Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 19, 2021, 12:31:33 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Can you ever forgive your BPD ex now you know they were ill?  (Read 5222 times)
slimmiller
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 423



« Reply #30 on: November 06, 2014, 05:33:14 AM »

For the most part I have forgiven mine. Simply due to the fact carrying the burden of hating her/what she did is not worth it.

Buddha said hating someone is like holding a hot rock wanting to burn another with it.

But beyond that, I am not enough of a self effacing Sado to simply pretend what she did and how she is is ok. To really love myself and take care of myself I am p&$sed. I dont care that she is mentally ill, it is still not ok to deviously hurt and abuse like she did. Period. I know many do not share my view and especially the few professional that do understand the disorder coddle her behaviours/actions but thats exactly why it continues to exists in the first place.

I do not expect anyone to agree with me. Its merely my way of dealing with it and yes it is a choice on my part. Its probably the only way I can really move on and protect myself, otherwise she would try and reel me back in
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #31 on: November 06, 2014, 06:39:38 AM »

Sure,  I'd forgive a rabid dog for biting me. Its just sick. That doesn't  mean it should be out there on the street biting everyone it can sink its teeth into. Same difference. The court system needs to educate themselves on BPD !

Well... .the courts just don't care... .and they need to start with dogs first. I got attacked by a pit bull last year and the court system did nothing... .slap on the wrist... .The owner was walking down the street with the dog without a leash days later... .and it was unlicensed and had no shots at the time of the attack... .and in his mind... "I" was the problem.  I was minding my own business in the back of my garage with my back to the door when the beast attacked me... .wait... .this is starting to sound familiar. 
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #32 on: November 06, 2014, 06:51:25 AM »

For the most part I have forgiven mine. Simply due to the fact carrying the burden of hating her/what she did is not worth it.

Buddha said hating someone is like holding a hot rock wanting to burn another with it.

But beyond that, I am not enough of a self effacing Sado to simply pretend what she did and how she is is ok. To really love myself and take care of myself I am p&$sed. I dont care that she is mentally ill, it is still not ok to deviously hurt and abuse like she did. Period. I know many do not share my view and especially the few professional that do understand the disorder coddle her behaviours/actions but thats exactly why it continues to exists in the first place.

I do not expect anyone to agree with me. Its merely my way of dealing with it and yes it is a choice on my part. Its probably the only way I can really move on and protect myself, otherwise she would try and reel me back in

I agree with you. For me it's an emotional struggle moving forward. My problem is knowing that that is what is out there. This person was so emotionally cruel that I just don't ever want to take the chance of going through that again.  I just focus on other things and joys in life. If a woman shows an interest in me... .I just turn and walk away.  No way.

... .and if I am loving me ... .there is absolute NC with that viper who attacked. Absolutely NC, in any way, shape or form.
Logged
camuse
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 453


« Reply #33 on: November 06, 2014, 06:56:44 AM »

I do forgive mine, I feel very sad for her. As Skip sometimes reminds us, we played our part in the r/s, enabling them as co-dependants. We didn't help them, they didn't help us, it was a toxic bond. My ex is what she is, and I am what I am. Difference is, I can self-reflect and change, and she cannot. So I don't hate her, I feel sad for her, but most of all I need to keep away from her and all of her ilk for my own sake.

Hate is pretty pointless really. If I climbed into a lion's dan and got mauled, it would be pretty pointless to hate the lion for being a lion and acting accordingly.
Logged
Lucky One
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164



« Reply #34 on: November 06, 2014, 07:06:18 AM »

For the most part I have forgiven mine. Simply due to the fact carrying the burden of hating her/what she did is not worth it.

Buddha said hating someone is like holding a hot rock wanting to burn another with it.

But beyond that, I am not enough of a self effacing Sado to simply pretend what she did and how she is is ok. To really love myself and take care of myself I am p&$sed. I dont care that she is mentally ill, it is still not ok to deviously hurt and abuse like she did. Period. I know many do not share my view and especially the few professional that do understand the disorder coddle her behaviours/actions but thats exactly why it continues to exists in the first place.

