Will he contact me? Do they come back?

[lovethebeach]

How do you know if they'll contact you?

My ex seems to have been caught in too many lies to be back. He painted me black and placed all the blame on me; yet, he was the one caught lying and on dating websites etc... .

He blames me for snooping and last night (after 12 days of NC) said some pretty mean and hurtful things.

It's like he's a completely different person. I've never seen that person before and he seemed totally checked out.

I wish there was something I could do.

[Raybo48]

How do you know if they'll contact you?

My ex seems to have been caught in too many lies to be back. He painted me black and placed all the blame on me; yet, he was the one caught lying and on dating websites etc... .

He blames me for snooping and last night (after 12 days of NC) said some pretty mean and hurtful things.

It's like he's a completely different person. I've never seen that person before and he seemed totally checked out.

I wish there was something I could do.

In my personal experience catching my ex in lies didn't make her stay away.  I'd catch her red handed on some very substantial lies and she would either deny it or talk her way right around the issue, but at no time did she appear to be shamed enough or feel exposed and then bolt.  I honestly don't think they are wired that way so that would not be an issue in my mind for him to stay away.

The painting black explanation is more likely why he's staying away and there are members on here that can explain the black/white splitting far better than I can, but if he's getting supply from somewhere else (like the dating site;dates) you likely won't hear from him until that goes south, and it will eventually.  If he's using snooping as a reason he's just making excuses and projecting back onto you to make you look like the bad guy.  It's what they do.

[AG]

My experience is yes but the behavior again from my experience only is that it gets worse. Once you catch them doing something they start the devalue and push the blame on you. No matter the circumstance its always your fault. There isnt anything you can do to stop it. Trust me I wish there were but there isnt. Again thats my experience might I add I had a high functioning ex who turned low functionong. Im not sure what spectrum yours is on so anything is possible but Id start taking care of u. Thats the best you can do. Hell probably come back from my experince but u really never know they are irratic

[lovethebeach]

My ex can't face the shame or the guilt of what he's done. He can't deal with hurting me, so he's choosing to stay away. I've reached out twice and gotten nowhere. I asked him to call me last night for closure and he did. But, what I got made me feel even worse. He devalued me and our relationship and told me what an awful girlfriend I was.

He always used to back peddle out of lies. But in the past three weeks, I've caught him so many times. Craigslist. OkCupid and now lying about his whereabouts.

I wish we could rewind time before this last month, but I know that's not possible. I just miss him so much and us. Not whoever this monster is... .although, I'm starting to realize they're one in the same.

This is so painful.

[Raybo48]

My ex can't face the shame or the guilt of what he's done. He can't deal with hurting me, so he's choosing to stay away. I've reached out twice and gotten nowhere. I asked him to call me last night for closure and he did. But, what I got made me feel even worse. He devalued me and our relationship and told me what an awful girlfriend I was.

He always used to back peddle out of lies. But in the past three weeks, I've caught him so many times. Craigslist. OkCupid and now lying about his whereabouts.

I wish we could rewind time before this last month, but I know that's not possible. I just miss him so much and us. Not whoever this monster is... .although, I'm starting to realize they're one in the same.

This is so painful.

Interesting, because what you are explaining here is empathy and compassion for your feelings and that just isn't the typical BPD that I know. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

[lovethebeach]

Then what do you think? He suddenly painted me black and bolted. I want to hear from him, but after last night I'm so angry and hurt by what he said. I think it finally made me realize his warped perception. It has some validity, but I didn't even get a sincere apology for any of his actions even after I apologized for mine.

I'm so confused!

[Raybo48]

Then what do you think? He suddenly painted me black and bolted. I want to hear from him, but after last night I'm so angry and hurt by what he said. I think it finally made me realize his warped perception. It has some validity, but I didn't even get a sincere apology for any of his actions even after I apologized for mine.

I'm so confused!

These are just my experiences and the experiences I've taken from others and their BPD rs, but they don't usually ever apologize for much of anything. If you ever do get an apology from them it has to be drawn out of them and it's rarely voluntary. 

I think you are looking past one very telling red flag.  You said he was on a dating site.  If that's the case he could have easily found someone else or is getting enough attention from that to bolt, yes.  He painted you black because you accused him of what he did, but I don't believe for a second he left because he felt bad because he hurt your feelings.  That's just not how they are wired, and empathy isn't their strong point to put it mildly. 

[lovethebeach]

After I found him on Craigslist three weeks ago, he begged and pleaded and basically bent over backwards to make me stay. I eventually agreed.

After two more weekends of "working on things" it went south again. When he left here that Sunday, Sunday evening he created a blank online dating profile. No picture and no information and a paypal account. We got into a heated argument about it. He kept saying "I just want you to believe me, this once." I didn't. I called him out and he eventually admitted it.

Two days later, another argument after he was caught out at an Italian restaurant after I did snoop and checked his online banking.

WHY LIE ABOUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? I don't know who he was with or what he was doing, but once I confronted him ... .he bolted.

I deserved some kind of apology and explanation. Instead, I got the reverse. It was all my fault.

[Caredverymuch]

My ex can't face the shame or the guilt of what he's done. He can't deal with hurting me, so he's choosing to stay away. I've reached out twice and gotten nowhere. I asked him to call me last night for closure and he did. But, what I got made me feel even worse. He devalued me and our relationship and told me what an awful girlfriend I was.

He always used to back peddle out of lies. But in the past three weeks, I've caught him so many times. Craigslist. OkCupid and now lying about his whereabouts.

I wish we could rewind time before this last month, but I know that's not possible. I just miss him so much and us. Not whoever this monster is... .although, I'm starting to realize they're one in the same.

This is so painful.

I followed your earlier post today and the subsequent thread. I am very sorry for your pain. A pain we know well here as many have experienced the very same.  Its hurtful and so confusing, until you are able to embrace that your partner has an attachment disorder.

The behaviors are difficult to depersonalize.  Especially being replaced with no closure.

You mentioned on the other thread that your partner indicated the r/s was over in your last communications. I realize how hurtful that feels. I was in your very situation.

Are you able to take some of the learning and support you have gained here to understand that you did nothing to cause this?   Knowing that we understand your pain.  

Its very hard on the heart.

Are you able to see a pattern in learning of the disorder? If so, how do you feel about returning to this type of r/s?

Sending support and  

[lovethebeach]

It was the weirdest thing. I was willing to work on things and then once confronted AGAIN, seemingly out of no where ... .he bolted. I think he has new supply or else he'd be back.

I miss him. I miss us. The memories keep flooding back. We had so many amazing times together. But, in truth I don't think I could take him back I want him to care and show that but I don't think I'll ever get that at this point. I value trust and at this point there just isn't any.

It's hard to not feel that I'm not somewhat responsible on an emotional level. Most of the relationship, I was his "mother" or so he feels. It's what he "needed." When I first met him, he was doing drugs, excessively drinking, not caring about life and ultimately, he got kicked out of college soon after we met.

He also entered the military and came home after six months. He claims to be with me, but who really knows. Once home, with my help, he got a car, a job, A's in school and back on track to enter the university that he was expelled from. It was a lot of work but I thought helping him would help us. I gave him 110%. Sure, I may have been a bit much at times, but I truly wanted the best for him. He needed some sort of structure.

While with me, he changed or mirrored me. He became this amazing person. No more drinking, drugs and negative behavior (mostly). I never thought he'd leave and yet here I am, he left and I doubt he'll be back.

[neverloveagain]

I prayer for you shut the doors lock em close the windows pull the curtains batton all the hatches, if you lucky enough to be the blackest of black in their minds eye you may never hear off them again. It sounds hard but that would make you one  of the lucky ones when the connection is severed leave it walk away dont try to fix it it can never work , it never would and never can. Look after yourself dont dwell too long you might drown with em.

[lovethebeach]

I just miss him. It hurts feeling like he doesn't care and is out "living it up."

No one will ever love him the way I did.

[Raybo48]

It was the weirdest thing. I was willing to work on things and then once confronted AGAIN, seemingly out of no where ... .he bolted. I think he has new supply or else he'd be back.

I miss him. I miss us. The memories keep flooding back. We had so many amazing times together. But, in truth I don't think I could take him back I want him to care and show that but I don't think I'll ever get that at this point. I value trust and at this point there just isn't any.

It's hard to not feel that I'm not somewhat responsible on an emotional level. Most of the relationship, I was his "mother" or so he feels. It's what he "needed." When I first met him, he was doing drugs, excessively drinking, not caring about life and ultimately, he got kicked out of college soon after we met.

He also entered the military and came home after six months. He claims to be with me, but who really knows. Once home, with my help, he got a car, a job, A's in school and back on track to enter the university that he was expelled from. It was a lot of work but I thought helping him would help us. I gave him 110%. Sure, I may have been a bit much at times, but I truly wanted the best for him. He needed some sort of structure.

While with me, he changed or mirrored me. He became this amazing person. No more drinking, drugs and negative behavior (mostly). I never thought he'd leave and yet here I am, he left and I doubt he'll be back.

