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Author Topic: Will he contact me? Do they come back?  (Read 7771 times)
Deeno02
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« Reply #30 on: November 04, 2014, 09:38:47 AM »

He'll talk if I text him. But it's always pointless. So, I stopped. After that enraged phone call, I promised myself I wouldn't contact him again. I didn't deserve any of that. I wasn't yelling or screaming.

I'd love to talk,but I'm painted black currently and every attempt I make just pushes him further away.

Mines still need knee in the idealation phase of the replacement and how he rescued her from bad old me... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Im still on guard though... .

The only person you can control right now is you, and you deserve to be happy and to heal from this ordeal.  I think you have a good handle on things, even better than just yesterday.  Stay strong!

40 freaking Days NC... .7 weeks after B/U... .

My ex contacted me drunk on Sunday twice by phone and texted.  I ignored, but it doesn't feel like NC as it triggered more emotional crap.  40 days is awesome!

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lovethebeach
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« Reply #31 on: November 04, 2014, 09:58:48 AM »

Oh my god!

Congrats on the 40 days! Stay strong!

I think if we even have a shot at anything down the line (which I'm not sure I want at this point in time) I need to remain NC. He needs to learn life without me. I'm sure he'll go on, as I suffer through the first few weeks. But eventually, I'll be okay again.

A small part of me does want him back. But, the old him. Before the past three weeks. I wanted him to show that he cares. But, right now ... .he doesn't. He's running from his feelings and coping the best he can.

It hurts so much to know that in his mind I'm this horrible awful person. But, maybe with time he'll begin to feel differently.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #32 on: November 04, 2014, 10:44:08 AM »

Oh my god!

Congrats on the 40 days! Stay strong!

I think if we even have a shot at anything down the line (which I'm not sure I want at this point in time) I need to remain NC. He needs to learn life without me. I'm sure he'll go on, as I suffer through the first few weeks. But eventually, I'll be okay again.

A small part of me does want him back. But, the old him. Before the past three weeks. I wanted him to show that he cares. But, right now ... .he doesn't. He's running from his feelings and coping the best he can.

It hurts so much to know that in his mind I'm this horrible awful person. But, maybe with time he'll begin to feel differently.

Mine has someone else. Even if she did want to come back, I couldnt. she said such hurtful things about my kids at the final rage when I tried to win her back, that I just cant ever tolerate the thought, although I do miss her greatly, she crossed the line big time. I have to teach my kids that its not ok to be abused, by anyone, in anyway.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #33 on: November 04, 2014, 10:49:43 AM »

I think you're right. I'm not even sure I could forgive the things he said to me during our last conversation. I'm not sure if he has someone else, but he's definitely getting validation from somewhere else. Probably the dating sites and such, for now... .

People have told me that he's always out. He literally can't sit home. I guess he's trying to keep his mind occupied. I'll never truly know. To him, it's all a fantasy world and he just keeps running.

I don't know if he'll ever be back. He knows I found out his true colors and I didn't realize it... .but each time I confronted him on the lies and (cheating), I was holding up a mirror that he didn't want to look into.

The only difference is now, he knows that I know. He's displaced all the guilt and shame onto me just so he can function. So sad.

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lovethebeach
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« Reply #34 on: November 04, 2014, 11:04:59 AM »

Nevermind.

He already has a replacement.

Great.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #35 on: November 04, 2014, 11:06:33 AM »

Nevermind.

He already has a replacement.

Great.

It is great. You just dont realize it yet... .
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #36 on: November 04, 2014, 11:14:37 AM »

Then why does it hurt so bad?   :'(
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Deeno02
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« Reply #37 on: November 04, 2014, 11:20:25 AM »

Then why does it hurt so bad?   :'(

Well, as some people on here say, it's like withdrawing from heroin. That same type of withdraw. And, if you recycle, its worse next time he or she dumps you. Weird, but its spot on. Its, at times, unbearable when I think of her and her kids, but I shake it off and re-read my journal and read all the good and bad and realize I dont want to keep hurting anymore. I deserve to have some one who loves me for me and not act like a moron. Its a process LTB, like any other addiction, a slow, steady process. Your going to have horrible days and then some ok days, some great days followed by a horrible day. It comes in waves my dear. Learn to ride them. We are here... .
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #38 on: November 04, 2014, 11:24:45 AM »

