What has your partner said about their new SO?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is what’s killing me. When my stbxw left me for another man she was telling me all about how special their connection was.

She would go on and on about how she finally “found true love” and that he was a “gift from the goddess” and that they had a “divine connection”.

She would say she never met someone who understood her like he did. That this new man made her realize just how unhappy she was in our marriage.

She also said that he was going to help her get over her issues stemming from her abusive family.

I put in 11 painful years trying to stay afloat in an abusive relationship with her. I worked so hard to meet her ever-changing needs. I did what I could to

show her I loved and cared for her. Only to be tossed aside for someone who she says will finally make her whole.

Please help me better understand that this is only her fantasy and not going to be a reality.

This jabs me really deep. I can’t stop thinking about those things she said at my most vulnerable of times.

[RisingSun]

This is what’s killing me. When my stbxw left me for another man she was telling me all about how special their connection was.

She would go on and on about how she finally “found true love” and that he was a “gift from the goddess” and that they had a “divine connection”.

She would say she never met someone who understood her like he did. That this new man made her realize just how unhappy she was in our marriage.

She also said that he was going to help her get over her issues stemming from her abusive family.

I put in 11 painful years trying to stay afloat in an abusive relationship with her. I worked so hard to meet her ever-changing needs. I did what I could to

show her I loved and cared for her. Only to be tossed aside for someone who she says will finally make her whole.

Please help me better understand that this is only her fantasy and not going to be a reality.

This jabs me really deep. I can’t stop thinking about those things she said at my most vulnerable of times.

[freedom33]

You know that this is bull___! Of course you do! Come on!

What are the chances of that happening?

If you believe that such chances are readily possible you must believe that if you play the lottery tomorrow you will win it!

Winning the lottery has more chances than what you describe!

[Mutt]

My ex had an affair in our marriage and left for the other man RisingSun. We were married for 4 years (not divorced yet) and together for 7.

A month after she left she said she's doing great and the kids are in a healthy relationship with the bf. She said the problem isn't there anymore because it was me all along.

It's not their relationship with the kids. Introducing a new man after separation was wrong for the kids. They need their space and time to heal. It was selfish on her behalf and narcissistic. The bf served her needs. She should have waited 6 months to a year and slowly introduced the new man. She destroyed one family and was hurriedly forcing everyone to follow suit around her needs. She projected her actions and behaviors on me. It's distortion.

She would go on and on about how she finally “found true love” and that he was a “gift from the goddess” and that they had a “divine connection”.

Affairs are truly devastating and I'm so sorry this happened. The reality of it is she is putting this man on a pedestal. You are hearing her idealization of him. The pendulum swings the other way as well? The devaluation. We were put on a high pedestal but eventually got knocked off - remember that the fall is long and hard. A criteria for BPD is unstable relationships and inability to sustain inter-personal relationships. She's in a honeymoon and back to her emotional baseline of happiness. She's thriving in this fantasy for now.

The mirror will eventually crack as it did for us if she is not commmited to therapy. The push pull behavior. What was once loved will be met with anger and vitriol.

Hearing this pours salts on our wounds. Distance yourself from receiving this type of information. It causes additional pain and suffering to an already broken heart. Mend the heart and wounds. She is distorting.

[RisingSun]

You know that this is bull! Of course you do! Come on!

What are the chances of that happening?

If you believe that such chances are readily possible you must believe that if you play the lottery tomorrow you will win it!

Winning the lottery has more chances than what you describe!

I hear you man. Before I knew about PDs I believed what she was saying about the OM. It was very traumatic for me and came as a huge shock.

I think I'm still processing this trauma.

I know she won't just snap out of her disorder. If she could, she would have over the course of our 11 years together. I didn't see much change

other than when she stopped being physically abusive after I put my foot down and threatened to leave her if it happened again.

I guess what still hurts is that she can temporarily live in denial with this new guy. He's getting all the honeymoon stuff I so craved to relive.

Also, the fact that she can just move on, while I'm left feeling such deep pain and emotional turmoil.

[Mutt]

I guess what still hurts is that she can temporarily live in denial with this new guy. He's getting all the honeymoon stuff I so craved to relive.

I waited the entirety of my r/s for the woman I met at beginning of the r/s. My own crazy making behavior. It doesn't go back to the idealization when we first met. You can't relive that same honeymoon. That woman is gone.

She is coping with this with maladaptive coping skills. You are different and it hurts deeply.

You have a long history together. Grieve it. Feel the emotions attached. I'm sorry.

[RisingSun]

My ex had an affair in our marriage and left for the other man RisingSun. We were married for 4 years (not divorced yet) and together for 7.

