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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Poll
Question: How soon into your relationship did the mask come off and they started to devalue you for the first time? (When did they stop idolizing?)
Less than one month. - 7 (8.8%)
1-2 months - 9 (11.3%)
3-4 months - 23 (28.8%)
5-6 months - 10 (12.5%)
6-8 months - 13 (16.3%)
8 months - 1 yr - 8 (10%)
1-2 yrs - 4 (5%)
2+ yrs - 6 (7.5%)
Total Voters: 80

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Author Topic: How soon did they start to devalue you for the first time?  (Read 5346 times)
Craydar
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« Reply #60 on: December 01, 2014, 01:57:02 PM »

I always thought the fall outs were mutual but I really think they just disappointed her in some way so her response was to cut them out for weeks/months/years (her BFF from elementary school.  Cut her our for over a year after she flaked a couple of times for dinner.  Some way to treat your BFF  ).  Her friends, with maybe 1 exception, were very shallow people.  They never met up outside of some big social night out or unless one of them was getting married.  There were no, "hey, come over and hang out" or "let's go see a movie."  It was all nights out/partying.

Very similar experience here. Her friends were for the most part shallow, narcissistic people. Many of them were younger. For example, one of her bff's was 27! How can a 42 yrs old get sound objective relationship advice from a haughty, self-absorbed 27 yr old? (one who I never met of course)  .
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Craydar
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« Reply #61 on: December 01, 2014, 02:01:26 PM »

Funny, when I did met the ritzy ones, they always looked at me and said... ."you better not hurt her, you better take care of her"... .

Those words sound familiar. I also overheard one of her friends say to her "He's really great, it looks like your life is taking a turn for the better" I'm assuming some of her more stable friends realized how unstable her relationships had been in the past... .another   

After I moved out, I spoke with a few friends that she split black. One said, "oh no, she was so happy with you", another said, "she said that you were so good to her", and yet another said that, "I thought you guys would end up married". She even told me how good I treated her and that it was one of her best relationships. I guess things abruptly change in some peoples minds, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .

I can't imagine what her friends would say to me, she's probably justified her 'moving on' by telling them how boring or mean or whatever I was. When I asked her why her ex husband left her, she said "oh, he thought I was mean to him"     (silly him)
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fred6
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« Reply #62 on: December 01, 2014, 03:05:58 PM »

I always thought the fall outs were mutual but I really think they just disappointed her in some way so her response was to cut them out for weeks/months/years (her BFF from elementary school.  Cut her our for over a year after she flaked a couple of times for dinner.  Some way to treat your BFF  ).  Her friends, with maybe 1 exception, were very shallow people.  They never met up outside of some big social night out or unless one of them was getting married.  There were no, "hey, come over and hang out" or "let's go see a movie."  It was all nights out/partying.

Very similar experience here. Her friends were for the most part shallow, narcissistic people. Many of them were younger. For example, one of her bff's was 27! How can a 42 yrs old get sound objective relationship advice from a haughty, self-absorbed 27 yr old? (one who I never met of course)  .

I'm 42, my ex is 41, and my replacement is 33. I read somewhere that relationships that start with infidelity have a less than 20% chance to succeed. Then add the age gap. Then add her mental baggage. Then add whatever baggage he has. They can't have too good of a chance. Woo hoo, everyone on board, the crazy train is leaving the station.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #63 on: December 01, 2014, 05:25:16 PM »

Funny, when I did met the ritzy ones, they always looked at me and said... ."you better not hurt her, you better take care of her"... .

Those words sound familiar. I also overheard one of her friends say to her "He's really great, it looks like your life is taking a turn for the better" I'm assuming some of her more stable friends realized how unstable her relationships had been in the past... .another   

After I moved out, I spoke with a few friends that she split black. One said, "oh no, she was so happy with you", another said, "she said that you were so good to her", and yet another said that, "I thought you guys would end up married". She even told me how good I treated her and that it was one of her best relationships. I guess things abruptly change in some peoples minds, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .

I can't imagine what her friends would say to me, she's probably justified her 'moving on' by telling them how boring or mean or whatever I was. When I asked her why her ex husband left her, she said "oh, he thought I was mean to him"     (silly him)

I dont have any idea what she told him or her friends. I dont say a word. Shes the one that has to explain why Im here literally one week, new guy there next week.
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Craydar
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« Reply #64 on: December 01, 2014, 10:19:16 PM »

Yes, I also saw red flags within the first month but chose to ignore them as he made me feel soo good

I guess looking back at our first date activities sans sex the red flags were ever present:

- she was 45 min late and said she almost didn't make it

- she drank way too much, granted they were strong drinks

- we started making out in the bar

- she txted me right away after the date and asked if I liked her because she didn't think I did

- texted me the next day as if we were already gf/bf

I also ignored them because she was so stinkin cute and fun... .And that's how the devil gets you.
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Pingo
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« Reply #65 on: December 01, 2014, 10:55:11 PM »

Yes, I also saw red flags within the first month but chose to ignore them as he made me feel soo good

I guess looking back at our first date activities sans sex the red flags were ever present:

- she was 45 min late and said she almost didn't make it

- she drank way too much, granted they were strong drinks

- we started making out in the bar

- she txted me right away after the date and asked if I liked her because she didn't think I did

- texted me the next day as if we were already gf/bf

I also ignored them because she was so stinkin cute and fun... .And that's how the devil gets you.

