What's the worst part for you?

[qwaszx]

For me it's giving up, I feel like giving up in the hope that she can't change even if she's wanted to is the worst part in all of this... "the illness always wins" i know is made for us to see the rational acceptance of this disorder, for us to let go and move on, I just want to believe there is hope for everyone, that this label isn't the end, I would understand if she ended it, it's horrible... .and there's nothing she can do about it, nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do, other then support them... I really miss her. I wish there was more we could do...

[fromheeltoheal]

For me it's giving up

It was giving up for me too, letting go of that 'dream come true', that fantasy, that perfect union.  I held onto it for a long time, long after the abuse and disrespect started, because I didn't want to let it go, and when I finally did, a while after I left her, it was heart wrenching.  But the good news?  Those feelings were pure and they were real for me, and the fact they didn't exist between us was actually good, because I can take them with me.  Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

[elessar]

Feeling that I spent last 10-14 years dreaming about a girl who didn't turn out to be nor treat me the way a human should be treated. Since she is the only girl I have loved, your first love and only person you have been with turning out to be like this sucks. Secondly, her replacing me with a guy on the day she was idealizing me. From afternoon to evening, she went from wanting to marry me to accepting his marriage proposal. Finally, knowing that she isn't a bad human being. She wasn't like this in school or college (although didn't know her intimately till final year of college). But she gave me a closure after college in a respectful manner. Knowing this good person is a BPD because of past sexual abuse, current abusive parents... .whom she worships and is enmeshed with... .and never left the home to get treatment... .all three things make it a horrible feeling.

[woofhound]

The worst for me was opening up completely, opening my ego, showing her what was behind my wall (all things she asked me to do) only to get cheated on immediately after. It destroyed my ego, and my ideals concerning trust. Time to rebuild.

[Blimblam]

The timing... .

The interaction has turned into an all consuming spiritual awakening for me which is actually pretty amazing in every sense. The timing though is terrible I was not prepared for any of this nor did I expect it. The financial losses and loss of reputation and status for going through this when I did.

[elessar]

For me it's giving up

Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

You know, I was in group therapy for a few months last summer and my complaint was... .I just don't feel like this doing again for another girl. Its just too much work, too much emotions, too much investment. And I am afraid I won't survive another break up like this. So I really respect that you haven't given up on being the same person for a right girl

[fromheeltoheal]

For me it's giving up

Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

You know, I was in group therapy for a few months last summer and my complaint was... .I just don't feel like this doing again for another girl. Its just too much work, too much emotions, too much investment. And I am afraid I won't survive another break up like this. So I really respect that you haven't given up on being the same person for a right girl

I don't feel like going through borderline hell again either, but I do feel like having an amazing love affair, so how?  By staying present and aware, keeping our boundaries up, and having zero tolerance for bullsht.  Real love is a slow burn, takes time and experiences together to build, and at this point would we really be susceptible to someone coming on way too strong all creepy-like?  I don't think I would be, and have already sent a couple of women on their way, because my red flag meter was pinging and I didn't ignore it.  Might be overshooting a little, but so what, we need to overshoot to find the line.

We can't find true bliss in a relationship without being vulnerable.  Of course it's risky, but great rewards always are; it's just about not being stupid and becoming vulnerable at a reasonable pace with the right person, and we won't know if it's the right person or not until we go down that path a little.  If I'd had that much awareness with my ex, we never would have gotten off the ground to begin with.  Live and learn.  And love.  We're made for it.

[Pingo]

For me the hardest part was deciding to end the relationship, giving up and facing the grief that is at times unbearable.  The worst part now is realising how much of myself I have lost and how much of myself I had tied up in him... .I feel so empty sometimes and it scares me, wondering where I am going, what I should do next.

[NorthLight]

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

[woofhound]

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

Ditto, my friend. Sucks to chalk it up as a loss... .I know it does for me, but on the other hand, consider yourself well armed for the future and that much wiser.

Wishing you the best,

Woofhound

[camuse]

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Letting go of the false words is so tough, but in the end you have no option. And then it does slowly get better with time. I don't think you can underestimate the battering you experience when you realise it was all make believe.

For me there are two things outstanding - one, same as you, that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist.

The second is shallow - I grieve for the sex. It was fake, acted, mirroring, but I didn't know that at the time - knowing I will never have sex like that again if hard to accept, and harder still knowing that right now the replacement is enjoying those amazing moments.

It's all so hard. But each day the sadness fades a little and I feel small fleeting moments of hope. I believe deep down, that this horrific nightmare will end up being the making of me. I hit the bottom, and it was so easy just to give up - the mountain to climb was so high. But I'm climbing it slowly, slipping on the way, but making it up - and at the top is a better, wiser, happier, stronger me. One day I will thank her for her hard, harsh lesson.

[pieceofme]

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

Ditto, my friend. Sucks to chalk it up as a loss... .I know it does for me, but on the other hand, consider yourself well armed for the future and that much wiser.

