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Author Topic: Things your ex said after abandoning you for your replacement  (Read 6697 times)
maxen
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« Reply #30 on: September 05, 2014, 11:49:47 AM »

I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

yeah, this is the general theme behind what i'd be posting. that the other party interested in what she did - viz, me - was her husband, whom she once said she loved, who she knew has major depressive disorder (which she revealed after the end made her angry), and is just in general a human being, and so to whom she might owe some basic or even more than basic level of consideration, didn't appear to play any part in her thinking.
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« Reply #31 on: September 05, 2014, 11:55:44 AM »

Biggest doozie she ever told me was

'You are no longer useful to me'... .

This she screamed at me after I refused to tell her son, my stepson, that she did NOT cheat on me, even though she had met him already and slept with prior to telling me I was to sleep on the couch while she figured 'things' out.

Disgusting!  

But on the bright side she was right for once, I was no longer USEFUL to her   
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #32 on: September 05, 2014, 11:59:53 AM »

Excerpt
What a load of CRAP.  She can find a new "connection" (i.e. infatuation) like nothing.  She's a professional at it.

Despite being very smart and pretty, she is also intensely shy and has enormous social anxiety and self esteem issues. So in her world their shared social awkwardness, their nerdiness, darkness, and outsider status must have made it seem like they were simply destined to be together. Although she thought the two of us were "so lucky to have found each other," I think she really does believe it is a miracle that she found him.

They really do sound like dark, tortured reflections of each other. I told her they sound like a match made in hell.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #33 on: September 05, 2014, 12:02:31 PM »

Excerpt
What a load of CRAP.  She can find a new "connection" (i.e. infatuation) like nothing.  She's a professional at it.

Despite being very smart and pretty, she is also intensely shy and has enormous social anxiety and self esteem issues. So in her world their shared social awkwardness, their nerdiness, darkness, and outsider status must have made it seem like they were simply destined to be together. Although she thought the two of us were "so lucky to have found each other," I think she really does believe it is a miracle that she found him.

They really do sound like dark, tortured reflections of each other. I told her they sound like a match made in hell.

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EyesWidenedNow

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« Reply #34 on: September 05, 2014, 12:14:53 PM »

Her: "He is a million times the man than you are."

Me: ":)on't you think 2 days is pretty quick to go from sleeping together and tucking in your kids at night to sleeping with another man?"

Her: "I'm busy with work, I don't have time to date."

Me: "You don't think there is something wrong with that kind of thinking?"

Her: "Whatever. At least he can still **** me when he's drunk."

That my friends was as close to closure as I will get. It's been almost 90 days no contact, and I've just started to come around mentally/emotionally/physically about a month ago.

No contact is the KEY to healing. 
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #35 on: September 05, 2014, 12:37:12 PM »

I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

yeah, this is the general theme behind what i'd be posting. that the other party interested in what she did - viz, me - was her husband, whom she once said she loved, who she knew has major depressive disorder (which she revealed after the end made her angry), and is just in general a human being, and so to whom she might owe some basic or even more than basic level of consideration, didn't appear to play any part in her thinking.

Regarding a major depressive disorder: I have suffered those, and seven weeks out I'm now suffering one again. She knew this about me, and she has also suffered major depressive disorders, including one caused by her being abandoned by a lying, cheating ex. I pointed out that she knows exactly what this feels like. In fact I was in a partial hospitalization program due to her affair (luckily I have summers off). She accused me of using that to manipulate her, even though I started attending after I assumed she was gone for good. She recycled between me and the replacement two more times during my treatment, finally abandoning me for him ten days after my treatment ended.

