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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Anyone else on NC day 1? Want to count the days together?  (Read 3106 times)
kc sunshine
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« on: August 14, 2014, 01:46:27 PM »

Day 1. I almost made it through yesterday but I texted her once (she didn't text back, so maybe it doesn't count Smiling (click to insert in post).
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2014, 04:08:40 PM »

So hard. But only 8 more hours or so to go left. Dang, why is it so hard?
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seeking balance
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« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2014, 04:30:59 PM »

So hard. But only 8 more hours or so to go left. Dang, why is it so hard?

Hang in there - you only have to do day 1 once 
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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2014, 04:37:14 PM »

So hard. But only 8 more hours or so to go left. Dang, why is it so hard?

kc sunshine -- You are on the right path.  Be kind to yourself.  Remember, no contact is a process, not a switch. 

As the Dalai Lama says, "There are only two days in a year you can't do anything about -- yesterday and tomorrow."    Just take one day a time.  No contact isn't a magic wand -- some moments are better than others.   And note that, just like the weather, moments change from hour to hour. 

Hang in there -- and be good to yourself!
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woofhound
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« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2014, 05:02:20 PM »

PUT ON YOUR BATTLE ARMOR!

ARM YOURSELVES WITH THE SWORD OF INDEPENDENCE!

MAKE IT KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT SOME TOY TO BE PLAYED WITH BY WAY OF SILENCE!

DECLARE TO THEM THAT USE PEOPLE THAT THE GAME HAS CEASED AND WILL BE PLAYED NO MORE!

STAND UP IN A CHAIR AND BEAT YOUR FAITH AGAINST YOUR CHEST PROCLAIMING: I AM ME! I HAVE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS AND FEARS, AND I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!

SCREAM IT: "I AM THE GREAT I AM, AND I WILL NOT BE PLACED SECOND TO YOUR SELFISH, NEEDY MANIPULATION!"

I get out of had sometimes... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2014, 05:28:11 PM »

hahaha, I'm gonna do that right now!  Silence, have at me, you're no match for the sword of independence!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2014, 03:09:28 PM »

Well, I made it through yesterday (barely-- had an email in my head, but luckily I didn't send it). Today she called though to talk about some stuff of each others we need to get back. I should have left it at that but asked her how she was and stuff. Things got mean, fast. Good reminder, I guess. Also, maybe I learned what we can and can't talk about, what are our safe topics and what are BPD danger zones. okay, back to the drawing board. Day 1 again? or that will probably be tomorrow. Dang.

"Remember NC is a process not a switch"-- yes. 
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woofhound
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« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2014, 03:22:34 PM »

One thing that has helped me with NC (day 7) is remembering that anything I say will undoubtedly be twisted in her mind and be used against me.

If I were to say "I love you, and I am here for you always." she would hear "I am incapable of being without you, and you can do whatever you want, whoever you want, etc and I will always take you back because i'm emotionally weak."

She's not the keeper of my well being anymore. I am.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2014, 04:08:30 PM »

Yup, woofhound, I totally hear you. I hope to join you at day 7 next Friday!
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woofhound
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« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2014, 04:14:09 PM »

Yup, woofhound, I totally hear you. I hope to join you at day 7 next Friday!

well, my friend, you'll not be joining, i'm afraid... .for I shall be on day 14!      Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2014, 04:30:34 PM »

hahaha, with your armor on and your sword of independence brandished! You're an inspiration! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2014, 04:52:50 PM »

Day 1 completed with success.

Since i heard her yesterday say again betrayal was my fault because she suffered a lot at my hands (poor her) and that she is going to the psychologist because she has a problem with men bcs she depends too much on them (saying the betrayals were not a problem. She even denyes most of em even tough i have proof now). I was hoping she would work the issues, but she is really lost. And here i am now on the NC counting.

Lets keep strong and show them they dont toy with us anymore!
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« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2014, 05:44:06 PM »

i'm on day 1 today  :'( it's a relief, but also the biggest struggle of my life.
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« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2014, 11:21:35 AM »

I just completed day one myself! I have to agree it is a relief. I sent an email saying I was blocking him and that I would delete his emails unread. I tried to be nice about it knowing even though it was as much his idea at the moment - now he agrees and now I'm a terrible person because I've hurt him by telling him we can't see each other anymore. He's made threats to me in this past month 1/2 and was physically abusive at the very end. I am a bit nervous the 6000 miles between us is not enough... .
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woofhound
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« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2014, 02:00:10 PM »

I got drunk and broke NC. She didn't reply, and it hurt. Starting day one again. I'm so ashamed of myself.
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« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2014, 03:48:34 PM »

Hang in there woofhound. Its not easy. I am walking around with a collage of photos of the bruises and cuts from him. I look at every time he gets in contact with me and sometimes when he's not. I am mad and ashamed I let it get that far! Don't be so hard on yourself, how many times did you forgive her? And her mistakes? Show yourself some forgiveness too. No ones perfect, we all have weaknesses and weak moments. best thing you can do is move forward and keep working towards better.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #16 on: August 17, 2014, 12:14:50 AM »

