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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: About to break NC (over 2 months) - Letter to her  (Read 6883 times)
NorthLight
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« on: September 30, 2014, 03:26:40 PM »

Hey family 

I wasn't sure i wanted to make a thread about this, but I have no were else to post it. I am very close of sending this letter to my exBPD. I have been blocking her for the last 2 months on Facebook and phone, but i can still see her updated profile pic (because of old messages) and its her and her new serious bf (that she probably left me for, for all i know... ).

Its been a really ruff three months since she dumped me, and tbh, no matter how much i understand BPD, and i see others  write about sharing kids with BPD, i just can't get over it and be grateful its over now rather than later.

I am depressed all the time, and can't see any light. i feel like crap. And how unfair that she isn't going through any pain or missing me and what we had! I like reading threads about how people have managed to move on eventually, and i wish i can say the same to the "newbies" one day in the future hehe, but right now, i need to post this sh^t instead. I am just so lost I'm crying while I'm writing, wow. I have almost decided that i am going to send it, but deep inside i know i should wait, so instead i let it out here for now, thanks for being able to share it and maybe not make a mistake
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NorthLight
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« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2014, 03:27:02 PM »

I miss you so much. We sticked together through so many good times and ruff times. I can’t understand how easy you threw me out of your life out of the blue. We threaded each other so good and suddenly I lost everything – All the dreams and planning we shared about our future and the life we had ahead of us, how we wanted to marry each other, have kids and move to this house on the country. Now I sit here, broken, feeling so lonely and abandoned, I no longer trust people and I don’t believe in love. What have I done to deserve this?

I thought you loved me more than anything. You kept telling me all the time how we were meant to be, soul mates, and I was your dream boy and the best thing that has ever happened to you? I can’t get all the good memories out of my head, we had so much fun and I thought we were going to explore the whole world together. I miss the good chemistry; we had amazing sex and were best friends. And I did the best I could through those ruff times with your depression and anxiety, and kept you safe in the days you were afraid of everyone and everything.

When you were as ill as I am now (depressed), at least you had me that promised to always be there for you. I have never ever been at a lower place in life mentally, and I have no idea what I have done to deserve this, but I can’t cope and handle with it much longer. I have no idea how to want to live life again, I feel so broken. And at the same time you have just cut me out of your life and are in a new serious relationship, really?

I guess I just wanted to say that I miss you, and I think its really unrealistic how you are not here for me, when I always was there for you when you needed me the most. I thought we were always going to be here for each other, and I can’t get over that shock of loosing you so sudden. I need to block you again, because I am so afraid of the pain I get if you read this but doesn’t even bother to answer me - I am afraid you will, because I am not sure I even know you anymore, or ever knew you. Do you even remember me?

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NorthLight
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« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2014, 03:28:07 PM »

Thanks for letting me post this. Have a great night family, i wish you all the best and very good luck in the future, nobody deserves this pain, and its so unfair and makes no sense what so ever. 
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Split black
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« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2014, 04:19:13 PM »

Thanks for letting me post this. Have a great night family, i wish you all the best and very good luck in the future, nobody deserves this pain, and its so unfair and makes no sense what so ever. 

DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT! She doesn't deserve the ego boost and you will appear weak. She will love it. You wont get what you want.

Ive been recycled 7 times... .each time worse. Ive gone NC for 3 months, got to where you are now... .and caved. Mine however was such a cheating liar that if she found to a way to exploit me she would have sex. Dont do it man... .  dig deep. You can and will get thru it.

If you have to date 50 girls just go do it. It will help take your mind off it.
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Infern0
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« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2014, 04:27:32 PM »

Yeah do not send it man its only going to make things worse.
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NorthLight
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« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2014, 04:47:40 PM »

Thanks for the replies it really helps. A big big part of me agrees, that I shouldn't .

It might boost her ego, and it might make me look even more weak and pathetic to her, so she will maybe feel even greater that she is finally "rid of me". So yes i agree that i shouldn't!

BUT then its the part of me that feels "how can it get any worse than now anyway" and "why not try" to reach out.

Maybe, one day, when she is really down (she is really down a lot, roller coaster, like most BPD) or maybe when her replacement rs goes to hell, she will open my letter, read it word by word, and think "what the heck have i done, why did i abandon him and get rid of him when he was just nice to me and i was so in love with him".

And that thought could maybe help me get some closure here to move on. I am desperate. Because right now it just feels so unfair to think that she will never regret dumping me, or feel any empathy for me.

Thanks again for the replies. I am so grateful for this community Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2014, 04:48:12 PM »

northlight, i feel your pain and depression and how it feels like you are unable to carry on. your letter brought tears to my eyes, because i feel the exact same way.

but i agree with the others - don't send it. it will only give her the power to be cruel to you. at this point, you need to protect yourself.

like you, i have found it helpful to write. i write as if i'm speaking to my ex, but it is my journal. sometimes i think that just letting my thoughts in the universe is enough.
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crookedeuphoria
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« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2014, 04:56:39 PM »

I do the same as pieceofme. I write to him constantly in my journal. Saying what I want to say to him would only lead me to even more pain than I already feel. I, too, cannot believe that he never really loved me. How would that even be a possibility? I felt his love, I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, I felt it when he touched me. I cannot fathom that it wasn't as real to him as it was to me. It is an impossibilty.

The only thing that gets me through some days is believing that the monsters in his head finally won and "took him over", like a dark, twisted fairy tale. He is in there, somewhere, but he is lost to me.
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Infern0
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« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2014, 05:13:34 PM »

Thanks for the replies it really helps. A big big part of me agrees, that I shouldn't .

It might boost her ego, and it might make me look even more weak and pathetic to her, so she will maybe feel even greater that she is finally "rid of me". So yes i agree that i shouldn't!

BUT then its the part of me that feels "how can it get any worse than now anyway" and "why not try" to reach out.

Maybe, one day, when she is really down (she is really down a lot, roller coaster, like most BPD) or maybe when her replacement rs goes to hell, she will open my letter, read it word by word, and think "what the heck have i done, why did i abandon him and get rid of him when he was just nice to me and i was so in love with him".

And that thought could maybe help me get some closure here to move on. I am desperate. Because right now it just feels so unfair to think that she will never regret dumping me, or feel any empathy for me.

Thanks again for the replies. I am so grateful for this community Smiling (click to insert in post)

Well no because if she thinks that she's going to start harassing you to take her back.

Sit on the letter buddy you will figure it out.  NC
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pieceofme
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« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2014, 05:14:25 PM »

I do the same as pieceofme. I write to him constantly in my journal. Saying what I want to say to him would only lead me to even more pain than I already feel. I, too, cannot believe that he never really loved me. How would that even be a possibility? I felt his love, I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, I felt it when he touched me. I cannot fathom that it wasn't as real to him as it was to me. It is an impossibilty.

The only thing that gets me through some days is believing that the monsters in his head finally won and "took him over", like a dark, twisted fairy tale. He is in there, somewhere, but he is lost to me.

it is an impossibility. it is, isn't it?

i like what you said about the monsters in his head. it's sickeningly beautiful.
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NorthLight
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« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2014, 05:38:30 PM »

Quote from: pieceofme


northlight, i feel your pain and depression and how it feels like you are unable to carry on. your letter brought tears to my eyes, because i feel the exact same way.

but i agree with the others - don't send it. it will only give her the power to be cruel to you. at this point, you need to protect yourself.

like you, i have found it helpful to write. i write as if i'm speaking to my ex, but it is my journal. sometimes i think that just letting my thoughts in the universe is enough.

Thanks for the advice. I wish you the best! Ill keep writing, and hope I don't send anything and get more hurted if she doesn't reply.

Quote from: Infern0
Well no because if she thinks that she's going to start harassing you to take her back.

Sit on the letter buddy you will figure it out.  NC

I don't know how it is to be harassed because i was never harassed, just dumped and silent treatment all the way. I don't want to recycle but I think it would be a good feeling to know that she is missing what we had, and want it back. But i don't know because i have never been contacted, maybe its easier knowing she also has a broken hearth, or maybe not.
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« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2014, 05:58:14 PM »

Thanks for the replies it really helps. A big big part of me agrees, that I shouldn't .

