Why do they try so hard to avoid us?

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

Did your bf ever come back into your life, Eagles? I think part of me holds out hope that me and my ex can be on neutral terms one day because we went through so much together. but the more time that passes the more futile I think my hope is.

Why would you want to subject yourself to this all over again? Especially when you haven't healed from this time... .

I am unsure who you are referring this to.

[oortcloud]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

Did your bf ever come back into your life, Eagles? I think part of me holds out hope that me and my ex can be on neutral terms one day because we went through so much together. but the more time that passes the more futile I think my hope is.

Why would you want to subject yourself to this all over again? Especially when you haven't healed from this time... .

I am unsure who you are referring this to.

I'm guessing this was for me?

I think I have too much sympathy for the abuse my ex went through as a child, so I have been overly accommodating because of this. At the same time I am slowly starting to realize that the whole thing is/has been destructive for me, even if we ended up being friends only (I have no interest in getting back together). I'm still healing, but slowly the realizations are coming to me.

I'm one of those people who hates cutting people out of my life unless they have done something unforgivably drastic. I'm too nice and am often treated like a doormat - I know it's a problem. But it makes me feel like our time together wasn't a waste if we don't cut each other out completely, if that makes any sense.

[EaglesJuju]

I'm guessing this was for me?

I think I have too much sympathy for the abuse my ex went through as a child, so I have been overly accommodating because of this. At the same time I am slowly starting to realize that the whole thing is/has been destructive for me, even if we ended up being friends only (I have no interest in getting back together). I'm still healing, but slowly the realizations are coming to me.

I'm one of those people who hates cutting people out of my life unless they have done something unforgivably drastic. I'm too nice and am often treated like a doormat - I know it's a problem. But it makes me feel like our time together wasn't a waste if we don't cut each other out completely, if that makes any sense.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having sympathy for your ex.  I actually think it helps you depersonalize her behavior. Essentially, you stop blaming yourself for behaviors that are a result of her illness. 

I hate cutting people out of my life too.  I let people walk all over me as well, because I had little or no boundaries. This is something that I am still working on.   

[Leaving]

"I think I have too much sympathy for the abuse my ex went through as a child, so I have been overly accommodating because of this. At the same time I am slowly starting to realize that the whole thing is/has been destructive for me, even if we ended up being friends only (I have no interest in getting back together). I'm still healing, but slowly the realizations are coming to me.

I'm one of those people who hates cutting people out of my life unless they have done something unforgivably drastic. I'm too nice and am often treated like a doormat - I know it's a problem. But it makes me feel like our time together wasn't a waste if we don't cut each other out completely, if that makes any sense.[/quote]
"


I have a lot of sympathy for my husband.  It breaks my heart that he is so broken that he cannot help himself.  I think there is a part of him that wants desperately to heal but the angry and fearful child in him rules his personality.  It angers me that both of his parents caused his problems by abusing and neglecting him as a child.  However, I also know that investing my time and energy in trying to help him had become self defeating.  I've been a pollyanna for far too long and it's really hurt my well being and future.  I'd give anything if our outcome had been different but it is what it is and I ran out of emotional resources to deal with our problems related to his disorder.  Life is tough enough and his adding all the unnecessary drama made me realize that I had to put myself first.  I am the only person who can save me.

Our time in these relationships can be difficult but it can also serve a much greater purpose.  I've learned a lot about myself, how I got into this relationship and why and I am even stronger and wiser now.  I can't help but feel that it was necessary for me to go through this in order to prevent even worse with someone in the future.  At least I've grown and made progress and even better, I am no longer trapped in my mother's mirror ( she has NPD/BPD) thanks to my husband and our marriage.  

[.cup.car]

You never did something wrong. I just didn't want to be reminded about the fact that I'm f****d up. You were seriously the best thing that somehow happened in my life, and I do really f****g miss that, to be perfectly honest. Like REALLY bad. Which is mostly why I cut you out in the first place - I was trying to forget about you so I wouldn't have to remember what being f****d up made me lose.

