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Author Topic: Told me she wanted me in her life - #1  (Read 6642 times)
willy45
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« Reply #30 on: March 23, 2014, 05:00:51 PM »

OK. So. Everyone warned me. See my other posts. She called me last week out of the blue and I talked to her. She told me that she will never find anyone who will understand her like I, how I am her best friend in the whole world, and blah blah blah. This is after over a year of NC.

So, I wanted some clarity as to what she wanted. I thought it was a recycle attempt. Apparently not. I spilled my heart out to her. She told me that there was no way we could ever get back together. That she was dating someone else. That she just wanted me to be her best friend. How unhealthy our relationship was. Aggggggggg... . I feel terrible. I told her that I found it really hard to be friends with her while she was dating someone else as I still had strong feelings for her and didn't have 'friend' feelings.

I am devastated. All over again. Why? Why does she call me? Why does she say things like this to me? And then she acts surprised that I would even bring it up?

Aggg... . I feel like I'm the one who is mentally ill.
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« Reply #31 on: March 23, 2014, 05:15:10 PM »

First of all, we all do this until we are done - and we are not done until we are... . it doesn't matter how many people can tell you something, sometimes we need to touch the stove to see if it is still hot - part of life and learning.  Try not to be hard on yourself, but do try and learn the stove is hot this time around.

I am devastated. All over again. Why? Why does she call me? Why does she say things like this to me? And then she acts surprised that I would even bring it up?

If I recall, your other posts pretty much summed all this up - rereading them now might help you process the reality of all this.

Aggg... . I feel like I'm the one who is mentally ill.

Labels - mentally ill or "has some issues" - who cares what you want to call it.

Denial, plain and simple - it is really hard to believe that someone we love and someone who professed so much love and adoration to us could continue to hurt us.  At some point, we must accept "this is who she is" ... . if you can live with it, great - if you cannot, then use this as fuel to move past her.

Question - over the last year of NC ... . what kind of self-inquiry and processing have you done?  What new things did you start?  Look to the right on the 5 stages of detachment... . use these answers now as you process these feelings.

I know this hurts and shocks you right now and probably feels like the scab has been ripped off - but you are probably much stronger than you realize.

You posted here - good job!

What other actions can you do to process these new emotions?

Hang in there and be gentle with yourself - she showed you who she is and you needed to see it.

,

SB
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« Reply #32 on: March 23, 2014, 05:52:31 PM »

People can tell you until they are blue in the face but only You know what is right for You and when its time to wave the white flag and pack it in.     I have been no contact for well over a year and would like the opportunity to tell her how manipulative and how vile her actions were for my own closure it would only serve to open up old wounds.    No contact is not perfect but I have discovered for me it is the best path.   
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« Reply #33 on: March 23, 2014, 05:53:26 PM »

First of all, we all do this until we are done - and we are not done until we are... . it doesn't matter how many people can tell you something, sometimes we need to touch the stove to see if it is still hot - part of life and learning.  Try not to be hard on yourself, but do try and learn the stove is hot this time around.

Hi Willy45

I am to hear that you have had to go through this ordeal.  

I agree with what SB said though - that we are not done until we are.  It's a tough journey to that point but eventually we do get there.  In some ways, that's when the harder work begins because that's the point that we really look at ourselves instead of trying to work out what's going on with someone else but this kind of work is worth it in the long run.

There wasn't really anything drastically different about my exH's last split with me (he'd left over 10 times by this point) but it was as if the scales fell from my eyes and I finally could see that nothing was ever going to change.  All the other times we'd been separated, I had known deep down that I was still deeply attached.  I got back together with him after a year apart one time so even after 12 months.  I even reconciled after he divorced me. I still wasn't done.  

This time, I just felt done and I can't point to anything I did or read or heard that was different - I just knew that I felt different and there was no going back  (my exH starting dating instantly and remarried quickly which helped with the no going back but I was done before that happened).