It sounds like you really put a lot into the relationship.  Did he give back anywhere near what you gave him?  It situations like this it makes it even more difficult because when they leave so abruptly and you gave it everything you are left feeling really empty and confused.  I'm sorry I was kind of hard on you today, but I was trying to make you see that he likely has a disorder there isn't a lot you can do about that, or for that matter change his behavior.   Even if you could 'rewind' the outcome would have likely been the same. 

[thatwasthat]

I just miss him. It hurts feeling like he doesn't care and is out "living it up."

No one will ever love him the way I did.

I know exactly how that feels.

And... .I'm pretty sure no one ever will. You being on this forums, trying to understand, having put all this into the r/s... .that shows what type of person you are.

As weird as it may sound right now... .but it is his loss. Not yours.

You are capable of true love and compassion. And a great deal of empathy. I don't think there are many people out there that would even bother trying to understand like you did/do when the problems arise.

HE threw that away. Not you.

Now it is time to look after yourself. Or this loving, compassionate human will be tortured even more. And that would be heart breaking in itself.

And yes. He will most likely be back. As difficult as this might be... .be very careful. Wether he sees "who you are" or not... .the reason for being back at your door step will lay within himself and will not having to do with the two of you.

I've been there. Had very minimal contact. And even though it was only minimal contact she managed to let me down again and inflict a great deal of pain.

You are strong. Very strong. You have already shown this. You have already shown what you are capable of doing for your love.

But now... .your strength is within the mend. Not the pain you endure.

[lovethebeach]

It's alright. I needed it.

I think I may have been able to change things on my end. But, I think in the end he still would've self sabotaged it and us.

If I gave him control back, he would've been back to his old ways. I only wish I would've been more validating at the end, but it's difficult to do with someone who is so angry all the time.

The last month, October, he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. From the moment I caught him on Craigslist, everything changed.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thatwasthat:

Thank you for all your advice and kind words. They help so much.

From here, I just move on?

I guess last night I got some answers. Even if they were nasty and hurtful. I got the answer, I didn't want. But it was closure.

[lovethebeach]

I was the once who brought up BPD to him. I guess its been about a year now. I could see the pain in his eyes when he talked about his family. How much his mother hated him and was abusive when he was younger. His father too weak to stand up and his sister idolized for no reason.


I researched for hours and found NPD/BPD. I even bought him a book on how to deal with parents who have BPD. Then, found him a therapist and figured we were on the right path.


One thing that will always stick with me. The therapist asked me in one session, if there is only one thing that Ethan will get out of this ... .if he gets nothing else ... .what do you want him to know. You know what I said... .I said "I want him to know that he's worth it. He's worth the fight."

I can't pretend to imagine the pain but I never wanted to give up on him. Still brings tears to my eyes knowing how hard I fought for him. Sure we had arguments and maybe I was too much at times, but I truly thought it was what he needed. With me, he was doing so well. Back in school. Doing well. No drugs/drinking. Everything seemed to be coming together for a life for us.

He'll never get the approval he so desperately seeks from his mother and his father will never fight back. I think he's come to terms with it but the young boy in him will never understand why mommy doesn't love him. But, I did. With everything I had. Every single inch.

Sure, we may have had mini break ups and at times I got fed up ... .but I always came back. I wanted to be by his side. I saw the love in his eyes and the appreciation he had. It's why this is all so hard to swallow for me as I'm left wondering what happened.


He's rebelling against his mom? Or taking his anger out on me? Or just being a young, dumb boy? I'll never know. I never expected him to be this way.

[Deeno02]

I was the once who brought up BPD to him. I guess its been about a year now. I could see the pain in his eyes when he talked about his family. How much his mother hated him and was abusive when he was younger. His father too weak to stand up and his sister idolized for no reason.


I researched for hours and found NPD/BPD. I even bought him a book on how to deal with parents who have BPD. Then, found him a therapist and figured we were on the right path.


One thing that will always stick with me. The therapist asked me in one session, if there is only one thing that Ethan will get out of this ... .if he gets nothing else ... .what do you want him to know. You know what I said... .I said "I want him to know that he's worth it. He's worth the fight."

I can't pretend to imagine the pain but I never wanted to give up on him. Still brings tears to my eyes knowing how hard I fought for him. Sure we had arguments and maybe I was too much at times, but I truly thought it was what he needed. With me, he was doing so well. Back in school. Doing well. No drugs/drinking. Everything seemed to be coming together for a life for us.

He'll never get the approval he so desperately seeks from his mother and his father will never fight back. I think he's come to terms with it but the young boy in him will never understand why mommy doesn't love him. But, I did. With everything I had. Every single inch.

Sure, we may have had mini break ups and at times I got fed up ... .but I always came back. I wanted to be by his side. I saw the love in his eyes and the appreciation he had. It's why this is all so hard to swallow for me as I'm left wondering what happened.


He's rebelling against his mom? Or taking his anger out on me? Or just being a young, dumb boy? I'll never know. I never expected him to be this way.

See, you had a better understanding already. I knew nothing of BPD until after I was dumped. Since my divorce, Ive journaled. When I met my BPDgf, I journaled it from day one, so I had a complete record. When it finally came to a head and I was dumped, I was crushed like you. I sent my journal to an old HS girlfriend who happens to bd a Psychologist.  I thought I was crazy. Within an hour, she had called me back saying I dodged a bullet. What I was dealjng with was possibly BPD or even NPD. Thats when I found this forum and its been a help to me. Hope its a help too. Whenever you need to vent, do so. Its so helpful. Hopefully you will get a T as well. We are here for you... .

[lovethebeach]

I think I'm most upset that I'm painted black.

That he really believes that I didn't do anything throughout the relationship. Some of the things he said were true just blown out of proportion and the. He used those to negate anything he ever did.

[peiper]

I think I'm most upset that I'm painted black.

That he really believes that I didn't do anything throughout the relationship. Some of the things he said were true just blown out of proportion and the. He used those to negate anything he ever did.

 That's what they do. My ex BPD could twist the truth around to where i  didn't know weather to $hit or have a tooth pulled. Completely confusing !

[patientandclear]

On the thread that got moved to Staying, Skip emphasized that the reaction you're seeing is almost surely to do with the shame that was invoked when you confronted and called him out. Skip suggested a particular non-judgmental way of approaching him to try to neutralize the shame and give him a place to just talk with you about what's going on and what he wants.

What's your reaction to that? If you have a viscerally negative reaction to engaging him in that kind of neutral way about these topics that are understandably charged for you, this r/ship will be very volatile and dramatic. Saying "you need to change what you're doing because it really hurts me" may work in a regular r/ship but not here. You might spend some time with the tools on the Staying board if you haven't, and decide if that is a way you could see yourself engaging with him.

For what it's worth I tried mightily to apply the tools, didn't always succeed but mostly I did ... .And my ex still did things that crossed my personal boundaries and caused me to need to end things. It's no magic wand. But if you think you'd like to Stay, make sure you know what is entailed in that.

This is rough stuff. I know how hard it is.

[lovethebeach]

I haven't because we're over. He's done. He hasn't reached out too me, once in two weeks.

I've tried twice and it was a 4 text message conversation. He called me the other night, after I asked... .which I was surprised over. He said "I couldve not answered or blocked your number, but I answered. I was civil. I don't know what more you want from me. I can't act like nothing happened between us." I was so confused, because he was the one caught in the lie.

I just wanted to know how we got from "trying to work on things" to him being disengaged He said he didn't know and then got enraged and took most of the rest of the conversation to dump everything on me.

[Raybo48]

I haven't because we're over. He's done. He hasn't reached out too me, once in two weeks.

I've tried twice and it was a 4 text message conversation. He called me the other night, after I asked... .which I was surprised over. He said "I couldve not answered or blocked your number, but I answered. I was civil. I don't know what more you want from me. I can't act like nothing happened between us." I was so confused, because he was the one caught in the lie.

I just wanted to know how we got from "trying to work on things" to him being disengaged He said he didn't know and then got enraged and took most of the rest of the conversation to dump everything on me.

Sounds like you are still painted black.  My ex has been willing to talk to me while I was black at times and the conversations always started out somewhat civil, but it didn't take long for her to become enraged and the rest of the conversation was what you just described.  You end up hanging up (if she didn't terminated the call first) more frustrated then before the conversation started.  

[mitchell16]

lovethebeach, nobody can say if they will or will not contact you but i would bet you will hear from him. I was where you were many many many times and mine always called or texted and then here we would go again. but i was only asking for more pain and sufferring and thats just what i got. I just heard from mine after two months of nc abd of course it was like ripping out stitches. she is now once again in love with me, im the best, she was wrong ( not for what she did of course) but other things, she founds god etc... .and this was not the first time she said that. only thing is ive bit before and after about 4 weeks its back to the old her. teh raging, lying, cheating, accusations etc... .the push way. me being sad, lonley and confused again.

