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Author Topic: found on dating site... he said awful things to me... hurting  (Read 645 times)
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« Reply #30 on: November 05, 2014, 09:24:18 PM »

He didn't say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like I'm just some stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

You know that contacting him on a dating sight and accusing him of trying to find a replacement too soon is stalking, right?  He can file charges.

I'm not judging you - but its important for you see this and stop.  This part is not about him.

As I read your threads there are two consistent messages - one that speaks to what a despicable guy he is and one that you want him back.

I know you are in a lot of pain here.  But it doesn't help us to paint him black and want him at the same time.  This is a cognitive dissonance and there is a lot of associated mental stress or discomfort.

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« Reply #31 on: November 05, 2014, 09:34:56 PM »

He didn't say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like I'm just some stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

You know that contacting him on a dating sight and accusing him of trying to find a replacement too soon is stalking, right?  He can file charges.

I'm not judging you - but its important for you see this and stop.  This part is not about him.

As I read your threads there are two consistent messages - one that speaks to what a despicable guy he is and one that you want him back.

I know you are in a lot of pain here.  But it doesn't help us to paint him black and want him at the same time.  This is a cognitive dissonance and there is a lot of associated mental stress or discomfort.

Skip

skip sorry bout ya but no he couldnt. iv gone through the restraining order process and he could not file for that. secondly i was NOT stalkibg him it was a coincidence. yes me getting angry and messafibg was uncalled for but really pales ib comparison to whar he put me through. you are totally being judgemental. i blocked him afterwards. and havent looked at his profile. i also cant rwmember the last tine i even looked at his fb. weeks ago. i am FAR from stalking him. it triggered me and i said my peace. im allowed a mistake without being acused of being a stalker.

Lol there is nothibg to stop. i didnt even know he was ob the datibg site he popped up in MY visitor feed. not the other way around.

again dobt ever even look at his stuff. dont call him. I uadny even contacted him for well over 30 days. so no offense but you havent a clue what youre talking about.

And that's the attitude you need, Self-worth.   I'm trying to repair mine as I write this, but it's exactly what they cleverly tear down piece by piece because in my opinion they have zero self worth of their own.  She used to call me "vain", and "arrogant".  I've been at the same job 25 years and drive a 17 year old jeep (albeit in excellent condition).  I'm not those things, but what I was was confident.  Yea maybe hugely co-dependent for trying to fix her, but certainly not vain.


The disorder can be very complicated to explain, but my take is they basically want what you have, but once they are given it they reject it because they have no idea what to do with it because they are emotionally arrested and have the mind of a 3 year old, literally.   Don't let him steal your joy, don't let him erode your self-worth.  Let yourself feel the pain, and learn from it and realize you took part in the relationship too so work on you so you are not drawn to BPD again.   Work on being emotionally balanced... If you accomplish that you wont even be attracted to them.

I totally agree. a huge problen of mine is my self worth. When he called me a POS i helieved it for a couple days. then just realized he was projecting.
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #32 on: November 05, 2014, 09:43:16 PM »

He didn't say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like I'm just some stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

You know that contacting him on a dating sight and accusing him of trying to find a replacement too soon is stalking, right?  He can file charges.

I'm not judging you - but its important for you see this and stop.  This part is not about him.

As I read your threads there are two consistent messages - one that speaks to what a despicable guy he is and one that you want him back.

I know you are in a lot of pain here.  But it doesn't help us to paint him black and want him at the same time.  This is a cognitive dissonance and there is a lot of associated mental stress or discomfort.

Skip

i am sorry i did not.know you were a psychologist? if you read ALL my posts ibtalk about disagreeing with painting them all black. i struggle the SAME as everyone else with missing him. but NO i do not want him back. my confusion and struggles are no different than anyone elses he is certainly not painted black in my mind. he had dobe a lotbof cruel and hateful things but as my posts state he has also dobe a lotbof loving things. i see him as both good and bad. he has two sides to him. i dont see him as all black. and if i wanted him back i could have him back. it is not difficult to recycle with him. and i know hin very well im working my ass off to move on bc it is what is best for me.
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« Reply #33 on: November 05, 2014, 09:47:59 PM »

Also i certainlu Do NOT think he is despicable. i state facts about things he has done which are despicable for anyone to do. but i do not hate him in fact i care a great deal about him. but my empathy for him has gotten me no where and i need to toughen up and focus on the anger. and stop ignoring the fact he has done cruel things to me asbi have done in the past which has kept me goin back. You have an opinion and ibrespect that. but doesnt make it necessarily true.
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« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2014, 09:57:04 PM »

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

Yes Mutt, you're right.  Unfortunately I not only had the emotional immaturity that they can display, but it was compounded with horrible alcoholism that was out of control most of the time I was associated with her. 

