Did you notice a smile or a creepy look of satisfaction?

[shellsh0cked]

I think my xBPDgf got off on hurting me when she was raging... .I really do, but she always felt bad after she came down from it.  My buddy's ex?  He and I were discussing her.  She doesn't really fit the profile of BPD, Bipolar etc... .I said "I think her problem is that she's just a mean-@ss b___".  

Turns out I think I was right.  Some people are just mean and spiteful.  My ex generally wasn't, but when raging?  I've never known anyone more cruel than her... .EVER... .There was nothing she wouldn't do... .or say... .no matter how below the belt it was.  Her cruelty was really unreal to me... .that someone could really be that mean and hateful.

I remember looking at her... .towards the end of our relationship... .And we weren't even fighting.  And I saw an ugliness in her I'd chosen to ignore... .but it was there.  It was dark... .despicable.  I will never forget it.  

[blindjoe]

Man, kind of triggering now that I look back and think about it. Whenever I caught her in a lie or doing something or admitting to something she knew would hurt me, there was his bizarre satisfactory smirk she'd get which would only increase the level of hurt it caused me.

When she had outbursts and I first realized she was off, I would also notice this vacancy in her eyes, and it would happen like a switch was flicked; it also happened during sex often, she would just completely disappear, like there was no one there behind her glassy stare.

[shellsh0cked]

Man, kind of triggering now that I look back and think about it. Whenever I caught her in a lie or doing something or admitting to something she knew would hurt me, there was his bizarre satisfactory smirk she'd get which would only increase the level of hurt it caused me.

When she had outbursts and I first realized she was off, I would also notice this vacancy in her eyes, and it would happen like a switch was flicked; it also happened during sex often, she would just completely disappear, like there was no one there behind her glassy stare.

Ever get accused of think of other women during sex?  That's a lot fun there... .

[blindjoe]

That little, nearly imperceptible smirk. I saw it a few times, mostly after the devaluation started. In idealization I never saw it, or was  more likely blind to it. There was a deadness in her eyes like demonic possession, an altered tone to her voice and the smirk. She seemed to feed off of my pain during devaluation. Very unsettling. Seaofwounds... . very poignant. Being murdered and walking around in the aftermath is a pretty sound description of what this feels like.

Know too well what you're describing. It's really weird how we've all pretty much experienced the same thing with these people. It really is like they are all possessed or obsessed by the same demonic entity. If only that were true, maybe things would make a little more sense.

[Arminius]

Mine had a maniacal laugh... .so unusual and weird that we were recognised overseas in a bar that we'd visited once a year before. The bartender said, 'Hey , I remember the laugh.'

She would take delight in the misfortune of others, if someone tripped and fell etc, it wasn't  the normal response of a normal person. It was real delight. Childlike delight.

When she started to try to destroy me at the end, with explicit sexual revelations about her and my replacement, she had The Smirk. It really is the kind of smirk a child get when they are in trouble. But watching woman approaching 40 displaying it... .scary...

I'm glad she is drinking and smoking too much, I'm glad she is carrying weight and can't shift it. Her fading beauty will make manipulation of others harder... .Maybe that's why she chose a replacement that's almost 20 years older... .

[Emelie Emelie]

This is something I most definitely did not experience.  No "satisfaction".  Just anger.  And his anger came from hurt and insecurity.  I don't think he took a any "joy" in hurting me.  When I was visibly hurt it just made him angrier.  Probably some shame coming up for him, but I think it was mostly anger and frustration. 

[shellsh0cked]

When she started to try to destroy me at the end, with explicit sexual revelations about her and my replacement, she had The Smirk. It really is the kind of smirk a child get when they are in trouble. But watching woman approaching 40 displaying it... .scary...

I'm glad she is drinking and smoking too much, I'm glad she is carrying weight and can't shift it. Her fading beauty will make manipulation of others harder... .Maybe that's why she chose a replacement that's almost 20 years older... .

