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Author Topic: HUGE setback today... need help  (Read 355 times)
x1985x

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32



« on: August 08, 2014, 09:21:29 PM »

I am currently LC with my uBPDexgf, I have some belongings in her home (drumset, bikes, larger things I can't fit at my apartment. She has been nice enough to store them for me to avoid storage unit costs) and I want to be friendly, so she won't destroy my stuff or sell it basically. She usually texts/emails every week, just to say hello, wishing me well, basic friendly stuff. Well, it's been about three weeks, today I caved, I was having a really hard day and I shot myself in the face (not the foot).

I told her that it's been a really hard day, she asked what was wrong. I told her that I'm sorry, that I know it's not her problem, but I told her that everything reminds me of her lately, that I just know in my heart that nobody on Earth could love her the way I did. I told her I knew I shouldn't be saying such things, but that I'm terrible with matters of the heart like these. I told her that I am fine on most days, that I will be fine and not to worry.

She was really nice. She said she will always care about me, that she hopes I have been doing well. She said I should call her tomorrow if I want to talk about whatever was on my mind. The last thing I said was... ."No, that's alright. I appreciate you very much for being so nice, but I have to stay strong. I have a long life ahead of me."

And, the worst part, is that is true. I have a really long life ahead of me, working through these wounds, where as she can just go out and party all the time, hookup with new people, make tons of new friends, and act like she is a new woman after breaking my heart. We were together for six years, living together the entire time. We have been each other's longest relationship BY FAR. I know that there has never been a deeper connection in her life than me, and the reverse is also true. It just hurts so much sometimes, being thrown away, then hearing from mutual friends how much fun she is having, how many new guys she's seeing, everything.

Here's the thing though, I've been doing extremely well on my own. I realize how toxic that connection was. I don't really want to be back with her, it was pure hell. There was no real intimacy, no communication, it was basically just constant sex and that's about it. She always blamed me for everything and would never admit she has a problem, even though I'm sure she's BPD, it's her, without a doubt.

I can't understand why I said those things. In a day or two I'll be back to feeling happy to be rid of her and I'll be glad it's over. Why did I open up like that? Why did I give her an ego boost when I truly know how damaged and toxic she is?

It's been weeks since I had a day like today, I guess I'm due... .

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Turkish
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2014, 12:03:19 AM »

It's really hurtful to be discarded cruelly like that. Is it like you feel she's gotten off scott free and you're left with all of the pain?

It's confusing and painful when they rengage like that. Three weeks ago, my Ex asked me in person, "so how are you doing?" As if she wants to "rescue" me when the source of my pain is her. I deflected, despite part of me wanting to cry out, "are you kidding me?" She did that when we were still living together, but she was with my replacement (we have two kids, it took me 4 months to get her out). It's a dissociation from reality.

Excerpt
The last thing I said was... ."No, that's alright. I appreciate you very much for being so nice, but I have to stay strong. I have a long life ahead of me."

It sounds like you were looking for validation. Does this sound like FOG on your part?

We nons are certainly capable of it. Being split black, we look for closure and understanding. We were in the Validator role in our relationships, however. Looking for validation from an invalidating partner, no matter how much we need it, seems to be a losing battle.

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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Hope0807
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing & Living Apart
Posts: 417



« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2014, 12:15:37 AM »

Dear x1985x,

You had a setback because you are mentally stable and loved with your heart, genuinely.  Give yourself a pat on the back for your awareness of the reality of the toxicity that relationship brought.  I share your pain.  I gave my uBPDxH the most stable 7 years of his life and loved him like no one else ever will.  Unfortunately, the love a BPD delivers is an mere illusion to the non-BPD.  Moment by moment, breath by breath, day by day…we will heal.  We will be whole.  THEY will never be, it has nothing to do with us, and we are not the cause of their unhappiness.  True love and emotional stability has eluded them since the beginning of their lives and their emotions and relations to the world will remain forever fractured.  Heal and save yourself.  You can be whole again if you work at it.  I'm working too:)  Sleep well tonight.


I am currently LC with my uBPDexgf, I have some belongings in her home (drumset, bikes, larger things I can't fit at my apartment. She has been nice enough to store them for me to avoid storage unit costs) and I want to be friendly, so she won't destroy my stuff or sell it basically. She usually texts/emails every week, just to say hello, wishing me well, basic friendly stuff. Well, it's been about three weeks, today I caved, I was having a really hard day and I shot myself in the face (not the foot).

