Re: "No Contact" Members Daily

[Eric1]

This is a really good idea for a thread.

I haven't spoke to mine & want to. It's tough.

[irishmarmot]

Almost 6 months NC and free at last!

[myself]

More than half a year for me. Each day had uphills, downhills, and in between. I say I'm NC, because I am. But more and more, as I hear myself say it, I see that's still including her in the picture when she's not really in it anymore. So I wonder what else can I call it? CMP? Changing My Patterns? Ideas welcome.

[AimingforMastery]

3 days NC, already sleeping better, feeling better.

No judgment, she couldn't to do many basic things I needed and had significant blindspots.

I wish her well, and if she got well I'd consider it. But that is probably months way.

Meantime, feels great to have my life back and learn the things I need to so that I will never allow myself to not receive in a relationship again.

[Inside]

I’m allowing myself the designation of NC even though around a month ago I sent her an email reminding her she still owes me money, that it’s been over two years, and it was not a gift …and an address to mail it to.  No response, or $  …She’d sent a couple probes prior to that but I failed to respond, so I feel good

But what feels better is having difficulty remembering how long it’s been!  I like that - “half a year!”  I know it’s been seven months – and after as many recycles…  that’s progress.  Been costly though… left my job to sell my home and will be moving from the area.  And have been avoiding a bunch of long-time friends as they’re ‘down there’ in ‘her town’ and I’m up here in the woods…

What I recall most about the NC ordeal is the fact stuff will run through your mind, I just couldn’t shut that off – but – it gets stale, and when nothing new is added, eventually your mind moves on!  Admittedly, hanging ‘around here’ may keep her (uBPDxgf of 3.5 years) bouncing around my head some, but discussing the Facts with those who know remains priceless

[Changingman]

I really feel for you as you have a child together.

Makes it harder.

The best advice I can give you is NONE of their stuff is personal. NONE of it. It's simply a desperate need inside them that needs filling. If you fill it great - but you can't long term as it's bottomless; if not they have to try to get the need met anyway they can - and the need to fill that inner VOID existed long before you came along.

It had, and it has, nothing to do with you.

Period.

This is a truth. A sad truth, but truth.

[Mr Hollande]

2 months out, one slip up "hearing her out" last week, no compassion but lots of anger and indignation. NC is a weapon. One of the very few at our disposal. Let's carry on using it.

[peiper]

Its not only the relationship that dies but everything that goes along with it that we committed to.

Very true… and often left out as we focus on our ‘lost love.’  We’re led to feel we’ve found such a soul mate that everything else will also fall into place.  It’s like they were trying to convince themselves of their commitment as much as they were us.  I’m sure, for awhile, they’re right there with us … then if fades, falls apart… and of course – we’re to blame.

They’re wrecking balls!  Strange though, it hardly seems a close second to most folks around here when adding up the monetary loss …as we’re so focused on getting beyond the emotional loss.  And whenever I feel angry, I use it, or at least make a purposeful attempt to retain whatever image or thought caused my anger.  …but as mentioned, it’s mainly become pity, likely a good thing.

But, I have to watch very carefully not to include myself within that pity.  I can get, and have been depressed…  And it seems like it’s going to be harder to trust, and that makes me angry.  I’ve always valued my ability to choose good friends, and was definitely burned by this affair.  …just sitting here slowly shaking my head sideways…  You summed it up well, an extremely costly experience.

Wrecking balls sure fits

[Tausk]

I dont know how to do this LC properly.  It is frustrating as I have to see her... .

Getting to the end of day 4 and I feel like I should have a tab up the top of my thingy... .  like AA 4 days LC under the belt and a little reward when I get to different milestones... . 

I feel so lucky to have my son but wish it could be 4 days NC instead of LC ... .

JJ.

Hang in there.  Remember, NC/LC is not the end game.  NC/LC are tools to help us clear the FOG/addiction and then to learn to detach and depersonalize the Disorder.  And then we can look at ourselves, pick up the pieces of our lives, and then grow into the people we always wanted to be.  Not the false self that is attached to the Disorder, but rather a real self with awareness, esteem and respect.