Wishing you the best,

Woofhound

same for me. i mourn the life i thought we were going to have... .the life i thought we wanted together. i think the hardest part for me is i believed all the sweet promises he made me. two days ago he begged me for another chance, to prove himself and his loyalty to me, that he would do anything to make our dreams come true. last night he proclaimed i can't give him the future he deserves and broke up with me for the second time. or maybe it's the third. i can't keep up anymore.

what is that quote? they say dreams come true, but nightmares are dreams, too.

[Pingo]

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Letting go of the false words is so tough, but in the end you have no option. And then it does slowly get better with time. I don't think you can underestimate the battering you experience when you realise it was all make believe.

For me there are two things outstanding - one, same as you, that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist.

The second is shallow - I grieve for the sex. It was fake, acted, mirroring, but I didn't know that at the time - knowing I will never have sex like that again if hard to accept, and harder still knowing that right now the replacement is enjoying those amazing moments.

It's all so hard. But each day the sadness fades a little and I feel small fleeting moments of hope. I believe deep down, that this horrific nightmare will end up being the making of me. I hit the bottom, and it was so easy just to give up - the mountain to climb was so high. But I'm climbing it slowly, slipping on the way, but making it up - and at the top is a better, wiser, happier, stronger me. One day I will thank her for her hard, harsh lesson.

I just wanted to say that I have been in other relationships that weren't with a BPD and although I don't think I ever experienced such intensity before, there is love that makes you feel safe and loved and adored out there for you again and it is based on real intimacy instead of the fake stuff we've experienced, based on someone really seeing you.  And when a healthy person really sees you and you experience that real intimacy, the sex is genuine and based on wanting to share something wonderful together.  Don't give up on it, as you become healthier you will invite healthier people into your life. 

[martymcfly5]

Being a same-sex friend of the uBPD, the worse part was discovering that all of her idealizing, devaluing thoughts and rageful behaviors towards me were rooted in a mental illness. I remember the first day of discovering BPD and it felt like a riptide of pity had washed me out to sea. The thought that my best friend was mentally ill just brought upon a sadness I never knew. I'm the one who has a solution, or a prayer to offer up for any 'problem'. The good part is that there was an explanation and a 'name' for it. That allowed me to learn as much as I could about BPD, which led to my own understanding of myself, my needs and knowing I can't fix 'this'. Boards like this were a great help throughout the process including the ending of the friendship and remaining NC.

[Bak86]

The hardest thing for me is letting her go... .I sometimes feel like a stalker, even though i don't contact her anymore. I think about her day and night. Sometimes it's feelings of hate, because she made me insecure and an emotional mess, but sometimes i think of the good times we had together and that makes me really really sad. She was a really good person(she still is to the outside world). We could cuddle all night long and talk about everything and she made me feel understood. We had such a great connection. At the moment i just don't think i will ever find a connection like that again and that makes me depressed.

[jess2014]

For me it's giving up

I feel your pain ... .I am feeling much the same, however I know I can love again and trust again, next time I will make sure the person does not take over my life and control me the way she did. I am working hard on mindfulness and building friendships that I hope are lasting and will keep me safe.

Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

You know, I was in group therapy for a few months last summer and my complaint was... .I just don't feel like this doing again for another girl. Its just too much work, too much emotions, too much investment. And I am afraid I won't survive another break up like this. So I really respect that you haven't given up on being the same person for a right girl

[jess2014]

The hardest thing for me is letting her go... .I sometimes feel like a stalker, even though i don't contact her anymore. I think about her day and night. Sometimes it's feelings of hate, because she made me insecure and an emotional mess, but sometimes i think of the good times we had together and that makes me really really sad. She was a really good person(she still is to the outside world). We could cuddle all night long and talk about everything and she made me feel understood. We had such a great connection. At the moment i just don't think i will ever find a connection like that again and that makes me depressed.

I feel the same way at times - however I know that if I can give the time and energy, not forgetting love that I gave her, I know that I can give it again in a more aware way. we have created an attachment which will take time to break free from. give yourself time.

[camuse]

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Letting go of the false words is so tough, but in the end you have no option. And then it does slowly get better with time. I don't think you can underestimate the battering you experience when you realise it was all make believe.

For me there are two things outstanding - one, same as you, that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist.

The second is shallow - I grieve for the sex. It was fake, acted, mirroring, but I didn't know that at the time - knowing I will never have sex like that again if hard to accept, and harder still knowing that right now the replacement is enjoying those amazing moments.

It's all so hard. But each day the sadness fades a little and I feel small fleeting moments of hope. I believe deep down, that this horrific nightmare will end up being the making of me. I hit the bottom, and it was so easy just to give up - the mountain to climb was so high. But I'm climbing it slowly, slipping on the way, but making it up - and at the top is a better, wiser, happier, stronger me. One day I will thank her for her hard, harsh lesson.

