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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Can you ever forgive your BPD ex now you know they were ill?  (Read 5241 times)
Heartbroken Eagle
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« on: November 05, 2014, 11:54:24 AM »

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?
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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2014, 12:52:52 PM »

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?

Everything on here is for my own use. My use so I dont make the same mistakes again... .ever. She's on her own, on her own accord, on her own will, on her own chaos. I can forgive, but I will never forget... .
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2014, 12:59:32 PM »

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?
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« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2014, 01:00:51 PM »

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?

Look at it this way , are you miserable without her ?

Do you miss being with her ?

Do you accept the fact that she's never going to change ?

Are you willing to open a new page and forgive her cause she didn't know what she was doing like (Jesus on the cross)

Did I help you ?

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« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2014, 01:24:43 PM »

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?

Nope. Im only guilty of loving someone fully, completely. I have nothing to be ashamed of any longer. It was her's to do with what she wanted. She chose to turn me and my kids black. So be it. It hurts, boy does it ever, but I gave all I could and gave some more and was rejected. Her reality, Im just living in it.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2014, 02:01:09 PM »

Personally, i can't forgive. I understand that this is an illness but it's not so far out of your control that time after time you cave to your impulses no matter how dire the consiquences may be. My life was turned upside down for three years and while i'm much better now, i am still trying to get my life together almost two years later.
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Heartbroken Eagle
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« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2014, 02:18:01 PM »

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?

The truth is I don't know... .

I still have mixed feelings when I see her. Always end up in tears in the car, remembering what she did. Desperately need to move on, hence if I could forgive her maybe I would get on with my life in a better place.

But I just can't. The pain is still raw... .
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ATLandon
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« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2014, 02:23:39 PM »

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?

For me, forgiving starts with me and ends with me. My wife likely has a personality disorder. It is very likely it is BPD. However, my need forgive her has more to do with me own well-being rather than her personal illness. In fact, my ability to forgive her will be in spite of her BPD. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Some people are ill  and suffering(especially some more than others) but we all need love and compassion at the end of the day, regardless of whatever is afflicting us. Well... .that's how I deal with forgiving people anyways.
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Heartbroken Eagle
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« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2014, 02:34:34 PM »

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?

Look at it this way , are you miserable without her ?

Do you miss being with her ?

Do you accept the fact that she's never going to change ?

Are you willing to open a new page and forgive her cause she didn't know what she was doing like (Jesus on the cross)

Did I help you ?

Fact is, I'm miserable because of her, I don't miss her but miss being a family if that makes sense?

And sadly she will never change!

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« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2014, 03:05:05 PM »

But I just can't. The pain is still raw... .

Wait until you're a little further down the road. I forgave mine. I had to detach, grieve and look inside.

Excerpt
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

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« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2014, 03:41:32 PM »

I forgive her, but i do not forget. I will never forget.
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« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2014, 04:07:34 PM »

I think with time I forgave myself.  I don't really think of it as forgiving her, more as forgiving me.  There are certain personality traits and behaviors that I just will no longer allow in my life, she just happened to have most of those traits and behaviors... .
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« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2014, 04:11:29 PM »

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?

i do, a bit.

or, while i can forgive what she did (which was pretty bad, though in another way pathetic, and certainly due to the BPD), i cannot forgive the sadistic and violating arrogance she displayed about what she did. some little ass in my head tells me i'm supposed to, though.
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« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2014, 04:37:04 PM »

I can see forgiving mine down the road once I have fully recovered and don't have any feelings for her at all, but right now? Absolutely not. 

With that being said I already have the utmost compassion for her alcoholism because that is a BEAST of a disease that can bring the strongest to their knees.
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Heartbroken Eagle
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« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2014, 05:48:22 PM »

But I just can't. The pain is still raw... .

Wait until you're a little further down the road. I forgave mine. I had to detach, grieve and look inside.

I think I'm currently at that stage... .

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expos
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« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2014, 06:00:02 PM »

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

No.  I think that's why it's hard to move on for a lot of us. 

This will come off very harsh, but do rape victims feel sympathy or forgiveness for their attackers? 

The more I read about abuse, the more I find out that it's very hard to forgive 100%.   
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Mutt
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« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2014, 06:08:55 PM »

We're talking about different things expo. Rape is carried out by physical force, coercion, incapacitation, underage and abuse of authority.