Mine totally manipulated me with sex... .she's damn good at it.  She came over to my house wasted drunk wanting "closure" after one of our many break-ups... .telling me all about how she "___ed two other guys!" while we were apart.   Asked me, "how does that make you feel?"  All said smiling away with her evil b___ grin... .knowing how deep she was stabbing my heart with words... .and actually enjoying the pain she was causing me.

Aside from her bedroom prowess, she has little to offer in anything... .Not even her looks these days... .Pushing 40 and looking 50+.  That's what that lifestyle will do for you. 

What a b___... .

[Infared]

Once we realize how sick they are it is our responsibility to ourselves to not give them any more opportunities to harm us.

Easy to say, but hard to do. it's called self love.

[charred]

Duper's delight... . from my pwBPD you bet, many times.

My NPD father was worse person I have seen about doing it. When his mother died, he turned and grinned a big grin at his family... truly sick.

Didn't mention he caused her death... that was what made it so sick.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes! My uBPDh does this. He gets a smirk or look of satisfaction when he says something to deliberately wound me. He also does what I call his "blank look, angry face".  His face when he becomes angered, even if he  isn't currently raging, is a scary thing. He looks like he could murder someone. I hate that face. I'd have never in a million years think the guy I dated was hiding this "evil twin". It's like he is two different people, but the real one, the angry one, is always just beneath the surface.

I used to think that the "real him" was the nice guy, but now I think it's the opposite. The "real" him is the angry, blaming, rage filled man who enjoys hurting me, and others in the past. If he didn't enjoy it, he'd own it, and get help. His ex(who was a mess herself), is a therapist, and my husband's son had literature in his room about BPD, so I guess maybe I'm the only one that was left in the dark.

I realize they use denial, but he's currently at odd with three of his four kids(he blames ME, of course), our marriage is a nightmare due to his blame and rages and abuse, and his past marriage ended due to his actions(and hers I'm sure). What more will it take for him to see, it's HIM who is making all his relationships suffer? By either not standing up and having boundaries with his more than likely personality disordered kids(he's afraid of losing them, so he is a doormat with them), and he is horrid to me. He is the common denominator. He'll do anything, deny anything, to have his grown kids in his life, but he refuses to see they control him. I get accused of controlling him, but I have ZERO control of anything, not even really my own actions, because I back down to him. He always gets his way or he threatens divorce.

I get that you can't make someone want to get help, and I'm making peace with that, but how do you come to terms with THAT SMIRK? It's knowing that they enjoy it on some level, that they realize what they are doing, that is making me crazy.

[patientandclear]

The worst experience with this was when she decided she was moving across country, on to bigger and better things.  After a week of avoiding me, using me, and devaluing me at every chance she got, I came by to say goodbye.  She cried for a little bit, then instantly stopped and said in a flat, "stoner" sounding voice, "Yeah, it's gonna suck not seeing you anymore."

Then she smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen---I am surprised it didn't crack her face in half.  She announced in a loud, circus-announcer-type voice, complete with a little theatrical jiggle of her head, "Everything is going to be great!"

I shuffled out the door, tears streaming down my face.

Went N/C for a month, then she sent me a letter in March.  Should have never responded.  She suckered me into letting her see me for 1.5 days this month on a big whirlwind music tour out west---I was squeezed in for sex, then promptly discarded as she moved onwards to her next exploit, a nameless, faceless woman I would only ever know as "my friend in S_____"

Good grief Sea of Wounds.  I basically played out that exact same scene, except neither of us cried (because I wasn't going to play into his expectation that I would try to stop him from going, and he wasn't in touch enough with his own feelings to even say "it's going to suck not seeing you".

I'm sending you a PM (private message) because the details aren't something I want to post, but ... .thanks for sharing this story.  It's good to have the company.

[Isabelle8]

This is all so accurate.  I was so confused at first when I saw the smirk on her face.  It first happened when she felt hurt by me about something relatively minor but then decided she would punish me by openly checking out other women while I was talking to her and crying.  She had a smirk on her face then, to make sure I would see how much she was enjoying punishing me back.