It might boost her ego, and it might make me look even more weak and pathetic to her, so she will maybe feel even greater that she is finally "rid of me". So yes i agree that i shouldn't!

BUT then its the part of me that feels "how can it get any worse than now anyway" and "why not try" to reach out.

Maybe, one day, when she is really down (she is really down a lot, roller coaster, like most BPD) or maybe when her replacement rs goes to hell, she will open my letter, read it word by word, and think "what the heck have i done, why did i abandon him and get rid of him when he was just nice to me and i was so in love with him".

And that thought could maybe help me get some closure here to move on. I am desperate. Because right now it just feels so unfair to think that she will never regret dumping me, or feel any empathy for me.

Thanks again for the replies. I am so grateful for this community Smiling (click to insert in post)

I understand the compulsion, and have been debating sending something a bit similar. Not as an attempt to get her back, just as an explanation as to why I will be blocking her phone and marking her email as spam. That I never want to hear from her again, and then actually do it.

She is pushing for the friends thing, keeps contacting me. I do love this person, regardless of what she's done to me. I also know she is disordered, and can't help herself. I feel like I should at least let her know the the following key points

1) I loved her

2) this is hard for me and her constant reaching out to me is making it worse

3) I need her out of my head, heart and life in order to move on

4) I will be blocking all forms of communication

5) Have a wonderful life, and goodbye

It just seems like the right thing to do... I am trying to hold onto the good in me through all this ___. Just ignoring her without an explanation feels like a game, and mean spirited. She will freak out otherwise

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« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2014, 06:04:08 PM »

Please don't.  I know I been there.  I been back several times even after the last break up we text back and forth and I almost went back and she is very attractive and persuasive and yes would I love to hold her etc, and us laugh and kiss, but how long will that last.  Not long.  It hurts I know.

I get triggered from time to time and did yesterday and it was awful.  I was literally shaking.  You think after a year time, but today I feel much better.  It's like any addiction and really you are addicted, me as well, but you can get off it.  Time, and N/C.  That is hard, I know.  

But I agree, it just seems no matter how connected to you they were they just seem to hop right along to the next without much care or tears.  Mine did cry but it was probably after things did plan out which was after 6 months I almost went back as she cried and told me how mean she was etc, etc.  But I was through that before, it was either, she was highly stressed , or drugs weren't right.  She would never apologize unless it got to the point she thought she was losing other wise she would scream yell punch etc, and the next day nothing.

I am sure she found a sugar daddy, she very attractive and well built (ah part the attraction say the spyder to the fly)

Yes, and they never ever seem to pay for all the pain they caused etc.  And she caused plenty with guys, but of course it's all their fault and so the next knight moves in , and the more money, probably the more time before she reveals herself. The know, they know full well especially at her age.

SO, I am sorry you are grieving but it won't work.  Even if she told you she cared, I wouldn't believe it.  It happen so many times, and they stay true to form.  I believe they believe but it doesn't last longer than a few weeks, tops.  Unless they had a real bad experience.  They are quite good at lying too, and I thought mine was honest, and one thing I admired about her.  Not true!  

Good Luck.  Be strong, do not do it plus you will look like you are begging which is very bad in there eyes , very bad.  I pray you don't .  If you do, don't get mad though at yourself.  It happens.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #13 on: September 30, 2014, 06:10:24 PM »

Northlight-

I think most of us here feel the same way. Mine sent me messages declaring eternal love for me, said we were soulmates, best friends, family, misses me, AFTER she abandoned me for a guy she had been having an affair with. It's impossible for a non to understand how you could seem so central to their life, only to be emotionally and sexually betrayed and then tossed into the gutter--while still being told how they can't imagine not having you in their life.

I often think of sending the same letter, using almost the same words you use. It's tempting. We wonder if there is anything there that even acknowleges us, remebers us, loves us, feels sorrow or regret. If not reconciliation, we seek validation and closure. But I can tell you from my own experience, the few times I broke no contact and begged her to answer "why" I only became more confused, more hurt, more alienated, and more depressed. My hurt was projected back as a personal weakness, which is ironic because when she was betrayed by an earlier boyfriend she claimed it destroyed her life.

When you reveal yourself to a Borderline ex, especially while in a relationship with your replacement, there are only three outcomes: further estrangement and devaluation; triangulation with their current partner; or setting up a possible recycle. We read the boards to remind ourselves that none of these possibilities end well. It's always, and only, about them.

We expect them to show sorrow and remorse, because that is what a non would feel after behaving so destructively. But would a non be capable of behaving this way to begin with? None of us are perfect, but most of us here tend to be the loving, empathetic types, and hate causing harm. Most of us would not be capable of their abuse. But they neither love nor trust. They use others.

I read here all the time that the disorder always wins. I must remind myself of that every day.

If nothing else, I would encourage you to delay sending the email until you get more distance. Read these boards. Post. Research the disorder. Reflect on the possible outcomes. Question your motives.

We identify with your problem. For many of us, this is the worst time of our lives. Just remember, you are not alone.

Hang in there the best you can.

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fred6
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« Reply #14 on: September 30, 2014, 06:23:04 PM »

I handed my uxBPD a letter about 10 days ago. She asked what it was and I told her it was the key to her house. She got a pissed off look and sighed at me, kind of like she didn't like me giving her house key back to her. Anyhow, I then told her to please read the letter and she again sighed and said, "whatever". That was the last time I saw or talked to her. So, no the letter isn't going to make her run back to you. I didn't do it for that reason. I had things that I wanted to say and she wouldn't give me an honest talk, so I gave her a letter. It was my form of closure and to get some $hit off my chest.

Did she read it? I don't know. Hopefully she did, but maybe it is still sitting in the center console of her car or in the garbage. I cannot control any of that. I gave her a letter and told her to read it, what happened from there is on her. In my case, the letter was more for me than for her anyhow, and I knew up front that she wouldn't reply. So if you feel the need to give her the letter, I say give it to her. But only if you have no expectations of her replying. Don't set yourself up with any expectations... .
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« Reply #15 on: September 30, 2014, 06:23:15 PM »

DO NOT SEND IT!

You're just making yourself look pathetic in her eyes.

You fell in love with a fantasy, the person you thought you fell in love with does not exist! It was a fairytale that she created and you were an actor in. BPD's look for Mr Perfect, for a while you were Mr Perfect, but once she realised that you were an actual individual its game over. She made sure she was everything you wanted in a woman.

My ex talked about kids and marriage after one week, she once told me that she fell in love with me because of our texts, before we had even met! You see, they don't fall in love with YOU, they fall in love with a fantasy that they create in their disordered minds. Emotionally they are little children, they believe that Disney movies are real life, that Prince Charming just appears out of the clouds and that they live happily ever after.

They are lots of mentally health, wonderful women out there, that's who you want to be with, not an emotional vampire that thinks a relationship is a fairytale.
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« Reply #16 on: September 30, 2014, 07:04:22 PM »

I am not sure I agree with the other. If you have to send it, then do it!

If you will for the next many months have to torture yourself with "what if" I had sent it, then rather send it now and get it over with.

You will not be the first one to have sent such a letter. I sent her 3. With months apart. And in-between I tried to remain NC.

Be prepared that it will bring you nothing, and worst case that you might feel worse. However, there is also the chance that it will help you, that at least you said what you wanted her to know.

This is not winners and losers. So what if she gets an ego boost. The main thing is how you will feel afterwards.

My last letter to my ex was after she wrote me an xmas greeting at 3 AM. I was so confused, that I wrote a long letter telling her it confused me , and that I no longer wanted to be guessing about her  motives. That I was still open to a r/s with her or either go along on my own. That I really wanted to know what she was actually feeling.

