unless you're BPD then you are an expert by nature.

I now have 2.5 years of retrospect, and she was working my replacement well before I knew it.  If fact, I believe that I was part of her Triangulations to bring this guy into her world of madness. 

I've dropped off the map as far as she is concerned, and I have no clue if they are still together.  It matters not though, as whoever she is with would be taking the brunt of her BPD.  I'm just happy it's not me.

[Pinoypride18]

To add my 2 cents to the dog pile, I was dumped pretty sadistically.  Then two weeks later, she calls me telling me that she is in a relationship and how happy she was.

I guess that would be smoking gun proof that all of the times she told that me she loved me were false.  It's just not normal to move on that quickly.  Well, unless you're BPD then you are an expert by nature.

I now have 2.5 years of retrospect, and she was working my replacement well before I knew it.  If fact, I believe that I was part of her Triangulations to bring this guy into her world of madness. 

I've dropped off the map as far as she is concerned, and I have no clue if they are still together.  It matters not though, as whoever she is with would be taking the brunt of her BPD.  I'm just happy it's not me.

HostNoMore this is literally my story except i have 3.5 years of retrospect. Also mine didn't call me after 2 weeks she just messaged my roommate in hopes that he would tell me which he did. It is still surprising how similar people's stories are. Which means how similar the BPD are and goes back to the original question in that yes i think most have rebounds.

It is weird how they say they love us so much yet right when the relationship is over they jump to someone else as if that love literally didn't mean anything to them. Which i think it does, love has a different meaning to them.

I think they jump from relationship to relationship to find any kind of love, but really it is their inner need to be needed by ANYONE. They are so desperate that they sleep with anyone and since they have no boundaries they do it as quickly as possible.

But as you said i to am also glad to be not part of her crazy. Yes i miss the sex, but not enough to go through that again. I just hope devaluing stage starts soon.

[HostNoMore]

Yes Pinoypride18, our stories are all eerily similar.  That fact really helped me in the early stages of my recovery.

The real kicker to my final dump story is that at 7:00AM on Thursday she was telling me how much she loved me and making plans for the weekend with me as we normally did.  At 7:00PM that night she was very abrupt with me on the phone.  My next call to her was on Friday evening where she told me she "loved me" after a way brief conversation.  I could tell something was going on with her.  The very next day I as kicked to the curb. It just amazes me how they vacillate between states w/o any rhyme or reason.

I believe that she locked my replacement in 2 days before dumping me.  She also flat out told me that she was just using me which I do believe to be true.  I believe she was just using me as one point on her drama triangle to snare her replacement.  You know fire up that good old masculine competition for her benefit.

Never again is all I can say. 

I even got a chance to use my improved boundary skills in my business as I had people pressuring me to take on some work that is too large in scale for a business of my size.  They weren't happy with me either as I am known to be very good at what I do, but it would have lead to failures in all of the projects that I'm involved with right now including that one.  This place could have used me, and I could have helped them, but the timing was very poor for both me in my current workload and them too.  I had to say no.  I used to never say no.

[haliewa1]

Saw a video of my exBPDgf where she was walking around the room at a friends birthday party.  She has always had to be the center of attention and would draw the attention to her through her behavior or the way she acted and dressed.  The best part was the looks on the faces of the other women when she would walk by.  If looks could kill she would be DOA today!  The BPD has to have the attention no matter what the cost.  I can't think of a bigger waste of time.  She's in her late 40's and time isn't on her side to get what she's hoping for!  Too bad.

[Pinoypride18]

haliewa1, it amazes me how much BPD need to be in the spot light always. I cringe at the stuff she said just to get attention, always wearing revealing clothes not for me but other people, controlling the conversation so they talk about only what she wants to talk about. They really have no boundaries. And i don't get how they don't see how their behaviour is what is causing people to treat her that way. And how rebounding like they do is not normal and looks very desperate and needy.