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Author Topic: Things your ex said after abandoning you for your replacement  (Read 7045 times)
Penumbra66
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« on: September 03, 2014, 07:08:48 PM »

I have come across a few posts where the ex seems to say the same things my ex said to me when she left me for my replacement after a year and a half. Reading a few of these posts made me feel a bit less crazy, placing the blame squarely on the BPD. Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

These things happen all the time. You need to accept that.

Breakouts are part of life. You can't escape life.

We can't always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to react.

You should consider Buddhism to better understand the transience of human relationships.

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

"My high school boyfriend betrayed me too, and I survived." When I pointed out that she blamed him for dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming an alcoholic, she said "it made me a stronger person, and I don't get as attached to people any more."

I thought you were strong enough to accept this.

75% of people in marriages cheat. I am a sociologist student, so I know. Cheating happens all the time.

I thought we had unconditional love. You knew I needed to grow.

You were a father figure to me. A father would understand.

How could you expect me to leave the one I'd fallen for (after a part time cheating relationship of two weeks or so)

You have to accept that people only stay as long as they want (while still telling me how much she loved and adored me.)

Would you rather I stay with you and pine for someone else?

I am not a liar. I never started lying until my relationship with him began.

I want to repair our relationship and make things right with you. (while continuing to cheat with my replacement)

I felt compelled to do this. It was good for my spirit.

That's one great thing about having an affair: it makes your self esteem go up.

I love you, I'm just not in love with you. Or maybe I am.

My heart is big enough for both of you. I just wanted to keep you both happy.

I will always love you. Let's not rule things out down the road.

I feel like I'm going to wake up possibly soon, possibly sober, and realize I made a terrible mistake. Feelings are still there, and they hang over me like a bad sign.

I like having sex with him. I was much more comfortable than I was with you the first time. He ______ me really hard in a lot of positions, and he blows giant _____.

I never removed you from my life. I simply changed our relationship, and you are not willing to be friends.

"You are my best friend. You are like family." When I called her on this she replied "you know how dysfunctional my family is."

We are soulmates.

I loved being with you. I just can't be with you right now.

You could have trusted me for a long time. I am not sure where I went wrong.

I am just very, very confused right now.

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2014, 07:55:56 PM »

Excerpt
I am just very, very confused right now.

Yes, being enmeshed with someone with a personality disorder is very confusing, especially when you don't know she has the disorder and what it entails.  I'm assuming she exhibits some borderline traits, which is what led you to this site, and by reading a lot of posts you will see your story over and over, which is comforting and validating in itself; you're not alone and your situation is not unique.

It's also helpful to learn about the disorder itself, plenty of resources on this site, that will help depersonalize it for you; she will do what she will do, and it would have happened to anyone.

But beyond all that, it hurts, I understand.  The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take very good care of yourself, diet, sleep, exercise, as little stress as you can, and move through the process of grieving the loss and learning a lot as you grow through it.  Keep posting, stay here, and take care of you!
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bungenstein
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2014, 08:14:50 PM »

I've spent countless days and nights, pawning over the things my ex has said to me throughout our relationship, and in the aftermath aswell. I know fully well that it is necessary to come to a complete understanding of the disorder and what we went through, in order to heal and get over it, and that involves analysing a lot of past situations, and words that have come out of her mouth.

After the relationship we were changed, we were sucked into an alien world of distorted thinking and crazy making, when you are living in a crazy persons world, you start to become crazy yourself. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with and the whole ordeal has taken so much away from me, much that whilst in the fog, denial, and numbness to the trauma, I didn't even know had been taken. Through the pain, and what a pain it is, you slowly start to see what you lost, and who you used to be, until you gradually begin to stop analysing the past, and stop these crazy situations and ridiculous sentences from spiraling around in your head, because as you begin to recover the person that you lost down the rabbit hole, you begin to see how meaningless this nonsense is.

I believe we only keep anaylsing it and trying to make sense of it because we still feel crazy ourselves, with sanity comes lack of care for past anaylsis, because thats when you truly understand that none of it has any meaning, and thus no more thought is required on something that doesn't warrant it.

Its madness, pure and simple, and the longer you exposed to it, whether in person, or in your mind, the more chance it has of destroying your life, I pity the person that is next sedated by my ex, I just hope they get away in time.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2014, 08:27:17 PM »

.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2014, 08:49:33 PM »

I believe we only keep anaylsing it and trying to make sense of it because we still feel crazy ourselves, with sanity comes lack of care for past anaylsis, because thats when you truly understand that none of it has any meaning, and thus no more thought is required on something that doesn't warrant it.

I like the statement about sanity. That's a great point!
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 08:57:37 PM »

I believe we only keep anaylsing it and trying to make sense of it because we still feel crazy ourselves, with sanity comes lack of care for past anaylsis, because thats when you truly understand that none of it has any meaning, and thus no more thought is required on something that doesn't warrant it.

I like the statement about sanity. That's a great point!

And another useful frame is that people only hang around in our heads until the lessons they're there to teach get learned.  Once learned, they are free to move on.
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SC91

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« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2014, 09:23:24 PM »

Very similar to what my ex said, and some of them exactly the same!

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you. Or maybe I am."

-- My ex said I still love you and you are the one I have ever love the most. But our relationship has to end. That saying hurts me even more!

"I feel like I'm going to wake up possibly soon, possibly sober, and realize I made a terrible mistake. Feelings are still there, and they hang over me like a bad sign."

-- My ex would say she still dream of me, which I believe was true but hey why fuc*ing tell me your dream? It made me even more sad!

"I never removed you from my life. I simply changed our relationship, and you are not willing to be friends."

-- My ex said on her fb in those subtle smear campaign to her friend circle that "We cannot be enemy becos we loved so much. We cannot be friends because we hurt each other so much.". Then at the same time try to contact me to see if I am okay. While at the same time dump her emotions on fb with mix messages. God all those sentimental confusion things.

"You are my best friend. You are like family." When I called her on this she replied "you know how dysfunctional my family is."

-- After the crazy craps and she calm down year later, my ex said we are always part of family. Then I replied no, I dont see you as a family member but a friend. She then not happy and try to teach me what I should reply and the way I should talk to her. She said you can just simply say yes to me (she definitely knows she only need a verbal comfort, whether I actually mean it or not its another matter).

I am always an honest, straight forward person. Too straight forward to a point to perhaps make people uncomfortable sometimes. And this is a quality my good friends value me. She knows it so well but still try to change me?

Despite I still care of you but no you are not a family member. Because you simply are not by genetic, you simply are not by the betrayal you did to me, you simply are not becos your mindset dynamics doesnt fit into. Why would I invite such a trouble to my family circle worrying that the same crazy acts may happen again?