And this is the person that is best for us and the people we care about.  This is the end game.  Keep the eyes on the prize.

Yes, it can be very difficult.  And it hurts like hell.  But, we're doing it.

And remember, that the Disorder does not destroy our soul.  It destroys our false self.  It's up to us to rediscover our souls.

[Nobpdcontrol]

Aussie, hang in there. Stay no contact to heal yourself like others said. It's not personal for her, only for you.

My ex BPD of a year has been contacting me non-stop for over a month and no matter how much I want to call her I know it is just too easy for her to pull me in to an argument and ___ up a day of mine or even a week. I know it's not healthy. I think of all the times I lost my mind trying to get through to her... .Exasperated... .Stressed... .Financially at a loss and then I say... .Nah I won't call her. At least without her I am in control of my own self, my emotions and my temperament... .Sure she runs through my mind... .She flaunts her relationships daily to me... .She won!... .She says but have you ever heard the saying a crazy person will never admit they are crazy?

Well at least I have my sanity back. Who's the winner now? 39 days now... .Not saying it's not tough... .Just saying it gets easier. LC, yea I can't imagine what that might feel like. I'll let others respond... .But as much NC as possible is the best for your recovery... .Not as a weapon against her... .Otherwise your still mad and that's a part of grieving... .It helps you move on no matter how slow. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it's an amazing city. Good luck to all here

[Narellan]

Hey Aussie JJ ! Neighbour in fact

It sure is difficult going NC. Goes against all my instincts. But its really necessary for healing. i feel for you LC is much harder.

4 months NC for me, and still on my mind 24/7. But I can see progress in myself. 

[BorisAcusio]

I accepted her being vegitarian cooked for her and opened up my love of cooking.  Not once ever did I have meat cooked for me by her

I can relate to that. I always cooked for her, brought breakfeast in bed, in return, she couldn't even make me a quick brownie.  

[Housman]

I work with my BPD ex and she often makes it a point to try and talk to me, I'm often pretty cold in response, and usually walk away. I made the mistake after missing her deeply of trying to be polite and friendly and of course she was being kind and sweet and when I got home I had a message from her that simply said "I love to watch you squirm."

Learned my lesson.

She also makes it a point to immediately date people in my circle I suspect to further me having to see her. I'm wondering if there is a way to disarm this behavior by being overly friendly in LC or should I stick with ignoring her/NC at work and in public? I no longer want her back at all or anything to do with her really, the reality is I have to see her and I'm wondering what's the best way to go about this?

[BacknthSaddle]

I work with my BPD ex and she often makes it a point to try and talk to me, I'm often pretty cold in response, and usually walk away. I'm wondering if there is a way to disarm this behavior by being overly friendly in LC or should I stick with ignoring her/NC at work and in public? I no longer want her back at all or anything to do with her really, the reality is I have to see her and I'm wondering what's the best way to go about this?

I also have the problem of working with my ex, although after changing roles recently I rarely see her.  Regarding your strategy, I would say this: acting cold and distant implies to her that you dislike her, which means to her that you are still attached, and thus she still has control over you.  I don't think this is what you want.  I think the best approach is to be cordial with her, not overly friendly, just as superficial and dispassionate as possible. You can say hello to her, just no differently than you would to anyone else. 

And probably you should block her texts/messages. 

[Hopeless777]

IMHO, they work on love and hate. The emotions are very close. The opposite is indifference. Love is not the opposite of hate; indifference is. I'm now heading down the legal route initiated by her. Notwithstanding being 6 weeks out, and NC for  5 days (my fault, i was weak), I know I'll have to see her in depositions and I have to be "cold". If we love or hate, they have us. If we're indifferent they lose. I'm not trying to make it a game, but when your life is on the line its the only way to go. I just hope I can do it when the time comes.

