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Author Topic: Would you take them back?  (Read 4222 times)
H Hi
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« on: January 08, 2015, 06:39:05 PM »

I was just wondering if your ex contacted you, apologised and said that they wanted to work things out, would you take them back?

I'd like to think I'd very firmly say no way!
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Hawk Ridge
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« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2015, 06:45:22 PM »

She left 9.5 months ago. For the first 8 months after, the answer would have likely been yes.  Then, in December, the fog lifted.  I started to recall things more clearly and realize the futility in hoping for a sustainable long term relationship should she ever come back.  I started to develop compassion rather than envy for my replacement (this comes and goes).   Now, i would have to say there is a 90% probability I would refuse if offered the opportunity.  I would like to resume a friendship as her main target is her SO.  Otherwise, the desire to reunify is mostly gone.  Wow, when the fog lifts, I notice there are blue skies, clouds, friends... .life.  :-)
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paperlung
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« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2015, 06:55:54 PM »

Not as she is, no. God no.
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neverloveagain
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2015, 07:06:01 PM »

At 9 months nc i would like to say no but i know part of me would jump into the fire with her. Just so i could feel alive myself.
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myself
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« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2015, 07:12:46 PM »

Letting go used to seem impossible. But now?

No. I wish her well, but she burned those bridges.

No trust = No relationship for us. Not even as friends.

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imstronghere2
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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2015, 07:17:22 PM »

Not for all the money in the world.  I'd rather be celibate and live in squalor for the rest of my life than ever have anything to do with my exwBPD again.

And so far, it looks like that's what I'm going to have to deal with.  She can rot in her own self made Hell.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2015, 07:20:04 PM »

No trust = No relationship for us. Not even as friends.

Exactly why I would answer with an unequivocal "no." 

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Pingo
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« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2015, 07:21:12 PM »

No trust = No relationship for us. Not even as friends.

Exactly why I would answer with an unequivocal "no." 

Me too!
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jjclark

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« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2015, 07:27:25 PM »

No.
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bunnyrabit
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« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2015, 07:29:30 PM »

To be part of some sick triangle situation? Yeah thanks but no thanks, I've spent enough time in the twilight zone, I'm craving some peace and normalcy in my life right now.
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ajr5679
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« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2015, 09:34:25 PM »

I would like to say no,but my addiction has allowed her to come back in my life three times now. One of them we had not even talked for two years and I allowed her back, just to go through the same thing again
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Waifed
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« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2015, 09:53:24 PM »

I couldn't do that to myself again.  Thankfully I am now aware that I am no more special to her than any of the others she's been with. I'm better than that. As a person she is not good enough for me.
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Infared
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« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2015, 10:04:25 PM »

If she found some way to ask me that (as she is cut off from all media) I would respond with no response. None.

I feel that I miss her... .but that can be my ONLY play.
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downwhim
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« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2015, 10:45:21 PM »

How can you possibly have a relationship without trust?
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patientandclear
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« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2015, 10:55:45 PM »

Thankfully I am now aware that I am no more special to her than any of the others she's been with. I'm better than that.

That's where I am. He was very special to me. I was not to him. That answers the question for me.
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JRT
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« Reply #15 on: January 08, 2015, 11:31:40 PM »

I am just not sure... .MAN did she every obliterate trust among the pain that she caused. My problem is in the way she left and what happened afterwards... .she must have been a mild BPD as the rest of my relationship was pretty decent... .

If mine came back, it would be under no uncertain conditions.
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Infern0
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« Reply #16 on: January 08, 2015, 11:54:06 PM »

Not as she is, no. God no.

Seconded.

If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it.
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Mutt
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« Reply #17 on: January 09, 2015, 12:05:10 AM »

I can't.

Not with eyes wide open.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
downwhim
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« Reply #18 on: January 09, 2015, 12:12:02 AM »

"If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it."


Ditto, plus my family and friends would lock me up!

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Infared
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« Reply #19 on: January 09, 2015, 12:14:08 AM »

"If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it."


Ditto, plus my family and friends would lock me up!

LOL!  +1000
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Infern0
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« Reply #20 on: January 09, 2015, 12:25:51 AM »

I get so much grief off my family and friends for having any contact with her at all, they ALL hate her.