Yeah... .after our recycle which lasted four months, mine was more diplomatic but essentially said the same thing: there was never anything between us, and there never would be, when was I gonna get it through my head, oh and sorry if he let me believe anything different, but now he was letting me know... .  it's like gaslighting... .it does make you feel like you could have been a crazy obsessed stalker and the guy never existed, or you had a relationship with him in your head.  I also told him that breaking up with someone via text was pretty damn cowardly, and he came back again that there was nothing wrong with that, it was all in my head... .all in my head... .all in my head! woa... .crazy maker! Luckily, I had a good response, and I stand by it! haha  SUCKER!  

Hurtbeyondrepair... .it seems like yes, he did project. You shamed him. He's ashamed he's been caught on the hunt.  He might also be a bit pissed that you're also on the hunt! think about that  

Here's the thing I wonder... .how do we fall for people who can act like this! I don't believe what he says for a second, its like he fears that I would dismiss him, so he has to do it first... .but it's the most pathetic thing someone I have been romantically very interested in has EVER said to me... .and I wonder... .where is the disconnect... .I liked him alot! but he says pathetic things like this that make me lose any and all respect for him... .sad.
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« Reply #35 on: November 05, 2014, 10:00:21 PM »

HBR, have you considered the fact that you may be co-dependent?  From what you have described it sounds like you certainly could be.  I know I am and that's why I have been able to look past all he horrible things my BPDx has done to me and still find myself wanting to rescue her, miss her, and forgive her.  

We all must take a responsible part in the rs we had and realize although they are dysfunctional and have a disorder you need to realize that you were drawn to an emotionally dysfunctional individual.  You have to own that and work on healing yourself so you don't continue to look for and be drawn to that disorder over and over again.

I've owned my part in my messed up relationship and I have a long way to go before I can heal and unlearn what has been so comfortable to me my whole life.  The fixer, the accommodator, the one who puts his own feelings aside for the sake of others.  Just admitting it sounds messed up.

I think the member who tried earlier to convince you to forgo the dating site was trying to convey to you to work on yourself and become emotionally balanced before you went into another relationship.  We all want you to be in the best place possible before you dedicate yourself to someone, that's all.
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« Reply #36 on: November 05, 2014, 10:07:49 PM »

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

Yes Mutt, you're right.  Unfortunately I not only had the emotional immaturity that they can display, but it was compounded with horrible alcoholism that was out of control most of the time I was associated with her. 

Yeah... .after our recycle which lasted four months, mine was more diplomatic but essentially said the same thing: there was never anything between us, and there never would be, when was I gonna get it through my head, oh and sorry if he let me believe anything different, but now he was letting me know... .  it's like gaslighting... .it does make you feel like you could have been a crazy obsessed stalker and the guy never existed, or you had a relationship with him in your head.  I also told him that breaking up with someone via text was pretty damn cowardly, and he came back again that there was nothing wrong with that, it was all in my head... .all in my head... .all in my head! woa... .crazy maker! Luckily, I had a good response, and I stand by it! haha  SUCKER!  

Hurtbeyondrepair... .it seems like yes, he did project. You shamed him. He's ashamed he's been caught on the hunt.  He might also be a bit pissed that you're also on the hunt! think about that  

Here's the thing I wonder... .how do we fall for people who can act like this! I don't believe what he says for a second, its like he fears that I would dismiss him, so he has to do it first... .but it's the most pathetic thing someone I have been romantically very interested in has EVER said to me... .and I wonder... .where is the disconnect... .I liked him alot! but he says pathetic things like this that make me lose any and all respect for him... .sad.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) good points! i think i was just hurt bc i know he ll do the same crap with someone else and it bothered me he wouldnt get help in the relationship. i guess it makes me feel worthless which has nothing to do with him. and everything to do with... why ambi letting him determine my self worth? and he is keen and knows that which os why he specifically called me a POS. he knows just what to say that will hurt the most.

