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Author Topic: What did your ex BPD say at break-up?  (Read 6165 times)
wavelife
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« on: January 20, 2015, 03:32:53 PM »

I am pretty new to the forum and have got a lot of encouragement and information in a very short time.

One thing that keeps repeating itself in most everyone's story is the lack of empathy at break-up.  The quick replacement and the lack of any sort of substantial apology.

When my wife left there was nothing every said like:

"I am sorry I was unfaithful"

I am sorry I starved you of any love or affection"

"I am sorry I treated you so horribly"

What was said was:

"Sorry this didn't work"

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

An empty apology and a cop out.

Funny thing is every time she left and I moved on... .the moment I started a new relationship and she heard about it she would be at my door having zero problem showing love when their was another woman in my life.   When I am ready to start dating again... .I will keep it very quiet!

It is very hard, the lack of closure at the end of one of these relationships.

A person has to dig deep to forgive someone who cannot even apologize nor thinks they did a single thing wrong.

What did your ex BPD say to you?


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Jack2727
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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2015, 03:37:57 PM »

Wow!

She used the same words

"Sorry this didn't work"

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

Also said

"I'm sorry" No real explanation.

"I don't feel a spark of connection"

I thought that was laughable because we were together seven months and she never opened up to me.

The callousness of the dump is still what gets me. She did said that she hopes I can forgive her someday. But just the abrupt severing of the relationship is what still stings. This is a person I pretty much lived with this summer.

I have no proof that she has another guy but Im sure if she didnt she is in the process of getting one.
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Maternus
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« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2015, 04:47:52 PM »

Mine said:

"I can't be your your messiah any more."

"I can't raise three children."

"Someone has to be clear-headed and that is me."

I was so shocked an desperate, I swallowed her allegations. In the beginning she called me her messiah, she told me, she needed me to help her raise her children and told me, how clear-headed I am. I was not her messiah, not her parent and not clear-headed at the end of our relationship. I was not, because I was stale, had no energy, I lost myself.

She was clear-headed? Her children became ill after the break-up, my replacement moved in immediately, she had no empathy for her children - it was her choice and they had to accept it.
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saintjude

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« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2015, 05:03:51 PM »

It depends on which breakup... .

1 - "I never loved you and was pressured into marrying you" (this after me declining her pleading with me to get married after just a few months... .we waited a year.)

2 - "I love you, i just need to get away and think (proceeded to  run away with a high school friend who she hadn't seen or talked to in 15 years other than the online affair that had developed)

3 - "I'm too broken. I'm a broken person incapable of loving. You are the only one for me, but I need to be alone. (while having an affair w/ another guy)

The breakup stories here are tragic and crazy making. Reading others accounts have *really* helped me in the de-personalization of things. Still hurts like hell, but knowing that the 3rd party of BPD is in the mix lessens the sting... .slightly.
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fred6
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« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2015, 05:11:32 PM »

Mine used all of the canned generic cheesy sayings that she could get her hands on.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you - If anyone in your life ever says this to you they are probably cheating on you.

It's not you, it's me - No $hit Sherlock.

I have to fix myself before I can be in a relationship - Would have been nice to know that before you wasted 36 months of my life plus another year recovery time from your abusive treatment.

I still want to be friends *while crying* - Yeah, that's why I haven't seen or heard from you since the day I moved out.

These people are habitual liars. I doesn't matter what they say, it matters what they do or don't do.


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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2015, 05:21:11 PM »

Excerpt
"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

That's true isn't it?  Maybe she did you a favor, at least in that sense?
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fred6
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« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2015, 05:25:37 PM »

I read something a while back and had to go find it again. To expand upon, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".



“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'”
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Copperfox
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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2015, 05:26:47 PM »

"I can't do this anymore"

"It didn't work"


Never found out what either of those actually meant, the day before she "loved me so much" and wanted us to be "permanent" ... .

I still wonder if by didn't work she meant absolve her childhood wounds, fill her inner emptiness, and when I couldn't, it didn't "work"
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JRT
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« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2015, 05:30:37 PM »

after two years... .via text... .out of nowhere... .not preceded by a fight or disagreement... .3 weeks after she moved and and were planning our wedding:

Our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do NOT try to contact me

4 months later and I have still not spoken with her as she blocked me everywhere... .

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wavelife
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« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2015, 05:36:26 PM »

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

That's true isn't it?  Maybe she did you a favor, at least in that sense?

Yes it is true, and yes I do feel like she did me a favor.

Hard part as you heal and detach is the cycle of showing love and then not showing that she did. Capable one week... .then incapable for weeks on end.

Most of it does sound like a cop out to me.

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.
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fred6
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« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2015, 05:47:05 PM »

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.

Isn't it interesting though? As the relationship progresses, the more 2 people should grow closer. But really, she grows incapable of growing closer, until the relationship finally implodes. Then all of a sudden, she becomes capable of giving again to the replacement. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. As much as all of this hurts sometimes, it really is kind of fascinating.
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Recooperating
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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2015, 05:50:22 PM »

Mine ironically said: " I knew you would do this" Then raged and raged... .Raged some more. He send my friends and sister an email, raged how awefull I am and that I must be a lesbian  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) (must be cause who could resist the charm of an N/BPD!) Then he said he was moving on, dating 5 20 year old knock outs and got back together with the woman he cheated with (2 weeks past b/u)... .

No contact since, no apology, just nice and quiet Silence! He's lurking on social media though... .
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Jack2727
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« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2015, 05:52:03 PM »

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.

Isn't it interesting though? As the relationship progresses, the more 2 people should grow closer. But really, she grows incapable of growing closer, until the relationship finally implodes. Then all of a sudden, she becomes capable of giving again to the replacement. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. As much as all of this hurts sometimes, it really is kind of fascinating.

You nailed it Fred!

That is what irks me the most right now. She wrecked havoc and f'ed up my life and now she is in the process of vetting my replacement. Heck, she might have him already and she will magically become sexual again and give the new guy what I waited for months. And when that implodes months from now I will receive a random contact from her.

You guessed! Just when I am completely over her and have started to rebuild.

The funny thing is that my replacement or eventual replacement is out there and totally blind to this. He has no idea that she is the black widow and he is the prey.
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hurting300
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« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2015, 07:05:03 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.
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« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2015, 07:48:12 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I'm sure coming home from work and finding them disappeared is a painful and perplexing situation.  I can sympathize.  However, I'm not so sure vague statements about things not working quite qualify as closure.  In a normal breakup people tend to have reasons why things didn't work, even if the other party perhaps disagrees.  

In my case, she just said it didn't work, nothing more (other than a couple bizarre projection word-salad statements), the day after being completely in love and telling me her I was her dream man.  The sudden shifts in mood and feelings are perplexing, whether they simply dissappear or make some vague statements and then run away.  Abruptness seems to be a BPD trademark.
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jjclark

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« Reply #15 on: January 20, 2015, 08:09:07 PM »

Abruptness indeed.  It seems to be the easy way out, walk away and move on. I envied that part of her for some time.

