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Question: How soon into your relationship did the mask come off and they started to devalue you for the first time? (When did they stop idolizing?)
Less than one month. - 7 (8.8%)
1-2 months - 9 (11.3%)
3-4 months - 23 (28.8%)
5-6 months - 10 (12.5%)
6-8 months - 13 (16.3%)
8 months - 1 yr - 8 (10%)
1-2 yrs - 4 (5%)
2+ yrs - 6 (7.5%)
Total Voters: 80

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Author Topic: How soon did they start to devalue you for the first time?  (Read 5347 times)
Craydar
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« on: November 29, 2014, 07:12:54 AM »

How soon into your relationship did the mask come off and they started to devalue you for the first time? (When did they stop idolizing?)
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Craydar
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« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2014, 10:55:59 AM »

It's interesting that 50% so far have listed 6 mos. or more. That seems like a long time for the red flags to begin.
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Faith1520
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« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2014, 11:02:41 AM »

In my experience the red flags came almost immediately, but I don't remember the devaluation starting until several months in.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2014, 11:44:50 AM »

It's interesting that 50% so far have listed 6 mos. or more. That seems like a long time for the red flags to begin.

Well, you only mentioned being devalued. No red flags with that. Thats straight up when I started slipping from my pedestal, and it was obivious as hell. I noticed something was weird right off the bat in her behavior, but it wasnt directed towards me... .yet. Those were the red flags, but i gave excuses for it. By the time devaluation began, I had been Vulcan mind melded and took it like a puss.
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Pingo
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« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2014, 11:47:42 AM »

Yes, I also saw red flags within the first month but chose to ignore them as he made me feel soo good!   It wasn't until about 6 mths in that I started to see that things had changed and he wasn't all he claimed he was... .still took me years to leave though!
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billypilgrim
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« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2014, 11:50:47 AM »

It's interesting that 50% so far have listed 6 mos. or more. That seems like a long time for the red flags to begin.

For me it came about a year in.  That was the first real "disagreement" we had.  The first time we weren't "on the same page" as she would always accuse me of being or not being on the same page with her.  Then there were multiple times in which she point blank said, I'm not in love with you anymore.  But yet she stayed and I took my cue, start wooing all over again.  Then the good times appeared again and I was back to being her soul mate.  Rinse repeat.  This cycle probably happened 3-4 times over 6 years.  It's nuts looking back on it.  Why did I marry this person?  
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Craydar
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« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2014, 12:27:39 PM »

I stand corrected? Yes red flags don't mean devalued. This poll is for when the idolizing stopped and the devalue began for the first time.
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no_ordinary
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« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2014, 12:32:33 PM »

first cheating after 4 months... .

the rest is usual pattern behaviour...

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Earthbayne
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« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2014, 12:54:23 PM »

I was going to say... .in hindsight, the red flags popped up IMMEDIATELY. I didn't get devalued until I started seeking something a bit more committed and firm.

We started out as friends and I was essentially the replacement. I thought she was done by the time we started getting romantic, only to find out that it was "done" a month later. And that then she had seen him 3 months into it. So at that time... .it was about 4 months in when I was really devalued. After that, it happened 2 months after. Then maybe 1.5. Then 1... .and the pattern repeats.
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Craydar
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« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2014, 01:11:13 PM »

first cheating after 4 months... .

the rest is usual pattern behaviour...

That's interesting that cheating started it all for you. Mine started with a series of cancelled plans and grumpy behavior at month 4. I didn't suspect cheating for at least another month or so. Turns out she was having daytime romps with her married boss even before she met me.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2014, 01:16:01 PM »

How do you define devalued?

My ex always said that I was the perfect man right up until the end, she 'flipped' after we had broken up and I told her to stop trying to bump into me. But she was upset that I didn't pay her enough attention and didn't do enough with her from the start. Rages were prevalent throughout.
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Craydar
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« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2014, 01:19:05 PM »

I was going to say... .in hindsight, the red flags popped up IMMEDIATELY. I didn't get devalued until I started seeking something a bit more committed and firm.

We started out as friends and I was essentially the replacement. I thought she was done by the time we started getting romantic, only to find out that it was "done" a month later. And that then she had seen him 3 months into it. So at that time... .it was about 4 months in when I was really devalued. After that, it happened 2 months after. Then maybe 1.5. Then 1... .and the pattern repeats.