i guess by him looking elsewhere it makes me think that he thinks im the problem. bc thats why i think i can date again! im not some helpless victim i wasnt perfect... .but i never abused. never called names. we mostly fought when i set a boundary or if i was catching him in a lie.

the stuff i am willing to put up with blows my mind. the self worth part is my biggest downfall.
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« Reply #37 on: November 05, 2014, 10:11:17 PM »

HBR, have you considered the fact that you may be co-dependent?  From what you have described it sounds like you certainly could be.  I know I am and that's why I have been able to look past all he horrible things my BPDx has done to me and still find myself wanting to rescue her, miss her, and forgive her.  

We all must take a responsible part in the rs we had and realize although they are dysfunctional and have a disorder you need to realize that you were drawn to an emotionally dysfunctional individual.  You have to own that and work on healing yourself so you don't continue to look for and be drawn to that disorder over and over again.

I've owned my part in my messed up relationship and I have a long way to go before I can heal and unlearn what has been so comfortable to me my whole life.  The fixer, the accommodator, the one who puts his own feelings aside for the sake of others.  Just admitting it sounds messed up.

I think the member who tried earlier to convince you to forgo the dating site was trying to convey to you to work on yourself and become emotionally balanced before you went into another relationship.  We all want you to be in the best place possible before you dedicate yourself to someone, that's all.

yes i mentioned in one of my posts on here that i am co dependent! iv been in therapy for it for awhile... .im also avoidant. im starting up therapy again reluctantly. But i know it must be done.

and i agree i need to be emotionally balanced in order to get into a relationship. im just having fun for now. not looking for serious.

i want a relationship i really do but my biggest fear is im a lost cause. and its totally depressing.

edit: tbh iv been in therapy for so long and im doing so much better than i was 4 years ago i sometimes feel like this is as good as it gets for me. thats partlywhy i know i am capable of loving again.

i guess im just confused. im afraid if i wait thinking ilm get to thisbplace of complete emotional health that it will never happen for me... and ill end up alone and regretting that i didbt put myself out there while i was young im 28.
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« Reply #38 on: November 05, 2014, 10:54:44 PM »

HBR, have you considered the fact that you may be co-dependent?  From what you have described it sounds like you certainly could be.  I know I am and that's why I have been able to look past all he horrible things my BPDx has done to me and still find myself wanting to rescue her, miss her, and forgive her.  

We all must take a responsible part in the rs we had and realize although they are dysfunctional and have a disorder you need to realize that you were drawn to an emotionally dysfunctional individual.  You have to own that and work on healing yourself so you don't continue to look for and be drawn to that disorder over and over again.

I've owned my part in my messed up relationship and I have a long way to go before I can heal and unlearn what has been so comfortable to me my whole life.  The fixer, the accommodator, the one who puts his own feelings aside for the sake of others.  Just admitting it sounds messed up.

I think the member who tried earlier to convince you to forgo the dating site was trying to convey to you to work on yourself and become emotionally balanced before you went into another relationship.  We all want you to be in the best place possible before you dedicate yourself to someone, that's all.

yes i mentioned in one of my posts on here that i am co dependent! iv been in therapy for it for awhile... .im also avoidant. im starting up therapy again reluctantly. But i know it must be done.

and i agree i need to be emotionally balanced in order to get into a relationship. im just having fun for now. not looking for serious.

i want a relationship i really do but my biggest fear is im a lost cause. and its totally depressing.

edit: tbh iv been in therapy for so long and im doing so much better than i was 4 years ago i sometimes feel like this is as good as it gets for me. thats partlywhy i know i am capable of loving again.

i guess im just confused. im afraid if i wait thinking ilm get to thisbplace of complete emotional health that it will never happen for me... and ill end up alone and regretting that i didbt put myself out there while i was young im 28.

Don't sell yourself short, you are not a lost cause.  You seem to be fully aware what he was/is, but hey you loved him and love gets in a the way of a lot of things right?   