I didn't just stop loving him overnight.  I didn't just stop finding the whole thing incredibly confusing. I still find myself going over and over things he's said on the rare occasions we have contact re: children - questions similar to the ones you are asking yourself just now. But I find that I am better able to stop ruminating and accept that "this is who he is" and get back to living my life.  And beating myself up for not being the one to leave or divorce him or say no when he wanted back just kept me stuck.  I needed to learn about why I didn't do those things not indulge in mental flagellation!

Do you have a T or some other kind of support?  Someone you can talk to in person about this latest setback?  

take care,

Claire
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willy45
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« Reply #34 on: March 23, 2014, 06:21:13 PM »

It is just really hurtful. She acted like I was the crazy one.

What's been happening over the past year is that every two months or so she would call or email or text. I would mostly ignore thinking that would send the clearest signal. Every now and then, I would give in (twice in the past year, maybe 3). Then she would ramp up the communication and I would tell her that it was hurting me and that she not call me again. She brought that up in our conversation, saying that she experienced it is as 'I love you, I hate you'. I guess I know too much about BPD now. I don't know. Just seems like I am the crazy one. But I never reached out to her. Ever. And when she did, I would explain to her that it was hurting me, that I couldn't move on in life because of it, that I couldn't have a good relationship with her in my life. I guess that doesn't seem to matter. I told her that I would find being friends with her exceedingly hard, that it would stop me from having a good relationship of my own. That doesn't seem to matter. Nothing about my feelings seem to matter.

Man. I knew this was going to happen. Over and over and over again. I just want to give up.
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« Reply #35 on: March 23, 2014, 06:42:21 PM »

Nothing about my feelings seem to matter.

Man. I knew this was going to happen. Over and over and over again. I just want to give up.

Willy, your feelings matter to us - sounds like you are still attached to her and you were hoping maybe she was ready to come back to you?

What do you mean by give up?  What do you want to give up Willy?
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« Reply #36 on: March 23, 2014, 06:47:11 PM »

It is just really hurtful. She acted like I was the crazy one.

I am sorry you are going through this.  You are definitely not alone.   I was shamed and blamed as well. Now that I sort through the rubble of the devastation, I have started -- slowly -- to release myself from the shame and blame.  

These relationships are traumatic.  My ex had four jobs in four years we were together.  She would rant and rave about how horrible her bosses were, and either quit or be forced out, and then -- magically -- she would become facebook friends with former bosses and text nice things to them periodically.  It was insane.

Forgive yourself Willy.  Re-draw your boundaries.   Make a list of all the reasons you are not in the relationship.  Then push through the pain into your own pain.  And, start to release yourself.

We're here for you.

Man. I knew this was going to happen. Over and over and over again. I just want to give up.

Quote from Elizabeth Gilbert:  "Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation."

Visualize your future on your own two feet.  Keep posting, brother.
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willy45
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« Reply #37 on: March 23, 2014, 06:58:03 PM »

Yeah. I guess if I am going to be completely honest, that was what I was hoping for, in a way. But also not. It is so confusing... . She has tried to contact me before and it always struck me with terror. I just ignored, ignored, ignored. NC all the way. Two weeks ago, the thought of even talking to her let alone getting back together with her was so far from my mind. The thought of it made me sick.

Then, when she called and had such a great conversation. She told me how much she missed me, how she won't find anyone who will understand her like I do, how I am so exciting and inspiring and how much she would love to see me. I thought she wanted to reconcile. It just seemed so over the top. So, for the past week I have been thinking about it and how it could be different and living in a complete fantasy land. And so I called her to ask why she was calling and she told me that she just wanted a friendship back. I told her that since she called that I was really sad and missing her. She said she missed me too. But she said she was seeing someone else and that there was no way for us to reconcile. And so I asked her why she would say those things to me and she seemed shocked that I would ask. She said she was just being nice.

So yes. If I am honest with myself right now. Yes.

