Why is it that BPD's don't grow and change yet "regular" people learn and grow? And why do I think my ex will be the exception and suddenly change?
2.5 months NC. Going a little crazy. Definitely fantasize about being with her more and more frequently. I really do want to unblock her.
Zen, Im sorry for your internal pain in missing your ex. This is not easy work nor for the light hearted. We are with you on this.
Why dont they change? Well, have you thought about a reason that they should?
When your emotional intelligence is that of a three year old, the resultant behaviors are satisfactory to that three year old.
Sometimes I think having BPD isn't that bad after all. What would it feel like to remain in a fantasy state of mind whereby you acquire r/s partner (toy) after r/s partner (toy) whom you require heaps of love and attention-that is joyfully given in spades. But when that three year tires of that toy, it is put up on a shelf, forgotten about, and thru tantrums and lashing outs and immature actions of "needing" more, is rewarded with a shiny brand new toy.
Play with the new toy, break it just like you did the old one in the same exact way, so better put that up on the shelf and take the one you broke a few months ago down off the shelf to play with for a few days.
Tire of the fact that the toy is broken and would take a bit of effort to fix, so discard that one too. All the while gaining tons of new friends who think you are a wonderful little child for being so attentive and well behaved and look at that toy box!
Uh oh, the grown ups in your life are starting to require you take accountability for all these broken toys and the tantrums and the acts of selfish behavior... .So, better do something about this... .maybe, threaten to maybe end your life.
Whats there to change for? The toy box and the playground are chuck full of new toys and the helpers always help me to feel safe.
Do you really think their lives are easy. Would you exchange worlds with your ex for a heartbeat?
The essence of their existence is the living terrors of the nightmare existence of a perpetually traumatized three year old. A pwBPD lives in constant terror at a level that if you and I experienced it, we would probably go mad in a instant.
They have limited capacity to deal with a world where they know they are different, and they know that are limited, but they don't really know why or how they are limited. They only have the emotional tools of a fcked up three year old trying to find adult love. But they can't. They don't know the difference between want and need. They don't know how to love.
So all they can do is survive.
And they do not discard us like a child with a new toy. They flee in terror like a belt-whipped three-year old girl would run from her drunken father who also spends much his time with his hands up her skirt. The discarded toy analogy is more appropriate for pwNPD, but that is not this Board.
This is the essence of a pwBPD is poor sense-of-self, combined with constant shame and terror, with no capacity to address the issues. There is nothing to envy.
About half of pwBPD will attempt to commit suicide. Many end up as homeless, or in mental institutions, or jail. A significant percentage of the street walking prostitutes of both sexes are pwBPD. Just look into the eyes of some homeless men or women on the streets, and I'll bet my retirement that you'll find your ex in there.
And what does a pwBPD have to look forward to in the long run? What? Inevitably, they eventually will collapse into themselves into abject hatred and shame. Lonely cat ladies or mean old men without any friends or connection. Only hatred and anger remain. Even if they find a partner who can't leave, the only part of the connection that survives is hatred and contempt. Name a single pwBPD who has reached old age and you've said, wow that person has a great life and attitude.
Understanding the Disorder is one of my cornerstones to depersonalizing the interaction and the damage from the Disorder.
Tausk, let me be very clear. there is nothing to envy. i do not envy bppd, or any disordered groupings of people inherently lacking empathy, including pNPD. which i believe in my experience held a very clear and very obvious overlapping.
and i most certainly, like the majority here, am becoming a de facto walking talking quasi student of a disorder that i never wanted to be a scholar of. look around the subject topics on this board alone. i believe that we all see an incredibly devoted group of people left reeling from a r/s they entered by heart. doing hard work to understand a disorder that we do not have.
i surely am using tools, therapy, meditations, mindfulness, exercise, EMDR, trigger avoidance, prayer, support groups, empathy, education, forgiveness, and intellect to gain understand of the destruction i was delivered and left with as a reward for being genuinely and fully caring of a disordered other. for my core issues as well.
do I wish I were my ex? yes, on somedays i do. for i am doing heart wrenching debilitating work and i am doing it alone. while he is doing none and continuing to hurt innocent others. including me.
there are days i wish i could dissociate to that degree. and i do feel like a toy. and, he does have a new toy. and he does get away with much. for you see tausk, not every pBPD is alike as we well know but the pBPD that i interacted with is nowhere near the cat lady or street man. he is grandiose. i feel like the street person as the entire goodness of my being has been drained by this interaction. i have fallen down 53 times and gotten up 54, and i am still here. by the grace of god. reconstructing, while continually using my new found education to depersonalize actions delivered in hurtful and great ways.
if i had a dollar for every minute i spent in understanding with full compassion and great empathy combined with hard and true initiative to support this person, to love this person. and get this person help, i would donate the millions i earned to this site. to more research. to those cat ladies and those street homeless.
but, i am working on getting up 54+1 while doing damage control of a lot.
do i empathize and do i wish to fully detach with full depersonalizing of the interaction and the damage from the disorder? every waking moment of the day.
I admire you are there. sincerely. wholly. wait for me there. please.
Cared, you put words to my situation perfectly! I'm so sorry you've gone through it, but I understand... . I wish I had a teleporter that I could simply step in and be done with this situation for good... .I wish for it daily... .But here I am, dealing, coping, trying to have that final piece of bad behavior that will make me value myself enough to say, "what the?"... .Yet here I am. But don't really wanna be.
Anyways... .You have a talent with writing. You should write a book.