Hi all,

Tomorrow starts day 1 again for me too-- man this is hard. I wrote her an apology text today. Hmmm. Even though she couched all of her critiques of me in kinda brutal, hard to hear ways, she did have a point about some of it, so I thought it would be good to apologize. I was feeling pretty good, pretty clear, not wanting back in but also wanting to acknowledge/validate her points. No word back from her and it hurt as well (I'm with you woofhound!) so maybe I was hoping for some reconciliation (not consciously). Also, since I didn't hear back from her on a Saturday night, I'm thinking she must be out with someone. Gonna try not to let jealousy eat me up, lead me back. Anyway, back to day 1. So glad you all are here, BPD family!
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pieceofme
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« Reply #17 on: August 17, 2014, 09:37:57 AM »

Also, since I didn't hear back from her on a Saturday night, I'm thinking she must be out with someone. Gonna try not to let jealousy eat me up, lead me back. Anyway, back to day 1. So glad you all are here, BPD family!

i think we tend to send messages at night or later because we hope they're sitting at home, pining for us as we are for them. but at the same time, the non-response confirms to us they've moved on. not necessarily because they're over us, but because they can't be alone.
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woofhound
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« Reply #18 on: August 17, 2014, 12:55:07 PM »

You know how in Alcoholics Anonymous they have someone to call when they're thinking about getting a drink. That would be a good idea for us.
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #19 on: August 17, 2014, 02:56:18 PM »

Guys,

I started NC thread JUST for the soul reason of getting in with people having the same problems and that could relate to the STRUGLE... .  jump in, vent away look at previous posts from people as they have got better with time. 

Some of the things I did to help myself. 

Ate good food, consistant meal times. 

Went to bed and tried to sleep even when I couldn't sleep. 

Write write write and then write.  Instead of having it in your head put it down on paper, everything, share it here.  Its really good to come back to all the negative stuff and say, WHY AM I RUMINATING ABOUT THIS.   

Replace the hit with another hit.  Instead of calling, texting or whatever when you get the compulsion drop down and do 10 push ups.  If you can't do push ups start with pussy-ups.  Use a chair so its easier! 

If you don't want to do push ups then leave the vacuum out and when the compulsion comes vacuum a room.  Your house will be spotless in no time. 

Instead of doing the dishes in the dishwasher hand wash them and practice mindfulness while doing the dishes.   

Lastly, VENT HERE.  No-one that hasn't been there understands.  My family and friends thought I was crazy, so I didn't talk to them I talked to people here. 

I had mantras I would say in my head as well.  I kept these on a piece of paper at the start they are now automatic!

I can always walk away. 

I choose to love myself. 

F@rK your F@rK3d up emotional needs. 

I choose to not engage. 

I choose healthy adult companionship. 

I care about myself, you don't care. 

Share what works for each of you with the others here. 

I found running and swimming helped me a huge amount.  Physical activity releases endorphins that make you happy.  Those 10 push ups give you that instant hit. 

GL and HF

You did read that correctly.  HAVE FUN. 

This is what you make of it, when struggling develop a new fun coping mechanism.  You would be surprised how good it feels. 
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« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2014, 05:14:27 PM »

Day 1 here too!

I blocked everything, whatsapp, phone, email, closed my FB account... .

I had to text him a number for western union, I did and immediately blocked him again.

Im fine today, i keep myself busy. If I wanna contact, i go for a walk, watch tv, call a friend... .

Its hard... .But its better.

Hang in there!
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woofhound
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« Reply #21 on: August 18, 2014, 05:24:57 PM »

Day three here. I wanna thank Ausie JJ for the push ups tip. When I start to contact her I drop and give myself ten! Also, for the times when I start feeling really low, I changed her name in my phone to ":)ON'T DO IT" since I can't block her without paying my provider 50 dollars.
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pieceofme
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« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2014, 06:19:44 PM »

Day three here. I wanna thank Ausie JJ for the push ups tip. When I start to contact her I drop and give myself ten! Also, for the times when I start feeling really low, I changed her name in my phone to ":)ON'T DO IT" since I can't block her without paying my provider 50 dollars.

i did the same, except i changed his name to "HE DOESNT WANT YOU" just for the extra reminder.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2014, 01:24:22 AM »

ha, I love the push up idea and the changing the name on the phone idea-- I'm gonna do both tomorrow!

Day 1= over! Tomorrow, day 2 Smiling (click to insert in post).
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Flora73
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« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2014, 02:15:17 AM »

I have made it one day NC... .

Very proud of myself... .

I have battled 7 weeks of silent treatment from my exGFBPD trying to breakdown the door, but no more!

God give me strength as I love her... .

Lets see how long before she appears as I have been playing her game and staying in contact nearly every other day, txt's emails and flowers.