A month after she left she said she's doing great and the kids are in a healthy relationship with the bf. She said the problem isn't there anymore because it was me all along.

It's not their relationship with the kids. Introducing a new man after separation was wrong for the kids. They need their space and time to heal. It was selfish on her behalf and narcissistic. The bf served her needs. She should have waited 6 months to a year and slowly introduced the new man. She destroyed one family and was hurriedly forcing everyone to follow suit around her needs. She projected her actions and behaviors on me. It's distortion.

She would go on and on about how she finally “found true love” and that he was a “gift from the goddess” and that they had a “divine connection”.

Affairs are truly devastating and I'm so sorry this happened. The reality of it is she is putting this man on a pedestal. You are hearing her idealization of him. The pendulum swings the other way as well? The devaluation. We were put on a high pedestal but eventually got knocked off - remember that the fall is long and hard. A criteria for BPD is unstable relationships and inability to sustain inter-personal relationships. She's in a honeymoon and back to her emotional baseline of happiness. She's thriving in this fantasy for now.

The mirror will eventually crack as it did for us if she is not commmited to therapy. The push pull behavior. What was once loved will be met with anger and vitriol.

Hearing this pours salts on our wounds. Distance yourself from receiving this type of information. It causes additional pain and suffering to an already broken heart. Mend the heart and wounds. She is distorting.

Thank you for the support. Sorry you had to go through this with children involved. That was very selfish of your ex to expose the kids to this at such an early stage in your split.

I don't have contact with her any longer. I went NC two and half months ago. One of the main reasons I went NC was because of what she kept saying about this OM while devaluing me. It was heart wrenching and a big wakeup call for me. It was the reason I started to look into PDs. I knew beyond a doubt that she had to be F'd up after what she

pulled the last two months of our marriage.

[Mutt]

You made the right choice by going NC. The FOG lifts and you begin to see the forest for the trees - the dysfunctional behaviors. It's a fantasy for her for now. It is their r/s. It takes time for our triggers to lessen.

[RisingSun]

You made the right choice by going NC. The FOG lifts and you begin to see the forest for the trees - the dysfunctional behaviors. It's a fantasy for her for now. It is their r/s. It takes time for our triggers to lessen.

Before she showed her true colors (last two months of our marriage) I thought for years she just had "some issues". During the chaos she was spinning, leading to the end of our marriage, I woke up to her true psychosis. All the trees in the forest fell. Then I found out about BPD. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's real and what's not, in regards to our past relationship. Thanks for the help.

Oh, the triggers. This whole weekend has been a huge trigger. We spent every Labor Day weekend on the lake with her family. This is my first Labor Day weekend

in 11 years without going to the lake. The first time I met her whole family was on Labor Day.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife went on about how wonderful her new man is. That they had a connection that we never had. All the usual stuff you hear.

Four years down the line she is using me as a shoulder to cry on as he's moody and selfish etc etc.

Yes the new SO in a BPDs life is wonderful at first. This is because they don't have any baggage. Slowly as the relationship goes on the hour glass of slights, wrong answers and actions that the BPD perceives build up. Where once the top was full of how wonderful they where it has slowly dropped down into the bottom where all their bad feelings dwell.

It has been said how BPDs live in the moment and don't recall the good times but I cannot see this as being true as they can recall all the bad time perfectly well and draw upon them at any time to throw in our faces. I guess in the mind of a BPD the bad is a lot heavier than the good so tips the scales to bad.

[Popcorn71]

You know that this is bull! Of course you do! Come on!

What are the chances of that happening?

If you believe that such chances are readily possible you must believe that if you play the lottery tomorrow you will win it!

Winning the lottery has more chances than what you describe!

I have to say I agree with this!  But it is hard to think this way when you see them loved up with the replacement.

I actually questioned my exBPDh about how he is so lucky to be able to instantly find 'the love of his life' each time the previous relationship ends.  I said that most people have to date a few people before they find somebody compatible and asked him to explain how every woman he gets together with instantly becomes 'the one'.  I sarcastically told him that he must be incredibly lucky for this to happen.  He looked puzzled and agreed with me!

I think they are that used to lying that they even convince themselves in the end.

[Traumatized]

She said he's immature, a loser, an ___hole and that she's done with him.  Hours later they were engaged.

[walksoftly]

It all sounds so familiar. My ex told me how she had sex with her new man. She would talk to me about him almost as if I was her friend and she expected me to enjoy her new love. Told me I wasnt man enough. I knew they were having coffee and lunches together but I wasnt threatened because the guy is ten years older than her, not attractive and is overweight. Hes also going through his third messy divorce.