I gave this woman everything and rarely said “no”.

What kept you from saying "no" and gave everything to your ex? You lacked boundaries.
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expos
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« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2014, 07:10:49 PM »

Excerpt
What kept you from saying "no" and gave everything to your ex? You lacked boundaries.

Just because I didn't say "no" has nothing to do with boundaries.  I said "yes" a lot because I cared about her and wanted her to be happy - but I still had my boundaries.  She even said in marriage counseling that "I wore the pants" in the relationship.  Whenever I started defending myself, her behavior worsened.  Putting up boundaries doesn't cure the disease. I know that you know this. 

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SickofMe
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« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2014, 07:18:55 PM »

Yes, but not for his sake--he doesn't need my forgiveness, obviously, since he's not asked for it.

I kind of think of forgiveness as the opposite of resentment.  I still feel resentment, but I can't wait until I don't because I know it's hurting me.  I don't want to let this relationship taint me.

Acceptance leads to forgiveness but it takes time and it's inauthentic to just say it if you don't mean it.  I think when we love ourselves more, we are more able to let go of resentment.

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imstronghere2
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« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2014, 08:07:24 PM »

Nope.  Not now, not ever.  I don't give a sh*& what the excuse is.  She was a 43 year old adult female that knew right from wrong.  She abandoned her family, her home, her children, her animals.   Everything.  She lied, cheated, deceived, disrespected me to an extreme, manipulated constantly, used, abused, betrayed and abandoned everything.

Nope.   Not now, not ever.

Let God forgive her.  That's the only thing that can possibly be capable of it.
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« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2014, 08:29:37 PM »

Personally I think it is unhealthy to forgive them.

Mentally ill, disordered, out of control, delusional, whatever, it doesn't matter.

Where restitution is impossible, forgiveness is impossible. People need to earn your forgiveness.

They have done huge amounts of harm, and if they can't do anything to make right what they've done, then its extremely bad for us just to offer forgiveness, to an extent by doing this we are still being exploited, still being abused.

We got into these relationships by having unhealthy boundaries and a lack of knowledge about abusive people. We are have learnt a lot, put it into effect now. Unless they can go into therapy, cure themselves, and then offer you the relationship you worked so hard for, then do not forgive them. I think we owe that to ourselves.

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« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2014, 08:44:46 PM »

Personally I think it is unhealthy to forgive them.

Mentally ill, disordered, out of control, delusional, whatever, it doesn't matter.

Where restitution is impossible, forgiveness is impossible. People need to earn your forgiveness.

They have done huge amounts of harm, and if they can't do anything to make right what they've done, then its extremely bad for us just to offer forgiveness, in an extent by doing this we are still being exploited, still being abused.

We got into these relationships by having unhealthy boundaries and a lack of knowledge about abusive people. We are have learnt a lot, put it into effect now. Unless they can go into therapy, cure themselves, and then offer you the relationship you worked so hard for, then do not forgive them. I think we owe that to ourselves.

Can't argue here and lets face it they never want to earn anything... .
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« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2014, 10:17:01 PM »

I see my ex as a person that gave me an incredible life changing experience in self-discovery. Through the most difficult life event I found my true self. I had been carrying so much shame, guilt from life experiences that were not in my control. I had low self worth, low self esteem and it wasn't until I met her and breaking up, grieving and detaching that I found me. A person that I hadn't validated, or loved because of the environment I grew up in. I was unknowingly seeking that attention, love and validation in others. I think that for some people on the board that we get don't many chances like this in life. I learned that I need to love me. That's why I forgive her.

Excerpt
“True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience. - Oprah Winfrey

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« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2014, 10:29:27 PM »

Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive her?

No... .I feel like I have to forgive myself for ever getting into a relationship with her.

I was damaged so badly emotionally I don't ever want to see her or talk to her again.

It would just be more lies and abuse. Disease or not.
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« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2014, 10:41:25 PM »

I will forgive him for what he did to me and the kids... .

Because forgiveness is NOT for him, but for me.

To release ME from the prison of anger, bitterness, and bottled up rage.

Once I forgive, completely, I will be free.

Make NO mistake, forgiveness is NOT pretending it didn't happen, or making excuses for why it did happen.

Forgiveness is NOT his 'free pass' to treat me like garbage.

I can completely forgive him AND never talk to him again in my life.

