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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Things your ex said after abandoning you for your replacement  (Read 7050 times)
Penumbra66
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« on: September 03, 2014, 07:08:48 PM »

I have come across a few posts where the ex seems to say the same things my ex said to me when she left me for my replacement after a year and a half. Reading a few of these posts made me feel a bit less crazy, placing the blame squarely on the BPD. Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

These things happen all the time. You need to accept that.

Breakouts are part of life. You can't escape life.

We can't always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to react.

You should consider Buddhism to better understand the transience of human relationships.

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

"My high school boyfriend betrayed me too, and I survived." When I pointed out that she blamed him for dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming an alcoholic, she said "it made me a stronger person, and I don't get as attached to people any more."

I thought you were strong enough to accept this.

75% of people in marriages cheat. I am a sociologist student, so I know. Cheating happens all the time.

I thought we had unconditional love. You knew I needed to grow.

You were a father figure to me. A father would understand.

How could you expect me to leave the one I'd fallen for (after a part time cheating relationship of two weeks or so)

You have to accept that people only stay as long as they want (while still telling me how much she loved and adored me.)

Would you rather I stay with you and pine for someone else?

I am not a liar. I never started lying until my relationship with him began.

I want to repair our relationship and make things right with you. (while continuing to cheat with my replacement)

I felt compelled to do this. It was good for my spirit.

That's one great thing about having an affair: it makes your self esteem go up.

I love you, I'm just not in love with you. Or maybe I am.

My heart is big enough for both of you. I just wanted to keep you both happy.

I will always love you. Let's not rule things out down the road.

I feel like I'm going to wake up possibly soon, possibly sober, and realize I made a terrible mistake. Feelings are still there, and they hang over me like a bad sign.

I like having sex with him. I was much more comfortable than I was with you the first time. He ______ me really hard in a lot of positions, and he blows giant _____.

I never removed you from my life. I simply changed our relationship, and you are not willing to be friends.

"You are my best friend. You are like family." When I called her on this she replied "you know how dysfunctional my family is."

We are soulmates.

I loved being with you. I just can't be with you right now.

You could have trusted me for a long time. I am not sure where I went wrong.

I am just very, very confused right now.

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2014, 07:55:56 PM »

Excerpt
I am just very, very confused right now.

Yes, being enmeshed with someone with a personality disorder is very confusing, especially when you don't know she has the disorder and what it entails.  I'm assuming she exhibits some borderline traits, which is what led you to this site, and by reading a lot of posts you will see your story over and over, which is comforting and validating in itself; you're not alone and your situation is not unique.

It's also helpful to learn about the disorder itself, plenty of resources on this site, that will help depersonalize it for you; she will do what she will do, and it would have happened to anyone.

But beyond all that, it hurts, I understand.  The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take very good care of yourself, diet, sleep, exercise, as little stress as you can, and move through the process of grieving the loss and learning a lot as you grow through it.  Keep posting, stay here, and take care of you!
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bungenstein
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2014, 08:14:50 PM »

I've spent countless days and nights, pawning over the things my ex has said to me throughout our relationship, and in the aftermath aswell. I know fully well that it is necessary to come to a complete understanding of the disorder and what we went through, in order to heal and get over it, and that involves analysing a lot of past situations, and words that have come out of her mouth.

After the relationship we were changed, we were sucked into an alien world of distorted thinking and crazy making, when you are living in a crazy persons world, you start to become crazy yourself. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with and the whole ordeal has taken so much away from me, much that whilst in the fog, denial, and numbness to the trauma, I didn't even know had been taken. Through the pain, and what a pain it is, you slowly start to see what you lost, and who you used to be, until you gradually begin to stop analysing the past, and stop these crazy situations and ridiculous sentences from spiraling around in your head, because as you begin to recover the person that you lost down the rabbit hole, you begin to see how meaningless this nonsense is.

I believe we only keep anaylsing it and trying to make sense of it because we still feel crazy ourselves, with sanity comes lack of care for past anaylsis, because thats when you truly understand that none of it has any meaning, and thus no more thought is required on something that doesn't warrant it.

Its madness, pure and simple, and the longer you exposed to it, whether in person, or in your mind, the more chance it has of destroying your life, I pity the person that is next sedated by my ex, I just hope they get away in time.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2014, 08:27:17 PM »

.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2014, 08:49:33 PM »

I believe we only keep anaylsing it and trying to make sense of it because we still feel crazy ourselves, with sanity comes lack of care for past anaylsis, because thats when you truly understand that none of it has any meaning, and thus no more thought is required on something that doesn't warrant it.

I like the statement about sanity. That's a great point!
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 08:57:37 PM »

I believe we only keep anaylsing it and trying to make sense of it because we still feel crazy ourselves, with sanity comes lack of care for past anaylsis, because thats when you truly understand that none of it has any meaning, and thus no more thought is required on something that doesn't warrant it.