I am actually wondering if tears make BPD's less sensitive to us.  She always seemed more annoyed when I cried and was upset, she couldn't empathize with it (it wasn't her pain after all) and it just seemed to annoy her.  I think showing strength and detachment in the face of their cruelty is more powerful.  Does anyone have this experience?

But that kind of sociopathic behavior would come back every time she wanted to hurt me.  I will never forget how cold and inexpressive her face looked when she once told me how she kissed someone else.  That was because she wanted to punish me for abandoning her once (I tried to leave her once before). 

But a month after a break-up and almost no contact, I feel much better.  I am surrounding myself with good friends, and choosing to be in the company of people who are happy, strong and healthy.  I feel better each day.  You have to allow the pain to go through you and it's hard to explain to people why this kind of a break-up causes more pain than others, but we are not the "broken" ones.  So I want to give you all more strength and hope that things do get better. 

[Arminius]

Isabella, the cold and inexpressive look... .I called it ' the dead eyes' . She'd use them so easily. Killed all expression.

I'm seeing someone nice and normal now, who was a bit worried that my ex might approach her. She's never seen my ex, so asked to see a picture.

I showed her some. Her response? 'She is good looking... .but dead eyes. And her thighs are fat! '

I did chuckle at the accuracy of both observations, but it was funny that in the pictures she saw, I didn't see dead eyes. Guess I got used to them... .

I also chuckled at how the new girl zoomed right in on the biggest insecurity of my ex... .the thighs, and I didn't notice them either...

[LostGhost]

Isabelle8,

I can confirm that for my own situation as eel. All the problems and devaluation started when I shed some tears in front of her. The normal reaction is empathy but her facial response to my tears was more like, "Crying? Why is he crying? I don't get it. Only I have pain."

I had a friend commit suicide shortly after his wife died from cancer and when I was crying about that, no hugs of comfort offered or anything. Just a flat, "Oh? Well, are you going to be alright?" Never asked me how was I doing even once after the initial response.

[ldeora]

My very first post here!

The first time I saw the smirk was when we sat at her kitchen table after our first night and she received a text message on her phone. As she read it, I saw a "smile" - more like an evil smirk - for just a second. I asked her, what's up and then she realized that I was in front of her. She rolled her eyes, sighed and said it was some random guy who was "stalking" her for weeks. I asked why she wouldn't block his number - no real answer.

About a year later our "relationship" was "over" (silent treatment for weeks) and I'm certain that she told my replacement that I was a creepy "stalker"... .

[charred]

My very first post here!

The first time I saw the smirk was when we sat at her kitchen table after our first night and she received a text message on her phone. As she read it, I saw a "smile" - more like an evil smirk - for just a second. I asked her, what's up and then she realized that I was in front of her. She rolled her eyes, sighed and said it was some random guy who was "stalking" her for weeks. I asked why she wouldn't block his number - no real answer.

About a year later our "relationship" was "over" (silent treatment for weeks) and I'm certain that she told my replacement that I was a creepy "stalker"... .

My exBPDgf... same smile smirk when my daughter broke a bone... then she had to pull herself together and get a concerned look.

[borderdude]

Yup, after she painted me black, and got her new supply, i met her. She had her iphone, made a childish smile of revenge, she just had a new boytoy she could make use of in record time,  and she managed to get it before me, I can only feel sorry for her.


Walking around proud with her uncombed hair, just like kid , shes 40 pluss years old.

[freedom33]

She would have that evil smile when she was scheming something - some revenge, retaliation. She was by far the most vindictive and sadistic person I met in my life. Once she did something really cruel over facebook (long story to tell) and I told her 'Here come the consequences you sadistic piece of crap!' and defriended her on fb. It's not SET - I know... .

Coming back to the smile - Once she couldn't hold her cruelty and laughed at my desperation after she had been baiting me a whole morning. That was pure evil and cruel - I felt it in my heart, gut, lungs everywhere. I dumped her the next day. NC 6 weeks almost. Feeling great. I can slowly start feeling my balls here... .

[thereishope]

Hollow emptiness, blank.

A lot of eye rolling, wadded up face (to show disgust), hollow blank empty stare.