I told her that it's been a really hard day, she asked what was wrong. I told her that I'm sorry, that I know it's not her problem, but I told her that everything reminds me of her lately, that I just know in my heart that nobody on Earth could love her the way I did. I told her I knew I shouldn't be saying such things, but that I'm terrible with matters of the heart like these. I told her that I am fine on most days, that I will be fine and not to worry.

She was really nice. She said she will always care about me, that she hopes I have been doing well. She said I should call her tomorrow if I want to talk about whatever was on my mind. The last thing I said was... ."No, that's alright. I appreciate you very much for being so nice, but I have to stay strong. I have a long life ahead of me."

And, the worst part, is that is true. I have a really long life ahead of me, working through these wounds, where as she can just go out and party all the time, hookup with new people, make tons of new friends, and act like she is a new woman after breaking my heart. We were together for six years, living together the entire time. We have been each other's longest relationship BY FAR. I know that there has never been a deeper connection in her life than me, and the reverse is also true. It just hurts so much sometimes, being thrown away, then hearing from mutual friends how much fun she is having, how many new guys she's seeing, everything.

Here's the thing though, I've been doing extremely well on my own. I realize how toxic that connection was. I don't really want to be back with her, it was pure hell. There was no real intimacy, no communication, it was basically just constant sex and that's about it. She always blamed me for everything and would never admit she has a problem, even though I'm sure she's BPD, it's her, without a doubt.

I can't understand why I said those things. In a day or two I'll be back to feeling happy to be rid of her and I'll be glad it's over. Why did I open up like that? Why did I give her an ego boost when I truly know how damaged and toxic she is?

It's been weeks since I had a day like today, I guess I'm due... .

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myself
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Posts: 3151


« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2014, 01:02:02 AM »

Tausk is right.  I've even called in a favor elsewhere to be done with something with someone. Paid the extra cost/went in debt. Worked to cover it. To be done. You admit you're leaving your belongings in her hands. That it's toxic to share your life with her. You'll have even less bad days like today if you pull up stakes from her and let go (I say, also saying this to myself about what I'm going through and also letting go of). It's that stuff we're hanging onto that we feel to express. When we've let it go, we'll be done.
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x1985x

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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32



« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2014, 07:28:47 AM »

Thanks for the responses guys, they really help.

Living together for over six years, I acquired so many things, my entire life was in that house. They are kept safe, in a giant closet, which has a key lock, to which I hold the only key. She said she would be happy to let me use it for as long as I need to, she said she was partly to blame because she had given me so many large gifts over the years and then wanted me to leave, it was only fair that she let me keep them there until I can retrieve them. It's a lot of stuff guys, like 5 bicycles and enough parts for 5 more, a giant drum set ( which I would die before I sold, it's worth several thousand bucks and I love it dearly), about 100 pairs of shoes, many many shirts and jackets, about 1000 DVDs, video games, you name it. It's most of my life. When I left, I took a few bins full of clothing and one bicycle, as I have no car right now. I commute to work on my bike close by. She lives about 40 miles away.

I could probably afford a storage unit and frankly my things are really the only reason we make contact. I know that we can never work out and I am not trying to maintain a connection this way, it was all her idea and I accepted because I was kinda broke at the time, since I got a new job and have been working the past few months I am in a better place financially. I have just rationalized that being friendly and LC with her is better than having to lose $20,000 worth of belongings give or take. It has been fine, she has me painted white it seems, always friendly, we never discuss the relationship. It's always me that takes it to that level, this is the second time in about two months I've said these same things to her.

I'm just not nearly as healed as I want to believe sometimes. I really do have great days 90% of the time. I can make it on my own and I know that. I know that being high and drunk all the time like she is isn't the life for me. I know the shallow connections and friendships she maintains are about her need for supply and attention. I know that she can't bring anyone real happiness, or have it brought to her. I KNOW all these things.

Yet, I've done what I've done, for no other reason than loneliness and heartbreak.
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Dutched
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2014, 03:51:18 PM »

You have been given very good advices!

You KNOW you can't hang around, it doesn't work!

So get your stuff stored elsewhere!

No excuses as, but, maybe, if, someday, etc.!

Get it out, it is for you, your health, your live ahead

Wishing you much strenght!
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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
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