I like the statement about sanity. That's a great point!

And another useful frame is that people only hang around in our heads until the lessons they're there to teach get learned.  Once learned, they are free to move on.
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SC91

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« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2014, 09:23:24 PM »

Very similar to what my ex said, and some of them exactly the same!

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you. Or maybe I am."

-- My ex said I still love you and you are the one I have ever love the most. But our relationship has to end. That saying hurts me even more!

"I feel like I'm going to wake up possibly soon, possibly sober, and realize I made a terrible mistake. Feelings are still there, and they hang over me like a bad sign."

-- My ex would say she still dream of me, which I believe was true but hey why fuc*ing tell me your dream? It made me even more sad!

"I never removed you from my life. I simply changed our relationship, and you are not willing to be friends."

-- My ex said on her fb in those subtle smear campaign to her friend circle that "We cannot be enemy becos we loved so much. We cannot be friends because we hurt each other so much.". Then at the same time try to contact me to see if I am okay. While at the same time dump her emotions on fb with mix messages. God all those sentimental confusion things.

"You are my best friend. You are like family." When I called her on this she replied "you know how dysfunctional my family is."

-- After the crazy craps and she calm down year later, my ex said we are always part of family. Then I replied no, I dont see you as a family member but a friend. She then not happy and try to teach me what I should reply and the way I should talk to her. She said you can just simply say yes to me (she definitely knows she only need a verbal comfort, whether I actually mean it or not its another matter).

I am always an honest, straight forward person. Too straight forward to a point to perhaps make people uncomfortable sometimes. And this is a quality my good friends value me. She knows it so well but still try to change me?

Despite I still care of you but no you are not a family member. Because you simply are not by genetic, you simply are not by the betrayal you did to me, you simply are not becos your mindset dynamics doesnt fit into. Why would I invite such a trouble to my family circle worrying that the same crazy acts may happen again?

"We are soulmates."

-- This was what my ex repeat and repeat.

My ex would also said. I am the love of her life but the replacement character just suit her better, which was probably true so far. Becos I hold up my values, perception, worldview, and just refuse to change my character to fit her. Becos the timing I met her was just right, I knew what my attractions, good and weakness were and know where I stand in her love fairytale land.

It still hurts as I am writing here, that I have to complain her in public, analyse her and show it to strangers, disclose her private sayings in public up for others to comment. It all against my own values and that my values made me taken much more time to recover becos I kept all these to myself without getting help from others. I have this bit of feeling betrayal to my ex for doing this. I know silly me.
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hope2727
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« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 09:36:06 PM »

Mine told me I slammed the door closed on this relationship.

yay right.

I am the one still holding on.

I think I am a bit pathetic.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 10:27:39 PM »

Thank you all for your comments. It's true for me that I am feeling crazy myself after trying to make sense of her words and actions. I've fought a lifetime cronic disease, the loss of my aunts, cousins, grandparents, uncles, and father to disease, and spent two years recovering from an accident (while suffering some permanent problems), but I have never experienced dispair like this. I would not wish this madness on anyone.
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2014, 02:39:22 AM »

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you."

"You are my family (as she runs off with replacement)"

"Loss teaches us, I don't like it either"

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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2014, 05:13:12 AM »

"I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." Translation: I am cheating on you and the person I am cheating on you with fulfills all of my dreams the way you used to!

"I am just very very confused right now" Translation: stalling technique when a lie is not readily available, as soon as one is they will not be confused anymore.

Sarcasm aside... .I really identify with your despair... .it's godawful... .although mine NEVER admitted to the cheating.
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2014, 11:43:54 AM »

'You didn't do anything wrong'  (I knew that already)

'I couldn't see a future with you because you have a son'  (Errmmm I had him when you met me 9 years ago)

'There won't be any problems with her because her kids are grown up'  (Whoops, they haven't left home yet - out of the frying pan into the fire)

'You'll meet somebody else and he will be very lucky'  (What the heck!)

'You can't blame her, she didn't know about you at first'  (but she didn't care when she found out?)

'I'd like us to be friends and have a chat if we see each other around'  (Not a chance in hell)

'I used to love you but I don't now'  (So easy to switch off)

'I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders'  (Good for him, just as long as he's happy)

'I'm enjoying getting to know my family again'  (I never stopped you seeing them, you just couldn't be bothered)

'It's a shame, it just didn't work out but we had sme good times'  (Until you started beating up my son)
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« Reply #12 on: September 05, 2014, 06:26:34 AM »

"It just happened" (Meaning her affair with OM. A car accident just happens, not a relationship.)

"You're trying to control me!" (Well yes, because you're obviously out of control.)

"You're invalidating my feelings.” (Because I didn't want to hear how amazing their "deep connection" was.)