"We are soulmates."

-- This was what my ex repeat and repeat.

My ex would also said. I am the love of her life but the replacement character just suit her better, which was probably true so far. Becos I hold up my values, perception, worldview, and just refuse to change my character to fit her. Becos the timing I met her was just right, I knew what my attractions, good and weakness were and know where I stand in her love fairytale land.

It still hurts as I am writing here, that I have to complain her in public, analyse her and show it to strangers, disclose her private sayings in public up for others to comment. It all against my own values and that my values made me taken much more time to recover becos I kept all these to myself without getting help from others. I have this bit of feeling betrayal to my ex for doing this. I know silly me.
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hope2727
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« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 09:36:06 PM »

Mine told me I slammed the door closed on this relationship.

yay right.

I am the one still holding on.

I think I am a bit pathetic.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 10:27:39 PM »

Thank you all for your comments. It's true for me that I am feeling crazy myself after trying to make sense of her words and actions. I've fought a lifetime cronic disease, the loss of my aunts, cousins, grandparents, uncles, and father to disease, and spent two years recovering from an accident (while suffering some permanent problems), but I have never experienced dispair like this. I would not wish this madness on anyone.
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2014, 02:39:22 AM »

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you."

"You are my family (as she runs off with replacement)"

"Loss teaches us, I don't like it either"

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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2014, 05:13:12 AM »

"I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." Translation: I am cheating on you and the person I am cheating on you with fulfills all of my dreams the way you used to!

"I am just very very confused right now" Translation: stalling technique when a lie is not readily available, as soon as one is they will not be confused anymore.

Sarcasm aside... .I really identify with your despair... .it's godawful... .although mine NEVER admitted to the cheating.
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2014, 11:43:54 AM »

'You didn't do anything wrong'  (I knew that already)

'I couldn't see a future with you because you have a son'  (Errmmm I had him when you met me 9 years ago)

'There won't be any problems with her because her kids are grown up'  (Whoops, they haven't left home yet - out of the frying pan into the fire)

'You'll meet somebody else and he will be very lucky'  (What the heck!)

'You can't blame her, she didn't know about you at first'  (but she didn't care when she found out?)

'I'd like us to be friends and have a chat if we see each other around'  (Not a chance in hell)

'I used to love you but I don't now'  (So easy to switch off)

'I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders'  (Good for him, just as long as he's happy)

'I'm enjoying getting to know my family again'  (I never stopped you seeing them, you just couldn't be bothered)

'It's a shame, it just didn't work out but we had sme good times'  (Until you started beating up my son)
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« Reply #12 on: September 05, 2014, 06:26:34 AM »

"It just happened" (Meaning her affair with OM. A car accident just happens, not a relationship.)

"You're trying to control me!" (Well yes, because you're obviously out of control.)

"You're invalidating my feelings.” (Because I didn't want to hear how amazing their "deep connection" was.)

"Jane and John got remarried, maybe we can later down the road." (Not!)

"I'm at a place where I need to follow my feelings. There's no place for rational thought." (No comment.)

"I want to kill our marriage." (After I brought up our sacred commitment.)

"The marriage is no longer serving me." (It was always about her needs.)

"We were NEVER a good match." (We were together for 11 years.)

“I realize that I have enough room in my heart to love two people.” (She couldn’t even “love” one person enough to show them due respect.)

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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #13 on: September 05, 2014, 06:28:58 AM »

On the day she announced she was with him:

"I love him and I don't care how you feel about that"

A few weeks/months later on repeat:

"I miss you so much"

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Infern0
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« Reply #14 on: September 05, 2014, 06:32:57 AM »

On the day she announced she was with him:

"I love him and I don't care how you feel about that"

A few weeks/months later on repeat:

"I miss you so much"

Again almost identical.

I got,  "I'm with xxxx,  not that I think you'll care"

Then,  "I'm sad that our friendship feels ruined" a few days later and repeated statements like that until I had to pull the plug then I got the bucket of black paint poured on my head  

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Penumbra66
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« Reply #15 on: September 05, 2014, 08:22:25 AM »

"You're invalidating my feelings.” (Because I didn't want to hear how amazing their "deep connection" was.)

"I'm at a place where I need to follow my feelings. There's no place for rational thought." (No comment.)

"The marriage is no longer serving me." (It was always about her needs.)

“I realize that I have enough room in my heart to love two people.” (She couldn’t even “love” one person enough to show them due respect.)

So similar to what I was told. Why would I want to hear about their "deep" insta-bond? As for loving two people, her original idea was to have an open relationship with me. She always said we should still sleep together even of we dated others. After realizing that would never work, she still insisted that her feelings for me were not all or nothing and that she still loved me; it was just that her "spirit" needed to be with him, because, again, insta-bond, and needing to live her life and make her own mistakes.

I have never in my life heard so many insane excuses and rationalizations in my life, which changed every time we spoke. The worst part, though, were the suggestions of a recycle down the road. After a string of "miss you/I have feelings for you/will always love you/we are soulmates/I may regret leaving you someday soon" via chat 30 days after NC, I got fed up and actually told her that I despised her and called her a lying, lowlife POS and horrible person. Perhaps I shouldn't have lost my temper and resulted to name calling, but on the other hand I wish I had told her off sooner. I am wondering if what i said to her will cause her to completely steer clear. Hmmmm... .a bit of black and white thinking on my end, perhaps.

Dealing with a disordered person was the most distressing, maddening, devastating experience of my life. She was always off; add drugs and addiction to the mix as our relationship ended and it became pure hell.
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Bak86
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« Reply #16 on: September 05, 2014, 09:59:01 AM »

Some things mine said after she broke up with me:

"I have more relationship experience than you"

"I never reached the i love you stage"

"What do you mean by 'us'? There was no 'us'."

":)on't be such a whining b*tch"

"I have been hurt in previous relationships as well, i know how you feel"

"I don't hate you, i don't love you, i'm just void of feelings"

"You don't take me serious"

"I feel so much happier and calmer now"

list goes on and on.

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #17 on: September 05, 2014, 10:02:45 AM »

I identify with a lot of those.

I want to create a list of things I would say to my ex, now, in light of her cheating on me or abandoning me for other men.  Here's my start.

1. Thanks! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2014, 10:04:02 AM »

"What do you mean by 'us'? There was no 'us'."

":)on't be such a whining b*tch"

Eerily familiar.

Another beauty she uttered on the day we finally ended:

"You never chose me when you had the chance"

  
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2014, 10:11:25 AM »

I identify with a lot of those.

I want to create a list of things I would say to my ex, now, in light of her cheating on me or abandoning me for other men.  Here's my start.