It led to a phone call, where she (for the umpteenth time) didn't share anything with me. Her explanation for why she felt a need to send my an ex-mas greeting at 3 AM was: "I don't know". At the time (before reading up on BPD) I thought it was an unwillingness to share her feelings (now I know that she actually probably have no idea why she does the things she does). Anyway, it was the final straw for me to ask her for absolutely strict and eternal NC! 9 months now, and counting.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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fred6
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« Reply #17 on: September 30, 2014, 07:28:30 PM »

^^^I agree GuiltHaunted. I don't see where it matters if a letter makes someone look week or pathetic. The exBPD is already gone. If you're trying to recycle it might matter, but if you're just trying to say what you have to say or get closure, then there is no down side that I see. As long as you go into it without any expectations of what might happen.
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« Reply #18 on: September 30, 2014, 07:36:03 PM »

I think it's a lose/lose situation. If you don't send it, sure, you could sit around wondering if sending could make a difference, wondering "what if she read it and saw the light and came back" and then you'd be back in BPD hell.

OTOH, if you send it and get no reply you'll be wondering "did she receive it, if so did she read it, if she read it why isn't she replying" you could drive yourself mad.

The only thing I would send is "thanks for the great times, hope your life turns out well, we have our own paths to travel now, please read these links about BPD that might help you understand your mental condition"
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Split black
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« Reply #19 on: September 30, 2014, 10:01:42 PM »

Thanks for the replies it really helps. A big big part of me agrees, that I shouldn't .

It might boost her ego, and it might make me look even more weak and pathetic to her, so she will maybe feel even greater that she is finally "rid of me". So yes i agree that i shouldn't!

BUT then its the part of me that feels "how can it get any worse than now anyway" and "why not try" to reach out.

Maybe, one day, when she is really down (she is really down a lot, roller coaster, like most BPD) or maybe when her replacement rs goes to hell, she will open my letter, read it word by word, and think "what the heck have i done, why did i abandon him and get rid of him when he was just nice to me and i was so in love with him".

And that thought could maybe help me get some closure here to move on. I am desperate. Because right now it just feels so unfair to think that she will never regret dumping me, or feel any empathy for me.

Thanks again for the replies. I am so grateful for this community Smiling (click to insert in post)

There is a saying what you resist persists. Goes along with Radical acceptance. You are lucky to be out. Seriously. Believe me it can get worse. NC is the only way to get past this agonizing withdrawal. Tell you what... .grind thru 90 more days. 90... .starting now. Swear on your own life or make some promise you will keep. And stick to it. 90... .seems to be the magic number in a lot of cases. NC means no facebook stalking, no drunk dialing, no texts... .she is dead to you. Act as if she died and because symbolically its the same difference. Pure, cold, NC... .go to a shrink, lock yourself in a basement but DO NOT CONTACT HER... .IF at the end of 90 sollid days... .you want to text and say... .Hi, hope all is well. Then do it. And then go back to your life. She will either text back or she wont but you will have put some exremely critical time and distance between you. Let her have her pathetic life. Shes bringing her dysfunctional self to whatever party shes into. You can not control what another person does. There is no trust here and never will be. So 90 DAYS. 

Thats what I did... .she contacted with bull___ when I thought Id never here from her again. I got all excited, texted back and then she let me have it between the eyes. Vicious attacks and gloating garbage. She just wanted to know if she still had a hook in me. And as a result I got my wish... .another 8 months of sex, lies, and nasty ego busting devaluation. I would save you from this destiny.  So you want her back? Go 90 days NC and if she doesn't contact you by then send that little text and see what happens... .   who knows... .maybe you will have moved on, worked on your own co-dependent demons and elevated your sense of worth and pride. 
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« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2014, 02:20:31 AM »

Split Black... .You hit the nail right on the head.  I read your posting twice and even I am going to follow your advice.  I don't have a letter to send, but the struggle is the same nonetheless. I like the "she brings her dysfunctional self to whatever party she's into."  So, so true. NC does put critical time and distance between us and them. Their power is undeniably reduced and or taken away. 
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« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2014, 11:30:49 AM »

Thanks for all the support! I will try to use your experiences as examples of why i should stay NC.


I will try 90 days NC, even tho i am afraid, because i can't imagene myself be so different in only a month (already 2 months nc) that i don't feel the urge to contact her to see if she cared about me at all.

It really helped me last night to read the support. I know NC is the way to go, but my loneliness and my emptiness that i feel everyday, combined with seeing a picture of her and her new "love of her life", just makes me so sick inside that i have trouble to breath! Its so sick to imagine this is the girl i was so in love with and i used to be the most important person in her life, and within days after dumping me she's with another guy and have forgotten about me.
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« Reply #22 on: October 04, 2014, 10:46:06 AM »

Thanks for all the support! I will try to use your experiences as examples of why i should stay NC.


I will try 90 days NC, even tho i am afraid, because i can't imagene myself be so different in only a month (already 2 months nc) that i don't feel the urge to contact her to see if she cared about me at all.

It really helped me last night to read the support. I know NC is the way to go, but my loneliness and my emptiness that i feel everyday, combined with seeing a picture of her and her new "love of her life", just makes me so sick inside that i have trouble to breath! Its so sick to imagine this is the girl i was so in love with and i used to be the most important person in her life, and within days after dumping me she's with another guy and have forgotten about me.

Not to be harsh but believe it. Accept REALITY for what it is. I hope you have stayed strong and have not contacted her. STOP LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE. Thats keeping you addicted. Adding to it. You have to REMOVE all triggers. Do it. You want to feel better? Then dig deep and snap out it the best you can. She has moved on. You are about 6 months behind her in that regard plus shes not dealing with a full deck. She has the ability to disengage and give you as much thought as she would her toaster. So believe it. Its real. It happened. You are feeling the pain of withdrawal from a person. Its worse then heroin. Do anything anything and everything you can to distract yourself and you will eventually find yourself lifted from this torture thats playing out between your own ears. In your own mind.  NC... .  do the 90.
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« Reply #23 on: October 04, 2014, 10:53:27 AM »

Split Black... .You hit the nail right on the head.  I read your posting twice and even I am going to follow your advice.  I don't have a letter to send, but the struggle is the same nonetheless. I like the "she brings her dysfunctional self to whatever party she's into."  So, so true. NC does put critical time and distance between us and them. Their power is undeniably reduced and or taken away.  

You go 90 days... .and you wont care. And if she contacts you at that point... .your eyes will be open. Try to date others even if all you see is your cheating ex. Just try. Shes not going to change... .don't be like me. The sex wasn't worth the sacrifice and the devaluing.  I had to swallow my pride... .accept her having sex with others... .IN ORDER for me to have sex with her and accept her crumbs. So not worth it. Im so glad Im out her reach. Fog does lift. When it does you may experience extreme anger at yourself for allowing it and at her for doing it. BPD/NDP or not... .they function in the world and have to be held responsible for their behavior. I enabled mine to do me, play me, and turned my back on the lies I busted her with so many times. Im responsible for that. THE ONLY way to win with them... .and I mean the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY.  Why bother? So many other more worthy just as hot or hotter partners out there. 90 days. Do it.
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« Reply #24 on: October 04, 2014, 11:06:24 AM »

I mean the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY.