"Jane and John got remarried, maybe we can later down the road." (Not!)

"I'm at a place where I need to follow my feelings. There's no place for rational thought." (No comment.)

"I want to kill our marriage." (After I brought up our sacred commitment.)

"The marriage is no longer serving me." (It was always about her needs.)

"We were NEVER a good match." (We were together for 11 years.)

“I realize that I have enough room in my heart to love two people.” (She couldn’t even “love” one person enough to show them due respect.)

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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #13 on: September 05, 2014, 06:28:58 AM »

On the day she announced she was with him:

"I love him and I don't care how you feel about that"

A few weeks/months later on repeat:

"I miss you so much"

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Infern0
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« Reply #14 on: September 05, 2014, 06:32:57 AM »

On the day she announced she was with him:

"I love him and I don't care how you feel about that"

A few weeks/months later on repeat:

"I miss you so much"

Again almost identical.

I got,  "I'm with xxxx,  not that I think you'll care"

Then,  "I'm sad that our friendship feels ruined" a few days later and repeated statements like that until I had to pull the plug then I got the bucket of black paint poured on my head  

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Penumbra66
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« Reply #15 on: September 05, 2014, 08:22:25 AM »

"You're invalidating my feelings.” (Because I didn't want to hear how amazing their "deep connection" was.)

"I'm at a place where I need to follow my feelings. There's no place for rational thought." (No comment.)

"The marriage is no longer serving me." (It was always about her needs.)

“I realize that I have enough room in my heart to love two people.” (She couldn’t even “love” one person enough to show them due respect.)

So similar to what I was told. Why would I want to hear about their "deep" insta-bond? As for loving two people, her original idea was to have an open relationship with me. She always said we should still sleep together even of we dated others. After realizing that would never work, she still insisted that her feelings for me were not all or nothing and that she still loved me; it was just that her "spirit" needed to be with him, because, again, insta-bond, and needing to live her life and make her own mistakes.

I have never in my life heard so many insane excuses and rationalizations in my life, which changed every time we spoke. The worst part, though, were the suggestions of a recycle down the road. After a string of "miss you/I have feelings for you/will always love you/we are soulmates/I may regret leaving you someday soon" via chat 30 days after NC, I got fed up and actually told her that I despised her and called her a lying, lowlife POS and horrible person. Perhaps I shouldn't have lost my temper and resulted to name calling, but on the other hand I wish I had told her off sooner. I am wondering if what i said to her will cause her to completely steer clear. Hmmmm... .a bit of black and white thinking on my end, perhaps.

Dealing with a disordered person was the most distressing, maddening, devastating experience of my life. She was always off; add drugs and addiction to the mix as our relationship ended and it became pure hell.
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Bak86
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« Reply #16 on: September 05, 2014, 09:59:01 AM »

Some things mine said after she broke up with me:

"I have more relationship experience than you"

"I never reached the i love you stage"

"What do you mean by 'us'? There was no 'us'."

":)on't be such a whining b*tch"

"I have been hurt in previous relationships as well, i know how you feel"

"I don't hate you, i don't love you, i'm just void of feelings"

"You don't take me serious"

"I feel so much happier and calmer now"

list goes on and on.

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #17 on: September 05, 2014, 10:02:45 AM »

I identify with a lot of those.

I want to create a list of things I would say to my ex, now, in light of her cheating on me or abandoning me for other men.  Here's my start.

1. Thanks! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2014, 10:04:02 AM »

"What do you mean by 'us'? There was no 'us'."

":)on't be such a whining b*tch"

Eerily familiar.

Another beauty she uttered on the day we finally ended:

"You never chose me when you had the chance"

  
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2014, 10:11:25 AM »

I identify with a lot of those.

I want to create a list of things I would say to my ex, now, in light of her cheating on me or abandoning me for other men.  Here's my start.

1. Thanks! Smiling (click to insert in post)

A couple I did say first or second (last) time we "spoke" on the phone.

1. You are a sick person and you hurt the ones who love you.

2. Why do you call me? You are with Replacement now. You and me are over. There's nothing more to say.

3. I offered you a way out of debt, abuse and disease and you chose to be with an addict. I accept that and I'm moving on.


I said it in the coldest most detached way I could and I hope it hurt her. I hope to God it stung her beyond belief! Not sure it did. I know that just engaging with her did hurt me though. Never again. The phone goes right down next time.

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maxen
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« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2014, 10:27:13 AM »

i have a list of lunatic howlers to add here, but it's still too painful to write them out.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2014, 10:35:27 AM »

"Lunatic Howlers".  I love it.  Would make a great band name.
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« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2014, 10:49:38 AM »

Why would I want to hear about their "deep" insta-bond?

Right! What good would it do for us to hear about this? She was just using "love" and "amazingly, deep connection" to justify her actions.

