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Author Topic: Anyone else on NC day 1? Want to count the days together?  (Read 3103 times)
Recooperating
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 362



« Reply #60 on: August 27, 2014, 11:27:01 AM »

recooperating, we were in the process of moving in together, which i am still undoing. once i get his things out of what was supposed to be our new home, i will block him! in the meantime, you are right - every text and phone call gives me the shakes and makes my heart race.

Sorry to hear that Pieceofme! I can only imagine how your body must respond to every text! Its screaming DANGER and there come the panic attacks... .! I really hope everything will be taken care of smoothly and asap for you! This must be some sort of "twilight" state for you!

Hang in there pieceofme! Soon piece-of-me will be peace-of-mind!
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Bak86
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Posts: 351



« Reply #61 on: August 27, 2014, 11:30:30 AM »

I'm back to day 1 again after around 30 days of no contact. She starts being nice to me and started talking, i talked back. I kind of feel guilty now.
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Junknown
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Over - After 1 year and 7 months
Posts: 116


« Reply #62 on: August 27, 2014, 11:32:21 AM »

Keep strong Rifka!

Trust me, you already know the truth even tough you dont have proof. You just dont accept it.

I didnt accept mine either until i heard a taped phone call my replacement gave me where she admitted betraying us both with another guy... .But i already felt all the lies and betrayals. They just became real with proof. But i knew everything! My eyes just opened wide after the revelation but was nothing i didnt already suspect.

I know how hard it is not to have something you can hold to that shows you what he is. You always have his actions that speak louder than his words.

1 week mark is nice. I almost had a relapse tough 2 days after it. But hold strong and time will cure everything!

I know the truth about what I felt and my part of the relationship because my communication was truthful, from my heart and always open.

The truth I would love to understand is what they were truly thinking when we were giving them our hearts, love, our bodies and loving completely on our ends.

Did he venture out and expose us to disease during a fight of silence that he would disappear for days.

Was there really any love on his part or was it all a horrible game to him?

There was no real closure, I just closed the door on his last lie that he confirmed. I knew it was the last straw for me. I could never be disrespected again the same way since he was completely aware that he was disrespecting me and chose to do it anyway knowing that I had told him it would be the last straw.

He did not believe me because he saw I took him back before with his crocodile tears and begging and pleading and promises of therapy.

It was all my fault that I allowed this!

Now it is my mission to work on me and heal myself one day at a time. Have fun, learn as much as I can about this disorder and about how to prevent it from ever coming into my life again. The most important thing right now is to fix me! I am never going to change being kind, giving, loving, and available to help whoever I can, I just have more knowledge now to understand some people see those things as a weakness and a goal to take over.

I do not give my heart over easily. This took months of being together 7 nights a week.

As time passes I see much clearer from the distance things that were wrong but where not clear being in the middle of it.

There were many signs that I should run, he even told me to run, that everybody does. A ploy to make a good person stay because who wants to be another one on a list of people who have deserted.

Wow the things you see as time passes. I have not been with him physically since August 3rd when he ran out my door on yet another fit for me not respecting him game! Apparently it is normal for loving couples to want to put tracking device apps on each other's phone to know where each other is every second of the day!

In my world it's stalking, but his world just another ploy of control! Never going to happen on my part.

Good riddens!

I have seen the light and I am heading to grab it and go forward with no intention of looking back except to accept the experience and lessons and knowledge.

I don't want that life back and I am the only one who can make sure that does not happen!

I see what you mean. I also wondered about the truth on what i lived with her. If it was real or pure illusion. I didnt get any accurate answer but i know that for me it was real. In my illusion, i loved her and gave all my soul to this person. In the end, i discovered the lies and deceiving that went since the beggining. Right when we started dating i think she was involved with someone else and dumped him. It was our first discussion, as i had talked to him and it seemed like she only left him after she started being my girlfriend. But she managed to get me on track with manipulation. I fell for it and from there on i was her dedicated boyfriend until now... .

