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Author Topic: Told me she wanted me in her life - #1  (Read 6643 times)
GreenMango
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« Reply #60 on: March 24, 2014, 08:45:56 AM »

Willy

I'm really sorry to hear this has brought back all those bad feelings. 

When you posted the original call and her asking for you in her life I know I thought she meant as a possible romantic thing.  I believe many of us who read thought that.

here's the other side of how this played out... . you mentioned when you guys talked she admitted to knowing how much this contact could hurt  but she proceeded to put her needs as priority without consideration for your well being.

either way you cut this she is still doing that.  Whether she wanted a momentary romance and reassurance or whether she wanted a friendship.  It sounds pretty selfish to me and it's very important to protect yourself from boundary busters. 

This whole no win situation and the mind scramble ... . is this how the relationship was too?  If it was then you have a huge lesson here.  She's let you know that this is how things are with her... . It's confirmation.

How can you get back on the detachment/healing train?

I
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Skip
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« Reply #61 on: March 24, 2014, 09:31:27 AM »

Does it seem like any of this makes sense to anyone?

Maybe.

Her: As I look back at your posts, she was pretty upfront and consistent about wanting establish a friendship - moving past no contact.

What are "friends" in this context?  Birthday and holiday emails, updates on family matters, congratulations on a promotion, pictures from a trip?

What is she telling you?  She likes you.  She doesn't see you as all bad - that there are many things about you that she misses - may not have in her current relationship.  Could it be that she doesn't want there to be hard feelings - she wants to mend the wounds of the breakup.

You: You miss the relationship/her, though there still might be some life left, and it was a great disappointment to learn that she has put the relationship behind her and is moving forward.

It's OK for that to hurt.  It's not the end of the world that the phone call to got awkward.


Maybe the thing to do is to make yourself feel better is to send her a short email and apologize for overreacting a bit, say you are still working through the breakup but you'll get there, and being amicable and friendly exs is a good idea.  Say something nice about her and close.  Keep it short.

Or say the same, and say "being amicable and friendly exs is NOT a good idea"

Then maybe step away for now.  Let the idea settle in that the relationship is truly over.

One question - you know her better than anyone - when you look literally at the words - was she misleading you or were you misreading her or both?  It'll help to know.

Hang in there.  Ending a realtionship with someone you care about is hard.



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LettingGo14
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« Reply #62 on: March 24, 2014, 09:32:03 AM »

Willy -- Thank you for posting.  I am sorry you are dealing with this now; but, if you allow yourself to grieve, and you re-engage the process of detaching and self-inquiry, this moment may be your ticket to freedom.

Your honesty and raw emotion really speaks to me, because you've articulated things I've felt in the past, and reading about your experience helps me re-frame and re-think my own experience.  Specifically:

I remember leaving the house because I couldn't take it. And I remember her calling me right after to tell me I had to think about what my part in the argument was.

There were so many times --- so, so, so many times -- that I "couldn't take it" anymore.   Listening to false accusations.  Being gas-lighted.  Having facts twisted.   Being blamed.  Being sucked into an emotional black hole.  Over and over and over and over.

But, Willy, here's what I'm starting to learn.   If I had had a better sense of solid self -- a "differentiated" self -- I would not have "reacted" by shutting down, or running away.   I might have stood up, told her that I was unable to soothe her, and walked away.  

There were times I felt like she wanted to rip me open and find the control panel.   If, at the time, I had a better sense of myself, I would have locked the door, breathed a sigh of relief, and moved on.

In my view now, "differentiation" is the key.  And, I am working to define my solid self.  (You can google "Murray Bowen" and "differentiation" if you want to know more).

So, the struggle about what I brought to the relationship is a tough one for me.

I think what is interesting and worth exploring is why I stayed. Why I still care. Why I still hope.

I have been hung up in these questions too.   Others have recommended reading the list of 10 things that keep us stuck.  It's a good list, and worth reflecting on, over and over.

I had to start by forgiving myself, Willy.  I had to forgive myself for the role I played.   I still sit with hurt and anger and fear.   But, as others have said, we need to sit with these feelings and learn to self-soothe.  The five stages of detachment help here.

Why I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that this person doesn't really care for me but rather wants to hurt me and continue to hurt me so that she can have me around for whatever reason (probably her deep fear of abandonment). These are the things that I brought to the table. This is apparently what I still bring to the table. And this is the thing that is hurting me. And scaring the daylights out of me. I could loose everything in life with just a tiny slip like answering a phone call.

Take back your power, Willy.   You could even go as far as changing your phone number.  

Thank you again for posting here, and for sharing.  I can't thank you enough.   This is an amazing community of people.
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willy45
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« Reply #63 on: March 24, 2014, 09:46:30 AM »

Thanks Green Mango.