[Raybo48]

lovethebeach, nobody can say if they will or will not contact you but i would bet you will hear from him. I was where you were many many many times and mine always called or texted and then here we would go again. but i was only asking for more pain and sufferring and thats just what i got. I just heard from mine after two months of nc abd of course it was like ripping out stitches. she is now once again in love with me, im the best, she was wrong ( not for what she did of course) but other things, she founds god etc... .and this was not the first time she said that. only thing is ive bit before and after about 4 weeks its back to the old her. teh raging, lying, cheating, accusations etc... .the push way. me being sad, lonley and confused again.

This sounds beyond familiar here, on every point.   

[antonio1213]

My ex can't face the shame or the guilt of what he's done. He can't deal with hurting me, so he's choosing to stay away. I've reached out twice and gotten nowhere. I asked him to call me last night for closure and he did. But, what I got made me feel even worse. He devalued me and our relationship and told me what an awful girlfriend I was.

He always used to back peddle out of lies. But in the past three weeks, I've caught him so many times. Craigslist. OkCupid and now lying about his whereabouts.

I wish we could rewind time before this last month, but I know that's not possible. I just miss him so much and us. Not whoever this monster is... .although, I'm starting to realize they're one in the same.

This is so painful.

Interesting, because what you are explaining here is empathy and compassion for your feelings and that just isn't the typical BPD that I know. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

Mine seemed to show empathy and compassion for her actions. I don't know if it was real though. The weeks following her breaking up with me she told me she was sorry for being too unstable to stay in a relationship, told me I was great, and wanted to know if I was ok. But we go to the same college (very small college) and she hasn't tried to see me to really see if I am okay or anything, nor has she called a bunch or messaged a bunch trying to get closure or too really make sure I'm ok. All Ive gotten is a couple of calls one day, a text message, email, and fb message.

I think it is all an  act and not real remorse because she keeps saying she still wants me in her life…basically as a backup person. And I am one of the only people on this planet who put up with her behavior and loved her through it.

[lovethebeach]

He'll talk if I text him. But it's always pointless. So, I stopped. After that enraged phone call, I promised myself I wouldn't contact him again. I didn't deserve any of that. I wasn't yelling or screaming.

I'd love to talk,but I'm painted black currently and every attempt I make just pushes him further away.

[Raybo48]

My ex can't face the shame or the guilt of what he's done. He can't deal with hurting me, so he's choosing to stay away. I've reached out twice and gotten nowhere. I asked him to call me last night for closure and he did. But, what I got made me feel even worse. He devalued me and our relationship and told me what an awful girlfriend I was.

He always used to back peddle out of lies. But in the past three weeks, I've caught him so many times. Craigslist. OkCupid and now lying about his whereabouts.

I wish we could rewind time before this last month, but I know that's not possible. I just miss him so much and us. Not whoever this monster is... .although, I'm starting to realize they're one in the same.

This is so painful.

Interesting, because what you are explaining here is empathy and compassion for your feelings and that just isn't the typical BPD that I know. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

Mine seemed to show empathy and compassion for her actions. I don't know if it was real though. The weeks following her breaking up with me she told me she was sorry for being too unstable to stay in a relationship, told me I was great, and wanted to know if I was ok. But we go to the same college (very small college) and she hasn't tried to see me to really see if I am okay or anything, nor has she called a bunch or messaged a bunch trying to get closure or too really make sure I'm ok. All Ive gotten is a couple of calls one day, a text message, email, and fb message.

I think it is all an  act and not real remorse because she keeps saying she still wants me in her life…basically as a backup person. And I am one of the only people on this planet who put up with her behavior and loved her through it.

I still find that at least in my case 'words almost never meet actions'.   It's been the one reoccurring theme I can count on time and time again.  It certainly helps with NC because I know nothing will likely ever change.   I'd love it to change don't get me wrong, but not when words don't meet actions every single time.  

[Raybo48]

He'll talk if I text him. But it's always pointless. So, I stopped. After that enraged phone call, I promised myself I wouldn't contact him again. I didn't deserve any of that. I wasn't yelling or screaming.

I'd love to talk,but I'm painted black currently and every attempt I make just pushes him further away.

The only person you can control right now is you, and you deserve to be happy and to heal from this ordeal.  I think you have a good handle on things, even better than just yesterday.  Stay strong!

[Deeno02]

He'll talk if I text him. But it's always pointless. So, I stopped. After that enraged phone call, I promised myself I wouldn't contact him again. I didn't deserve any of that. I wasn't yelling or screaming.

I'd love to talk,but I'm painted black currently and every attempt I make just pushes him further away.

The only person you can control right now is you, and you deserve to be happy and to heal from this ordeal.  I think you have a good handle on things, even better than just yesterday.  Stay strong!

40 freaking Days NC... .7 weeks after B/U... .

[Raybo48]

He'll talk if I text him. But it's always pointless. So, I stopped. After that enraged phone call, I promised myself I wouldn't contact him again. I didn't deserve any of that. I wasn't yelling or screaming.

I'd love to talk,but I'm painted black currently and every attempt I make just pushes him further away.

The only person you can control right now is you, and you deserve to be happy and to heal from this ordeal.  I think you have a good handle on things, even better than just yesterday.  Stay strong!

40 freaking Days NC... .7 weeks after B/U... .

My ex contacted me drunk on Sunday twice by phone and texted.  I ignored, but it doesn't feel like NC as it triggered more emotional crap.  40 days is awesome!

[Deeno02]

He'll talk if I text him. But it's always pointless. So, I stopped. After that enraged phone call, I promised myself I wouldn't contact him again. I didn't deserve any of that. I wasn't yelling or screaming.

I'd love to talk,but I'm painted black currently and every attempt I make just pushes him further away.

Mines still need knee in the idealation phase of the replacement and how he rescued her from bad old me... .. Im still on guard though... .

The only person you can control right now is you, and you deserve to be happy and to heal from this ordeal.  I think you have a good handle on things, even better than just yesterday.  Stay strong!

40 freaking Days NC... .7 weeks after B/U... .

My ex contacted me drunk on Sunday twice by phone and texted.  I ignored, but it doesn't feel like NC as it triggered more emotional crap.  40 days is awesome!

[lovethebeach]

Oh my god!

Congrats on the 40 days! Stay strong!

I think if we even have a shot at anything down the line (which I'm not sure I want at this point in time) I need to remain NC. He needs to learn life without me. I'm sure he'll go on, as I suffer through the first few weeks. But eventually, I'll be okay again.

A small part of me does want him back. But, the old him. Before the past three weeks. I wanted him to show that he cares. But, right now ... .he doesn't. He's running from his feelings and coping the best he can.

It hurts so much to know that in his mind I'm this horrible awful person. But, maybe with time he'll begin to feel differently.

[Deeno02]

Oh my god!

Congrats on the 40 days! Stay strong!

I think if we even have a shot at anything down the line (which I'm not sure I want at this point in time) I need to remain NC. He needs to learn life without me. I'm sure he'll go on, as I suffer through the first few weeks. But eventually, I'll be okay again.

A small part of me does want him back. But, the old him. Before the past three weeks. I wanted him to show that he cares. But, right now ... .he doesn't. He's running from his feelings and coping the best he can.

It hurts so much to know that in his mind I'm this horrible awful person. But, maybe with time he'll begin to feel differently.

Mine has someone else. Even if she did want to come back, I couldnt. she said such hurtful things about my kids at the final rage when I tried to win her back, that I just cant ever tolerate the thought, although I do miss her greatly, she crossed the line big time. I have to teach my kids that its not ok to be abused, by anyone, in anyway.

[lovethebeach]

I think you're right. I'm not even sure I could forgive the things he said to me during our last conversation. I'm not sure if he has someone else, but he's definitely getting validation from somewhere else. Probably the dating sites and such, for now... .

People have told me that he's always out. He literally can't sit home. I guess he's trying to keep his mind occupied. I'll never truly know. To him, it's all a fantasy world and he just keeps running.

I don't know if he'll ever be back. He knows I found out his true colors and I didn't realize it... .but each time I confronted him on the lies and (cheating), I was holding up a mirror that he didn't want to look into.

The only difference is now, he knows that I know. He's displaced all the guilt and shame onto me just so he can function. So sad.

[lovethebeach]

Nevermind.

He already has a replacement.

Great.

[Deeno02]

Nevermind.

He already has a replacement.

Great.

It is great. You just dont realize it yet... .

[lovethebeach]

Then why does it hurt so bad?   :'(

[Deeno02]

Then why does it hurt so bad?   :'(

Well, as some people on here say, it's like withdrawing from heroin. That same type of withdraw. And, if you recycle, its worse next time he or she dumps you. Weird, but its spot on. Its, at times, unbearable when I think of her and her kids, but I shake it off and re-read my journal and read all the good and bad and realize I dont want to keep hurting anymore. I deserve to have some one who loves me for me and not act like a moron. Its a process LTB, like any other addiction, a slow, steady process. Your going to have horrible days and then some ok days, some great days followed by a horrible day. It comes in waves my dear. Learn to ride them. We are here... .

[lovethebeach]

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

[Raybo48]

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

It's usually because they have been cultivating a relationship with someone before they leave the current relationship they are in.   It leaves us non's feeling discarded, alone, and empty over night. 

