found on dating site... he said awful things to me... hurting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been so depressdd over him... my friens practically begged me to activate an old dating account i had... .well i did and he popped up. hes fine... .already looking for a replacement. i was angry. even though im on there too... for me its reluctant... .and im not trying to replace him. it was my friends idea... .bc iv been crying over this fool so much.

i contacted i wasnt nasty i expressed hurt over him trying to find a replacement so soon. I also told him i was good to him and we failed bc he had BPD.

his response: look whos talking b* dont f*ing contact me you piece of s*.

i cried and cried over that. bc i gave him everything and i was good to him.

i sent him back that he knows im not a poece of s* and that i was good to him and thats how he views me? im painted black... .and he was the one who did me dirty.

to talk to me like that knowing im a goodperson... .that i love him and care for him is just so hard for me to grasp.

struggling.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I have been so depressdd over him... my friens practically begged me to activate an old dating account i had... .well i did and he popped up. hes fine... .already looking for a replacement. i was angry. even though im on there too... for me its reluctant... .and im not trying to replace him. it was my friends idea... .bc iv been crying over this fool so much.

i contacted i wasnt nasty i expressed hurt over him trying to find a replacement so soon. I also told him i was good to him and we failed bc he had BPD.

his response: look whos talking b* dont f*ing contact me you piece of s*.

i cried and cried over that. bc i gave him everything and i was good to him.

i sent him back that he knows im not a poece of s* and that i was good to him and thats how he views me? im painted black... .and he was the one who did me dirty.

to talk to me like that knowing im a goodperson... .that i love him and care for him is just so hard for me to grasp.

struggling.

[Raybo48]

I've been called those exact words before by my BPDx, just not the B**** part because I'm a guy.  That was coming from a girl who said she didn't like swearing and would come down on me if I used the word Christ in a slang way. 

They love to cut you deep when they can to cover their own shame. You busted him and made him feel shame no question.   

[Raybo48]

Also don't let him fool you into thinking he's 'happy' just because he appears that way on a dating site.  You know the real him and none of those people do, but they are about to find out.   These people are never happy for long and all their emotions and behaviors change on a dime.  They love to use social media (dating sites, Facebook, etc) to portray themselves as being happy with no problems what so ever.  False Self.

[fred6]

I have been so depressdd over him... my friens practically begged me to activate an old dating account i had... .well i did and he popped up. hes fine... .already looking for a replacement. i was angry. even though im on there too... for me its reluctant... .and im not trying to replace him. it was my friends idea... .bc iv been crying over this fool so much.

i contacted i wasnt nasty i expressed hurt over him trying to find a replacement so soon. I also told him i was good to him and we failed bc he had BPD.

his response: look whos talking b* dont f*ing contact me you piece of s*.

i cried and cried over that. bc i gave him everything and i was good to him.

i sent him back that he knows im not a poece of s* and that i was good to him and thats how he views me? im painted black... .and he was the one who did me dirty.

to talk to me like that knowing im a goodperson... .that i love him and care for him is just so hard for me to grasp.

struggling.

Stay NC HBR27, you are going to cause yourself more pain. I don't say this to judge you because I'm right where you are. I just want you to start to feel better and you won't if you continue to let him disrespect you the way he does. Don't give him the satisfaction of projecting on you. It will make him feel better in the short term and make you feel like $hit and lengthen your recovery time. He is an adult and he has made the decision that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and there is nothing that you can say or do to change that. I know it's hard, but you can do this

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Well iv been hurting ever since. the sick part is he knows hes BPD. But hes in denial how badly it affects him. its like he wants to prove that he can make a relationship work with someone else. he wants to believe that our relationship just isnt meant to be. but i truly believe that we could work if it werent for the lying and BPD. Its going to be the same for him in every relationship and he doesnt believe it. He blames me. i guess it bothers me so much... bc he used to pretend he understood that but he was probably just placating me. it hurts so much that he hates me for finally standing my ground and setting boundaries with him and nothing more. he even betrayed me and he has the nerve to call ME a pos? been cryin all week over it. i have 100s of emails in my inbox telling me im so beautiful... i went out halloween and attractive dudes approaching me... and here i am... .feeling worthless and missing a false person he presented to me. we shared so many loving moments and it meant nothing to him. i cry as i type this. just so depressed and sad. im holding onto hope with a finger at this point.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship. instead he believes it was just our dynamic... he has a rude awakening coming to him. good luck to him. there is no way in hell i woild take him back after all he has put me through. my best friend and her man have been together 5 years never has he called her names like that in a fight. its cruel and hateful and not the norm of a loving person