I thought too that it was a romantic thing. What else could it have been? When I asked her why she said all those things to me, she just said she was being nice. I guess these kinds of words don't mean anything to her.

And yes. More confirmation that she is not capable of listening to me or caring about me above her own needs. She said that all she could offer to me was her friendship. I wasn't even asking for it! I didn't seek her out to reconnect. I have been ignoring her for a year. I told her that friendship was hurtful to me, devastating to my life, and it just didn't matter.

And yes. The whole no win situation and mind scramble... . That is basically what defined our relationship. This was what happened all the time. She would yell at me and rage at me (sometimes over stuff that mattered, mostly not) and then it would be mind scramble for days for me trying to figure it out. And if I ever tried to get across my feelings, they were promptly ignored or I would get the 'why can't you just be nice to me' or 'don't be mean to me'. This is exactly how the conversation ended yesterday. She left me with 'I just ask that you don't be mean to me'.

How can I get back on the detachment/healing train? Ug. I guess use this as more confirmation that she is not OK and that I made the right choice in leaving her. I guess that is something I still struggle with. Probably because of the brain scrambling. I need to keep learning that I matter. I need to keep learning that my perceptions are valid. That this is not OK. It never has been OK and it never will be OK. So, there is nothing I can do about it. There was never anything I could have done about it.

Why would she say these things to me? I guess to draw me back in. But why? I guess I will never know. Maybe I should just accept that she has BPD even though she hasn't been diagnosed (she was diagnosed with bi-polar at some point and I know she spent time in a mental health institution for bulimia/anorexia, although when and why and for how long are really fuzzy).

The thing that I fear the most right now is the constant contact. It is so random. I have literally not replied to anything for a year. She keeps at it. I guess I need to just accept that it might never stop. And that is a terrifying prospect to me. I have literally done everything to try to get her to stop. Seriously burned the bridge over and over and over again. I have tried NC but obviously fail. Ag. Should I call the cops? Get a restraining order? Threaten a restraining order? Tell her friends to tell her to stop contacting me? I'm worried all those things will just add fuel to the fire. The best I can do is to learn to just ignore and that there will never, ever be anything different. Accept that this is the truth. Accept that it isn't my fault. Accept that there is nothing I could have done about. And accept that there is nothing I can do about it. Accept that I made the right decision to leave and this is just another example in my long list of examples of cruel behavior.
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willy45
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« Reply #64 on: March 24, 2014, 09:59:45 AM »

Hi Skip,

Thanks for the post. And yes. You are right. I misunderstood. Maybe I am the freak here. Maybe she has just moved on and her talking to me doesn't carry the same emotional weight. Maybe I am the crazy one here. She was really clear, I guess. Maybe I was just reading into what she said and what she says, hoping for something different.

The really crazy part is that I don't want her back. I want the fantasy of her back which never, ever existed and doesn't currently exist.

What I want is for her to go away. And never contact me. That is truly what I wanted before she called and what I want now. I told her what this does to me whenever she contacts me. I told her on that original phone call. I guess I thought that she heard that and was persisting because she wanted something else. In my mind, what else could it have been? I guess I still can't understand why she would want to be friends with me. And honestly, I don't trust that is the only thing she wants. And I don't think that is wishful thinking on my part hoping for another result. Maybe it is. I can't tell. I think deep down she just wants me in her grasp so that she has a fall back. It's one thing to be 'friends' who contact each other every now and again to say what's up. It is another thing to say that she misses her best friend, how she will never find anyone who understands her like I do, how I am her soulmate and on and on and on.

I don't know. Maybe I am the freak here. Maybe I do deserve all this.
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« Reply #65 on: March 24, 2014, 02:55:31 PM »

Excerpt
I just don't understand how the conversation went in that direction.

Maybe you were manipulated into this? She somehow leading the conversation in that direction? It's sounds like she is pretty well articulated and intelligent... .

Like all the other here I am sorry that you had to have this experience. But if it's any consolation this thread was highly useful to me and probably a lot of other too.

You see, I am 10 months post breakup (she broke up and had replacement lined up). And only 3 months NC, initiated by me, with the reason that contact hurts me and that she never contact me again. (Sounds familiar I guess).

I secretly hope though, that she would call me up saying that "she misses me", "that she thinks of me 24/7", "that I am the only one that understands her" etc.

Now I am not sure I hope so, that much anymore... .
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willy45
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« Reply #66 on: March 24, 2014, 03:35:15 PM »

Ha ha GuiltHaunted.

You don't want that. You really, really, really don't. There isn't any new information there. At all. Just more craziness.

