Is it bad to run far away?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't posted in a while because I thought I was doing a lot better. Recently, however, I feel like I've had a turn for the worse... .I'm nearly 3 months out and I still think of her every day almost all day long.

I've kept no contact, but secretly when I go out I hope to bump into her or come across her... .which I know is not right as it would probably hurt me most. I know the relationship wasn't healthy at all, but I can't shake this warped perception that I have of her... .I can't shake the fantasy image I projected onto her. I'm tired of crying and tired of hurting... .I've felt the pain out every time but sometimes it feels like it gets worse over time.

I've just had a great work opportunity come up overseas... .far away from the city my ex and I currently live in. I want to move away but I'm afraid I'm just doing this because of her. I do also think a change in environment could do me good. What is anyone else's experience with this? Did moving away do you a lot of good?

I guess its just Sunday and its been a complete mixed bag of emotions today. So many amazing memories came back today

[GoodThingsToCome]

I haven't posted in a while because I thought I was doing a lot better. Recently, however, I feel like I've had a turn for the worse... .I'm nearly 3 months out and I still think of her every day almost all day long.

I've kept no contact, but secretly when I go out I hope to bump into her or come across her... .which I know is not right as it would probably hurt me most. I know the relationship wasn't healthy at all, but I can't shake this warped perception that I have of her... .I can't shake the fantasy image I projected onto her. I'm tired of crying and tired of hurting... .I've felt the pain out every time but sometimes it feels like it gets worse over time.

I've just had a great work opportunity come up overseas... .far away from the city my ex and I currently live in. I want to move away but I'm afraid I'm just doing this because of her. I do also think a change in environment could do me good. What is anyone else's experience with this? Did moving away do you a lot of good?

I guess its just Sunday and its been a complete mixed bag of emotions today. So many amazing memories came back today

[Earthbayne]

If it's a good opportunity and one you could grow from, why not?

Remove her from the equation for a second, is this something you'd seriously consider had she never been in your life?

[sirius]

"a great work opportunity?"

That says it all

[Pingo]

I wish I could move far away but am stuck where I am bc of shared custody with my first husband.  I did move across the country to get away from an ex 20 yrs ago, he scared the heck out of me and had recruited my parents into his web of lies so I took off, never looked back.  It was the best move I ever did.  Having said that, it didn't change me.  I still was left with the same codependent nature with low self esteem that I am still trying to deal with after the fallout of yet another dysfunctional r/s. So I'd say if it's a good opportunity and you have nothing to lose, why not?  But just know that you still have to deal with your own issues.  Not having to look over your shoulder all the time is really freeing though.

[workinprogress]

If it's an opportunity, TAKE IT!

I allowed my family to intervene in my life and ruin a couple of great opportunities for me.  I am now 47, and I look back and wonder if another opportunity will ever come into my life.

I kick myself in the butt everyday for not taking advantage of these gifts that were handed to me.

Look at it as a gift from the universe, open it up, and savor every second of it!

[Mutt]

Hi GoodThingsToCome,

I like your username by the way, good karma   Good things will come. I think you make a point that it's the weekend and sometimes it's difficult if we're feeling a little lonely on the weekends after a work week. What were you up to this weekend?

I can relate. I had wanted to bump into her. I missed her after the r/s and she just stopped communicating. It was hard.

No contact can make you feel isolated. Do you feel a little cut-off and isolated?

If you want to take a career opportunity I think it's important to give it some thought if you're doing it for yourself. Think this through and not impulsively. These feelings will go away, you will be able to cope and stop missing her.

I think it's important that we take on things in life when we're not grieving or suffered a loss. These things take time.

You may be getting into something when you're not ready to fire on all cylinders just quote yet.

Take your time with this decision and carefully weigh-in. Think of the motivations. There's no real right or wrong here. My advice is don't get into something when you're not ready for it. You might be making this harder than it needs to be. Hang in there.

--Mutt

[GoodThingsToCome]

Always such good advice and support on here... .really appreciate it.