Guilt & Shame. It's a form of extreme damage control.

They are 100% aware that you're a solid person. They are 100% aware that they will eventually ruin the relationship. They know how intense their emotions are. They pretty much have to run away to avoid endless depression.

Why does it end with maximum hostility? No idea. Why are they dating someone else by the end of the week? No idea. Why are a bunch of false accusations made against you? No idea. And because we have no idea how to explain behavior that a rational person would not exhibit, we label it a disorder.

[Deeno02]

You never did something wrong. I just didn't want to be reminded about the fact that I'm f****d up. You were seriously the best thing that somehow happened in my life, and I do really f****g miss that, to be perfectly honest. Like REALLY bad. Which is mostly why I cut you out in the first place - I was trying to forget about you so I wouldn't have to remember what being f****d up made me lose.

Guilt & Shame. It's a form of extreme damage control.

They are 100% aware that you're a solid person. They are 100% aware that they will eventually ruin the relationship. They know how intense their emotions are. They pretty much have to run away to avoid endless depression.

Why does it end with maximum hostility? No idea. Why are they dating someone else by the end of the week? No idea. Why are a bunch of false accusations made against you? No idea. And because we have no idea how to explain behavior that a rational person would not exhibit, we label it a disorder.

Yep. Thats why Im in therapy still after 4 months. Boy, what a train wreck. Good news is Im sorting it out... .

[Hope0807]

Silence.  is.  golden.  Ignore and be flatly cordial when forced.  When we are least expecting it they will often do anything and everything in their power to get a reaction from us.  When we react, they've won.  And yes, "won" is the operative word.  it's quite a game of manipulation at all times for them.  The way a normal person might get their fix from a piece of chocolate or snack, a PD is constantly seeking the fix of screwing with someone.  Then they spin around and tell everyone you did something to them or hurt them.  I believe in keeping these things in mind.  I can't wait until I can write that I'm 7 months NC.  I have ZERO desire to be in contact with mine and just recently broke it due to a divorce/realty issue.  Now I'm recovering.  It stinks!

Well, I know Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time, so I stopped. So far all contact has been avoided and Im so happy for that. I will be about 7 months NC when Volleyball season kicks in(she coaches my son's HS team) and then Im forced to see her. Im not looking forward to it because Ive changed alot, lost weight, different style, more tats, worked out more and Im trying not to attract attension from her. I dont care if she feels guilt, shame, pain or whatever. I just want to be left alone. If anyone has any tips with which to not fall for any of her BS, Im all ears. I do have a plan of indifference but always looking for help!... .

[oortcloud]

I often feel conflicted about how to view my ex. There's the whole sympathy for the illness she's suffering from. But on the other hand, I can't ignore the horrible way I was discarded like an old worn out shoe. So I feel two opposing emotions, often flipflopping from one day to the next. It's confusing and extremely exhausting.

The longer NC lasts the better I feel. But when I start to feel good, I also feel scared. I guess detachment is a new feeling to get used to.

[oortcloud]

I'm guessing this was for me?

I think I have too much sympathy for the abuse my ex went through as a child, so I have been overly accommodating because of this. At the same time I am slowly starting to realize that the whole thing is/has been destructive for me, even if we ended up being friends only (I have no interest in getting back together). I'm still healing, but slowly the realizations are coming to me.

I'm one of those people who hates cutting people out of my life unless they have done something unforgivably drastic. I'm too nice and am often treated like a doormat - I know it's a problem. But it makes me feel like our time together wasn't a waste if we don't cut each other out completely, if that makes any sense.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having sympathy for your ex.  I actually think it helps you depersonalize her behavior. Essentially, you stop blaming yourself for behaviors that are a result of her illness. 

I hate cutting people out of my life too.  I let people walk all over me as well, because I had little or no boundaries. This is something that I am still working on.   