Wise words  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I will try 90 days NC, even tho i am afraid

The first step is always the hardest. The first few days are difficult. Looking at the entire 90 days adds anxiety and stress. Try looking at it as one day at a time. Try to get through the day.
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« Reply #25 on: October 04, 2014, 11:38:18 AM »

Stop right their! I understand you have had good memories with this woman. But she is dead! She no longer exist! This woman you are sending to is not your ex! She is a BPD with a selective memory that will remind her about all mistakes you made, and forget all the mistakes she made. This woman is nothing more then a memory. It exists millions of female on this planet. A guy like you that can cherish a serious relationship is looked on with favor. Sometimes we most realze that our needs most come first. Remind yourself about all the ___ she did. How she hurt you, and never took responsibility. how her nice laugh was used to mock you. This woman has been wearing a mask, it is nice of you to love that mask. But she is not the mask. She is a woman who is troubled. She does not love you, she loves what you can do for her. We will find women that is worthy of our love. So put down your letter! It symbols undeserved love. It is okey to feel sympathy for your BPDex. But let's be honest. It is never an excuse to hurt us. And she cheated on you! Her moral and standards is not worthy of a loyal champion like you. Start believing in yourself! You are worthy of true love. Not that cold dish they said was love. You cried during this relationship. Deep in yourself you knew that this relationship was wrong. You are a victim of a crime. A crime you shall never forgive. And if you do get back, think about your future kids. It wi be a hell for them! And you will die early in life by a disease you contracted because you always where mentally broken down. And she might be standing with her new love in your funeral! Perhaps he isn't even new! Life is to short to give it to someone thinking your an option. You need a interest, a hobby and new friends! Get out their. Change your surroundings, otherwise you will be bound to this beast you call your ex! We no not let go by waiting around for time to fix it. You most replace the hole your ex made by filling it with new experiences. Their exist love for us out their my friend. But first we need to be able to be happy alone. Right now you are lonely. But lonely is a feeling that does not require your ex to fix. Push yourself out of the door, and find your place in the world. Build a new life, and let her be a part of the dust you left! I will like to quotes William Wallace who I know realised talked about BPD relationships "they might take our lives, but they can never take our freedom!"
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« Reply #26 on: October 04, 2014, 12:34:31 PM »

I so relate to you northlight. I was NC for 4 weeks and did sent the letter... .

He hooked me back in and the same crap went on for 4 weeks. 2 weeks of idealisation, 2 weeks of crap and devaluation. It was different this time because I am working on my codep issues. I kept a little distance, didnt try to fix his problems, set boundaries... .It only triggered him more and split again. Which actually was a relief.

Spare yourself the nonsense! Stay NC. You deserve so much better!

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« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2014, 04:40:36 PM »

Please don't send it. Please do your best to stop caring, she has.

I did this, sent an almost identical letter. She laughed at it. She had put out feelers saying she was unhappy with the new boy, that she missed this that and other about me. I held back for a couple of weeks to see if they split but no.

She actually told me she had just had sex and I ruined the after buzz, "her glow". I was crippled by heartbreak, howling and crying. It was honestly worse than holding my dying mum in my arms when she passed away.

The whole thing with these types is TOXIC. No way I should have felt that much pain over a lying, scheming, scary crazy b___. Honestly now I'm about 7 months no contact the pain has gone. I still think about her but I can easily shut it off and I mostly think "how could I have let that red flag slide" and that happened lots over the course of a year. I tried to get away after three weeks and it was just as tough and painful as after a year.

Just stay NC. Learn to detest her and then when you see her you'll just feel sick instead of sad. Eventually that goes too.

She replaced me with a young boxer from my old club, that she knew I was in training to go back to. Well I've been back last week and ran him out, hammered him in sparring and it felt good. She got to watch as she does the circuit training with the girls and kids.

Now I'm back on track I've won, but for at least 5 months I felt like the loser. Keep working on you and get her to hell out of your life. Read staying if you want to see what hell with her you would have if you kept her. BPD is bad stuff.
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« Reply #28 on: October 04, 2014, 04:49:40 PM »

I love Hall and Oates song Maneater. I always thought before BPDex "I could never imagine a woman being too much to handle". I thought I'd seen it all. The hook, the lure, it's so uncanny how we all have went through such similar crap. I've dated many girls in my life and had LTRs and am always on good terms with almost all of them. If we date and do not hit it off we sometimes remain friends, perhaps use each other for work etc (I'm a carpenter) I make friends and keep them. You are at the stage of self doubt and it will last a while but work on you and you will realise you've dodged a real bullet!
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« Reply #29 on: October 04, 2014, 05:03:05 PM »

Sometimes you have to send the letter to trully see for yourself

The pain in inbearable and it sends you right back into the fiery pits of despair.

As hard as it is to accept it is a pattern.  She creates roles for people to fill.  The role she has you in now sucks badly.  Any interaction with her only serves as confirmation of that role for you. 

The role she has for you is convenient bad guy and Smeagol. Pure toxicity.  She don't see you for who you are anymore and perhaps she never did. 

I'm sorry northern light

It hurts like nothing else.

Whatever happens keep posting if it helps you through this.

That part of her you loved so much she will give freely to someone else whether they derserve it or not whether they really appreciate her or not. 

It's a tragic pattern

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« Reply #30 on: October 04, 2014, 06:37:38 PM »

Once you get clear of loving her blim blam you will not feel the pain. It's going to get better, believe me I never thought it would but it does and it won't be too long just give up on her she's trash compared to you. No one who causes you such pain is worth a spec of your precious time.
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« Reply #31 on: October 05, 2014, 08:59:01 AM »

Thank you all for so much support any replies. She has split me black, so any contact from me will just convince her even more how horrible i am i guess. She will not see the light by a letter, i will not get the reply i wish from if i send one. She will not give me any closure, as she hasn't done so far. I will save the letter, and if she ever contacts me (looks at me white again) ill give it and then shut down all communication and hopefully get my closure then.

I am very glad i didn't send it, i would have regretted. So for everyone that wonders, i have stayed NC. Thanks again everyone 
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« Reply #32 on: October 05, 2014, 05:32:12 PM »

Thank you all for so much support any replies. She has split me black, so any contact from me will just convince her even more how horrible i am i guess. She will not see the light by a letter, i will not get the reply i wish from if i send one. She will not give me any closure, as she hasn't done so far. I will save the letter, and if she ever contacts me (looks at me white again) ill give it and then shut down all communication and hopefully get my closure then.

I am very glad i didn't send it, i would have regretted. So for everyone that wonders, i have stayed NC. Thanks again everyone 

No worries northern light

Sometimes we need to reach out to our exs to work out the what ifs.  In my experience they end in pain.
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« Reply #33 on: October 06, 2014, 02:34:25 PM »

Thank you all for so much support any replies. She has split me black, so any contact from me will just convince her even more how horrible i am i guess. She will not see the light by a letter, i will not get the reply i wish from if i send one. She will not give me any closure, as she hasn't done so far. I will save the letter, and if she ever contacts me (looks at me white again) ill give it and then shut down all communication and hopefully get my closure then.

I am very glad i didn't send it, i would have regretted. So for everyone that wonders, i have stayed NC. Thanks again everyone 

No worries northern light

Sometimes we need to reach out to our exs to work out the what ifs.  In my experience they end in pain.

I think we all experience that pain. If someone here had reached out and actually GOT WHAT THEY WANTED (like answers / closure) it would be the most seen thread in the forum. It doesn't happen. And when i reached out several times the days and weeks after being dumped, she was so ice cold no matter what i said, so why should it have changed now. Im glad i didn't, because now i remember how hurted i got when i tried reaching out this summer, and it ended in some much pain. Hope your doing better Blimblam
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« Reply #34 on: October 06, 2014, 08:47:52 PM »

Thank you all for so much support any replies. She has split me black, so any contact from me will just convince her even more how horrible i am i guess. She will not see the light by a letter, i will not get the reply i wish from if i send one. She will not give me any closure, as she hasn't done so far. I will save the letter, and if she ever contacts me (looks at me white again) ill give it and then shut down all communication and hopefully get my closure then.

I am very glad i didn't send it, i would have regretted. So for everyone that wonders, i have stayed NC. Thanks again everyone 

No worries northern light

Sometimes we need to reach out to our exs to work out the what ifs.  In my experience they end in pain.

I think we all experience that pain. If someone here had reached out and actually GOT WHAT THEY WANTED (like answers / closure) it would be the most seen thread in the forum. It doesn't happen. And when i reached out several times the days and weeks after being dumped, she was so ice cold no matter what i said, so why should it have changed now. Im glad i didn't, because now i remember how hurted i got when i tried reaching out this summer, and it ended in some much pain. Hope your doing better Blimblam

Thanks

I am in a lot better shape than I was a few months ago. To be honest I would say I am about where I would be 2 weeks out of a "normal" break up where I was dumped but not betrayed.

