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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Would you take them back?  (Read 4284 times)
H Hi
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« on: January 08, 2015, 06:39:05 PM »

I was just wondering if your ex contacted you, apologised and said that they wanted to work things out, would you take them back?

I'd like to think I'd very firmly say no way!
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Hawk Ridge
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« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2015, 06:45:22 PM »

She left 9.5 months ago. For the first 8 months after, the answer would have likely been yes.  Then, in December, the fog lifted.  I started to recall things more clearly and realize the futility in hoping for a sustainable long term relationship should she ever come back.  I started to develop compassion rather than envy for my replacement (this comes and goes).   Now, i would have to say there is a 90% probability I would refuse if offered the opportunity.  I would like to resume a friendship as her main target is her SO.  Otherwise, the desire to reunify is mostly gone.  Wow, when the fog lifts, I notice there are blue skies, clouds, friends... .life.  :-)
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paperlung
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« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2015, 06:55:54 PM »

Not as she is, no. God no.
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neverloveagain
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2015, 07:06:01 PM »

At 9 months nc i would like to say no but i know part of me would jump into the fire with her. Just so i could feel alive myself.
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myself
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« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2015, 07:12:46 PM »

Letting go used to seem impossible. But now?

No. I wish her well, but she burned those bridges.

No trust = No relationship for us. Not even as friends.

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imstronghere2
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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2015, 07:17:22 PM »

Not for all the money in the world.  I'd rather be celibate and live in squalor for the rest of my life than ever have anything to do with my exwBPD again.

And so far, it looks like that's what I'm going to have to deal with.  She can rot in her own self made Hell.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2015, 07:20:04 PM »

No trust = No relationship for us. Not even as friends.

Exactly why I would answer with an unequivocal "no." 

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Pingo
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« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2015, 07:21:12 PM »

No trust = No relationship for us. Not even as friends.

Exactly why I would answer with an unequivocal "no." 

Me too!
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jjclark

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« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2015, 07:27:25 PM »

No.
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bunnyrabit
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« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2015, 07:29:30 PM »

To be part of some sick triangle situation? Yeah thanks but no thanks, I've spent enough time in the twilight zone, I'm craving some peace and normalcy in my life right now.
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ajr5679
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« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2015, 09:34:25 PM »

I would like to say no,but my addiction has allowed her to come back in my life three times now. One of them we had not even talked for two years and I allowed her back, just to go through the same thing again
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« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2015, 09:53:24 PM »

I couldn't do that to myself again.  Thankfully I am now aware that I am no more special to her than any of the others she's been with. I'm better than that. As a person she is not good enough for me.
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Infared
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« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2015, 10:04:25 PM »

If she found some way to ask me that (as she is cut off from all media) I would respond with no response. None.

I feel that I miss her... .but that can be my ONLY play.
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downwhim
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« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2015, 10:45:21 PM »

How can you possibly have a relationship without trust?
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patientandclear
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« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2015, 10:55:45 PM »

Thankfully I am now aware that I am no more special to her than any of the others she's been with. I'm better than that.

That's where I am. He was very special to me. I was not to him. That answers the question for me.
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JRT
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« Reply #15 on: January 08, 2015, 11:31:40 PM »

I am just not sure... .MAN did she every obliterate trust among the pain that she caused. My problem is in the way she left and what happened afterwards... .she must have been a mild BPD as the rest of my relationship was pretty decent... .

If mine came back, it would be under no uncertain conditions.
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Infern0
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« Reply #16 on: January 08, 2015, 11:54:06 PM »

Not as she is, no. God no.

Seconded.

If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it.
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Mutt
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« Reply #17 on: January 09, 2015, 12:05:10 AM »

I can't.

Not with eyes wide open.
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downwhim
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« Reply #18 on: January 09, 2015, 12:12:02 AM »

"If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it."


Ditto, plus my family and friends would lock me up!

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Infared
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« Reply #19 on: January 09, 2015, 12:14:08 AM »

"If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it."


Ditto, plus my family and friends would lock me up!

LOL!  +1000
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Infern0
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« Reply #20 on: January 09, 2015, 12:25:51 AM »

I get so much grief off my family and friends for having any contact with her at all, they ALL hate her.

If we ever were to get back together i'd be on edge 24/7 that one of them would say something to her.
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parisian
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« Reply #21 on: January 09, 2015, 02:03:03 AM »

My 'baseline' needs in a relationship have always been good communication, shows love care respect and kindness. Lots of other qualities like easy going, good sense of humour, some element of physical attraction are important too, but the baseline needs have to be met first.

Anything else = no relationship.

Raging, lying, cheating, no empathy, ignoring me does not equal love, care, respect or kindness.