1. Thanks! Smiling (click to insert in post)

A couple I did say first or second (last) time we "spoke" on the phone.

1. You are a sick person and you hurt the ones who love you.

2. Why do you call me? You are with Replacement now. You and me are over. There's nothing more to say.

3. I offered you a way out of debt, abuse and disease and you chose to be with an addict. I accept that and I'm moving on.


I said it in the coldest most detached way I could and I hope it hurt her. I hope to God it stung her beyond belief! Not sure it did. I know that just engaging with her did hurt me though. Never again. The phone goes right down next time.

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maxen
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« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2014, 10:27:13 AM »

i have a list of lunatic howlers to add here, but it's still too painful to write them out.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2014, 10:35:27 AM »

"Lunatic Howlers".  I love it.  Would make a great band name.
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« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2014, 10:49:38 AM »

Why would I want to hear about their "deep" insta-bond?

Right! What good would it do for us to hear about this? She was just using "love" and "amazingly, deep connection" to justify her actions.

Because you know, her "deep connection" for another is what's important here.

As for loving two people, her original idea was to have an open relationship with me.

My xw knew I wasn't into the idea of an open marriage. I told her years before. I said "if you'd like an open marriage it would be best if you divorced

me and remarried someone who's into that sort of thing". But instead, she just went ahead and opened it up and told me after the fact.


I have never in my life heard so many insane excuses and rationalizations in my life, which changed every time we spoke.

Yes, mine would change on a dime. Everyday she had a new story, sometimes every hour, for why she should be given a free pass to

walk and our marriage and me while getting away with infidelity. When called out on her list of justifications she would say "all I know

is I need to follow my feelings" followed by "how dare you try to control my self expression!".


The worst part, though, were the suggestions of a recycle down the road. After a string of "miss you/I have feelings for you/will always love you/we are soulmates/I may regret leaving you someday soon"

She laid this on me every chance she got. She was afraid that things wouldn't work out with OM. She would cry about how afraid she was of being alone.

They need/want a back up plan, and that's hopefully us. Why should they be left by themselves? 


Dealing with a disordered person was the most distressing, maddening, devastating experience of my life.

I totally agree. Two therapy sessions a week for the last two and a half months haven't even scratched the surface. It's what seems like a long road to recovery. 
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martymcfly5

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« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2014, 11:00:23 AM »

"Lunatic Howlers".  I love it.  Would make a great band name.

Logo could be a howling coyote painted half white and half black.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2014, 11:01:17 AM »

yup.  I picture a "psycho-billy" punk group.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2014, 11:07:44 AM »

Wow, I can't believe I forgot this one:

I took my uBPD ex gf car shopping on my birthday. She found the car that she wanted, and was going to pay cash for about half of it. She wanted me to cosign a loan for the other half, which I didn't want to do for a variety of reasons, including the fact that she hadn't graduated from college yet, and didn't have a job. She had also had an affair, but convinced me that it was over. I was unemployed at the time, although I had a teaching gig at a local university lined up, but it paid little. Anyway, I gave a bunch of excuses about it harming my credit and finally we stopped arguing about it. (Turns out, only family would been able to cosign the loan in any case).

The next day I realized she was still cheating, and when confronted, she decided to leave me for my replacement.

"How could you ask me to cosign a loan when you planned on leaving me?"

"Its not like I wouldn't pay it."

Good God. It really is all about them, isn't it?
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« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2014, 11:11:42 AM »

My ex was cheating on me while we designed a house together, had it built, and I bought it.  Her response (one of them) when I found out later and confronted her?  "I didn't think of that."  Another response was, "Well, I didn't really want to leave you.  I just wanted to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$K him."  I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.
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« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2014, 11:20:47 AM »

He makes me feel safe

I love you as a friend

he makes me laugh

I like him alot- I know-its your worst nightmare.

Your a child

He inspires me
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« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2014, 11:34:44 AM »

My ex was cheating on me while we designed a house together, had it built, and I bought it.  Her response (one of them) when I found out later and confronted her?  "I didn't think of that."  Another response was, "Well, I didn't really want to leave you.  I just wanted to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$K him."  I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

I mentioned to my ex that there would always be members of the opposite sex in our lives that we would be drawn to, but that it was never an excuse to cheat. She demanded to know some of the women in my life that I was attracted to or had crushes on, and I named two-or-three that she had heard about. "You lied to me!" she exclaimed, as if I was supposed to admit to every attraction in my life. I simply pointed out that I never took a single step towards them. She still didn't get it.

"But what if they like you back?"

She merely said that it was so incredibly rare for her to make a connection that it was a miracle when it actually happened. So I guess it was a miracle for her to connect with him. Finally I came right out and said "how would you feel if this happened to you? Would you ever forgive me?" And the expression on her face seemed indicate that she'd never, ever even considered it like that.

Honestly, her moral reasoning and ethics were about as sophisticated as a four-year-old. Un effing believable.
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« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2014, 11:40:52 AM »

Excerpt
"You lied to me!" she exclaimed, as if I was supposed to admit to every attraction in my life. I simply pointed out that I never took a single step towards them. She still didn't get it.

"But what if they like you back?"

Haha.  I'm only laughing because I've been there.  Very similar.  She has cheated on me a number of times, but would never let me live it down when I ever admitted to having attraction to anyone else.  And yes, it was like I "lied" to her.  One time I admitted to finding a woman on a television show attractive, as an example.  She never forgot it.  But she can post half-naked men on facebook, making sexual comments about them, and cheat on me, and that is okay.

Excerpt
She merely said that it was so incredibly rare for her to make a connection that it was a miracle when it actually happened. So I guess it was a miracle for her to connect with him.

What a load of CRAP.  She can find a new "connection" (i.e. infatuation) like nothing.  She's a professional at it.
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« Reply #30 on: September 05, 2014, 11:49:47 AM »

I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

yeah, this is the general theme behind what i'd be posting. that the other party interested in what she did - viz, me - was her husband, whom she once said she loved, who she knew has major depressive disorder (which she revealed after the end made her angry), and is just in general a human being, and so to whom she might owe some basic or even more than basic level of consideration, didn't appear to play any part in her thinking.
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« Reply #31 on: September 05, 2014, 11:55:44 AM »

Biggest doozie she ever told me was

'You are no longer useful to me'... .

This she screamed at me after I refused to tell her son, my stepson, that she did NOT cheat on me, even though she had met him already and slept with prior to telling me I was to sleep on the couch while she figured 'things' out.

Disgusting!  

