What's the worst part for you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

[Caramel]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

[Infared]

The worst part was the breaking of the trust and all the lies. To truly deeply care about someone and their family and to be abruptly discarded like a piece of trash is the most brutal thing that I have ever had to live through.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

"that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist."

"The worst part was the breaking of the trust and all the lies. To truly deeply care about someone and their family and to be abruptly discarded like a piece of trash is the most brutal thing that I have ever had to live through."

The motivations of a borderline are very different than those of 'ordered' adults.  A borderline is trying to recreate that feeling of being 'one' with their primary caregiver, probably their mother, that bond that exists when we are so young we can't distinguish between 'me' and 'her', when we thought us two were one person; a borderline never successfully detached from that, so they're constantly trying to get back there, and since we were there once too, it feels like home, extremely comfortable, comfortable for an infant, but inappropriate and unhealthy for adults. 

Us ordered folks all went through that detachment, the accompanying abandonment terror, and then depression, and came out the other side closer to having our own 'self', a necessary part of normal development.  And when we get emotionally enmeshed with someone who never did that, it feels like going back there, and then losing that feels like going through the abandonment depression all over again. 

So what's the good news?  We went through that detachment as tots, a necessary step in becoming who we are today.  So as we go through it again, another detachment, we get to reinvent ourselves, a rebirth of sorts, a shaking up of who we are.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us, and our borderlines came into our lives as disguised teachers, with lessons we were ready to learn?  What if, wherever we are in life, it was time to shake out the kinks, there was growing we needed to do, on the way to a bright future illuminated by our upgraded selves?

Hey, it's a mindset, a reframe, and has turned out true and real for me.  There's what happened and there's what we make it mean, two different things, and we get to decide what things mean.  What's good about our 'experience' and how do we use it moving forward?  Find something... .   

[pieceofme]

i have another one... .right now, it's hard to wake up and know i won't receive a "good morning" text from him. it's hard feeling like just a few days ago, i was his world and now i'm not a thought that crosses his mind. it is heartbreaking.

[Pingo]

"that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist."

"The worst part was the breaking of the trust and all the lies. To truly deeply care about someone and their family and to be abruptly discarded like a piece of trash is the most brutal thing that I have ever had to live through."

The motivations of a borderline are very different than those of 'ordered' adults.  A borderline is trying to recreate that feeling of being 'one' with their primary caregiver, probably their mother, that bond that exists when we are so young we can't distinguish between 'me' and 'her', when we thought us two were one person; a borderline never successfully detached from that, so they're constantly trying to get back there, and since we were there once too, it feels like home, extremely comfortable, comfortable for an infant, but inappropriate and unhealthy for adults. 

Us ordered folks all went through that detachment, the accompanying abandonment terror, and then depression, and came out the other side closer to having our own 'self', a necessary part of normal development.  And when we get emotionally enmeshed with someone who never did that, it feels like going back there, and then losing that feels like going through the abandonment depression all over again. 

So what's the good news?  We went through that detachment as tots, a necessary step in becoming who we are today.  So as we go through it again, another detachment, we get to reinvent ourselves, a rebirth of sorts, a shaking up of who we are.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us, and our borderlines came into our lives as disguised teachers, with lessons we were ready to learn?  What if, wherever we are in life, it was time to shake out the kinks, there was growing we needed to do, on the way to a bright future illuminated by our upgraded selves?

Hey, it's a mindset, a reframe, and has turned out true and real for me.  There's what happened and there's what we make it mean, two different things, and we get to decide what things mean.  What's good about our 'experience' and how do we use it moving forward?  Find something... .   

I do believe this, we will grow from this experience like no other.  We will know ourselves better than ever before, we can never have our eyes closed again going into another relationship.  This gives me hope when I'm so mired down in the grief. 

[fromheeltoheal]

This gives me hope when I'm so mired down in the grief.

   

[stove monkey]

Hopeless 777,

Thanks. I have been through too any recycles already and need to keep the strength to stay away this time. I'm on the right path now.

My wife was also arrested for domestic violence, towards our daughter and we of course didn't show for the hearing and it was dropped.

I think of all the abuse I've tolerated, a learned tolerant, and I get sick to my stomach for putting up with it so long. That's probably one of the worst parts for me as well. The beating up of myself for staying in it so long. That I rationalized staying so many times thinking I was doing the right thing. The things I gave up trying to keep the peace.

[pieceofme]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

i feel the same, too. my best friend told me today, "i know it sucks, but a year from now it won't even phase you!" i felt like screaming, i am broken and hopeless and this will haunt me forever. no one (outside of this board) understands this isn't a regular breakup.

[camuse]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

i feel the same, too. my best friend told me today, "i know it sucks, but a year from now it won't even phase you!" i felt like screaming, i am broken and hopeless and this will haunt me forever. no one (outside of this board) understands this isn't a regular breakup.

They are right though, to some extent. Your mind will get used to its new reality. You don't need a morning text, you just got used to it. You will be ok. Just keep going, hour by hour.

