I failed

[zenwexler]

I unblocked her and texted her. I wouldn't be able to move forward. I need to know why she called me the other night. If she actually has plans to move or if she's considering to try to get back together. I just can't live like this anymore. I don't feel like a human being anymore. I just want to either be with her and be happy or not have her part of my life but also be happy. I'm constantly on this forum trying to stay alive and I hate it.

I ignored her call the next day and I hadn't heard from her since. Which consumed me. Why would she call me back to back days then hear nothing from her? So I texted her. Haven't heard back yet. Now I feel shame for giving in and texting her.

[Infern0]

Failure is just a step on the road to success my friend.

I'm not going to criticize anyone in your position. I would just say make sure you are doing things for the right reasons.  The language in your post indicates you are not strong in your core. I would advise to continue NC until you feel strong enough to make rational decisions.

The no response from her should be all the information you need.

[enlighten me]

Hi Zen

Try not to worry about it and don't blame yourself. We all have these moments. Its what you do now that counts. Its up to you whether you let go or continue with this pain.

By responding you have now given her power. The power to ignore you and cause you more pain or to lead you however she wants. You need to take back that power.

[zenwexler]

How do I get the power back?

[enlighten me]

By going NC again. By being realistic and deciding what it is you truly want. By not dwelling in the past but looking to your future. By realising that you deserve better.

By taking control of your life and not living someone else's.

It might seem hard but you can do it. You sometimes need to break things apart before you can build them back up again.

[zenwexler]

I was nc. I had her blocked. She found a way to reach me. That was my best effort. I gave it all I had

[KeepOnGoing]

Hey Zen,

Put down the big stick. You are ok, and you are going to be ok. Block her at every level, and challenge yourself one day at a time to not have contact for the next 90 days. Make a game of it at first if you have to, and you will feel much better in 90 days, or sooner. I promise. Take back your power. Try not to give into reacting to what you think she is doing or not doing. Post on here every day. Let yourself feel the pain for now. Talk to a therapist if you need to for now. She's a drug. A crack pipe. A needle. Shore up all of your defenses against the first bit of contact. If you are thinking about contacting her, post here. Get involved in other posts and conversations on here. Block her again, my friend. Just step away from that buzz saw of crazy. You will be ok.

Keep us posted.

[enlighten me]

It doesn't matter if she can reach you. What matters is how you let it effect you.

I have to have contact with both my uBPD exs. At first it was hard. I took it personally. I longed for them to just say I want you back. I felt as if I was nothing without them.

I then changed my outlook. I looked at what I actually got from the relationships. I realised that it was only what I had put in. The love I felt was just the love I showed being reflected back. There was nothing that I would miss that I hadn't created and that was hard to accept but accept it I did. Yes somewhere in there is the person that I loved but that was only a fragment of who they were. A tiny piece of them that was the same as me. That fragment was buried in amongst someone who I am not. That tiny fragment was all we had in common and I realised that it wasn't worth the heartache.

[zenwexler]

I'm texting her now. Every eggshell has been thrown to within a 100 mile radius. I thought she was drunk when she called me. Turns out she was completely sober.

[SpringInMyStep]

zen,

you did not fail. this is just a little hiccup on your road to freedom. please make an effort to stay NC because I promise you, you will feel better. all of this stress you have wondering why she didn't text you, yadda yadda yadda? ALL of that disappears with no contact. but it can't just be NC, it has to be "I don't care if you contact me". It has to be you moving on and taking back your life.

I promise you, I know what you're going through. 

[kc sunshine]

zenwexler: we're with you! And I so know what you mean about the agony of the push and pull/ text and then not text. So so so hard.

[Infern0]

Zen please don't do it man. Save yourself

[GuiltHaunted]

I am going the other way, than what the other posters say:

Do what you got to do!

If you need to text her, then do so... .No one can tell you to go NC. That has to come from a desire within yourself.

I was 7 months on/off NC, before having enough. During the 7 months, I ignored a contact attempt of hers for two months. It was eating me up, so after two months I caved in and wrote her... .of course it didn't lead anywhere. I could have saved myself the pain and responded right away.

In the end I asked her never to contact me again, and haven't heard from her since. That is now 9 months ago.

To be honest... .There is no quick fix. I don't know when you broke up. But count on at least 6 months of hell. Take one day at a time and you will end up getting through it. Those 6 months are pure survival... .so it pretty much doesn't matter what you do. NC, LC or contact, whatever eases the pain for you at the time.