Sent the below email yesterday:

Hey

All the best, hope you find what your looking for.

Please don't think I didn't care or didn't try and find away forward.

I cared deeply for you

Take care

J

Hopefully it didn't invalidate her?

Please someone comment on that?

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #25 on: August 19, 2014, 05:49:50 PM »

Almost through day 2! Had one biff exchange, resisted the urge to

prolong it. Her coldness is quite a thing-- It gives me that "pit of

the stomach" feel. I guess it's a looking over the edge of

the BPD abyss feeling. If it feels this bad in proximity to

it, I can only imagine how bad it feels in it. What a terrible illness.
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« Reply #26 on: August 19, 2014, 06:59:56 PM »

Good KC Sunshine!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) NC day 2 here too! My exBPDbf called, left messages on my VM, he got his shrink to call me for a conference call and I didnt take the bait! It was a difficult day, constant feeling of stress, but Im content! I deleted the VM message without listening to it.

Going on strong to day 3!

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2014, 08:47:37 PM »

Wow, recooperating, you are super strong! I don't know if I am at the point yet where I could delete without listening to the message, but I definitely could delete it if it was a nasty one (after having listened to it). I guess what would pull me in to listen to the message would be the tiny sliver of hope that she was done splitting me black. Today though I had the thought that thank goodness she split me black so thoroughly and spitefully or else I might have gotten in much much deeper than I was (which was already pretty deep).

Onward to day 3!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #28 on: August 20, 2014, 02:49:00 PM »

Day 3, just returned the last of my dPBP ex's stuff and picked up mine. I resisted the urge to do anything but just grab my stuff and go (luckily she wasn't there). Next hurdle: our daughters are close friends, and my daughter really wants to see her friend. I'm trying to think how they can meet without my ex and I mediating. I'm betting they might figure it out without me, so I won't put much energy into thinking about this.
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« Reply #29 on: August 20, 2014, 03:15:30 PM »

On a role KC sunshine!

Good job staying NC while exchanging stuff!

I can understand the concern with your daughter and her friend... .There are ways to avoid contact with your ex and still having them play/hang out together!

You could simply drop her off and drive off or pick up her kid without contact.

Co-parents that "hate" each other do it all the time! I am sure you can too!'

Day 3 for me too! Had a really good day! Went for a walk on the beach with my best friend and had a drink afterwards! And guess what! I didnt have to deal with drama where I was going, how long I'd be, no tantrums, nothing of the sort! Ahhh liberty!

Also planned a trip for next week to go abroad a couple of days with my parents. And guess what! Didnt have to ask permission... .Again No drama and abandonment issues to deal with.

Bliss today!

On to day 4... .(Nothing planned yet so hope I can keep myself distracted!)
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« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2014, 08:06:24 PM »

Survived day 4... .Slept through most of it... .I was so tired!


How are you KC sunshine after last night?
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woofhound
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« Reply #31 on: August 21, 2014, 08:18:20 PM »

I just wanted to say... .midnight tonight will be 6 days. That means the midnight after will mark the one week milestone!

You know... .the more I focus on me... .the less I focus on her. Not only that, but when I start thinking about her now, its more of a "I can't believe I did that" sort of thing.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #32 on: August 22, 2014, 10:05:07 AM »

Hooray woofhound and recooperating  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) !

Things are okay here-- our daughters met to see each other and things went pretty okay. My ex dBPD dropped off and picked up her daughter with little interaction with me (little eye contact, no conversation). She was kind to my kids, so that was also good. She texted and called me late at night, asking me to come over, but I didn't respond (actually I was already asleep). Today I texted her something short saying that I can't come over late on school nights, but if she wants to meet for coffee or lunch during the day sometime during the week, we can. At first she said okay, but then she called back and said she doesn't see the point of it, which I can understand.

So that's where we are now! I'd have to call it LC not NC but I guess it is a process. LC day 2! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #33 on: August 22, 2014, 10:14:37 AM »

Google something called "oneitis"

Enjoy  

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« Reply #34 on: August 22, 2014, 04:07:19 PM »

Day 5! Feeling better every day! Finally had the energy to clean my house... .

Find myself less chaotic in my mind... .Still think for my exBPD a lot, but Im getting more and more convinced I can do this!

Have a really good weekend every one!
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Junknown
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« Reply #35 on: August 22, 2014, 04:16:54 PM »

1 Week since i initiated NC. Still think a lot about her but now i don't want to go back. My replacement who also left her after she went after another guy and who is NC day 7 as well said that she posted yesterday on Facebook a text where she talks that she did well by cutting off some people that did bad to her (we both found this amusing, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), so it seems she is sticking to the role of victim) and that she is starting to love herself more than she ever did before.

