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Author Topic: What did your ex BPD say at break-up?  (Read 6150 times)
wavelife
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« on: January 20, 2015, 03:32:53 PM »

I am pretty new to the forum and have got a lot of encouragement and information in a very short time.

One thing that keeps repeating itself in most everyone's story is the lack of empathy at break-up.  The quick replacement and the lack of any sort of substantial apology.

When my wife left there was nothing every said like:

"I am sorry I was unfaithful"

I am sorry I starved you of any love or affection"

"I am sorry I treated you so horribly"

What was said was:

"Sorry this didn't work"

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

An empty apology and a cop out.

Funny thing is every time she left and I moved on... .the moment I started a new relationship and she heard about it she would be at my door having zero problem showing love when their was another woman in my life.   When I am ready to start dating again... .I will keep it very quiet!

It is very hard, the lack of closure at the end of one of these relationships.

A person has to dig deep to forgive someone who cannot even apologize nor thinks they did a single thing wrong.

What did your ex BPD say to you?


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Jack2727
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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2015, 03:37:57 PM »

Wow!

She used the same words

"Sorry this didn't work"

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

Also said

"I'm sorry" No real explanation.

"I don't feel a spark of connection"

I thought that was laughable because we were together seven months and she never opened up to me.

The callousness of the dump is still what gets me. She did said that she hopes I can forgive her someday. But just the abrupt severing of the relationship is what still stings. This is a person I pretty much lived with this summer.

I have no proof that she has another guy but Im sure if she didnt she is in the process of getting one.
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Maternus
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« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2015, 04:47:52 PM »

Mine said:

"I can't be your your messiah any more."

"I can't raise three children."

"Someone has to be clear-headed and that is me."

I was so shocked an desperate, I swallowed her allegations. In the beginning she called me her messiah, she told me, she needed me to help her raise her children and told me, how clear-headed I am. I was not her messiah, not her parent and not clear-headed at the end of our relationship. I was not, because I was stale, had no energy, I lost myself.

She was clear-headed? Her children became ill after the break-up, my replacement moved in immediately, she had no empathy for her children - it was her choice and they had to accept it.
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saintjude

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« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2015, 05:03:51 PM »

It depends on which breakup... .

1 - "I never loved you and was pressured into marrying you" (this after me declining her pleading with me to get married after just a few months... .we waited a year.)

2 - "I love you, i just need to get away and think (proceeded to  run away with a high school friend who she hadn't seen or talked to in 15 years other than the online affair that had developed)

3 - "I'm too broken. I'm a broken person incapable of loving. You are the only one for me, but I need to be alone. (while having an affair w/ another guy)

The breakup stories here are tragic and crazy making. Reading others accounts have *really* helped me in the de-personalization of things. Still hurts like hell, but knowing that the 3rd party of BPD is in the mix lessens the sting... .slightly.
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fred6
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« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2015, 05:11:32 PM »

Mine used all of the canned generic cheesy sayings that she could get her hands on.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you - If anyone in your life ever says this to you they are probably cheating on you.

It's not you, it's me - No $hit Sherlock.

I have to fix myself before I can be in a relationship - Would have been nice to know that before you wasted 36 months of my life plus another year recovery time from your abusive treatment.

I still want to be friends *while crying* - Yeah, that's why I haven't seen or heard from you since the day I moved out.

These people are habitual liars. I doesn't matter what they say, it matters what they do or don't do.


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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2015, 05:21:11 PM »

Excerpt
"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

That's true isn't it?  Maybe she did you a favor, at least in that sense?
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fred6
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« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2015, 05:25:37 PM »

I read something a while back and had to go find it again. To expand upon, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".



“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'”
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Copperfox
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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2015, 05:26:47 PM »

"I can't do this anymore"

"It didn't work"


Never found out what either of those actually meant, the day before she "loved me so much" and wanted us to be "permanent" ... .

I still wonder if by didn't work she meant absolve her childhood wounds, fill her inner emptiness, and when I couldn't, it didn't "work"
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JRT
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« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2015, 05:30:37 PM »

after two years... .via text... .out of nowhere... .not preceded by a fight or disagreement... .3 weeks after she moved and and were planning our wedding:

Our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do NOT try to contact me

4 months later and I have still not spoken with her as she blocked me everywhere... .

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wavelife
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« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2015, 05:36:26 PM »

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

That's true isn't it?  Maybe she did you a favor, at least in that sense?

Yes it is true, and yes I do feel like she did me a favor.

Hard part as you heal and detach is the cycle of showing love and then not showing that she did. Capable one week... .then incapable for weeks on end.

Most of it does sound like a cop out to me.

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.
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fred6
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« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2015, 05:47:05 PM »

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.