@Mutt: yes, weekends are often incredibly tough. I try keep myself busy, I exercise, see friends, go for long walks... .but still, almost everything reminds me of her in some way. Today I took a walk to the park and just lay on the bench listening to music under a tree, whilst looking up at the sky... .I so badly wished she were there to lay next to me. What makes this all so difficult is my perception of her, which is warped... .my mind still tricks me into believing she is this put together woman with so much going for her, when in reality I have SO much more going for me in my life. I guess its a self esteem issue and void in myself I need to fix (which I've been trying to).

I think I will take the work opportunity overseas... .I've already passed up other opportunities because of her, and now its time for me. Things feel stagnant where I'm currently living anyway, and residing so close to her makes things even harder.

Strange day overall... .weird feelings I hadn't actually felt in a while. It has helped posting on here again, so thanks everyone.

[caughtnreleased]

I agree. I really like the username GoodThingToCome.  Sounds like you may just have a great opportunity.  If you didn't take this opportunity, do you think you would regret it?  I would say, if it's an opportunity to grow do it! I too have thought about moving away, because I find my life in my current city quite stagnant.  While I have not yet made the decision to move away, I've decided to see the current friends I have a lot less (they have some unhealthy traits) in order to make room for new people in my life, as I feel I've grown quite a bit and want to start connecting with people who are better matched with me. It's a bit of an experiment... .kind of like moving to a new city, without actually doing it.  For a while I was apprehensive about moving to a new city, but approaching my current life as though I've just moved here (ie: not relying on my existing friends, and trying to make new ones), makes me more willing to really make a move.  I would say that, change, while frightening, is for the better... .especially if you are unhappy in your current situation.

[Mutt]

I don't think your perception is warped GoodThingsToCome. Emotional detachment takes time. You may reflect back on your thoughts today in the future. Don't bite off more than you can chew is my point. Only you know what's right for you. Good luck on your opportunity.

[myself]

You can see it as not running from her but taking steps toward yourself.

[Climbmountains91]

Please go for it if its going to benefit you in the long run! Shell just keep carrying on with the same old games, she wont care if you have this opportunity or not which sucks, i know! Don't let no one hold you back, look after number one for once if this is what you really want!

I moved 70 miles away to be nearer my ex now i wish i didn't but i have my reasons and i dont want to move back to my hometown as it holds to many memories even though it has my family and i hate the city ! So if i had an opportunity to move somewhere else. I would! Ive been thinking of moving down South just to get my daughter away from him and his horrible family but that would mean taking her away from my family aswell and me being selfish, its all so hard to explain.

But my advise, do it! Grab life by the balls, its nearly 2015. New year, new start, new you! Should take my own advise really !

[clydegriffith]

I think distance can help depending on the situation. The BPD i was dealing with was a very confrontational, highly problematic woman and i only began healing after she moved 7 hours away. Had she stayed around my neck of the woods i would still be a wreck.

[Forestaken]

I've already passed up other opportunities because of her, and now its time for me. Things feel stagnant where I'm currently living anyway, and residing so close to her makes things even harder.

Strange day overall... .weird feelings I hadn't actually felt in a while. It has helped posting on here again, so thanks everyone.

I held back too due to my uBPD+dOCD+Xw.

Since our breakup: I've had and took the opportunity to travel across the country.   I wouldn't have even thought about it when she was with me, too much trouble.  I'm now prepping myself to solidify my career with another professional designation.  In short, you're not alone in this situation (again)!

"Twenty years from now,

you will more disappointed by the things that

you didn't do than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from the safe harbor.

Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

[talithacumi]

I asked the same question when I had the opportunity to move 1000 miles away to another state. I wanted it to be all about me and what was best for me and only about that. But it wasn't. In the end, I had to admit it also had to do with me wanting to get away, make a point, be noticed, get some kind of reaction out of my ex as well. I let it be both, and I moved. It WAS a little scary, but for ALL the reasons I did it, it turned out to be the best thing I could have done. 2+ years down the line (a lot of therapy, this board, and a whole lot of absolutely excruciating self reflection later!), I'm no longer in a place where I find myself asking those kinds of questions.

[antelope]

You can see it as not running from her but taking steps toward yourself.

^^this  

remember: "Wherever you go, there you are"

the scenery may change, but your personal growth work is just beginning...

I live about 4 miles away from my ex, I bump into her every few weeks.  Now, 2+ years out, after doing nothing but working on myself in that time, has created a psychological distance of a million miles between her and the past