[Emelie Emelie]

For me it's the rejection.  That he is, or will be, moving on with someone else.  After he all but begged me to get back together.  Told me he realized what he had lost and he would not risk that again.  Then, four months later, see ya.  Our first break up was after a year.  He contacted me quite frequently after that one.  This time?  Nada.  It's been four months and it still really freaking hurts.

[Bak86]

I also really miss the texting. We used to text A LOT. I miss the sweet texts she used to send me

[Tibbles]

The hardest part for me was saying goodbye to the good times we had. To that special connection, to the best friend I have ever had, to the love of my life. Admitting it was all gone and was not going to come back again. Admitting I am not strong enough to hang in there any more, that I can't do it any more, that was really really hard.

[Blimblam]

The hardest part for me was saying goodbye to the good times we had. To that special connection, to the best friend I have ever had, to the love of my life. Admitting it was all gone and was not going to come back again. Admitting I am not strong enough to hang in there any more, that I can't do it any more, that was really really hard.

Man this really hits home for me

[camuse]

Its not just losing the friend, the texts, the company, the affection ... .its accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it, but they don't think like us. It's sad.

[pieceofme]

Its not just losing the friend, the texts, the company, the affection ... .its accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it, but they don't think like us. It's sad.

i agree 100%. it's losing the companionship that meant everything to me, that now appears to mean nothing to him. i don't understand how someone can walk away so easily from something so significant.

bak86, i miss the texting, too. we used to spend the day together via text. the silence of my phone is now deafening.

[Infared]

That I will never feel that close to someone again. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever.

I feel exactly the same and I hate it when people say ":)on't worry, You will find someone better." I want to punch them in the face!  :'(

i feel the same, too. my best friend told me today, "i know it sucks, but a year from now it won't even phase you!" i felt like screaming, i am broken and hopeless and this will haunt me forever. no one (outside of this board) understands this isn't a regular breakup.

I agree with you.

[Caramel]

Accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it. It's sad.

It is very sad indeed. He said to me on the last day that there is nothing to miss about a relationship full of chaos! 6 months of silence, like we didn't even happen! How do they do this, earasing everything over night? I sometimes wish I was like them.  Mine has all these friends who encourage him that he had made the right choice. That I was not the one,  that we were no good for each other. All that they saw were constant fights and break ups. If only they knew what happened behind closed doors...

[Infared]

Its not just losing the friend, the texts, the company, the affection ... .its accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it, but they don't think like us. It's sad.

i agree 100%. it's losing the companionship that meant everything to me, that now appears to mean nothing to him. i don't understand how someone can walk away so easily from something so significant.

The total discard and immediate (immediate for me. of course she had been workin on the replacement for months or years)replacement is brutal. I wish it upon no one. Not even her.

[Aussie JJ]

Acceptance.  I fought acceptance so hard.  I can overcome this I can break through I will not give up.  Acceptance.  When it started to happen, accepting all the different things that would never eventuate.  Never come to fruition.  That initially killed me.  

One of my first journal entries I refer to often and it always brings up tears.  I was in the middle of being angry at everything and starting to understand HER pain.  

Why? WHY?  Open up, let me in please.  Why cant you understand that  nothing will stop me, I will move mountains break my back and wear the skin off my fingers digging through rock and be happy doing so.  WHY cant you allow me to help.  In a relationship it works like this, my problem is our problem and YOUR problem is also our problem.  Bugger our problem.  If it were up to me I would take it all, if I could I would delve in their fight those demons, defeat those painful evil thoughts and set you free.  Nothing and I mean NOTHING would stop me, no-one could hold me back or prevent me from conquering those problems that plague you so much.  All I ask is for that opportunity, understand that I wouldn't run, wouldn't hide.  Hell I haven't so far I'm still here its not me that's hiding.  WHY MUST YOU DO THIS.  WHY CANT YOU ALLOW ME TO HELP.  

My very next entry later that day, getting it all out before I went to bed

I did take it all, you did open up.  I didn't run.  I had that opportunity and I dug in for the long haul.  I failed you in many respects however the largest failure to occur doesn't rest on my shoulders.  I fear it is your failure to recognise what was occuring.  ARGH, just give me one more chance, give yourself that chance.  I come back to the inevitable WHY... . ffs bedtime on that is horrible.  

I wonder why I had trouble sleeping back then  

[Infared]

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

Blim... .it was never real. You felt love, and thought this person felt the same... .they didn't... .it was all a game to them. Nothing more.

[elessar]

You know how they go completely silent and we wonder how can they do that? Every time my ex has contacted me back, she has always asked "why didn't you contact me. I was waiting for your to contact me." even when she had gone for nearly 4 years, she said "i always kept waiting for your email". its strange... .

[pieceofme]

Accepting that they can happily just lose all that and never look back. Hard to believe they don't miss it. It's sad.