[Deeno02]

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

I was replaced within 2 days, probably even before she dumped me, but didnt pull the trigger on it until it was official. They do that. Wont let go for the most part until they have another supply. Im still stunned that I didnt even mean that much that you couldnt mourn the r/s ending before darting off with Nick the new guy on your arm. Shes not my damn problem anymore... The replacement will get his. I hope to god he's smarter then I was.

[lovethebeach]

Exactly how I feel.

I'm not sure if it was ongoing during the relationship, but he's definitely in full swing and courting mode right now.

Wow. I'm just speechless and so hurt.

[Deeno02]

How do they just replace you so fast?

Its absolutely mind boggling.

It's usually because they have been cultivating a relationship with someone before they leave the current relationship they are in.   It leaves us non's feeling discarded, alone, and empty over night. 

That is correct. Her's is an old college buddy, who happens to live a town over. Ding... .fries are done... .

[lovethebeach]

How do you stop the ache in your chest that I now feel?

Realizing that he's moved on and I have not.

If he could move on that quickly, I guess I never mattered at all.

[Deeno02]

How do you stop the ache in your chest that I now feel?

Realizing that he's moved on and I have not.

If he could move on that quickly, I guess I never mattered at all.

Well, I can only speak for me and Im still processing, but I journal. I exercise, I read, I visit friends, I vent on here with my brothers and sisters in pain, we get through this LTB. It hurts still very badly, worse than when my marriage of 18 years ended. In this instance, not only did she leave me shattered, but she hurt my 20 year old daughter, who loved her like a mom and my 16 year old son, who not only lost someone he thought was the coolest coach, but he lost BFF, who happens to be her son. So I have no choice but to suck it up and try and deal with it because its not just me.

Follow your heart and follow the advice in these forums. Also read the lessons. They are magnificent in dealing with this situation.

[Raybo48]

How do you stop the ache in your chest that I now feel?

Realizing that he's moved on and I have not.

If he could move on that quickly, I guess I never mattered at all.

The ache in the chest feeling is a difficult one.  I still ache and she's been out of the area for a year, but we've been doing push/pull for that entire time and she has begged me to move back here on more than one occasion while at the same time throwing guys in my face that she's dating etc.  

It takes time for that longing to subside and after a few days to a few weeks it can get worse, at least it has for me.   Then after each breach of NC it can trigger those same feelings all over again.  

I think you did matter to him, but not in the way that he mattered to you.  He's a disordered individual and from my experience and what I understand about he disorder their 'feeling/emotions' are not sustainable.   It's hard not to sit there and feel that way, but don't beat yourself up about it because none of his behavior was about you personally.  

[lovethebeach]

I guess not. It's just hard to deal with being replaced and knowing that I'll never speak to him again. It's what he does. He always told me his ex's were crazy... .now I see that they weren't. It was him who made them crazy.

He doesn't contact any of his ex's and with me he came back almost instantly after ever argument and "mini break up." I know our relationship was different, but still. This feels different, so I know it is.

It's just hard knowing that he's so angry at me. I wish I could do something to fix the anger that he feels.

[Raybo48]

I guess not. It's just hard to deal with being replaced and knowing that I'll never speak to him again. It's what he does. He always told me his ex's were crazy... .now I see that they weren't. It was him who made them crazy.

He doesn't contact any of his ex's and with me he came back almost instantly after ever argument and "mini break up." I know our relationship was different, but still. This feels different, so I know it is.

It's just hard knowing that he's so angry at me. I wish I could do something to fix the anger that he feels.

Yea I've learned that anytime someone tells you that their Ex's are always the crazy ones and they take no accountability for the demise of the relationship that's a red flag. 

As some other members have indicated on this thread I too believe he will contact you again.   My ex officially "hates me" right now and considers me a "psycho" yet that didn't stop her from contacting me three times on Sunday while she was intoxicated.  I stayed NC and then she went off on her FB (I posted a thread about it today) about me in a huge rant. 

Again, I think it's words not meeting actions as a theme with most BPD, sure was/is the case with my ex. 

[Caredverymuch]

I guess not. It's just hard to deal with being replaced and knowing that I'll never speak to him again. It's what he does. He always told me his ex's were crazy... .now I see that they weren't. It was him who made them crazy.

He doesn't contact any of his ex's and with me he came back almost instantly after ever argument and "mini break up." I know our relationship was different, but still. This feels different, so I know it is.

It's just hard knowing that he's so angry at me. I wish I could do something to fix the anger that he feels.

I'm sorry for your pain as I have been in the same situation long before I knew about BPD. It's very difficult to process many feelings including being being shocked, very hurt, left, and w no closure.

I was a "fixer" as well in my r/s w my expBPD. They require being cared for so I went into full overdrive in the r/s. I was left drained and depleted.

It was difficult for me to see the patterns with my ex recounting his former r/s partners as the "ones w the problem".  I believed every word.  This is a characteristic behavior of the d/o.

Do you still wish you could "fix" the anger that he presently feels or perhaps could you look inward?

[lovethebeach]

I just wish he didn't hate me. During our conversation he was so hurtful. I didn't use that time to throw things back in his face, I simply apologized.

He told me that I only want to talk when its convenient for me, that I never cared and that everything was always about me. That he changed so much (which he did for a short while) but the lies were always present and that I did not change like he asked.

I could not. He ALWAYS needed my help. It seems like he wanted to be in control (NPD) but have me to have all the responsibility and accountability. It can't happen. So, I may have "mothered" him a bit, but during our relationship his life was finally on the up swing.

In just the short while we've been broken up, he's already back to his old ways which will ultimately lead to his demise.

I guess I just don't understand why he's so angry at me. It hurts that he truly hates me now after all of our time together.

[Deeno02]

I just wish he didn't hate me. During our conversation he was so hurtful. I didn't use that time to throw things back in his face, I simply apologized.

He told me that I only want to talk when its convenient for me, that I never cared and that everything was always about me. That he changed so much (which he did for a short while) but the lies were always present and that I did not change like he asked.

I could not. He ALWAYS needed my help. It seems like he wanted to be in control (NPD) but have me to have all the responsibility and accountability. It can't happen. So, I may have "mothered" him a bit, but during our relationship his life was finally on the up swing.

In just the short while we've been broken up, he's already back to his old ways which will ultimately lead to his demise.

I guess I just don't understand why he's so angry at me. It hurts that he truly hates me now after all of our time together.

I belive its projection. Throwing his pain and guilt back at you.

[lovethebeach]

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in shock.

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

[EaglesJuju]

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in shock.

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

I think most of us felt that way.  In one of his moments of clarity before he left, my bf told me, "Eagles Juju you could have complied with everything I wanted, it still would not have mattered or been enough. This is something that is wrong with me."  Although he directly told me this and I logically agreed with him, I still felt I could have done more.  

[Deeno02]

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in shock.

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

hun, its your fault. Period. A car accident happened in Brazil, your fault. The economy, your fault, Iraq, your fault, Ebola, your fault. Get the picture? THEY are the victim, not you. I witnessed it first hand, as have the others on the forum. I have never in my life been accused of so much crap by my exgf, all i could do was stare at her while she was saying it before i turned to crawl away like a slug, which led to me second guessing myself, much like you are now. Its so common for them to do that. They accept zero responsibility for what happened. None.

[Raybo48]

Nothing I say or do can help at this point? I can't change his perception or reach him? I'm like in

It's like he truly believes the things he said. Everything he said was blown so out of proportion/used against me. Sure, some of it had truth but most of it was just insanity.

shock.

I said if I was this awful girlfriend how did we last two years, he said "because he let things slide." I almost laughed. Sure, everything is too sided ... but his faults far over shadowed mine.

I hate feeling as if he's so angry that everything is completely negated. How long before I'm not painted so black?

It's awful. He played this mind game and made me feel as if I would've done something different, we'd still be together.

hun, its your fault. Period. A car accident happened in Brazil, your fault. The economy, your fault, Iraq, your fault, Ebola, your fault. Get the picture? THEY are the victim, not you. I witnessed it first hand, as have the others on the forum. I have never in my life been accused of so much crap by my exgf, all i could do was stare at her while she was saying it before i turned to crawl away like a slug, which led to me second guessing myself, much like you are now. Its so common for them to do that. They accept zero responsibility for what happened. None.

This is so true.  I told my exBPD about 100 times that she never excepted any accountability for  what she says or does  and you know what kind of response I ALWAYS got?  None. She didn't even acknowledge the accusation.  They are absolutely 100% the victim in life.  Friends, family, relationships, etc.   My ex absolutely has ZERO ability for sustained interpersonal relationships with anyone, not just me or guys.   Don't blame yourself for any of this because there is nothing you could have done to prevent this outcome.  

[lovethebeach]

It was weird because when we used to argue and I would "leave" he would apologize and take responsibility.

Now that he officially left, it's all my fault. I remember him saying just a few weeks ago, "I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to loose you in my life."

Now, if I had changed, and been this or that ... .he wouldn't have left.

All I wanted to say was "You've got to be kidding me. You cheated. You lied. You did XYZ... .but I couldn't. I just listened and apologized. I figured it would help, but he was just as angry.