And yes. I feel manipulated. I feel used. I feel tramped upon. I feel disrespected. I feel hurt. She is articulate. She is incredibly smart. She knows what she was doing. She didn't call me and say: "Hey! I know you asked me not to call you, and I know that before you said that it hurt. I was wanting to be friends and wondering if you might be able to do that. Up to you. No pressure at all". That would seem to me to be a way to go about it. That's not what it was. It was the idealization phase all over again. How great I am, how amazing I am, how much she misses me, how there is a hole in her life and her heart. I told her that I miss her with all my being and she told me that she feels exactly the same way. She told me she thought about me every day for 3 months, all day long, without being able to get me out of her head. Does this sound like someone who wants to be 'friends'? Yes. She did say she just wants to be friends. And yes. She did say she wanted to work on our friendship. But I had no idea what she meant. No idea. And just the same guilt and emotional manipulations as usual.

That's what you get. I hope for you you don't get what you wished for. I feel like a year and half of hard, hard work is now down the drain.
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Skip
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« Reply #67 on: March 24, 2014, 03:39:45 PM »

... . how there is a hole in her life and her heart. I told her that I miss her with all my being and she told me that she feels exactly the same way. She told me she thought about me every day for 3 months, all day long, without being able to get me out of her head. Does this sound like someone who wants to be 'friends'?

No.  That is coming on really strong.
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Dog biscuit
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« Reply #68 on: March 24, 2014, 03:53:58 PM »

What is she telling you?  She likes you.  She doesn't see you as all bad - that there are many things about you that she misses - may not have in her current relationship.  Could it be that she doesn't want there to be hard feelings - she wants to mend the wounds of the breakup.

This could be the case, but after a r/s and a difficult break up, you dont just call your ex telling them that you miss them so much, and that they were so special to you, and that you want them in your life, without making your intentions clear.

If she would like him, she wouldnt put him trough this pain without saying something like"Oh I am sorry that you misinterpreted/misunderstood my message, sorry that you feel hurt' or something along the line. That is what you do when someone is important to you. The last thing you want to do is to make them feel hurt.

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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #69 on: March 24, 2014, 04:22:54 PM »

As LettingGo14 mentioned, you might consider changing your phone number as well as your email address to avoid her giving you long term grief with the unwanted calls and (mind games?), if you decide that it's time to move on.   
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barbwire911
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« Reply #70 on: March 24, 2014, 05:40:26 PM »

I don't understand how the conversation went from me saying I couldn't be 'friends with her' because of how it made me feel to a discussion of why we can't be together, my professing my undying love for her, her berating me for having left her, and her 'offering' her friendship to me. I don't get it. That is totally not how I was imagining the conversation going at all. I wasn't wanting to get back together with her. The thought of it made me sick. I just don't understand how the conversation went in that direction. She came out like the sane one. I came out like the one with BPD. That is how I feel now. Maybe I am the crazy one. I can't sleep. I can't think. She's off with some other guy and acting like this is totally normal. I don't get it. Does this other guy know she's talking to me? Does this other guy know that she tells me I am her soul mate and always will be? I don't get it.

The worst thing is is that after she told me she was seeing someone (I asked), I tried to explain how her calling made me feel, that it brought me back to a place where I missed her tremendously and felt bad about myself for having broken up with her. Her response was that I shouldn't beat myself up about it and that we should establish a friendship. She said 'even if I was available', I don't think I would want to be with you. Then, I asked her why should say all this stuff to me. I think that question shocked her. She said, Oh, I was just being nice and wanted to say nice things to you but I don't want to talk about the past. Well, What the heck. Isn't her saying 'I will never find someone who understands me like you do' talking about the past? What else would she be referring to?

I am so devastated. At the end of conversation, I told her I would try to be friends with her but that it would be really hard. That it hasn't worked in the past. That it brought up too much stuff and it made me not able to move forward in my life or have good relationships with other people. Her response: Don't be mean to me. It was like a flashback to our relationship. She would say that to me constantly. 'Just don't be mean to me'. All the time.

Is it just me? Am I totally nuts? What is wrong with me?

@Willy45 and Narellan:  Will45, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not going crazy. Recall that those with BPD are soo good at twisting things around so that they come out looking as the winner and good person as they cannot face the shame they feel inside about themselves and their lives.  Of course she has to twist it to make you feel bad and confused as that is the only way she knows how to make herself feel better. I am not saying she is a bad person but remember that you are dealing with the mentality of a toddler here.  My ex used to do the same. He was really afraid to define our relationship and put labels on it (ie. dating, etc) as he felt it made us move too fast so it was his way of trying to control the relationship.  So even though we were intimate and would have dinners together and he would tell me he had feelings for me at midnight one night and liked me and I was made for him, etc. yet the next morning, not 7 hours later, I would ask him if he wanted to try our relationship again and officially "date" and he would say no he did not want a relationship with me as we were too volatile.

