Silent treatment after breaking up and no closure or goodbye

[fromheeltoheal]

cowl022, I think what keeps me up at night is how PERFECT we flowed together... It seemed so right, and I'm afraid sometimes I will never love so intensely.

I'm doing a little better now than before, and I realize how MEAN and childlike he is because even after all this time, I haven't heard from him... . but when we were doing well, there was something there that felt so right.  I'm sure you and everyone understands, it seemed so PERFECT, like that person was made for you.  What I'm finding lately is every new potential person I meet seems pale in comparison... . the chemistry just isn't there, which is why I'm scared I might not ever feel that way again   :'(

I don't know your whole story espy, but how long did that perfect last?  For me it was about 3 months.

[Espy]

Our perfect lasted six months- he was even talking marriage, but then he started to pull away, and when I started to complain, he would shut down.  I could tell towards the end he was having splitting issues, although at the time I didn't know what that was. 

[Dog biscuit]

He Espy,

The amazing and strong chemistry that was there may be an indication for trouble. I felt an amazing chemistry with my ex, but in hindsight I think for me that may just be the red flag I have to watch out for.

If I would ever feel this kind of crazy making chemistry with anybody else again I will run away as fast as I can. To me it means that something deep inside of me clicks with the crazyness of that person, and i dont ever want that again. I will gladly settle for less chemistry and more intimacy.

[fromheeltoheal]

If I would ever feel this kind of crazy making chemistry with anybody else again I will run away as fast as I can. To me it means that something deep inside of me clicks with the crazyness of that person, and i dont ever want that again. I will gladly settle for less chemistry and more intimacy.

And digging to see what that something is, is fertile ground for growth, and the wisdom gleaned from it can be the ultimate gift of the relationship.  How can we use what happened in these relationships?

[day2day]

Espy, you are going to get through this. Hard as it is.

Resolve not to contact your ex. There's nothing you can say that he hasn't already heard, and there's nothing he can say that you can truly believe.

Closure? From a perpetual liar? From a chameleon? How could you ever be sure whatever you finally received was anything but BS?

There's nothing wrong with their hearing. They hear just fine. What they hear is just one more thing that's too overwhelming to deal with.

Try to think, longer and harder than ever before, about what it must be like to be a person whose inner world is so terrifying that virtually 100% of their focus is trained on filling the bottomless hole in their soul and attaining some degree of control over the unrelenting turmoil. Your feelings... . EVERYONE"S feelings... . are incidental to him. Get through to him? You may as well send packets of sugar to a diabetic with the hope that one day he will miraculously be able to metabolize it.

Some things you might consider doing instead:

Volunteer. Give to someone who may just appreciate it.

Go to an animal shelter. Foster or adopt a pet.

Read voraciously about BPD.

Reconnect with friends of both genders. You might be amazed how far you drifted from so many when you were "enmeshed" in your r/s.

Get in your car or train or plane and visit out-of-town relatives. Realize that aunts and uncles, for example, are not getting any younger. These people are your blood. Go see them.

Find a good therapist.

Avoid drowning your sorrows in booze or non-prescribed drugs.

Find at least one regular activity that will allow for physical/emotional release. Walk. Pump iron. Dig a garden. Do yoga. Join a choir.

Rediscover old hobbies and interests. Maybe spend a couple bucks on yourself to rekindle your passion for something along those lines. You deserve it.

Write. Keep a journal. Compose letters you never send.

Tuck safely away all traces of your ex, such as photos, gifts, cards, letters, etc.

Demystify your ex by conjuring up all kinds of ridiculous scenarios in which their shortcomings fail them. Imagine your ex taking a lie detector test, for example, and watch the readings go off the chart. Imagine them passing gas in church. Give them silly nicknames that you keep to yourself. Whatever works!

Eat healthy and get a regular good night's sleep.

Be proud of the efforts you made in your r/s. There's no one in the world who could have done any better. The next victim will also come to learn this. And the next and the next.

Be patient regarding a fulfilling relationship. It's probably a good thing you can't feel connected to new people at this point. With the craziness you've just had to deal with, your best protection against another huge problem is your ambivalence.

I wish you the best. You are not alone!

[barbwire911]

hey Epsy

The thread reached a 4 page limit so I wanted to reply so I will start a new thread here. The no closure is rough. My 9 month relationship with my exBPD boyfriend sounds very much like your story. Fairytale romance, plans for the future, etc. He was so expressive with the love feelings so fast and then suddenly withdrew. This happened back and forth constantly for a few times and then finally after so much mental abuse 2 weeks ago I told him we need space and he needs to get better. His paranoia and delusions were out of control and I was taking so much time off work to spend at home crying. I needed to get myself in order. Needless to say, although I have spoken to him since briefly, we are not supposed to as the health dept at our work submitted a harrassment complaint against him to our management as he was constantly verbally abusing me on work property.

So he is really out to get me now not only with a smear campaign but the previous attempts I had called him to try to talk sense into him made me look like an idiot and the psycho one as, like u, I called him about 6 times. He called me twice (this is over a 3 day period) but I ended up calling him back more as he would hang up. Only when he called was he nice and would he seem normal and listen and talk normally... . but I think he was also trying to get me to drop this claim against him but given it was not me that submitted it (despite he thinks I am lying) I cannot.  Anyways then the next day he reverts and is angry.  So NC now at all.  But all the times he would hang up on me and not talk to me, even in the past was all for punishment. That is what silent treatment does. It is a child's way of punishing and it also makes them feel in control because really in life, they feel so OUT of control, that by doing this, they feel they have the upper hand in this. It is really a bunch of mind games and I think these pwBPD likely do not have the mentality of more than  a toddler. Mine would even cry and go into a fetal position and curl up on me so I felt like a mother when he was upset.

But know Silent treatment is all a game and about control and power. These BPD people feel they have none in their own lives so seek it elsewhere, hence why they are so erratic and insecure in all relationship s and so unpredicTable and bizarre.  So he is completely aware what he is doing to you. I bet at some point he reaches out to you but only when he really feels you have no more interest in him. But this is the push/pull game and once you give in and show care and concern for him (as any normal person does) he will pull away again. But given you told him it was over, the silent treatment is his way of punishing you so your mind keeps dwelling on him (or so he hopes) and you keep wondering what is going on.  Watch... . if he does not move on to someone new he will be back. And he may be back anyways once she dumps him. Some of them like to keep a harem so when one goes they have others to revert back to. Mine does that.  It is odd.  harems are more part of those pwNPD though but BPD like them too as they feel good about themselves then and it fills their neediness.

[barbwire911]

Oh and ESPY, our first bad breakup , my xBPD texted me he loved me and swear to God, the next line was that he felt he needed to break up with me as our relationship was too intense (yet he was the one that so early and constantly professed his undying love) and he someone came to believe (without any facts) and stated he "just knew" that I wanted to marry him all of a sudden and he could not give me that. Bizarre. He kept coming and going after that with other excuses (I need to get mentally well, as well as a whole host of other rationales... . ).  Never made any sense. Blowing hot and cold is what it was.

[GreenMango]

The thread has reached a 4 page limit.  Feel free to start another on your road to healing from the relationship.