Aren't we all "the replacement" to someone else? They can't be alone. And yes the recycles always seem to follow the law of diminishing returns or radioactive half-lives
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« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2014, 01:23:38 PM »

first cheating after 4 months... .

the rest is usual pattern behaviour...

That's interesting that cheating started it all for you. Mine started with a series of cancelled plans and grumpy behavior at month 4. I didn't suspect cheating for at least another month or so. Turns out she was having daytime romps with her married boss even before she met me.

My gf didn't cheat. She just piled on more and more and I couldn't keep up with it. Thus began my downward spiral... .
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no_ordinary
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« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2014, 01:26:50 PM »

first cheating after 4 months... .

the rest is usual pattern behaviour...

That's interesting that cheating started it all for you. Mine started with a series of cancelled plans and grumpy behavior at month 4. I didn't suspect cheating for at least another month or so. Turns out she was having daytime romps with her married boss even before she met me.

it started with the obvious facebook flirting with her, after they met... then she cheated and all that i was getting at that time was sad sad, blank look, and sad e mails and texts... .lots of sad smiles, that was soo irritating... .and i couldn't figure out what the hell was happening... .now i know every single little thing... so sad.
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« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2014, 01:28:29 PM »

My gf didn't cheat. She just piled on more and more and I couldn't keep up with it. Thus began my downward spiral... .

you're lucky. cheating is devastating.
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Craydar
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« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2014, 01:29:03 PM »

How do you define devalued?

My ex always said that I was the perfect man right up until the end, she 'flipped' after we had broken up and I told her to stop trying to bump into me. But she was upset that I didn't pay her enough attention and didn't do enough with her from the start. Rages were prevalent throughout.

For this poll I'm saying when the idolizing stopped, the mask came off, and the pedestal was kicked out from under you. I guess it follows a different pattern for each person but I feel that it is a critical juncture in the relationship. Some people are more sensitive or aware of the time than others. Also the pwBPD show their cards in so many different ways.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2014, 01:44:55 PM »

There was immature sulks and stupid stuff right from the start, but I think it was after nine years that I started to become the "problem" for longer periods of time.

This coincided with her acting IMO irresponsibly and erratically when it came to some important issues that affected both our lives.

The first was that she got pregnant and decided to have an abortion and I agreed. When we came to the hospital there was a nurse who tried to talk her out of it, and I got upset. Afterwards she let me know that she felt she didn't have an option, because I was upset, so I killed the baby. Apparently this was the first time in our relationship that I had been even mildly upset (9 years in!), and it left her paralyzed. I think I got up from my chair, took a deep breath and said calmly "Now look, I think we have already talked this thorugh at home, haven't we?". She couldn't handle that. Her sobbing and panicking when she didn't have her way... .that what was I was supposed to handle on an everyday basis.

The second was when I told her to please don't make a fuzz about the working conditions at a workplace where she had a temporary employment. Us paying the rent depended on that job, and the background was that she had hurt her hand slightly. She imagined she was impaired for life and this was because of lacking routines at the workplace. I told her straight to her face that she can't change the routines of a workplace after having been there a few weeks and that she was overreacting to the hand thing (her doctor actually said so too).

This resulted in her first real panic attacks. I had betrayed her. She ended up in the hospital (ambulalce - they suspected astma since she had trouble breathing). Then followed short periods of hypersexuality followed by non-sexuality, painting black in the extreme (the most bizarre accusations). Everything was wrong about me.

It was downhill from the for the next 11 years. Every now and then she would be in love with me and make plans for the future... .then I was the devil again. On the good days we managed to marry, get a kid and buy a house. In between she regretted all this and pestered me about how I didn't live up to my responsibility.

The only good time was her 9 months pregnant. Barely a mean word.
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Pingo
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« Reply #17 on: November 29, 2014, 01:47:13 PM »

How do you define devalued?

My ex always said that I was the perfect man right up until the end, she 'flipped' after we had broken up and I told her to stop trying to bump into me. But she was upset that I didn't pay her enough attention and didn't do enough with her from the start. Rages were prevalent throughout.

Mine would have said the same thing, he continued to say 'I love you, you mean more than anything to me, I will never hurt you' but his actions were saying 'you are inadequate, you can never do enough to make me happy, you don't care about my feelings'. 