Thank god i removed her from facebook so i dont see depressing stuff like this, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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woofhound
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« Reply #36 on: August 22, 2014, 06:06:17 PM »

1 Week since i initiated NC. Still think a lot about her but now i don't want to go back. My replacement who also left her after she went after another guy and who is NC day 7 as well said that she posted yesterday on Facebook a text where she talks that she did well by cutting off some people that did bad to her (we both found this amusing, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), so it seems she is sticking to the role of victim) and that she is starting to love herself more than she ever did before.

Thank god i removed her from facebook so i dont see depressing stuff like this, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Once while my ex was accusing me of having BPD she said "BPDs cut people out of their life." She said this was a symptom of BPD.

I went to therapy today. When I mentioned this to my therapist, she said, "BPDs don't cut people out of their lives. They may temporarily get away from them because they feel too intimate, and fear being found out as being a liar... .They get cut out of people's live because they behave in a way that makes people want to cut them out."

It's weird that I would see this immediately after hearing that from a therapist.
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« Reply #37 on: August 23, 2014, 06:32:18 AM »

1 Week since i initiated NC. Still think a lot about her but now i don't want to go back. My replacement who also left her after she went after another guy and who is NC day 7 as well said that she posted yesterday on Facebook a text where she talks that she did well by cutting off some people that did bad to her (we both found this amusing, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), so it seems she is sticking to the role of victim) and that she is starting to love herself more than she ever did before.

Thank god i removed her from facebook so i dont see depressing stuff like this, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Haha... .this rings a bell. BPD's love a "I cut them out of MY life and now I am happy"

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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woofhound
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« Reply #38 on: August 23, 2014, 04:02:54 PM »

7 DAYS Y'ALL!
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« Reply #39 on: August 23, 2014, 04:12:58 PM »

Congrats on your 1 week "staying clean" woofhound! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yeeeehaaa!

Im on day 6 today! Felt an urge today to check his FB, but came to my senses and didnt do it. His page is probably full of hatefull crap anyway... .Why torture myself?

Going on day 7! 1 week clean for me too! Cheers to that!
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« Reply #40 on: August 23, 2014, 04:46:44 PM »

Congrats on your 1 week "staying clean" woofhound! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yeeeehaaa!

Im on day 6 today! Felt an urge today to check his FB, but came to my senses and didnt do it. His page is probably full of hatefull crap anyway... .Why torture myself?

Going on day 7! 1 week clean for me too! Cheers to that!

I'll drink to that!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #41 on: August 24, 2014, 12:32:53 AM »

Woo hoo Woofhound and Recooperating-- so great!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

I'm not seven days clean in terms of NC, but I would say I'm seven days clean in terms of not wanting to get back together, which is definitely something.
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« Reply #42 on: August 24, 2014, 09:32:35 AM »

Woo hoo Woofhound and Recooperating-- so great!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

I'm not seven days clean in terms of NC, but I would say I'm seven days clean in terms of not wanting to get back together, which is definitely something.

Sunshine, you make Uncle Woofhound proud! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #43 on: August 24, 2014, 10:39:26 AM »

Good for you KC & Woofhound! We can be damn proud of ourselfs of I might say so!

Day 7 peeps!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Contemplating my week:

- Do I miss him: No! Yet I still talk him in my head... .Weird!

- Have not cried one tear... .I cried before making my final decision, didnt cry since. In denial... .? Dont think so, but maybe emotionally closed? I just dont feel like crying... .

- I do feel sad, but at the same time a MAJOR sense of releaf. I enjoy being able go where ever I want to with out drama!

- When walking the street and seeing an attractive man, Im like... .Okay  Smiling (click to insert in post) I am not in the least bit ready for a new relationship, but knowing the future holds lots of possibilities is GOOD!

- I am wondering how he is doing, I know he hates me and he feels like I ruined his life. Feel bad, but know he had enough chances... .Still feel somewhat guilty.

- Spent a lot of time here on the board realising so mich more about the unhealty r/s. Seeing more and more what happened, how he played me like an organ in every little aspect of life.

Tomorrow Im going on a trip to my parents cabin in the woods. So looking forward to long hikes with my dog in the woods... .Away from the hectic city! Clear my head some more and spend some quality time with my folks... .

Have a good week with lots of silence and sanity people!

Opening the bottle now and enjoying a good glass of victory wine!

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kc sunshine
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« Reply #44 on: August 24, 2014, 12:20:08 PM »

Hello NC gang!

Yes to not missing my BPD ex but still talking to her in my head-- so strange.  And to the relief of not having to engage in the drama  There's so much else we can do with our days! Let's see what today brings.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

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« Reply #45 on: August 25, 2014, 08:34:50 AM »

Here goes another day. How are you all doing? I'm still up and down a bit, still ruminating a bit. Had a fun night out with friends though, last night Smiling (click to insert in post) (and thought of you, recooperating!)
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« Reply #46 on: August 25, 2014, 10:49:53 AM »

Hey KC!