When you get relatively through (resuming a somewhat normal daily routine - 6 months), cut her out if you can.

I am 16 months out now, and doing well. I still think about her EVERY day, but not with a feeling of pain. I guess the cure for the remaining thinking about her, is a new relationship... .

[SpringInMyStep]

Yeah I definitely am not telling you what to feel... .I'm saying to pay attention to how you feel when you have contact with her. I saw my wife the other day because I had to (for my condo refi) and I've been fuming with anger ever since. She emailed me again today asking when we were gonna hang out and I told her I needed time and I'm still processing. I do not want to hang out with her. I have to pay attention to the way it felt and all of this aftermath. I do not need this stress and realize it's less stress without her.

That's all. If you do contact her, just really be mindful of how it makes you feel and take the appropriate actions.

[zenwexler]

So I asked her if what she would do about her bf if she moved. She responded by asking if that was a casual way of asking if she was still seeing him. I just said I was wondering.

She responded by saying

Her- " I mean I didn't let us being together hold me back from moving to NY right?"

Me " I lived 80 miles from NY, Big difference"

Her- "That's true. I actually don't like to think about it because I no idea. Haha. But it's extremely unhealthy to base your life on someone else. I mean if a guy moved to be closer to me I would be freaked out. Unless I thought it was going to last a long time, I'd be worried. Honestly, in our relationship I think it moved too quickly and too forcefully."

Me' "We were at weird parts of our lives"

Her- ya but also we weren't a great fit don't you think? I felt like we just weren't a good fit. I mean I think we were bored and wanted to feel something so we chose each other to do it and there ya go"


Why is she saying these things?

[Infern0]

So I asked her if what she would do about her bf if she moved. She responded by asking if that was a casual way of asking if she was still seeing him. I just said I was wondering.

She responded by saying

Her- " I mean I didn't let us being together hold me back from moving to NY right?"

Me " I lived 80 miles from NY, Big difference"

Her- "That's true. I actually don't like to think about it because I no idea. Haha. But it's extremely unhealthy to base your life on someone else. I mean if a guy moved to be closer to me I would be freaked out. Unless I thought it was going to last a long time, I'd be worried. Honestly, in our relationship I think it moved too quickly and too forcefully."

Me' "We were at weird parts of our lives"

Her- ya but also we weren't a great fit don't you think? I felt like we just weren't a good fit. I mean I think we were bored and wanted to feel something so we chose each other to do it and there ya go"


Why is she saying these things?

It's nonsensical drivel mate.  Why are you subjecting yourself to this? Block her ass and move on is my advice. I know it's hard.

This is all tactics.

Alternatively just say yeah I agree,  you were just a bit of fun,  you kept me entertained.  And see the animal come out.

[Hopeless777]

So I asked her if what she would do about her bf if she moved. She responded by asking if that was a casual way of asking if she was still seeing him. I just said I was wondering.

She responded by saying

Her- " I mean I didn't let us being together hold me back from moving to NY right?"

Me " I lived 80 miles from NY, Big difference"

Her- "That's true. I actually don't like to think about it because I no idea. Haha. But it's extremely unhealthy to base your life on someone else. I mean if a guy moved to be closer to me I would be freaked out. Unless I thought it was going to last a long time, I'd be worried. Honestly, in our relationship I think it moved too quickly and too forcefully."

Me' "We were at weird parts of our lives"

Her- ya but also we weren't a great fit don't you think? I felt like we just weren't a good fit. I mean I think we were bored and wanted to feel something so we chose each other to do it and there ya go"


Why is she saying these things?

Not to be harsh, because I'm so sorry for your moments of pain and anguish, but the "why" can never be asked about BPD behavior, words, deeds, etc. I lived with a BPDw for 27+ years and if I asked why, I'd be committed to the funny farm. The only answer is that they have BPD and are generally incurable. I've been with my T in weekly sessions for more than 3 months. My T "assessed" my BPDw for couples therapy and my T declined. My T thought my BPDw to be too afflicted and needed in-residence treatment for 30-90 days. My BPDw simply thinks she's not assertive enough. Talk about denial. Realize they have BPD and there is no logic only immediate feeling that changes from minute to minute often 180 degrees. NC is the only path to sanity for us.

[myself]

You didn't fail. You were looking for an answer. You found it.