I do not expect anyone to agree with me. Its merely my way of dealing with it and yes it is a choice on my part. Its probably the only way I can really move on and protect myself, otherwise she would try and reel me back in

I agree with you but I'm also aware that others can feel differently.

So we're OK.
Logged
Artisan
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 166


« Reply #35 on: November 06, 2014, 07:19:19 AM »

Forgiveness isn't about the other person... .

It's for self-liberation.

Does this mean we forget? No, once bitten ... .5 millions times shy in the case of BPD.

Yet forgiveness seems to be the path to allowing myself to feel alive again, to not be terrified of women, and to allow the dreams and vitality I had before the relationship to return in full.

The relationship was chaotic enough, it lasted its length of time, HOW LONG IT LASTS WITHIN MY MIND, HEART AND SOUL AFTER LEAVING IS UP TO ME.

Forgiveness allows me to move on.

Logged
going places
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 835



« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2014, 07:22:40 AM »

Forgiveness isn't about the other person... .

It's for self-liberation.

Does this mean we forget? No, once bitten ... .5 millions times shy in the case of BPD.

Yet forgiveness seems to be the path to allowing myself to feel alive again, to not be terrified of women, and to allow the dreams and vitality I had before the relationship to return in full.

Forgiveness for me is opening the prison door of anger resentment bitterness confusion, and hate... .and letting me walk out of that cell, and shut the door on those consuming emotions.

Forget? No, even if I wanted too... .the scars he placed on my brain won't let me.

BUT

I can manage all of that, when I forgive, let go, and look to the future, and not to the past... .

Sometimes its a minute by minute event (forgiveness) but it's for ME!
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #37 on: November 06, 2014, 07:54:12 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  REALLY love everyone's input on this topic... .Assessing the posts is really helping my perspective. THANK YOU ALL!

I have to play devil's advocate with Camuse, though... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

"Hate is pretty pointless really. If I climbed into a lion's dan and got mauled, it would be pretty pointless to hate the lion for being a lion and acting accordingly."

... .no... noo... .I KNOW what a lion is. ... .now there is definitely merit to what you are saying there... .BUT... .I walked into a fragrant flower garden... .where there was a little cuddly kitten that I loved to play with and it with me... .(not to mention the kittens family)... .and then on the spin of a dime ... .I was in a cage with a lion... .

It did a real number on me... .especially trying to make sense out of it... .There just isn't any. Maybe acceptance is as far as I can go... but I walk down the street confused... There is a lion over there... .I better stay away from that... .but is it that cuddly little kitten going to kill me?... .hmmmm... .I just don't know. That's life I guess.

That is how my deep emotional damage occurred. ... .it just made no sense to me, even with my wealth of experience in life... .(that is a polite way to say that I am old Being cool (click to insert in post))
Logged
mywifecrazy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 619


Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #38 on: November 06, 2014, 08:12:47 AM »

An awesome thread and very interesting discussion!

I'm in a Celebrate Recovery group at my church and I'm working on letting go of hate related to my uBPDxw.

Forgiveness for me is all about me! I need to do it to release the hatred that is built up inside of me. Hatred is very powerful and will consume and destroy the person harboring it. It's physically unhealthy as well. The anxiety and stress that comes along with hatred can make one more susceptible to illness as they effect your bodies immune system. Like the previous post so eloquently stated, hatred puts us in a prison cell. It does NOTHING to the person we're hating. My goal in forgiveness is to rid my self of hatred, stress and anxiety... .To free me and to allow me to move forward a much healthier and wiser man. It's all about me, I don't want to be controlled by her anymore!