But on the bright side she was right for once, I was no longer USEFUL to her   
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« Reply #32 on: September 05, 2014, 11:59:53 AM »

Excerpt
What a load of CRAP.  She can find a new "connection" (i.e. infatuation) like nothing.  She's a professional at it.

Despite being very smart and pretty, she is also intensely shy and has enormous social anxiety and self esteem issues. So in her world their shared social awkwardness, their nerdiness, darkness, and outsider status must have made it seem like they were simply destined to be together. Although she thought the two of us were "so lucky to have found each other," I think she really does believe it is a miracle that she found him.

They really do sound like dark, tortured reflections of each other. I told her they sound like a match made in hell.
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« Reply #33 on: September 05, 2014, 12:02:31 PM »

Excerpt
What a load of CRAP.  She can find a new "connection" (i.e. infatuation) like nothing.  She's a professional at it.

Despite being very smart and pretty, she is also intensely shy and has enormous social anxiety and self esteem issues. So in her world their shared social awkwardness, their nerdiness, darkness, and outsider status must have made it seem like they were simply destined to be together. Although she thought the two of us were "so lucky to have found each other," I think she really does believe it is a miracle that she found him.

They really do sound like dark, tortured reflections of each other. I told her they sound like a match made in hell.

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« Reply #34 on: September 05, 2014, 12:14:53 PM »

Her: "He is a million times the man than you are."

Me: ":)on't you think 2 days is pretty quick to go from sleeping together and tucking in your kids at night to sleeping with another man?"

Her: "I'm busy with work, I don't have time to date."

Me: "You don't think there is something wrong with that kind of thinking?"

Her: "Whatever. At least he can still **** me when he's drunk."

That my friends was as close to closure as I will get. It's been almost 90 days no contact, and I've just started to come around mentally/emotionally/physically about a month ago.

No contact is the KEY to healing. 
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« Reply #35 on: September 05, 2014, 12:37:12 PM »

I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

yeah, this is the general theme behind what i'd be posting. that the other party interested in what she did - viz, me - was her husband, whom she once said she loved, who she knew has major depressive disorder (which she revealed after the end made her angry), and is just in general a human being, and so to whom she might owe some basic or even more than basic level of consideration, didn't appear to play any part in her thinking.

Regarding a major depressive disorder: I have suffered those, and seven weeks out I'm now suffering one again. She knew this about me, and she has also suffered major depressive disorders, including one caused by her being abandoned by a lying, cheating ex. I pointed out that she knows exactly what this feels like. In fact I was in a partial hospitalization program due to her affair (luckily I have summers off). She accused me of using that to manipulate her, even though I started attending after I assumed she was gone for good. She recycled between me and the replacement two more times during my treatment, finally abandoning me for him ten days after my treatment ended.

Truly a horrific way to treat someone you will supposedly love the rest of your life.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

And she used to ask me to treat her like a princess, too.
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« Reply #36 on: September 05, 2014, 02:34:31 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room.

i think this goes right to the core of BPD, the desperate need to be supported by someone without any comment ever, the intolerable sense of negative judgement. my w felt hurt by everything, and not just there at the end but also at other times in the marriage she felt wounded when i said that something she had done had hurt me. by being hurt by her, i had hurt her. i did do some things that hurt her, and at least i can say that i recognized what i had done and tried to make amends, but deep down she never forgave. that's the only self-awareness she ever showed: 'i don't forget, i don't forgive, and that's just the way i am.'
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« Reply #37 on: September 05, 2014, 02:54:03 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

Rest well in knowing that you are on the healing path. I am on the path to living a great life ... .you know your are healed when you truly feel sorry for her. I'm still a bit angry - but thats normal.
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« Reply #38 on: September 05, 2014, 03:10:57 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.
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« Reply #39 on: September 05, 2014, 03:58:49 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.

I got a similar line.

Her " I don't want to be with xxxx I want to be with you"

Me "Then the kindest thing to do is let xxxx go now because the longer it goes the worst it's going to be"

Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it
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« Reply #40 on: September 05, 2014, 04:25:29 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.

I got a similar line.

Her " I don't want to be with xxxx I want to be with you"

Me "Then the kindest thing to do is let xxxx go now because the longer it goes the worst it's going to be"

Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it

This. He has been suicidal for most of his life, and supposedly he was planning on taking his life sometime next year with his wife's approval. Who does this? I have no idea if this is even true, because it sounds so screwed up. But somehow I think she had enormous concern for him, but not much for me at all, even though I was suffering horrendous emotional pain. She knew that I had resigned from teaching at the university for the fall semester because of everything that was happening, the confusion and devastation, and therapy twice a week. Maybe if I selected a date to actually kill myself next year, she would've actually had more sympathy. 

When she insisted that she meant no harm, I asked her if she even once considered how I would feel. That was one a few times I think she's been completely honest with me. "No," she said. "I didn't. Not really. I was selfish."

God, what a horrible, twisted, sick person.
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« Reply #41 on: September 05, 2014, 10:00:39 PM »

My ex was cheating on me while we designed a house together, had it built, and I bought it.  Her response (one of them) when I found out later and confronted her?  "I didn't think of that."  Another response was, "Well, I didn't really want to leave you.  I just wanted to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$K him."  I asked her if it ever dawned on her that *I* wouldn't want to be with her if I knew she was doing those things.  Apparently, it didn't.

I mentioned to my ex that there would always be members of the opposite sex in our lives that we would be drawn to, but that it was never an excuse to cheat. She demanded to know some of the women in my life that I was attracted to or had crushes on, and I named two-or-three that she had heard about. "You lied to me!" she exclaimed, as if I was supposed to admit to every attraction in my life. I simply pointed out that I never took a single step towards them. She still didn't get it.

"But what if they like you back?"

She merely said that it was so incredibly rare for her to make a connection that it was a miracle when it actually happened. So I guess it was a miracle for her to connect with him. Finally I came right out and said "how would you feel if this happened to you? Would you ever forgive me?" And the expression on her face seemed indicate that she'd never, ever even considered it like that.

Honestly, her moral reasoning and ethics were about as sophisticated as a four-year-old. Un effing believable.

... .a SELFISH 4-yr.-old!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #42 on: September 05, 2014, 10:11:11 PM »

you teach then? i'm a teacher.

When I pointed out how terribly destructive her behavior had been, she accused me of being "evil" because this apparently meant I wanted her to hate herself.

that happened to me. when i said i was incredulous that she had lied, she shrugged, and then red-faced with anger she reared back and said "well i'm not proud of it!" when i pointed out that i had always been honest and faithful with her, she accused me of "thinking you're taking the moral high road." and when i wept she ran out of the room. 