The troubling thing was that she was the one that seemed to be making sense. Telling me how it wasn't possible. That the only way back together was through a friendship first. That that was all she could offer. I told her that it really hurt me every time she called because this is what happens to me. She didn't seem to care. All she said was OK, just don't be mean to me. The same thing she would always say to me after a fight. Even if we weren't fighting. She would always 'don't be mean to me'. Any slight look or if she took my tone of voice wrong.

She said there was no way for us to ever work out. That it wasn't possible. But, if it was, we would have to establish a friendship first. That part actually makes sense. But I told her: What kind of friendship would this even be? If you know that I still love, and I know she still loves me, what would this friendship be? She didn't have an answer.

Soo heartbroken right now. I knew this was going to happen.

I guess I feel ill because I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. In my rational self and mind, I don't want anything to do with her, let alone date her. This is what is making me crazy right now. Somehow the conversation changed into what I did wrong in the relationship and how I would have to change. That somehow I was the one who did everything wrong and she was the one who just thought we were soul mates.

Ag. Is this what someone with BPD does? Do they just like keeping people around no matter what? She told me that our relationship was the worst time in her life, except for her previous relationship with someone she described as being extremely abusive.
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« Reply #38 on: March 23, 2014, 07:06:07 PM »

Ag. Is this what someone with BPD does? Do they just like keeping people around no matter what? She told me that our relationship was the worst time in her life, except for her previous relationship with someone she described as being extremely abusive.

I don't know if all bwBPD do this, but from my own experience and from being around this forum for the last several years - yeah, part of the disorder is about keeping "self-soothing" tools in the form of people. 

I had to finally accept that words from my ex were only that - words - they didn't take away the truth of what she did or how she acted or even how I acted.  There is a great book on all this "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"  It is very very true.

As others have said - time to re-establish your boundaries and what you need in all this.

I am sorry you are hurt 

SB
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willy45
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« Reply #39 on: March 23, 2014, 07:13:01 PM »

Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.

I think what I need is to get as far away from her as possible and get back to where I was before she called. I was doing well. (or at least better).

I'm so mad at myself for how this went down.
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« Reply #40 on: March 23, 2014, 07:21:47 PM »

Hi Willy,

"That doesn't seem to matter. Nothing about my feelings seem to matter."

You matter. I agree with the advice to redraw your boundaries. Seems like she isnt going to change and you don't want to be friends. I can't be best friends with an ex either. Maybe find a better friend and future girlfriend. I dread when my ex will call me in the future, if they do. I'm NC 7 months. I won't be going to lunch with her. I feel for you. Hang in there.

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« Reply #41 on: March 23, 2014, 07:24:41 PM »

I'm so mad at myself for how this went down.

Well, you can be mad as long as you need to - but to not have it happen again, lean into the anger and let yourself feel the pain... . pain is the great reminder of not going into that rabbit hole again.

You really will be ok - do you happen to have a T that you worked with before that you can call on again?
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« Reply #42 on: March 23, 2014, 07:26:51 PM »

I know how you feel Willy... . my exbfwBPD sounds similar... . not exactly the same but he bounces our "status" around so seemlessly. For a month he would be enamoured with me and talking about our future and writing me cards saying he chooses me "to travel life's journey with" and then the next weekend he is crying breaking up with me saying we move too fast and he just wants to be friends first and then see where things go.  It is all so odd. I am 7 days in NC right now after sending him 2 nice and normal emails a few weeks ago about a disagreement we had and I got no response. Silent treatment. So then finally I sent one saying never to contact me again.  Still silent treatment but he is starting to show up at the gym when I go (this was how all our former recycling attempts previously began).

So I know how you feel.  I have read BPD love love the chase and then when they get the person they back off as they fear the closeness.  They alternate between wanting attachment and pushing hard for it and then fearing it when they get it.  And my ex did tons of projection.  He backed off as he said I was the one pushing the attachment when it was hardly so... . in fact he wanted me to sleep everynight at his new place he moved into and I would only stay once a week as I thought if I at least moved slow, it might work in the 100th time we tried. But nope... . it is always something.