Good looking, exciting and passionate is superficial and okay for about 5 minutes, but does not = relationship material if those other things are missing. Learnt that the hard way Smiling (click to insert in post)
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paperlung
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« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2015, 02:51:43 AM »

Not as she is, no. God no.

Seconded.

If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it.

The question seems so straight forward and easy to answer. Like, it literally took me a second to answer because I already knew the outcome. I saw her over a week ago and didn't like what I saw or heard.

I told her 4 or 5 days ago I didn't want to talk to or see her anymore, and so far she's respected that by not contacting me. I figure she's occupied fooling around with somebody else right now. I doubt she's even thought much of me since. She can't go very long without male companionship.

I miss her, care about her, and wish she would get help.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2015, 08:38:33 AM »

No. I wasnt the perfect boyfriend, but I gave her what I had to give. Increasing demands, being slowly cut out of her life, treat me special or lose me threats, withholding affection, snarky comments, belittling comments like your old, some reason I was kept out of things like socializing with her friends, cutting me out of her kids schedules, no empathy or caring when I was sick, and other stuff that took me from a strong, manly man, that wore his heart on his sleeve, to someone who barely wants to get out of bed or, for that matter, trust anyone again. Finally, verbal attacks on my kids, not directly to them, thank god, but directly to me. Im distant where I used to be social. Im quiet, when I used to be fun. I have no interest, when I used to be involved. No, I dont need her in my life. Once was enough. My biggest hope is she gets her house taken away(so busy with her new social life) and has to move. Its been in foreclosure for almost 2 years, so that has be ending soon. She can go do whatever, Im not going along for the ride... .
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PaintedBlack28
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« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2015, 08:49:17 AM »

I dont think so. The disorder would ruin everything again. I found some peace now.
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« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2015, 09:47:03 AM »

No, because not once did he ever consider me or my feelings.  I am finally past the anger I felt, but I do not want someone in my life in any capacity who has no care or concern for me.
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« Reply #26 on: January 09, 2015, 09:55:17 AM »

In the last 2 year of our rs I lost my health, confidence, laughter, sanity,my savingsaccount, my job... .I am working hard to get myself back on track with everything. NO WAY in hell I'd ever jeopardize that again! And even if he was miraculously healed by a magic want, I'd never trust him again. I think 14 years of recycling and crap is enough.

On to bigger and better things now!
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Perdita
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« Reply #27 on: January 09, 2015, 11:34:48 AM »

I figure it would take him about 2 years of intense therapy to get to a level where I'd even consider it, but I know he will get bored, impatient, angry with the process and won't see it through.  Have wasted enough time on this jerk, always hoping for a different outcome.  Just never going to happen.  I am loyal as a dog and to him loyalty is a foreign concept. 
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iluminati
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« Reply #28 on: January 09, 2015, 12:07:26 PM »

Nope.  Even with DBT, there's too much bad blood to make up.  It would take a lot for even the most emotionally healthy person.  I'm not sure she could do it.
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Popcorn71
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« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2015, 02:28:35 PM »

An absolute NO!  This is for several reasons.  My family hate him and would not accept him again.  They would also turn against me if I had anything to do with him.  He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life and I could never forgive him and would always have a little bit of hate in me for him.  The trust between us has totally gone.  I used to trust him 100% but the way he dumped me for the replacement has made me question everything about our marriage.  I could never trust him or believe him again.  Finally, my life is better in so many ways since he left.  I don't really think I was happy or could be happy, living the life he wanted (that we had).

However, sometimes I want him to contact me and ask for another chance.  I have this weird little fantasy that I could let him think we would get back together, wait until he was very happy about it, then dump him as cruelly as he dumped me, so that he could know what it is like.  I know I could never do this in reality.  I couldn't lie and pretend as convincingly as he did.
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ADecadeLost
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« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2015, 03:23:40 PM »

She recently asked, and the answer is NO.  Even with the improvements she's made after two years in DBT, the damage is done.  I don't mind maintaining LC (and eventually even being a friend if she needs it), but I will never get romantically involved again.
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nowwhatz
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« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2015, 03:25:39 PM »

I have answered "no" to this question several times in the past and ended up recycling.

An absolute "NO" is how I would like to answer but if history means anything something would have to be different this time.

If I could meet someone that had some of the characteristics of my exgf without the mental illness then maybe I could be sure of an absolute "no."
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2015, 03:28:30 PM »

Yes, I'd take her back to the crazy store, show my receipt and demand for my money back.
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Tim300
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« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2015, 04:01:04 PM »

I was just wondering if your ex contacted you, apologised and said that they wanted to work things out, would you take them back?

