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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: "I can turn my feelings off" she said  (Read 753 times)
vortex of confusion
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #30 on: October 30, 2014, 12:01:44 AM »

Did you explain why you were done or did you just say you were done. I only ask because just like we don't understand our ex's words or actions. They also may not understand our words or actions. Even though I didn't know about BPD at the time. Since she would always jump to conclusions or try to read for hidden meanings and get pissed off, I always tried to explain myself to my ex, just so she would understand. It rarely worked. But when I look back, I just wish she tried to make me understand her as much as I tried to make her understand me. It seems neither of us understood each other. I think that's a big issue between nons and BPD, disorderd vs logical thinking.

In the context of the conversation, I thought it was pretty clear what I meant. He won't commit to the relationship but he likes to ask me where we stand and put it all on me so he doesn't have to think or feel about anything. But, he doesn't listen to what I say half the time anyway so I doubt that he is taking my words seriously. I think the only way that he is going to understand that I am done is if I turn into a mega-beast. Otherwise, he is just going to go on acting like nothing is wrong and I never said a word. Not only does he turn off his feelings but it seems that he has turned off reality as well.
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ziniztar
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Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
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« Reply #31 on: October 30, 2014, 03:12:11 AM »

In the context of the conversation, I thought it was pretty clear what I meant. He won't commit to the relationship but he likes to ask me where we stand and put it all on me so he doesn't have to think or feel about anything.

... .

I think the only way that he is going to understand that I am done is if I turn into a mega-beast.

Vortex, perhaps you should read the below article. It speaks of how subtle emotional downlplay can work, aimed at making you feel insecure, throwing you off.

www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

I don't think that acting as a beast is a way to go. Then you'll get a reaction yes, but not one you'll like. Or you will like it, but it's still a reaction on your behaviour. Anger is a form of connection and bonding, too. Indifference is what hurts the most. So if you really want to be clear you want to leave and you're done, you say in a calm way: "I'm done with this relationship. I am packing my things." and do it. Be calm and centered, make sure that's your choice. That's when it will hit him.
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Dutched
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« Reply #32 on: October 30, 2014, 04:53:55 AM »

Feelings ON - Feelings OFF switch, like this?

I love you – I hate you

I leave you – be there for me

Hold me tight – but don’t touch me

Leave me alone – don’t ignore me

Come close, I need you – keep your distance

Understand my needs  -   you never understand me

I posted this before, written by a pwBPD, the Switch of feelings ON  -  feelings OFF

. 

“we” sincerely love you and “hate” you as you are then perceived not to be trustworthy.

“we” however love you still… and have a deeply hope you reach out, “we” can’t .

The more you reach out, the more “we” feel you care, the more “we” get frightened.

But hate is care, it is not indifference

In order to avoid all that pain, “we” m u s t cut you out, as the pain of losing the one “we” love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on….



Switch emotions of… the core was not completed, so there is no healthy way to process the feelings of losing a loved one, to grieve. Just not to process as we do.

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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
vortex of confusion
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« Reply #33 on: October 30, 2014, 08:39:37 AM »

So if you really want to be clear you want to leave and you're done, you say in a calm way: "I'm done with this relationship. I am packing my things." and do it. Be calm and centered, make sure that's your choice. That's when it will hit him.

It's not that easy in my situation. We have four kids and 18 years worth of stuff to split up. Everything is shared. All of the shared stuff is going to have to be separated and untangled and I have to make sure that I am able to care for my kids.

I know him well enough to know that it likely won't even hit him then. It is like he is completely devoid of emotions, unless it is anger. And even with his anger, it is like he has a switch that can be flipped.

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ziniztar
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Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #34 on: October 30, 2014, 09:03:29 AM »

I know, the situation is a lot more complicated than mine... but it helps to know that threatening to leave will not help. It won't help you feel better (because you feel bad for not following through) and it won't help him either.

But even if he hits the switch and it doesn't hurt him by that time. Is that what you want to stay, with?

I know there are a lot of good Lessons here at the Leaving board on custody and financial stuff. I would recommend you to check that, it will help...  
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BlackandBlue
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« Reply #35 on: October 30, 2014, 11:32:02 AM »

Lots of good reading here, thanks you all for replying to my post. I've learned so much from these forums.
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ziniztar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #36 on: October 30, 2014, 12:03:42 PM »

It's not that easy in my situation. We have four kids and 18 years worth of stuff to split up. Everything is shared. All of the shared stuff is going to have to be separated and untangled and I have to make sure that I am able to care for my kids.

On a sidenote: it defnitely isn't easy and it's why I recommended the lessons at Leaving. Then again: this also sounds like fear, for whatever the hell is coming if you really would end it.

Have you ever made a changing decision in your life "on intuition"? Where you knew you had to do it regardless of the consequences or the work it would take to follow through? This is the same. When you hit that point, you'll follow through regardless of the paperwork and hassle afterwards.

I made a decision to move once. I was in Canada for a semester and was subletting a room, for 4 months. But the guy lied about the appartment, it wasn't making me happy (read: I felt miserable, depressed and lonely to the bone), he was creeping around the house when we were taking showers and was controlling. I felt obligated to stay there because I had promised him to pay for 4 months. But when I heard about a room that was opening up in a house with some of my friends, I said "I'm going to do it" no matter what. I know this sounds like a minor and small thing, but I just knew that that was what would make me feel better. It was good for me. I had to talk to the guy about the rent, could get into legal trouble, could get into financial troubles, but I knew I would find a way because I was so motivated because this was good for ME. Once you see that, if you get there, the consequences won't matter. You'll have faith you'll be able to manage whatever will cross your path.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #37 on: October 30, 2014, 12:23:15 PM »

On a sidenote: it defnitely isn't easy and it's why I recommended the lessons at Leaving. Then again: this also sounds like fear, for whatever the hell is coming if you really would end it.

I have been reading through all of the lessons on all of the different boards. Fear is a very normal reaction. Yes, there is some fear. Most of it has to do with me being very practical and rational.

Excerpt
Have you ever made a changing decision in your life "on intuition"? Where you knew you had to do it regardless of the consequences or the work it would take to follow through? This is the same. When you hit that point, you'll follow through regardless of the paperwork and hassle afterwards.

Yes, I have made quite a few decisions like that in my life. Are you a parent? How long has your longest relationship been? I know what I am doing. I have friends that have been in long relationships with kids involved. They have all advised me to get my affairs in order (mental, financial, etc) so that I can leave. This stuff doesn't happen over night. It would be really nice if I could just pack up and leave. I can't do that. It isn't because of fear. It is a matter of practicality. I have weighed the pros and cons of different paths. Right now, the best path is to detach emotionally and lay the groundwork for leaving.

I have one daughter that has extreme anxiety and another one that can't handle any sort of change in routine. Her dad coming home from work early one time sent her into a panic because she wasn't expecting it. I have to get myself stronger and my kids stronger. I am working on that. I have to make sure that my kids are in a place where I think they can handle it without being sent into a major meltdown. And I need to be prepared to handle the fall out. I know how rough it is going to be. Right now, I am not emotionally strong enough to handle what it will take to leave with the kids.

I can't turn off my feelings and I cannot turn of my ability to be logical and rational.
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