So try not to beat yourself up but I know it is hard.  Stay strong and just start NC again.  In a week you will feel better but right now you feel likely embarrassed, humiliated for sharing your feelings and then just being rejected.  I find those with BPD like to use that friendship card too as a way and rationale for keeping ex's around in their back pocket for when they need them.
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« Reply #43 on: March 23, 2014, 08:19:45 PM »

Hi willy, I feel for you and you're not alone.  Seeking Balance hipped me to a great link (thanks SB) that I'd read before probably 3 or 4 times over the last few months (I'm nearly two weeks NC after 14 months r/s). 

Here's the link (10 Belief That Can Get You Stuck):  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Reading it again just 30 mins ago I found the words finally seeping in and having more relevant meaning.  Check it out, it may help.
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« Reply #44 on: March 23, 2014, 08:44:49 PM »

I think this is Triangulation at its best. If she is so happy in another RS why would she need you as a best friend. She tested the waters, you spilled your guts to her and she realized you were still there. So, she can go on her merry way with the new guy. It does suck and I feel for you, bro.
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willy45
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« Reply #45 on: March 23, 2014, 08:54:49 PM »

I guess I just don't get it. I don't even understand how the conversation went to where it did. We chatted and I told her I felt sad when she contacted me because it just brought everything back up again. And then all of a sudden we were talking about how I wanted her back and she didn't want that. But I was only asking her what she wanted. And I told her that I can't be friends with her. That I don't feel that way towards her. And then all of sudden the conversation was about how I want her back and that she could never ever want that. But I didn't want her back. I just told her that when we spoke it made me feel like I did and that feeling makes it really hard for me to move forward in my life.

I don't understand how someone cannot listen like that. I guess that is why I left her in the first place. Somehow my saying how I feel turns into me being this crazy person whose feelings should be disregarded because they are crazy.

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willy45
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« Reply #46 on: March 23, 2014, 08:57:39 PM »

Yeah. arn131. That is totally 100% it. Why else would she call? Why else would she need a best friend? Why would she say: 'Nobody cares about what I have to say like you' 'I will never find anyone in the world who understands me like you do'. And on and on. Why else would she say that? And the calls started happening the day after Valentine's day. And she kept saying: I couldn't get you out of my mind for 3 months. What the h*ll does all that mean?

I don't get it. I should have seen it coming. I know this was what this was about. I guess I just opened up my heart and thought things would have changed. Nope.
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« Reply #47 on: March 23, 2014, 10:03:27 PM »

Hey Willy

Im sorry you are going through this.  Its just so cruel.  Its so difficult and confusing especially because our way of loving just doesn't relate to this type of behavior.  Thats a good thing i figure.

Please be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.  You didn't make a mistake, you are still learning to grow and heal.

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willy45
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« Reply #48 on: March 23, 2014, 10:38:09 PM »

yeah. I'm just so tired of this. I guess I was overly optimistic about my ability to draw boundaries... . I'm just so tired of being constantly vigilant. She never calls me from her number. Always 'unkown' phone call. It's an international call and she doesn't want to pay long distance. So I guess not super duper stalkerish but it means that anyone calling me internationally makes me scared. And sometimes I pick up. And sometimes it is her on the other line.

I just don't understand how the conversation went so sideways. We talked for 10 minutes and I sounded pretty bummed and she asked me why. I told her that I had a hard time every time she called me because I went to this fantasy land where everything is great because I miss her so much and then I get bummed out that it isn't real. And then the conversation goes into how she could never be with me because of the way I left her and how being with me was the second most miserable time of her life (next to her abusive alcoholic ex-boyfriend who was 30 years her senior). And all of a sudden the conversation is about me and why I feel that way and why I broke up with her in the first place and blah blah blah.