Whatever was said was probably said to help them feel better.  I doubt there was empathy in there, a large part of me believes that most people living with N/BPD are unable to produce that in their brain.  With some distance, one can really see the wounds of a child who was too often ignored, belittled and/or made to feel they are unworthy of attention.  Re-victimized over and over growing up.




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JRT
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« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2015, 08:09:46 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.
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JRT
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« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2015, 08:10:40 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I'm sure coming home from work and finding them disappeared is a painful and perplexing situation.  I can sympathize.  However, I'm not so sure vague statements about things not working quite qualify as closure.  In a normal breakup people tend to have reasons why things didn't work, even if the other party perhaps disagrees.  

In my case, she just said it didn't work, nothing more (other than a couple bizarre projection word-salad statements), the day after being completely in love and telling me her I was her dream man.  The sudden shifts in mood and feelings are perplexing, whether they simply dissappear or make some vague statements and then run away.  Abruptness seems to be a BPD trademark.

Its better closure than having them simply disappear... .I would have welcomed SOME kind of discord.
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christin5433
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« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2015, 08:13:56 PM »

This question is good to laugh at and cry.

Mine did it like this ... .

Told me I needed to change everything good in our relationship that kept us somewhat connected... .

" I don't want to call you Hun I want to call you by your first name"

" I feel like you are rigid by saying I love you and greeting each other after work"

" I need space ( this ones a crack up because I was gone almost every other night due to her arguing w me over these topics . I'd drive around for hour or 2 until she'd tell me to come home Hun and Id know she was calm)

Plus I slept on couch 3-4 times a week because I'd ask her to not talk about conflict right before bed . I just wanted to kiss and say goodnight or talk about pleasant topics.

So space was not needed.

I needed to be loved not be a person to fight with.

She told me she was going to leave me if I was not willing to change all of her crazy demands

She told me this relationship is toxic

She told me she was supporting me and my kids the same people she considered her family for 4 years. She wasn't the sole supporter?

She said I was the reason she was not happy anymore and I was the reason for all her problems ... ..

I can list more ! 6 days before Christmas .

I told her I accept her threat to move out!

She went psycho on me. I watched silently as the drama of a holiday gone to junk and a terrible b/u w a huge smear campaign and turned off everything we had split on w/o any consideration .

I was a good person to her but she just went black because I didn't care to fight anymore.

I was too tired of it all. Just couldn't make sense of it ?

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fred6
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« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2015, 08:28:09 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I'm sure coming home from work and finding them disappeared is a painful and perplexing situation.  I can sympathize.  However, I'm not so sure vague statements about things not working quite qualify as closure.  In a normal breakup people tend to have reasons why things didn't work, even if the other party perhaps disagrees.  

In my case, she just said it didn't work, nothing more (other than a couple bizarre projection word-salad statements), the day after being completely in love and telling me her I was her dream man.  The sudden shifts in mood and feelings are perplexing, whether they simply dissappear or make some vague statements and then run away.  Abruptness seems to be a BPD trademark.

Its better closure than having them simply disappear... .I would have welcomed SOME kind of discord.

The person that I knew did disappear and a stranger took her place. A cold, ruthless, unemphatic, selfish a$$hole was now abusing me for 2 months until I secured a place to live. Worst thing that I ever dealt with in my life. So maybe it's a good thing that she just disappeared and spared you some abuse. Abandoned, abused, or abandoned and abused. Does it really matter? The fact is that we were taken advantage of by a mentally disordered person. Some worse than others, but then again some here can handle more than others. We were all treated poorly. 
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2015, 08:40:34 PM »

It's not you, it's me - No $hit Sherlock.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2015, 08:45:20 PM »

After months of lies, disrespect, abuse, and infidelity, and culminating in a week-long rage on a cruise ship, as I was without-a-question leaving, she said "I'm sorry you're not having a good time right now."  Uh huh.  Whatever.  Later.
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« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2015, 09:24:05 PM »

"I finally know what I want"... .You think you could told me that earlier perhaps?
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hurting300
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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2015, 09:26:33 PM »

It is true we all got treated poorly.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
hurting300
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« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2015, 09:28:34 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
ReluctantSurvivor
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2015, 11:31:15 PM »

A sudden, out of nowhere two week silent treatment.  She quit eating for those two weeks.  Then a tear filled rage:

I hate you, I hate the sight of you!  Everything is always about you.  

Major projection.  It was like watching a little girl lash out at her father.  Her behavior for over a month fits the criteria for a psychotic episode.
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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2015, 11:37:15 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

Mine is stalking me on FB right now... .although she blocked me and created a new account to do so. What does it mean?
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hurting300
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« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2015, 11:41:55 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

Mine is stalking me on FB right now... .although she blocked me and created a new account to do so. What does it mean?

It doesn't mean anything, because it's disordered actions. Mine always blocked me while fighting, but not this time. She deactivated her Facebook, when she finally did reactivate it i blocked her. But, I did notice all of her sweet status updates about me were still up. Question? If you hate someone enough to discard without word or warning why leave the memories up on your wall? It's called crazy jrt.
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« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2015, 11:43:45 PM »

At the end of it all she probably gave what she was capable of at the time.

Isn't it interesting though? As the relationship progresses, the more 2 people should grow closer. But really, she grows incapable of growing closer, until the relationship finally implodes. Then all of a sudden, she becomes capable of giving again to the replacement. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. As much as all of this hurts sometimes, it really is kind of fascinating.

It's tragic really.  I am 99% over being hurt or angry at my ex.  I just shake my head at the horror of living with such a twisted psyche.  I can heal, grow and find a healthy partner.  She has and is doing the exact same thing over and over.  She already burned through one replacement, he showed her the curb after 3 months when he realized she is crazy.
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« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2015, 11:50:49 PM »

this came out of the blue her previous text finished with xxxs

 This is what i have done: I have got a house, a rented house. I'm with a man I've known from childhood and we are going to get married and we are going to provide a stable and therapeutic environment for the kids.  The only communication we have will be via email, I'll set up an account for communicating with you regarding access to **** and the girls if you want to see them also. I have obviously been getting texts etc from them, and they are outraged and very upset and angry with me, but they don't know what has been going on, do they?  I'm going to have to apply to Centrelink, seriously now. I don't know if your records etc will be needed, I suspect that they will, because they don't pay child support unless it is proven the father can't pay etc. But I will need that income as I won't be able to earn anything for a while yet.  I have notified the police. I will not be goaded into being in your physical presence. I won't talk on the phone, because it will cause a massive scene in front of the kids and I am worried about them being damaged.  You can decide how you want to proceed with property etc and let me know.  I have to do this for myself, this WILL KILL ME. I know this. This is probably the last chance I am going to get to stay alive naturally. You know I love the children and I know I will stay healthy now and provide them with everything that they really need to grow up.  Think about all of this before you react any further. I don't want to talk to you, because it is counterproductive. This is where the big wall needs to come up and communication needs to be in a safe environment, regardless of what you think about me. Please just put the kids first. I want my children with me as always permanently. I will be fair.
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« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2015, 11:52:17 PM »

OK, let's see... .