The only shred of compassion I have right now for my BPDx is she's chasing love, and has no idea how to attain it.  She's in love with the idea of love and is desperately seeking a guy to fill that horrible void she has inside.  Its hard having that knowledge  and not feeling compassion for them.  One of the last things she told me  before she said she was "done loving me" was that she doesn't want to be alone and be the "cat lady".  What she doesn't understand is she's destined to be the cat lady unless she works on herself and admits she has a problem.  In all honesty I don't think she ever will.  Not because the statistics say most BPD won't seek help, but because I can sense this is the best she ever will be.  Also, her alcoholism will likely get the best of her someday and her rock bottom will likely be death as even a couple of her sponsors have attested to. 

My point to all this is don't sell yourself short as long as you have compassion, empathy, the ability to love etc.  Go out and have fun if you must, but don't take your eye off the prize... .Self-worth... .With that you'll be better than you ever thought you could be.
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« Reply #39 on: November 05, 2014, 11:21:41 PM »

Well said Raybo!

I'm currently going through almost the same thing! I miss him terribly, but I also know I gave it 150% and then some. I know how difficult it is, but its important to remember that what you're feeling is normal.

Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel: a better you!

Afterall, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."



Hang in there! We're all in this together!
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« Reply #40 on: November 06, 2014, 12:25:27 AM »

He just wrote this to me on cl and signed it with a code only i would know.

No, I don't love you. not anymore. I stopped loving you long ago, before we broke up but I held on to see if we could fix this. we couldn't. YOU broke up with me then you get mad I'm trying to date? f*  you, I have a right to seek happiness, and the reason you found out I was trying to date is because you were on the same dating site. stop being a hypocrite. I hate you as a person, I think you're a f*king ___. stop trying to give me sh!t. there is no love for you anymore, leave me alone

he posted this an hour ago about when i got a message from fb... a confirmation code... which i googled so someone was trying to get into my account.

i havent contacted him but the ONE time through the datibg site. and again telling me to leave him alone when i havent bothered him.

also... .he broje up with ME. i just told him not to come back again. im totally black/dead to him now.

is it really necessary to dig the knife in? i said nothibg even close to that cruelty to him. i plan on ignoring it. he wants me to leave him alone. no problem.

he says he stopped loving me long before the breakup... yet when he recycled me told me he loved me so much.

dont understand him.

struggling
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« Reply #41 on: November 06, 2014, 03:34:08 AM »

Sorry to hear your struggle.

I'm no expert, and am 2 months out of relationship with ex BPD.

It sounds to me like projection, the part about not loving you before you split, that's the impression he wrongly made up for himself about you. He wrongly thought you didn't love him.

The words love don't seem to mean much to them, it's only because they know you want to hear it, it makes you theirs. I think for me that was all I wanted to hear, and I believed it.

With mine, I was accused of all the things she did to me, this sounds similar to you.

I'd say they seem to know what they did(subconsciously) and then blame you for it all. With mine, I'd have told her the relationship broke down because of virtually everything she blamed me for!

It's a screwed up state to be in.

You'll miss them, you'll crave them, you'll wonder what you could have done differently, the truth is - nothing. Walk away, it's so hard to say, and harder to do, but you must and you must avoid all contact, I still want a text, a message or something, but she can go get out of my life, I'm a good person, and I don't doubt you are too.

Good luck and keep posting.

Anything they say is smoke and Mirrors to deflect the blame off themself. Just like a kid with choc round their face saying they didn't eat the cookies.

The more he blames and calls you, the more you a proven to be a better Person than them.
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« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2014, 04:06:33 AM »

Quote from: Hurtbeyondrepair27 link=topic=236515.msg12521931#msg12521931


dont understand him.

struggling  

I don't understand my ex either HBR27. But let me ask you a question. Even if you did understand him, how would it change the situation that you're in right now? Do you think that understanding him would change his behaviors and actions toward you? Trust me, I know it's a $hitty feeling not knowing What the heck happened. I understand HOW a car works, but that doesn't mean that I can fix it. The path is to accept who and what he is. You should try to reframe your focus. I know it's easier said than done and I struggle daily with it. Strength comes from within.