I just wanted to say that I have been in other relationships that weren't with a BPD and although I don't think I ever experienced such intensity before, there is love that makes you feel safe and loved and adored out there for you again and it is based on real intimacy instead of the fake stuff we've experienced, based on someone really seeing you.  And when a healthy person really sees you and you experience that real intimacy, the sex is genuine and based on wanting to share something wonderful together.  Don't give up on it, as you become healthier you will invite healthier people into your life. 

Thank you for your words of hope   

[stove monkey]

I'm right at the beginning of leaving/divorcing. I mean I got kicked out last Sunday, uBPDw 22 years, called the police on me and everything.

The hardest part for me in the cycle is the part I'm dealing with now.

I can handle the crap, just last night she told me "I regret ever having met you" and many many more horrible things and accusations.

Today the cycle has moved to the part where she is helpless, she needs me, please come home, we didn't give God a chance. The helplessness (which is genuine right now) eats me up.

I hope I have the strength to stay away for good this time.

[myself]

The worst has been that she was abused as a child.

And then she abuses people, too. Keeping the patterns going.

[MommaBear]

For me, it's the new personality he's developed to mirror the replacement.

I now have no idea who I'm leaving my child with when he has custody. The only thing that's been consistent is his hatred for me.

No matter how hard leaving, feeling used, feeling foolish, or anything else was (and still is) for me, the worst of it is leaving my child with a total stranger who reserves the most vile hatred for me, and will not communicate with me about our child.

I am, quite literally, terrified.

[Hopeless777]

I'm right at the beginning of leaving/divorcing. I mean I got kicked out last Sunday, uBPDw 22 years, called the police on me and everything.

The hardest part for me in the cycle is the part I'm dealing with now.

I can handle the crap, just last night she told me "I regret ever having met you" and many many more horrible things and accusations.

Today the cycle has moved to the part where she is helpless, she needs me, please come home, we didn't give God a chance. The helplessness (which is genuine right now) eats me up.

I hope I have the strength to stay away for good this time.

Stove Monkey, my BPDw got arrested for domestic violence on me (she called the police) and I got her out of it. Three recycles and her violence kept escalating. She demanded I leave and divorce her (like 50 times she said it.) I finally left and its been 2.5 months out, 6 weeks NC. Now just lawyers. I don't believe I abandoned/deserted her. I finally gave in because the personal risks were becoming too high. If your wife is a true BPD, don't believe a word she says to get you to come back. Every recycle is worse. It got to the point for me that I knew she's throw herself down the stairs and call the police and say I beat her up. The disorder is evil. She may not be evil, but she does evil things. God can forgive and forget, I can't. Maybe someday when life is better I will.

[Blimblam]

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

[Mr Hollande]

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

I identify with that. I remember one occasion near the end after a session of gaslighting. I was in despair and I said to her "Why do you think so badly of me? I'm the one who loves you. This is me, the one you've been with for 5 years. You know me. You know I've had pain in my life too. You know I'm hurting too. I'm standing here right in front of you. Vulnerable and exposed.".

That made her listen but only for so long. It didn't stop the inevitable.

[woofhound]

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

I identify with that. I remember one occasion near the end after a session of gaslighting. I was in despair and I said to her "Why do you think so badly of me? I'm the one who loves you. This is me, the one you've been with for 5 years. You know me. You know I've had pain in my life too. You know I'm hurting too. I'm standing here right in front of you. Vulnerable and exposed.".

That made her listen but only for so long. It didn't stop the inevitable.

Man, that hit home for me. The last day I ever saw my exuBPD she came over with a distant look in her eyes to "cuddle". We had been texting happily all day about being excited to see each other before she went to work. She picked a fight with me about something that had happened previously. I apologized stating that I loved her and reminding her that only a couple of days before we had promised each other to be open and honest when a problem occurs... to remind each other that we would work as a team. So I say "(her name), I love you and i'm sorry my actions hurt your feelings. We are a team and together because we love each other."

She stormed out the door and I haven't seen her since. Its been 4 weeks I think. I'm not counting the days anymore. I'm done hanging onto her every action and word.

[Mr Hollande]

Makes me think they were driven away by our love more than anything else.

A line from a song by the band Placebo goes: "every time you vent your spleen you never see the lonely me at all".

[fromheeltoheal]

That who I was became invisible to her.

That aspect makes me even more amazed at the strength of the disorder.  Someone with it has developed mental tools so strong that they can eliminate, erase, compartmentalize, whatever it is they do, someone from their consciousness so completely that they no longer exist.  Amazing.  The lack of object constancy helps, I'm sure, and you know in the quiet times we pop into their heads once in awhile, just to be stuffed back down or whatever, but all of that just underlines how extreme some of our exes are disordered, what we were up against, and it helps me accept the mental illness for what it is, regardless of what used to come out of that pretty face and those bright eyes, accept that facade as the fiction it was.

[willy45]

Having constant contact from her. Not knowing why she is contacting me and trying to constantly make sense of it in my head. Trying to sort out why I am still involved emotionally and mentally in something I know is terrible for me. Losing my sense of who I am and what is important. Having all my friends think I am crazy.

