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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Breaking away from my own codependency  (Read 8459 times)
Trog
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« Reply #90 on: December 28, 2014, 03:00:49 PM »

Dude I've always said that, but here's why it has always confused me, if my ex ex told me to never contact her again, blocks me and moves on that's not in difference that's hate, and with hate meant love must have been replaced, because people who are indifferent don't make the effort to block and push others a way as much as they possibly can, or am I wrong?

You're deflecting the context away from yourself. Your statement was about your judgement and criticism (anger and hate) toward your ex. I get that - we've all been there, but the focus on the actions and emotions of others distracts from the focus on ourselves. Know what I'm getting at? With acceptance and a re-direct of focus comes indifference.

What I take from the Elie quote is that surely then I never loved my ex. If the opposite of love is not hate and right now I'm as close to hate as I've been with anyone, then I never loved her? The real love that is. I married her, I gave a lot, I've had nothing but pain in return for years and disrespect and out and out cruelty, she surely never loved me and... .I'm beginning to think perhaps I never loved her.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #91 on: December 28, 2014, 03:14:20 PM »

Dude I've always said that, but here's why it has always confused me, if my ex ex told me to never contact her again, blocks me and moves on that's not in difference that's hate, and with hate meant love must have been replaced, because people who are indifferent don't make the effort to block and push others a way as much as they possibly can, or am I wrong?

You're deflecting the context away from yourself. Your statement was about your judgement and criticism (anger and hate) toward your ex. I get that - we've all been there, but the focus on the actions and emotions of others distracts from the focus on ourselves.

Know what I'm getting at? With acceptance and a re-direct of focus comes indifference.

I can relate to this at 1st it was the porn like sex that drew me in (the hook) but a year later I met her 2 children, and i a lot of the time I was more excited to spend time with them than I was my ex.  I built an incredibly strong bond with her 3 year old daughter I was used to hold her hand in public and carry her everywhere, her 3 year old daughter didn't like men, and even refused to hold her dads hand in public, so she built up a lot of trust towards me.  The thing that still has my head spinning is this:

Why is it that I never once cried tears over my ex even when she got into a new relationship 3 weeks after we split, but I still can't get over the whole situation?  I was with my Polish ex for 6th months, I cried for weeks over her, and now we are really good friends 3 years later, is it because of the push/pull behaviour up until the very end or?

What I take from the Elie quote is that surely then I never loved my ex. If the opposite of love is not hate and right now I'm as close to hate as I've been with anyone, then I never loved her? The real love that is. I married her, I gave a lot, I've had nothing but pain in return for years and disrespect and out and out cruelty, she surely never loved me and... .I'm beginning to think perhaps I never loved her.

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TheDude
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« Reply #92 on: December 28, 2014, 03:21:11 PM »

What I take from the Elie quote is that surely then I never loved my ex. If the opposite of love is not hate and right now I'm as close to hate as I've been with anyone, then I never loved her? The real love that is. I married her, I gave a lot, I've had nothing but pain in return for years and disrespect and out and out cruelty, she surely never loved me and... .I'm beginning to think perhaps I never loved her.

My take on that subject is that hate is the flip-side of the same coin as love, not a different coin. One is intrinsically connected to the other in that the intensity of the anger is directly proportionate to the intensity of the love.

To the original subject though - from that 20,000 foot view, the big picture, the forest for the trees - an ex is never the cause of codependency, but a symptom.
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Trog
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« Reply #93 on: December 28, 2014, 03:25:04 PM »

What I take from the Elie quote is that surely then I never loved my ex. If the opposite of love is not hate and right now I'm as close to hate as I've been with anyone, then I never loved her? The real love that is. I married her, I gave a lot, I've had nothing but pain in return for years and disrespect and out and out cruelty, she surely never loved me and... .I'm beginning to think perhaps I never loved her.

My take on that subject is that hate is the flip-side of the same coin as love, not a different coin. One is intrinsically connected to the other in that the intensity of the anger is directly proportionate to the intensity of the love.

To the original subject though - from that 20,000 foot view, the big picture, the forest for the trees - an ex is never the cause of codependency, but a symptom.

For sure' looking back my other exes, though not as extreme as her, certainly gave her a run for her money at times in taking/hurting/treating disrespectfully but the common denominator here is me (us).