One day I was in the kitchen cooking while he was on the couch watching football and I had a light bulb moment where I realised everything had changed.  It wasn't the exciting mad love anymore.  He had started to criticise me daily about every little thing.  I felt like I couldn't do anything right.  I remember even saying this to him.  Then the STs and rages began over such insane things, I could never predict what would set him off. 
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Craydar
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« Reply #18 on: November 29, 2014, 02:00:12 PM »

By the time devaluation began, I had been Vulcan mind melded and took it like a puss.

It seems that they have an uncanny ability to mind ___ strong men into pussies. I had never been broken down by a woman before. And it wasn't for her looks and certainly not for her brains.  If I lined her up against 10 other women I've dated over the years, she wouldn't stand out at all.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #19 on: November 29, 2014, 02:35:39 PM »

How do you define devalued?

My ex always said that I was the perfect man right up until the end, she 'flipped' after we had broken up and I told her to stop trying to bump into me. But she was upset that I didn't pay her enough attention and didn't do enough with her from the start. Rages were prevalent throughout.

For this poll I'm saying when the idolizing stopped, the mask came off, and the pedestal was kicked out from under you. I guess it follows a different pattern for each person but I feel that it is a critical juncture in the relationship. Some people are more sensitive or aware of the time than others. Also the pwBPD show their cards in so many different ways.

Well in that case I was devalued after about 2 weeks, nothing I ever did was good enough, the only thing she didn't devalue me on was my face, she was obsessed with my face, and it seemed to be the only reason she was with me.

She would say stuff like you dont do this enough, or you dont make me feel good, or you dont buy this enough, or accused me of things she would do, but she'd always make a huge fuss of what I looked like, she used to say why would she cheat when she has steak at home? That in itself says a lot, superficiality is the only reason she wouldn't cheat, although she probably did. Even when I was split black and I was the reason she was so miserable.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #20 on: November 29, 2014, 02:57:36 PM »

My gf didn't cheat. She just piled on more and more and I couldn't keep up with it. Thus began my downward spiral... .

you're lucky. cheating is devastating.

Yeah, went through that with my wife and a family friend. I have zero luck.
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Lion Fire
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« Reply #21 on: November 29, 2014, 03:07:11 PM »

Red flags right from the word go... .The first real eruption from her was after 6 weeks over a silly issue around text messages. I would say the proper devaluation started in earnest after about 6 months. By month 8 I bailed to save my life. 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #22 on: November 29, 2014, 04:00:07 PM »

We had a long distance relationship, which are always tough, but if I'm honest I didn't think it would work right from the very beginning.  There's always a chance, but slim, although as I got caught up in the fantasy I chose to ignore my feelings that it would never work.  They didn't go away though, and we didn't talk about it, in our dysfunction, but really I don't blame her for tuning out, any woman would have when she perceives I've got one foot out the door.  I can only attribute part of what went down to the devaluation stage of a personality disorder, and yes it was very much there, and stack it with the other behaviors and I just didn't like her much.  Although I was strangely drawn anyway, definite fuel for growth... .
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RisingSun
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« Reply #23 on: November 29, 2014, 04:14:04 PM »

Her first big blowup was about two months in. We got into an argument and she slammed a medicine cabinet door and smashed the mirror.

This started the devaluing. It was like she was testing the waters to see if I would stick around after one of her rages. I did. So, game on!

I'll never forget that first fight and her breaking the glass. I even cleaned up the mess afterward! This was the theme of the entire relationship.

She would make the mess and I'd to my best to clean it up.


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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #24 on: November 29, 2014, 04:17:07 PM »

Well, for me it was around the one year mark. It was the night before we were to get married, he was mad at me for something, and he left the house. No explanation, and I got scared. This was totally unlike him. I didn't have a cell phone at the time, and I walked to my nieces to use hers. He didn't answer my calls for an hour, because he'd been on the phone with his son, who was having a crisis. He had to know how scared I'd be, and I wasn't even worth him telling his son "hey, someone is calling, give me one minute, I'll call you right back". I wouldn't have kept him on the phone, I just was scared we were over for good, it was so out of character.

We'd already been having major problems with his three adult daughters, but I thought that would blow over too, that he'd eventually stand up to them, and set a boundary. He never did, and he came to resent and blame me the longer we were together. Three grandbabies were born, and I wasn't allowed around them, still with no reason. They invent slights, and lie, and create drama, just like my husband. Sadly, they are likely personality disordered too.