It is very sad indeed. He said to me on the last day that there is nothing to miss about a relationship full of chaos! 6 months of silence, like we didn't even happen! How do they do this, earasing everything over night? I sometimes wish I was like them.  Mine has all these friends who encourage him that he had made the right choice. That I was not the one,  that we were no good for each other. All that they saw were constant fights and break ups. If only they knew what happened behind closed doors...

mine said the same. one day he was begging for another chance, anything not to lose me. the next evening he said he didn't care if he lost me because i did nothing for him. the past and memories were erased as easily as a chalkboard. the friends who encourage him (in my case, his ex-gf) just twists the knife in my heart even more.

infared, i agree. as much harm and hurt he has caused me, i wouldn't wish it on him either. i would walk through fire before i let him hurt, even now.

elessar, mine says the same things. he couldn't fathom (and proclaimed how "hurt" he was) that i wouldn't want to see him after our first breakup... .huh

[BuildingFromScratch]

The worst part is definitely being left with myself. Myself being the shadow of who I used to be. And knowing, that it will probably take me many years to heal, to any substantial degree. It feels so daunting.

[Infared]

The worst part is definitely being left with myself. Myself being the shadow of who I used to be. And knowing, that it will probably take me many years to heal, to any substantial degree. It feels so daunting.

I really identify with this. It's years later for me and I do feel that I am able to love myself more now after healing. So it does get better... .but it took me many years.  I also made a decision to not date anymore, which initially was very difficult... .but now that I am away from the "game" I won't be going back. I just could never give someone that kind of trust again.

Why/how do we allow them to suck the life out of us and then just run off with it?.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Infared: I definitely have made a ton of progress myself, I'm 3 years out. But still, I'm on an island... .I want to trust again and laugh a lot like I used to. I agree, I don't want to be with anyone either. And when I do eventually end up with someone, I will trust more slowly and use their actions to gauge how much trust I should give them, not their words.

[maternal]

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's the worst part, but what's bothering me these days is because of how charming and seemingly great he is in public, my ex has a great many "fans" and "supporters" that just have absolutely no idea how harmful he is.  And for some reason, I feel it's best to just keep my mouth shut about the real person that he is... .

[amigo]

Initially it was missing him, his sweet, warm, caring, sexy, fun side. Now that I have gained significant distance and understanding, I miss him less, because I remember more of the sick, devaluing and lying behavior.

The worst for me now is believing that there is that good person deep inside, that suffering, hurting, lonely child, and there is nothing I can do to help, no matter what I do or how hard I try, because the narcissistic, sadistic, denying adult will not ever let me back in. And that I have to accept that I need to walk away.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's the worst part, but what's bothering me these days is because of how charming and seemingly great he is in public, my ex has a great many "fans" and "supporters" that just have absolutely no idea how harmful he is.  And for some reason, I feel it's best to just keep my mouth shut about the real person that he is... .

Yes, when someone doesn't like themselves and doesn't know who they are, in fact doesn't have their own 'self', their own identity, feels like they will literally cease to exist if they aren't attached to someone who makes them feel 'whole', and on top of that is terrified of abandonment, they will get very creative.  Think about that: you have no self and think you're bad, defective, yet you're terrified of abandonment; what a shtty place to be, and it leaves a person no choice but to create a false self, a facade, something as attractive as possible so people will like them, be attracted to them, whatever, and most importantly not leave them.  But false selves and facades take a lot of work, so if you spend enough time with someone who's doing that, eventually you'll see cracks in the facade, and who they really are will shine through.  And if you confront them with it they will feel even worse about themselves, shame shows up, so they might use the defense mechanism of projection to off all that shame on you, blame you for everything, just to get through the day.  It's very ugly and hurtful to be on the receiving end of that, as we've all experienced, and understanding it doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's good for seeing what we were really up against and processing it as we grow.  Plus, most people, including maybe ourselves, live false selves to one degree or another, 'put on a happy face', don't communicate openly and transparently because we're trying to protect ourselves from rejection or judgement, you know the drill, we all do it to some extent, a borderline is just an exaggerated version created by someone who's life is a living hell.  So what do we do with this information?

[Infared]

Infared: I definitely have made a ton of progress myself, I'm 3 years out. But still, I'm on an island... .I want to trust again and laugh a lot like I used to. I agree, I don't want to be with anyone either. And when I do eventually end up with someone, I will trust more slowly and use their actions to gauge how much trust I should give them, not their words.

Yes ... I dated someone for about 9 months, realized that they were not trustworthy(found out I was correct, too). Once I had made my assessment I got out.  I just don't want to go thru that kind of nonsense that I had with my pwBPD, ever again. I just sit back and watch everyone's selfish  shenanigans now. It quite entertaining and just keeps me out of the "game".

[mywifecrazy]

The worst part for me is the aftermath and having to see my kids being hurt by their Mother. I have gotten over her. It wasn't easy and I went through some very painful times. I have made several positive changes in my life and I am moving on a much healthier, happier and wiser man. Unfortunately my kids don't have that option. They can't divorce Mom. They long for that deep loving connection with their Mother and they don't understand why she can't give it to them. I know she loves her kids but only as a Mom with BPD is capable of. She doesn't idealize them like she does her victims so they already sense that they are not loved like kids should be loved by a mother. And that breaks my heart to witness!

MWC... .