Well finally, I love me more than any of them and while healing and understanding what I am drawing into my life will take effort, I am at least resolute that these kinds of 'love' are not good enough for me and I want something better, much better.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #94 on: December 28, 2014, 03:40:14 PM »



I have a question guys and it's been bothering me for a while.  You all know that my ex tried pulling me back into the vortex until the final day of being discarded and told to never contact her again, because she officially moved on is that still considered the silent treatment that we all know about? Or is it literally NC.  I always took it as the silent treatment because I was being pulled in until the very end, and to me it's like a spoilt little chld that didn't get what they wanted so I saw it as a way to punish me, but the more I look into It I don't even think these actions is a case of the silent treatment, could someone answer this please?

NC is used by the victim to protect themselves by severing ties for their own mental health, where as the silent treatment is used to emotionally abuse and punish the perpetrator, am I right?
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hurting300
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« Reply #95 on: December 28, 2014, 03:46:30 PM »

I have a question guys and it's been bothering me for a while.  You all know that my ex tried pulling me back into the vortex until the final day of being discarded and told to never contact her again, because she officially moved on is that still considered the silent treatment that we all know about? Or is it literally NC.  I always took it as the silent treatment because I was being pulled in until the very end, and to me it's like a spoilt little chld that didn't get what they wanted so I saw it as a way to punish me, but the more I look into It I don't even think these actions is a case of the silent treatment, could someone answer this please?

NC is used by the victim to protect themselves by severing ties for their own mental health, where as the silent treatment is used to emotionally abuse and punish the perpetrator, am I right?

ok. (NO CONTACT) means they have TOLD you don't contact me again. (SILENT TREATMENT) is what I'm getting. There simply disappear and don't say anything. So no contact is always preempted by (don't contact me)
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
TheDude
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« Reply #96 on: December 28, 2014, 04:15:20 PM »

NC is used by the victim to protect themselves by severing ties for their own mental health, where as the silent treatment is used to emotionally abuse and punish the perpetrator, am I right?

Sort of, I suppose. Let me put it another way, though. No Contact is used by anyone wanting to heal from the loss of a relationship, and enforces boundaries, separation and detachment. The victim label is optional. How anyone else 'uses' the concept is ultimately irrelevant.

Let me reiterate my previous point - as it relates to "breaking free from codependency", the in-depth analysis of every aspect of her behavior is actually the very opposite. What are you doing about you and your codependent behaviors? Not gettin' on ya, man, just food for thought.
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hurting300
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« Reply #97 on: December 28, 2014, 04:19:38 PM »

NC is used by the victim to protect themselves by severing ties for their own mental health, where as the silent treatment is used to emotionally abuse and punish the perpetrator, am I right?

Sort of, I suppose. Let me put it another way, though. No Contact is used by anyone wanting to heal from the loss of a relationship, and enforces boundaries, separation and detachment. The victim label is optional. How anyone else 'uses' the concept is ultimately irrelevant.

Let me reiterate my previous point - as it relates to "breaking free from codependency", the in-depth analysis of every aspect of her behavior is actually the very opposite. What are you doing about you and your codependent behaviors? Not gettin' on ya, man, just food for thought.

I think he was asking what she is doing if I read that right. But no contact always follows "leave me alone" other wise it's relationship abandonment and silent treatment.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
TheDude
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« Reply #98 on: December 28, 2014, 04:29:26 PM »

I think he was asking what she is doing if I read that right.

Yep. I know. That's why I answered the way I did. 
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hurting300
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« Reply #99 on: December 28, 2014, 04:33:52 PM »

I think he was asking what she is doing if I read that right.

Yep. I know. That's why I answered the way I did. 

haha sorry buddy.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Infared
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« Reply #100 on: December 28, 2014, 05:05:34 PM »

NC is used by the victim to protect themselves by severing ties for their own mental health, where as the silent treatment is used to emotionally abuse and punish the perpetrator, am I right?

Sort of, I suppose. Let me put it another way, though. No Contact is used by anyone wanting to heal from the loss of a relationship, and enforces boundaries, separation and detachment. The victim label is optional. How anyone else 'uses' the concept is ultimately irrelevant.

Let me reiterate my previous point - as it relates to "breaking free from codependency", the in-depth analysis of every aspect of her behavior is actually the very opposite. What are you doing about you and your codependent behaviors? Not gettin' on ya, man, just food for thought.

+100

NC is instituted by YOU for YOU to protect YOU from abuse, to get YOU away from the dysfunctional drama, to allow YOU to heal and move on from a sick person.

NC is not a tactic to keep engaging in a sick relationship.

Once you make that healthy decision for YOU, it just doesn't/shouldn't matter what she does.

You are making a healthy decision for your life.

You are done with it.
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