Find someone else that can dote on you.

I loved you for 8 years, I love you now.

It is all about you.

I want to get on with my life (we were engaged0.

No! I don't want to talk.

I am going to start doing what I want now (we were engage).

I never dated when we broke up last time (18 months - his choice).

We are through and we need to go our own ways now.

It is best for me if we break up.

ALL ABOUT HIM. NEVER GET ENGAGED TO A BPD. IT IS HIS TICKET TO RUN. WAY TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO THINK ABOUT FOREVER I AM SURE.

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« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2015, 11:53:16 PM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

Mine is stalking me on FB right now... .although she blocked me and created a new account to do so. What does it mean?

It doesn't mean anything, because it's disordered actions. Mine always blocked me while fighting, but not this time. She deactivated her Facebook, when she finally did reactivate it i blocked her. But, I did notice all of her sweet status updates about me were still up. Question? If you hate someone enough to discard without word or warning why leave the memories up on your wall? It's called crazy jrt.

WOAH! Incredible! Mine did something like that too. After she blocked me, there was a friend of mine that she didn't unfreind at that point. She told me the same thing: that all of the pictures of me were still there! I wonder if the b/u is just a temporary thing to them, that ends up lingering. Or it might be that they are not able to fully detach as others point out.
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« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2015, 12:21:35 AM »

Mine actually walked up to my door and knocked while I was gone. My next door neighbor told me. 8 weeks after she disappeared. My friend, I don't think they ever truly and fully detach. You might never see her again, or she might just surprise you. I've read more stories of them making contact again than not. Yes they stalk, yes they keep tabs. They don't detach. Sometimes we don't either.
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« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2015, 12:27:38 AM »

I know... .mine is stalking my FB page even though she blocked me... .I just don't get that part; she is incredibly angry (to the extent that she called the cops when I tried to call her on xmas... .the first, in her city, PD turned her away so she drove to the next town over just to get them to make a call to me), yet she stalks me on FB every day!
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« Reply #34 on: January 21, 2015, 12:29:59 AM »

I know... .mine is stalking my FB page even though she blocked me... .I just don't get that part; she is incredibly angry (to the extent that she called the cops when I tried to call her on xmas... .the first, in her city, PD turned her away so she drove to the next town over just to get them to make a call to me), yet she stalks me on FB every day!

you can do much better than her man. You shouldn't even try putting all of her actions together because you can never make sense out of it.
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« Reply #35 on: January 21, 2015, 12:32:31 AM »

I appreciate that... .its wild what I hear on this forum... .but I didn't have that with her... .we had a great relationship... .the only problem is that mine disappears when things get too heavy
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« Reply #36 on: January 21, 2015, 01:15:25 AM »

I appreciate that... .its wild what I hear on this forum... .but I didn't have that with her... .we had a great relationship... .the only problem is that mine disappears when things get too heavy

and most likely she always will. But that's not for me to say.
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« Reply #37 on: January 21, 2015, 01:32:53 AM »

I appreciate that... .its wild what I hear on this forum... .but I didn't have that with her... .we had a great relationship... .the only problem is that mine disappears when things get too heavy

and most likely she always will. But that's not for me to say.

Agree ... .until she gets help... .which I understand that she is.
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« Reply #38 on: January 21, 2015, 01:52:50 AM »

My BPDexgf had me go round pick her up for a nice evening out at our favourite pub. Had the love you on the tex messages prior to pick up. Picked her up went to the pub everything seemed as normal as they get with her, then boom like a clicked light switch i realise im looking into her 'glassy' eyes where she off loaded all her shame and guilt of the things she had been doing behind my back with didnt i tell you this would happen sighs, yes 10 years ago you did mention something like this. Then she dissapeared and ran away. Love thy waif the cold metal knife between your shoulder blades.
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« Reply #39 on: January 21, 2015, 02:13:45 AM »

Well, well, well. How should I explain all this... .My ex broke up with me a handful of times. Some break ups lasting less than 24 hours. It was a crazy ride.

1. The first time she broke up with me was maybe 4 or 5 months in. She all of a sudden went cold on me and told me she didn't love me anymore/that the spark was gone. I thought things were going pretty good. In less than 24 hours, she calls to apologize and says, "You know what I get like when I'm depressed."

2. 6 or 7 months in. Same thing. Spark was gone/didn't feel in love anymore/couldn't relate to me/too different. In 24 hours we're back together. I wasn't even too concerned at this attempt of her's after what had happened the first time.

3. 14 or 15 months in. She had been having an online affair with somebody twice her age who lived thousands of miles away. She told me she was breaking up with me because she was in love with him and wanted to meet him. That same night she broke up with me, her ex-boyfriend comes over and they have sex. The next day she calls me up and explains to me what she did. Tells me she wants my help. That she is aware how screwed in the head she is. I offer to help her find treatment/therapy (she doesn't drive/has anxiety/agoraphobia). She's like a scared child.

4. Maybe like a week or two after the third break up, I log into her Skype and see that the affair is continuing. I go to her apartment (I had a key), tell her I know everything, and dump all of her stuff out on her bed in front of her. She jumps at me and starts striking me with her fists, saying how much she hates me (Me? What did I do wrong?). I grab her wrists to stop her from hitting me until she cooled down. She then went into her living place and starts throwing off the ornaments on her Christmas tree in every direction like a little brat. I collect my things and as I walk out the door she says, "I'm going to kill myself." I call her dad and sister, as well as 9-11. I could go on about that... .but I'll stop there. So my replacement takes plane over to stay with her at her apartment just a few days later. They sleep together. The next morning I get a call from her. She's crying on the phone. I ask her what she wants, and she says, "You." We agree to meet in my car outside of her apartment. She tells me how he's staying with her but realizes after having met him that she doesn't love him that way and that she wants to work things out with me. I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her unless she got serious about therapy/treatment. She agrees. The guy stays with her for maybe 6 more days and they do nothing but stay in her apartment and watch movies/talk supposedly. During that time, she would send me text messages telling me how much she missed me and that her chest felt heavy without me. Although I later found out she slept with him again the night before he was supposed to leave... .

5. The same day he leaves, I come over to her apartment and I can tell she is already missing him. She is now feeling conflicted on who she wants to be with. Says she loves both of us. I didn't put up with this triangulation for very long. Maybe like a week or two. I tell her to just go be with him. She invites him back, so he takes another flight over here to see her again. A few days later she blows up my phone.