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #39 on: November 04, 2014, 11:27:00 AM »

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

It's usually because they have been cultivating a relationship with someone before they leave the current relationship they are in.   It leaves us non's feeling discarded, alone, and empty over night. 
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Deeno02
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« Reply #40 on: November 04, 2014, 11:29:49 AM »

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

I was replaced within 2 days, probably even before she dumped me, but didnt pull the trigger on it until it was official. They do that. Wont let go for the most part until they have another supply. Im still stunned that I didnt even mean that much that you couldnt mourn the r/s ending before darting off with Nick the new guy on your arm. Shes not my damn problem anymore... The replacement will get his. I hope to god he's smarter then I was.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #41 on: November 04, 2014, 11:30:47 AM »

Exactly how I feel.

I'm not sure if it was ongoing during the relationship, but he's definitely in full swing and courting mode right now.

Wow. I'm just speechless and so hurt.

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Deeno02
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« Reply #42 on: November 04, 2014, 11:31:22 AM »

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

It's usually because they have been cultivating a relationship with someone before they leave the current relationship they are in.   It leaves us non's feeling discarded, alone, and empty over night. 

That is correct. Her's is an old college buddy, who happens to live a town over. Ding... .fries are done... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #43 on: November 04, 2014, 11:34:05 AM »

How do you stop the ache in your chest that I now feel?

Realizing that he's moved on and I have not.

If he could move on that quickly, I guess I never mattered at all.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #44 on: November 04, 2014, 11:40:23 AM »

How do you stop the ache in your chest that I now feel?

Realizing that he's moved on and I have not.

If he could move on that quickly, I guess I never mattered at all.

Well, I can only speak for me and Im still processing, but I journal. I exercise, I read, I visit friends, I vent on here with my brothers and sisters in pain, we get through this LTB. It hurts still very badly, worse than when my marriage of 18 years ended. In this instance, not only did she leave me shattered, but she hurt my 20 year old daughter, who loved her like a mom and my 16 year old son, who not only lost someone he thought was the coolest coach, but he lost BFF, who happens to be her son. So I have no choice but to suck it up and try and deal with it because its not just me.

Follow your heart and follow the advice in these forums. Also read the lessons. They are magnificent in dealing with this situation.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #45 on: November 04, 2014, 11:41:17 AM »

How do you stop the ache in your chest that I now feel?

Realizing that he's moved on and I have not.

If he could move on that quickly, I guess I never mattered at all.

The ache in the chest feeling is a difficult one.  I still ache and she's been out of the area for a year, but we've been doing push/pull for that entire time and she has begged me to move back here on more than one occasion while at the same time throwing guys in my face that she's dating etc.  

It takes time for that longing to subside and after a few days to a few weeks it can get worse, at least it has for me.   Then after each breach of NC it can trigger those same feelings all over again.  

I think you did matter to him, but not in the way that he mattered to you.  He's a disordered individual and from my experience and what I understand about he disorder their 'feeling/emotions' are not sustainable.   It's hard not to sit there and feel that way, but don't beat yourself up about it because none of his behavior was about you personally.  
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #46 on: November 04, 2014, 02:00:25 PM »

I guess not. It's just hard to deal with being replaced and knowing that I'll never speak to him again. It's what he does. He always told me his ex's were crazy... .now I see that they weren't. It was him who made them crazy.

He doesn't contact any of his ex's and with me he came back almost instantly after ever argument and "mini break up." I know our relationship was different, but still. This feels different, so I know it is.

It's just hard knowing that he's so angry at me. I wish I could do something to fix the anger that he feels.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #47 on: November 04, 2014, 03:11:16 PM »

I guess not. It's just hard to deal with being replaced and knowing that I'll never speak to him again. It's what he does. He always told me his ex's were crazy... .now I see that they weren't. It was him who made them crazy.

He doesn't contact any of his ex's and with me he came back almost instantly after ever argument and "mini break up." I know our relationship was different, but still. This feels different, so I know it is.