The thing is, I went into the conversation just trying to figure out where she was at. I asked her why she was calling (after I told her in no uncertain terms to never call me again). I asked her if she was seeing someone (she is). I then told her that I was confused because a few days ago she said I was her best friend in the whole world, how nobody listened to her the way I did, how she misses every day, how she thinks about 24/7, how amazing I am, and how I inspire her. She then told me that she was just saying that to be nice and seemed surprised that I would think anything other than that. I even told her last time that I wasn't interested in being friends with her because I didn't feel that way about her, that it confused me and hurt me to be her friend.

She just doesn't care. Or doesn't understand. I don't know. Man. So much for my hubris of thinking I had good boundaries. I just reverted back to defending myself. She asked me if I was so in love with her then why did I leave her (I never said I was so in love with her... . I just told her that talking to her put me in a fantasy land where we were together and happy and the reality of that not being real was too much for me to bear). For some reason I didn't have the heart to say: "I left you because you were abusive with me and raged at me at all hours of the night. That I had to hide from you under the bed. That I was terrified that you would hit me. That you would storm off at the slightest sigh or hesitation in my voice." All I said was that I didn't understand what was going on in our relationship and I needed to learn because it was hurting me.

What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm back at square negative 10000. Like every time before. I'm tired of being so vigilant against her. I'm tired of living in a fantasy world where the 'love of my life' wasn't also abusive and predatory. I'm just so tired. I wish she would just leave me alone. I'm tired of trying to understand her or what her motivations are.
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« Reply #49 on: March 23, 2014, 10:54:29 PM »

Some things just never make sense. Its just what it is no matter how hard we try to understand. We may get more clarity as times goes on.

Can you be okay with that Willy? I spend hours still trying to figure it out even with all of the info and understanding i have now and the only way out for me is to accept that I will never truly know who this person was or why they did all of the crazy things they do. First because we are two separate people and second because of the dynamic that went on between us is something i am still trying to process.  Who I am and what i brought to it.

I reel and reel over the most bizarre behaviors over the last three years and try to figure it out. What a waste of my precious life. ugh

Find the tools on this board, find some tools of your own to disengage from this latest entanglement.

When you are ready.

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willy45
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« Reply #50 on: March 23, 2014, 11:11:04 PM »

Thanks Caroline. Much appreciated.

The thing I struggle with about the 'what did I bring to the relationship' question is a hard one for me. Specifically because my ex used to use that logic on me all the time whenever she would rage at me. I remember her raging at me for something super minor (she asked me what I wanted to do over the weekend and I said that I didn't know). I remember leaving the house because I couldn't take it. And I remember her calling me right after to tell me I had to think about what my part in the argument was. There was no 'hey, sorry for freaking out', or 'I was hurt that you didn't have a plan'. It was 'you made me act this way and you need to figure out why you did that'. (the answer: I just woke up and was groggy).

So, the struggle about what I brought to the relationship is a tough one for me. A of love and hope? A misguided idea that I wouldn't get yelled at for everything? The misguided trust that I could fall asleep without fear of being raged at for rolling over or moving the blankets? I don't think I deserved that.

I think what is interesting and worth exploring is why I stayed. Why I still care. Why I still hope. Why I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that this person doesn't really care for me but rather wants to hurt me and continue to hurt me so that she can have me around for whatever reason (probably her deep fear of abandonment). These are the things that I brought to the table. This is apparently what I still bring to the table. And this is the thing that is hurting me. And scaring the daylights out of me. I could loose everything in life with just a tiny slip like answering a phone call.
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« Reply #51 on: March 23, 2014, 11:21:54 PM »

Yah Willy

I get what you are saying here . Where you got to at the closing part of post is more what i am talking about.