"am i really never going to hear from you again... ?"

"sorry i wont contact you. i will respect your decision."

"i know that you hate me, and dont trust me for all the right reasons... but if you ever want to contact me again... im sorry for ****ing you up. i really am and our story... our relationship and love but please know under my stubborn mental illness is the girl you once loved."

Then she tried calling me twice, so I turned off my phone. Then I check my email.

"i wont write a novel in this, but it could be long, and i hope you read it even if you dont reply. i need treatment. im sorry for rejecting your help for me. i want to say ill move back home and things will be better but i cant. the landlord told me she hopes not to regret giving me the chance to live here. all ive done my life is let people down including myself. ive lived with no confidence my whole life to be a somebody. deep down i think my life is over and i will never speak to you again, but there is something deep inside crying out for help. ive relapsed back into my anorexia badly and you can start to see my bones. i spend my days wondering how ill cope or survive with such massive depression and griping lonelyness. i can tell you a million reasons why i dont want you to call my family and tell them this but i am risking this with the message. sometimes, or most of the times i cant live with the grief or guilt of the things ive done and the damage ive caused which is bringing damage to myself. i sit here crying knowing im not best for you and im pathetic and useless and youll acomplish your dreams and you will have the last laugh when im in some gutter and thinking 'i told her so'. whatever happens... im sorry im sorry im sorry but sorry isnt enough and it never will be."

Then I get ANOTHER email from her titled, "Things I never took the time to thank you for".

"- paying for my animal welfare program after hardly knowing me. - paying for anything i needed when i was broke. - continuing to love me despite my moods - seeing me after school and work - missing important classes for me during my pathetic depressions and anxietys - spending copious amount of time in my room on nice days with me cause of the reaaon above - coming back into my life and being forgiving, like you always were after i made you miserable - being ok with the fact i didnt really enjoy hockey that much - holding me when i cried about the horrible things i went through and promising to have a better life with you - signing a lease so i could live in a nicer house - being with me to trips to see my mother - thinking the world of me despite my problems - the nice days at the mall and bubble teas - the aquarium - dinner at your grandparents - dinner at your parents - your parents kindness - ice skating with me even though i really cant - cleaning my house - thinking i was beautiful without makeup - the endless cost of gas you spent on driving - not judging me for my horrendus job - never abusing me - never controlling me - and most of all taking the time to know me and love me"

I turn my phone back on and see that she tried to call me two more times, plus these texts.

"i sent you some emails. i know you dont want to speak to me but i needed to write."

"i was terrified you really blocked me so thats why i called. im sorry you had to turn off your phone."

"if youre wanting to help me think about it and reply k"

"youre never going to talk to me... .  "

Well... .I caved in. AGAIN. Agreeing to help her get help. My replacement flies home again after a week. She finally realized he wasn't going to be able to save/help/fix her.


6. The last break up. Happens like a month after my replacement flew home again. She finds a new replacement online who also lived very far away. I asked her, "What about getting help? The therapy? You asked for my help." And she said, "I don't need help. I don't need therapy or medication. Those things aren't going to give me a real family or a loving, caring boyfriend."

The next day I text her to tell her I'm changing my phone number and e-mail. She says, "Just pretend I was dead. Like a ghost in this world who doesn't exist."


The End


AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I PUT UP WITH ALL THAT! I had to get therapy myself afterwards for PTSD while she went off idealizing somebody new.
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« Reply #40 on: January 21, 2015, 02:34:18 AM »

I am pretty new to the forum and have got a lot of encouragement and information in a very short time.

One thing that keeps repeating itself in most everyone's story is the lack of empathy at break-up.  The quick replacement and the lack of any sort of substantial apology.

When my wife left there was nothing every said like:

"I am sorry I was unfaithful"

I am sorry I starved you of any love or affection"

"I am sorry I treated you so horribly"

What was said was:

"Sorry this didn't work"

"I can't show you love that you need and you deserve to be with someone who can"

An empty apology and a cop out.

Funny thing is every time she left and I moved on... .the moment I started a new relationship and she heard about it she would be at my door having zero problem showing love when their was another woman in my life.   When I am ready to start dating again... .I will keep it very quiet!

It is very hard, the lack of closure at the end of one of these relationships.

A person has to dig deep to forgive someone who cannot even apologize nor thinks they did a single thing wrong.

What did your ex BPD say to you?

Thanks wavelife. (I am old surfer and live at the beach... like your name)

Thanks for posting. I was not married... .but I lived with my ex for 5yrs. And my experience was exactly like yours. Mine was cheating on me when she left, though and was telling lie after lie.

There was never ( even years later) any admission of truth.

There was never any apology (in her world she did nothing wrong).

"I love you, but I am not in love with you" (oh... I suddenly realized she was still in the 7th grade)

She expects to talk with me as if none of that ever happened. I can't.

I have no contact ... .forever as far as I am concerned.

She still tries to walk up to me in public places?  I walk away. I never allow her near me. To my own self be true. I cannot love myself and ignore the lie. I gave my heart to this woman and she lied to me, betrayed me and our relationship and abandoned me and our home. She says it's never happened. She (and him) have been very cruel, even though I have no contact and go out of my way to mind my own business.

This has been the most perplexing and painful experience I have been through in my life.

There is no understanding it.

All I can do is stay away from it and take care of me.

Sounds like you have had it the same way?

There just is no understanding it. None.
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« Reply #41 on: January 21, 2015, 02:45:44 AM »

I read something a while back and had to go find it again. To expand upon, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".



“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'”

Spot on.

Oh... you forgot to mention the next person will be told that once they are being cheated on.

These people are soo self-centered that it's sickening!     
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« Reply #42 on: January 21, 2015, 02:48:05 AM »

after two years... .via text... .out of nowhere... .not preceded by a fight or disagreement... .3 weeks after she moved and and were planning our wedding:

Our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do NOT try to contact me

4 months later and I have still not spoken with her as she blocked me everywhere... .

I feel go Ya buddy. Damn... .that is just brutal!
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« Reply #43 on: January 21, 2015, 02:54:25 AM »

Not much. We had a big argument over nothing the night before, and I went to sleep without talking it out.

The next day, through text, she let me know that she would be out of the house in a few weeks. I told her that I'd rather have her out of the house now if she's going to leave anyway. That night when I got home she was gone.

She now blames me for breaking up, while I just said that if she's planning to go anyway and is just waiting for her new appartment to become available, I'd rather have her out of my hair immediately.
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« Reply #44 on: January 21, 2015, 03:01:11 AM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

I disagree... .mine abruptly left and made vague statements... they were all lies. There was no closure.  I have been in relationships that didn't work out and we talked like adults, were respectful. We were not cheating and were BOTH upset that it did not work out... .and can be friendly or have friendship.  