Isn't it interesting though? As the relationship progresses, the more 2 people should grow closer. But really, she grows incapable of growing closer, until the relationship finally implodes. Then all of a sudden, she becomes capable of giving again to the replacement. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. As much as all of this hurts sometimes, it really is kind of fascinating.
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Recooperating
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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2015, 05:50:22 PM »

Mine ironically said: " I knew you would do this" Then raged and raged... .Raged some more. He send my friends and sister an email, raged how awefull I am and that I must be a lesbian  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) (must be cause who could resist the charm of an N/BPD!) Then he said he was moving on, dating 5 20 year old knock outs and got back together with the woman he cheated with (2 weeks past b/u)... .

No contact since, no apology, just nice and quiet Silence! He's lurking on social media though... .
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Jack2727
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« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2015, 05:52:03 PM »

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.

Isn't it interesting though? As the relationship progresses, the more 2 people should grow closer. But really, she grows incapable of growing closer, until the relationship finally implodes. Then all of a sudden, she becomes capable of giving again to the replacement. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. As much as all of this hurts sometimes, it really is kind of fascinating.

You nailed it Fred!

That is what irks me the most right now. She wrecked havoc and f'ed up my life and now she is in the process of vetting my replacement. Heck, she might have him already and she will magically become sexual again and give the new guy what I waited for months. And when that implodes months from now I will receive a random contact from her.

You guessed! Just when I am completely over her and have started to rebuild.

The funny thing is that my replacement or eventual replacement is out there and totally blind to this. He has no idea that she is the black widow and he is the prey.
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hurting300
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« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2015, 07:05:03 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.
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« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2015, 07:48:12 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I'm sure coming home from work and finding them disappeared is a painful and perplexing situation.  I can sympathize.  However, I'm not so sure vague statements about things not working quite qualify as closure.  In a normal breakup people tend to have reasons why things didn't work, even if the other party perhaps disagrees.  

In my case, she just said it didn't work, nothing more (other than a couple bizarre projection word-salad statements), the day after being completely in love and telling me her I was her dream man.  The sudden shifts in mood and feelings are perplexing, whether they simply dissappear or make some vague statements and then run away.  Abruptness seems to be a BPD trademark.
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jjclark

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« Reply #15 on: January 20, 2015, 08:09:07 PM »

Abruptness indeed.  It seems to be the easy way out, walk away and move on. I envied that part of her for some time.

Whatever was said was probably said to help them feel better.  I doubt there was empathy in there, a large part of me believes that most people living with N/BPD are unable to produce that in their brain.  With some distance, one can really see the wounds of a child who was too often ignored, belittled and/or made to feel they are unworthy of attention.  Re-victimized over and over growing up.




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JRT
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« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2015, 08:09:46 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.
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JRT
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« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2015, 08:10:40 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I'm sure coming home from work and finding them disappeared is a painful and perplexing situation.  I can sympathize.  However, I'm not so sure vague statements about things not working quite qualify as closure.  In a normal breakup people tend to have reasons why things didn't work, even if the other party perhaps disagrees.  

In my case, she just said it didn't work, nothing more (other than a couple bizarre projection word-salad statements), the day after being completely in love and telling me her I was her dream man.  The sudden shifts in mood and feelings are perplexing, whether they simply dissappear or make some vague statements and then run away.  Abruptness seems to be a BPD trademark.

Its better closure than having them simply disappear... .I would have welcomed SOME kind of discord.
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christin5433
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« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2015, 08:13:56 PM »

This question is good to laugh at and cry.

Mine did it like this ... .

Told me I needed to change everything good in our relationship that kept us somewhat connected... .

" I don't want to call you Hun I want to call you by your first name"

" I feel like you are rigid by saying I love you and greeting each other after work"

" I need space ( this ones a crack up because I was gone almost every other night due to her arguing w me over these topics . I'd drive around for hour or 2 until she'd tell me to come home Hun and Id know she was calm)

Plus I slept on couch 3-4 times a week because I'd ask her to not talk about conflict right before bed . I just wanted to kiss and say goodnight or talk about pleasant topics.

So space was not needed.

I needed to be loved not be a person to fight with.

She told me she was going to leave me if I was not willing to change all of her crazy demands

She told me this relationship is toxic

She told me she was supporting me and my kids the same people she considered her family for 4 years. She wasn't the sole supporter?

She said I was the reason she was not happy anymore and I was the reason for all her problems ... ..

I can list more ! 6 days before Christmas .

I told her I accept her threat to move out!

She went psycho on me. I watched silently as the drama of a holiday gone to junk and a terrible b/u w a huge smear campaign and turned off everything we had split on w/o any consideration .

I was a good person to her but she just went black because I didn't care to fight anymore.

I was too tired of it all. Just couldn't make sense of it ?