Truly a horrific way to treat someone you will supposedly love the rest of your life.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

And she used to ask me to treat her like a princess, too.
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maxen
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« Reply #36 on: September 05, 2014, 02:34:31 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room.

i think this goes right to the core of BPD, the desperate need to be supported by someone without any comment ever, the intolerable sense of negative judgement. my w felt hurt by everything, and not just there at the end but also at other times in the marriage she felt wounded when i said that something she had done had hurt me. by being hurt by her, i had hurt her. i did do some things that hurt her, and at least i can say that i recognized what i had done and tried to make amends, but deep down she never forgave. that's the only self-awareness she ever showed: 'i don't forget, i don't forgive, and that's just the way i am.'
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« Reply #37 on: September 05, 2014, 02:54:03 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

Rest well in knowing that you are on the healing path. I am on the path to living a great life ... .you know your are healed when you truly feel sorry for her. I'm still a bit angry - but thats normal.
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« Reply #38 on: September 05, 2014, 03:10:57 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.
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« Reply #39 on: September 05, 2014, 03:58:49 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.

I got a similar line.

Her " I don't want to be with xxxx I want to be with you"

Me "Then the kindest thing to do is let xxxx go now because the longer it goes the worst it's going to be"

Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it
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« Reply #40 on: September 05, 2014, 04:25:29 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.

I got a similar line.

Her " I don't want to be with xxxx I want to be with you"

Me "Then the kindest thing to do is let xxxx go now because the longer it goes the worst it's going to be"

Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it

This. He has been suicidal for most of his life, and supposedly he was planning on taking his life sometime next year with his wife's approval. Who does this? I have no idea if this is even true, because it sounds so screwed up. But somehow I think she had enormous concern for him, but not much for me at all, even though I was suffering horrendous emotional pain. She knew that I had resigned from teaching at the university for the fall semester because of everything that was happening, the confusion and devastation, and therapy twice a week. Maybe if I selected a date to actually kill myself next year, she would've actually had more sympathy. 

When she insisted that she meant no harm, I asked her if she even once considered how I would feel. That was one a few times I think she's been completely honest with me. "No," she said. "I didn't. Not really. I was selfish."

God, what a horrible, twisted, sick person.
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« Reply #41 on: September 05, 2014, 10:00:39 PM »

My ex was cheating on me while we designed a house together, had it built, and I bought it.  Her response (one of them) when I found out later and confronted her?  "I didn't think of that."  Another response was, "Well, I didn't really want to leave you.  I just wanted to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$K him."  I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

I mentioned to my ex that there would always be members of the opposite sex in our lives that we would be drawn to, but that it was never an excuse to cheat. She demanded to know some of the women in my life that I was attracted to or had crushes on, and I named two-or-three that she had heard about. "You lied to me!" she exclaimed, as if I was supposed to admit to every attraction in my life. I simply pointed out that I never took a single step towards them. She still didn't get it.

"But what if they like you back?"

She merely said that it was so incredibly rare for her to make a connection that it was a miracle when it actually happened. So I guess it was a miracle for her to connect with him. Finally I came right out and said "how would you feel if this happened to you? Would you ever forgive me?" And the expression on her face seemed indicate that she'd never, ever even considered it like that.

Honestly, her moral reasoning and ethics were about as sophisticated as a four-year-old. Un effing believable.

... .a SELFISH 4-yr.-old!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #42 on: September 05, 2014, 10:11:11 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.

I got a similar line.

Her " I don't want to be with xxxx I want to be with you"

Me "Then the kindest thing to do is let xxxx go now because the longer it goes the worst it's going to be"

Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it

Oh My God... .I forgot this, mine used to say the exact same thing all the time after she left me 4 replacement:

"Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

"Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it."

They are so unbelievable and I felt the same way you did... .wow, it OK to hurt me though.

It was so painful and heartbreaking to have someone that you love to just abuse you like that, completely oblivious to how damaging their words were. (I think mine may have known EXACTLY what she was doing)

Very sick people.
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« Reply #43 on: September 05, 2014, 10:38:58 PM »

I'm actually glad she is back with her ex (guy before me) he is a doormat with no self esteem, he's like a adoring puppy and it doesn't matter how much she rubs his nose in it (which she did many times when she was with me) he'll keep coming back for more. She often said that "he would never leave me" and I believe her. But at least its a stable place for her tormented mind, mind you, it can't be a very fulfilling relationship, just two people acting their parts. But who knows, he may wake up and smell the roses someday?
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« Reply #44 on: September 06, 2014, 09:54:20 AM »

I forgot mine used to text me all the time last summer how sad and depressed she was. She would say she only loved me and wanted a life with me. She was with her replacement. I told her if she was unhappy and didn't love the replacement she should tell the replacement. It was the fair and right thing to do. 