Telling a bunch of lies (after living with me for five years) and running out the door with a ten alarm fire in your pants for the new supply and telling the person you are in a committed relationship with abruptly "I love you, but I am not in love with you"... .doesn't exactly give any closure to the person who is left. It's twisted, painful, dishonest and selfish beyond all measure... .but that's life, I guess.
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« Reply #45 on: January 21, 2015, 03:03:27 AM »

Not much. We had a big argument over nothing the night before, and I went to sleep without talking it out.

The next day, through text, she let me know that she would be out of the house in a few weeks. I told her that I'd rather have her out of the house now if she's going to leave anyway. That night when I got home she was gone.

She now blames me for breaking up, while I just said that if she's planning to go anyway and is just waiting for her new appartment to become available, I'd rather have her out of my hair immediately.

They take no responsibility. You are to blame for everything. Don't you know that they are perfect and do NOTHING a wrong? What's wrong with you?
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« Reply #46 on: January 21, 2015, 03:08:23 AM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

The drive-byes were my favorite... .especially when she tried to stop in!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Nuttier than a fruitcake factory.
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« Reply #47 on: January 21, 2015, 03:11:46 AM »

Mine didn't say anything. Most of what I see here is "closure"... if your dating someone and they clearly tell you it's not working out its over with us, that's closure. Coming home from work and finding them gone without a word is not closure. Be happy they at least told you. Had my ex told me anything I wouldn't be here.

Same thing happened ot me... .don't even know where she lives... .she blocked contact by every means... .I hear ya brother.

what's bad is she stalked me after the fact. But nothing was ever said. Weird beyond belief.

Mine is stalking me on FB right now... .although she blocked me and created a new account to do so. What does it mean?

It means that she is totally whacked and that you should do anything in you power to avoid her and protect yourself from her lunacy.  I mean that in the nicest way possible! 
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« Reply #48 on: January 21, 2015, 03:12:03 AM »

Not much. We had a big argument over nothing the night before, and I went to sleep without talking it out.

The next day, through text, she let me know that she would be out of the house in a few weeks. I told her that I'd rather have her out of the house now if she's going to leave anyway. That night when I got home she was gone.

She now blames me for breaking up, while I just said that if she's planning to go anyway and is just waiting for her new appartment to become available, I'd rather have her out of my hair immediately.

They take no responsibility. You are to blame for everything. Don't you know that they are perfect and do NOTHING a wrong? What's wrong with you?

When I tried to reason with her in an email exchange after the break up, telling her that we both did things wrong, I only got a condescending and sarcastic: 'Yes, two people are to blame, very smart of you.' That's the closest she's been in admitting mistakes.
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« Reply #49 on: January 21, 2015, 03:14:04 AM »

Sorry I posted so much guys... .but I just Identify so much with everyone in this thread!

THANKS.

Let's me know that I am not alone in my bewilderment.

Like Fred says... .the person that I knew and loved was replaced by a psychotic!

It's not easy to EVER get used to that... .and truth be told... .moving forward... .anyone you pick is capable of it! Great to know in your heart. Isn't it! There are no guarantees.

I have chosen to just be alone... .I could never go through something like that again.
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« Reply #50 on: January 21, 2015, 05:27:45 AM »

First day

My feelings have changed I need to go and think

Day seven after wrecking my bday and me calling it quits on day 5 via email


I love you but I'm not in love with you

You deserve to have a sex life

I can't see you because I know I'll be back for 1-2 years  apparently I am some svengali type who can manipulate her mind and feelings if seen Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I need to find myself

I don't know who I am (blamed me for this)

Day 14

I've not been in love with you for years

I should have left you years ago

I've outgrown you (laughable)

We have nothing in common (laughable)

I don't respect you

And various resentment based attacks

I feel in my gut we are not right for each other (weeks before was saying the opposite)

I feel like I have to carry you (projection)

We have become friends I have friends now so don't need you as a friend

Once again the selfishness and total lack of empathy present in force after the first week

Real reason I am an unhappy distrustful person now everything in my life is how i want it you must be the problem im still sad and I want to date other guys because I am too emotionally immature to work through problems or admit any of it could be my fault ... . And I confuse excitement and idealisation for love .

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« Reply #51 on: January 21, 2015, 06:18:09 AM »

First day

My feelings have changed I need to go and think

Day seven after wrecking my bday and me calling it quits on day 5 via email


I love you but I'm not in love with you

You deserve to have a sex life

I can't see you because I know I'll be back for 1-2 years  apparently I am some svengali type who can manipulate her mind and feelings if seen Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I need to find myself

I don't know who I am (blamed me for this)

Day 14

I've not been in love with you for years

I should have left you years ago

I've outgrown you (laughable)

We have nothing in common (laughable)

I don't respect you

And various resentment based attacks

I feel in my gut we are not right for each other (weeks before was saying the opposite)

I feel like I have to carry you (projection)

We have become friends I have friends now so don't need you as a friend

Once again the selfishness and total lack of empathy present in force after the first week

Real reason I am an unhappy distrustful person now everything in my life is how i want it you must be the problem im still sad and I want to date other guys because I am too emotionally immature to work through problems or admit any of it could be my fault ... . And I confuse excitement and idealisation for love .

There is/was someone else.
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« Reply #52 on: January 21, 2015, 09:10:51 AM »

Wow,

Thank you for all the replies.

Man, it breaks my heart to read about everyone's experience.  There are a lot of people here who have been hurt badly and all in different stages of detachment and healing.

Reoccurring theme of giving our hearts fully to someone incapable of doing the same.  People being discarded like they meant nothing, no apologies or maybe a very weak empty and vague attempt at I am sorry.  A sudden drop of a guillotine[/quote]
This has been the most perplexing and painful experience I have been through in my life.[/quote]
Absolutely Infared... .I couldn't agree more.  And yes I am in the same boat.  Complete NC although she attempts the maiden in distress crap.  Her new supply can save her.  I am out.

I can relate and sympathize with everyone's pain.  Hearing other peoples experience helps process some of this for some reason.  Glad I found this forum and it helps.

Hang in there everyone... .we will ALL make it through to a better life without them.

Everyone is in my prayers

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« Reply #53 on: January 21, 2015, 09:13:02 AM »

First day

My feelings have changed I need to go and think

Day seven after wrecking my bday and me calling it quits on day 5 via email


I love you but I'm not in love with you

You deserve to have a sex life

I can't see you because I know I'll be back for 1-2 years  apparently I am some svengali type who can manipulate her mind and feelings if seen Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I need to find myself

I don't know who I am (blamed me for this)

Day 14

I've not been in love with you for years

I should have left you years ago

I've outgrown you (laughable)

We have nothing in common (laughable)

I don't respect you

And various resentment based attacks

I feel in my gut we are not right for each other (weeks before was saying the opposite)

I feel like I have to carry you (projection)

We have become friends I have friends now so don't need you as a friend

Once again the selfishness and total lack of empathy present in force after the first week

Real reason I am an unhappy distrustful person now everything in my life is how i want it you must be the problem im still sad and I want to date other guys because I am too emotionally immature to work through problems or admit any of it could be my fault ... . And I confuse excitement and idealisation for love .