[camuse]

It's so hard isn't it?

My ex hasn't contacted me over the couple of weeks I've been NC. I'm glad about that, but also very sad that she doesn't care how I am or what I'm doing.

It's much better if she doesn't get in touch, but it still makes me depressed. I guess I have nothing for her to take right now.

She would say she's being kind, giving me space, but I can't help wondering what she's doing and feeling.

I'm feeling so sad today, as I realise we didn't experience the same thing at all. I let this person into my life, who just wanted to use me.

I can't help feeling that's all I am worth - I just wanted someone to love me back.

It's so hard, but I won't falter. I know she can only harm me.

[Trent]

3.5 months NC.  Changed my phone # and moved across country (not due to her, but fortunate timing nonetheless).  As far as I know, she doesn't know I've moved and doesn't know my new #, and I plan to keep it that way.  I have no social media for her to stalk.  Forward!  

[coldboy]

i was LC with my ex since February , at that time we had the typical arguments ( she was refusing to see me to have a normal break up ).She deleted her facebook account ( strange cause i do not use facebook and i couldn't control anything) and she removed (not delete tha account )whatsapp app that we used to text ( but she kept all our conversations/she was checking also when i last joined , she confessed me that  ).Afte 4 months of total NC she reappeared to a forum that we used to post ( after that she said that she will never post again , i have the full story in another topic ) to provoce me and made me break the NC .We had again the typical arguments through e-mails (we exchanged 60 in 5 days! ) and i went again NC .She didn't post anything to this forum after all that.2 days ago and 1 month of NC she reinstall viber app and i received her joined msg ( when we were together she installed both whatsapp and viber just to speak with me ).She never blocked or removed me to her phone , she never blocked me to her e-mail accounts , she never gave me the silent treatmnet and always repplied to any form of communication ( mostly with rage  ).She never tried to communicate with me directly(even when it was a possible pregnancy in balance -she told me then that she didn;t know how to tell me).

Is it suspicious that she joined again viber or i am getting paranoid ?

[slimmiller]

IMHO, they work on love and hate. The emotions are very close. The opposite is indifference. Love is not the opposite of hate; indifference is. I'm now heading down the legal route initiated by her. Notwithstanding being 6 weeks out, and NC for  5 days (my fault, i was weak), I know I'll have to see her in depositions and I have to be "cold". If we love or hate, they have us. If we're indifferent they lose. I'm not trying to make it a game, but when your life is on the line its the only way to go. I just hope I can do it when the time comes.

Its abandonment that they fear. So much so that they will adandon us to prevent us from being able to abandon them. They know in essence they are hollow and empty and their biggest fear is that we realize that and will leave them.

They NEED space in our head above all else. Even if we were to scream and yell at them incessantly they still have space in our head and most would probably take that over silence from us. Love and Hate are both emotions that speak to them. Reasoning with them does not connect because they can not relate to logic

The only tool we have to self preserve is NC or LC and that in and of itself speaks louder then anything else to them.

I am LC with mine and any contact is via text or e-mail simply because thats the only way to have a cohesive convo with her and its always about the kids from my end. Often she will say I said this or that or yada yada and I just sent her back a copy of the convo and that ends the discussion. Verbal communication would not give me this advantage

She asks how is so and so or family and I simply do not acknowledge the question. If we did verbal communication any response would illicit another question or silence would put her in a rage. I simply will not play the game with her because shes an emotional and Spiritual bully

[drmrconfused]

I've been NC for almost 4 weeks now. This last time she just said never to contact her again. Lately, however, I have an impression that she is trying to provoke my reaction. At first there were statuses on whatsapp of how happy she is. I did not react. Then there were links to songs about some girl who pretends to be happy but is dying inside. I did not react to this either. Then there was game with changing profile pics every day. She first posted some with various quotes and then one with her back turned and as if she is walking away. At the same time she posted on facebook pics from some excursion with signature "take me away". During our time together we had this messaging app which none of our friends use. I logged to it from another number, of which she is not aware, several times and noticed that she checks several times every day whether I've been online. It is tough and it hurts me seeing her behaviour like this. It is as if she intentionally wants to hurt me.