Her response... .BINGO... ."I can't hurt him."  And then my favorite "Maybe I can learn to love him."  That one made me laugh. I was like sweetheart you dont even love or like yourself... .How are you ever going to love someone else.
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« Reply #45 on: September 06, 2014, 01:25:22 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

My replacement is still married, although his wife moved out recently. When we were together, her depression and anxiety were under control, she was excelling in school, was working two internships, had gotten letters of recommendation for grad school, was lining up post-graduation employment, and had two years of sobriety. She said she was the healthiest she had been in her adult life.

My replacement introduced her to the drug she is now addicted to, her grades plummeted, one internship was rated "unsatisfactory" and her depression and anxiety scores are far worse than a year ago, which was when her mental health was at its lowest while we were together. Now she sleeps half the day in a drugged stupor, preparing to start a new job at the end of the month that she is afraid she won't be able to keep because of her drug addiction and depression. And while she still "loves" me, my replacement is the one she "likes a lot" and she "chooses to be with at this time." Her rock. Her emotional connection. The one who understands her. Funny, but when she had decided to end their pre-affair "friendship", it was because he had essentially given up on everything in his life, a total screw up struggling to find reasons to stay alive, a drug addict and alcoholic. Now he's perfect for her.
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« Reply #46 on: September 06, 2014, 01:33:06 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

My replacement is still married, although his wife moved out recently. When we were together, her depression and anxiety were under control, she was excelling in school, was working two internships, had gotten letters of recommendation for grad school, was lining up post-graduation employment, and had two years of sobriety. She said she was the healthiest she had been in her adult life.

My replacement introduced her to the drug she is now addicted to, her grades plummeted, one internship was rated "unsatisfactory" and her depression and anxiety scores are far worse than a year ago, which was when her mental health was at its lowest while we were together. Now she sleeps half the day in a drugged stupor, preparing to start a new job at the end of the month that she is afraid she won't be able to keep because of her drug addiction and depression. And while she still "loves" me, my replacement is the one she "likes a lot" and she "chooses to be with at this time." Her rock. Her emotional connection. The one who understands her. Funny, but when she had decided to end their pre-affair "friendship", it was because he had essentially given up on everything in his life, a total screw up struggling to find reasons to stay alive, a drug addict and alcoholic. Now he's perfect for her.

Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #47 on: September 06, 2014, 01:48:14 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

My replacement is still married, although his wife moved out recently. When we were together, her depression and anxiety were under control, she was excelling in school, was working two internships, had gotten letters of recommendation for grad school, was lining up post-graduation employment, and had two years of sobriety. She said she was the healthiest she had been in her adult life.

My replacement introduced her to the drug she is now addicted to, her grades plummeted, one internship was rated "unsatisfactory" and her depression and anxiety scores are far worse than a year ago, which was when her mental health was at its lowest while we were together. Now she sleeps half the day in a drugged stupor, preparing to start a new job at the end of the month that she is afraid she won't be able to keep because of her drug addiction and depression. And while she still "loves" me, my replacement is the one she "likes a lot" and she "chooses to be with at this time." Her rock. Her emotional connection. The one who understands her. Funny, but when she had decided to end their pre-affair "friendship", it was because he had essentially given up on everything in his life, a total screw up struggling to find reasons to stay alive, a drug addict and alcoholic. Now he's perfect for her.

Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.

Oh my God. That made me weep. I am so, so sorry.
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« Reply #48 on: September 06, 2014, 05:40:46 PM »

Oddly enough my ex was a non but this thread has reminded me of something odd he said during the actual break up that I can see being typical of a BPD.

Me - 'Have you met someone else?'

Him - 'No! No... .kind of wish I had though, would make this a lot easier.'