I feel honoured!  Smiling (click to insert in post) It almost makes me "do a little dance... .Make a little love and get down tonight!"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Hope you had fun and enjoyed a BS free time out!

Doing ok here too, had to see my T today and then went to my parents cabin in the woods!

Still ruminating, wondering how he's doing, then thinking why the ___ would I care and then back to ruminating... .Dont miss him, but without him I just have A LOT of free time on my hands that I need to fill with other stuff now... .Guess thats what I am stuggling with... .

Day 8 is going great, cant complain!
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« Reply #47 on: August 25, 2014, 01:37:43 PM »

Hey KC!

I feel honoured!  Smiling (click to insert in post) It almost makes me "do a little dance... .Make a little love and get down tonight!"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Hope you had fun and enjoyed a BS free time out!

Doing ok here too, had to see my T today and then went to my parents cabin in the woods!

Still ruminating, wondering how he's doing, then thinking why the ___ would I care and then back to ruminating... .Dont miss him, but without him I just have A LOT of free time on my hands that I need to fill with other stuff now... .Guess thats what I am stuggling with... .

Day 8 is going great, cant complain!

I've been working out every morning, on lunch break, and at night. Push ups, sit ups, leg lifts, jogging, weighted bokken training, and i'm getting a heavy bag tomorrow. I'm also focusing on eating a healthy balanced diet. I've lost 15 lbs and I feel amazing. The tone of my muscles is also getting pretty handsome! The next time my ex shows up im gonna be happier, healthier and sexier... .And I cannot wait for her to spill a line of BS about how she's changed... .That way I can be like "Sorry, but im focusing on myself now. I'm gonna go over there (do the bicep flex pointing thing) and do some pull ups. See ya." Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #48 on: August 25, 2014, 03:56:32 PM »

Woo hoo, Woofhound! I wish there was a muscle flexing emoticon here! That sounds fantastic!

I was feeling a little down today and went on a long run too-- it totally helped. Also,  today is kind of stressful 'cause I have lots to do at work and it's the first day of school for my kiddo-- but instead of focusing on those things, I was kind of ruminating about my ex. In the middle of that rumination, I realized that it could be that my mind was playing tricks on me, making me think I was down 'cause of the exBPD situation-- perhaps I'm just so used to channeling emotion into the relationship, that it's hard to put the emotion on its real cause (work/parenting stress) instead. That was a helpful thought to me. Do any of you find yourselves doing that too?

Here goes some push ups, inspired by woofhound!
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« Reply #49 on: August 25, 2014, 04:55:54 PM »

Wow you guys... .Working out, running? You both are going to be mean lean killing machines! (Could use that emoticon here to flexing muscles!)

I wish I could find the strenght to work out... .I walk my dogs 2 hrs a day... .Walk a lot of stairs since I live on the top floor and there is no elevator and have to carry the dog up... .Thats all I do. I always say, I'll only run if the police is chasing me... .  Smiling (click to insert in post)

KC I get your point completely! I am struggling with my bosses, we have some big issues that we cant agree on and today I found out they deducted 500 euros from this months pay without informing me! *ssholes! I felt angry and emotion levels were higher then they needed to be. I got that pit stomach feeling of nerves, anxiety and I thought... .I miss him!

The thought of contacting or just checking FB came up, but I didnt!

Do you think the drama and BS got addictive. The rush of a fight, the drama somehow found a place in our normal way of live that with every little hick up we now get triggered into that feeling again?  I mean I love this quiet state, no drama, no BS, but still ... .

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« Reply #50 on: August 26, 2014, 02:58:49 PM »

Day 2 NC. Mostly okay, though for some weird reason when I check my texts, I still hope to see one from her. Weird because 98% of her texts for the past month have been scathing-- why would I want to see texts like that? Any, onward comrades!
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« Reply #51 on: August 26, 2014, 03:21:08 PM »

I understand completely KC... I feel the same... .Constantly grabbing my phone... .But he's blocked everywhere so what do I expect?

Im just gonna trust the process and have faith that it will get better with time... .

NC Day 9 was fine... .

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« Reply #52 on: August 26, 2014, 04:38:33 PM »

Hi!

Day 4 nc on his part day 5 nc on my part. Every day is getting easier. I deleted his skype, what's app and have not made any attempt to reach out. I have not yet deleted the last 9 months of texts or pictures, but one day at a time. It hurts like hell. I'm never going to know the truth! It really does not matter anymore. It's my turn now again to live footloose and fancy free like I was the day we met! Everything looks brighter again. My shoulders have loosened. I don't have to worry about triggers, his good or bad moments, his anger, disapproval of basically everything, his arguments about basically everything, his needing to know where I am every second, false accusations, lies, storming out of my house and getting the silent treatment, waiting for him to get to my home before going out to avoid fights, and too many other crazy things. LIFE IS GOOD, freedom is peaceful!

Thank goodness for these threads and a great support system of friends and family who are around.

Looking forward to total no contact on both ends to hit 1 week! Friday I will dance and toast to it!