I hear you Eagles. Setting boundaries is such a struggle for me. I feel rude and selfish by putting a barrier around myself. But maybe it's experiences like this with our exes that help us learn and adapt over time.

[hope2727]

You never did something wrong. I just didn't want to be reminded about the fact that I'm f****d up. You were seriously the best thing that somehow happened in my life, and I do really f****g miss that, to be perfectly honest. Like REALLY bad. Which is mostly why I cut you out in the first place - I was trying to forget about you so I wouldn't have to remember what being f****d up made me lose.

Guilt & Shame. It's a form of extreme damage control.

They are 100% aware that you're a solid person. They are 100% aware that they will eventually ruin the relationship. They know how intense their emotions are. They pretty much have to run away to avoid endless depression.

Why does it end with maximum hostility? No idea. Why are they dating someone else by the end of the week? No idea. Why are a bunch of false accusations made against you? No idea. And because we have no idea how to explain behavior that a rational person would not exhibit, we label it a disorder.

"like"

this helps me understand thank you

[Leaving]

Silence.  is.  golden.  Ignore and be flatly cordial when forced.  When we are least expecting it they will often do anything and everything in their power to get a reaction from us.  When we react, they've won.  And yes, "won" is the operative word.  it's quite a game of manipulation at all times for them.  The way a normal person might get their fix from a piece of chocolate or snack, a PD is constantly seeking the fix of screwing with someone.  Then they spin around and tell everyone you did something to them or hurt them.  I believe in keeping these things in mind.  I can't wait until I can write that I'm 7 months NC.  I have ZERO desire to be in contact with mine and just recently broke it due to a divorce/realty issue.  Now I'm recovering.  It stinks!

Well, I know Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time, so I stopped. So far all contact has been avoided and Im so happy for that. I will be about 7 months NC when Volleyball season kicks in(she coaches my son's HS team) and then Im forced to see her. Im not looking forward to it because Ive changed alot, lost weight, different style, more tats, worked out more and Im trying not to attract attension from her. I dont care if she feels guilt, shame, pain or whatever. I just want to be left alone. If anyone has any tips with which to not fall for any of her BS, Im all ears. I do have a plan of indifference but always looking for help!... .

Hope, I completely agree with your comment about how they need to get their fix of screwing with someone.  My husband is addicted to his anger and when he's not working it off by working or he's not engaging in some other fix like yoga or sugar, he comes after me.  I hate this and I've been dealing with this, this morning.  I didn't react to him but I did fall apart in my closet and began crying.  I feel so alone when this happens.  I feel so afraid and trapped in a very insane part of the world.  It is truly insane.  I got up this morning energized and ready to take on the day and now I feel so utterly depleted and exhausted that I can barely type this post.  If being married to my husband isn't difficult enough, I have a neighbor that has the same or worse disorder and had to call the police last Sunday for protection.  I feel like I'm living in the bowels of hell. 

[peiper]

looks like sometimes being BPD has it's advantages , you can just go on like nothing happened , resume life with someone else quickly  

No hurt nothing , or do you think they hurt too and think of us ?

They do feel hurt. Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT and former sufferer of BPD) states,

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

That I have to agree with. I've always been a guy that likes kidding around and light hearted teasing if I like you. She absolutely could not handle it, she seemed to take it to heart that I was actually holding a bad opinion of her.

[Xidion]

looks like sometimes being BPD has it's advantages , you can just go on like nothing happened , resume life with someone else quickly  

No hurt nothing , or do you think they hurt too and think of us ?

They do feel hurt. Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT and former sufferer of BPD) states,

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

That I have to agree with. I've always been a guy that likes kidding around and light hearted teasing if I like you. She absolutely could not handle it, she seemed to take it to heart that I was actually holding a bad opinion of her.

Same with mine. I like to interact with flirtatious kidding. I could not do so with her. She would take offense to everything I would say (even though it wasn't offensive at all). Me: "Your butt makes those pants look good". Her: "You don't like these pants?"