Yet the only volatility in our relationship was when he would freak out as he got too close too fast and run away for a few days with me trying to soothe him and calm him down as he cried and had anxiety, etc.   Now I learn he was also lining my replacement up.  Now that is from his ex-wife who despises me and claims he just used me too so not sure who to believe in that one. So I would explain to him the volatility aspect came from me not understanding this push/pull thing and then he would get defensive saying I made him do that. So we would then argue about that and then I would say 'I do not want a relationship with you after all as this is too much." Then he would say "see why I cannot be with you? You say you want me one minute and then the next minute, just because I state to you that you make me volatile, you do not want me anymore... . "

And I always left the conversations so confused as you are. That is why NC and even friendship cannot happen as you just go in circles with these people.  Yet then when another guy asked me on a date and I told my ex, he got all snarky about it (even after telling me to go date others) and then cancelled our plans for the following night saying he just did not want to see me anymore. So see where I was also confused? Double messages and I felt like you... . I left the conversations feeling nuts.  It is just the BPD way and you have to start now NC again but you will climb up to the good point you were in a week or so... . it is tough though.  I still miss my ex but 7 days NC now. It is tough but worth it as the amount of crazy making I went through was insane and if you keep in touch with her, she will just be her same old self again.

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willy45
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« Reply #71 on: March 24, 2014, 05:46:53 PM »

Yeah. The message that I got loud and clear to how this hurt me was: I understand. That was it. I understand. But I don't care. You are my best friend in the whole world and I want my best friend back. She doesn't care about me.
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DiamondSW
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« Reply #72 on: March 24, 2014, 06:37:56 PM »

willy,

The 2nd to last message my exBPDgf texted me last September was a passage from the bible... corinthians... . "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not hold grudges... and so on"... .   The last message was "Remember your are precious and special"... .

This followed 6 weeks from hell... . she lined some other guy up and basically made my life and how I felt about myself utter hell.  I truly, truly hated myself based upon how she made me feel, especially gaslighting, silent treatment and scaring the life out of me with her impulsiveness... .  

At the end of the day, I realised 3 things:

1)  For her it was a game.  A game of how she could snag a rich man and be provided for forever (in her eyes).

2)  I didn't matter as a person.  I could have been anyone, but I am special and I ticked a lot of boxes that other men don't.

3) WORDS ARE CHEAP.  Her words were how she regulated her feelings and made herself feel better after knowingly wrecking my life.  She could DO words, but NOT ACTIONS.

If you listen to her words, I'm afraid it will destroy you.  She's just a child.  I've been in some dark, dark places, and 6mths NC later I'm getting better and have even possibly met someone lovely.  BUT I NEEDED THAT TIME DESPERATELY away from her.  The time I spent in hospital showed me that. 

Please get away.  I wake up now and I have a text waiting from me from a kind girl who wants to play pool in the eveing and have a coffee.  6 mths ago I woke up and genuinely feared what nightmare would come my way that day -what little irrational joy involving my ex, her mother, visa problems, job problems, money problems, 'me' problems... . the chaos never stopped. 

I'll tell you something else:  I 'remembered' my exGF as physically gorgeous, a model type.  Yeah she's pretty, but I 'bigged her up' so much in my head that no other woman could compete.  Yesterday I spent the evening with a really lovely girl in a bar in North London and I looked over at her and realised that she too had a really pretty face and was attractive.  I'd put so much energy into feeling that i'd never meet anyone else, never have the gorgeous girl again on my arm, and then without realising it, I've found a really cute, sexy and HEALTHY woman to spend my time with... . and it's fun. 

You MUST cut contact with your ex.  For you.  I know it's rubbish and it feels like you might even be letting her down, but otherwise you're stuck.  I saw my BPDexgf a week or 2 back and she wasn't this goddess I remembered.  She's just this normal 'sick' girl who lives in a room on her own, doesn't work, does charity stuff because her T tells her to, and is bossed about by a hideous mother... .   She's not my 'dream' anymore... . and she's NOT IN MY DREAMS ANY MORE.

You ex doesn't want you in her life.  She wants to hurt you or she wants to use you.  I'm sorry, but its the truth.  The time in hospital and professional advice made me see it. 
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barbwire911
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« Reply #73 on: March 24, 2014, 06:47:47 PM »

@Willy45: Yeah I think she just wanted to see if you were still around so placed some "nice bait" and you bit 9and that is ok as we all do it... . ) and you got burned. So then she walks away as she baited you and is satisfied you are there and in her head, she thinks you want her back. So here she is dating one guy and in her head, she believes her ex also wants her... . for a BPD this is a big confidence booster and a YIPPEE! moment as lots of validation that fills their emptiness. likely that it why she wants to remain friends and why alot of those with BPD like to maintain contact with ex's... . for when they NEED (key word... . NEED) something (validation, confidence, boost, etc.)
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« Reply #74 on: March 25, 2014, 07:59:46 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its page limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to continue here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223393.0
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