Good luck to you all. It is very hard! I miss his kind side and his amazing passion, but it is not enough. I am thankful that I have no children with him and no other things that could bind us together.

Struggling but chugging forward. I know I deserve better and and running( ok walking fast) to the light!

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« Reply #53 on: August 26, 2014, 06:29:25 PM »

Keep strong Rifka!

Trust me, you already know the truth even tough you dont have proof. You just dont accept it.

I didnt accept mine either until i heard a taped phone call my replacement gave me where she admitted betraying us both with another guy... .But i already felt all the lies and betrayals. They just became real with proof. But i knew everything! My eyes just opened wide after the revelation but was nothing i didnt already suspect.

I know how hard it is not to have something you can hold to that shows you what he is. You always have his actions that speak louder than his words.

1 week mark is nice. I almost had a relapse tough 2 days after it. But hold strong and time will cure everything!
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« Reply #54 on: August 27, 2014, 08:13:35 AM »

Heading into NC day 3! I have an text brewing in my head for her, but I'm gonna do woofhound's push-up cure to try to get it out! Here goes nothing!   
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« Reply #55 on: August 27, 2014, 08:51:08 AM »

Good luck with day 3 kc! Why are you thinking of sending a text. Maybe it will be better to think of a letter or text to send to yourself. Try and focus on whatever makes you happy and what you feel was wrong and unacceptable with your exBPD. If you mentally are thinking about another text then aren't you just recycling yourself in your own mind temporarily. That would be too tempting for me to write it and hit send and start day 1 all over again. I did all of that during my first three recycling events. I realized that it was just setting me up to get into another battle with myself and my own emotions and going back to the drawing board thinking how did this happen again, but I really knew!

I still love so deeply that amazing man that I met and had 9 months of unbelievable fun, silliness, passion,dancing, but I feel it was not real! Honestly I don't know what was real or just acting to set me up for the next bomb that was definitely going to explode at some point.

I took a lot from him and I accept it was my own fault. The good was so amazing that I figured I can deal with his bad mood that would eventually become 50/50 half good half bad. At that point I bailed, it was too much to accept. The lies, the deception, it was crazy! Sex was his greatest tool that in the end was used as a weapon that he could give lovingly or withhold to punish.

Kc please don't prepare your text, it will bring you back to day 1 again. You can do this! You have people here cheering you on to the finish line of each day! It is very difficult but it is for you. It's a cold hard fact that they mean more to us then we mean or meant to them. I don't want to be anybodies puppet anymore and that is the goal of these people. It is up to us to pull it together and stand up for ourselves. What do you feel good can come from sending the text or even mentally preparing one. It is keeping you from moving forward for you, which you really need to do.

Do you want her back?

Maybe your pride does, but I know that we will all find much healthier people if we just stand our ground and get healthier ourselves. Time does heal, but it hurts like hell in the process.

Go volunteer somewhere or do something you love with people who love you or alone if you prefer, just do something healthy for yourself.

I love to dance so Friday I have a huge party planned to dance the night away and try not to focus on pain but on my pleasure.

What do you love to do? Do it!
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« Reply #56 on: August 27, 2014, 09:26:09 AM »

Keep strong Rifka!

Trust me, you already know the truth even tough you dont have proof. You just dont accept it.

I didnt accept mine either until i heard a taped phone call my replacement gave me where she admitted betraying us both with another guy... .But i already felt all the lies and betrayals. They just became real with proof. But i knew everything! My eyes just opened wide after the revelation but was nothing i didnt already suspect.

I know how hard it is not to have something you can hold to that shows you what he is. You always have his actions that speak louder than his words.

1 week mark is nice. I almost had a relapse tough 2 days after it. But hold strong and time will cure everything!

I know the truth about what I felt and my part of the relationship because my communication was truthful, from my heart and always open.

The truth I would love to understand is what they were truly thinking when we were giving them our hearts, love, our bodies and loving completely on our ends.

Did he venture out and expose us to disease during a fight of silence that he would disappear for days.

Was there really any love on his part or was it all a horrible game to him?

There was no real closure, I just closed the door on his last lie that he confirmed. I knew it was the last straw for me. I could never be disrespected again the same way since he was completely aware that he was disrespecting me and chose to do it anyway knowing that I had told him it would be the last straw.

He did not believe me because he saw I took him back before with his crocodile tears and begging and pleading and promises of therapy.

It was all my fault that I allowed this!

Now it is my mission to work on me and heal myself one day at a time. Have fun, learn as much as I can about this disorder and about how to prevent it from ever coming into my life again. The most important thing right now is to fix me! I am never going to change being kind, giving, loving, and available to help whoever I can, I just have more knowledge now to understand some people see those things as a weakness and a goal to take over.

I do not give my heart over easily. This took months of being together 7 nights a week.

As time passes I see much clearer from the distance things that were wrong but where not clear being in the middle of it.