[Overbeck]

You need to stop checking on her. Make a promise to yourself and keep it. You are making contact.

Bookmark this!

I live in a small town. Just yesterday the BPD ex drove by me when I was on my walk. But I do not go past her house, and when I am on campus of the university in town I avoid walking past her building.

* Avoid social media

* Avoid her street

* Dump acquaintances of his/hers if they are not close friends to you.

* Do NOT ask questions about her.

* And get rid of every photograph, memento and gift the ex ever gave you.


IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE!

[Vexed]

ExBPDgf calls me last night, I don't have the strength to ignore her as she dumped me but I never initiate contact with her.

I sent her a bday card a few weeks ago when I was trying to get her back that she wasn't suppose to open till her bday.  I told her I think you will like the card, she guesses why and I say "youll see when you open it".  She persists and I say why can't you be surprised she says " I just want to see if you'll do what I say, if we were to get back together" what the heck. Now I'm back in the gutter and had just started feeling better.  I hate her.

[Mutt]

This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.

[arn131arn]

Probably the best advice I received was to go No Contact.

Painful... .for me, her, and our son.

But it's better... .life, that is.

Peace and Love,

Arn

[Ventus2ct]

It does get better, its bl**dy hard at times but it does, currently 76 days, do feel even now that I wish to contact her, would love to hear from her still but wouldn't break NC if she did. I feel distance has helped me see some things more clearly, some things that I never noticed have become apparent and I think wftf! The shock of being in such a lowly useless place is getting better but I still think too much about her, although can get the odd few hours when I don't think of her.

Stay strong, push through it, it'll be worth it.

[love2give]

I have taken the breakup with my exBPDgf very hard as well.  It ended in early January and she quickly went into ignoring every single text and email I would send... We dated for a year and a half and just a week before the breakup she was actually talking about having a child together, which would have been her first at 41.

I could not go more than four days without sending an email or text profesing my love for her and trying to convince her we were worth it.  She truely was my first love even though I am in my 40's.

I can understand every one of you who are having trouble staying NC.  This is what finally gave me the strength to go and STAY NC.

I had so many questions about this woman after the breakup.  The only way to really get a few answers was to go back and check her public Facebook posts.  She would often acuse me of being a "facebooker" which was the furthest thing from the truth. In fact after she made this comment a few times I closed my FB account to avoid any more conflict on that topic and I told her all I wanted was her NOT facebook.  She never closed her account as I never really cared.

Well after our breakup you can sort of say I became a "facebooker" in search of some answers.  I quickly realized SHE was the one always on FB and it had been for YEARS.  She commented often on diffrent saying about if someone doesnt respect you give them the "axe" and would actualy LOL about it.  She had hurt many other guys feelings with breakups and was actually laughing about it publicly on FB.  Of course her ex's weren't into FB all that much and most liekly never saw this.

After four months of texting and emailing her at least every four days I came aross another one of her comments on Facebook which she had written about her ex just before she met me.  It was a saying about silence and ignoring someone being a very powerful way of dealing with people.  To this she commented "Silence is a killer I tell ya... Especially for anyone we don't want back in our lives... .It's a killer I tell ya."

That comment from her right there woke up the PRIDE and DIGNITY inside me.  It was Mid April when I read that.  I wrote to her a last email letting her know what could have been for her with the love I had to offer her, wrote abut some of the great times we had and then I ended it by telling that she is right, Silence is a killer but as much as I loved her I will not allow her to kill me.  I wished her well in finding the "perfect" man as eventhough I did EVERYTHING  humanly posible for her, she always had things to point to me that were wrong with me while she of course we perfect.