[kc sunshine]

The silence is terrible (though I guess it's better than the fighting), also the thought that she is so bitterly angry with me.

The thing that is hardest though is the thought that the disease was more powerful than our love, and that even though we knew about it and tried to have strategies for it, it still totally kicked our butts.  :'(   

[NorthLight]

I just wanted to say that I have been in other relationships that weren't with a BPD and although I don't think I ever experienced such intensity before, there is love that makes you feel safe and loved and adored out there for you again and it is based on real intimacy instead of the fake stuff we've experienced, based on someone really seeing you.  And when a healthy person really sees you and you experience that real intimacy, the sex is genuine and based on wanting to share something wonderful together.  Don't give up on it, as you become healthier you will invite healthier people into your life. 

Thank you for replies camuse, woofhound and pieceofme. I wish the best for all of you!

And a reply to you pingo: Wise words my friend. I also need to believe that, or else I have nothing to live for.

We might not feel the intense BPD-relationship love in the future, but we can find a grown up NORMAL person and feel a mutual love that is based on 2 adults that wants the best for each other! Not this "take care of" love that we had for them, and not feel the "i need you love" that a BPD gives.

It was not healthy for anyone of us on this forum... But still, I can't let go of it and I would give anything to go back in the past when I was so happy and lived in my fantasy world she created, but at the same time I wouldn't do it because I would never go through the pain again that I have went through the last 2 months. I wish you all good luck

[Caramel]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

[Infared]

The worst part was the breaking of the trust and all the lies. To truly deeply care about someone and their family and to be abruptly discarded like a piece of trash is the most brutal thing that I have ever had to live through.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

"that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist."

"The worst part was the breaking of the trust and all the lies. To truly deeply care about someone and their family and to be abruptly discarded like a piece of trash is the most brutal thing that I have ever had to live through."

The motivations of a borderline are very different than those of 'ordered' adults.  A borderline is trying to recreate that feeling of being 'one' with their primary caregiver, probably their mother, that bond that exists when we are so young we can't distinguish between 'me' and 'her', when we thought us two were one person; a borderline never successfully detached from that, so they're constantly trying to get back there, and since we were there once too, it feels like home, extremely comfortable, comfortable for an infant, but inappropriate and unhealthy for adults. 

Us ordered folks all went through that detachment, the accompanying abandonment terror, and then depression, and came out the other side closer to having our own 'self', a necessary part of normal development.  And when we get emotionally enmeshed with someone who never did that, it feels like going back there, and then losing that feels like going through the abandonment depression all over again. 

So what's the good news?  We went through that detachment as tots, a necessary step in becoming who we are today.  So as we go through it again, another detachment, we get to reinvent ourselves, a rebirth of sorts, a shaking up of who we are.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us, and our borderlines came into our lives as disguised teachers, with lessons we were ready to learn?  What if, wherever we are in life, it was time to shake out the kinks, there was growing we needed to do, on the way to a bright future illuminated by our upgraded selves?

Hey, it's a mindset, a reframe, and has turned out true and real for me.  There's what happened and there's what we make it mean, two different things, and we get to decide what things mean.  What's good about our 'experience' and how do we use it moving forward?  Find something... .   

[pieceofme]

i have another one... .right now, it's hard to wake up and know i won't receive a "good morning" text from him. it's hard feeling like just a few days ago, i was his world and now i'm not a thought that crosses his mind. it is heartbreaking.

[Pingo]

"that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist."

"The worst part was the breaking of the trust and all the lies. To truly deeply care about someone and their family and to be abruptly discarded like a piece of trash is the most brutal thing that I have ever had to live through."

The motivations of a borderline are very different than those of 'ordered' adults.  A borderline is trying to recreate that feeling of being 'one' with their primary caregiver, probably their mother, that bond that exists when we are so young we can't distinguish between 'me' and 'her', when we thought us two were one person; a borderline never successfully detached from that, so they're constantly trying to get back there, and since we were there once too, it feels like home, extremely comfortable, comfortable for an infant, but inappropriate and unhealthy for adults. 

Us ordered folks all went through that detachment, the accompanying abandonment terror, and then depression, and came out the other side closer to having our own 'self', a necessary part of normal development.  And when we get emotionally enmeshed with someone who never did that, it feels like going back there, and then losing that feels like going through the abandonment depression all over again. 

So what's the good news?  We went through that detachment as tots, a necessary step in becoming who we are today.  So as we go through it again, another detachment, we get to reinvent ourselves, a rebirth of sorts, a shaking up of who we are.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us, and our borderlines came into our lives as disguised teachers, with lessons we were ready to learn?  What if, wherever we are in life, it was time to shake out the kinks, there was growing we needed to do, on the way to a bright future illuminated by our upgraded selves?

Hey, it's a mindset, a reframe, and has turned out true and real for me.  There's what happened and there's what we make it mean, two different things, and we get to decide what things mean.  What's good about our 'experience' and how do we use it moving forward?  Find something... .   