And that would be wonderful!
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« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2014, 10:46:33 PM »

Right now I cannot forgive.  But I guess that means I still care and am still in pain.

My therapist says that I will get better and at some point down the road I will be sitting there talking to him and won't even think about her. 

After our first real breakup and recycle I did actually forgive her for everything she had done to me, and these were really horrible things.  But part of that forgiveness was because I thought she had actually changed.  Pure delusion.  After the new idealization ended and she went back to her old ways and destroyed me all the old anger came back.  So I guess I had never really forgiven her.  And right now I can't do so. 
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« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2014, 11:05:55 PM »

Personally I need to forgive and have self-compassion to let go, to move on and to recover. It's important to me to have self-integrity and show respect, even if she can't. It's not about her but about what I need to do to feel good about myself. For me, not forgiving means to continue to be bitter and upset, to hang onto that, to let it remain in my mind and thoughts. To forgive for me is to be free to focus and think about better things.

There are of course things that I *wish* were different. Whilst in the relationship I *wish* she could have been a healthy partner. We all do. It was not until after we broke that I realised what she had, and then it finally all made sense.

If she was aware of her illness during our relationship, and I suspect there was some knowledge from her as she is intelligent and very high-functioning (very defensive about her 'flaws', use of language such as 'acting out' and 'codependent' - these are words I have never heard from any other partner in any other relationship), I am disappointed she wasn't able to make me aware. With some knowledge I could have handled herself and myself differently. It is a self-fullfilling prophecy that the very thing she sought to hide from me (more than likely as a result of fear of abandonement), was of course, the very thing that did cause me to her abandon her in the end. Would I have wanted to stay in the relationship if I did know? Possibly not knowing what I do now (hindsight, always immensely valuable Smiling (click to insert in post)), but I definitely would have been better prepared to deal with it rather than

just sit back and wonder what was the number plate of the truck that just hit me.

Whether you can forgive I think is an issue about your own values. I know now she was ill and couldn't help some of the things she did or said. That doesn't make what she did any less hurtful or right, but I realise she wasn't being deliberate about it. It was just how she was.

So yes, I can forgive her. Having had that relationship was one of the most difficult times of my life. But it taught me immensely useful things about myself. Whilst it was sad and hurtful and upsetting, it allowed me to learn and grow and take so much from that. It allowed me to be able to notch that up to life experience and know if there are difficult times in my life in future (which should always be expected), I can compare them to being in that relationship with her, knowing I survivied and got over that, and giving myself a bit of a confidence boost that 'this too shall pass'.

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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2014, 12:55:53 AM »

Yes. because i have to. i was afraid to forgive bc i was worried it would make me go back to him... .

but i realize it is how he must cope. he must hate me completely so that he can feel nothing for me. it hurts more than anything i can think of right now. but its my fault for allowing him to do it. i chose to be with him despite all his issues and red flags. ill know better next time. its hard bc a part of me wants to be there for him... even tho he has hurt me so greatly. probably my co dependancy.

yes i forgive him.
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« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2014, 04:14:44 AM »

I will forgive him for what he did to me and the kids... .

Because forgiveness is NOT for him, but for me.

To release ME from the prison of anger, bitterness, and bottled up rage.

Once I forgive, completely, I will be free.

Make NO mistake, forgiveness is NOT pretending it didn't happen, or making excuses for why it did happen.

Forgiveness is NOT his 'free pass' to treat me like garbage.

I can completely forgive him AND never talk to him again in my life.

And that would be wonderful!

I don't know that I can ever do that. Without the person showing ANY remorse or even the slightest  sign that they treated you so poorly, forgiveness is very difficult. I have gotten to the point of acceptance from coming to this site and doing a lot of reading. I can finally accept that this person is very ill. There is no other explanation for their behavior. That amount of self-centeredness and vindictiveness is difficult to actually comprehend and finally accept that it exists.  I now know that it does. I lived through it. Maybe some day I can come to peace with it and forgive... .but I just can never have any contact with that person again. I just couldn't take that chance. They most likely have not changed and I can find no reason, if I love myself, to interact with them. The emotional damage was great.
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« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2014, 04:43:49 AM »

Sure,  I'd forgive a rabid dog for biting me. Its just sick. That doesn't  mean it should be out there on the street biting everyone it can sink its teeth into. Same difference. The court system needs to educate themselves on BPD !
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