It's just hard knowing that he's so angry at me. I wish I could do something to fix the anger that he feels.

Yea I've learned that anytime someone tells you that their Ex's are always the crazy ones and they take no accountability for the demise of the relationship that's a red flag. 

As some other members have indicated on this thread I too believe he will contact you again.   My ex officially "hates me" right now and considers me a "psycho" yet that didn't stop her from contacting me three times on Sunday while she was intoxicated.  I stayed NC and then she went off on her FB (I posted a thread about it today) about me in a huge rant. 

Again, I think it's words not meeting actions as a theme with most BPD, sure was/is the case with my ex. 
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #48 on: November 04, 2014, 06:41:41 PM »

I guess not. It's just hard to deal with being replaced and knowing that I'll never speak to him again. It's what he does. He always told me his ex's were crazy... .now I see that they weren't. It was him who made them crazy.

He doesn't contact any of his ex's and with me he came back almost instantly after ever argument and "mini break up." I know our relationship was different, but still. This feels different, so I know it is.

It's just hard knowing that he's so angry at me. I wish I could do something to fix the anger that he feels.

I'm sorry for your pain as I have been in the same situation long before I knew about BPD. It's very difficult to process many feelings including being being shocked, very hurt, left, and w no closure.

I was a "fixer" as well in my r/s w my expBPD. They require being cared for so I went into full overdrive in the r/s. I was left drained and depleted.

It was difficult for me to see the patterns with my ex recounting his former r/s partners as the "ones w the problem".  I believed every word.  This is a characteristic behavior of the d/o.

Do you still wish you could "fix" the anger that he presently feels or perhaps could you look inward?
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #49 on: November 04, 2014, 07:09:33 PM »

I just wish he didn't hate me. During our conversation he was so hurtful. I didn't use that time to throw things back in his face, I simply apologized.

He told me that I only want to talk when its convenient for me, that I never cared and that everything was always about me. That he changed so much (which he did for a short while) but the lies were always present and that I did not change like he asked.

I could not. He ALWAYS needed my help. It seems like he wanted to be in control (NPD) but have me to have all the responsibility and accountability. It can't happen. So, I may have "mothered" him a bit, but during our relationship his life was finally on the up swing.

In just the short while we've been broken up, he's already back to his old ways which will ultimately lead to his demise.

I guess I just don't understand why he's so angry at me. It hurts that he truly hates me now after all of our time together.

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Deeno02
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« Reply #50 on: November 04, 2014, 07:27:34 PM »

I just wish he didn't hate me. During our conversation he was so hurtful. I didn't use that time to throw things back in his face, I simply apologized.

He told me that I only want to talk when its convenient for me, that I never cared and that everything was always about me. That he changed so much (which he did for a short while) but the lies were always present and that I did not change like he asked.

I could not. He ALWAYS needed my help. It seems like he wanted to be in control (NPD) but have me to have all the responsibility and accountability. It can't happen. So, I may have "mothered" him a bit, but during our relationship his life was finally on the up swing.

In just the short while we've been broken up, he's already back to his old ways which will ultimately lead to his demise.

I guess I just don't understand why he's so angry at me. It hurts that he truly hates me now after all of our time together.

I belive its projection. Throwing his pain and guilt back at you.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #51 on: November 04, 2014, 07:38:57 PM »

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in shock.

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.


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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #52 on: November 04, 2014, 07:53:10 PM »

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in shock.

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

I think most of us felt that way.  In one of his moments of clarity before he left, my bf told me, "Eagles Juju you could have complied with everything I wanted, it still would not have mattered or been enough. This is something that is wrong with me."  Although he directly told me this and I logically agreed with him, I still felt I could have done more.  
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Deeno02
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« Reply #53 on: November 04, 2014, 07:55:25 PM »

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in shock.