I do believe this, we will grow from this experience like no other.  We will know ourselves better than ever before, we can never have our eyes closed again going into another relationship.  This gives me hope when I'm so mired down in the grief. 

[fromheeltoheal]

This gives me hope when I'm so mired down in the grief.

   

[stove monkey]

Hopeless 777,

Thanks. I have been through too any recycles already and need to keep the strength to stay away this time. I'm on the right path now.

My wife was also arrested for domestic violence, towards our daughter and we of course didn't show for the hearing and it was dropped.

I think of all the abuse I've tolerated, a learned tolerant, and I get sick to my stomach for putting up with it so long. That's probably one of the worst parts for me as well. The beating up of myself for staying in it so long. That I rationalized staying so many times thinking I was doing the right thing. The things I gave up trying to keep the peace.

[pieceofme]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

i feel the same, too. my best friend told me today, "i know it sucks, but a year from now it won't even phase you!" i felt like screaming, i am broken and hopeless and this will haunt me forever. no one (outside of this board) understands this isn't a regular breakup.

[camuse]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

i feel the same, too. my best friend told me today, "i know it sucks, but a year from now it won't even phase you!" i felt like screaming, i am broken and hopeless and this will haunt me forever. no one (outside of this board) understands this isn't a regular breakup.

They are right though, to some extent. Your mind will get used to its new reality. You don't need a morning text, you just got used to it. You will be ok. Just keep going, hour by hour.

[Emelie Emelie]

For me it's the rejection.  That he is, or will be, moving on with someone else.  After he all but begged me to get back together.  Told me he realized what he had lost and he would not risk that again.  Then, four months later, see ya.  Our first break up was after a year.  He contacted me quite frequently after that one.  This time?  Nada.  It's been four months and it still really freaking hurts.

[Bak86]

I also really miss the texting. We used to text A LOT. I miss the sweet texts she used to send me

[Tibbles]

The hardest part for me was saying goodbye to the good times we had. To that special connection, to the best friend I have ever had, to the love of my life. Admitting it was all gone and was not going to come back again. Admitting I am not strong enough to hang in there any more, that I can't do it any more, that was really really hard.

[Blimblam]

The hardest part for me was saying goodbye to the good times we had. To that special connection, to the best friend I have ever had, to the love of my life. Admitting it was all gone and was not going to come back again. Admitting I am not strong enough to hang in there any more, that I can't do it any more, that was really really hard.

Man this really hits home for me

[camuse]

Its not just losing the friend, the texts, the company, the affection ... .its accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it, but they don't think like us. It's sad.

[pieceofme]

Its not just losing the friend, the texts, the company, the affection ... .its accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it, but they don't think like us. It's sad.

i agree 100%. it's losing the companionship that meant everything to me, that now appears to mean nothing to him. i don't understand how someone can walk away so easily from something so significant.

bak86, i miss the texting, too. we used to spend the day together via text. the silence of my phone is now deafening.

[Infared]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

i feel the same, too. my best friend told me today, "i know it sucks, but a year from now it won't even phase you!" i felt like screaming, i am broken and hopeless and this will haunt me forever. no one (outside of this board) understands this isn't a regular breakup.

I agree with you.

[Caramel]

Accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it. It's sad.

It is very sad indeed. He said to me on the last day that there is nothing to miss about a relationship full of chaos! 6 months of silence, like we didn't even happen! How do they do this, earasing everything over night? I sometimes wish I was like them.  Mine has all these friends who encourage him that he had made the right choice. That I was not the one,  that we were no good for each other. All that they saw were constant fights and break ups. If only they knew what happened behind closed doors...

[Infared]

Its not just losing the friend, the texts, the company, the affection ... .its accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it, but they don't think like us. It's sad.

i agree 100%. it's losing the companionship that meant everything to me, that now appears to mean nothing to him. i don't understand how someone can walk away so easily from something so significant.

The total discard and immediate (immediate for me. of course she had been workin on the replacement for months or years)replacement is brutal. I wish it upon no one. Not even her.

[Aussie JJ]

Acceptance.  I fought acceptance so hard.  I can overcome this I can break through I will not give up.  Acceptance.  When it started to happen, accepting all the different things that would never eventuate.  Never come to fruition.  That initially killed me.  

One of my first journal entries I refer to often and it always brings up tears.  I was in the middle of being angry at everything and starting to understand HER pain.  

Why? WHY?  Open up, let me in please.  Why cant you understand that  nothing will stop me, I will move mountains break my back and wear the skin off my fingers digging through rock and be happy doing so.  WHY cant you allow me to help.  In a relationship it works like this, my problem is our problem and YOUR problem is also our problem.  Bugger our problem.  If it were up to me I would take it all, if I could I would delve in their fight those demons, defeat those painful evil thoughts and set you free.  Nothing and I mean NOTHING would stop me, no-one could hold me back or prevent me from conquering those problems that plague you so much.  All I ask is for that opportunity, understand that I wouldn't run, wouldn't hide.  Hell I haven't so far I'm still here its not me that's hiding.  WHY MUST YOU DO THIS.  WHY CANT YOU ALLOW ME TO HELP.  