When (rarely) there was eye contact, it was a piercing stare (intimidation).

For years, he would stare at the tv or the wall, and not communicate with me at all.

All he would say is "I don't know" or "maybe" or "kinda" or "I'm not sure".

In the last 10 years it became a game of twisting and manipulating my words.

Lots of gas lighting.

In the last 3 years, yelling and twisting/manipulating.

But his face?

Blank, empty, hollow.

Beady eyes, with nothing behind them but black.

I had a gf who lives in Israel ask to see a photo of him... . she said he was 'berriff', Hebrew for 'empty, without a soul essentially (I know we all have a soul, but that was the gist of what the Hebrew word meant). She told me there was nothing I would ever be able to do... . that this was a 100% God project.

Man, was she right.

Dang... .I'm here right now with this type of behavior but it's not all the time... .It goes back and forth between the staring at the phone/tv with short, devaluing answers and no eye contact, easily frustrated rolling eyes at any and everything I do that peaves him scrunching up his face in disgust, mimicking my words, etc... .  to over the top affectionate, smiling eyes, soft loving face... .up and down up and down up and down... .driving me perpetually crazy... .I can't even feel my own feelings anymore enough to make a logical decision about what to do!

[Loveofhislife]

I always took these moments of intentional hurt as him trying to make me leave voluntarily so that he could absolve himself of a certain amount of guilt due to the fact that I would have been leaving on my own accord, not because he had done anything wrong. Does that make sense? His self-fulfilling prophecy of everyone he loves leaving him would always be intact, especially if they left willingly. It's almost as though his fears of abandonment had to be true or he had nothing else... . So he always made sure it happened.

Brilliant! He can continue to play the victim--no need for self introspection, no need for guilt and shame... .she left me!  I was abandoned yet again... .

[Loveofhislife]

I am actually wondering if tears make BPD's less sensitive to us.  She always seemed more annoyed when I cried and was upset, she couldn't empathize with it (it wasn't her pain after all) and it just seemed to annoy her.  I think showing strength and detachment in the face of their cruelty is more powerful.  Does anyone have this experience?

I initiated a post in July about how do they feel when we cry?  I believe the answer here is ANNOYED--perhaps to the degree that they discard us.  It is their cue that we are all used up--because what were we in the first place?  We were their light into their darkness--now our crying rains on their parade.

[Loveofhislife]

I think the look may be the satisfied "angry child" persecuting the projected "punitive parent"

This makes perfect sense to me, Blim--because Lord knows, nothing else makes sense about them.  I think I got more of a deer in the headlights look--not fear, but, like what the heck is going on here?  This is not supposed to be happening! Loveofhislife is supposed to be the strong and happy one; why is she manipulating me this way?

[Ivaros]

The last situation i was in. Ended up me defending myself.

However, before it escalated, she showed a creepy " devillish " look on her face. As if she was very satisfied with the situation.

( That was her reaction before turning violent )

I explained the look on her face to my family friends. I rarely describe something as " not from this world " or " devillish " .

But yeah, it was rather creepy. Like she had a out of body experience and saw the white light. Full of satisfaction.

Disturbed me quite alot.

[Mr Hollande]

I still remember the look of satisfaction on my first BPD gf's face when she sensed she'd hurt me. It was full of glee. As if she'd come alive by the knowledge that she'd managed to inflict emotional pain on me. Even if it's 15 years ago no I still haven't forgotten it. Utterly sadistic.

[Arminius]

My very first post here!

The first time I saw the smirk was when we sat at her kitchen table after our first night and she received a text message on her phone. As she read it, I saw a "smile" - more like an evil smirk - for just a second. I asked her, what's up and then she realized that I was in front of her. She rolled her eyes, sighed and said it was some random guy who was "stalking" her for weeks. I asked why she wouldn't block his number - no real answer.

About a year later our "relationship" was "over" (silent treatment for weeks) and I'm certain that she told my replacement that I was a creepy "stalker"... .

My exBPDgf... same smile smirk when my daughter broke a bone... then she had to pull herself together and get a concerned look.