This was my second relationship with a pwBPD the first time absolutely wrecked me it took 2 years to recover. But this last one!  It nearly killed me and my mind fractured like humpy dumpty. Nothing ever came close to affecting me like this and I've been held at gunpoint and robbed at knifepoint before.
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« Reply #35 on: October 07, 2014, 07:06:55 AM »

Thank you all for so much support any replies. She has split me black, so any contact from me will just convince her even more how horrible i am i guess. She will not see the light by a letter, i will not get the reply i wish from if i send one. She will not give me any closure, as she hasn't done so far. I will save the letter, and if she ever contacts me (looks at me white again) ill give it and then shut down all communication and hopefully get my closure then.

I am very glad i didn't send it, i would have regretted. So for everyone that wonders, i have stayed NC. Thanks again everyone 

No worries northern light

Sometimes we need to reach out to our exs to work out the what ifs.  In my experience they end in pain.

I think we all experience that pain. If someone here had reached out and actually GOT WHAT THEY WANTED (like answers / closure) it would be the most seen thread in the forum. It doesn't happen. And when i reached out several times the days and weeks after being dumped, she was so ice cold no matter what i said, so why should it have changed now. Im glad i didn't, because now i remember how hurted i got when i tried reaching out this summer, and it ended in some much pain. Hope your doing better Blimblam

Thanks

I am in a lot better shape than I was a few months ago. To be honest I would say I am about where I would be 2 weeks out of a "normal" break up where I was dumped but not betrayed.

This was my second relationship with a pwBPD the first time absolutely wrecked me it took 2 years to recover. But this last one!  It nearly killed me and my mind fractured like humpy dumpty. Nothing ever came close to affecting me like this and I've been held at gunpoint and robbed at knifepoint before.

Whatever you feel now, it is at least better than it was a few months ago. and that means it will be even better in a few months, even tho you can't see the progress day by day!

i don't feel different than yesterday, and i have never thought "wow i don't have so much pain today as yesterday", but i can look back to this summer and think "wow i feel much less pain NOW than this summer". so its slowly (very slowly) getting better.
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« Reply #36 on: October 12, 2014, 01:44:53 PM »

A little update , had to tell somebody, so thought i could post it here to clear my mind.



Today is my birthday, and I have been feeling sh1t all day. I have had very strong "storms" of emotions inside of me, mostly bad emotions, its like a button that has been pushed to release intense emotions.

Maybe its because my exBPD always had to congratulate one of her exBF at his birthday every year, which i found strange since he was such an "evil person". She was always reaching out to him once in a while, to keep him interested, and it made me jealous because i never understood why she kept calling him on Skype and chatting with him. Anyway, i have been her longest RS (2 yrs), we were living together through the whole time, i was supporting her through the hardest time of her life (depression, anxiety, meds, 3 therapists), and she knows its my birthday, but she doesn't send me a message. I have heard from her at all since this summer. Its so hurtful and i knew this day would hurt extra badly.

And maybe its because for my last few birthdays, she was with me, and this birthday was NOTHING like i thought it would be for the last 2 years - i thought each birthday for the rest of my life would be with her on my side. So having a hard time facing reality, that this birthday I'm dumped and thrown away, and replaced and haven't heard from her since, like i meant nothing to her.

Thx for letting me vent here Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2014, 02:01:44 PM »

Happy Birthday. Hearing from her would just rekindle hope, wouldn't it? Like taking another hit of what you're working on withdrawing from? Like being clobbered by it? Birthdays remind us of how we felt when we were children. Respect that about yourself and help keep that child out of harm's way today.
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« Reply #38 on: October 12, 2014, 02:42:20 PM »

Happy Birthday. Hearing from her would just rekindle hope, wouldn't it? Like taking another hit of what you're working on withdrawing from? Like being clobbered by it? Birthdays remind us of how we felt when we were children. Respect that about yourself and help keep that child out of harm's way today.

Thanks mate. Yes i guess. it would probartly give me hope. I am just so confused, how easy she got rid of me and i never hear from her, even when its my b-day, while her idiot ex that cheated on her and they were in much shorter rs, she still has contact with. why why why, i was so nice to her, i am so emotional sorry haha, just want this day to be over and at least i know i won't be in this much pain next bday :P
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« Reply #39 on: October 12, 2014, 02:49:36 PM »

Happy birthday Northlight! Sorry you feel so bad today... .In the end you're better iff this way. Next year on your birthday you'll look back in this day and feel so much better! Keep your head up! There's light at the end of the tunnel! Keep focussing on that!

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« Reply #40 on: October 12, 2014, 03:53:51 PM »

Happy birthday Northlight! Sorry you feel so bad today... .In the end you're better iff this way. Next year on your birthday you'll look back in this day and feel so much better! Keep your head up! There's light at the end of the tunnel! Keep focussing on that!

thank you so much Smiling (click to insert in post) i hope so, but its so easy that emotions takes over the mind, and this day is really very much how i was afraid it would be like, its just so sick that she isn't contacting me and asks how i am today when i took care of her and was her soulmate for 2yrs and then dumps me. where is her hearth, and her empathy. its so sad, i don't know why i crave her to contact me, i just don't understand how she can go totally NC from being with each other 23 hours a day.
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« Reply #41 on: October 12, 2014, 05:22:12 PM »

Happy birthday Northlight! Sorry you feel so bad today... .In the end you're better iff this way. Next year on your birthday you'll look back in this day and feel so much better! Keep your head up! There's light at the end of the tunnel! Keep focussing on that!

thank you so much Smiling (click to insert in post) i hope so, but its so easy that emotions takes over the mind, and this day is really very much how i was afraid it would be like, its just so sick that she isn't contacting me and asks how i am today when i took care of her and was her soulmate for 2yrs and then dumps me. where is her hearth, and her empathy. its so sad, i don't know why i crave her to contact me, i just don't understand how she can go totally NC from being with each other 23 hours a day.

Happy Birthday. I can relate, my birthday was a month ago and not a word from her. I have to keep reminding myself that she has a illness and its not me, its her.
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« Reply #42 on: October 12, 2014, 06:00:39 PM »

Happy Birthday Northlight!

I am in the same boat as you. She just went 100% NC after such an intense r/s. The whole enchilada "you're the one I've waited my whole life for" "soulmate" "We're home now"

I have a theory that the ones that they do stay in touch with don't mean that much to them in the grand scheme of things. The ones they go NC on are the ones that touched them deeply, but for them, finding such a connection, scares the crap out of them because they know that we are out of their league, they cannot function in a real relationship and they know that. They know that they cannot return the love. I loved as deeply as I knew how but I now know that she was not worthy of my love.

We are the ones able to love and that is no small thing, they don't know love, they know infatuation and projection, real love is about giving. They are unable to give, only take. Thankfully there are many mentally healthy women out there that would kill for our love.

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« Reply #43 on: October 12, 2014, 06:06:49 PM »

Same here guys. Mine is today also and i have been on pins and needles, afraid she would make contact and afraid i would fall. I skipped her birthday as i didnt want the pain. But, of course she could give 2 S**ts because she has a new guy now and i never mattered. Even though i got her through a divorce, a death, money issues, an autistic son, encouraged her to return to coaching and i dont exist because im replaced now. Im just worthless to her.
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« Reply #44 on: October 12, 2014, 07:25:17 PM »

Thank you all for so much support any replies. She has split me black, so any contact from me will just convince her even more how horrible i am i guess. She will not see the light by a letter, i will not get the reply i wish from if i send one. She will not give me any closure, as she hasn't done so far. I will save the letter, and if she ever contacts me (looks at me white again) ill give it and then shut down all communication and hopefully get my closure then.

I am very glad i didn't send it, i would have regretted. So for everyone that wonders, i have stayed NC. Thanks again everyone 

No worries northern light

Sometimes we need to reach out to our exs to work out the what ifs.  In my experience they end in pain.

I think we all experience that pain. If someone here had reached out and actually GOT WHAT THEY WANTED (like answers / closure) it would be the most seen thread in the forum. It doesn't happen. And when i reached out several times the days and weeks after being dumped, she was so ice cold no matter what i said, so why should it have changed now. Im glad i didn't, because now i remember how hurted i got when i tried reaching out this summer, and it ended in some much pain. Hope your doing better Blimblam

I am adding in on this thread a little late but in reading your original post to this thread and your beautiful words in your letter, Nothernlight, tears came to my eyes. 

