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Author Topic: You lot are scary  (Read 1889 times)
Artimer

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« on: July 17, 2014, 02:53:17 PM »

 Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes, you lot are scary for calling things so accurately! Sat here minding my own business and what happens... .ping... .new text message from exBPDgf. Not even a full week of NC.

And no I've not replied Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2014, 03:19:57 PM »

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) yes, you lot are scary for calling things so accurately! Sat here minding my own business and what happens... .ping... .new text message from exBPDgf. Not even a full week of NC.

And no I've not replied Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

So many stories are similar.   I'm curious as to how you are doing, and where you are in terms of your NC plan.   Any details you care to share?  It helps us all to commiserate.
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Artimer

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« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2014, 04:05:26 PM »

I'm doing surprisingly well. There is a tiny part of me that wants to reply, but I'm crushing it each time it surfaces. Really want to help her get better, but it can never be at the cost of my mental well being. That is what give the strength to maintain NC.

It is summed up in a quote I read while this rollercoaster relationship was in bloom "Never abuse a patient person, because when their patitience runs out, they will never forgive". I had to endure so many accusations of me being childish, stupid, unstable, etc. Had to forgive so many of her actions that hurt me, the lack of gratitude shown for what I invested into the relationship, her, her kids. It has made my heart cold towards any attempt by her to have me in her life again.

I've also met somebody two weeks ago who share my views, morals & values. Still early days, but I am not going to jeapordise something that is looking to be good, with something that I now can see was flawed.
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 09:26:01 AM »

It's a spectrum disorder but there are patterns. I can see patterns in my ex. It takes a while to get to find your zone with not responding where it became second nature without thinking Artimer. I'm 16 months out and on the odd occasion I start replying to something that I shouldn't really engage in and I realize as I'm typing "what's the point?" and simply delete the draft and I don't think about it twice.

The accusations are coming from someone that is emotionally immature and has the emotional equivalent of a small child. Take it for what it is. I'm glad to hear you met someone that matches your moral code and enjoy it for what it is.
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2014, 09:51:52 AM »

I'm 16 months out and on the odd occasion I start replying to something that I shouldn't really engage in and I realize as I'm typing "what's the point?" and simply delete the draft and I don't think about it twice.

I have found that, rather than replying, I will wait until I am alone somewhere quiet where I can't text (say the shower, or the car), and I will "compose" a response in my head with everything I want to say with her.  These compositions last for variable lengths of time, but invariably I reach the point where I say "What's the point?  She's never going to get or accept or agree with any of this?" And the urge to respond is gone.  In the last few days this has been particularly helpful. 

And your attitude is a mature one Artimer: you are moving forward in a way that is healthy for you. 
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Artimer

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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2014, 02:14:49 PM »

I've just gone and done it, broke NC, but strangely enough I don't feel bad that I had. I proved to myself that I am now in control of my feelings, my emotions and my life.

She asked if we are going to be friends and I've agreed because I care for her as a human being. There isn't any other feelings left there and I am confident that I will withstand any manipulation to try and recycle.

My only focus now is enjoying life and having fun on the journey.
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gtrhr
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2014, 02:35:07 PM »

That's good to hear Artimer.  Just be careful of getting baited back in!

I think having a stable option you share values with and can have a real friendship with is great.

backnthsaddle, sometimes I'll compose emails and never hit send because I know they won't get a reply.  Even worse she sometimes will give me, "I agree" and leaves it at that.  Action should follow agreement and it never does, so even no contact anxiety can be better than the anxiety and frustrations of no action.
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Artimer

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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2014, 03:37:43 PM »

That's good to hear Artimer.  Just be careful of getting baited back in!

I think having a stable option you share values with and can have a real friendship with is great.

backnthsaddle, sometimes I'll compose emails and never hit send because I know they won't get a reply.  Even worse she sometimes will give me, "I agree" and leaves it at that.  Action should follow agreement and it never does, so even no contact anxiety can be better than the anxiety and frustrations of no action.

Won't happen. It's a Pandora's box which I will never open and at the same time, I am very happy with the way things are going with the new interest and wouldn't ever jeapordise it. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Artimer

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« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2014, 04:20:40 PM »

Quick update, very little contact beyond the few very general texts. Might be that it is just a case of wanting friendship or am I fooling myself? I know there won't be a magic answer, but I'd have thought if she was trying to recycle then it would be more focused?
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gtrhr
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« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2014, 05:27:19 PM »

It's always been a slippery slope for me to break NC.  There was a time a long time ago where I had no issues maintaining NC with my ex gf for weeks.  Except I left open the possibility she might contact me.  Then she baited me by sending me one photograph.  And for me that undid a lot of progress I made.  All of a sudden that little bait snowballed into something bigger in my mind she must want and the next thing you know I was full bore pursuing that fantasy again.