She would laugh whenever someone hurt themselves. I remember once I walked in to a low bollard, hit me where it hurts and she laughed to the point that we had a huge argument about it. She really couldn't see that some assistance or sympathy would have been more appropriate...

[Caredverymuch]

Do BPD's get some sick joy, entertainment or a satisfaction out of cheating, lying and physical violence on us? I keep reading comments from members here that seem to express that they do.

Did you notice a smile when hit, a smile when lied too, a look of enjoyment of getting even with you/revenge or a smile in delight as they demeaned you in an attempt to mentally break you or a look of satisfaction that you found out they cheated?

In my case I noticed many times my (uBPDstbxw) went out of her way to try to break me (for example: saying my dead family members who I loved actually hated me when they were alive etc... . and while doing this she seemed so relaxed (It was a look like a person would have if they just ate a nice dinner and had a relaxed smile on their face) while verbally abusing me and telling me I am a worthless speck of dust. I looked in her eyes and saw what I believe to be what I would call a relaxed enjoyment.

I noticed she seemed at some points to get some form of satisfaction and relief/enjoyment(?) out of hitting me.

I noticed when she got caught in lies she would have this smile, it wasn't a deer in the headlights or hand in cookie jar being caught smile, it was weirder, like a relaxed satisfaction smile.

It wasn't over the top obvious but I feel it was really there.

Any of you all experience anything like this?

Peace,

AO

Yes, I have seen that smile. I am very sorry you saw such after physical abuse and I do hope you are safe in your detachment journey.

This thread, like so many others, awoke something that felt very odd and brought forth recall given I have been out of the r/s for over a year.

My expBPD waif smiled when he spoke of conversations with his (then) ex. I had no idea about BPD back them. 

He would say things like " We were talking about xyz, and I could tell that hurt her" then a smile would appear, indicating a sense of satisfaction, rather than concern or shame or fault or anything but... .satisfaction.

Not meanness. Rather, the kind of smile one might have while star gazing.

I found it odd.

It is odd.

I agree with other posters here in that, the moment I showed any emotion or sense of need, my ex was stone gone.

I am not a crier. I cried more tears in that r/s than my entire life before. I am not a crier. This in alone shocked me.

They exhaust and emotionally deplete you.

They annilate any attempt for alone time. 

Then split, devalue, and pour hurt on if you show any sense of your own wounding. Your own need.

Indeed. The ONLY interaction and resultant actions moving on must be about them.

Their daily aches and pains including that headache that is not real, yet daily.

Their feelings. Their fears. Their availability. Their missing of you.

Their idea of love.

When I did shed tears bc I was so very depleted and confused, and my strength bare none. The Detached Protector arrived.

That smile.

I was then split. Immediately.

[Indyan]

No, I can't recall any.

He's done a lot of bad stuff to me, but looking satisfied when I was hurt, no.

In fact he can't cope with his own feeling of guilt and shame, and seeing me cry makes him feel bad.

He often says "stop treating me like a monster" when HE IS behaving as one.

Isn't this "satisfaction" feeling, a sign of NPD rather than BPD?

[Popcorn71]

I still remember the look of satisfaction on my first BPD gf's face when she sensed she'd hurt me. It was full of glee. As if she'd come alive by the knowledge that she'd managed to inflict emotional pain on me. Even if it's 15 years ago no I still haven't forgotten it. Utterly sadistic.

I can't forget the look of pleasure on my exes face when he told me about the replacement.  I think he'd wanted to hurt me for a long time and this was when he finally got what he wanted.  I thought at the time that he was a very sick man and I still think that now.

[lm911]

Mine did get creepy smile while she was making me angry. I could not understand why making someone angry and even crying would make you smile.

[peiper]

During one of my ExBPD's gas lighting episodes I stood up for myself and she went straight to the she's moving out mode. (which at the time I did not want) So I went right out and bought a dozen roses. When I got back and gave them to her there was a brief smirk on her face, like woohoo I won, then went right back to acting pissed for a few hours to save face.