I guess I was so shocked when the BPD/NPD, possibly even antisocial behaviors started coming out because it didn't truly start until after we'd married. I'd chosen him so carefully, run him by family, we were all fooled. He played victim, and he has physical scars to prove it. I thought our common past issues with being with abusive people was a plus. It couldn't have been more of a lie. Yeah, he was physically abused by his ex, but I'm now sure just how he treated her, and pushed, and pushed her. Frankly, I hope they get back together, because they deserve each other.

I'm shocked that not many took as long as my husband did to show his true colors. I sure wish he'd shown me before I'd married him. It was all a carefully constructed LIE.  :'(
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billypilgrim
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« Reply #25 on: November 29, 2014, 04:22:05 PM »

I even cleaned up the mess afterward! This was the theme of the entire relationship.

She would make the mess and I'd to my best to clean it up.

Over and over again this.  She made decisions, I dealt with the consequences.  Sounds miserable phrasing it that way but that's what I thought it took to make it work.  

I even cleaned up to the bitter end.  She walked out and wanted to separate, I didn't.  But guess who does the research and gets the paperwork drawn up and divvies everything up?  This guy.  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  It's like the wheels had come off and I knew I needed to get out.  But I stayed and now I'm the one seeing out what "she wanted."  Whatever she thinks she wants anyway.

It's baffling actually but in hindsight it saved me a lot of financial headache.  I wrote her a check and now I don't have to worry about her changing her mind about what she thinks she "deserves."  
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hergestridge
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« Reply #26 on: November 29, 2014, 05:04:37 PM »

She walked out and wanted to separate, I didn't.  But guess who does the research and gets the paperwork drawn up and divvies everything up?  This guy.  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  

My wife left in june. She would "hand me the papers" as regards the divorce and was very confident about how much money she would get out of the house the was rightfully hers.

I meet her twice a week since we have shared custody of our daughter, and she doesn't mention either the divorce or the house. It's starting to become ridiculous and she is clearly waiting for me to take the initiative. I'm not comfortable about doing this since she was the one to leave.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #27 on: November 29, 2014, 06:23:51 PM »

BillyPilgrim:

I can relate a lot to what you wrote. I too wanted to stay with my BPD husband, but he decided HE was unhappy, and left. Yeah, of course they are unhappy. They seem to enjoy being unhappy. When there isn't something they are unhappy with, they find something. What they are really unhappy with is themselves. My husband thinks that leaving me is going to be the "answer" to his unhappiness. Funny how his ex had the same complaints, and his four kids didn't even spend Thanksgiving with him, although he left me one week before Thanksgiving, and is living with one of them. Their problems are always due to someone else... .

I hope my BPD husband is as generous with me as you were with your BPD wife. He wanted his freedom, and I'm going to need quite a bit of therapy, and I had insurance through him. You'd think our spouses would have been thankful instead of just running. They mistakenly think someone else will be "easier", or like my husband wants to write it off as "us having too many issues" or incompatibility. Yeah, who can get along with someone who takes so little responsibility, and is always mad... .
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workinprogress
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« Reply #28 on: November 29, 2014, 06:31:38 PM »

By the time devaluation began, I had been Vulcan mind melded and took it like a puss.

It seems that they have an uncanny ability to mind ___ strong men into pussies. I had never been broken down by a woman before. And it wasn't for her looks and certainly not for her brains.  If I lined her up against 10 other women I've dated over the years, she wouldn't stand out at all.

Part of me is starting to wonder if they don't hate strong men.  They target them and try to eventually control and destroy them.

Just the other day when we went to the gym, there were some very buffed guys lifting weights, and my wife referred to them as "meatheads."  I don't get it.  I've been working on building more muscle tone and it is very hard work.  Why devalue someone who has obviously accomplished something?

Then again, some of my friends are very accomplished in their professions, she always finds something to devalue them over also.

So, strong successful men, beware!
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workinprogress
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« Reply #29 on: November 29, 2014, 06:35:06 PM »

Oh, and I was devalued around the 6 year mark.

Shortly after we met she ditched all of her friends for me.  I felt kind of honored about that.  I didn't ask her to do it, she just did.  Perhaps her friends had dirt on her and she didn't want them to share it with me?

Well, we made it six years, I got her pregnant a couple of times and built a home for her.  Then she got a new set of stay at home mom friends who had really devalued their husbands.  Guess what?  I got knocked off my pedestal and became devalued also.  It truly sucked.
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