That being said, Forgiveness doesn't excuse her from her actions, past present and future. That's on her! She has to deal with the consequences of her actions. One consequence is me not talking to her or having her in my life in any way shape or form. Even though we have kids together. That's my healthy boundary and I apologize to no one for it. If she ever decides to change and get help that boundary can be adjusted BY ME. She must prove that she has changed by her actions as her words are meaningless! I leave her up to God. She's his to deal with not me. God grant me the serenity to let go of the things I can't change (uBPDxw) the courage to change the things I can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference.

In the end forgiveness for me means INDIFFERENCE towards my uBPDxw. She just doesn't exist to me good or bad.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)

Logged

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
camuse
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 453


« Reply #39 on: November 06, 2014, 08:36:15 AM »

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  REALLY love everyone's input on this topic... .Assessing the posts is really helping my perspective. THANK YOU ALL!

I have to play devil's advocate with Camuse, though... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

"Hate is pretty pointless really. If I climbed into a lion's dan and got mauled, it would be pretty pointless to hate the lion for being a lion and acting accordingly."

... .no... noo... .I KNOW what a lion is. ... .now there is definitely merit to what you are saying there... .BUT... .I walked into a fragrant flower garden... .where there was a little cuddly kitten that I loved to play with and it with me... .(not to mention the kittens family)... .and then on the spin of a dime ... .I was in a cage with a lion... .

It did a real number on me... .especially trying to make sense out of it... .There just isn't any. Maybe acceptance is as far as I can go... but I walk down the street confused... There is a lion over there... .I better stay away from that... .but is it that cuddly little kitten going to kill me?... .hmmmm... .I just don't know. That's life I guess.

That is how my deep emotional damage occurred. ... .it just made no sense to me, even with my wealth of experience in life... .(that is a polite way to say that I am old Being cool (click to insert in post))

Fair point Smiling (click to insert in post)

But my kitten does indeed lure me in then bite me from time to time :D

I don't think our exes made a conscious decision to hurt us so much, they probably don't understand why we feel so bad, why we cant just walk away as they do. They don't empathise or experience these feelings, so how can they understand?

Maybe I'm wrong and I should wish her as much misery as possible? But what is the point? I was in the relationship voluntarily, at the end of the day. Why bother hating someone who hates themselves more than you ever can?

Ultimately, hate, forgive, get revenge, whatever, it makes no difference - it happened, and all that matters now is what are YOU going to do from now on?
Logged
peiper
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 805



« Reply #40 on: November 06, 2014, 08:43:15 AM »

Sure,  I'd forgive a rabid dog for biting me. Its just sick. That doesn't  mean it should be out there on the street biting everyone it can sink its teeth into. Same difference. The court system needs to educate themselves on BPD !

Well... .the courts just don't care... .and they need to start with dogs first. I got attacked by a pit bull last year and the court system did nothing... .slap on the wrist... .The owner was walking down the street with the dog without a leash days later... .and it was unlicensed and had no shots at the time of the attack... .and in his mind... "I" was the problem.  I was minding my own business in the back of my garage with my back to the door when the beast attacked me... .wait... .this is starting to sound familiar. 

That does sound familiar Laugh out loud (click to insert in post),, I've still got the bite marks !
Logged
Raybo48
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 413



« Reply #41 on: November 06, 2014, 08:49:46 AM »

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  REALLY love everyone's input on this topic... .Assessing the posts is really helping my perspective. THANK YOU ALL!

I have to play devil's advocate with Camuse, though... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

"Hate is pretty pointless really. If I climbed into a lion's dan and got mauled, it would be pretty pointless to hate the lion for being a lion and acting accordingly."

... .no... noo... .I KNOW what a lion is. ... .now there is definitely merit to what you are saying there... .BUT... .I walked into a fragrant flower garden... .where there was a little cuddly kitten that I loved to play with and it with me... .(not to mention the kittens family)... .and then on the spin of a dime ... .I was in a cage with a lion... .