There were many signs that I should run, he even told me to run, that everybody does. A ploy to make a good person stay because who wants to be another one on a list of people who have deserted.

Wow the things you see as time passes. I have not been with him physically since August 3rd when he ran out my door on yet another fit for me not respecting him game! Apparently it is normal for loving couples to want to put tracking device apps on each other's phone to know where each other is every second of the day!

In my world it's stalking, but his world just another ploy of control! Never going to happen on my part.

Good riddens!

I have seen the light and I am heading to grab it and go forward with no intention of looking back except to accept the experience and lessons and knowledge.

I don't want that life back and I am the only one who can make sure that does not happen!
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« Reply #57 on: August 27, 2014, 10:29:40 AM »

Apparently it is normal for loving couples to want to put tracking device apps on each other's phone to know where each other is every second of the day!

In my world it's stalking, but his world just another ploy of control! Never going to happen on my part.

my ex didn't go that far, but he STILL demands (via text) to know where i am. he claims he "likes to know my whereabouts." uh huh 

today is day 3 of NC for me. i have received a barrage of texts and phone calls from my ex. ignore, ignore, ignore! this still counts as NC, right?
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« Reply #58 on: August 27, 2014, 10:44:16 AM »

Day 10 of complete NC! I am up and down today. Felt sad this morning, but this afternoon I went for a long hike in the mountains with my dad and felt great.

Piecofme: cant you block him on your phone so you dont get bombed with texts? I can imagine that receiving them also causes anxiety and stress? I was able to block his phone number so I dont receive texts and incoming calls. He can send then, but they are not delivered to my phone anymore... .

Keep up the silence, tranqility and path to sanity every one!

We can do this! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #59 on: August 27, 2014, 11:07:46 AM »

recooperating, we were in the process of moving in together, which i am still undoing. once i get his things out of what was supposed to be our new home, i will block him! in the meantime, you are right - every text and phone call gives me the shakes and makes my heart race.

congrats on 10 days! we'll feel up and down for awhile and i think that's normal. stay strong!
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« Reply #60 on: August 27, 2014, 11:27:01 AM »

recooperating, we were in the process of moving in together, which i am still undoing. once i get his things out of what was supposed to be our new home, i will block him! in the meantime, you are right - every text and phone call gives me the shakes and makes my heart race.

Sorry to hear that Pieceofme! I can only imagine how your body must respond to every text! Its screaming DANGER and there come the panic attacks... .! I really hope everything will be taken care of smoothly and asap for you! This must be some sort of "twilight" state for you!

Hang in there pieceofme! Soon piece-of-me will be peace-of-mind!
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« Reply #61 on: August 27, 2014, 11:30:30 AM »

I'm back to day 1 again after around 30 days of no contact. She starts being nice to me and started talking, i talked back. I kind of feel guilty now.
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Junknown
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« Reply #62 on: August 27, 2014, 11:32:21 AM »

Keep strong Rifka!

Trust me, you already know the truth even tough you dont have proof. You just dont accept it.

I didnt accept mine either until i heard a taped phone call my replacement gave me where she admitted betraying us both with another guy... .But i already felt all the lies and betrayals. They just became real with proof. But i knew everything! My eyes just opened wide after the revelation but was nothing i didnt already suspect.

I know how hard it is not to have something you can hold to that shows you what he is. You always have his actions that speak louder than his words.

1 week mark is nice. I almost had a relapse tough 2 days after it. But hold strong and time will cure everything!

I know the truth about what I felt and my part of the relationship because my communication was truthful, from my heart and always open.

The truth I would love to understand is what they were truly thinking when we were giving them our hearts, love, our bodies and loving completely on our ends.

Did he venture out and expose us to disease during a fight of silence that he would disappear for days.

Was there really any love on his part or was it all a horrible game to him?

There was no real closure, I just closed the door on his last lie that he confirmed. I knew it was the last straw for me. I could never be disrespected again the same way since he was completely aware that he was disrespecting me and chose to do it anyway knowing that I had told him it would be the last straw.

He did not believe me because he saw I took him back before with his crocodile tears and begging and pleading and promises of therapy.

It was all my fault that I allowed this!

Now it is my mission to work on me and heal myself one day at a time. Have fun, learn as much as I can about this disorder and about how to prevent it from ever coming into my life again. The most important thing right now is to fix me! I am never going to change being kind, giving, loving, and available to help whoever I can, I just have more knowledge now to understand some people see those things as a weakness and a goal to take over.

I do not give my heart over easily. This took months of being together 7 nights a week.

As time passes I see much clearer from the distance things that were wrong but where not clear being in the middle of it.

There were many signs that I should run, he even told me to run, that everybody does. A ploy to make a good person stay because who wants to be another one on a list of people who have deserted.

Wow the things you see as time passes. I have not been with him physically since August 3rd when he ran out my door on yet another fit for me not respecting him game! Apparently it is normal for loving couples to want to put tracking device apps on each other's phone to know where each other is every second of the day!