Maybe it's good to maintain no contact even though you feel strong enough you don't need to.  I think if you are convinced your ex is borderline they can be a toxic person to your life.

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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2014, 10:29:54 AM »

Quick update, very little contact beyond the few very general texts. Might be that it is just a case of wanting friendship or am I fooling myself?

It's always been a slippery slope for me to break NC.  There was a time a long time ago where I had no issues maintaining NC with my ex gf for weeks.  Except I left open the possibility she might contact me.  Then she baited me by sending me one photograph.  And for me that undid a lot of progress I made.  All of a sudden that little bait snowballed into something bigger in my mind she must want and the next thing you know I was full bore pursuing that fantasy again.

Maybe it's good to maintain no contact even though you feel strong enough you don't need to.  I think if you are convinced your ex is borderline they can be a toxic person to your life.

Sadly we can only learn from our own mistakes, but I would second gtrhr's sentiment here.  There's nothing to be gained by proving you can handle contact with her, even if it turns out you can.  There are numerous threads here about "friendship" with our borderline exs, and suffice it to say it is not likely to be a friendship you enjoy.  Most often we are kept around as objects for devaluing, sources of narcissistic supply, or general tools to satisfy needs.  It is very unlikely in any case that this is going to be the kind of mutually invested friendship that you expect in your daily life. 

The fact that you were in a "rollercoaster relationship" with this person has nothing to do with the fact that you were romantically involved.  This is how her relationships are.  Not having any relationship at all is probably what's best for your health. 
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Artimer

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« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2014, 01:56:52 PM »

Sadly we can only learn from our own mistakes, but I would second gtrhr's sentiment here.  There's nothing to be gained by proving you can handle contact with her, even if it turns out you can.  There are numerous threads here about "friendship" with our borderline exs, and suffice it to say it is not likely to be a friendship you enjoy.  Most often we are kept around as objects for devaluing, sources of narcissistic supply, or general tools to satisfy needs.  It is very unlikely in any case that this is going to be the kind of mutually invested friendship that you expect in your daily life. 

The fact that you were in a "rollercoaster relationship" with this person has nothing to do with the fact that you were romantically involved.  This is how her relationships are.  Not having any relationship at all is probably what's best for your health. 

You are right! Nothing good can come of a "friendship". In hindsight, I will only ever be the person she turns to in order to get an ego boost, or when the crap hits the fan and she needs somebody to help her out. Think I'll just go back to NC and leave it at that - she will eventually realise that I'm not going to be sucked into her world.
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christoff522
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« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2014, 02:24:47 PM »

Quick update, very little contact beyond the few very general texts. Might be that it is just a case of wanting friendship or am I fooling myself? I know there won't be a magic answer, but I'd have thought if she was trying to recycle then it would be more focused?

Okay brother, you're a bit confused.

I don't know your story really so I don't want to speak more than I should. However from my experience, when they say they 'want friendship' it means one of two things. They're keeping you 'in the loop', allowing them from time to time to increase and decrease commitment, whilst getting emotional support from you. Or they want to move on but don't want you to reject them, so they will go completely quiet and then, may... .may... .come back if theres no one else around when they're lonely.

The best thing you can do is kill the relationship.

The BPD's best weapon is time, if a relationship has gone sour in their mind they will simply wait it out until you're over the emotional upset - they way when they do come back you'll greet them with a smile. If they recycle they don't just do it straight away cos they'll have to deal with your resentment - something an emotionally immature person can't do. Of course if they can manipulate you well enough they'll simply make you the one to blame.

You need to be careful, if you ended it... then they will hang around due to being upset about rejection, they will ALWAYS get revenge.

If they ended it then its over, and you will be nothing more than an orbiter, if you try to keep the relationship alive (something i did) you become a creep and are told to eff off. BPDs are nothing more than kids - you cannot reason, they cannot empathise with you! They are the most important person in their world. They're the product of a society of consumerism, the 'me me me' idea that you always get what YOU want, you are your own god, couple that with resentment over childhood neglect and you have borderline narcissism.

You won't win, and the more you stay in contact the more hurt you will get. Either way it will never go back to how it was... ever. Your relationship is dead.
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Artimer

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« Reply #13 on: July 20, 2014, 03:30:03 PM »

I get what you're saying. It's the way I was brought up, always see the good in others, etc. Therefore I didn't see the danger signs of "being friends" with a BPDex. I certainly won't hang around for crumbs as I've now started seeing somebody who is interested in me and reciprocates everything.