You'll probably have to repeat this to me when I feel weak. That will probably be sooner rather than later Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #43 on: November 06, 2014, 08:20:18 AM »

I feel like he is projecting too. i found out he was seeking childporn at one point before our relationship ended. he hatesme? more like he hates himself. he didbtloveme? more like he feels i didnt love him anymore after discovering just how screwes up he is. I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks. he has distorted the reality of the situation so much it onlyhighlights his disorder. and i feel sorry for him. bc he doesnt have anyone amd i actually reallyloved him. i would never cause him harm and hes too sick to see it. iknow i amloved and i know im a good person bc thelove heing given to me by a dear friend of mine. we have a deep loving friendship on a level iv never had before and im so grateful i have this. im not sure he is capable of experiencing that if he refuses to look at himself. im just going to keep working on meand let this go i dontneed to rage at himand make him feel terriblein order tomove on. He tears himself down enough.
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« Reply #44 on: November 06, 2014, 08:26:29 AM »

I feel like he is projecting too. i found out he was seeking childporn at one point before our relationship ended. he hatesme? more like he hates himself. he didbtloveme? more like he feels i didnt love him anymore after discovering just how screwes up he is. I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks. he has distorted the reality of the situation so much it onlyhighlights his disorder. and i feel sorry for him. bc he doesnt have anyone amd i actually reallyloved him. i would never cause him harm and hes too sick to see it. iknow i amloved and i know im a good person bc thelove heing given to me by a dear friend of mine. we have a deep loving friendship on a level iv never had before and im so grateful i have this. im not sure he is capable of experiencing that if he refuses to look at himself. im just going to keep working on meand let this go i dontneed to rage at himand make him feel terriblein order tomove on. He tears himself down enough.

I have found the more you contact them when they are in this mode the more they will distort reality and the situation will spiral out of control.  That's when they can be their most dangerous and unpredictable.  Just like in the case of my BPDx threatening a restraining order.  Our "relationship" is so damaged at this point that all caution is thrown to the wind by her and I know she is capable of anything.   

Don't worry about what he is capable or not capable anymore, just worry about you.  Work on improving yourself all the time and your self-worth and self-esteem.  We ALL take a swift kick in the ass in that department when it ends with these people.  They do their dead level best to project enough to make us feel like a horrible person, and lets face it some of it sticks.  It's toxic as hell and we have to spend the necessary time peeling off all those layers they threw our way to find ourselves again.
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« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2014, 08:48:14 AM »

Excerpt
I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks.

Someone who is constantly focused on and in fear of abandonment will do whatever they can to try and avoid that abandonment.  A handy way to do that is to capitalize on someone's weaknesses to make us feel worse about ourselves, to be in control in the relationship, so we won't leave.  If we're predisposed to insecurity and then get the crazymaking gaslighting, projection, unstable self, rages, unpredictability, whatever else shows up from someone we're emotionally enmeshed with, it will make us more insecure, so the situation just escalates.  And not only won't we leave, because we don't feel anywhere near good about ourselves, the borderline doesn't need to accept responsibility for anything negative, which keeps the shame at bay.  Ugly situation, nowhere near a healthy relationship, and once we get to that point in a relationship with a borderline, removing them from our lives is the only solution, self preservation.  And it will be perceived as abandonment by a borderline, a self-fulfilling prophesy once again, the tools they were using to try and make us stay drove us away.  The crazy won't end until you stop engaging with him Hurt.
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« Reply #46 on: November 06, 2014, 08:49:24 AM »

I feel like he is projecting too. i found out he was seeking childporn at one point before our relationship ended. he hatesme? more like he hates himself. he didbtloveme? more like he feels i didnt love him anymore after discovering just how screwes up he is. I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks. he has distorted the reality of the situation so much it onlyhighlights his disorder. and i feel sorry for him. bc he doesnt have anyone amd i actually reallyloved him. i would never cause him harm and hes too sick to see it. iknow i amloved and i know im a good person bc thelove heing given to me by a dear friend of mine. we have a deep loving friendship on a level iv never had before and im so grateful i have this. im not sure he is capable of experiencing that if he refuses to look at himself. im just going to keep working on meand let this go i dontneed to rage at himand make him feel terriblein order tomove on. He tears himself down enough.