Apart from all that which happened i think she loved me. But in her own way of what love is. A distorted way. Which doesnt make it more or less loving. Makes it her twisted way to love someone (or more than one person in this case) and i have to accept that she gave me her love but it wasnt a normal love and it wasn't exclusive and it wasnt a healthy love. Doesnt make it more or less valid than the normal love. Its a different way of loving the other based mainly on need. A diseased love... .

I cant change the way she sees and lives her love, i cant change the fact she cant love just one person and by loving so many she cant truly love anyone. I cant change the fact that to her love=sex. I have to accept it, its her way of loving and by accepting it, i accepted that we were both on love. But our love was different. And now i now that my kind of love is incompatible with her kind of love... .

We had our moments together. To both of us they meant something. Dunno what they meant exactly to her but i know what they meant to me. When i looked at her face and i see some of the photos of us or some vĂ­deos i recorded of her with us both talking to each other, she has a beautiful smile and a childish expression of happiness in her face. So i must assume they meant a lot to her BUT when she was living them! After they passed she couldnt make anything useful out of them. She would more easily remember the bad things and throw them at me in a discussion than the good moments. The good moments just came up when i left her. Then she remembered and suffered from the memories. And used them to get me back. But i couldnt be back to someone who lives just in the here and now and forgets all the story that has been written until that present.

Anyway im saving all those moments i had with her. Because i loved and still love her and because, even tough i dont know what they mattered to her i know what they mattered to me. And i dont want to throw away the good parts of what i had. Ill just keep them on my chest of memories. Nothing more than that, just memories.
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Recooperating
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 362



« Reply #63 on: August 27, 2014, 11:34:10 AM »

I'm back to day 1 again after around 30 days of no contact. She starts being nice to me and started talking, i talked back. I kind of feel guilty now.

Dont feel guilty! You did great! Congrats on not recycling and keeping you head together! You should be proud of yourself! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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kc sunshine
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #64 on: August 27, 2014, 12:02:01 PM »

Hi all! I feel like part of such a great NC gang! We can do it! Thanks for your words Rifka, they make a lot of sense. Isn't so great that healing involves doing what we love? So much better than having to take gross medicine or do painful physical therapy exercises (well I guess the push ups are something like that!)
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pieceofme
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 258


« Reply #65 on: August 27, 2014, 12:39:07 PM »

i am under attack again this morning... .

"are you just going to ignore me forever now?"

it makes me feel really guilty. what do i do?
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Recooperating
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 362



« Reply #66 on: August 27, 2014, 12:55:36 PM »

i am under attack again this morning... .

"are you just going to ignore me forever now?"

it makes me feel really guilty. what do i do?

Okay, gonna be a real b*tch here... .But couple of questions:

Did he ever feel guilty for what he did to you?

Why would you feel guilty? Obviously he doesnt like to be ignored, his "supply" is cut off!

You have NO OBLIGATION to answer him! Do what is best for you! What is best for your health, what is best for your stress levels! Turn off your phone and do something you love!

Find a distraction!

Would it be better for you if you tell him he can only contact you through email and block him on your phone. That way you'd be more in "control" as to when YOU choose to read and open your mail. Now he can text you whenever he wants and it makes you feel anxious. When you communicate via email, you can choose to check it at a moment of your choice and you can prepare for ___ coming your way... .?
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pieceofme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 258


« Reply #67 on: August 27, 2014, 01:06:30 PM »

recooperating, he's never felt guilty. i honestly don't think he thinks he's ever done anything wrong... ."wrong."

i feel guilty because i don't like being mean. i don't want to hurt him, even though he has hurt me.

his "supply" isn't cut off. i saw her car at his house this morning

thank you for the reality check. you're right. i have no obligation to answer him. i need to work on staying calm. even though he doesn't know his constant communication attempts stress me, i feel like my body's physical reaction still lets him win. he doesn't get to win anymore!

thanks for the support 
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Recooperating
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 362



« Reply #68 on: August 27, 2014, 01:15:54 PM »

  good job pieceofme! Still NC! Stay strong!

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LettingGo14
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 751



« Reply #69 on: August 27, 2014, 01:23:39 PM »

Staff only

This topic has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic. Please feel free to start a new thread.
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