Because you know, her "deep connection" for another is what's important here.

As for loving two people, her original idea was to have an open relationship with me.

My xw knew I wasn't into the idea of an open marriage. I told her years before. I said "if you'd like an open marriage it would be best if you divorced

me and remarried someone who's into that sort of thing". But instead, she just went ahead and opened it up and told me after the fact.


I have never in my life heard so many insane excuses and rationalizations in my life, which changed every time we spoke.

Yes, mine would change on a dime. Everyday she had a new story, sometimes every hour, for why she should be given a free pass to

walk and our marriage and me while getting away with infidelity. When called out on her list of justifications she would say "all I know

is I need to follow my feelings" followed by "how dare you try to control my self expression!".


The worst part, though, were the suggestions of a recycle down the road. After a string of "miss you/I have feelings for you/will always love you/we are soulmates/I may regret leaving you someday soon"

She laid this on me every chance she got. She was afraid that things wouldn't work out with OM. She would cry about how afraid she was of being alone.

They need/want a back up plan, and that's hopefully us. Why should they be left by themselves? 


Dealing with a disordered person was the most distressing, maddening, devastating experience of my life.

I totally agree. Two therapy sessions a week for the last two and a half months haven't even scratched the surface. It's what seems like a long road to recovery. 
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martymcfly5

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« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2014, 11:00:23 AM »

"Lunatic Howlers".  I love it.  Would make a great band name.

Logo could be a howling coyote painted half white and half black.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2014, 11:01:17 AM »

yup.  I picture a "psycho-billy" punk group.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2014, 11:07:44 AM »

Wow, I can't believe I forgot this one:

I took my uBPD ex gf car shopping on my birthday. She found the car that she wanted, and was going to pay cash for about half of it. She wanted me to cosign a loan for the other half, which I didn't want to do for a variety of reasons, including the fact that she hadn't graduated from college yet, and didn't have a job. She had also had an affair, but convinced me that it was over. I was unemployed at the time, although I had a teaching gig at a local university lined up, but it paid little. Anyway, I gave a bunch of excuses about it harming my credit and finally we stopped arguing about it. (Turns out, only family would been able to cosign the loan in any case).

The next day I realized she was still cheating, and when confronted, she decided to leave me for my replacement.

"How could you ask me to cosign a loan when you planned on leaving me?"

"Its not like I wouldn't pay it."

Good God. It really is all about them, isn't it?
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« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2014, 11:11:42 AM »

My ex was cheating on me while we designed a house together, had it built, and I bought it.  Her response (one of them) when I found out later and confronted her?  "I didn't think of that."  Another response was, "Well, I didn't really want to leave you.  I just wanted to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$K him."  I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.
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« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2014, 11:20:47 AM »

He makes me feel safe

I love you as a friend

he makes me laugh

I like him alot- I know-its your worst nightmare.

Your a child

He inspires me
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« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2014, 11:34:44 AM »

My ex was cheating on me while we designed a house together, had it built, and I bought it.  Her response (one of them) when I found out later and confronted her?  "I didn't think of that."  Another response was, "Well, I didn't really want to leave you.  I just wanted to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$K him."  I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

I mentioned to my ex that there would always be members of the opposite sex in our lives that we would be drawn to, but that it was never an excuse to cheat. She demanded to know some of the women in my life that I was attracted to or had crushes on, and I named two-or-three that she had heard about. "You lied to me!" she exclaimed, as if I was supposed to admit to every attraction in my life. I simply pointed out that I never took a single step towards them. She still didn't get it.

"But what if they like you back?"

She merely said that it was so incredibly rare for her to make a connection that it was a miracle when it actually happened. So I guess it was a miracle for her to connect with him. Finally I came right out and said "how would you feel if this happened to you? Would you ever forgive me?" And the expression on her face seemed indicate that she'd never, ever even considered it like that.

Honestly, her moral reasoning and ethics were about as sophisticated as a four-year-old. Un effing believable.
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« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2014, 11:40:52 AM »

Excerpt
"You lied to me!" she exclaimed, as if I was supposed to admit to every attraction in my life. I simply pointed out that I never took a single step towards them. She still didn't get it.

"But what if they like you back?"

Haha.  I'm only laughing because I've been there.  Very similar.  She has cheated on me a number of times, but would never let me live it down when I ever admitted to having attraction to anyone else.  And yes, it was like I "lied" to her.  One time I admitted to finding a woman on a television show attractive, as an example.  She never forgot it.  But she can post half-naked men on facebook, making sexual comments about them, and cheat on me, and that is okay.

Excerpt
She merely said that it was so incredibly rare for her to make a connection that it was a miracle when it actually happened. So I guess it was a miracle for her to connect with him.

What a load of CRAP.  She can find a new "connection" (i.e. infatuation) like nothing.  She's a professional at it.
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