It did a real number on me... .especially trying to make sense out of it... .There just isn't any. Maybe acceptance is as far as I can go... but I walk down the street confused... There is a lion over there... .I better stay away from that... .but is it that cuddly little kitten going to kill me?... .hmmmm... .I just don't know. That's life I guess.

That is how my deep emotional damage occurred. ... .it just made no sense to me, even with my wealth of experience in life... .(that is a polite way to say that I am old Being cool (click to insert in post))

Fair point Smiling (click to insert in post)

But my kitten does indeed lure me in then bite me from time to time :D

I don't think our exes made a conscious decision to hurt us so much, they probably don't understand why we feel so bad, why we cant just walk away as they do. They don't empathise or experience these feelings, so how can they understand?

Maybe I'm wrong and I should wish her as much misery as possible? But what is the point? I was in the relationship voluntarily, at the end of the day. Why bother hating someone who hates themselves more than you ever can?

Ultimately, hate, forgive, get revenge, whatever, it makes no difference - it happened, and all that matters now is what are YOU going to do from now on?

Very valid points you make here and there is no doubt they hate themselves more than anyone hates them.   I personally don't think they remember half the stuff they do.  Some may call it selective memory, but some of the behavior and the outbursts just don't show up on the radar a few days after its done.  I think so much dysfunction is going on in their mind and so many emotions are changing so rapidly there is no way to remember all the stuff that they do.  That compounded by a major addiction like my BPDx has, it's hard not to have a shred of compassion.

I agree with the earlier post... Gotta let the hate go for yourself, not for them.  
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10276



WWW
« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2014, 09:13:59 AM »

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?

No... .I feel like I have to forgive myself for ever getting into a relationship with her.

I was damaged so badly emotionally I don't ever want to see her or talk to her again.

It would just be more lies and abuse. Disease or not.

I will forgive him for what he did to me and the kids... .

Because forgiveness is NOT for him, but for me.

To release ME from the prison of anger, bitterness, and bottled up rage.

Once I forgive, completely, I will be free.

Make NO mistake, forgiveness is NOT pretending it didn't happen, or making excuses for why it did happen.

Forgiveness is NOT his 'free pass' to treat me like garbage.

I can completely forgive him AND never talk to him again in my life.

And that would be wonderful!

I don't know that I can ever do that. Without the person showing ANY remorse or even the slightest  sign that they treated you so poorly, forgiveness is very difficult. I have gotten to the point of acceptance from coming to this site and doing a lot of reading. I can finally accept that this person is very ill. There is no other explanation for their behavior. That amount of self-centeredness and vindictiveness is difficult to actually comprehend and finally accept that it exists.  I now know that it does. I lived through it. Maybe some day I can come to peace with it and forgive... .but I just can never have any contact with that person again. I just couldn't take that chance. They most likely have not changed and I can find no reason, if I love myself, to interact with them. The emotional damage was great.

Sure,  I'd forgive a rabid dog for biting me. Its just sick. That doesn't  mean it should be out there on the street biting everyone it can sink its teeth into. Same difference. The court system needs to educate themselves on BPD !

Well... .the courts just don't care... .and they need to start with dogs first. I got attacked by a pit bull last year and the court system did nothing... .slap on the wrist... .The owner was walking down the street with the dog without a leash days later... .and it was unlicensed and had no shots at the time of the attack... .and in his mind... "I" was the problem.  I was minding my own business in the back of my garage with my back to the door when the beast attacked me... .wait... .this is starting to sound familiar. 

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  REALLY love everyone's input on this topic... .Assessing the posts is really helping my perspective. THANK YOU ALL!

I have to play devil's advocate with Camuse, though... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

"Hate is pretty pointless really. If I climbed into a lion's dan and got mauled, it would be pretty pointless to hate the lion for being a lion and acting accordingly."

... .no... noo... .I KNOW what a lion is. ... .now there is definitely merit to what you are saying there... .BUT... .I walked into a fragrant flower garden... .where there was a little cuddly kitten that I loved to play with and it with me... .(not to mention the kittens family)... .and then on the spin of a dime ... .I was in a cage with a lion... .