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fred6
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« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2015, 08:28:09 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I'm sure coming home from work and finding them disappeared is a painful and perplexing situation.  I can sympathize.  However, I'm not so sure vague statements about things not working quite qualify as closure.  In a normal breakup people tend to have reasons why things didn't work, even if the other party perhaps disagrees.  

In my case, she just said it didn't work, nothing more (other than a couple bizarre projection word-salad statements), the day after being completely in love and telling me her I was her dream man.  The sudden shifts in mood and feelings are perplexing, whether they simply dissappear or make some vague statements and then run away.  Abruptness seems to be a BPD trademark.

Its better closure than having them simply disappear... .I would have welcomed SOME kind of discord.

The person that I knew did disappear and a stranger took her place. A cold, ruthless, unemphatic, selfish a$$hole was now abusing me for 2 months until I secured a place to live. Worst thing that I ever dealt with in my life. So maybe it's a good thing that she just disappeared and spared you some abuse. Abandoned, abused, or abandoned and abused. Does it really matter? The fact is that we were taken advantage of by a mentally disordered person. Some worse than others, but then again some here can handle more than others. We were all treated poorly. 
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2015, 08:40:34 PM »

It's not you, it's me - No $hit Sherlock.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2015, 08:45:20 PM »

After months of lies, disrespect, abuse, and infidelity, and culminating in a week-long rage on a cruise ship, as I was without-a-question leaving, she said "I'm sorry you're not having a good time right now."  Uh huh.  Whatever.  Later.
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« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2015, 09:24:05 PM »

"I finally know what I want"... .You think you could told me that earlier perhaps?
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hurting300
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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2015, 09:26:33 PM »

It is true we all got treated poorly.
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hurting300
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« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2015, 09:28:34 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
ReluctantSurvivor
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2015, 11:31:15 PM »

A sudden, out of nowhere two week silent treatment.  She quit eating for those two weeks.  Then a tear filled rage:

I hate you, I hate the sight of you!  Everything is always about you.  

Major projection.  It was like watching a little girl lash out at her father.  Her behavior for over a month fits the criteria for a psychotic episode.
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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2015, 11:37:15 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

Mine is stalking me on FB right now... .although she blocked me and created a new account to do so. What does it mean?
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hurting300
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« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2015, 11:41:55 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

Mine is stalking me on FB right now... .although she blocked me and created a new account to do so. What does it mean?

It doesn't mean anything, because it's disordered actions. Mine always blocked me while fighting, but not this time. She deactivated her Facebook, when she finally did reactivate it i blocked her. But, I did notice all of her sweet status updates about me were still up. Question? If you hate someone enough to discard without word or warning why leave the memories up on your wall? It's called crazy jrt.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2015, 11:43:45 PM »

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.

Isn't it interesting though? As the relationship progresses, the more 2 people should grow closer. But really, she grows incapable of growing closer, until the relationship finally implodes. Then all of a sudden, she becomes capable of giving again to the replacement. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. As much as all of this hurts sometimes, it really is kind of fascinating.

It's tragic really.  I am 99% over being hurt or angry at my ex.  I just shake my head at the horror of living with such a twisted psyche.  I can heal, grow and find a healthy partner.  She has and is doing the exact same thing over and over.  She already burned through one replacement, he showed her the curb after 3 months when he realized she is crazy.
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Angry obsessive thoughts about another weaken your state of mind and well being. If you must have revenge, then take it by choosing to be happy and let them go forever.
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« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2015, 11:50:49 PM »

this came out of the blue her previous text finished with xxxs

 This is what i have done: I have got a house, a rented house. I'm with a man I've known from childhood and we are going to get married and we are going to provide a stable and therapeutic environment for the kids.  The only communication we have will be via email, I'll set up an account for communicating with you regarding access to **** and the girls if you want to see them also. I have obviously been getting texts etc from them, and they are outraged and very upset and angry with me, but they don't know what has been going on, do they?  I'm going to have to apply to Centrelink, seriously now. I don't know if your records etc will be needed, I suspect that they will, because they don't pay child support unless it is proven the father can't pay etc. But I will need that income as I won't be able to earn anything for a while yet.  I have notified the police. I will not be goaded into being in your physical presence. I won't talk on the phone, because it will cause a massive scene in front of the kids and I am worried about them being damaged.  You can decide how you want to proceed with property etc and let me know.  I have to do this for myself, this WILL KILL ME. I know this. This is probably the last chance I am going to get to stay alive naturally. You know I love the children and I know I will stay healthy now and provide them with everything that they really need to grow up.  Think about all of this before you react any further. I don't want to talk to you, because it is counterproductive. This is where the big wall needs to come up and communication needs to be in a safe environment, regardless of what you think about me. Please just put the kids first. I want my children with me as always permanently. I will be fair.
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