[Raybo48]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship. instead he believes it was just our dynamic... he has a rude awakening coming to him. good luck to him. there is no way in hell i woild take him back after all he has put me through. my best friend and her man have been together 5 years never has he called her names like that in a fight. its cruel and hateful and not the norm of a loving person

Getting them to take accountability for their actions let alone their words is nearly impossible.  Never once in the 3 years I was with my ex did she apologize for calling me those names or apologize for her behavior/actions.  Work on you, your self-worth is the most important thing right now.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

The last time he recycled me he acknowledged the hurt he put me through... said he was so sorry. but now i realize it was probably for his own personal gain to recycle me. which hurts so bad. Bc if he really meant those words he would have still acknowledged it on that dating site. but instead he treated me like he never did a thing to me and that i was the crazy one

[Raybo48]

The last time he recycled me he acknowledged the hurt he put me through... said he was so sorry. but now i realize it was probably for his own personal gain to recycle me. which hurts so bad. Bc if he really meant those words he would have still acknowledged it on that dating site. but instead he treated me like he never did a thing to me and that i was the crazy one

This happened all-the-time in my rs.  Call it projecting, denial, call it whatever you want; it's maddening.  The behavior/actions/hurt comes from them and we are called crazy?   Yea we have a part in the relationship which is sometimes dysfunctional for sure, but when they attempt to make you feel like you are the crazy one with words like "pyscho" it's extremely hurtful and confusing.

[fred6]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

[Climbmountains91]

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

i do feel he is evil when he paints me black... .bthis is the hardest for me to deal with bc when i ampainted white he is so incredibly sweet and good to me

[fred6]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

my question is... .where does the shame come from? what shame are we triggering? i agree with you one hundred. but what exactly is it?

[fred6]

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

I don't have to break you off a piece. Just pick one up, there are thousands of pieces laying all around courtesy of my ex. But seriously, I'm better but still a wreck. A long way from being strong. I find that when I try to help others and give advice. It actually makes me somewhat stronger because I should be able to follow my own advice. If not, I'm a hypocrite. At least that's my theory. If I'm going to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk. But then again, if my ex came over and took her clothes off I would probably crumble like a stale cracker. Yeah, I'm strong, haha. So much for that

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

I don't have to break you off a piece. Just pick one up, there are thousands of pieces laying all around courtesy of my ex. But seriously, I'm better but still a wreck. A long way from being strong. I find that when I try to help others and give advice. It actually makes me somewhat stronger because I should be able to follow my own advice. If not, I'm a hypocrite. At least that's my theory. If I'm going to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk. But then again, if my ex came over and took her clothes off I would probably crumble like a stale cracker. Yeah, I'm strong, haha. So much for that

one time i did that to my ex... he was being irrational and i disnt want him to break upwith me... he finds me very attractive... so i went in and started takibg my clothes off. epic recycle. he couldnt say no.

we are also dysfunctional too right?

[Climbmountains91]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

i do feel he is evil when he paints me black... .bthis is the hardest for me to deal with bc when i ampainted white he is so incredibly sweet and good to me  

I know that feeling so well, thats what I'm finding so hard to break out the spell aswell but i need to keep telling ourselves. Its all an act and fair play to them, boy ... .They put on such a good act its so freakin believable. Argh! They could win an Emmy award. Seriously! Im trying to tell myself aswell after that night that even if he paints me white, he is still evil. Like my friend said try and turn that love into hate and focus and work on that. Im trying with it everyday but as we all know its hard.

[fred6]

my question is... .where does the shame come from? what shame are we triggering? i agree with you one hundred. but what exactly is it?

Who knows? Childhood abandonment, neglect, or abuse that they think is their fault while they are developing their personality as a small child. And probably all of the other negative things that they have done since. My ex probably feels shameful for cheating on me, lying to me, and treating me like crap. Then when she has contact with me, it stirs up not only what she did to me, but also all of her childhood wounds too.  

What does a child do when you catch them doing something wrong or don't give them what they want? Lie, blame, make excuses, no eye contact, go mute, avoidance, or get mad/rage. My ex did all of that, just like a 4-5 year old. I could be wrong, but that's my take on it... .

we are also dysfunctional too right?

We all have our issues.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

my question is... .where does the shame come from? what shame are we triggering? i agree with you one hundred. but what exactly is it?

Who knows? Childhood abandonment, neglect, or abuse that they think is their fault while they are developing their personality as a small child. And probably all of the other negative things that they have done since. My ex probably feels shameful for cheating on me, lying to me, and treating me like crap.

What does a child do when you catch them doing something wrong or don't give them what they want? Lie, blame, make excuses, no eye contact, go mute, avoidance, or get mad/rage. My ex did all of that, just like a 4-5 year old. I could be wrong, but that's my take on it... .

we are also dysfunctional too right?