Flew over my head at the time but now I look back I think, jeez what healthy brained, sane individual says something like that during a break up with someone they supposedly love and respect.
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« Reply #49 on: September 06, 2014, 07:27:20 PM »

Is there a book that these pwBPD go out and buy for these lame a$$ excuses and quotes? Got all the following:

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" - Yes your treatment of me for the past 7 weeks shows your love for me.

"We have nothing in common" - Shouldn't you have figured that out after 3 weeks or months? NOT 3 YEARS

"I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong"
- That explains the horrible and inhumane treatment.

"You were a mistake, I don't know why I'm with you" - In that case, maybe my mother should have aborted me!



"I've got to fix myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. It will be a long time before I'm in a relationship"
- That's why you have a new "friend" that you cheated on me with

Throughout the whole relationship - "Sex means nothing to me, I could go the rest of my life without sex and it wouldn't bother me" - You didn't seem to have a problem cheating on me, did you?

And

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« Reply #50 on: September 06, 2014, 07:31:52 PM »

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" - Yes your treatment of me for the past 7 weeks shows your love for me.

I got this line on our last day together. 2 weeks before she had told her dad that she had never loved a man like she loved me... .go figure.
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« Reply #51 on: September 06, 2014, 07:33:22 PM »

I just want to thank EVERYONE for posting on this thread. When my expwBPD cheated on me ran off with her new supply the things she said on a regular basis left me with my mouth hanging open, were EXTREMELY painful... .or both.  I have healed greatly since then, and I knew nothing about BPD back then, and now that I do and I can read about all of your experiences and find how similar that they were to mine and how they caused you to have the same feelings as I did, it really helps me to have some validation and comfort about that whole situation. Many times I was left confused thinking: "Am I getting this right? Is this really happening or is it me who has some kind of psychological problem?" I find it to be very confirming and healing that I was not the only one... .
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« Reply #52 on: September 06, 2014, 07:34:54 PM »

Excerpt
Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.

really? 
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #53 on: September 06, 2014, 08:09:40 PM »

Thought of a couple more... .

"I didn't ask you to forgive me", after I forgave her. - Well then why did you say that you know that you have hurt me badly and that you were sorry?

"You'll be happier by yourself" - Thank you for your consideration and making that decision for me.

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enlighten me
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #54 on: September 06, 2014, 08:17:52 PM »

Mine told me she would like to be able to look at me and not hate me.
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ajr5679
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« Reply #55 on: September 06, 2014, 09:34:56 PM »

mine said the same thing . I can`t hurt her.

and the best one that she used two times to leave me for her ex. I have to give her one more chance.

this time when she comes back I am going to say . I don`t want to give you another chance.


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willtimeheal
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: Split 4-2013 trying to work it out
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« Reply #56 on: September 06, 2014, 09:37:48 PM »

Excerpt
Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.

really?  

Yep. Pretty gross!

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enlighten me
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« Reply #57 on: September 06, 2014, 09:43:16 PM »

Don't mean to go off thread but my exgf had a weird friendship with her half brother. He's 10 years younger but she goes on about how good looking he is, how lovely he is etc etc. She also talks about his conquests and even sets up her friends with him. Its as if she gets her friends to live the life she wants. It always gave me a creepy incestuous feeling. I don't think it was reciprocated on his behalf though.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #58 on: September 06, 2014, 09:50:22 PM »

Don't mean to go off thread but my exgf had a weird friendship with her half brother. He's 10 years younger but she goes on about how good looking he is, how lovely he is etc etc. She also talks about his conquests and even sets up her friends with him. Its as if she gets her friends to live the life she wants. It always gave me a creepy incestuous feeling. I don't think it was reciprocated on his behalf though.

My ex BPD has this need to take care of her mentally ill, abusive, bigot, alcoholic, depressed brother. There is a strange bond there. Their childhood was extremely abusive in every sense. She wont leave him.  She needs to "raise" him even thou he is in his 30s. He has a sick obsession with her. I would hope nothing incestuous has happened but I do feel if he could have her he would go for it. And she just doesn't want to see it because he is her brother.
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Infern0
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« Reply #59 on: September 06, 2014, 10:35:28 PM »

Mine also talked about her brother in an odd way and he does look slightly "off". Man I don't want to even consider that horror.
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