Mine was jealousy.  He did not like a male friend I had.  Kept saying his intuition was saying it was more than friendship and that his intuition was rarely wrong.   On our second mth anniversary I had made a little card and put it in his boot so when he left for work he'd find it.  Never heard anything from him for hours and I wondered why he hadn't thanked me for the card.  He finally texted me in a rage bc he had read my text messages on his way out of the house that morning (I was still asleep) and saw this male friend had called me 'pumpkin'... .the term was meant as sarcasm, he was making fun of me about something, joking around.  Didn't matter when I tried to explain this.  It really scared me and since I was already so addicted to him by this point I ended the friendship with the guy to keep my ex happy.  4 yrs later he was still jealous and possessive.  Never changed.
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Xidion
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« Reply #66 on: December 01, 2014, 11:03:36 PM »

Yes, I also saw red flags within the first month but chose to ignore them as he made me feel soo good

I guess looking back at our first date activities sans sex the red flags were ever present:

- she was 45 min late and said she almost didn't make it

- she drank way too much, granted they were strong drinks

- we started making out in the bar

- she txted me right away after the date and asked if I liked her because she didn't think I did

- texted me the next day as if we were already gf/bf

I also ignored them because she was so stinkin cute and fun... .And that's how the devil gets you.

Mine was jealousy.  He did not like a male friend I had.  Kept saying his intuition was saying it was more than friendship and that his intuition was rarely wrong.   On our second mth anniversary I had made a little card and put it in his boot so when he left for work he'd find it.  Never heard anything from him for hours and I wondered why he hadn't thanked me for the card.  He finally texted me in a rage bc he had read my text messages on his way out of the house that morning (I was still asleep) and saw this male friend had called me 'pumpkin'... .the term was meant as sarcasm, he was making fun of me about something, joking around.  Didn't matter when I tried to explain this.  It really scared me and since I was already so addicted to him by this point I ended the friendship with the guy to keep my ex happy.  4 yrs later he was still jealous and possessive.  Never changed.

My ex gf was jealous to the point that she would message girls on facebook and ask them if I had been talking to them inappropriately. Then she started talking to guys behind my back and eventually left me after lining someone else up. Go figure.
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Craydar
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« Reply #67 on: December 02, 2014, 10:53:01 AM »

Mine was jealousy.  He did not like a male friend I had.  Kept saying his intuition was saying it was more than friendship and that his intuition was rarely wrong.   On our second mth anniversary I had made a little card and put it in his boot so when he left for work he'd find it.  Never heard anything from him for hours and I wondered why he hadn't thanked me for the card.  He finally texted me in a rage bc he had read my text messages on his way out of the house that morning (I was still asleep) and saw this male friend had called me 'pumpkin'... .the term was meant as sarcasm, he was making fun of me about something, joking around.  Didn't matter when I tried to explain this.  It really scared me and since I was already so addicted to him by this point I ended the friendship with the guy to keep my ex happy.  4 yrs later he was still jealous and possessive.  Never changed.

I made several mistakes in my relationship that probably exasperated the problems. I matched her enthusiasm for the relationship, I accused her of going out with other guys but only because she was acting to suspicios and I didn't know about the hot/cold nature of BPD. 
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Deeno02
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« Reply #68 on: December 02, 2014, 11:04:31 AM »

In addition to all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, she developed a strange jealousy of my daughter. Weird.
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billypilgrim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 10/2014. Divorce will be finalized 10/2015.
Posts: 266


« Reply #69 on: December 02, 2014, 11:38:40 AM »

In addition to all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, she developed a strange jealousy of my daughter. Weird.

My ex's mother (also BPD) had a strange jealousy of my ex.  Her mother got remarried within a year of me and my ex getting married and from what I understand, her mother will also be going through a divorce now that her daughter is.  It's unreal.  My ex also had a strange jealousy of all of my ex's, even though none were in the picture whatsoever.  We are lucky, despite how crappy it may feel at times.
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Faith1520
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« Reply #70 on: December 02, 2014, 07:49:51 PM »

Craydar, my ex was 45 minutes late to our first date, too!.He also texted me afterwards (in the middle of the night after having too much to drink) coming on too strong followed by saying that if it was too much and I didn't want to see him again he would understand (insecurity!   ) Turns out that was my first red flag.

He was running late almost every single time time... .and we're not talking 5-10 minutes, we're talking 20 min to an hour. I finally (kindly) approached him about it, which of course turned into another argument where I was wrong for daring to make a request in the relationship. I'm not the most prompt person, but he made me look good. Is running late a common flaw in p/wBPD?

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downwhim
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« Reply #71 on: December 02, 2014, 08:26:38 PM »

Mine was sneaky and lied about the infidelity. Started treating me like crap and unexplained canceled dates. Called me beautiful and told me he loved me one day. The next day he was cold, distant and refused to even kiss me. He then announced if I wanted to see him it was at his house not mine ever again and asked if I wanted to move in. The red flags were flying high by then! He sat on the couch with his arms folded and said he was now going to run his own life and didn't I want out? So many mixed messages... .
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Mutt
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« Reply #72 on: December 02, 2014, 09:14:39 PM »

Staff only

Thanks everyone for participating in this thread. While the topic is worthwhile it has reached it's post limit. The thread is now locked. You are welcome with starting a new thread.
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