We all have our issues.

that makes complete and total sense. how do they feel after i wonder. i wonder if he is regrettinf treating me like that and knows he acted out. he has shown clarity like that before. so hard tk seperate what is real and fakebwith them. i think things are real and fake for them at the same time which is why we cant grasp their behaviors to well. they are certainly an enigma.

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

i do feel he is evil when he paints me black... .bthis is the hardest for me to deal with bc when i ampainted white he is so incredibly sweet and good to me  

I know that feeling so well, thats what I'm finding so hard to break out the spell aswell but i need to keep telling ourselves. Its all an act and fair play to them, boy ... .They put on such a good act its so freakin believable. Argh! They could win an Emmy award. Seriously! Im trying to tell myself aswell after that night that even if he paints me white, he is still evil. Like my friend said try and turn that love into hate and focus and work on that. Im trying with it everyday but as we all know its hard.

So basically we have to do what they do? paint them black? now i fet why they do it much easier to get over us if they do that.

i cant think of him as all evil bc i know that is not true. he has helped.me through some very hard times... and i juat cant allow myself to be like him.

but its a catch 22 bc when i think of him realistically i miss him! damn totally lets me understand why tthey paint us black!

[sirensong65]

Dear Hurt:

Do me a favor and remove yourself from the dating site.  The reason we end up in this mess is we have been taught as children to allow people to trample our boundaries. Your friends mean well with their advice but jumping back into the shark invested waters without grieving what transpired and discovering WHO you are and HOW you ended up here is a fools errand.  They are giving you this advice without understanding the dynamics.  A BOD break up is unlike any other break up you will experience.  Jumping back in saddle when the tear stains on your blouse are still wet isn't the answer, in fact... .this could set you up to jump right back into another BPD relationship, same crap, just a different face.

[Raybo48]

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...   So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone. 

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

[Raybo48]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

[Mutt]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

[Raybo48]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

Yes Mutt, you're right.  Unfortunately I not only had the emotional immaturity that they can display, but it was compounded with horrible alcoholism that was out of control most of the time I was associated with her. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Dear Hurt:

Do me a favor and remove yourself from the dating site.  The reason we end up in this mess is we have been taught as children to allow people to trample our boundaries. Your friends mean well with their advice but jumping back into the shark invested waters without grieving what transpired and discovering WHO you are and HOW you ended up here is a fools errand.  They are giving you this advice without understanding the dynamics.  A BOD break up is unlike any other break up you will experience.  Jumping back in saddle when the tear stains on your blouse are still wet isn't the answer, in fact... .this could set you up to jump right back into another BPD relationship, same crap, just a different face.

he is my second BPD relationship. i am so ready to love again. i let him go. it was a short relationship. ill ALWAYS attract borderlines bc im co dependent but this relationship taught me that im so ready and can have a good relationship it was him that wasnt ready.

ibwas single for 3 years after my first BPD relationship. The only reasib i got with this obe was bc we were friends for a long time and he was a great friend. i knew somethibg wasnt right bc i was immediately attracted to him. so i rejected him. then he was really there for me and it started. i realized he was BPD fairly quickly. but sincr i am his first... for some reasob i thought maybe he wouldbt be set in his ways? it was dumb. but im totally ready. i still need a little healibg but im going to have fun in the kean time. i was single a loong time before him. i mostly healibg from the fact we had a great friendship before it was ruined by us becoming a couple.

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...  So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone.  

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...  So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone.  

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...  So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone.  

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

i read about all that but didnt realize she called u a stalker publically on fb! never caught that! talk about effed up! they is no limit. i wont even lookvat his fb... .since the fight. he is VERY vengeful and justifies doing horrible things when he is in that state. who KNOWS what he has put on there about me. maybe even nudes. he becomes a different person who has no limits when he paints me black. so cruel its shocking... and it is difficult to discern which side is the real him. bc as a good person. i cant imagine doing sh* like that to someone. so its hard ti believe his good side is real... .bc its even harder to accept that BOTH sides are him. i kean how do they co exist? Maybe thats where the shame comes from... when the good person kocks back in its like ooh f** i did that?

the s* they put themselves through alone. Damn. if they would just quit they wouldbt suffer somuch! they are just ridiculous to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think of a 3 year old.  A 3 year old can tell you they love you and five minutes later say they hate you, and mean it both times.  That's what arrested development looks like in an adult, and if a 3 year old said hurtful things it wouldn't hurt because, hey, they're 3.  Our mistake was letting it matter, or continuing to let it matter, and letting go of that means letting go of hope, hope that a relationship that meant the world to us at some point still has a chance, when the evidence clearly points to hopeless.  Letting go of that hope hurts.