She introduced my daughter to him one week after she kicked me out of the house. She now textxs me calling me an idiot, etc.

This is not normal behaviour.

[Rise]

I know how much it stinks to be going through this. It hurts a lot. But it really does get easier with time. Six years after my first break up with my BPDex, and I've had to meet 5 or 6 different guys that were the "love of her life". I think after the 3rd one it stopped phasing me.

I know for me, I'm the sort of person that likes to put everything on me. If something is wrong, I make it my fault (It's a control thing). So when I broke up with my ex, it clearly had to be my fault. There had to be something horribly wrong with me if she'd rather be with her new guy instead of me. It took a while, but I eventually realized I wasn't the problem. It's not you either. The only thing that this guy has going for him that you don't is that he hasn't had time to be devalued yet. No matter what she's telling you, she's going to end up in the same miserable place eventually, because she's not going to ever learn from her mistakes.

You're right in the middle of it all. Give it time. I promise it gets easier. You're going to heal from this, and become stronger.

Best luck,

Rise

[Traumatized]

She would talk to me about him almost as if I was her friend and she expected me to enjoy her new love.

I get that too.  She loves to share the juicy details of her sexual encounters with me and each word is a knife in my heart.  Just last week she sent me naked pictures of some guy she has sex with from time to time.  Wow, just what I needed to see!  Thank you so much for sending those!  She also boasted how it's her duty to service as many men as she possibly can.  Her lack of empathy and sensitivity towards me is disgusting!

[RisingSun]

The only thing that this guy has going for him that you don't is that he hasn't had time to be devalued yet. No matter what she's telling you, she's going to end up in the same miserable place eventually, because she's not going to ever learn from her mistakes.

You're right in the middle of it all. Give it time. I promise it gets easier. You're going to heal from this, and become stronger.

Thank you for this Rise. My head understands what you're saying. My heart is dragging behind though. I had to live with her for 2 months while she was floating around the house acting like a teenager in love. One of the crazy things was, before I found out about OM I though that things were getting better from our couples counseling and that she was starting to relax and become happier in our marriage. Then I found out about the OM. That's when I realized she was floating around all giddy because of her new man.

This came as a huge shock which traumatized me. You see, we were on what I thought, and she had me believe, was a path to healing our marriage. Come to find out she was really on her way out. She tricked me big time when she did the old switcheroo.

So I find myself a bit stuck in regards to this piece of the situation since it hit me in such a literal way. If I was more removed from her antics I don't think it would have stabbed so deep and left such a scar. Being face to face with her swooning killed me.

I know they have it coming. I just wish I could experience their downfall sooner than later. She hasn't learned from her mistakes. She repeated them for the 11 years we were together. So I don't think she'll just magically be able to shed them off in a new relationship. But there's that lingering doubt.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I needed to hear that today.

[RisingSun]

I get that too.  She loves to share the juicy details of her sexual encounters with me and each word is a knife in my heart.  Just last week she sent me naked pictures of some guy she has sex with from time to time.  Wow, just what I needed to see!  Thank you so much for sending those!  She also boasted how it's her duty to service as many men as she possibly can.  Her lack of empathy and sensitivity towards me is disgusting!

I'd be blocking her number. What makes her think she's justified in punishing you like that? Man, I'm feeling your pain. Is there some reason you need to have contact with her?

If not, why are you still allowing her texts to be delivered?

[freedom33]

I know for me, I'm the sort of person that likes to put everything on me. If something is wrong, I make it my fault (It's a control thing).

I am the same way. I never thought about it as something that has to do with control. Thanks for sharing this. Food for thought.

[freedom33]

I get that too.  She loves to share the juicy details of her sexual encounters with me and each word is a knife in my heart.  Just last week she sent me naked pictures of some guy she has sex with from time to time.  Wow, just what I needed to see!  Thank you so much for sending those!  She also boasted how it's her duty to service as many men as she possibly can.  Her lack of empathy and sensitivity towards me is disgusting!

Dear lord! This makes my exBPDgf look like an angel compared to this. I am really sorry to hear this man. Why are you in contact with her? It is outrageous.

[Traumatized]

Rising Sun: She thinks she's justified to do that to me because she wants to make it clear that she is in a new relationship and I have no chance with her.  It's also an opportunity for her to exercise her sadistic nature, which of course she enjoys doing

The reason I have not blocked her number is because I am trauma bonded to her and full on addicted in the worst possible way.  In other words, I have some major issues too.

[freedom33]

The reason I have not blocked her number is because I am trauma bonded to her and full on addicted in the worst possible way.  In other words, I have some major issues too.