I told myself enough is enough.  There is no way in hell a sick, disordered, ungrateful, spoiled and rotten 41 year old CHILD will ever get the upper hand on my mind and heart again after she is well aware of how painful ignoring someone is and she was ignoring me.  All of a sudden going past 4 days wasnt so hard anymore.  It is very true, NC gets easier the longer you go.  We live in the same small town and when we cross paths in our cars she practically stops her car to look at me.  I dont even look at her which prompted her to complain to a friend how I ignore her when we see each other.  I let him know that I tried many times to contact her and she ignored me, if I ever speak to her again it will be beause she contacted me as I will NEVER ever try again.  Im worth more than that and so are all of you.  Do I still love her?  I still love who I THOUGHT she was.  She is out there now flirting away with other men and her good looks while I stil suffer quite a bit over what she put me through during and after the relationship. 

I tell myself, for me disordered women like her are a dime a doze to find but for her to find a man with the heart and kindness and love that I had for her and was willing to give to her forever... .GOOD LUCK.  There will be TONS of men that will have some great sex with her hot body, but after a few times, they will kick her to the curb and then she will go back on FB and again complain about how men dont respect her.  Im in more pain than she is right now but the future looks one hell of a lot brighter for me than her.

  She will always be the true "Facebooker"

I wish you all the strength to get past this.

[Split black]

Thank you split black. I am one of those people who want "just one more round". I think by being exposed to his toxicity one more time (of course with the hope of getting the high one more time first- who am I fooling) I will finally have the strength to walk away. But I suppose I am fooling myself.

It is good to read posts like yours, knowing other people have recycled and have nothing but regrets. I have only recycled once (very recently) and I did feel better during it, because it helped me realize that the person I crave so much is not really a person I enjoy hanging out with most of the time. But then when he went silent I started missing him so much. Now we are in the process of reengaging, and I haven't had the strenght to go N/C although I know it's the right thing to do. Partly the delusion I mentioned above, that one more exposure will get me closer to the end keeps me from going N/C.

Looking forward to reading more of your reenforcements

Im no one to judge... .but you are in for a world of hurt and disappointment. With every re-engagement you are accepting whatever abuse he has given you, the message to him is that he can do whatever he wants and you will take whatever he gives.

I know the drill.  

What exactly are you missing? Having your self worth trampled on... .You know you deserve better.  I hope it works out for you but I am pretty sure you are just prolonging your agony. Better to be the leaver with some dignity left... . 

Yes, it feels awful... .it feels so bad that we will do anything to make it stop, including allowing recycling... .but it really has very little to do with him. This horrible feeling is physical and emotional withdrawal. You are going to have to do the hard work, your going to grieve this badly at some point.

There is no escape once you're addicted and accepting crumbs and nonsense.

It will get better. Today was a bad day for me. Like a splinter in my mind... .but I snapped out of it.

[Blimblam]

Wow great thread such a great Idea

I like you ausie kk feel much the same way. Logically I know but there is like part of me hoping.   The reality though is maybe there would be a chance if I played the game and wasn't triggered. I am triggered though and she knows it so there a no point.

I guess the point is I know she will trigger me

[Aussie JJ]

I re-read my journal and write what I am thinking instead of calling.  Let it all out, close the page and then do something selfish. 

[amigo]

I re-read my journal and write what I am thinking instead of calling.  Let it all out, close the page and then do something selfish. 

Thank you for the reply Aussie JJ, I needed that. I have a hard time with the doing something selfish part. I am paralyzed in a way. Feeling like I need to do something bad to myself. Like contact him and let him abuse me mentally and physically (I just mean having sex). As if I am punishing myself for my addiction by doing something self-destructive.

I actually just posted a rant on the "Why can't I walk away" thread. It helped. Unfortunately I texted him first... .and no reply - of course

But yes, once again, the journal, the reminding myself why N/C is the only way to get out of this toxic dance. I've been writing stuff down randomly over the past few months, but I think I need a more organized approach, as in," N/C day one", like people here seem to do.

But I imagine it will be "recycle #2, day one" first, before I get to N/C day one.


Disgusted with myself.