The ex will never know it, but I do wish she gets the help she needs and breaks out of it all. For the sake of herself & her kids.
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Artimer

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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2014, 12:28:42 PM »

Today the remaining remnants of any feelings fell away when I saw exactly how everything on this valuable site and advice from everybody proved true beyond any shadow of a doubt. I simply can't be bothered with wasting time with thinking about somebody who's only used me, and who want to keep me around to prop her up when she needs an ego boost.
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2014, 01:45:07 PM »

Today the remaining remnants of any feelings fell away when I saw exactly how everything on this valuable site and advice from everybody proved true beyond any shadow of a doubt. I simply can't be bothered with wasting time with thinking about somebody who's only used me, and who want to keep me around to prop her up when she needs an ego boost.

I was just saying this earlier today, but I continue to be amazed at how much of my dignity I sacrificed on someone who basically, at least at the end, just used me to prop her up as you describe.  I think it takes NC/LC and the distance that provides just to see the way we are treating ourselves sometimes.  You are doing the right thing. 
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2014, 01:50:02 PM »

I get what you're sayin It's the way I was brought up, always see the good in others, etc.g. Therefore I didn't see the danger signs of "being friends" with a BPDex. I certainly won't hang around for crumbs as I've now started seeing somebody who is interested in me and reciprocates everything.

That, good sir, is EXACTLY why they choose us. We fit the role that they need in order to abuse.

It pisses me off to no end but I now realize that my exBPD chose me because most guys she 'could' have chosen would never for one second put up with the Hell she caused me. Do I feel used? You bet I do and Im mad too. That is what finally made me put up boundaries and put an end to her using me

Because for one thing, I deserve better and so do you! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Artimer

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« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2014, 04:56:12 PM »

Slim, you are right, we deserve to be treated with respect & dignity. I've removed all avenues for her to contact me now and I doubt she will turn up at my house.
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christoff522
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« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2014, 05:08:51 PM »

I get what you're sayin It's the way I was brought up, always see the good in others, etc.g. Therefore I didn't see the danger signs of "being friends" with a BPDex. I certainly won't hang around for crumbs as I've now started seeing somebody who is interested in me and reciprocates everything.

That, good sir, is EXACTLY why they choose us. We fit the role that they need in order to abuse.

It pisses me off to no end but I now realize that my exBPD chose me because most guys she 'could' have chosen would never for one second put up with the Hell she caused me. Do I feel used? You bet I do and Im mad too. That is what finally made me put up boundaries and put an end to her using me

Because for one thing, I deserve better and so do you! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yep this is true, I was worried she would meet someone really fast and I would be left with nothing, then she went back to her ex, which lasted less than two months before he went NC (at least he's blocked her on fb, and before I blocked him a couple days ago she still hadn't been re-added).  I resolved to go full NC, basically blocking her and anything associated with her, theres not a soul sniffing round her. I can't actually believe it, shes really really beautiful, but she's alone. So yeah,  amazingly it does seem that most guys simply look at her and how she acts and find her annoying. When I first met her I asked other guys where I work what they thought about her, me utterly head over heels, they said "annoying, a bit mental" - that sort sort of thing. It seems there is a personality type that finds that attractive, mainly kind-hearted, compassionate, lonely guys. Of course there is the narcissist that sees BPDs as something exploit (no thats not you, we all end up playing games by the end - transferrence and projection etc) but if we're here on this forum we're not narcissists.

This past few months have been a revelation, finding this site is a big help, its so nice to put down my thoughts every now and again.

Remain NC, and if you struggle Artimer, put up a thread in this section.
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« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2014, 05:47:18 PM »

Christoff I think the annoying aspect is hpd traits.  I can not stand hpd traits.  There are BPD with no hpd traits that appear sweet and kind and demure like Cinderella.  Full of positive traits hard working humble compassionate but with low self esteem. 

My most recent ex the first impression most people that knew her thought she was shy but the sweetest kindest most generous girl with great listening skills and a gentle heart.

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christoff522
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« Reply #20 on: July 26, 2014, 06:45:41 AM »

Christoff I think the annoying aspect is hpd traits.  I can not stand hpd traits.  There are BPD with no hpd traits that appear sweet and kind and demure like Cinderella.  Full of positive traits hard working humble compassionate but with low self esteem. 

My most recent ex the first impression most people that knew her thought she was shy but the sweetest kindest most generous girl with great listening skills and a gentle heart.

Would HPD basically be the attention seeking stuff? The 'woe is me' 'give me attention'. See I was under the impression that that was basically BPD, coupled with severe emotional instability, and a massive sense of narcissistic entitlement.

I like your positivity! I went on my karaoke site last night, decided to see if she'd uploaded any songs. She'd uploaded one of my favourite songs, and wrote about how "bloody angry" she was and how she'd had "tears when i sang this, probably why it's crap". I clicked follow for some reason (I'd unfollowed her a while ago because I didn't want to give her any reason to think I was still interested, cos I ain't), and within about an hour she'd deleted the song.

Thats definitely HPD, I mean, why would any human being go onto a karaoke website and upload songs, with a massive tome saying how miserable and upset you are? It's not normal.
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