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

hun, its your fault. Period. A car accident happened in Brazil, your fault. The economy, your fault, Iraq, your fault, Ebola, your fault. Get the picture? THEY are the victim, not you. I witnessed it first hand, as have the others on the forum. I have never in my life been accused of so much crap by my exgf, all i could do was stare at her while she was saying it before i turned to crawl away like a slug, which led to me second guessing myself, much like you are now. Its so common for them to do that. They accept zero responsibility for what happened. None.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #54 on: November 04, 2014, 08:01:42 PM »

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

shock.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

hun, its your fault. Period. A car accident happened in Brazil, your fault. The economy, your fault, Iraq, your fault, Ebola, your fault. Get the picture? THEY are the victim, not you. I witnessed it first hand, as have the others on the forum. I have never in my life been accused of so much crap by my exgf, all i could do was stare at her while she was saying it before i turned to crawl away like a slug, which led to me second guessing myself, much like you are now. Its so common for them to do that. They accept zero responsibility for what happened. None.



This is so true
.  I told my exBPD about 100 times that she never excepted any accountability for  what she says or does  and you know what kind of response I ALWAYS got?  None. She didn't even acknowledge the accusation.  They are absolutely 100% the victim in life.  Friends, family, relationships, etc.   My ex absolutely has ZERO ability for sustained interpersonal relationships with anyone, not just me or guys.   Don't blame yourself for any of this because there is nothing you could have done to prevent this outcome.  
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #55 on: November 04, 2014, 08:14:44 PM »

It was weird because when we used to argue and I would "leave" he would apologize and take responsibility.

Now that he officially left, it's all my fault. I remember him saying just a few weeks ago, "I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to loose you in my life."

Now, if I had changed, and been this or that ... .he wouldn't have left.

All I wanted to say was "You've got to be kidding me. You cheated. You lied. You did XYZ... .but I couldn't. I just listened and apologized. I figured it would help, but he was just as angry.

I'm second guessing my responses. Maybe I should have been mean. Maybe I should have been shorter.

Such a mind $%#@.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #56 on: November 04, 2014, 08:17:40 PM »

I just wish he didn't hate me. During our conversation he was so hurtful. I didn't use that time to throw things back in his face, I simply apologized.

He told me that I only want to talk when its convenient for me, that I never cared and that everything was always about me. That he changed so much (which he did for a short while) but the lies were always present and that I did not change like he asked.

I could not. He ALWAYS needed my help. It seems like he wanted to be in control (NPD) but have me to have all the responsibility and accountability. It can't happen. So, I may have "mothered" him a bit, but during our relationship his life was finally on the up swing.

In just the short while we've been broken up, he's already back to his old ways which will ultimately lead to his demise.

I guess I just don't understand why he's so angry at me. It hurts that he truly hates me now after all of our time together.

Your ex is disregulated.   He has a disorder that makes r/s esp difficult. What is your understanding of projection?
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #57 on: November 04, 2014, 08:23:06 PM »

How long do they stay disregulated for?

He projects onto me his negative feelings, so that he doesn't have to feel them?

Is he at all aware of his part in the demise of our relationship?
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #58 on: November 04, 2014, 08:24:57 PM »

It was weird because when we used to argue and I would "leave" he would apologize and take responsibility.

Now that he officially left, it's all my fault. I remember him saying just a few weeks ago, "I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to loose you in my life."

Now, if I had changed, and been this or that ... .he wouldn't have left.

All I wanted to say was "You've got to be kidding me. You cheated. You lied. You did XYZ... .but I couldn't. I just listened and apologized. I figured it would help, but he was just as angry.

I'm second guessing my responses. Maybe I should have been mean. Maybe I should have been shorter.

Such a mind $%#@.

Do you understand that nothing you could "do" would change his disorder? I realize how shocked and hurt you are.  I was you. Your situation was my own.  I have been there. I understand the confusion and hurt. So hard.

Please look at the various communication techniques that partners use in these types of r/s on the staying board as well as the workshops offered here.

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lovethebeach
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« Reply #59 on: November 04, 2014, 08:28:50 PM »

I'm willing to read anything/everything! Although, staying may not help because we are no longer together/will never be again.

It's hard because he was never officially diagnosed. But fits it to a T... .

How long do they stay disregulated for?

He projects onto me his negative feelings, so that he doesn't have to feel them?

Is he at all aware of his part in the demise of our relationship?
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