[zenwexler]

What answer did I find? I have no idea. I feel more confused

[Infern0]

What answer did I find? I have no idea. I feel more confused

That she's got BPD and you need to stay well clear.

That's the only answer that matters.

You are in FOG mode. I don't think you are going to listen to any of us but we will be here when you hit bedrock again if you continue down this path.

[blissful_camper]

I agree.  You didn't fail.  You did what you needed to do, and now you know where she stands.  Where you go next is up to you.  I promise that if you stay NC and give yourself the space and time to process, reflect, and heal, you'll find inner harmony on the other side.  One day at a time.  

[blissful_camper]

What answer did I find? I have no idea. I feel more confused

When you're in it, it's easy to get caught up in trying to figure it out.  Try to let that part of it go, as difficult as it is.  It makes no sense.  It's a disorder that's talking.  Don't take it personally.  It's not about you. 

[zenwexler]

It really is the exact same cycle over and over again. It's unreal. There truly is no debate. She is severely disordered. She just told me that she has gotten into a bad habit of cat calling men. Like what?

[LettingGo14]

How do I get the power back?

Hello zen.  I am sorry you are still suffering.

Here's my answer to the question.  It's just one perspective of many, but I offer because I do think you can re-claim yourself.   I will write in terms of what I did because, like you, I wanted contact because I wanted to understand.

First, I had to accept that I was suffering, and when I say "accept" I mean I had to "consent" to it (in other words, go through it, rather than around it).  There is wisdom in "no escape" from the pain (that is, in sitting with it, without judgment).

Second, I had to accept that the answer was within me (and not with her). This is easier said than done.  But, she was a rubik's cube that I was not going to solve. I turned all attention to myself and kept bringing the questions back to myself (even when I desperately wanted contact -- even when I broke NC... .I kept telling myself, "it's not about her, it's not about her, it's not about her, it's not about her... .".

Third, I committed to "re-training" my brain.  I used meditation -- because it meant (1) leaning into the spear, (2) not "reacting" to thoughts or feelings, and (3) learning to "hold" and "self-soothe" rather than look outside myself for answers.

This is possible, my friend.   I felt like a pathetic addict when I stumbled into this community.   It has been 8 months, and everything has changed.    

The answer is within you.

[zenwexler]

Thank you all for your continuous support. Her actions shouldn't surprise me but they do even though it's the same thing over and over and over. It really is kindblowing. Every single time I go nc she goes to such great lengths to get in contact with me then tries to drive home the message that she wants to be friends even though all of her actions screams she has feelings for me. And every time I get sucked in. It's funny. I actually thought she was in love with her bf. but clearly her actions prove otherwise.

[LettingGo14]

And every time I get sucked in.

You have the power to re-frame this.   You truly do.   Even if you do get "sucked in" -- you can begin again.  Even if it takes a billion re-starts.   

[zenwexler]

The reframing is more of just facing reality. She has serious issues and proves this every time she recycles. Do I just go nc again? Or do I let her no? Or just block her again and make sure I don't pick up the phone for unknown numbers

[LettingGo14]

Do I just go nc again? Or do I let her no? Or just block her again and make sure I don't pick up the phone for unknown numbers

When you decide -- truly decide -- that she has no more power, it won't matter if you go NC or LC or block or allow.   Think of people you pass on the street every day -- just ordinary people, with no radioactive impact on you.  Or, think of people who have come in and out of life -- even those who hurt you.  You may now think fondly of them, or even feel somewhat indifferent.

There are over 7 billion people on this planet, in a universe with more stars in the sky than grains of sand on the earth.   None of us have to give power to one person.  (Note:  I was in your shoes, so I understand).

Detachment leads to freedom.  And that detachment comes when we stop being reactive to the other person.  Yes, they hurt us.  Yes, they traumatize us.  But, at some point, we say, "no more."   

[Infern0]

The reframing is more of just facing reality. She has serious issues and proves this every time she recycles. Do I just go nc again? Or do I let her no? Or just block her again and make sure I don't pick up the phone for unknown numbers

Why on earth would you let her know?

Sorry to be harsh but there you go.

Block her,  delete her number,  don't answer unknowns.  NO CONTACT.

[zenwexler]

Haha i love how lettinggo writes this beautiful spiritual message and inferno just writes bluntly delete block never look back. That made me laugh. I needed that. Both very good advice. This girl haunts me. I wish I could just fully escape her. Or just be with her happily. But the latter seems impossible I guess