So probably not a good idea to check out those dating sites anymore, yes Hurt?  it can feel like steps backwards in our detachment when we get that kind of communication, but so be it, what did you learn?  How can you use this moving forward?

[Raybo48]

I hadn't looked on her Facebook prior to that for a few weeks... I was dedicated to NC, but I knew after I blew off her calls and text she might do something. I contemplated and then I looked about an hour later.  By then there were nearly 30 posts about ME, and two pictures up of ME. One of us together that she cropped out to be only me and one of a profile pic of me she apparently had copied a long time ago from my FB.  It was insane to watch people try and convince her to have me arrested, reported, etc. Even an ex boyfriend chimed in who was notorious for feeding her alcohol when they dated... My anxiety was off the charts, but I never let her know I saw it, never gave her the satisfaction.  

I don't know what anyone else on here would say based on their experiences, but I can tell you from my own they have absolutely no limits. What I described is not the first time she did something to expose me, or hurt me.  There is little if any contemplation (especially when they are raging) on what they do to the ones they "love"... She used to tell me "you hurt the ones you love the most". It probably was the most truthful thing she ever said to me actually.  I believe they are all inherently 'good', but the disorder they have can mask all the good  to where they can be very dangerous and very unhealthy people to be around.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Think of a 3 year old.  A 3 year old can tell you they love you and five minutes later say they hate you, and mean it both times.  That's what arrested development looks like in an adult, and if a 3 year old said hurtful things it wouldn't hurt because, hey, they're 3.  Our mistake was letting it matter, or continuing to let it matter, and letting go of that means letting go of hope, hope that a relationship that meant the world to us at some point still has a chance, when the evidence clearly points to hopeless.  Letting go of that hope hurts.

So probably not a good idea to check out those dating sites anymore, yes Hurt?  it can feel like steps backwards in our detachment when we get that kind of communication, but so be it, what did you learn?  How can you use this moving forward?

i typed a long message and my phone got rid of it! im ok with getting myself out there.

i see no harm in it i know myself well and im capable of being a good partner to someone. at first i was reticient... .but his message just pushed me further to it.

I hadn't looked on her Facebook prior to that for a few weeks... I was dedicated to NC, but I knew after I blew off her calls and text she might do something. I contemplated and then I looked about an hour later.  By then there were nearly 30 posts about ME, and two pictures up of ME. One of us together that she cropped out to be only me and one of a profile pic of me she apparently had copied a long time ago from my FB.  It was insane to watch people try and convince her to have me arrested, reported, etc. Even an ex boyfriend chimed in who was notorious for feeding her alcohol when they dated... My anxiety was off the charts, but I never let her know I saw it, never gave her the satisfaction.   

I don't know what anyone else on here would say based on their experiences, but I can tell you from my own they have absolutely no limits. What I described is not the first time she did something to expose me, or hurt me.  There is little if any contemplation (especially when they are raging) on what they do to the ones they "love"... She used to tell me "you hurt the ones you love the most". It probably was the most truthful thing she ever said to me actually.  I believe they are all inherently 'good', but the disorder they have can mask all the good  to where they can be very dangerous and very unhealthy people to be around.

i typed a long message to u too and its gone! ill try again. one time there was a misunderstanding he thought i had said a lie about him (it was trivial but none the less not even true) its on my first post if u want to find it back in feb. i begged pleaded told him it wasnt true... but he didnt care exposed a huge secret in a sadistic way (put me in danger) it was a mistake i had made and told him when we were friends. it was traumatizing! over something i hadnt even done and was small anyway even if i had done it!

Next day... .this m*f* messages me! "maybe i went a little too far" ( no formal apology) ... .? you think? when i rejected him he got angry and threatened to throw my s* away. wow. great remorse there.

i STILL eventually took him back and he would joke about it! never showed true remorse. hes an a*h*

ugh no more. he was so lucky to have me. his loss

[Raybo48]

And that's the attitude you need, Self-worth.   I'm trying to repair mine as I write this, but it's exactly what they cleverly tear down piece by piece because in my opinion they have zero self worth of their own.  She used to call me "vain", and "arrogant".  I've been at the same job 25 years and drive a 17 year old jeep (albeit in excellent condition).  I'm not those things, but what I was was confident.  Yea maybe hugely co-dependent for trying to fix her, but certainly not vain.


The disorder can be very complicated to explain, but my take is they basically want what you have, but once they are given it they reject it because they have no idea what to do with it because they are emotionally arrested and have the mind of a 3 year old, literally.   Don't let him steal your joy, don't let him erode your self-worth.  Let yourself feel the pain, and learn from it and realize you took part in the relationship too so work on you so you are not drawn to BPD again.   Work on being emotionally balanced... If you accomplish that you wont even be attracted to them.