There is/was someone else.

Perhaps but unlikely I found her on dating sites 10 weeks after b/u I think she cheated on me I.e kissing guys etc she got a new single gf I think she just wanted the "fun" of a single life . she broke up with me two weeks after they got back from a weekend in Spain . I suspect she was kissing guys etc
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« Reply #54 on: January 21, 2015, 09:22:25 AM »

Paperlung, WOW. what a story. Too bad it is all true. What she put you through and how strong you are... These ex's have no idea the strength it takes to shove our pain aside, go N/C, deal with the aftermath and try and move on.

Dobie, hep, mine said a lot of the same. I would say cheater. Mine was. Asked me to kiss him on the check not lips, refused to have sex, filled with anxiety and projected it on me. He had someone else and needed to get to her fast! So pathetic, he could be so two faced. Says I love you to me plus I am his fiancé yet can't get out the door fast enough to screw around on me.

Infared, I too wonder if I will ever be with someone again. Alone seems the best for me right now. The thought of being so vulnerable again and opening up my heart seems too difficult a task.
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« Reply #55 on: January 21, 2015, 09:29:01 AM »

I don't want to think it was cheating I'm hoping she was telling the truth we were together pretty much all the time , but who knows ... .when I defriended her on FB in the first week she accused me of adding girls

She told me she wanted to be single for a year 10 weeks later I find her on dating sites


The resentment and lack of trust had been building for years she was just waiting for an out her new social circle provided it .

Like I said I think she was probably attracted to other guys , kissing them when out in Spain .

But I don't think there was a specific new supply and I don't want to this is painful enough without adding that level of deciet and betrayal in .


She is such a selfish spoilt resentful angry child I can't even ask her to sit down after 6.5 years for my sake and just tell me the truth .

Pretty much only time in 14 weeks I have heard from her is when she wants something ... .


1 I miss you msg two weeks into b/u

1 xmass text

That's it
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« Reply #56 on: January 21, 2015, 09:46:02 AM »

First day

My feelings have changed I need to go and think

Day seven after wrecking my bday and me calling it quits on day 5 via email


I love you but I'm not in love with you

You deserve to have a sex life

I can't see you because I know I'll be back for 1-2 years  apparently I am some svengali type who can manipulate her mind and feelings if seen Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I need to find myself

I don't know who I am (blamed me for this)

Day 14

I've not been in love with you for years

I should have left you years ago

I've outgrown you (laughable)

We have nothing in common (laughable)

I don't respect you

And various resentment based attacks

I feel in my gut we are not right for each other (weeks before was saying the opposite)

I feel like I have to carry you (projection)

We have become friends I have friends now so don't need you as a friend

Once again the selfishness and total lack of empathy present in force after the first week

Real reason I am an unhappy distrustful person now everything in my life is how i want it you must be the problem im still sad and I want to date other guys because I am too emotionally immature to work through problems or admit any of it could be my fault ... . And I confuse excitement and idealisation for love .

There is/was someone else.

Perhaps but unlikely I found her on dating sites 10 weeks after b/u I think she cheated on me I.e kissing guys etc she got a new single gf I think she just wanted the "fun" of a single life . she broke up with me two weeks after they got back from a weekend in Spain . I suspect she was kissing guys etc

Donnie... .the reason I said that is that mine did not have any power to be demonstrative toward me until she was in a relationship with my replacement. He provided the strength for this new personality from her that I never met. To me it seemed that she turned on a dime and became abusive... .but in reality I think that she was developing that relationship behind my back and once she was sure that the hook was set and she was secure in her new supply she became abusive toward me. It was bewildering. ... .but I see now that "cut and run" is her normal pattern. I was immediately all bad. He was all good. Painful stuff.
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« Reply #57 on: January 21, 2015, 09:59:30 AM »

Dobie,

Sorry, did not want to inflict more pain. Just telling my story. He was faithful for 8 years and I believe that to be the case. He never cheated but then once engaged he started to act differently, constant irritation, no affection, then b/u and call from woman stating she is my twin and hung up. He had mentioned he wanted to date... .crazy since he also asked me to marry him and I had his engagement ring on while he is saying this. So humiliating, confusing and unreal.
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« Reply #58 on: January 21, 2015, 10:00:01 AM »

Hi infrared


I'd met this side of her before esp last few years but I buried my head in sand till it reared up on steroids when it was done with me .

14 weeks in and I still can't believe how she went out ... .

So frustrating .


Downwim,

So sorry for your pain I was engaged as well 2015 was supposed to be our year getting married buying a house .

I think she had been getting a roving eye for months before .

Regardless the way she went out was bad enough just want to heal and have a much better life without her ...

I keep hoping she will reach out and show some compassion or even say sorry but I have more chance of winning the lotto


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« Reply #59 on: January 21, 2015, 11:21:23 AM »

Hi infrared


I'd met this side of her before esp last few years but I buried my head in sand till it reared up on steroids when it was done with me .

14 weeks in and I still can't believe how she went out ... .

So frustrating .


Downwim,

So sorry for your pain I was engaged as well 2015 was supposed to be our year getting married buying a house .

I think she had been getting a roving eye for months before .

Regardless the way she went out was bad enough just want to heal and have a much better life without her ...

I keep hoping she will reach out and show some compassion or even say sorry but I have more chance of winning the lotto

Cool you got my response... .my spell check apparently changed dobie to Donnie?

Yes... .the abrupt changes and the lies and the dichotomy ... .it's so unsettling when this person was not the person that I lived with for 5 years.  Me personally... .I just can't get over it. It traumatized me in a way that has just damaged my inner soul. I just seek out other things in life now. I would not go anywhere near a relationship. I feel like it is out of my hands.

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« Reply #60 on: January 21, 2015, 12:48:07 PM »

Hi infrared


I'd met this side of her before esp last few years but I buried my head in sand till it reared up on steroids when it was done with me .

14 weeks in and I still can't believe how she went out ... .

So frustrating .


Downwim,

So sorry for your pain I was engaged as well 2015 was supposed to be our year getting married buying a house .

I think she had been getting a roving eye for months before .

Regardless the way she went out was bad enough just want to heal and have a much better life without her ...

I keep hoping she will reach out and show some compassion or even say sorry but I have more chance of winning the lotto

Cool you got my response... .my spell check apparently changed dobie to Donnie?

Yes... .the abrupt changes and the lies and the dichotomy ... .it's so unsettling when this person was not the person that I lived with for 5 years.  Me personally... .I just can't get over it. It traumatized me in a way that has just damaged my inner soul. I just seek out other things in life now. I would not go anywhere near a relationship. I feel like it is out of my hands.