I'm second guessing my responses. Maybe I should have been mean. Maybe I should have been shorter.

Such a mind $%#@.

[Caredverymuch]

I just wish he didn't hate me. During our conversation he was so hurtful. I didn't use that time to throw things back in his face, I simply apologized.

He told me that I only want to talk when its convenient for me, that I never cared and that everything was always about me. That he changed so much (which he did for a short while) but the lies were always present and that I did not change like he asked.

I could not. He ALWAYS needed my help. It seems like he wanted to be in control (NPD) but have me to have all the responsibility and accountability. It can't happen. So, I may have "mothered" him a bit, but during our relationship his life was finally on the up swing.

In just the short while we've been broken up, he's already back to his old ways which will ultimately lead to his demise.

I guess I just don't understand why he's so angry at me. It hurts that he truly hates me now after all of our time together.

Your ex is disregulated.   He has a disorder that makes r/s esp difficult. What is your understanding of projection?

[lovethebeach]

How long do they stay disregulated for?

He projects onto me his negative feelings, so that he doesn't have to feel them?

Is he at all aware of his part in the demise of our relationship?

[Caredverymuch]

It was weird because when we used to argue and I would "leave" he would apologize and take responsibility.

Now that he officially left, it's all my fault. I remember him saying just a few weeks ago, "I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to loose you in my life."

Now, if I had changed, and been this or that ... .he wouldn't have left.

All I wanted to say was "You've got to be kidding me. You cheated. You lied. You did XYZ... .but I couldn't. I just listened and apologized. I figured it would help, but he was just as angry.

I'm second guessing my responses. Maybe I should have been mean. Maybe I should have been shorter.

Such a mind $%#@.

Do you understand that nothing you could "do" would change his disorder? I realize how shocked and hurt you are.  I was you. Your situation was my own.  I have been there. I understand the confusion and hurt. So hard.

Please look at the various communication techniques that partners use in these types of r/s on the staying board as well as the workshops offered here.

[lovethebeach]

I'm willing to read anything/everything! Although, staying may not help because we are no longer together/will never be again.

It's hard because he was never officially diagnosed. But fits it to a T... .

How long do they stay disregulated for?

He projects onto me his negative feelings, so that he doesn't have to feel them?

Is he at all aware of his part in the demise of our relationship?

[Caredverymuch]

How long do they stay disregulated for?

He projects onto me his negative feelings, so that he doesn't have to feel them?

Is he at all aware of his part in the demise of our relationship?

Yes, he does project his shameful feelings on you.  There you have it.  :)o you understand why he does this?  :)o you deserve this and more importantly, do you want to remain in a r/s w someone who may continue to do this.  Are you strong enough to depersonalize these behaviors and stop "rescuing" him, which will only allow him to move the goal posts further and further and further?

No. He he is not aware of the demise of your r/s. He is disregulated and likely focused on new ( temporary) need based supply.

[lovethebeach]

Thank you for your quick response!

I'm not entirely sure why he does it other than that it's easier for him.

I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer. I don't deserve any of that.

And you are right, the behaviors got worse throughout the relationship. Every time I was there, it kept escalating. Although, everything from the secret Craigslist account to the lying about his whereabouts occurred in three weeks.

Do they stop disregulating? I believe I've already been replaced ... .which hurts deeply.

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you for your quick response!

I'm not entirely sure why he does it other than that it's easier for him.

I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer. I don't deserve any of that.

And you are right, the behaviors got worse throughout the relationship. Every time I was there, it kept escalating. Although, everything from the secret Craigslist account to the lying about his whereabouts occurred in three weeks.

Do they stop disregulating? I believe I've already been replaced ... .which hurts deeply.

They seem to do better in r/s where firm boundaries are in place as well as predictability and structure. Bpd/Npd r/s partners tend to fare "well" depending on your definition of "well" as they both have different yet complimentary pd's that yoke and avoid intimacy. Everything that we feel they want and need: rescuing, unconditional love, full availability, closeness, adoration, saving behaviors, lose boundaries and loss acceptance of "rules/boundaries",  sexual intimacy... .all of this that they very much want sets the disorder in bloom.

This disregulates them: Splitting. Dissociation. Replacing, Projection in reaction to confrontation for accountability. Abandoning first, Blaming, Narcissistic traits, triangulation.

Rescuing/enabling partners/codependants/caregiving partners are often met with behaviors that move the goal posts further each time while imposing immense

emotional hurt and anxiety.

If you want to truly move on, don't engage and take care of you. 

[lovethebeach]

So, it makes perfect sense that he bolted when I confronted him about his lying?

He never bolted previously... .But, I'm guessing the 3rd time in 3 weeks was too much?

I definitely wasn't expecting it, as I said I thought we were trying to work on things.

[Caredverymuch]

So, it makes perfect sense that he bolted when I confronted him about his lying?

He never bolted previously... .But, I'm guessing the 3rd time in 3 weeks was too much?

I definitely wasn't expecting it, as I said I thought we were trying to work on things.

I wouldn't term any of these behaviors as making perfect sense, rather

, characteristic of the disorder. 

Does it make perfect sense to cheat on a partner who has given and supported and cared as unwaveringly as we both have done in our r/s?  No. It does not.

If you are able to apply the behaviors to the disorder and depersonalize, what you may glimmer is that your partner has split you black and replaced you w a "non threatening" other/ need supply by way of an unconscious coping mechanism as a result of engulfment.

Your way of working on things does not work well in this type of r/s.

You are at a point of making an important decision. About YOU. Not him.

Are you self aware and self protective enough to put up a non negotiable boundary and let him go right now ?  Do you understand, as I did not at your very piont , that there is a very real need to stop rescuing and to turn the ship right now, to take care of you?

[lovethebeach]

It's just difficult because I feel as though he already made that decision.

He left. He's gone. He hasn't tried to contact me and every time I tried he was cold and distant. When he called, as I said he was screaming and seemed so angry and hurtful.

I'm not going to continue to contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted.

It's difficult to de-personalize, but I'm trying. You're saying that he ran because he felt "too close" to me after I caught him lying again?

He's not consciously aware that he's doing these things?

He's aware that he now "hates" me.

Caredverymuch, what is your advice going forward? I feel so lost and confused and hurt.

[EaglesJuju]

It's just difficult because I feel as though he already made that decision.

He left. He's gone. He hasn't tried to contact me and every time I tried he was cold and distant. When he called, as I said he was screaming and seemed so angry and hurtful.

I'm not going to continue to contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted.

It's difficult to de-personalize, but I'm trying. You're saying that he ran because he felt "too close" to me after I caught him lying again?

He's not consciously aware that he's doing these things?

He's aware that he now "hates" me.

Caredverymuch, what is your advice going forward? I feel so lost and confused and hurt.

PwBPD many times do know what they are doing but,  do not understand why they are doing it.  In my opinion, he ran because he was so full of shame. Fleeing is easier for them to forget about and not deal with their shame/bad feelings etc.  PwBPD have issues with taking responsibility for their actions.  It is easier for them to get a new supply. Therefore as a result of their denial of responsibility,  you are associated with their "bad feelings" and are the cause of it.  As most people on here will tell you, maintain NC and focus on yourself.  Understand that their behavior is not your fault.  Engage in things that make you happy. 

[lovethebeach]

He always apologized, this time it was completely different.

He twisted everything back onto me.

At this point, is it fair to say ... .that nothing I say or do will change his viewpoint on the situation? That he's completely gone?

[Raybo48]

He always apologized, this time it was completely different.

He twisted everything back onto me.

At this point, is it fair to say ... .that nothing I say or do will change his viewpoint on the situation? That he's completely gone?

In my own experience with my ex I found that trying to reason with her or change her viewpoint on anything when she was deregulating was a fruitless effort.  It's like you saying the sky is blue and they look and say no it's not it's red.   It becomes a very draining, unfulfilling situation where you very likely will not come out on top.   Often times when my ex was in one of her rages she would 'kitchen sink me".  I like that term and it means she would throw everything she could at me (except for the old kitchen sink)  from the past and present that happened so I would just end up defending myself.  

Do you really want to do that to yourself?  I suggest trying to heal and think about you right now, not him.   The odds are that he is not thinking about you if he has a supply (temporary) that is keeping him busy.

[lovethebeach]

It's not as if I want the relationship back, even though I do miss him.

I think I just want some kind of acknowledgement that it mattered... .that all of our time and memories together mean something.

To feel that he doesn't hate me and can at least appreciate the time we spent together. I don't want to feel as if someone who I love and care deeply about, hates me.

It just sucks.

[Deeno02]

It's not as if I want the relationship back, even though I do miss him.

I think I just want some kind of acknowledgement that it mattered... .that all of our time and memories together mean something.

To feel that he doesn't hate me and can at least appreciate the time we spent together. I don't want to feel as if someone who I love and care deeply about, hates me.

It just sucks.

It does suck... truly does. But it is what it is, and embrace the pain and move on. You will have 5 steps forward, 6 steps back, but you will get stronger. I live by the stages of detachment and flow back and forth as I get clarity on things. And you were/are blinded. Now that Im removed from the host parasite, things pop into my head that I had repressed and I end up shaking my head, thankful to not be around that crap any longer. You will get there too... .