If we ever were to get back together i'd be on edge 24/7 that one of them would say something to her.
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parisian
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« Reply #21 on: January 09, 2015, 02:03:03 AM »

My 'baseline' needs in a relationship have always been good communication, shows love care respect and kindness. Lots of other qualities like easy going, good sense of humour, some element of physical attraction are important too, but the baseline needs have to be met first.

Anything else = no relationship.

Raging, lying, cheating, no empathy, ignoring me does not equal love, care, respect or kindness.

Good looking, exciting and passionate is superficial and okay for about 5 minutes, but does not = relationship material if those other things are missing. Learnt that the hard way Smiling (click to insert in post)
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paperlung
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« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2015, 02:51:43 AM »

Not as she is, no. God no.

Seconded.

If she had had a lot of DBT (like a year at least) and could prove she had changed markedly, then i'd potentially consider it.

The way she is now though, no chance at all, nothing good could possibly come of it.

The question seems so straight forward and easy to answer. Like, it literally took me a second to answer because I already knew the outcome. I saw her over a week ago and didn't like what I saw or heard.

I told her 4 or 5 days ago I didn't want to talk to or see her anymore, and so far she's respected that by not contacting me. I figure she's occupied fooling around with somebody else right now. I doubt she's even thought much of me since. She can't go very long without male companionship.

I miss her, care about her, and wish she would get help.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2015, 08:38:33 AM »

No. I wasnt the perfect boyfriend, but I gave her what I had to give. Increasing demands, being slowly cut out of her life, treat me special or lose me threats, withholding affection, snarky comments, belittling comments like your old, some reason I was kept out of things like socializing with her friends, cutting me out of her kids schedules, no empathy or caring when I was sick, and other stuff that took me from a strong, manly man, that wore his heart on his sleeve, to someone who barely wants to get out of bed or, for that matter, trust anyone again. Finally, verbal attacks on my kids, not directly to them, thank god, but directly to me. Im distant where I used to be social. Im quiet, when I used to be fun. I have no interest, when I used to be involved. No, I dont need her in my life. Once was enough. My biggest hope is she gets her house taken away(so busy with her new social life) and has to move. Its been in foreclosure for almost 2 years, so that has be ending soon. She can go do whatever, Im not going along for the ride... .
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PaintedBlack28
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« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2015, 08:49:17 AM »

I dont think so. The disorder would ruin everything again. I found some peace now.
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1989
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« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2015, 09:47:03 AM »

No, because not once did he ever consider me or my feelings.  I am finally past the anger I felt, but I do not want someone in my life in any capacity who has no care or concern for me.
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Recooperating
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« Reply #26 on: January 09, 2015, 09:55:17 AM »

In the last 2 year of our rs I lost my health, confidence, laughter, sanity,my savingsaccount, my job... .I am working hard to get myself back on track with everything. NO WAY in hell I'd ever jeopardize that again! And even if he was miraculously healed by a magic want, I'd never trust him again. I think 14 years of recycling and crap is enough.

On to bigger and better things now!
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Perdita
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« Reply #27 on: January 09, 2015, 11:34:48 AM »

I figure it would take him about 2 years of intense therapy to get to a level where I'd even consider it, but I know he will get bored, impatient, angry with the process and won't see it through.  Have wasted enough time on this jerk, always hoping for a different outcome.  Just never going to happen.  I am loyal as a dog and to him loyalty is a foreign concept. 
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iluminati
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« Reply #28 on: January 09, 2015, 12:07:26 PM »

Nope.  Even with DBT, there's too much bad blood to make up.  It would take a lot for even the most emotionally healthy person.  I'm not sure she could do it.
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He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.~ Matthew 5:45
Popcorn71
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« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2015, 02:28:35 PM »

An absolute NO!  This is for several reasons.  My family hate him and would not accept him again.  They would also turn against me if I had anything to do with him.  He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life and I could never forgive him and would always have a little bit of hate in me for him.  The trust between us has totally gone.  I used to trust him 100% but the way he dumped me for the replacement has made me question everything about our marriage.  I could never trust him or believe him again.  Finally, my life is better in so many ways since he left.  I don't really think I was happy or could be happy, living the life he wanted (that we had).

However, sometimes I want him to contact me and ask for another chance.  I have this weird little fantasy that I could let him think we would get back together, wait until he was very happy about it, then dump him as cruelly as he dumped me, so that he could know what it is like.  I know I could never do this in reality.  I couldn't lie and pretend as convincingly as he did.
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