It did a real number on me... .especially trying to make sense out of it... .There just isn't any. Maybe acceptance is as far as I can go... but I walk down the street confused... There is a lion over there... .I better stay away from that... .but is it that cuddly little kitten going to kill me?... .hmmmm... .I just don't know. That's life I guess.

That is how my deep emotional damage occurred. ... .it just made no sense to me, even with my wealth of experience in life... .(that is a polite way to say that I am old Being cool (click to insert in post))

Hi Infared,

I'm sorry your struggling with forgiveness and your playing devils advocate as you say. That said, I think that forgiveness is a worthwhile topic of discussion. Perhaps you can start your own thread to explore your struggles?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #43 on: November 06, 2014, 09:28:36 AM »

We don't need to forgive our exes.  The best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  As we start to shift our focus from the past to the future and from out exes to ourselves, and take steps in the direction of that future, initially as a distraction and a desire for revenge, it stops being a distraction and just becomes our lives.  And as we live life well, newly empowered after graduating BPD school, the emotional energy around our exes and the past fades, so the memory is still there but the emotional energy is gone.  And the memory changes: I no longer see her as a mean, evil, malicious person, I see her as someone who has a very tough road to walk because of the way she's wired and she's doing the best she can with what she has, and what I've learned about the disorder makes all of her behaviors understandable, but it doesn't make them acceptable.
Logged
Aussie JJ
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 866


« Reply #44 on: November 06, 2014, 09:48:40 AM »

Hi Infared,

I'm sorry your struggling with forgiveness and your playing devils advocate as you say. That said, I think that forgiveness is a worthwhile topic of discussion. Perhaps you can start your own thread to explore your struggles?

I have a very specific view on this topic.  Please start it up... .   


AJJ. 
Logged
StayOrLeave15
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 155


« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2014, 12:42:43 PM »

We don't need to forgive our exes.  The best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  As we start to shift our focus from the past to the future and from out exes to ourselves, and take steps in the direction of that future, initially as a distraction and a desire for revenge, it stops being a distraction and just becomes our lives.  And as we live life well, newly empowered after graduating BPD school, the emotional energy around our exes and the past fades, so the memory is still there but the emotional energy is gone.  And the memory changes: I no longer see her as a mean, evil, malicious person, I see her as someone who has a very tough road to walk because of the way she's wired and she's doing the best she can with what she has, and what I've learned about the disorder makes all of her behaviors understandable, but it doesn't make them acceptable.

This is a very insightful post and I really agree.  Rather than taking "revenge" in a malicious way because of the hurt BPDex's have cause we need to focus on bettering ourselves.  It isn't for the purpose of going back and rubbing it in the BPDex's face "Look how great I am doing," but rather for us to move on and be happy in our own lives. 

"Graduating BPD school" - that is a really good catchphrase.  I hope I am on that path to move on with my life. 
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #46 on: November 06, 2014, 01:53:57 PM »

Nope, I have no desire to forgive him. Forgiveness is not something that is on the table for me. I have done quite a bit of reading about forgiving and it all seems like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. In my mind, forgiving somebody almost implies that the behavior was okay. Some things are not okay.

I found this article from Psychology Today that gets at why I have no desire to forgive: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/200803/forgive-or-not-forgive-is-the-question

This paragraph especially:

Excerpt
But as wise as spiritual leaders and therapists are concerning the importance of forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is not possible. Unfortunately, we have not been given permission to choose not to forgive. It is my belief that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, and in some cases may not be the healthiest thing to do. This is especially true when forgiving is tantamount to giving permission to hurt you again.

Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #47 on: November 06, 2014, 06:45:24 PM »

Nope, I have no desire to forgive him. Forgiveness is not something that is on the table for me. I have done quite a bit of reading about forgiving and it all seems like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. In my mind, forgiving somebody almost implies that the behavior was okay. Some things are not okay.