I hear you bro, I was expecting a great bday instead I got dumped I was excepting to get married and buy a house instead i got cast off like an old toy .

I never thought or saw this coming tbh the selfishness and the resentment etc yes but I always thought I could do more, love more, fix more etc

My xBPDfiance even said a week or so before the BU "I would kill myself if you died"

I thought she loved me I thought she was my bf

Boy was I wrong .
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« Reply #61 on: January 21, 2015, 01:24:53 PM »

Hi infrared


I'd met this side of her before esp last few years but I buried my head in sand till it reared up on steroids when it was done with me .

14 weeks in and I still can't believe how she went out ... .

So frustrating .


Downwim,

So sorry for your pain I was engaged as well 2015 was supposed to be our year getting married buying a house .

I think she had been getting a roving eye for months before .

Regardless the way she went out was bad enough just want to heal and have a much better life without her ...

I keep hoping she will reach out and show some compassion or even say sorry but I have more chance of winning the lotto

Cool you got my response... .my spell check apparently changed dobie to Donnie?

Yes... .the abrupt changes and the lies and the dichotomy ... .it's so unsettling when this person was not the person that I lived with for 5 years.  Me personally... .I just can't get over it. It traumatized me in a way that has just damaged my inner soul. I just seek out other things in life now. I would not go anywhere near a relationship. I feel like it is out of my hands.

I hear you bro, I was expecting a great bday instead I got dumped I was excepting to get married and buy a house instead i got cast off like an old toy .

I never thought or saw this coming tbh the selfishness and the resentment etc yes but I always thought I could do more, love more, fix more etc

My xBPDfiance even said a week or so before the BU "I would kill myself if you died"

I thought she loved me I thought she was my bf

Boy was I wrong .

I guess what was so disturbing was this abrupt immediate change in the person. Denying common known facts between the two of us. Telling outright lies to me repeatedly, to her Mother, her Father, her Step Mother, her Step Father, best friend, and her therapist. I will never know what was said about me to her family (who I loved and got along with). I am sure thart I was painted blacker than black to justify her new immediate relationship with my replacement.  She invited me to a therapy session with a therapist (I had begged her to talk to someone... .but I did not refer this less than professional person)... .I went to what was supposed to be the 1st of 6 sessions and 10min into the session... .I realize that she has told the therapist that she never cheated on me... and that she had told the therapist a lot of lies about me... .I was so confused and upset... .I was not sure what was going on... .I mean... hell ... .I walked in there vulnerable and in pain... .and the next thing I know... .she is hanging her head down in shame (knowing she is lying to me)... and and the therapist is saying things to her (like I am not in the room) such as "well... he isn't exactly marriage material".  Mind you ... the therapist just met me 10 minutes prior. I was decently dress, I am college educated and presentable... .(I run my own business, now).  I was totally dumbfounded... .I left there in a bundle of pain... .I also calmly told her that I would not be coming back for more lies and abuse.

It was kind of like my ex set the whole thing up and knew that she was walking me into this ambush... and somehow... if everyone believed all of her lies... she got the new supply, discarded me ... .kept everything cool with her family and went on with her new life... .  I was just ejected and exploded as I was an obstacle to be rid of... .The thing I could not believe is how the "Therapist" treated me.  I was dumbfounded.  I had no prior warning to this behavior during the five years of our relationship.

That all being said... .that was a long time ago... .but my ex will try to walk up to me and talk to me in public places... and I just can't. If I see her I walk away as fast as I can. 

What would you do?  If I see her coming toward me... I imaging a terrorist in a suicide vest. My reaction is to get away from this person that caused me so much pain. She married new supply... .(I am pretty sure... I never check on her or have ANY contact of any kind)  I think... from the look on her face... .that she thinks I should just hang out with her and talk about the weather.  I just can't do it. I can't be that phony to myself.  She admitted to nothing, apologized for nothing and from what I can see... .she thinks I should have not the slightest issue for what went down.

The whole experience is just soo disconcerting to my sanity.  I do not think I will ever get over it.
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« Reply #62 on: January 21, 2015, 02:21:15 PM »



Hi Infared,

I feel for you and relate 100%  I can not imagine even seeing her and we live in a small town where I tend to stick close to home or I travel a lot to get away.  I have seen her car or I mean my car that she now has from a distance and I avoid driving by.  My heart pounds and I am filled with nausea.  My wife did the same, no apology nothing substantial.  A plastic emotionless face like porcelain.  Although she can not look me in the eye so I know there is a little shame there.  She has even gone so far as to say she can justify everything she has done.  Hahahaha the lady who proclaims to be a God fearing Christian sleeping with some guy while still married.  I told her to take her justification to God.

Oh I am starting to rant... .too much emotion.  I know I will eventually be whole again and I know you will be to... .one day we will get there man.  I lean on the Big Man a lot through this and I feel stronger every day.
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« Reply #63 on: January 21, 2015, 02:37:34 PM »

Hi Infared,

I feel for you and relate 100%  I can not imagine even seeing her and we live in a small town where I tend to stick close to home or I travel a lot to get away.  I have seen her car or I mean my car that she now has from a distance and I avoid driving by.  My heart pounds and I am filled with nausea.  My wife did the same, no apology nothing substantial.  A plastic emotionless face like porcelain.  Although she can not look me in the eye so I know there is a little shame there.  She has even gone so far as to say she can justify everything she has done.  Hahahaha the lady who proclaims to be a God fearing Christian sleeping with some guy while still married.  I told her to take her justification to God.

Oh I am starting to rant... .too much emotion.  I know I will eventually be whole again and I know you will be to... .one day we will get there man.  I lean on the Big Man a lot through this and I feel stronger every day.

OH... I know exactly how you feel... .I used to feel that way... .I live in a small town, too... . She has tried to ambush me in the supermarket parking lot (me oblivious as check out ... .she is probably always looking for me... .sees me... .runs outside with a cart of groceries, knows where my car is, runs past it and lays in wait... .and then tries to do the "accidental run-in)... .I just put my head down in disgust, speed up and arc around her.  I used to get extreme anxiety and sick to my stomach... and sometimes panic attacks (did not know what they were at first... thought I was having a heart attack!)... .but now... .its just like 'HOW DARE YOU!' or "hey... can I send a video of this to your clueless husband?"  Not that I talk to her... .but its sick stuff. ... .I don't think she has any awareness of the extreme amount of emotional pain that she has caused me... .it is just like a self-centered jr. high school game or something to her... (mind you... she is well into her 40's!)... .She also, obviously has no awareness or respect as to how disrespectful that behavior is to her partner.