My ex ended things between us because I found a string of text messages between her and my replacement, whom she had had an affair with, but supposedly had stopped. Obviously, they had not. She told me she was waiting until I was "healthy enough" before she could break up with me. She also told me that she didn't want me to know that she was still seeing him, because she knew I would cut her out of my life. Then she claimed she was trying to "protect me and keep me safe and happy" and that the truth would have made things worse.

When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she answered "no, but I was thinking of you."

Yes, what a true moralist she was. Always concerned with protecting others, and keeping them safe and happy. When I told her the right thing to do would've been to and the affair, she answered "but what about _____? I can't just leave him!"

Apparently she had no trouble whatsoever leaving me.

I got a similar line.

Her " I don't want to be with xxxx I want to be with you"

Me "Then the kindest thing to do is let xxxx go now because the longer it goes the worst it's going to be"

Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it

Oh My God... .I forgot this, mine used to say the exact same thing all the time after she left me 4 replacement:

"Her "I can't because I can't hurt him"

"Hurting me was fine though.  I mean why even say that. My brain couldn't handle it."

They are so unbelievable and I felt the same way you did... .wow, it OK to hurt me though.

It was so painful and heartbreaking to have someone that you love to just abuse you like that, completely oblivious to how damaging their words were. (I think mine may have known EXACTLY what she was doing)

Very sick people.
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« Reply #43 on: September 05, 2014, 10:38:58 PM »

I'm actually glad she is back with her ex (guy before me) he is a doormat with no self esteem, he's like a adoring puppy and it doesn't matter how much she rubs his nose in it (which she did many times when she was with me) he'll keep coming back for more. She often said that "he would never leave me" and I believe her. But at least its a stable place for her tormented mind, mind you, it can't be a very fulfilling relationship, just two people acting their parts. But who knows, he may wake up and smell the roses someday?
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« Reply #44 on: September 06, 2014, 09:54:20 AM »

I forgot mine used to text me all the time last summer how sad and depressed she was. She would say she only loved me and wanted a life with me. She was with her replacement. I told her if she was unhappy and didn't love the replacement she should tell the replacement. It was the fair and right thing to do. 

Her response... .BINGO... ."I can't hurt him."  And then my favorite "Maybe I can learn to love him."  That one made me laugh. I was like sweetheart you dont even love or like yourself... .How are you ever going to love someone else.
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« Reply #45 on: September 06, 2014, 01:25:22 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

My replacement is still married, although his wife moved out recently. When we were together, her depression and anxiety were under control, she was excelling in school, was working two internships, had gotten letters of recommendation for grad school, was lining up post-graduation employment, and had two years of sobriety. She said she was the healthiest she had been in her adult life.

My replacement introduced her to the drug she is now addicted to, her grades plummeted, one internship was rated "unsatisfactory" and her depression and anxiety scores are far worse than a year ago, which was when her mental health was at its lowest while we were together. Now she sleeps half the day in a drugged stupor, preparing to start a new job at the end of the month that she is afraid she won't be able to keep because of her drug addiction and depression. And while she still "loves" me, my replacement is the one she "likes a lot" and she "chooses to be with at this time." Her rock. Her emotional connection. The one who understands her. Funny, but when she had decided to end their pre-affair "friendship", it was because he had essentially given up on everything in his life, a total screw up struggling to find reasons to stay alive, a drug addict and alcoholic. Now he's perfect for her.
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« Reply #46 on: September 06, 2014, 01:33:06 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

My replacement is still married, although his wife moved out recently. When we were together, her depression and anxiety were under control, she was excelling in school, was working two internships, had gotten letters of recommendation for grad school, was lining up post-graduation employment, and had two years of sobriety. She said she was the healthiest she had been in her adult life.

My replacement introduced her to the drug she is now addicted to, her grades plummeted, one internship was rated "unsatisfactory" and her depression and anxiety scores are far worse than a year ago, which was when her mental health was at its lowest while we were together. Now she sleeps half the day in a drugged stupor, preparing to start a new job at the end of the month that she is afraid she won't be able to keep because of her drug addiction and depression. And while she still "loves" me, my replacement is the one she "likes a lot" and she "chooses to be with at this time." Her rock. Her emotional connection. The one who understands her. Funny, but when she had decided to end their pre-affair "friendship", it was because he had essentially given up on everything in his life, a total screw up struggling to find reasons to stay alive, a drug addict and alcoholic. Now he's perfect for her.

Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.
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« Reply #47 on: September 06, 2014, 01:48:14 PM »

They wont get better with the new replacement. Was she ever happy with you? My guess is no. He'll be subjected to the same abuse you were given.

We are the ones that are self reflecting, truly moving on, learning and growing- they will remain in an internal negative emotional state. Someone who is violent, angry, and in many cases bulimic can't just cure themselves by just adding a new replacement. Its impossible, no-one can be that special in that they can cure this person.

My replacement is still married, although his wife moved out recently. When we were together, her depression and anxiety were under control, she was excelling in school, was working two internships, had gotten letters of recommendation for grad school, was lining up post-graduation employment, and had two years of sobriety. She said she was the healthiest she had been in her adult life.

My replacement introduced her to the drug she is now addicted to, her grades plummeted, one internship was rated "unsatisfactory" and her depression and anxiety scores are far worse than a year ago, which was when her mental health was at its lowest while we were together. Now she sleeps half the day in a drugged stupor, preparing to start a new job at the end of the month that she is afraid she won't be able to keep because of her drug addiction and depression. And while she still "loves" me, my replacement is the one she "likes a lot" and she "chooses to be with at this time." Her rock. Her emotional connection. The one who understands her. Funny, but when she had decided to end their pre-affair "friendship", it was because he had essentially given up on everything in his life, a total screw up struggling to find reasons to stay alive, a drug addict and alcoholic. Now he's perfect for her.

Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.

Oh my God. That made me weep. I am so, so sorry.
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« Reply #48 on: September 06, 2014, 05:40:46 PM »

Oddly enough my ex was a non but this thread has reminded me of something odd he said during the actual break up that I can see being typical of a BPD.

Me - 'Have you met someone else?'

Him - 'No! No... .kind of wish I had though, would make this a lot easier.'

Flew over my head at the time but now I look back I think, jeez what healthy brained, sane individual says something like that during a break up with someone they supposedly love and respect.
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« Reply #49 on: September 06, 2014, 07:27:20 PM »

Is there a book that these pwBPD go out and buy for these lame a$$ excuses and quotes? Got all the following:

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" - Yes your treatment of me for the past 7 weeks shows your love for me.

"We have nothing in common" - Shouldn't you have figured that out after 3 weeks or months? NOT 3 YEARS

"I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong"
- That explains the horrible and inhumane treatment.