No.  I couldn't.  I really wish there was a way for us to be friends (predominantly from a distance), but unfortunately that's not even possible because I'm straight up scared of her.  I worry that she will literally try to kill me or otherwise destroy my life.  I think my best bet to prevent this is to stay away.  It's crazy to think that this was my partner for 2.5 years, someone I'd known for 10+ years, and someone who I had planned to spend my life with -- but now I'll never see her, speak with her, or even get a chance to say a proper goodbye.  It's like she's died.  There could almost be a BPD graveyard with tombstones (for still-living BPDs) where you could go once a year and drop some flowers and give well wishes.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #34 on: January 11, 2015, 04:44:16 PM »

I was just wondering if your ex contacted you, apologised and said that they wanted to work things out, would you take them back?

No.  I couldn't.  I really wish there was a way for us to be friends (predominantly from a distance), but unfortunately that's not even possible because I'm straight up scared of her.  I worry that she will literally try to kill me or otherwise destroy my life.  I think my best bet to prevent this is to stay away.  It's crazy to think that this was my partner for 2.5 years, someone I'd known for 10+ years, and someone who I had planned to spend my life with -- but now I'll never see her, speak with her, or even get a chance to say a proper goodbye.  It's like she's died.  There could almost be a BPD graveyard with tombstones (for still-living BPDs) where you could go once a year and drop some flowers and give well wishes.

Wow... .yeah... .
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downwhim
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« Reply #35 on: January 11, 2015, 05:54:55 PM »

An absolute NO!  This is for several reasons.  My family hate him and would not accept him again.  They would also turn against me if I had anything to do with him.  He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life and I could never forgive him and would always have a little bit of hate in me for him.  The trust between us has totally gone.  I used to trust him 100% but the way he dumped me for the replacement has made me question everything about our marriage.  I could never trust him or believe him again.  Finally, my life is better in so many ways since he left.  I don't really think I was happy or could be happy, living the life he wanted (that we had).

However, sometimes I want him to contact me and ask for another chance.  I have this weird little fantasy that I could let him think we would get back together, wait until he was very happy about it, then dump him as cruelly as he dumped me, so that he could know what it is like.  I know I could never do this in reality.  I couldn't lie and pretend as convincingly as he did.

My sediments exactly. My family would be over the top if I took him back. And, I have the same fantasy, to hurt him back as much as he hurt me. Also, without sounding too dramatic, I would love the cops at her door (which is probably his door now) telling her to lay off the phone calls to me at 2:30 pm. What a ... .But, I hear you someday I want them to feel the pain they put us through.
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #36 on: January 11, 2015, 07:34:08 PM »

In all honesty, yes, I would take my exBPDbf back... .and he knows this, too. So even though he contacts me every now and then, he never tries to reengage. 

We never broke up and recycled, so maybe it's just a matter of "needing" to see it again, with more opened eyes. Perhaps I only thought I hit bottom before. 

I don't have any expectations of change. He's certainly more self-aware than most pwBPD I read about, and had done a lot of therapy by the time we met -- from the stories, I don't think I could have handled him in his 20s! -- but the core issues remain. I realize now just how serious and potentially devastating those issues are. I'm striving for radical acceptance (I think it's vital for detachment as well as for a r/s), but eventually I have to ask myself, why would I even think of wanting this again?

And the answer is complicated, and it's simple, and it's mine to work out.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2015, 03:26:13 AM »

In all honesty, yes, I would take my exBPDbf back... .and he knows this, too. So even though he contacts me every now and then, he never tries to reengage. 

We never broke up and recycled, so maybe it's just a matter of "needing" to see it again, with more opened eyes. Perhaps I only thought I hit bottom before. 

I don't have any expectations of change. He's certainly more self-aware than most pwBPD I read about, and had done a lot of therapy by the time we met -- from the stories, I don't think I could have handled him in his 20s! -- but the core issues remain. I realize now just how serious and potentially devastating those issues are. I'm striving for radical acceptance (I think it's vital for detachment as well as for a r/s), but eventually I have to ask myself, why would I even think of wanting this again?

And the answer is complicated, and it's simple, and it's mine to work out.

This answer is making me amend my answer (above: no), to be more honest.  There are things my ex could say that would make me want to try again.  I would try again.  Since he is the master at finding the thing to say to get what he wants, and since he did want to reconnect, I guess I am just lucky he hasn't spun the dial to say the magic words yet.  The magic words would be words of insight and growth.  Unlike some of your ex-partners, mine has the hardest time voicing that there was every even the slightest smallest thing wrong with any decision he ever made.  So I know it's a stretch for him.  But if he figured out those were the magic words (something I have never even hinted to him BTW), the truth is, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to see if it was deeper than surface level change.
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« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2015, 03:37:45 AM »

Yes, I'd take her back to the crazy store, show my receipt and demand for my money back.

