Attachment styles of pwBPD

[jhkbuzz]

Yep, same story for me as well, a complete switch in attachment style, like being a different person. I imagine this a common occurrence in these relationships, perhaps why the FOG was so hard to get out of.  I lost myself somewhere along the way.

YES.  This ^... .I went from secure to anxious and she went from anxious to avoidant. It was hell. Never, ever EVER again.

Yes, me too, and this is the personal inventory board, where the pesky borderline no longer matters.  How can we use attachment style theory moving forward, so not only do we avoid disordered folks but also folks with incompatible styles?

Well... .having now had experience with someone who exhibited both anxious and avoidant styles, I would say that EITHER would be a dealbreaker for me.  Initially I would have said that I could deal with anxious, but when I really look back on it, it was EXHAUSTING... .and avoidant was hell.  So neither.  And I feel as though it would be pretty easy to recognize both.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, same story for me as well, a complete switch in attachment style, like being a different person. I imagine this a common occurrence in these relationships, perhaps why the FOG was so hard to get out of.  I lost myself somewhere along the way.

YES.  This ^... .I went from secure to anxious and she went from anxious to avoidant. It was hell. Never, ever EVER again.

Yes, me too, and this is the personal inventory board, where the pesky borderline no longer matters.  How can we use attachment style theory moving forward, so not only do we avoid disordered folks but also folks with incompatible styles?

Well... .having now had experience with someone who exhibited both anxious and avoidant styles, I would say that EITHER would be a dealbreaker for me.  Initially I would have said that I could deal with anxious, but when I really look back on it, it was EXHAUSTING... .and avoidant was hell.  So neither.  And I feel as though it would be pretty easy to recognize both.

Anxious and avoidant people are 40% of the population combined jhk, so that's a lot of people to eliminate.  What style do you think you are?   A person with an anxious style is not someone who is needy, helpless or whiny, like a disordered person may be, it's just someone who needs assurances and communication in a relationship and wants intimacy, which is why partnering with a person with an avoidant style won't work because they are always looking for emotional distance and independence. 

[jhkbuzz]

Yep, same story for me as well, a complete switch in attachment style, like being a different person. I imagine this a common occurrence in these relationships, perhaps why the FOG was so hard to get out of.  I lost myself somewhere along the way.

YES.  This ^... .I went from secure to anxious and she went from anxious to avoidant. It was hell. Never, ever EVER again.

Yes, me too, and this is the personal inventory board, where the pesky borderline no longer matters.  How can we use attachment style theory moving forward, so not only do we avoid disordered folks but also folks with incompatible styles?

Well... .having now had experience with someone who exhibited both anxious and avoidant styles, I would say that EITHER would be a dealbreaker for me.  Initially I would have said that I could deal with anxious, but when I really look back on it, it was EXHAUSTING... .and avoidant was hell.  So neither.  And I feel as though it would be pretty easy to recognize both.

Anxious and avoidant people are 40% of the population combined jhk, so that's a lot of people to eliminate.  What style do you think you are?   A person with an anxious style is not someone who is needy, helpless or whiny, like a disordered person may be, it's just someone who needs assurances and communication in a relationship and wants intimacy, which is why partnering with a person with an avoidant style won't work because they are always looking for emotional distance and independence. 

I think I'm secure... .and I wouldn't necessarily want to avoid "anxious" people - I'm pretty good at reassuring.  It's just that my anxious exBPDgf turned avoidant... .I'd be afraid that if it started anxious it could end avoidant... .and I never want to go THERE again.