I found this article from Psychology Today that gets at why I have no desire to forgive: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/200803/forgive-or-not-forgive-is-the-question

This paragraph especially:

Excerpt
But as wise as spiritual leaders and therapists are concerning the importance of forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is not possible. Unfortunately, we have not been given permission to choose not to forgive. It is my belief that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, and in some cases may not be the healthiest thing to do. This is especially true when forgiving is tantamount to giving permission to hurt you again.


Yes... .this is how I feel... .  I battle with forgiveness and never talking to someone again.  I conflict with if I forgive, I must interact with the person who I feel attacked me in a totally inappropriate manner. 

At that same time for me... .I feel like I need to protect myself "emotionally".   How do I forgive someone some that I do not feel safe with interacting with in any way.

It is a mental and emotional struggle for me.  I will NOT validate my treatment at this point by putting myself in a vunerable position, which for me would be talking or conversing with this person in any way.   How do I forgive someone who acknowledges no harm done. Someone (although sick) tells lie after lie.  I know it is for me.

I don't think I am holding resentment... .I am just taking care of myself and loving me by simply accepting that this person is who she is (not who I thought she was or who she "tells" me that she is).   This acceptance may have to be enough for me . Janis A. Spring's "How can I forgive you" talks about this very level of acceptance in Part Three of her book.   I immediately identified with what she was describing as I felt that she was putting words to exactly how I feel.

Perhaps someday I can forgive, with no form of contact... I am open to it... .

I see that Mutt has started a new topic which is a continuation of this thread, titled Forgiveness, I think.
Logged
Hope0807
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing & Living Apart
Posts: 417



« Reply #48 on: November 06, 2014, 07:00:42 PM »

I do not feel the need to forgive myself for not wanting to forgive my uBPDexh.  I have also been greatly soothed by a number of great reads recently that let me know that forgiveness is a byproduct only after our own healing is complete…and even then, forgiving the other person is not always necessary.  This was extremely helpful for me, since in my case, I need to heal myself and will only be forgiving of myself (for not knowing better how to follow my gutt instincts) and the extent of his sickness and cruelty will not be in receipt of my compassion nor forgiveness. 

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?

Nope. Im only guilty of loving someone fully, completely. I have nothing to be ashamed of any longer. It was her's to do with what she wanted. She chose to turn me and my kids black. So be it. It hurts, boy does it ever, but I gave all I could and gave some more and was rejected. Her reality, Im just living in it.

Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #49 on: November 06, 2014, 07:03:23 PM »

Perhaps someday I can forgive, with no form of contact... I am open to it... .

If it comes to that, great. If not, great.

It's whatever works best for you.

It's in the mind and heart of the beholder.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10276



WWW
« Reply #50 on: November 06, 2014, 07:20:46 PM »

I found this article from Psychology Today that gets at why I have no desire to forgive: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/200803/forgive-or-not-forgive-is-the-question

This paragraph especially:

Excerpt
But as wise as spiritual leaders and therapists are concerning the importance of forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is not possible. Unfortunately, we have not been given permission to choose not to forgive. It is my belief that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, and in some cases may not be the healthiest thing to do. This is especially true when forgiving is tantamount to giving permission to hurt you again.


That's an interesting quote.

What would give permission again if I have boundaries? Knowing what I know now, there are behaviors I don't permit on the self.

Boundaries are to keep the good things in and the bad stuff out.

I have minimal contact with my ex and I keep my distance. What permission does she have to hurt me again if I defend my boundaries?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
hergestridge
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #51 on: November 10, 2014, 04:56:54 AM »

This is such a strange insight for me:

People say that you must forgive. That the hatred and resentment will eat you from the inside and keep you from being happy.

After the breakup from by BPDw I have become more confident in my own feelings. My have come to feel that my resentment towards my ex wife is totally justified and simply natural. It also that way it is probably going to be from now on, even though we have a small child together.