I had my ex constantly holding me responsible for his incredible behavior. Even telling me in the beginning when i first caught him cheating that trust was a two way street. He wouldnt be cheating basically if i trusted him. Well sorry, not buying into that one. Or how about the "women like me are the reasons why men who care drink".  Hmmm... . ok... . right.

But i will hold some responsibility for why i stayed for so long in a relationship that undermined my sense of worth and integrity. Im figuring that one out and i have miles to go maybe.

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« Reply #52 on: March 23, 2014, 11:31:27 PM »

Yeah. That's a good point. That is what I struggled with over the past year and a half. And I came to terms with the fact that I had poor boundaries. And I didn't stick up for myself. But really, I think that boundaries only work with people that can understand what boundaries are.

The thing that is making me insane right now is that when I talked to my ex, she was telling me how we needed to establish a good friendship that had really clear boundaries and work on that. This is the same person who would rage at me when I told her she violated my boundaries with "You and your f#&*ing boundaries". The same person who is telling me she is dating someone and is unavailable romantically yet telling me she won't find anyone who understands her like I do or that I am her best friend in the whole world and on and on and on. That can't be real.

I guess the truth of it all is that I still don't have good boundaries. My boundary with her was ':)on't ever call me again, don't ever contact me again.' She did for months and months and months to no reply. I caved this time. And I am suffering so badly I can hardly take it.
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« Reply #53 on: March 23, 2014, 11:40:58 PM »

Willy

My ex was all over the practicing good boundary stuff but was the biggest violator of them.

you said you can hardly take whats going on for you right now.  how about taking whats left of you that is okay and putting energy into that.  Don't let her have any more .

Hold on to yourself.  You are worth it.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #54 on: March 23, 2014, 11:54:11 PM »

Excerpt
'you made me act this way and you need to figure out why you did that'

That gave me flashbacks reading this statement. I heard this hundred of times from ex. It's really amazing how everything can be our fault. Getting away from this person has made me feel so much better about myself. Nice to not have to hear how bad I am daily. Sounds like your health and happiness improved after you left her also.

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willy45
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« Reply #55 on: March 24, 2014, 12:18:30 AM »

ACK! So much information I absolutely did not want to know. Seriously. What's wrong with me? Why do put myself through this over and over and over again. It never turns out well. I hate it.

Her parting words for me on the conversation were: Don't be mean to me. I am now understanding that what that means is: Take whatever bull___ I throw at you and don't do anything to react to it.

That is pretty clear.
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mapys

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« Reply #56 on: March 24, 2014, 02:17:04 AM »

Why do you keep punishing yourself? Really what you are doing is you are punishing yourself - you have to find out why you are doing this... .

Also you can look at your situation as follows:

Consider a situation where you have your BPD gf, yourself and a normal woman with whom you could have a lasting, loving relationship. So 3 persons.

And now you have options:

1) You stick around (get back) with your BPD partner

2) You stay alone

3) You find that third person and eventually find love

So what does it mean in greater context?

If you choose path #1 - you will be devastated (you already know that your BPD partner cannot sustain happiness). So She will drown you and the world will "loose" 2 people.

If you choose path #2 - you know that in general you feel better when you are alone than when you where with BPDgf. So in this case the world "looses" only 1 person, which BTW is already lost - I honestly don't think that they can be truly saved (judging from my experience and information and stories found on this site).

If you choose path #3 - you step into new kind of universe, where there are two happy and loving people, yes the other one drowned (but that is just life).