LOL !
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« Reply #39 on: January 12, 2015, 04:00:21 AM »

No way, she doesn't deserve my love.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2015, 04:21:24 AM »

In the state I am now? Yes, probably I would. Im 6 weeks out and I miss her like hell.

So its a good thing she doesn't want me back right now. I would say yes.
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« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2015, 09:04:32 AM »

In the early days, if he had been accountable for the abuse and I really felt there was a chance that with help he'd change, I would have said yes.  But after a lot of self-reflection and inner work over the past 7 mths, I realise we have very, very different values and even if he learned to manage the BPD, I would always be compromising my beliefs and values in order to be with him.  I got so caught up in the great way he made me feel in the beginning that I didn't really look at how very different our values are.
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« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2015, 09:18:41 AM »

Still stick to my story. I miss her and I dont know why, but I wouldnt be able to survive another r/s with her.
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BPDGuy1
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« Reply #43 on: January 12, 2015, 10:50:59 AM »

I would rather have a pineapple violently inserted up my rectum!
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« Reply #44 on: January 12, 2015, 05:22:52 PM »

No I would not.  It took me a long time to heal from her cruelty.  I was angry at her for her betrayal.  I am no longer angry and my healing period is done.  I am in a much better (sane) place in my life.  I would be courteous to her but it would be a firm no.  I don't hate nor am angry at my exBPDgf but I would not want to deal with her issues again.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #45 on: January 12, 2015, 05:57:21 PM »

Not as a girlfriend, not as a friend. The access she once had to my life is denied permanently. I will never speak to or see her again.
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milo1967
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« Reply #46 on: January 12, 2015, 06:21:11 PM »

In my weaker moments, propelled by loneliness, three years after separation and one year after divorce, I still indulge in fantasies of my XW coming back. I miss deeply and profoundly all the good, and of course my family. But she really would need a brain transplant. Essentially she would have to have become the person who did not subject me to emotional torture; she would have to become the person who would not have been capable of it. So I sadly come out of my fantasy knowing that it is just that--fantasy, not based in reason or logic.

And even if she did become the person I wish she would be? And did all the right things for the rest of my life? I am so profoundly damaged by the ordeal that I would still be miserable with her and disgusted with myself for taking her back. 

So no.
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« Reply #47 on: January 12, 2015, 06:37:25 PM »

In an act of self preservation I told everyone I know what it had been like with her including that she has BPD. Friends, family and work colleagues, everyone knows. By doing that I made her potential return, if not impossible then at least very awkward should my resolve ever be weakened enough to consider it.
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Tim300
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« Reply #48 on: January 12, 2015, 06:51:46 PM »

In an act of self preservation I told everyone I know what it had been like with her including that she has BPD. Friends, family and work colleagues, everyone knows. By doing that I made her potential return, if not impossible then at least very awkward should my resolve ever be weakened enough to consider it.

Same.
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« Reply #49 on: January 12, 2015, 07:20:16 PM »

Up until I went NC, I would have welcomed her back with open arms.  And that's only because I was still very much in the FOG.  Her talons pierced deep and my self worth was derived almost entirely through appeasing her.  Now that I've been NC for almost 2 months (2 months on Wednesday, woot woot), there's no way I would ever take her back.  I deserve far better, despite how long it has taken me to admit this fact.

Edited to add: I second some of the comments regarding telling folks about how things ended and her condition.  I didn't broadcast it to the masses but I told my family and friends.  I clued in some of my coworkers that had gotten to know her.  I've been careful with mutual friends (there weren't many given she doesn't have many close friends) but I think some of them have realized that there's more to this than just two people not being able to make things work.
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« Reply #50 on: January 12, 2015, 07:27:20 PM »

No, no way.

I did take her back about 6-7 times... and each time was worse than the time before. In fact I remember thinking "How bad could it be?" and imagining it being bad... and then I took her back. All I can say is... .I was off an order of magnitude on bad... every time it was so much worse than I thought it could be. Last go round... .I feared she was planning on killing me... some neighbors witnessed the commotion and said they thought the same thing.

So... in my private moments I might long for what was, and could never work, and will never be again... .but its over.

Accepting it was toxic and can NEVER work... is tough, but it has made my life so much better.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #51 on: January 13, 2015, 02:09:50 PM »

Something that entered my head and became a mantra was: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.
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« Reply #52 on: January 13, 2015, 04:32:22 PM »

Something that entered my head and became a mantra was: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.

That hits it on the nail head.

The entire relationship was egoic... false self to false self.

There was a dreamy quality to it... .which I now realize was a nightmare.
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« Reply #53 on: January 13, 2015, 04:37:18 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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