My very next entry later that day, getting it all out before I went to bed

I did take it all, you did open up.  I didn't run.  I had that opportunity and I dug in for the long haul.  I failed you in many respects however the largest failure to occur doesn't rest on my shoulders.  I fear it is your failure to recognise what was occuring.  ARGH, just give me one more chance, give yourself that chance.  I come back to the inevitable WHY... . ffs bedtime on that is horrible.  

I wonder why I had trouble sleeping back then  

[Infared]

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

Blim... .it was never real. You felt love, and thought this person felt the same... .they didn't... .it was all a game to them. Nothing more.

[elessar]

You know how they go completely silent and we wonder how can they do that? Every time my ex has contacted me back, she has always asked "why didn't you contact me. I was waiting for your to contact me." even when she had gone for nearly 4 years, she said "i always kept waiting for your email". its strange... .

[pieceofme]

Accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it. It's sad.

It is very sad indeed. He said to me on the last day that there is nothing to miss about a relationship full of chaos! 6 months of silence, like we didn't even happen! How do they do this, earasing everything over night? I sometimes wish I was like them.  Mine has all these friends who encourage him that he had made the right choice. That I was not the one,  that we were no good for each other. All that they saw were constant fights and break ups. If only they knew what happened behind closed doors...

mine said the same. one day he was begging for another chance, anything not to lose me. the next evening he said he didn't care if he lost me because i did nothing for him. the past and memories were erased as easily as a chalkboard. the friends who encourage him (in my case, his ex-gf) just twists the knife in my heart even more.

infared, i agree. as much harm and hurt he has caused me, i wouldn't wish it on him either. i would walk through fire before i let him hurt, even now.

elessar, mine says the same things. he couldn't fathom (and proclaimed how "hurt" he was) that i wouldn't want to see him after our first breakup... .huh

[BuildingFromScratch]

The worst part is definitely being left with myself. Myself being the shadow of who I used to be. And knowing, that it will probably take me many years to heal, to any substantial degree. It feels so daunting.

[Infared]

The worst part is definitely being left with myself. Myself being the shadow of who I used to be. And knowing, that it will probably take me many years to heal, to any substantial degree. It feels so daunting.

I really identify with this. It's years later for me and I do feel that I am able to love myself more now after healing. So it does get better... .but it took me many years.  I also made a decision to not date anymore, which initially was very difficult... .but now that I am away from the "game" I won't be going back. I just could never give someone that kind of trust again.

Why/how do we allow them to suck the life out of us and then just run off with it?.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Infared: I definitely have made a ton of progress myself, I'm 3 years out. But still, I'm on an island... .I want to trust again and laugh a lot like I used to. I agree, I don't want to be with anyone either. And when I do eventually end up with someone, I will trust more slowly and use their actions to gauge how much trust I should give them, not their words.

[maternal]

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's the worst part, but what's bothering me these days is because of how charming and seemingly great he is in public, my ex has a great many "fans" and "supporters" that just have absolutely no idea how harmful he is.  And for some reason, I feel it's best to just keep my mouth shut about the real person that he is... .

[amigo]

Initially it was missing him, his sweet, warm, caring, sexy, fun side. Now that I have gained significant distance and understanding, I miss him less, because I remember more of the sick, devaluing and lying behavior.

The worst for me now is believing that there is that good person deep inside, that suffering, hurting, lonely child, and there is nothing I can do to help, no matter what I do or how hard I try, because the narcissistic, sadistic, denying adult will not ever let me back in. And that I have to accept that I need to walk away.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's the worst part, but what's bothering me these days is because of how charming and seemingly great he is in public, my ex has a great many "fans" and "supporters" that just have absolutely no idea how harmful he is.  And for some reason, I feel it's best to just keep my mouth shut about the real person that he is... .

Yes, when someone doesn't like themselves and doesn't know who they are, in fact doesn't have their own 'self', their own identity, feels like they will literally cease to exist if they aren't attached to someone who makes them feel 'whole', and on top of that is terrified of abandonment, they will get very creative.  Think about that: you have no self and think you're bad, defective, yet you're terrified of abandonment; what a shtty place to be, and it leaves a person no choice but to create a false self, a facade, something as attractive as possible so people will like them, be attracted to them, whatever, and most importantly not leave them.  But false selves and facades take a lot of work, so if you spend enough time with someone who's doing that, eventually you'll see cracks in the facade, and who they really are will shine through.  And if you confront them with it they will feel even worse about themselves, shame shows up, so they might use the defense mechanism of projection to off all that shame on you, blame you for everything, just to get through the day.  It's very ugly and hurtful to be on the receiving end of that, as we've all experienced, and understanding it doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's good for seeing what we were really up against and processing it as we grow.  Plus, most people, including maybe ourselves, live false selves to one degree or another, 'put on a happy face', don't communicate openly and transparently because we're trying to protect ourselves from rejection or judgement, you know the drill, we all do it to some extent, a borderline is just an exaggerated version created by someone who's life is a living hell.  So what do we do with this information?