"You were a mistake, I don't know why I'm with you" - In that case, maybe my mother should have aborted me!



"I've got to fix myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. It will be a long time before I'm in a relationship"
- That's why you have a new "friend" that you cheated on me with

Throughout the whole relationship - "Sex means nothing to me, I could go the rest of my life without sex and it wouldn't bother me" - You didn't seem to have a problem cheating on me, did you?

And

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« Reply #50 on: September 06, 2014, 07:31:52 PM »

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" - Yes your treatment of me for the past 7 weeks shows your love for me.

I got this line on our last day together. 2 weeks before she had told her dad that she had never loved a man like she loved me... .go figure.
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« Reply #51 on: September 06, 2014, 07:33:22 PM »

I just want to thank EVERYONE for posting on this thread. When my expwBPD cheated on me ran off with her new supply the things she said on a regular basis left me with my mouth hanging open, were EXTREMELY painful... .or both.  I have healed greatly since then, and I knew nothing about BPD back then, and now that I do and I can read about all of your experiences and find how similar that they were to mine and how they caused you to have the same feelings as I did, it really helps me to have some validation and comfort about that whole situation. Many times I was left confused thinking: "Am I getting this right? Is this really happening or is it me who has some kind of psychological problem?" I find it to be very confirming and healing that I was not the only one... .
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« Reply #52 on: September 06, 2014, 07:34:54 PM »

Excerpt
Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.

really? 
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« Reply #53 on: September 06, 2014, 08:09:40 PM »

Thought of a couple more... .

"I didn't ask you to forgive me", after I forgave her. - Well then why did you say that you know that you have hurt me badly and that you were sorry?

"You'll be happier by yourself" - Thank you for your consideration and making that decision for me.

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« Reply #54 on: September 06, 2014, 08:17:52 PM »

Mine told me she would like to be able to look at me and not hate me.
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« Reply #55 on: September 06, 2014, 09:34:56 PM »

mine said the same thing . I can`t hurt her.

and the best one that she used two times to leave me for her ex. I have to give her one more chance.

this time when she comes back I am going to say . I don`t want to give you another chance.


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« Reply #56 on: September 06, 2014, 09:37:48 PM »

Excerpt
Your story sounds just like mine... .the only twist in mine is my replacement is her alcoholic, suicidal, depressed, mentally ill brother.

really?  

Yep. Pretty gross!

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« Reply #57 on: September 06, 2014, 09:43:16 PM »

Don't mean to go off thread but my exgf had a weird friendship with her half brother. He's 10 years younger but she goes on about how good looking he is, how lovely he is etc etc. She also talks about his conquests and even sets up her friends with him. Its as if she gets her friends to live the life she wants. It always gave me a creepy incestuous feeling. I don't think it was reciprocated on his behalf though.
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« Reply #58 on: September 06, 2014, 09:50:22 PM »

Don't mean to go off thread but my exgf had a weird friendship with her half brother. He's 10 years younger but she goes on about how good looking he is, how lovely he is etc etc. She also talks about his conquests and even sets up her friends with him. Its as if she gets her friends to live the life she wants. It always gave me a creepy incestuous feeling. I don't think it was reciprocated on his behalf though.

My ex BPD has this need to take care of her mentally ill, abusive, bigot, alcoholic, depressed brother. There is a strange bond there. Their childhood was extremely abusive in every sense. She wont leave him.  She needs to "raise" him even thou he is in his 30s. He has a sick obsession with her. I would hope nothing incestuous has happened but I do feel if he could have her he would go for it. And she just doesn't want to see it because he is her brother.
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« Reply #59 on: September 06, 2014, 10:35:28 PM »

Mine also talked about her brother in an odd way and he does look slightly "off". Man I don't want to even consider that horror.
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« Reply #60 on: September 06, 2014, 11:25:01 PM »

I had completely forgotten about this one. My ex sent me a youtube link to this Grateful Dead song the day after telling me she felt "compelled" to see where her relationship with her married boyfriend would go.

What do you want me to do

to do for you to see you through

A box of rain will ease the pain

and love will see you through


What reason would she have sent this, after abandoning me? I wasn't sure if this was a message of reconciliation, an apology, or a sign of her love and commitment. I wondered if I had missed a text or email from her, because by itself, it made no sense. I thought she couldn't possibly mean that she wanted to be there for me while she transitioned to my replacement, but when we spoke later, I realized that was exactly what she meant.

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« Reply #61 on: September 06, 2014, 11:42:50 PM »

I have come across a few posts where the ex seems to say the same things my ex said to me when she left me for my replacement after a year and a half. Reading a few of these posts made me feel a bit less crazy, placing the blame squarely on the BPD. Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?



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« Reply #62 on: September 07, 2014, 01:26:57 AM »

I had completely forgotten about this one. My ex sent me a youtube link to this Grateful Dead song the day after telling me she felt "compelled" to see where her relationship with her married boyfriend would go.

What do you want me to do

to do for you to see you through

A box of rain will ease the pain

and love will see you through


What reason would she have sent this, after abandoning me? I wasn't sure if this was a message of reconciliation, an apology, or a sign of her love and commitment. I wondered if I had missed a text or email from her, because by itself, it made no sense. I thought she couldn't possibly mean that she wanted to be there for me while she transitioned to my replacement, but when we spoke later, I realized that was exactly what she meant.

The insanity of their "reasoning" is not something that I will ever understand.
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« Reply #63 on: September 07, 2014, 01:51:20 AM »

Mine also talked about her brother in an odd way and he does look slightly "off". Man I don't want to even consider that horror.

Don't mean to go off thread but my exgf had a weird friendship with her half brother. He's 10 years younger but she goes on about how good looking he is, how lovely he is etc etc. She also talks about his conquests and even sets up her friends with him. Its as if she gets her friends to live the life she wants. It always gave me a creepy incestuous feeling. I don't think it was reciprocated on his behalf though.

My BPDgf had very concerning interactions with her half brother that included talking about and fantasising about sexual relations and running away together.     This went on for 2 years behind my back and started before before we hooked up and then continued until I found out and went ballistic. She couldn't understand it... .my reaction... .she finally agreed to end the "relationship" with this man that was 10 years her junior. We even went to her T about it, it was that bad.

To this day I still can't understand any of it... .
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« Reply #64 on: September 07, 2014, 02:54:22 AM »

I have come across a few posts where the ex seems to say the same things my ex said to me when she left me for my replacement after a year and a half. Reading a few of these posts made me feel a bit less crazy, placing the blame squarely on the BPD. Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?


It was kind of a lark. She sent some really interesting, articulate emails on a dating website, so I decided to ask her out. I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten. She kept texting me and we made plans to see each other again, but I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.

Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead. I really didn't think it would last for long. As we got more serious, the out was that she was supposed to go to grad school next year. With that I expected our relationship to end, on what I thought would be good terms. I often fantasized about a life together, but that seemed unfair and unrealistic of me, given the age difference. Still, I felt secure in our friendship. She always portrayed herself as a loyal, committed companion, even after--especially  after--supposedly ending her first fling with my replacement.

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« Reply #65 on: September 07, 2014, 05:35:26 AM »

Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?

It was kind of a lark. [... .]

I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. [... .]

Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten.[... .]

I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.  Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead.

"Never thought that far ahead."

You mention your attraction to this "beautiful, smart, charming little thing" (interesting noun choice) 24 years your junior. You mention at least 4 times that you never thought it'd turn into anything... .

Choosing a partner, and doing good self care, are our own responsibility.

I challenge you to own your part here, and understand that I have sympathy for the heart break you went through due to her BPD actions.

You also chose this person for your own reasons, and your intention is yours.

I appreciate your request for feedback.
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« Reply #66 on: September 07, 2014, 05:48:36 AM »

Some others i just remembered:

"I don't know what love is" (her having a bright moment for once?)

"You can't force someone to love you"
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« Reply #67 on: September 07, 2014, 02:32:38 PM »

Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?

It was kind of a lark. [... .]

I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. [... .]

Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten.[... .]

I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.  Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead.

"Never thought that far ahead."

You mention your attraction to this "beautiful, smart, charming little thing" (interesting noun choice) 24 years your junior. You mention at least 4 times that you never thought it'd turn into anything... .

Choosing a partner, and doing good self care, are our own responsibility.

I challenge you to own your part here, and understand that I have sympathy for the heart break you went through due to her BPD actions.

You also chose this person for your own reasons, and your intention is yours.

I appreciate your request for feedback.

The consensus among my family and friends (and later my therapsist) was that there are never any guarantees in any relationship, and that if you treat each other with love and respect, that is really all you can ask for. I was very realistic about eventually parting ways for variety of reasons, mostly because I understood that she would need to grow and experience life on her own. I tried to be grounded in my expectations, and that was something that I was often reminded of by the people in my life. The two of us often discussed our future, including the good possibility that her departure for graduate school next year would likely bring our relationship to an end, although often she pressed me if I would be willing to continue seeing her. But we had clearly defined our relationship as monogamous on both sides, with expectations of fidelity. And believe it or not, we often had a fascinating conversations about art and aesthetics, philosophy, sociology, and many other topics. We spent a good portion of each week together. She was also the most physically affectionate human being I've ever met. I was with her because I enjoyed her company and cared about her very, very much.

As for describing her as being a "beautiful, smart, charming little thing," I only mentioned her size because it made me feel more protective of her. She pointed out how scary it was to be a woman of her size out in the world, particularly living and working in dangerous neighborhoods. She claimed that was one of the reasons why she remained a partial shut in, and that vulnerability brought out my co-dependent tendencies.

While she certainly had borderline traits early on, BPD was nothing I had any awareness of at the time. As difficult and demanding is she often was, she also seemed like a very open, honest, and trustworthy person. During the affair, she still insisted that she loved me, adored me, was "so happy" to have me in her life, thought I was her "best" lover, etc. In fact, the night she dumped me after I realized the affair was still continuing, she sent me a text message a few hours later stating "I really do love you." She continued to tell me that during her relationship with my replacement. Being with him, apparently, was something that she needed "right now."I should also add that she was an addict in recovery, sober for two years, but during the affair, a daily user. I didn't find out about her past drug and alcohol addictions for quite some time.

Until the very end, she had never shown such a complete lack of empathy before. She was a wonderful actress, and I felt blindsided. I felt like I had been manipulated, used and discarded once I was no longer useful. And I don't think you can blame that on her age.
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« Reply #68 on: September 07, 2014, 05:28:36 PM »

I've been reading this thread with interest. My uBPDexgf was 19 years younger. When we first met she was in a relationship, living with him. I made it clear at the start that I was only interested in friendship (we had a mutual passion) Well, she made the moves and within a week she decided to split up with her partner and was all over me like a rash. She would visit or want contact almost daily and when we were not together she was calling me/texting/skyping non stop. I was a bit overwhelmed but loved the affections of a much younger woman. Quite early on she started talking about our age difference. I actually think that it was her parents objection to our age difference, not hers. She had really bad anxiety so worried herself sick about everything and our difference, in her mind was something that never left her head. To cut a long story short. I eventually met her parents and it wasn't long after that she decided to bail and wanted no contact. I assume she has gone back to her ex (10 years older than her and totally co-dependent with very low self esteem) She too was very short 4' 11". Right at the end she asked me if I thought she had daddy issues.

Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?

It was kind of a lark. [... .]

I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. [... .]

Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten.[... .]

I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.  Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead.

"Never thought that far ahead."

You mention your attraction to this "beautiful, smart, charming little thing" (interesting noun choice) 24 years your junior. You mention at least 4 times that you never thought it'd turn into anything... .

Choosing a partner, and doing good self care, are our own responsibility.

I challenge you to own your part here, and understand that I have sympathy for the heart break you went through due to her BPD actions.

You also chose this person for your own reasons, and your intention is yours.

I appreciate your request for feedback.

The consensus among my family and friends (and later my therapsist) was that there are never any guarantees in any relationship, and that if you treat each other with love and respect, that is really all you can ask for. I was very realistic about eventually parting ways for variety of reasons, mostly because I understood that she would need to grow and experience life on her own. I tried to be grounded in my expectations, and that was something that I was often reminded of by the people in my life. The two of us often discussed our future, including the good possibility that her departure for graduate school next year would likely bring our relationship to an end, although often she pressed me if I would be willing to continue seeing her. But we had clearly defined our relationship as monogamous on both sides, with expectations of fidelity. And believe it or not, we often had a fascinating conversations about art and aesthetics, philosophy, sociology, and many other topics. We spent a good portion of each week together. She was also the most physically affectionate human being I've ever met. I was with her because I enjoyed her company and cared about her very, very much.

As for describing her as being a "beautiful, smart, charming little thing," I only mentioned her size because it made me feel more protective of her. She pointed out how scary it was to be a woman of her size out in the world, particularly living and working in dangerous neighborhoods. She claimed that was one of the reasons why she remained a partial shut in, and that vulnerability brought out my co-dependent tendencies.