It can happen to anyone. Get over it first and then you can see if you actually have major issues or not. I don't agree with a lot of people here in the forum jumping into conclusions that just by having been in a rs with a pwBPD automatically means that you have major issues. Generalisations are simply not true. There are people that are run over by a truck because they generally don't pay attention when they are crossing the road. Then there are others who are simply unlucky. How do you know if you are one or the other (unless if you repeatedly date BPDs of course)? Give yourself some time and keep away from what is killing you!

[RisingSun]

Rising Sun: She thinks she's justified to do that to me because she wants to make it clear that she is in a new relationship and I have no chance with her.  It's also an opportunity for her to exercise her sadistic nature, which of course she enjoys doing

The reason I have not blocked her number is because I am trauma bonded to her and full on addicted in the worst possible way.  In other words, I have some major issues too.

This is the perfect life material that will give you the opportunity to learn this lesson once and for all and overcome a major issue you're holding onto. If you find your power now to rid yourself of this crazy btch, then you'll no longer have these "issues" you're connecting with at the moment. You've taken the first step in recovery. You're recognizing that you have an issue. Next step is act on solving this issue by going no contact. It's just like quitting a drug. Go cold turkey.   

For your own sake I hope you break this trauma bond and go NC. From what you've said, she's giving you the push to go NC. I know that going NC with my stbxw was/is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It gets easier though. You have all the evidence you need that she will continue to make your life hell as long as you have contact with her.

I know the pain very well. The first month was a living hell. Now it's getting better. Sometimes I get triggered. This passes in a day or so. Then I'm back on track. Each time it gets a little easier. You can do this. You deserve better.

[RisingSun]

The reason I have not blocked her number is because I am trauma bonded to her and full on addicted in the worst possible way.  In other words, I have some major issues too.

It can happen to anyone. Get over it first and then you can see if you actually have major issues or not. I don't agree with a lot of people here in the forum jumping into conclusions that just by having been in a rs with a pwBPD automatically means that you have major issues. Generalisations are simply not true. There are people that are run over by a truck because they generally don't pay attention when they are crossing the road. Then there are others who are simply unlucky. How do you know if you are one or the other (unless if you repeatedly date BPDs of course)? Give yourself some time and keep away from what is killing you!

I think freedom is correct.

You may not truly have issues. This "issue" could just be a product of the trauma you've experienced. There's a big difference between having issues and getting damaged from an abusive relationship and having an "issue". BPD have issues, NONs experience collateral damage because of someone else's issues and then they "have an issue".

I'm having "issues" but don't feel I have issues. Get what I'm saying. Big difference.

[Turkish]

Well I saw things she was writing to him. Fantasy idealization that she didn't even do with me. It's at a juvenile level, which stands to reason since the guy is young enough to be my son. I read some of it to my T and his response was, "sounds very junior highschoolish." She is a professional woman in her early 30s and mother of our two young children. Another thing she wrote was that "things were simple; of the essence," with him. Our r/s was too complicated, apparently, with the house and kids. BPD aside, there is truth to this.

She told me to my face, "I need someone to lead me and guide me," indicating that I failed at that. He's a guy immature even for his age. Still an undergrad. Not accomplished anything of note in life. If that's what she needs to "lead and guide" her, then more power to her. He's a better emotional match. I'm done "fathering" women.

[RisingSun]

Well I saw things she was writing to him. Fantasy idealization that she didn't even do with me. It's at a juvenile level, which stands to reason since the guy is young enough to be my son. I read some of it to my T and his response was, "sounds very junior highschoolish." She is a professional woman in her early 30s and mother of our two young children. Another thing she wrote was that "things were simple; of the essence," with him. Our r/s was too complicated, apparently, with the house and kids. BPD aside, there is truth to this.

She told me to my face, "I need someone to lead me and guide me," indicating that I failed at that. He's a guy immature even for his age. Still an undergrad. Not accomplished anything of note in life. If that's what she needs to "lead and guide" her, then more power to her. He's a better emotional match. I'm done "fathering" women.

Funny your T's response was the exact same response I got from mine when I told her of my stbxw's behavior.

My stbxw's new man has a shady past. He used to be an MD. His license was revoked because he had an affair with a suicidal patient. The patient ended up suing him. He lost his family in the process and is in extreme debt. This is my stbxw's "soul mate". Give me a break. She told me what an amazingly interesting past he had 

[freedom33]

Funny your T's response was the exact same response I got from mine when I told her of my stbxw's behavior.

I brought to my T one of the letters she wrote to me the first time I broke up with her just to get another perspective. At the time I wasnt sure if it was me or her or what the hell was going on.