[Raybo48]

It's not as if I want the relationship back, even though I do miss him.

I think I just want some kind of acknowledgement that it mattered... .that all of our time and memories together mean something.

To feel that he doesn't hate me and can at least appreciate the time we spent together. I don't want to feel as if someone who I love and care deeply about, hates me.

It just sucks.

Many members will tell you that you likely won't get closure, which I think is what you are driving at here.  I know I won't get it from my ex and I'm starting to accept that.  

No one wants to be hated either, especially someone you loved and the mere thought of it is very upsetting.  As was explained to you so eloquently by caredverymuch they think differently than we do because of their disorder.  I think the BPD 'hate' is different than our 'hate' because it's driven differently on an emotional dysfunctional level.  Also, remember their emotions are not sustainable.  He may hate you now and could pick up the phone down the road and act like nothing ever happened.  It's happened to many of us including myself and it becomes even more confusing.  

[lovethebeach]

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

[Raybo48]

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

Every time my BPDx contacted me her first words were usually "I missed you" or something along those lines with an I love you thrown in or I think about you every day... You get the picture.    Was it true? Who's to say... I can tell you that after those words were spoken it would hook me back in and it wouldn't take anytime at all for her to be the same exact person she was right before she disappeared.  Vindictive, accusations, the victim, lying, still talking to other guys behind my back at the very least, etc, etc.    

He remembers, but it's his version of things.  

[sirensong65]

I have been on and off these boards since my own crash and burn in the summer of last year.  It has taken me a full year of time, therapy and mourning to FINALLY wake the hell up and move forward.

What I want to say to you is this.  It doesn't matter if it meant anything to him.  If he is mad at you, painted you black, painted you purple.  What matters is that you realize what has happened.  Take it at face value, don't color it with a pretty brush, etc.

REALITY:  Their feelings and thoughts are fleeting.  You meant something to him at the time, that time is past.  You served a purpose.  Now someone else is serving the need.  I know this is painful to accept.  It was for me too.  I was suicidal over my ex and if you knew me you would have been stunned at how low I got. So I know all too well where you are.

But understand that it IS the way it IS.  Mine called off a wedding two days prior.  In the end, he said to me after one recycle (or what I thought was a recycle) "thanks for the sex and good company... "  WTH?  I answered, "what in hell are you saying, you said you missed me, love me... ".  His response was, "look sometimes things don't work out.  I miss you sometimes, but I should have told you before that I just don't FEEL deeply for people, I can't get attached.  Nothing personal, it just never works out for me.  I like the dating sites and the attention.  I get winks and women chat me up and tell me I'm good looking and it's a rush... "

This from the man that RUSHED a relationship with me.  That said on date three that if I wasn't willing to entertain marriage, he couldn't see me anymore.  That his life had been so much drama and he had been taken advantage of so many times and he only wants a partner and a stable life!  I gave him that and much more and come to find out he was cheating on some level from the time I met him. Hell, I was the replacement and didn't know it!  He was on a dating site claiming to be single when he was sleeping with and dating another gal he promptly dumped as soon  as he got me firmly hooked.  He slept with her until the third week of seeing me. And how did he end it with her?  He told her he wasn't financially stable enough to be with her.  She was TOO GOOD for him to be with.  He wanted to step away and get his house in order and he would circle back around.  Really?

Look, they are all basically the same. Its like they get issued a damn playbook or something at birth.

Right now my focus (and yours should be as well, by the way) is to work on me.  I am not dating or looking in any way shape or form.  Once I figured this all out and took a glance over my shoulder I realized this wasn't my first rodeo with this type of guy. And my childhood issues had left a scent on me the PD types can smell 100 miles away.

Get a therapist.  best advice I could give.  Allow yourself to mourn.  lean on friends that won't judge and will allow you to vent and/or grieve on YOUR timeline as these relationships are unlike anything else and the grieving period is longer.

READ, READ, READ.  Renew interest in old hobbies or create new ones.  Reinvent yourself.  Use this to grow YOU better, not leave you broken and bitter.

And most importantly, understand you can't fix him and it take a miracle to fix these people if at all.  Ask any therapist worth their salt about recovery rates for BPD individuals and they will tell you they would rather walk in traffic than have them as patients.  They lie and manipulate the way we take a breath.  It just comes naturally.

I wish you luck.  The road ahead is rocky.  But trust me, if I can walk back into the light, so can you.  Love yourself more than you loved him.  Put you FIRST>

[sirensong65]

Ilovethebeach, please realize you are NOT dealing with a person centered in reality. 

They thrive and get high on the honeymoon phase, when things are fresh and new.  You don't see the crazy they have tucked in, it is all roses and rainbows and the passion is at it's peak.  Once we settle in for the long haul and things settle down period, that is about the time their masks falls off. NOW we see what we really bought and they HATE IT.  We don't think sunshine comes out their ass anymore, things get into a routine and lo and behold we love them in spite of what we see.  What?  Now they really get turned off.  What the quote from Groucho Marxs, "I would never be in a club that would have me as a member?"  They are repulsed that we would still want them seeing what we see and they know that isn't all THE WORST IS STILL BURIED.  So, they bolt for the new supply. Someone who will walk blindly into the sunshine blazing out their ass... .

[lovethebeach]

Raybo,

I feel so helpless... .like there is nothing I can do. It bothers me knowing he's seeing someone else... .even though its not on social media. I don't think he wants his family to know, since they adored me and it's only been two weeks. But, he must be because he never went more than an hour or two without texting and its been 14 days.

I can't believe everything is my fault... .in his head. It's mind boggling because all I want to do is call/text and scream, although I know that won't get me anywhere.

SirenSong:

Wow. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. Everything you say rings so true. The beginning was amazing. Everything was amazing until I graduated college, and moved home ... .so we became 3 hours away from one another. Even though we saw each other virtually every weekend, it wasn't enough. He was apparently messaging other women on Craigslist for "fantasy."

He said it made him feel like a POS for doing it, but he never knew why he did it and he couldnt give me an explanation. Still I decided after much crying and pleading on his part ... .that I would stay and try to work on things. Then just two weeks later, he bolted once I caught him in another lie.

Did you ex ever contact you again? Did you ever contact him?

Ethan was the most persistent man I have ever met in order to date me. Romantic and sensitive. Our relationship survived more than most, in just the two years we were together.

He's still on mind mind every minute. I keep replaying the things he said and our memories together.

[Deeno02]

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

I dont know... .yet. Shes with the new guy enjoying the new supply of idealization, and being rescued by him from me, so I doubt she's giving me a second thought right now. Whatever... .

[Raybo48]

I have been on and off these boards since my own crash and burn in the summer of last year.  It has taken me a full year of time, therapy and mourning to FINALLY wake the hell up and move forward.

What I want to say to you is this.  It doesn't matter if it meant anything to him.  If he is mad at you, painted you black, painted you purple.  What matters is that you realize what has happened.  Take it at face value, don't color it with a pretty brush, etc.

REALITY:  Their feelings and thoughts are fleeting.  You meant something to him at the time, that time is past.  You served a purpose.  Now someone else is serving the need.  I know this is painful to accept.  It was for me too.  I was suicidal over my ex and if you knew me you would have been stunned at how low I got. So I know all too well where you are.

But understand that it IS the way it IS.  Mine called off a wedding two days prior.  In the end, he said to me after one recycle (or what I thought was a recycle) "thanks for the sex and good company... "  WTH?  I answered, "what in hell are you saying, you said you missed me, love me... ".  His response was, "look sometimes things don't work out.  I miss you sometimes, but I should have told you before that I just don't FEEL deeply for people, I can't get attached.  Nothing personal, it just never works out for me.  I like the dating sites and the attention.  I get winks and women chat me up and tell me I'm good looking and it's a rush... "

This from the man that RUSHED a relationship with me.  That said on date three that if I wasn't willing to entertain marriage, he couldn't see me anymore.  That his life had been so much drama and he had been taken advantage of so many times and he only wants a partner and a stable life!  I gave him that and much more and come to find out he was cheating on some level from the time I met him. Hell, I was the replacement and didn't know it!  He was on a dating site claiming to be single when he was sleeping with and dating another gal he promptly dumped as soon  as he got me firmly hooked.  He slept with her until the third week of seeing me. And how did he end it with her?  He told her he wasn't financially stable enough to be with her.  She was TOO GOOD for him to be with.  He wanted to step away and get his house in order and he would circle back around.  Really?

Look, they are all basically the same. Its like they get issued a damn playbook or something at birth.

Right now my focus (and yours should be as well, by the way) is to work on me.  I am not dating or looking in any way shape or form.  Once I figured this all out and took a glance over my shoulder I realized this wasn't my first rodeo with this type of guy. And my childhood issues had left a scent on me the PD types can smell 100 miles away.

Get a therapist.  best advice I could give.  Allow yourself to mourn.  lean on friends that won't judge and will allow you to vent and/or grieve on YOUR timeline as these relationships are unlike anything else and the grieving period is longer.