Not only could I have written that very same letter. I did.  I delivered those very words in person to my expBPD, those very same words coming from my soft heart as he sat beside me listening to me speak. As I went to him, not the other way around, drove miles, warmly approached him. Asked how he was, listened to his one sided list of how he was never asking how I was, while I sat in gentle compassionate listening.   I then asked that he listen as I spoke the same words in your letter to him.  Asking for nothing more than a degree of understanding of what had happened in response.  I asked this for my heart to heal, to try to understand, so I could get to a better place.

It was one of those so very real moments of the heart that you don't want to cry, but the tears just seep out of your eyes, emotions that come up from the heart,  as mine did, as I said " I want what's best for you as I always have. Please just tell me what to do with all of these feelings, of love. Of all that was us."  The tears just streaming as I spoke, as I tried to blink them back. 

His reaction: He was full of satisfaction that I went to this degree for him.  Projections. A plan to meet me the next day.  He never showed up. 

I'm glad you did not send your letter Northern. You echo my continual mantra above. If I had read ONE incident of going back for more as a positive outcome on this site, I would have taken the odds that I could have made two and gone back again and again. I haven't read one experience as such here.

Hard truths.

 
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« Reply #45 on: October 13, 2014, 07:05:29 AM »

Thanks peiper! very true.

Baule, thanks for the reply Smiling (click to insert in post) Its very hard to figure out, and even tho you have a good theory, my exBPD had several exBFs that she had dumped and NC, and they were not in a rs for very long, and were really "douchebags" (no idea if they actually were, but she seemed happy having NC with them). So with her other exes she had split them black and was so glad they were out of her life.

So what I'm sad about, is that I am split black (even tho i was her longest and most serious rs) and she is just really glad that I'm out of her life, and I must have been (in her head now) the reason for all her depression / anxiety etc. And i don't deserve that, i don't deserve dumped, ST (even on my birthday), and threated like her other exBFs she said was so evil to her, when i know for a fact i was only good.

Congratulations back Deeno02. You was afraid she would contact you because you would feel pain? Maybe, i have heard about it, since she has never contacted me since the summer she dumped me i wouldn't know that pain, i would just feel like she cares, so i hoped for an email, but nothing... .
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« Reply #46 on: October 13, 2014, 07:14:22 AM »

I am adding in on this thread a little late but in reading your original post to this thread and your beautiful words in your letter, Nothernlight, tears came to my eyes. 

Not only could I have written that very same letter. I did.  I delivered those very words in person to my expBPD, those very same words coming from my soft heart as he sat beside me listening to me speak. As I went to him, not the other way around, drove miles, warmly approached him. Asked how he was, listened to his one sided list of how he was never asking how I was, while I sat in gentle compassionate listening.   I then asked that he listen as I spoke the same words in your letter to him.  Asking for nothing more than a degree of understanding of what had happened in response.  I asked this for my heart to heal, to try to understand, so I could get to a better place.

It was one of those so very real moments of the heart that you don't want to cry, but the tears just seep out of your eyes, emotions that come up from the heart,  as mine did, as I said " I want what's best for you as I always have. Please just tell me what to do with all of these feelings, of love. Of all that was us."  The tears just streaming as I spoke, as I tried to blink them back. 

His reaction: He was full of satisfaction that I went to this degree for him.  Projections. A plan to meet me the next day.  He never showed up. 

I'm glad you did not send your letter Northern. You echo my continual mantra above. If I had read ONE incident of going back for more as a positive outcome on this site, I would have taken the odds that I could have made two and gone back again and again. I haven't read one experience as such here.

Hard truths.

 

Thank you very much for making me believe i did the right choice. Thats a hard story, and its sad, but the outcome of your story is sadly that its similar to most of the stories here on this forum. They don't give us the closure or respect that we deserve, they only have one person in their life they care about, and that is themselves. And when on of "us" on this forum tries to reach out, because the pain we are in, the pwBPD do not heal us, they just cause more pain.

They don't have any room for respect, moral or empathy for anybody else - as long as they don't need you! If they need you they can show respect and empathy, till the day they suddenly dumps you and jumps on a new victim and you see the true identity they have hidden.

I am glad i didn't send the letter, but as of my strong emotions last night, i still feel like reaching out to her, because I feel she doesn't deserve to live this way - To just throw other people out of her life and break their hearths while she goes on a new "honey moon", i wish to stop it, because this NC is working very well for her being in a new RS, and not so well for me being all alone and depressed, so its unfair!
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« Reply #47 on: October 13, 2014, 07:39:03 AM »

Baule, thanks for the reply Smiling (click to insert in post) Its very hard to figure out, and even tho you have a good theory, my exBPD had several exBFs that she had dumped and NC, and they were not in a rs for very long, and were really "douchebags" (no idea if they actually were, but she seemed happy having NC with them). So with her other exes she had split them black and was so glad they were out of her life.

So what I'm sad about, is that I am split black (even tho i was her longest and most serious rs) and she is just really glad that I'm out of her life, and I must have been (in her head now) the reason for all her depression / anxiety etc. And i don't deserve that, i don't deserve dumped, ST (even on my birthday), and threated like her other exBFs she said was so evil to her, when i know for a fact i was only good.

My uxBPD was the same way. Most of her prior relationships lasted less than 4 months and she has NC with them. I used to be kind of proud that I made it longer than the prior guys. I thought that she was just dating jerks. However, since all of this has happened to me I have done some research into her prior relationships. Come to find out that there have only been 2-3 actual relationships in the past 10 years and those only lasted 4 months or less. All the rest of the guys that she's been with have been sex buddies that she has hidden from her family and everyone else. She got pregnant by a married guy and no one even knew that she was seeing anyone at the time. From all accounts, the few guys that she had relationships with were pretty good guys. No one but her really knows why those relationships failed. So now I'm on her list of "failures" and she'll never contact me again, just like the ones before me.

All of the information that I found out indicates that my uxBPDgf isn't very successful with relationships. Sure she can get attention from guys and get laid. But as far as a long term type relationships, I don't see it. I could be wrong though, she was with me for 3 years. Why did I last so long? That's the question that I have to ponder.
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« Reply #48 on: October 13, 2014, 12:40:18 PM »

Baule, thanks for the reply Smiling (click to insert in post) Its very hard to figure out, and even tho you have a good theory, my exBPD had several exBFs that she had dumped and NC, and they were not in a rs for very long, and were really "douchebags" (no idea if they actually were, but she seemed happy having NC with them). So with her other exes she had split them black and was so glad they were out of her life.

So what I'm sad about, is that I am split black (even tho i was her longest and most serious rs) and she is just really glad that I'm out of her life, and I must have been (in her head now) the reason for all her depression / anxiety etc. And i don't deserve that, i don't deserve dumped, ST (even on my birthday), and threated like her other exBFs she said was so evil to her, when i know for a fact i was only good.

My uxBPD was the same way. Most of her prior relationships lasted less than 4 months and she has NC with them. I used to be kind of proud that I made it longer than the prior guys. I thought that she was just dating jerks. However, since all of this has happened to me I have done some research into her prior relationships. Come to find out that there have only been 2-3 actual relationships in the past 10 years and those only lasted 4 months or less. All the rest of the guys that she's been with have been sex buddies that she has hidden from her family and everyone else. She got pregnant by a married guy and no one even knew that she was seeing anyone at the time. From all accounts, the few guys that she had relationships with were pretty good guys. No one but her really knows why those relationships failed. So now I'm on her list of "failures" and she'll never contact me again, just like the ones before me.

All of the information that I found out indicates that my uxBPDgf isn't very successful with relationships. Sure she can get attention from guys and get laid. But as far as a long term type relationships, I don't see it. I could be wrong though, she was with me for 3 years. Why did I last so long? That's the question that I have to ponder.