While she certainly had borderline traits early on, BPD was nothing I had any awareness of at the time. As difficult and demanding is she often was, she also seemed like a very open, honest, and trustworthy person. During the affair, she still insisted that she loved me, adored me, was "so happy" to have me in her life, thought I was her "best" lover, etc. In fact, the night she dumped me after I realized the affair was still continuing, she sent me a text message a few hours later stating "I really do love you." She continued to tell me that during her relationship with my replacement. Being with him, apparently, was something that she needed "right now."I should also add that she was an addict in recovery, sober for two years, but during the affair, a daily user. I didn't find out about her past drug and alcohol addictions for quite some time.

Until the very end, she had never shown such a complete lack of empathy before. She was a wonderful actress, and I felt blindsided. I felt like I had been manipulated, used and discarded once I was no longer useful. And I don't think you can blame that on her age.

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« Reply #69 on: September 07, 2014, 05:35:48 PM »

After my ex cheated on me, she said, "Yeah I slept with him. He had the body of a God. Looked like Adonis." 

Then after we reconciled, I asked if it was as good as our sex. She said, "Not even close." After that, I made the mistake of having sex with her again. She had three orgasms and did the greatest O faces... .I told her, "He may have had the body of Adonis, but I know where your orgasm button is."

A few days later she left me... .I hope she is missing my prowess  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #70 on: September 07, 2014, 05:42:20 PM »

I just thought of another disturbing thing she told me. I told her that infatuation was her drug, and that she would never know what real love was. She said if that was the case, she would just kill herself. Deep down, I suspect she knows that love – real love, not infatuation – is something she may never know.
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« Reply #71 on: September 07, 2014, 07:32:30 PM »

quite good this thread... .

hmmmm... "Let go and let god"... .that's about all i got.  She found god and was 'reborn' so all the nasty stuff she'd done or said in the past wasn't to be reminded to her... .(errr... .the bloke you went with and who then threatened you?)

she did ask me for help paying her bills afterwards though... .  so she couldn't 'let go' (of me)... .presumably because god didn't have the capacity to pay her rent? 

TBH even to this day, I haven't a clue what let go and let god means, certainly in her context.  Just added to the BS and utter confusion. 

She would have said anything to anyone if it meant she didn't have to work, felt accepted by her family and could lead a lazy, easy, rather vacuous life.  Religion was just a faddish tool at the time... . 
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« Reply #72 on: September 07, 2014, 07:37:30 PM »

quite good this thread... .

hmmmm... "Let go and let god"... .that's about all i got.  She found god and was 'reborn' so all the nasty stuff she'd done or said in the past wasn't to be reminded to her... .(errr... .the bloke you went with and who then threatened you?)

she did ask me for help paying her bills afterwards though... . so she couldn't 'let go' (of me)... .presumably because god didn't have the capacity to pay her rent?  

TBH even to this day, I haven't a clue what let go and let god means, certainly in her context.  Just added to the BS and utter confusion.  

She would have said anything to anyone if it meant she didn't have to work, felt accepted by her family and could lead a lazy, easy, rather vacuous life.  Religion was just a faddish tool at the time... . 

Haha I got the religious crap too. Called me up one day and out of left field began Raving at me like a brainwashed fanatic,  and telling me god was going to show her the way and tgat he has a plan for her and it made her feel so good,  and that when she thought of the replacement she just got this warm feeling from God that she was supposed to save him!

I can laugh at it now but at the time it was no laughing matter,  how on earth do you process that!

I think she was religious for about 3 days
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« Reply #73 on: September 07, 2014, 07:58:07 PM »

Yes, it really was religious 'crap' as you said.

It was like she took the bible, read it, selected key phrases, twisted them, added her own ego (analysis) based upon having a degree (not in theology, but in travel & tourism naturally), and then used those phrases to justify everything.  All her mistakes were to be forgiven (and forgotten conveniently) because 'God loves her' and we are all sons of a higher presence. 

After the relationship, I decided to enrol in bible class at her church (she, naturally wasn't there -too hard!) just to work out where the hell her phrases had come from.  It was a rather happy clappy place, and yes, word for word, her quotes came from someone else's mouth...

The girl had no ideas/feelings/words of her own.  None.  She was just a mouthpiece.  No 'self'... . 

Oh, final bit.  Now (apparently) she doesn't believe in sex before marriage and her reborn state is pure.  Bit late for that love... .  think the fella before me also might be a little surprised.  And the arranged marriage dude... and the... and the... . 

Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Feel sorry for true Christians and people of healthy and loving faith.  BPD's don't half manipulate it
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« Reply #74 on: September 07, 2014, 08:03:21 PM »

Yes, mine had "been to see a pastor" and I think it was one of those happy clappy places. She was not the brightest bulb in the box, not to say she was stupid but she didn't posses impressive intellect,  so I think she was literally parroting the pastors words back at me. She also began posting scripture quotes on her social media. Telling everyone she was so happy and all her problems were gone.

All this only lasted about 3 days before she was over it, I'd avoided her for a couple of days and got a "please help me my life is so bad" text. I actually said to her after that she seemed really into it and why had she given up on it but of course that was met with "I don't want to talk about it" just like the reasons why her life was bad, she had no reasons just wanted me to go running over and comfort her as per.

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« Reply #75 on: September 07, 2014, 08:37:14 PM »

Oh Inferno... .we must have dated the same girl?

brunette?

5ft 10, middle-eastern,

never worked a day in her life

took her to the age of 29 to get the qualifications I had at 21

"hands up in the air" (like you just don't care, la, la, la)

11.10am appointment.  Every Friday.  Without fail.

Arrived 11.20am.  Late.  Every Friday.  Without fail.

Poor pastors... .that's all I can say. 

She had a really easy life.  Money from mummy every month, hair allowance, clothes allowance... .  pfffffff... .

She did care about the homeless though... .  God knows what they thought when she quoted god to them and handed themm her leftover Harrods food hall dinners. Patronising? noo
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« Reply #76 on: September 07, 2014, 09:10:37 PM »

Oh Inferno... .we must have dated the same girl?

I wonder if any of us on here are on about the same person?

One I forgot my ex wife said. She was on about her new boyfriend and said "His bonus this year bought his new Jaguar" Talk about trying to rub it in.
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« Reply #77 on: September 07, 2014, 09:17:57 PM »

Oh Inferno... .we must have dated the same girl?

I wonder if any of us on here are on about the same person?

One I forgot my ex wife said. She was on about her new boyfriend and said "His bonus this year bought his new Jaguar" Talk about trying to rub it in.

Chances are there are some people on here talking about the same person. When I went to counselling and mentioned the name of mine I could have sworn the counsiller raised an eyebrow, and some of her responses very early in our first talk lead me to belive she has heard that name before
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« Reply #78 on: September 07, 2014, 10:50:30 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic. Please feel free to start a new thread.
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