READ, READ, READ.  Renew interest in old hobbies or create new ones.  Reinvent yourself.  Use this to grow YOU better, not leave you broken and bitter.

And most importantly, understand you can't fix him and it take a miracle to fix these people if at all.  Ask any therapist worth their salt about recovery rates for BPD individuals and they will tell you they would rather walk in traffic than have them as patients.  They lie and manipulate the way we take a breath.  It just comes naturally.

I wish you luck.  The road ahead is rocky.  But trust me, if I can walk back into the light, so can you.  Love yourself more than you loved him.  Put you FIRST>

Well, if this doesn't get me motivated to heal and move on nothing else will.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!   

[lovethebeach]

I appreciate all the input! It helps to not feel so alone during this painful process... .

I think it's safe to say that the general consensus is to do nothing and get on with my life?

I guess there is nothing I can do, to make him see or feel or understand my pain and the last thing I want to do is push him further away. I'll have to deal with "being painted black" and hope that those feelings are fleeting, so I can be at least a distant, good, memory.

At day 14, I think I've finally stopped waiting for him to text/call me. Everytime my phone buzzes, I know it's not and won't be him.

He's a coward.

[sirensong65]

Yes, he did contact me.  I had blocked him everywhere but LinkedIn and he saw I got a promotion and sent me a message saying, "congratulations... "  This was 9 months after the initial crash and burn.

I did engage, and almost met him.  He said he was "dating someone", and I knew she was the front person but he always has "admirers".  He asked me to just come to his home.  I said, "no way... ."  I knew I would risk being overcome by possible emotion that he so seamlessly plays upon.  When I decided against THAT offer and asked that we meet for coffee, he blew me off.  Why you ask?  Because I wasn't playing the game.

I know if I text him right now and said I wanted to see him, he would gladly have sex with me because it is a rush to him that someone ANYONE wants him.  It's all about HIM and how he NEEDS to be desired.  Sadly, he has performance issues (and we all know that this is to be true with male BPD's when true intimacy is involved.)

So, do I engage with him anymore? No.  I know that no amount of sacrificial virgins you throw into that empty, black soul of his will not soothe the BPD Gods.  He is destined to do this forever.  I contacted the last three girlfriends before me after we split for closure.  It was brutal but healing for all of us to hear that he did the exact same thing to all of us.  Right down to what he says in bed, the facial expressions, the lies... .all of it.  A well crafted, time tested game of lies he is LIVING.  This IS his reality.  He will die and old man alone, or with someone who just allows him to spoon feed them his garbage and this too will make him disgusted and depressed... .good, I hope it does.  I'm not bitter really, but he has enough where with all to know he does what he does.  He has had moments of total transparency where he has said the most disturbing and cruel facts in a matter of fact manner.  Like a serial killer,it is just what they do. Except instead of physical murder, they just murder the hearts and souls of kind people with no boundaries.  And they look at us as the problem.  Sure they level the boom, but we let them.  Therefore, they feel we had it coming.

I'm done being a victim... I'm focusing on the VICTORY.

[Caredverymuch]

I appreciate all the input! It helps to not feel so alone during this painful process... .

I think it's safe to say that the general consensus is to do nothing and get on with my life?

I guess there is nothing I can do, to make him see or feel or understand my pain and the last thing I want to do is push him further away. I'll have to deal with "being painted black" and hope that those feelings are fleeting, so I can be at least a distant, good, memory.

At day 14, I think I've finally stopped waiting for him to text/call me. Everytime my phone buzzes, I know it's not and won't be him.

He's a coward.

I realize you are hurt and shocked.  I have been right where you are.  Just shocked and asking the very same questions.  Over and over.

Are you able to see that your giving him power over your happiness?  That your happiness depends on his happiness? On " fixing" him. 

What do you think you will gain from this r/s, with the shared experiences of so many members here recanting how things went with each recycle.

You asked me what you should do.  I will first ask you, what is it you want?  Not for him.  For you.

You must remember that we all want/wanted the idealization  back. That man/ woman.   This is when we nons began to feel love.  But that phase is not coming back.  For any of us.

So, in knowing how much work this type of r/s would be and what you would have to tolerate given the chance to recycle,  tell me what you want.

[Deeno02]

I have been on and off these boards since my own crash and burn in the summer of last year.  It has taken me a full year of time, therapy and mourning to FINALLY wake the hell up and move forward.

What I want to say to you is this.  It doesn't matter if it meant anything to him.  If he is mad at you, painted you black, painted you purple.  What matters is that you realize what has happened.  Take it at face value, don't color it with a pretty brush, etc.

REALITY:  Their feelings and thoughts are fleeting.  You meant something to him at the time, that time is past.  You served a purpose.  Now someone else is serving the need.  I know this is painful to accept.  It was for me too.  I was suicidal over my ex and if you knew me you would have been stunned at how low I got. So I know all too well where you are.

But understand that it IS the way it IS.  Mine called off a wedding two days prior.  In the end, he said to me after one recycle (or what I thought was a recycle) "thanks for the sex and good company... "  WTH?  I answered, "what in hell are you saying, you said you missed me, love me... ".  His response was, "look sometimes things don't work out.  I miss you sometimes, but I should have told you before that I just don't FEEL deeply for people, I can't get attached.  Nothing personal, it just never works out for me.  I like the dating sites and the attention.  I get winks and women chat me up and tell me I'm good looking and it's a rush... "

This from the man that RUSHED a relationship with me.  That said on date three that if I wasn't willing to entertain marriage, he couldn't see me anymore.  That his life had been so much drama and he had been taken advantage of so many times and he only wants a partner and a stable life!  I gave him that and much more and come to find out he was cheating on some level from the time I met him. Hell, I was the replacement and didn't know it!  He was on a dating site claiming to be single when he was sleeping with and dating another gal he promptly dumped as soon  as he got me firmly hooked.  He slept with her until the third week of seeing me. And how did he end it with her?  He told her he wasn't financially stable enough to be with her.  She was TOO GOOD for him to be with.  He wanted to step away and get his house in order and he would circle back around.  Really?

Look, they are all basically the same. Its like they get issued a damn playbook or something at birth.

Right now my focus (and yours should be as well, by the way) is to work on me.  I am not dating or looking in any way shape or form.  Once I figured this all out and took a glance over my shoulder I realized this wasn't my first rodeo with this type of guy. And my childhood issues had left a scent on me the PD types can smell 100 miles away.

Get a therapist.  best advice I could give.  Allow yourself to mourn.  lean on friends that won't judge and will allow you to vent and/or grieve on YOUR timeline as these relationships are unlike anything else and the grieving period is longer.

READ, READ, READ.  Renew interest in old hobbies or create new ones.  Reinvent yourself.  Use this to grow YOU better, not leave you broken and bitter.

And most importantly, understand you can't fix him and it take a miracle to fix these people if at all.  Ask any therapist worth their salt about recovery rates for BPD individuals and they will tell you they would rather walk in traffic than have them as patients.  They lie and manipulate the way we take a breath.  It just comes naturally.

I wish you luck.  The road ahead is rocky.  But trust me, if I can walk back into the light, so can you.  Love yourself more than you loved him.  Put you FIRST>

This is the best thing I have read in a while... .Thanks Siren... .

[lovethebeach]

Siren:

That was so powerful and moving.

Was your ex every officially diagnosed?

Ethan never was, although he fits it to a T. I too believe that he will continue to repeat the cycle again and again.

It just hurts because we had all these plans and dreams together. I couldn't have asked for a better relationship and in a matter of a month, it all went to #$%.

I wish I was at your point, where I didn't want to initiate contact.  After all, we spoke 24/7 for two years down to zero contact. Like I said earlier, I tried and got no where and our last phone conversation he was viscious and mean. Splitting. Projection. Blaming. Lies.

I know somewhere deep inside that he does care, but I just don't think he can show it any longer after the shame and the guilt that he is repressing.

I hate that this is what it's all come down too. I feel like I didn't matter, and like it didn't matter.

Caredtoomuch:

I want to be happy again. It's hard to not allow him to effect my happiness after the way things ended... .so badly. It was like he was a different person on the phone... .someone who I didn't know.

I know regardless of any of my behavior, I deserve better than someone who could create a secret e-mail account, message women on Craigslist and continuously lie to me. I deserve to be in a relationship with mutual trust and he has destroyed that.

This would be SO MUCH easier to deal with if I felt as if he cared, even in the slightest.

[outside9x]

Hi lovethe beach,

I only read the 1st 4 or 5 texts back and they are excellent and true. and oh by the way caugh my exBPDgf red handed and very active on the dating site by acccident and they just deflect etc, like others say and start into you.  They can't take blame.  Can't deal with truth but want it from you but then they start projection there stuff on you, which is insane but hurtful .

Hang in there!  :)ump him, I know you are so much in love with him but he cannot love no matter what he says.  