In my world it's stalking, but his world just another ploy of control! Never going to happen on my part.

Good riddens!

I have seen the light and I am heading to grab it and go forward with no intention of looking back except to accept the experience and lessons and knowledge.

I don't want that life back and I am the only one who can make sure that does not happen!

I see what you mean. I also wondered about the truth on what i lived with her. If it was real or pure illusion. I didnt get any accurate answer but i know that for me it was real. In my illusion, i loved her and gave all my soul to this person. In the end, i discovered the lies and deceiving that went since the beggining. Right when we started dating i think she was involved with someone else and dumped him. It was our first discussion, as i had talked to him and it seemed like she only left him after she started being my girlfriend. But she managed to get me on track with manipulation. I fell for it and from there on i was her dedicated boyfriend until now... .

Apart from all that which happened i think she loved me. But in her own way of what love is. A distorted way. Which doesnt make it more or less loving. Makes it her twisted way to love someone (or more than one person in this case) and i have to accept that she gave me her love but it wasnt a normal love and it wasn't exclusive and it wasnt a healthy love. Doesnt make it more or less valid than the normal love. Its a different way of loving the other based mainly on need. A diseased love... .

I cant change the way she sees and lives her love, i cant change the fact she cant love just one person and by loving so many she cant truly love anyone. I cant change the fact that to her love=sex. I have to accept it, its her way of loving and by accepting it, i accepted that we were both on love. But our love was different. And now i now that my kind of love is incompatible with her kind of love... .

We had our moments together. To both of us they meant something. Dunno what they meant exactly to her but i know what they meant to me. When i looked at her face and i see some of the photos of us or some vídeos i recorded of her with us both talking to each other, she has a beautiful smile and a childish expression of happiness in her face. So i must assume they meant a lot to her BUT when she was living them! After they passed she couldnt make anything useful out of them. She would more easily remember the bad things and throw them at me in a discussion than the good moments. The good moments just came up when i left her. Then she remembered and suffered from the memories. And used them to get me back. But i couldnt be back to someone who lives just in the here and now and forgets all the story that has been written until that present.

Anyway im saving all those moments i had with her. Because i loved and still love her and because, even tough i dont know what they mattered to her i know what they mattered to me. And i dont want to throw away the good parts of what i had. Ill just keep them on my chest of memories. Nothing more than that, just memories.
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« Reply #63 on: August 27, 2014, 11:34:10 AM »

I'm back to day 1 again after around 30 days of no contact. She starts being nice to me and started talking, i talked back. I kind of feel guilty now.

Dont feel guilty! You did great! Congrats on not recycling and keeping you head together! You should be proud of yourself! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #64 on: August 27, 2014, 12:02:01 PM »

Hi all! I feel like part of such a great NC gang! We can do it! Thanks for your words Rifka, they make a lot of sense. Isn't so great that healing involves doing what we love? So much better than having to take gross medicine or do painful physical therapy exercises (well I guess the push ups are something like that!)
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« Reply #65 on: August 27, 2014, 12:39:07 PM »

i am under attack again this morning... .

"are you just going to ignore me forever now?"

it makes me feel really guilty. what do i do?
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« Reply #66 on: August 27, 2014, 12:55:36 PM »

i am under attack again this morning... .

"are you just going to ignore me forever now?"

it makes me feel really guilty. what do i do?

Okay, gonna be a real b*tch here... .But couple of questions:

Did he ever feel guilty for what he did to you?

Why would you feel guilty? Obviously he doesnt like to be ignored, his "supply" is cut off!

You have NO OBLIGATION to answer him! Do what is best for you! What is best for your health, what is best for your stress levels! Turn off your phone and do something you love!

Find a distraction!

Would it be better for you if you tell him he can only contact you through email and block him on your phone. That way you'd be more in "control" as to when YOU choose to read and open your mail. Now he can text you whenever he wants and it makes you feel anxious. When you communicate via email, you can choose to check it at a moment of your choice and you can prepare for ___ coming your way... .?
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« Reply #67 on: August 27, 2014, 01:06:30 PM »

recooperating, he's never felt guilty. i honestly don't think he thinks he's ever done anything wrong... ."wrong."

i feel guilty because i don't like being mean. i don't want to hurt him, even though he has hurt me.

his "supply" isn't cut off. i saw her car at his house this morning

thank you for the reality check. you're right. i have no obligation to answer him. i need to work on staying calm. even though he doesn't know his constant communication attempts stress me, i feel like my body's physical reaction still lets him win. he doesn't get to win anymore!

thanks for the support 
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« Reply #68 on: August 27, 2014, 01:15:54 PM »

  good job pieceofme! Still NC! Stay strong!

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« Reply #69 on: August 27, 2014, 01:23:39 PM »

Staff only

This topic has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic. Please feel free to start a new thread.
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