It does not eat me from the inside, and I don't obsess over it at all. I have moved forward with my life and I have absolutely no interest in my ex wife.

Perhaps ironically (or paradoxically?) it is my total resentment for her and decision to therefore ignore her and cut her out of my life that keeps me from getting into conflicts with her.

I know that she is waiting to me to "get over it" and become friendly with her again, but that is not going to happen. It would be bad for me, it would be dishonest and it would be a "cold war" type relationship, which is exactly what we broke up to avoid.

My wife's fantasy is that through breaking up, all the ___ she has subjected to me to over the past 20 years would be history, and we should be friends again. She is so desperate to be forgiven (without asking for forgiveness). And that's how desperate she is to let other people carry her pain.

But I'm having none of it, and it's great!

Resentment does not necessarily destroy your life. It's just what they keep telling you.
Logged
SickofMe
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 157


« Reply #52 on: November 10, 2014, 05:56:35 AM »

Excerpt
Perhaps ironically (or paradoxically?) it is my total resentment for her and decision to therefore ignore her and cut her out of my life that keeps me from getting into conflicts with her.

That doesn't sound exactly like resentment, to me.  Sounds more like you have made a firm decision to detach and move on with no more monkey-business.

Resentment (I think, anyhow) is more active and consuming.  I know when I'm feeling resentment, it clouds my judgment and makes me act in ways I don't like or enjoy.  It's bitter and full of victimhood. Yuck.

I'm working hard on letting go/detaching--since clearly there is nothing healthy left in my former relationship.  It's hard not to worry about my ex, but since he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life, I have to move on and let him be his own problem.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #53 on: November 10, 2014, 07:06:55 AM »

Excerpt
Perhaps ironically (or paradoxically?) it is my total resentment for her and decision to therefore ignore her and cut her out of my life that keeps me from getting into conflicts with her.

That doesn't sound exactly like resentment, to me.  Sounds more like you have made a firm decision to detach and move on with no more monkey-business.

Resentment (I think, anyhow) is more active and consuming.  I know when I'm feeling resentment, it clouds my judgment and makes me act in ways I don't like or enjoy.  It's bitter and full of victimhood. Yuck.

I'm working hard on letting go/detaching--since clearly there is nothing healthy left in my former relationship.  It's hard not to worry about my ex, but since he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life, I have to move on and let him be his own problem.

I think I have too. She's with someone else now and I think it's time I give up on waiting for an explanation or at least something that I meant anything at all to her and her kids. It's sad, I'm hurt, but she's someones else's problem now. Her chaos is no longer mine, thank god! I don't like her very much and don't care what happens to her. I'm done caring. Sorry if it's harsh, but it is what it is. She's nothing but a bad memory.
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #54 on: November 10, 2014, 07:39:42 AM »

It's funny... .My ex has attempted to orchestrate  an interaction with me in public places.at different times. Always when she is alone, not with new supply. The two behaviors are totally inconsistent if she is alone or with supply. There has been no contact at all for years. My overriding feelings whenever she attempts this is "what do I need to do in this moment to protect myself". I don't think I have resentment or anger in that moment... .just a need to protect me. I cannot bear the thought of engaging with the self-centered, manipulating dishonesty and drama. Maybe it has changed, maybe it hasn't... .I just don't care to know.  It is a personal choice to avoid that at all cost as it greatly damaged me emotionally.  I can't say it is fear either... .just self love.

I don't know how else I feel. Forgiveness. I will have to continue to ponder that... .
Logged
hergestridge
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #55 on: November 10, 2014, 08:14:25 AM »

Excerpt
Perhaps ironically (or paradoxically?) it is my total resentment for her and decision to therefore ignore her and cut her out of my life that keeps me from getting into conflicts with her.

That doesn't sound exactly like resentment, to me.  Sounds more like you have made a firm decision to detach and move on with no more monkey-business.