Plus more importantly, that's not love.  Think is this what you imagine love to be like.  Was this your dream.  You are now addicted and tryign to prove to him you love him, because he is pushing back and now accusing you of this or that.  It's terrible, and you feel you need to show him he not lookign at it right.  He is, trust me, in his own distorted way.  It;s not healthy or loving trust me and trust you intuition.  You emotions right now, like mine at times, are just not seeing it correctly.  

[sirensong65]

No, not formally diagnosed with BPD but after we were done he was diagnosed SCREAMING Bi Polar (his words).  He also has ADD.  I have found in my reading on this subject the comorbidity rates with Bi Polar and ADD or ADHD are very high.  After I read on BPD I mentioned it to him and he even agreed he DOES fit the profile.

The dating sites, facebook, basically this new technology playground the internet has created is a field day for these people.  PLENTY of supply, a way to appear to be anyway they chose, and the ability to seek it out all from the comfort of their homes undetected.  He was and is a selfie KING.  As a matter of fact, when he got back in touch, the first damn thing he did was send me a selfie?  I was like, "what the hell is this?"  He responded, "oh just a goofy picture I took the other day (and you can bet has been circulating through his fan club... )".  He then said, "send me one."  To which I responded, why?  you know what I look like and I know what you look like... .what's the point?"  Again... .he went dead for a day or two... .wounded that I didn't give him the gratification his pathetic soul is searching for.

I don't think about who he is dating, other than to feel pity cause she has NO IDEA where she's headed.  I keep myself public on facebook just in case one of the cast offs is wise like I was and remembers the exes names (cause he spills ALL) and searches me up.  I want to be able to pay it forward cause without each other, none of the four of us exes would have come out of this the way we did.  Knowledge is power.  Knowing about BPD and that we were not at fault or bad partners was the first step in reclaiming ourselves.

[Raybo48]

No, not formally diagnosed with BPD but after we were done he was diagnosed SCREAMING Bi Polar (his words).  He also has ADD.  I have found in my reading on this subject the comorbidity rates with Bi Polar and ADD or ADHD are very high.  After I read on BPD I mentioned it to him and he even agreed he DOES fit the profile.

The dating sites, facebook, basically this new technology playground the internet has created is a field day for these people.  PLENTY of supply, a way to appear to be anyway they chose, and the ability to seek it out all from the comfort of their homes undetected.  He was and is a selfie KING.  As a matter of fact, when he got back in touch, the first damn thing he did was send me a selfie?  I was like, "what the hell is this?"  He responded, "oh just a goofy picture I took the other day (and you can bet has been circulating through his fan club... )".  He then said, "send me one."  To which I responded, why?  you know what I look like and I know what you look like... .what's the point?"  Again... .he went dead for a day or two... .wounded that I didn't give him the gratification his pathetic soul is searching for.

I don't think about who he is dating, other than to feel pity cause she has NO IDEA where she's headed.  I keep myself public on facebook just in case one of the cast offs is wise like I was and remembers the exes names (cause he spills ALL) and searches me up.  I want to be able to pay it forward cause without each other, none of the four of us exes would have come out of this the way we did.  Knowledge is power.  Knowing about BPD and that we were not at fault or bad partners was the first step in reclaiming ourselves.

This is exactly what my BPDx does ALL-DAY-LONG...  I knew when I met her something was off with the tremendous amount of guy friends on her Facebook... Then guess what happened after I questioned her about it?  She hid the ability for anyone to see her friends on there.  Facebook is a virtual match.com for these people and a perfect way to paint their FALSE SELF any way they want to.   They meet people on the dating sites and then their friends on FB increase ten fold because hey if you can't date all of them might as well have attention/supply from them right?  It makes me sick when I think about it.    She actually tried to get back with me three weeks ago and even told me she was on those sites and she still expected me to recue her and fly out to AZ from Chicago.  When I flipped my lid and told her sorry she painted me  black as the ace of spades and threatened a restraining order on me a week later!   I thought good I'm off her radar now so I can heal, but nope.  She got drunk (horrible alcoholic) and called me this past Sunday twice.  I didn't answer, but then she went off on her Facebook about me stalking her and posted my picture up there twice and had all her FB friends supporting her for having such a psycho exboyfriend!  Then she deleted the entire post a couple hours later.  

[lovethebeach]

God. I opened my old e-mail account which had backed up all of our messages from months ago.

Now, I'm crying my eyes out and just want to call him. I miss him so much it hurts.

All of the time in the military, and everyday of him telling me "he knows he needs help" "I've always been what he needed."

How did we get here? How did this happen?

2 Steps forward, 1 step back.

[Deeno02]

God. I opened my old e-mail account which had backed up all of our messages from months ago.

Now, I'm crying my eyes out and just want to call him. I miss him so much it hurts.

All of the time in the military, and everyday of him telling me "he knows he needs help" "I've always been what he needed."

How did we get here? How did this happen?

2 Steps forward, 1 step back.

Delete, block, delete... .rinse and repeat as necessary. Same thing happened to me. I read them, blew snot bubbles over them and deleted them. Mission accomplished. It hurt, not gonna lie, but it had to be done.

[lovethebeach]

How is it that the same person who said all of those things to me? Needed to be in constant contact with me. Couldn't live without me... .

Is now the same person who is perfectly fine without me?

Who is as cold as stone and doesnt seem to care.

[Raybo48]

God. I opened my old e-mail account which had backed up all of our messages from months ago.

Now, I'm crying my eyes out and just want to call him. I miss him so much it hurts.

All of the time in the military, and everyday of him telling me "he knows he needs help" "I've always been what he needed."

How did we get here? How did this happen?

2 Steps forward, 1 step back.

I deleted all her pictures, every email we ever exchanged, tossed out anything she ever gave to me, deleted all texts and it still hurts like a B... .You need to get rid of all that stuff or it just prolongs the pain.   

[lovethebeach]

How I wish we could just re-wind time to those moments.

What happened to it all? How did we get here? There was once so much between us.

It's all gone. I plan to go to the post office tomorrow to send his things back.

[Deeno02]

How is it that the same person who said all of those things to me? Needed to be in constant contact with me. Couldn't live without me... .

Is now the same person who is perfectly fine without me?

Who is as cold as stone and doesnt seem to care.

Again LTB, its an illness. They are not wired like us at all. Im sorry, thats just how it rolls. I cant make sense of it either, no one can. They are so time consuming and exhaustive that they suck the life right out of you. Mine said horrible things about my kids! Who does that!... .They do, thats who.

[Raybo48]

How I wish we could just re-wind time to those moments.

What happened to it all? How did we get here? There was once so much between us.

It's all gone. I plan to go to the post office tomorrow to send his things back.

I personally wouldn't mail anything back to him because that is considered contact.  If you want to be NC that means every form of contact.  Plus as many of us have attested to the BPDx is extremely unpredictable and you don't know how he will take that.  They can twist even the most innocent gesture around and be a victim.   I thought about sending my BPDx flowers... She lives at her mothers house in AZ, but the thought crossed my mind that she could easily accuse me of stalking by knowing where her mother lived so forget that mess.

I suggest letting all this settle in and don't do anything right now related to him... You need to think about YOU.

[lovethebeach]

I would, but he sent me money to mail his things back since we live 3 hours apart.

So, I don't have much of a choice... .

[bruceli]

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

Every time my BPDx contacted me her first words were usually "I missed you" or something along those lines with an I love you thrown in or I think about you every day.. You get the picture.    Was it true? Who's to say... I can tell you that after those words were spoken it would hook me back in and it wouldn't take anytime at all for her to be the same exact person she was right before she disappeared.  Vindictive, accusations, the victim, lying, still talking to other guys behind my back at the very least, etc, etc.    

He remembers, but it's his version of things.  

I would think that in order for one to contact someone, a thought about that person would need to be generated.  Now, if it is everyday?  In my case I believe it is.  As many have stated here, I believe the same is what keeps them at bay.

[Raybo48]

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

Every time my BPDx contacted me her first words were usually "I missed you" or something along those lines with an I love you thrown in or I think about you every day.. You get the picture.    Was it true? Who's to say... I can tell you that after those words were spoken it would hook me back in and it wouldn't take anytime at all for her to be the same exact person she was right before she disappeared.  Vindictive, accusations, the victim, lying, still talking to other guys behind my back at the very least, etc, etc.    

He remembers, but it's his version of things.  

I would think that in order for one to contact someone, a thought about that person would need to be generated.  Now, if it is everyday?  In my case I believe it is.  As many have stated here, I believe the same is what keeps them at bay.

Interesting way to think about it.  I have come to accept the fact that there is no way I'm on her radar much of the time, just one more thing to process and deal with emotionally.

[outside9x]

I miss him. I miss us. The memories keep flooding back. We had so many amazing times together. But, in truth I don't think I could take him back I want him to care and show that but I don't think I'll ever get that at this point. I value trust and at this point there just isn't any.

That's just it, even in a normal relationship, and this is way far of normal, you can't teach or ever expect them to love you.  Either they do or they don't and with BPD it's all about their needs, big time, and all the time.  That's why you can never satisfy them.  It's a need they always need constantly to obtain, and the funnier thing (not really ) is they push you away, and that drives us all nuts, doesn't it.

[Mutt]

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