Wow you was with her for so long compared to her exes then, i understand that you have that question of why it lasted so long. As for you too i guess, it was very convincing during the RS that I was "special" because we were in a RS for so much longer than her preview RSs, so i honestly believed they were a-holes, and i was special and "meant to be".

But she threw me away as easily as the other exBFs. So i don't get it, how easy it is for them to throw us away and start all over again with a new guy the next day. This was best friend and the girl i trusted most on this earth for only 3 months ago - Now she is giving me ST on my b-day, when i never ever was mean / cheated etc ? Sick  PD traits The only way this makes sense, is to think that our exBPDs is as mature as a 3 year old girl emotionally.
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« Reply #49 on: October 13, 2014, 02:15:23 PM »

Baule, thanks for the reply Smiling (click to insert in post) Its very hard to figure out, and even tho you have a good theory, my exBPD had several exBFs that she had dumped and NC, and they were not in a rs for very long, and were really "douchebags" (no idea if they actually were, but she seemed happy having NC with them). So with her other exes she had split them black and was so glad they were out of her life.

So what I'm sad about, is that I am split black (even tho i was her longest and most serious rs) and she is just really glad that I'm out of her life, and I must have been (in her head now) the reason for all her depression / anxiety etc. And i don't deserve that, i don't deserve dumped, ST (even on my birthday), and threated like her other exBFs she said was so evil to her, when i know for a fact i was only good.

My uxBPD was the same way. Most of her prior relationships lasted less than 4 months and she has NC with them. I used to be kind of proud that I made it longer than the prior guys. I thought that she was just dating jerks. However, since all of this has happened to me I have done some research into her prior relationships. Come to find out that there have only been 2-3 actual relationships in the past 10 years and those only lasted 4 months or less. All the rest of the guys that she's been with have been sex buddies that she has hidden from her family and everyone else. She got pregnant by a married guy and no one even knew that she was seeing anyone at the time. From all accounts, the few guys that she had relationships with were pretty good guys. No one but her really knows why those relationships failed. So now I'm on her list of "failures" and she'll never contact me again, just like the ones before me.

All of the information that I found out indicates that my uxBPDgf isn't very successful with relationships. Sure she can get attention from guys and get laid. But as far as a long term type relationships, I don't see it. I could be wrong though, she was with me for 3 years. Why did I last so long? That's the question that I have to ponder.

Wow you was with her for so long compared to her exes then, i understand that you have that question of why it lasted so long. As for you too i guess, it was very convincing during the RS that I was "special" because we were in a RS for so much longer than her preview RSs, so i honestly believed they were a-holes, and i was special and "meant to be".

But she threw me away as easily as the other exBFs. So i don't get it, how easy it is for them to throw us away and start all over again with a new guy the next day. This was best friend and the girl i trusted most on this earth for only 3 months ago - Now she is giving me ST on my b-day, when i never ever was mean / cheated etc ? Sick  PD traits The only way this makes sense, is to think that our exBPDs is as mature as a 3 year old girl emotionally.

Bdays... .yeah... .this year mine sucked immeasurably.  It was right before I left to move over a thousand miles away... .we were spending that last week more or less together except for her disappearing acts. Two days before my bday in Aug we were having sex in her apt... .the one I paid for over a year ago and supplemented her rent dozens of times... .anyway... .she bit my lip on purpose so hard it drew blood... it wasn't a lovey dovey thing it was an aggressive act to hurt, done out of some anger in her head... .perhaps who knows why... . we were in the middle of things and played it out... .but I was bleeding heavily and went to the bathroom to see... . My lip was so bad I almost needed stitches... .I was so freaking pissed I actually left. She called me a couple of times but not to apologize but to blame me for having sex with her when she really didnt want to or some insane thing. Then she ignored me the next two days... .one of them being my birthday... .I CALLED her many times just to be ignored, so I gave up. Then that last weekend she asked for rent money! And sex bombed me until I left... .then the next day while I was driving... .she said she loved me now that I WAS GONE.   But that was two months ago and there was more drama the next time I saw her in Sept.  We are now totally done... .again.  :)ONT EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE USED AND RECYCLED.
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« Reply #50 on: October 13, 2014, 02:38:33 PM »

Print the letter out and burn it.  Imagine your painful feelings burning up with it and floating away with the smoke.  You might find it healing. 
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« Reply #51 on: October 13, 2014, 03:00:15 PM »

Bdays... .yeah... .this year mine sucked immeasurably.  It was right before I left to move over a thousand miles away... .we were spending that last week more or less together except for her disappearing acts. Two days before my bday in Aug we were having sex in her apt... .the one I paid for over a year ago and supplemented her rent dozens of times... .anyway... .she bit my lip on purpose so hard it drew blood... it wasn't a lovey dovey thing it was an aggressive act to hurt, done out of some anger in her head... .perhaps who knows why... . we were in the middle of things and played it out... .but I was bleeding heavily and went to the bathroom to see... . My lip was so bad I almost needed stitches... .I was so freaking pissed I actually left. She called me a couple of times but not to apologize but to blame me for having sex with her when she really didnt want to or some insane thing. Then she ignored me the next two days... .one of them being my birthday... .I CALLED her many times just to be ignored, so I gave up. Then that last weekend she asked for rent money! And sex bombed me until I left... .then the next day while I was driving... .she said she loved me now that I WAS GONE.   But that was two months ago and there was more drama the next time I saw her in Sept.  We are now totally done... .again.  :)ONT EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE USED AND RECYCLED.

Wow thats hard. That is not human to ST somebody on their b-day. It is so mean. Sorry to hear man.

I can't imagine been recycled as she NC from the day she moved out, and was right into a new RS. I don't think ill ever hear from her. She was going full NC with all her exes (but they were only in rs for some months each while i was 2 yrs, so i don't know). I hope she contacts me, just so i can feel that i meant something to her, so i can get my closure.

Print the letter out and burn it.  Imagine your painful feelings burning up with it and floating away with the smoke.  You might find it healing. 

Thank you, I have heard it a couple of times, to make notes and then burn it / throw it in the trash. But I'm actually not having the pain that i need to send it now, i have hopefully healed from THAT pain Smiling (click to insert in post) the letter is from some weeks back, i just updated to vent about my b-day and didn't bother making new topic
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« Reply #52 on: October 13, 2014, 04:04:37 PM »

Belated Happy Birthday Northern Light.

Yes, it's hard when they throw you away, like you were nothing.  But you are not, and do not let them of all people, (even though you might have worshiped her for many other reasons) make you feel like that ever.

You are dealing with a person who has many bad issues and can not control their emotions.  It';s not  that you can't be loved, an cherished.  You can, and you must know that somewhere, and I know, you wanted it to be her, so much for how she would adore you, treat you at times, but that's part of the sickness too.  It's not real, it what she does and needs that counts, and that's always, even when they seem kind, it's all about them.  But we get so confused with those messages because for the most part we are normal, we could and wouldn't do that.  They can, because they are unhappy inside, and pulling you in, puts that bandaid on, but once the bandaid comes off, and it will, there is nothing you can do, then they turn to the other side (who they really are, and you see and they don't like it and then you are not needed, because she has no need for you.

It was never about love.  I know it seems harsh, because we want a return to that, but she , they are so incapable to sustain that for any lenght of time.  I know, it hurts, and mine came back many times , and it didn't last, and maybe, I may not feel like that again, who's knows, it was so unreal, both the good, and the horrible bad, but you can't live there.  It's like somone said, it will kill and drain you emotionally and physically.   There are wonderful and atrractive girls out there.  Yes, when you get over this you emotions will be put back to a more normal mode.  Right now, though, you are on heroin.  It's tough to break, it feels good for awhile, but it will kill you, and you are worth so much more, and deserve so much more.  

Destroy the pictures, quit going on her site, and feeling sad.  I don't care what she thinks or not, it's now about YOU.  Block her on facebook, email, and phone.  :)O this all, not to be mean, not to punish.  :)O this so your heart heals, so you mind can think, so you can become you again.  Please!
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« Reply #53 on: October 14, 2014, 06:01:39 AM »

Belated Happy Birthday Northern Light.