You're probably right. I suppose I have let others around me define resentment for me. I grew up with a lot of negative images of divorced grown ups who "didn't talk", but now I can see exactly where such a situation comes from. I also grew up with various people breaking my (albeit very weak) boundaries and  they put so much blame on me when I tried to withdraw.

I fell for that trick already back in the playground; someone who went "So, you hate me?" when I didn't want to play (or when I just didn't want to play one-on-one). I felt so guilty, I was pulled back in.

Having a "cold war" relationship with someone in my life is such a strange thing. My exwife is very uncomfortable about. My lack of courtesy clearly hurts her. She needs people to smile, to say things are OK and to small talk a bit to make her feel OK and I don't do those things anymore.

I suppose I'm quite indifferent about her, but in her eyes I clearly resent her. So thanks for putting that in a perspective!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Logged
Raybo48
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 413



« Reply #56 on: November 10, 2014, 09:58:11 AM »

I think the skill and swiftness of their ability to get someone else to replace us (in my case right now) is something that cuts deep enough to where there will be no forgiveness on my part.  It's probably the #1 indictment on their personality disorder (I know that's saying a lot) as far as I'm concerned.  We end up loving them for all their obvious faults and crazy making behavior only to be cast aside like trash on the street corner when they feel we are getting too close or they have been shamed in some way by us.   

It's no small thing to open yourself up and love someone unconditionally, especially in my case when my pbdxgf has a major addiction to go along with it.  Now she's gone from idealizing me to absolutely hating me and threatening me. 

I'm going to stick with forgiving myself, viewing it as a life lesson, and move on the best way I can making sure I don't repeat my own behavior/co-dependency to hook up with the likes of her ever again.
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #57 on: November 10, 2014, 09:47:44 PM »

"I think the skill and swiftness of their ability to get someone else to replace us (in my case right now) is something that cuts deep enough to where there will be no forgiveness on my part."

Amen to that brother.
Logged
Hope0807
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing & Living Apart
Posts: 417



« Reply #58 on: November 23, 2014, 06:50:26 PM »

Initially, I thought I could forgive and eventually find compassion toward my ex.  That moment faded as quickly as I considered it - and I couldn't feel more at peace.  Maybe not yours, but my ex is more psychopath than BPD.  I will need to do a lot of work to forgive myself (as I'm constantly disgusted with myself for allowing myself to be played and staying) and have compassion for me as I heal and those around me who deserve my compassion in their direction as well.  My uBPD/ASPDexH does not and will not ever be granted a single bit of anything from me ever again.  All forgiveness and compassion WILL be in MY (deserving) direction only. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?

Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #59 on: November 23, 2014, 07:04:55 PM »

Excerpt
Perhaps ironically (or paradoxically?) it is my total resentment for her and decision to therefore ignore her and cut her out of my life that keeps me from getting into conflicts with her.

That doesn't sound exactly like resentment, to me.  Sounds more like you have made a firm decision to detach and move on with no more monkey-business.

You're probably right. I suppose I have let others around me define resentment for me. I grew up with a lot of negative images of divorced grown ups who "didn't talk", but now I can see exactly where such a situation comes from. I also grew up with various people breaking my (albeit very weak) boundaries and  they put so much blame on me when I tried to withdraw.

I fell for that trick already back in the playground; someone who went "So, you hate me?" when I didn't want to play (or when I just didn't want to play one-on-one). I felt so guilty, I was pulled back in.

Having a "cold war" relationship with someone in my life is such a strange thing. My exwife is very uncomfortable about. My lack of courtesy clearly hurts her. She needs people to smile, to say things are OK and to small talk a bit to make her feel OK and I don't do those things anymore.

I suppose I'm quite indifferent about her, but in her eyes I clearly resent her. So thanks for putting that in a perspective!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Me first now. They are on their own now. I want nothing to do with them... at all.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!