I still get upset... .but it is nothing like it used to be... so it does get better... .I have more stamina now... .but I still just feel like I lost me back there. I just do not look at women anymore the way I used to.  She shattered that ... .and the pieces will just not fit back together.
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dobie
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« Reply #64 on: January 21, 2015, 02:40:53 PM »

Infared thats really harsh I feel for you man ... .These people are incapable of remorse or real depth of normal human empathy because  they have the emotional depth and ego of a 5 year old

Its all me me me and anything that justifies what they want! no wonder NPD is heavily comorbid with BPD .

I try and remember how childish she was and then think do I a man really need a child's appologie or validation .


She is beneath you don't forget that .


I'm not ready to date properly yet but I'll be dammed if my xBPDfaince is going to ruin my chance to meet someone normal loving and kind .

Your more aware now than you were so chances are u will spot the red flags you missed with her


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« Reply #65 on: January 21, 2015, 02:49:28 PM »

That's some classic behavior of this PD people. Same thing happen to me when it came to therapy. We were seeing her therapist that she trusted of course I thought this might help and not even 10 minutes into the therapy session after the therapist asked what we wanted to talk about ... .I said intimacy. She then preceded to tell us we are toxic for each other and it would be best to have us meet new potential mates. I spoke very little that hour and I couldn't believe a T could say something like that while you are trying to work on r/s. when we left I said I will never go back . And I didn't. But a year later my ex wanted to see her again . I said no way. That spurred fighting because I was controlling she said . I talked w some people I trusted they agreed w me. But my ex seem to like conflict situations not resolve or healing just constant conflict . It makes me wonder why you felt like seeing her is like seeing a terrorist in a loaded vest . Because they don't just fight alone they get others to hurt and play along w thier dramas to hurt you. I feel anxiety when I go out. I don't like talking to many.  My circle is small . I don't feel safe. It's gonna take time  
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« Reply #66 on: January 21, 2015, 02:57:55 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.
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« Reply #67 on: January 21, 2015, 03:01:00 PM »

That's some classic behavior of this PD people. Same thing happen to me when it came to therapy. We were seeing her therapist that she trusted of course I thought this might help and not even 10 minutes into the therapy session after the therapist asked what we wanted to talk about ... .I said intimacy. She then preceded to tell us we are toxic for each other and it would be best to have us meet new potential mates. I spoke very little that hour and I couldn't believe a T could say something like that while you are trying to work on r/s. when we left I said I will never go back . And I didn't. But a year later my ex wanted to see her again . I said no way. That spurred fighting because I was controlling she said . I talked w some people I trusted they agreed w me. But my ex seem to like conflict situations not resolve or healing just constant conflict . It makes me wonder why you felt like seeing her is like seeing a terrorist in a loaded vest . Because they don't just fight alone they get others to hurt and play along w thier dramas to hurt you. I feel anxiety when I go out. I don't like talking to many.  My circle is small . I don't feel safe. It's gonna take time  

Yeah... at one point... .the therapist ask her a question and she lied... .this stuff hurt so i got tears in my eyes... .but was fighting to keep it together... .and the therapist coldly states "We didn't come here to get upset"... .Like I am an f'ing 5-year-old.  I mean I have had a lot of therapy with someone qualified... .THE safest place to feel your feelings should be in a therapist's office.  I was just dumbfounded by how unprofessional this woman was... .and it was like ... .I walked in there and the plan was to gang up on me and set me straight.  I can't believe that the therapist believed all the God-knows-what my ex said about me... .instead of meeting me and getting to know me... . It was extremely abusive in my book.  I was in rough shape emotionally and this woman was just bashing me and treating me disrespectfully.  The funny thing is ... .I begged my ex to talk to someone... .so in a twisted way... .I brought more sickness upon myself! I can laugh about it sometimes now.  Sick stuff.
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« Reply #68 on: January 21, 2015, 03:03:52 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

WOW?  ... .how could someone listen to her and make all these assumptions?  HUH?

at least in my case this was "HER" therapist, acquired at my behest as the relationship was blowing up and she was talking suicide.  I even called her step Mom and asked her to help her find someone... .I cared about her and knew in spite of everything that she could use some counseling.  I didn't know that she would form the Axis of Evil with her!

... .boy ... did that boomerang on me! LOL!
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« Reply #69 on: January 21, 2015, 03:09:22 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T. 
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« Reply #70 on: January 21, 2015, 03:25:39 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

Lots of folks with personality disorders choose the "helping" fields; pretty handy really, project all you crap on someone else and then fix them.  So just to judge someone I've never met, you might have walked into a borderline party, no wonder it sucked.

Excerpt
This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T.



Yes but isn't it cool when we learn?  The more we learn about the disorder the more transparent the borderlines in our lives become; mine seemed laughably ridiculous in the end, which was a welcome change.
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« Reply #71 on: January 21, 2015, 03:35:44 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T. 

I wish I could have made it to a T with her. When she dropped the hammer on me I told her that we should at least go talk to someone before just ending the R/S. She said, "Fine, my weekly appointment with my church councilor is next Monday at 11 if you want to go". The Sunday before, she canceled and said that, "It won't do any good". She never planned on going in the first place. She never wanted to try and resolve whatever issues were present in the relationship. I guess she just wanted to get mounted by the new guy and have a new honeymoon phase.

Anyhow, good riddance.
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« Reply #72 on: January 21, 2015, 03:42:38 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T. 

I wish I could have made it to a T with her. When she dropped the hammer on me I told her that we should at least go talk to someone before just ending the R/S. She said, "Fine, my weekly appointment with my church councilor is next Monday at 11 if you want to go". The Sunday before, she canceled and said that, "It won't do any good". She never planned on going in the first place. She never wanted to try and resolve whatever issues were present in the relationship. I guess she just wanted to get mounted by the new guy and have a new honeymoon phase.

Anyhow, good riddance.

Same here... .I was dumbfounded with the abrupt "I am leaving you" ... .a week before Christmas.  I was just a mess ... .totally blinded-sided... .I suggested going to counseling (not knowing she was already in a new relationship) and she said "No, that is what married people do"... .in an extremely cold ... .zombie-like voice... .  it was like whosh ... .the warm person I had known for 5 years just vanished... .left the room... .gone. 

I didn't know it was like you said: "I guess she just wanted to get mounted by the new guy and have a new honeymoon phase. "

Right on the money.  Ice b___.  Very troubling to me.
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« Reply #73 on: January 21, 2015, 05:01:58 PM »

"We're not compatible."

I finally agreed with her and walked out. She tried to backtrack and said that she was just talking out loud and didn't mean it. Upon further analysis, what she really meant is she was THINKING we aren't compatible, but wasn't supposed to say it. It still means the same thing.

And she was right. We aren't compatible. The only time she'll ever be compatible with anyone is in the first three months of their relationship.
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« Reply #74 on: January 21, 2015, 05:24:11 PM »

Staff only

The topic of discussion has reached it's post limit. It's a worthwhile topic and you're welcome with starting a new topic of discussion.
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