Yes, it's hard when they throw you away, like you were nothing.  But you are not, and do not let them of all people, (even though you might have worshiped her for many other reasons) make you feel like that ever.

You are dealing with a person who has many bad issues and can not control their emotions.  It';s not  that you can't be loved, an cherished.  You can, and you must know that somewhere, and I know, you wanted it to be her, so much for how she would adore you, treat you at times, but that's part of the sickness too.  It's not real, it what she does and needs that counts, and that's always, even when they seem kind, it's all about them.  But we get so confused with those messages because for the most part we are normal, we could and wouldn't do that.  They can, because they are unhappy inside, and pulling you in, puts that bandaid on, but once the bandaid comes off, and it will, there is nothing you can do, then they turn to the other side (who they really are, and you see and they don't like it and then you are not needed, because she has no need for you.

It was never about love.  I know it seems harsh, because we want a return to that, but she , they are so incapable to sustain that for any lenght of time.  I know, it hurts, and mine came back many times , and it didn't last, and maybe, I may not feel like that again, who's knows, it was so unreal, both the good, and the horrible bad, but you can't live there.  It's like somone said, it will kill and drain you emotionally and physically.   There are wonderful and atrractive girls out there.  Yes, when you get over this you emotions will be put back to a more normal mode.  Right now, though, you are on heroin.  It's tough to break, it feels good for awhile, but it will kill you, and you are worth so much more, and deserve so much more.  

Destroy the pictures, quit going on her site, and feeling sad.  I don't care what she thinks or not, it's now about YOU.  Block her on facebook, email, and phone.  :)O this all, not to be mean, not to punish.  :)O this so your heart heals, so you mind can think, so you can become you again.  Please!

Thanks for the message my friend. I try, really hard, to let my heart heal, by never ever looking at her profile / pictures / old messages (the only time i ever checked her FB after she dumped me, i saw she was in a new rs and it broke my heart all over again). So i stay away. But it doesn't seem to help at some days. But its true, and ill give it more time - its addiction. i heard one guy say it takes one week for every month you were in RS to get over ex. So that gives me hope, because i haven't reached so many weeks yet, I'm at 14 weeks now i think. Thanks again Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #54 on: October 14, 2014, 07:55:08 PM »

Belated Happy Birthday Northern Light.

Yes, it's hard when they throw you away, like you were nothing.  But you are not, and do not let them of all people, (even though you might have worshiped her for many other reasons) make you feel like that ever.

You are dealing with a person who has many bad issues and can not control their emotions.  It';s not  that you can't be loved, an cherished.  You can, and you must know that somewhere, and I know, you wanted it to be her, so much for how she would adore you, treat you at times, but that's part of the sickness too.  It's not real, it what she does and needs that counts, and that's always, even when they seem kind, it's all about them.  But we get so confused with those messages because for the most part we are normal, we could and wouldn't do that.  They can, because they are unhappy inside, and pulling you in, puts that bandaid on, but once the bandaid comes off, and it will, there is nothing you can do, then they turn to the other side (who they really are, and you see and they don't like it and then you are not needed, because she has no need for you.

It was never about love.  I know it seems harsh, because we want a return to that, but she , they are so incapable to sustain that for any lenght of time.  I know, it hurts, and mine came back many times , and it didn't last, and maybe, I may not feel like that again, who's knows, it was so unreal, both the good, and the horrible bad, but you can't live there.  It's like somone said, it will kill and drain you emotionally and physically.   There are wonderful and atrractive girls out there.  Yes, when you get over this you emotions will be put back to a more normal mode.  Right now, though, you are on heroin.  It's tough to break, it feels good for awhile, but it will kill you, and you are worth so much more, and deserve so much more.  

Destroy the pictures, quit going on her site, and feeling sad.  I don't care what she thinks or not, it's now about YOU.  Block her on facebook, email, and phone.  :)O this all, not to be mean, not to punish.  :)O this so your heart heals, so you mind can think, so you can become you again.  Please!

Thanks for the message my friend. I try, really hard, to let my heart heal, by never ever looking at her profile / pictures / old messages (the only time i ever checked her FB after she dumped me, i saw she was in a new rs and it broke my heart all over again). So i stay away. But it doesn't seem to help at some days. But its true, and ill give it more time - its addiction. i heard one guy say it takes one week for every month you were in RS to get over ex. So that gives me hope, because i haven't reached so many weeks yet, I'm at 14 weeks now i think. Thanks again Smiling (click to insert in post)

In all honesty double that number when you have allowed yourself to be infected emotionally and physically by a borderline, narcissist girl... .  think of it as post traumatic stress disorder and near critical heroin addiction. Withdrawal is just as grueling if not more so because the object of your addiction is choosing to discard you while drugs sit right there waiting for your return... .both horrible. 
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« Reply #55 on: October 14, 2014, 08:07:07 PM »

Bdays... .yeah... .this year mine sucked immeasurably.  It was right before I left to move over a thousand miles away... .we were spending that last week more or less together except for her disappearing acts. Two days before my bday in Aug we were having sex in her apt... .the one I paid for over a year ago and supplemented her rent dozens of times... .anyway... .she bit my lip on purpose so hard it drew blood... it wasn't a lovey dovey thing it was an aggressive act to hurt, done out of some anger in her head... .perhaps who knows why... . we were in the middle of things and played it out... .but I was bleeding heavily and went to the bathroom to see... . My lip was so bad I almost needed stitches... .I was so freaking pissed I actually left. She called me a couple of times but not to apologize but to blame me for having sex with her when she really didnt want to or some insane thing. Then she ignored me the next two days... .one of them being my birthday... .I CALLED her many times just to be ignored, so I gave up. Then that last weekend she asked for rent money! And sex bombed me until I left... .then the next day while I was driving... .she said she loved me now that I WAS GONE.   But that was two months ago and there was more drama the next time I saw her in Sept.  We are now totally done... .again.  :)ONT EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE USED AND RECYCLED.

a bit off topic, but the last time i kissed my ex, he aggressively bit my lip and drew blood. to make matters worse, the next day, i had two huge blood blisters on my lower lip. it was so hurtful - the act, as well as his intent. i wish i understood why.
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« Reply #56 on: October 14, 2014, 08:51:43 PM »

Hi Northlight,

Happy belated Birthday 

Several people mentioned keeping a journal earlier in this thread, you might try that if you're not already.  I have found it a great place to put all those thoughts spinning around in my head.  I can put the thoughts on paper know they are there and that I can go back to them when I want.  Because I have written them down I find I am not ruminating as much.  Sometimes the act of writing something down will trigger another way of thinking about it, give you an idea or if time as passed since you wrote it you can re-examine what you wrote with fresh eyes.

Hope your hanging in there.

Panda
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« Reply #57 on: October 14, 2014, 08:58:03 PM »

I've just started NC, I'm on day 2. Honestly, the truth is we were abandoned, and in the relationship we picked up all their bad habits - in varying degrees. So they make us feel how they feel. But we will recover, they never will. I try my best not to take it to heart, but I do, we all do. When they say they love our replacements - well, they mean it as much as they meant it when they said it to us. We try to empathise with them, we put ourselves in their shoes and ask "how could she/he do this to me", because we know that we wouldn't do that. But shes not you, shes not me. A BPD lives in a reality that we can't comprehend, they're psychotic, they draw us in to try and save them, but realise that we cant, so they move on and look for another Prince Charming. The idealization is the excitement at finally finding their hero, the devaluation is the realisation that nothings going to change, and the discard is when they move on.

We're like cardboard cut-outs, we're not real to them, the only real person is them and everything around them is a fantasy world, filled with demons and monsters, princes and princesses. We've all (especially the men) encountered this, the way they speak and act in private when they're bearing their soul.

Thats why we become such white-knights, we get drawn into their delusions, we take on the role but we're real people with real emotions, hurts, wants and desires and eventually their fantasy is going to crack and they then throw every bit of baggage they can on us and then run for the hills. All we can do is take a deep breath, realise that there's NOTHING we can do, move on and grow out of our nice guy mentality.
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