[Infared]

Infared: I definitely have made a ton of progress myself, I'm 3 years out. But still, I'm on an island... .I want to trust again and laugh a lot like I used to. I agree, I don't want to be with anyone either. And when I do eventually end up with someone, I will trust more slowly and use their actions to gauge how much trust I should give them, not their words.

Yes ... I dated someone for about 9 months, realized that they were not trustworthy(found out I was correct, too). Once I had made my assessment I got out.  I just don't want to go thru that kind of nonsense that I had with my pwBPD, ever again. I just sit back and watch everyone's selfish  shenanigans now. It quite entertaining and just keeps me out of the "game".

[mywifecrazy]

The worst part for me is the aftermath and having to see my kids being hurt by their Mother. I have gotten over her. It wasn't easy and I went through some very painful times. I have made several positive changes in my life and I am moving on a much healthier, happier and wiser man. Unfortunately my kids don't have that option. They can't divorce Mom. They long for that deep loving connection with their Mother and they don't understand why she can't give it to them. I know she loves her kids but only as a Mom with BPD is capable of. She doesn't idealize them like she does her victims so they already sense that they are not loved like kids should be loved by a mother. And that breaks my heart to witness!

MWC... .

[Blimblam]

Infrared,

I understand where you are coming from I hope you find that place within that you can trust in yourself again the festering wound that is doubt in ourselves must trully be the worst part. I believe in u.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I never lived with my exBPDgf but would travel the 50 miles after work to her place a few times a week. I would wonder whether or not she would call the relationship off.  At least once a week it was called off.  Lost count of the times I drove to her place, only to have to return after half an hour.  I think my replacement lives a lot nearer so his mileage will be way lower.

[Dog biscuit]

The worst part for me, is still coming to terms with the death ( suicide) of his ex gf. She commited suicide on our first date, so while he and I where having a real nice time, she was lying dead in her home.  :'(

I didnt knew they still had a relationship with each other and that he was lying to her about the contact he and I had. I flirted openly with him on a social media site we shared, and his ex gf was also a member of that site. I didnt know they still had a relationship! At first he told me, as he also told his friends, with whom I checked on this fact, that their relationship was over for 6 months and they where still good friends. Turned out he was lying, they still had a relationship when I met him, and he was declaring his love to me. I only discovered the truth about it, when we where togheter for almost a year. She is dead, and I feel partly responsible for her misery.  :'(

She was lied upon, cheated, and gaslighted in the worst kind of way. Poor girl.  :'(

I DIDNT KNOW! Damn.

[Infared]

Infrared,

I understand where you are coming from I hope you find that place within that you can trust in yourself again the festering wound that is doubt in ourselves must trully be the worst part. I believe in u.

Thanks Blim... .

I actually like me... .it has taken me time. I am in a self help group and I learned there that we build self esteem by doing esteemable actions. I have been working on that and time has healed me somewhat... .my life is peaceful and calm without being in a relationship. No rollercoaster ride from hell. It can have its downsides but I find with time that it has a lot of benefits, too.

It's good to be able to come here and talk openly about where I am at... .I really can't talk about this subject any longer even with my close friends.

[Green_eyes]

The worst part for me is watching our 7 month old son grow and change and know that my ex is missing out on the best thing he's ever created... .

I can't understand how he could claim to miss him and love him/us but walk away and continue to make things incredibly difficult.

I'm left with the most intense pain imaginable and on top of that I now have a sweet little baby and 2 dogs to care for and a house to run by myself. I try my best to be a good mother to my son but how can he not feel the sadness in my heart. I feel like a total failure.

I can barely contain the overwhelming grief I feel and the truth of feeling so trapped, so hurt, so bitter, so lost... .wanting to be a family again and take the abuse again just to not feel what. So alone and helpless. It makes me so ashamed that I want to die.

I miss the fleeting glimpses of the family I wanted so badly. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man I was supposed to marry. I miss him cuddling me in the night in our bed... .squeezing my hand as we looked at our son. I miss dancing together with him and feeling like it was the most fun I've ever had in my life... .

I don't know how to make this better. This is killing me... .

[Blimblam]

Infrared,

I understand where you are coming from I hope you find that place within that you can trust in yourself again the festering wound that is doubt in ourselves must trully be the worst part. I believe in u.

Thanks Blim... .

I actually like me... .it has taken me time. I am in a self help group and I learned there that we build self esteem by doing esteemable actions. I have been working on that and time has healed me somewhat... .my life is peaceful and calm without being in a relationship. No rollercoaster ride from hell. It can have its downsides but I find with time that it has a lot of benefits, too.