So ask yourself - what is best for the universe?  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Or maybe just find out which of these path's you don't want to take like FOR SURE Smiling (click to insert in post)

Don't take my post too seriously but this is how I look at this situation (which is similar to mine) Smiling (click to insert in post))

Be strong!
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Narellan
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« Reply #57 on: March 24, 2014, 03:22:11 AM »

Barbwire 911. i feel like im looking in a mirror when i look at your post. Exact word for word my situation. Why do we listen to ex BPD, because we will Never understand what we did or whether we did anything to contribute, and maybe its a miscommunication. The more i read on here the sicker i feel. I am diagnosing my ex myself, but everything just seems to clarify my situation. My ex of only 10 days, told me i was what hed been waiting for his whole life, i travelled away to be with him for a few wonderful days, maybe the best of my life, and he posted photos all over facebook that we were together. a couple of days home my friend asked, "so i see youve met someone", and i later mentioned that to him, and suddenly its" why didnt u say we were just friends?" He panicked big time, deleted every photo (20) of us kissing and cuddling and laughing, and stated to me we are just friends. I was so humiliated i sent one text, saying how brokenhearted i feel, and no reply and its 10 days, and he is now making comments on other girls facebook photos to hook up with them. I am gutted. My family all saw the photos and were annoyed i had gone off for a few days with him, so have told me to sort out my life, and i also now have no contact with them. I am sure he is openly posting on other females to get a response from me, which i refuse to do. I am really just getting to know him from this behaviour. I am depressed and feel like vomiting most of the time. My life is in chaos. And yet i am checking my phone constantly waiting for an apology. I cant bear the failing of it.
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willy45
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« Reply #58 on: March 24, 2014, 08:08:37 AM »

Hi Barbwire,

I'm so sorry to hear that. That must have been awful. I can only imagine.

For me, what worries me the most is all the work I've done over the past year and a half seems to have gone down the drain. I'm devastated. I didn't sleep last night. Woke up feeling like I got kicked in the stomach. My sense of what is real and what is normal is just so out of whack.

I don't understand how the conversation went from me saying I couldn't be 'friends with her' because of how it made me feel to a discussion of why we can't be together, my professing my undying love for her, her berating me for having left her, and her 'offering' her friendship to me. I don't get it. That is totally not how I was imagining the conversation going at all. I wasn't wanting to get back together with her. The thought of it made me sick. I just don't understand how the conversation went in that direction. She came out like the sane one. I came out like the one with BPD. That is how I feel now. Maybe I am the crazy one. I can't sleep. I can't think. She's off with some other guy and acting like this is totally normal. I don't get it. Does this other guy know she's talking to me? Does this other guy know that she tells me I am her soul mate and always will be? I don't get it.

The worst thing is is that after she told me she was seeing someone (I asked), I tried to explain how her calling made me feel, that it brought me back to a place where I missed her tremendously and felt bad about myself for having broken up with her. Her response was that I shouldn't beat myself up about it and that we should establish a friendship. She said 'even if I was available', I don't think I would want to be with you. Then, I asked her why should say all this stuff to me. I think that question shocked her. She said, Oh, I was just being nice and wanted to say nice things to you but I don't want to talk about the past. Well, What the heck. Isn't her saying 'I will never find someone who understands me like you do' talking about the past? What else would she be referring to?

I am so devastated. At the end of conversation, I told her I would try to be friends with her but that it would be really hard. That it hasn't worked in the past. That it brought up too much stuff and it made me not able to move forward in my life or have good relationships with other people. Her response: Don't be mean to me. It was like a flashback to our relationship. She would say that to me constantly. 'Just don't be mean to me'. All the time.

I'm so tired of trying to make sense of everything. Does it seem like any of this makes sense to anyone? Why would she repeatedly contact me after I told her clearly not to? Why would she say these things to me? Why would she then act surprised that I asked her what her intentions were?

Is it just me? Am I totally nuts? What is wrong with me?

And yes. I am constantly checking my phone too.
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woodsposse
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« Reply #59 on: March 24, 2014, 08:40:49 AM »

Excerpt
Why would she repeatedly contact me after I told her clearly not to?

She can do this for two reasons.  First, because she has no respect for your boundaries.  Second, because you have no respect for your boundaries.

Don't worry, we have all been there and done that.  But you could take advantage of some of the links on the right about the five stages of detachment.  I know the pain hurts, but just know it is a process and your happiness starts and ends with you.
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