He told me 'freedom33, this is just too much for one heart to feel - this is fantasy land'

It did feel good reading all that stuff though. It took me months to come down to earth and call it for what it was.

[Infern0]

Well mine is supposedly having the time of her life having recycled some poor guy from her past. She's treated him dreadfully,  friend zoning him for the past two years,  she says horrible things behind his back about him having performance issues, she's also embarrassed to be seen with him. He's hung round being used for 2 years because I don't think he has the intelligence to understand what's being done to him, sadly he's probably going to be damaged beyond repair when she's through.

She got with him and then threw it in my face when we had an argument.  I actually laughed because of all the stuff shed told me about him I thought she must be joking.

Well now she says they are going to be together forever,  he's emptying his bank account and already bought her a dog, expensive watch and is sending her ALONE on a holiday for a week (you stupid idiot)

She meanwhile is posting pics of all the gifts and saying how lucky she is, but has not one picture of him on any of her social media (must be still embarrassed by him)

Man I feel terrible for him, but a part of me hates him too. Meh

[Rise]

I just wish I could experience their downfall sooner than later. She hasn't learned from her mistakes. She repeated them for the 11 years we were together.

Just be careful RS. A lot of times we end up putting too much on our ex's next relationship falling apart. And it's understandable. We're looking for validation and proof it wasn't us. But it's a dangerous thing to count on. She made things last with you for 11 years, so it's not unreasonable to think her next relationship may not end for a while. The point is, not that her relationship is going to end, it's that the relationship is going to experience the same turmoil and instability that yours did. Being with a new person doesn't change who our exes are. It just means they have someone else to focus the disorder on.

I understand the complete shock of it. My ex agreed to marry me 2 weeks before she started dating my replacement. But the shock will fade, and you'll be able to start grieving the things you've lost. Nobody just wakes up one day and stops grieving. It's a process that takes a lot of time. But peace will come. Accepting that things are going to hurt for a while is part of it. But no matter how bad it gets, it's not going to kill you, and if you let yourself work through it, eventually it will stop hurting.

[RisingSun]

Just be careful RS. A lot of times we end up putting too much on our ex's next relationship falling apart. And it's understandable. We're looking for validation and proof it wasn't us. But it's a dangerous thing to count on. She made things last with you for 11 years, so it's not unreasonable to think her next relationship may not end for a while. The point is, not that her relationship is going to end, it's that the relationship is going to experience the same turmoil and instability that yours did. Being with a new person doesn't change who our exes are. It just means they have someone else to focus the disorder on.

I understand the complete shock of it. My ex agreed to marry me 2 weeks before she started dating my replacement. But the shock will fade, and you'll be able to start grieving the things you've lost. Nobody just wakes up one day and stops grieving. It's a process that takes a lot of time. But peace will come. Accepting that things are going to hurt for a while is part of it. But no matter how bad it gets, it's not going to kill you, and if you let yourself work through it, eventually it will stop hurting.

Thanks Rise.

I hear you. I shouldn't put much emphasis on their relationship ending. To be truthful, I have no way of finding out what goes down between the two of them. I don't plan on having contact with her ever again and I don't pry into her life.

I'm realizing healing from trauma like this is a protracted process. Just realized that a few days ago. I thought I had processed and accepted her leaving me for another man. Then the feelings came back to the surface to haunt me. Now it feels like I'm cycling through all the emotion again. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I know a lot of this healing just takes time and there's not a lot I can do about that. But damn, it's unnerving to feel so stuck and alone. Knowing that she's able to avoid facing the aftermath of our failed marriage and take reasonability for her part. She played the role of the master escape artist. She slipped out the backdoor, left me with the baggage and got out scot-free. That's just not fair. I want her to be alone so that she's forced to face reality. But that's out of my control. I'm trying my best to surrender all thought of justice being served. I'm finding this very challenging at the moment though.

 

[Mr Hollande]

When my stbxw left me for another man she was telling me all about how special their connection was.

She would go on and on about how she finally “found true love” and that he was a “gift from the goddess” and that they had a “divine connection”.  She would say she never met someone who understood her like he did. That this new man made her realize just how unhappy she was in our marriage.

She also said that he was going to help her get over her issues stemming from her abusive family.

Which put through the BPD translator comes out as "same ___, different man".

[Infern0]

I'm quite a good talker and thus I was able to get nuggets of truth out of my BPD.

Some admissions

"I'm not happy with him"

"I'm not attracted to him"

I know these things to be truth so the replacement doesn't faze me much really. The worrying thing is the possible recycle attempt.  But deal with that if it comes