It's good to be able to come here and talk openly about where I am at... .I really can't talk about this subject any longer even with my close friends.

Infrared,

Lol I can totally relate not being able to talk about it with close friends. First of all they don't understand. Second, in my situation people basically explain to me about their boundaries which ultimately translates to how to be cutoff from ones emotions. I think there are multiple paths to recovering from an interaction like this and they are all valid in their own right. Validating hope from outside oneself is a powerful method. If that doesn't satisfy an inward journey into ones unconscious can be a way to find oneself and liberate the inner working held hostage by internalized negative energy as well, though it is frightening and painfull. Whatever works for you.

[pieceofme]

I can barely contain the overwhelming grief I feel and the truth of feeling so trapped, so hurt, so bitter, so lost... .wanting to be a family again and take the abuse again just to not feel what. So alone and helpless. It makes me so ashamed that I want to die.

I miss the fleeting glimpses of the family I wanted so badly. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man I was supposed to marry. I miss him cuddling me in the night in our bed... .squeezing my hand as we looked at our son. I miss dancing together with him and feeling like it was the most fun I've ever had in my life... .

I don't know how to make this better. This is killing me... .

your words broke my heart. every thought and feeling and thing you miss - i feel the exact same. i hate knowing he will never cuddle me again. in addition to losing my boyfriend, i lost the future we were planning for and that i thought we had together. it is life-altering and devastating.

[tired-of-it-all]

For me the worst part of the whole experience is the lies.  The fact that I never got the truth or validation.  It is like living in the Twilight Zone.  It is so hard for me to give up on knowing the truth.  On wanting her to admit the truth.  That would feel so good and do so much for my mental health.  It ain't gonna happen.

[Blimblam]

For me the worst part of the whole experience is the lies.  The fact that I never got the truth or validation.  It is like living in the Twilight Zone.  It is so hard for me to give up on knowing the truth.  On wanting her to admit the truth.  That would feel so good and do so much for my mental health.  It ain't gonna happen.

I relate to this soo much.

[pieceofme]

For me the worst part of the whole experience is the lies.  The fact that I never got the truth or validation.  It is like living in the Twilight Zone.  It is so hard for me to give up on knowing the truth.  On wanting her to admit the truth.  That would feel so good and do so much for my mental health.  It ain't gonna happen.

I relate to this soo much.

me, too. it got to the point where i began to think every word out of his mouth was a lie. i'm not sure he could tell me the truth if he had to. i don't even know if he knows what the truth is anymore.

[woofhound]

For me the worst part of the whole experience is the lies.  The fact that I never got the truth or validation.  It is like living in the Twilight Zone.  It is so hard for me to give up on knowing the truth.  On wanting her to admit the truth.  That would feel so good and do so much for my mental health.  It ain't gonna happen.

I relate to this soo much.

me, too. it got to the point where i began to think every word out of his mouth was a lie. i'm not sure he could tell me the truth if he had to. i don't even know if he knows what the truth is anymore.

I think to these people TRUTH= WHATEVER I NEED TO SAY TO GET WHAT I CRAVE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT

It must be exhausting.

[tired-of-it-all]

Several years ago, I drove her away from our children and spent 2 hours confronting her with her lies.  I screamed and acted like a mad man.  I had to get it all out.  She almost, for a few seconds, started just a little to listen.  I said to her, "Can't you tell me the truth?"  She had a brief, lucid moment and said, "I don't know what the truth is anymore."  That moment, although very satisfying, passed rather quickly.

[Infared]

For me the worst part of the whole experience is the lies.  The fact that I never got the truth or validation.  It is like living in the Twilight Zone.  It is so hard for me to give up on knowing the truth.  On wanting her to admit the truth.  That would feel so good and do so much for my mental health.  It ain't gonna happen.

When you are a descent, honest person the lies they tell are just brutal. 

I begged mine to go to therapy, when she was leaving me. I asked her parents to help her find someone to help her, that I cared about her so much and that I was concerned about her.

Months after she had run out on me, she and her therapist (big mistake) invited me to a session.  I brought up a topic that I KNEW she had lied to me about (cheating on me), and she sat there and lied about it, right in front of me AND her therapist?

She hung her head down with shame and low self esteem... .it was soo obvious she was lying, and her T said nothing. 

It was so painful that I got no validation. It was just so sad and painful.

[AG]

There are so many parts that are bad its kinda hard to pick one but the worst part for me is being turned into a villain when I so am not. It is not being understood from my perspective. I mean you gather up all this understanding and patience inside of you for your partner and try to hang in there all to have it flipped on you. You get left extremely tired and completely shattered and when it is all said and done you get a nice metaphorical kick in your ass for doing so. Most of us judging from reading all these stories experience the same exact thing. You end up trying to explain yourself like ":)on't you understand I did abcdef and even g for you? How are you making me out to be the villain". It is the injustice of it that urkes me the most.

[Caramel]

It is the injustice of it that urkes me the most.

Yes.

[Turkish]

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