I experienced something similar.  After we were split for less than 2 mths I found out he had lied to me before and after we split, living with an exgf and also dating someone new.  I was really angry so I emailed him, called him on his lies.  He then turned it around and sent me an email FULL of projection and blame.  He told me that he was 'over' me and sorry that I am clearly not over him (meanwhile we were married and together 4 yrs!), he accused me of playing the 'victim', he told me it was none of my business what he was doing (true) as 'I gave up on him', that I 'wallow in self-pity', that I am probably lying about seeing a T... .it was ridiculous!  But it also helped me to see him for what he is.  Sick and beyond repair.  It helped me to let go of him and any remaining fantasy that we could somehow reconcile.  Use this as a catalyst to move into a more powerful place where you call the shots and have control of you and your own decisions, dreams and hopes.  BTW, you may be hurt but you are NOT beyond repair! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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patientandclear
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« Reply #47 on: November 06, 2014, 09:28:58 AM »

i truly believe that we could work if it werent for the lying and BPD.

You know, a hard but ultimately helpful thing I have come to accept is that, but for BPD, my ex would never have been with me in the first place. For many reasons. He wouldn't have been available--he's have stayed with one of the dozens of smart wonderful women he's gotten close to in his adult lifetime. He wouldn't have chosen me. He picked me out because I had qualities that made me a good "mark" for what he, as a person with BPD, thought a r/ship was supposed to be about (me making him feel good and being reliable and trustworthy).

Him without BPD: I'd never even have met him because he wouldn't change jobs everyone years in hopes of finding something that makes him fulfilled and happy.

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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #48 on: November 06, 2014, 03:23:32 PM »

I don't understand how if he wants me stuck on him... he keeps telling me to leave him alone... ,.

?

Isn't that the opposite of having me stuck on him? If he is attempting to make me insecure... too insecure to move on...

I don't get why calling me names and telling me to f* off will accomplish that in his mind.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #49 on: November 06, 2014, 03:24:49 PM »

I don't understand how if he wants me stuck on him... he keeps telling me to leave him alone... ,.

?

Isn't that the opposite of having me stuck on him? If he is attempting to make me insecure... too insecure to move on...

I don't get why calling me names and telling me to f* off will accomplish that in his mind.

Push/pull gymnastics... Come here, go way.  I hate you, I love you...    100% typical in my experiences... Drives you wacky.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #50 on: November 06, 2014, 04:55:21 PM »

I don't understand how if he wants me stuck on him... he keeps telling me to leave him alone... ,.

?

Isn't that the opposite of having me stuck on him? If he is attempting to make me insecure... too insecure to move on...

I don't get why calling me names and telling me to f* off will accomplish that in his mind.

When you were in a relationship with him he was doing what he thought he had to so you wouldn't leave, always fearing that you would.  But since you left him the rules have changed; to avoid blaming the demise of the relationship on himself, which would result in him melting into a puddle of shame, he needs to blame everything on you and make you the scum of the earth, to feel better about himself.  That may change though: if things aren't going well with a new attachment, and he feels like he's going to be abandoned again, the constant focus, he may turn to you to see if an attachment is still in place, again so he can feel better.  Standard borderline, apply as needed.
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #51 on: November 06, 2014, 07:02:22 PM »

Thats really selfish and screwed up. especially since he knows ibhave thisbhuge heart and im highly empathetic. he knows it matters to me to be a good person.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #52 on: November 06, 2014, 07:23:21 PM »

Excerpt
Thats really selfish and screwed up. especially since he knows ibhave thisbhuge heart and im highly empathetic. he knows it matters to me to be a good person.

I obviously don't know you or your ex and BPD traits exist on a continuum and are often comorbid with other disorders, but for a pure borderline it's always all about him, as it would be with anyone in constant pain.  Borderlines are all about need fulfillment, soothing the emotion of the moment, by using other people, since they feel everything intensely and don't have the ability to self-soothe.  So the attachment gets to be the dumping ground for negative stuff, the source of positive stuff they can assimilate through mirroring, and the assumer of all responsibility and blame.  Rosy world for them if they can get away with it, for a moment at a time anyway, although they are always afraid of abandonment too and the behaviors usually cause abandonment, or they perceive actions as abandonment and preempt it by leaving themselves.  That roller coaster will never stop, and the only thing we can do is get off and get on with our lives.  And as we get on with those lives, use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow; what did you do right in the relationship?  What can you do better?
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