Why do they break up via text or email?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I suspect that I know the answer to this one but would like to hear some opinions on this... .

[JRT]

I suspect that I know the answer to this one but would like to hear some opinions on this... .

[HappyNihilist]

My guess would be one or any combination of the following:

-the distance and detachment makes it easier to do something they know will hurt their partner

-they have a sense of control over the interaction, and can "disappear" right after

-it alleviates some of the feelings of guilt

-it's more hurtful to their partner (sometimes, yes, they do want to hurt us)

-it's generally easier to write things than try to say them

-it relieves a lot of responsibility and burden from them - it's the "easy way out"

-it just makes sense, given the nature of their disorder and the way they interact with and see people

My exBPDbf talked about how much it "killed him" to see hurt in my eyes, especially when he'd caused it. He actually said a couple of times during the relationship that, if he were ever to break up with me, he wouldn't be able to do it in person, because he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he saw how much he hurt me.

Of course, it would have hurt less if he'd been upfront with me... .but at the end of the day, it was never my feelings that mattered in the relationship. And that, perhaps, is the ultimate reason why... .for so much.

[SlyQQ]

once they have been abandoned / reverse abandondoned ( they leave you ) they kick into to isolation and denial mode regarding the offending party isolate you so they can convince themselves ( denial ) that they ever/or have loved you for a long time ( their defenition of it i.e. needed you )

[ShadowIntheNight]

In the case of my ex, she was a cruel, heartless, gutless coward. My only hope is that when she thinks of me her stinging guilt and shame come flying in and overwhelm her and she remembers what a pig she is.

[going places]

It's easy. Plain and simple.

Call it lazy, call it easy, call it effortless.


Back in the "old days" a firm hand shake and eye contact showed respect.

Job applications were filled out on site, and interviews happened face to face.

Courtesy phone calls were made if you did not make the cut.

Important conversations and decision were ALWAYS made face to face.

Now?

If you get a phone CALL man o man you must be someone pretty special.

Texting should be for "will you get milk" or "did you make it to grandmas safely" or "I will be home in 30 min"

AND NOTHING MORE.

People who try to have 'relationships / relationship conversations" via text... .IMHO... .

Cowards, Lazy, Not invested in the relationship and never was, immature, childish.

I very well may spend the rest of my life alone, but I will NOT NOT NOT date - get involved with a man that his chosen form of communication is text or email.

Nope, no thanks.

[caughtnreleased]

Did you ever tell them it was cowardly?  Mine tried to tell me while he was refusing to meet with me to discuss our differences that he respected me.  I responded that respect was being honest with a person TO THEIR FACE.  His response? There was nothing wrong with having this type of conversation via text.  I obviously disagreed, and then told him he could get lost.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Did you ever tell them it was cowardly?  Mine tried to tell me while he was refusing to meet with me to discuss our differences that he respected me.  I responded that respect was being honest with a person TO THEIR FACE.  His response? There was nothing wrong with having this type of conversation via text.  I obviously disagreed, and then told him he could get lost.

When I received her typewritten breakup note in my birthday card, I called her and she let her phone go to voice mail. The first thing I told her was that she was a gutless coward. What I said after that is unprintable. So yes, I let her know she was a coward. I'm pretty sure she knows she is too.

[Jack2727]

Because they have devalued you and they have no use for you.

That's why my ex tried to do to me. I did get one last phone call from her. They are mentally screwed up.

I think the problem we all have is that we are trying to use our adjusted brains to try to understand how someone will an unadjusted brain thinks. These people don't think like us. They are broken.

[cosmonaut]

This is one of the crueler aspects of BPD, isn't it?  My ex also broke up by distance - by phone.  I suppose I should be thankful she at least had the decency to do that rather than text, but she categorically refused to see me in person because "it would make the heartbreak worse".  As usual, the heartbreak she means is for HER.  My heartbreak doesn't exist.

I think reasons are many and complex, but I think HappyNihilist hit on most of them.  My own thoughts are:

1)  Profound feelings of shame prevent pwBPD from accepting responsibility for the harm they have caused and the messes they have made.  To accept such responsibility would lead to crushing degrees of shame that they have no ability to manage or resolve, so it is simply swept away as fast as possible.

2)  pwBPD also have significantly impaired empathy.  Due to their underdeveloped emotional self, they are unable to really understand or empathize with other people's emotions.  To an overwhelming degree, the only emotions that exist are their own.

3) The ":)etached Protector" coping mechanism prevents pwBPD from feeling ANYTHING about the break up.  This is an even more extreme way of relieving themselves of the negative emotions they are feeling during the break up.   They are simply able to hermetically seal off their emotions and they enter a sort of robotic, blank state.

Ultimately, the above add up to that fact that they are doing it because it is what is emotionally easiest for THEM.

Edit:  I should also add the following, which I didn't really personally experience, but many others do.

4)  Splitting - you are a terrible, horrible, awful person and you deserve to be treated with such cruel and callous behavior.  Besides you are so awful you will probably hurt them anyway if they let you.  Best to just stay away.

5)  Projecting - everything is your fault anyway, so you don't deserve the dignity of a proper break up.  After all, you caused it.

[myself]

That's why it's called "being dropped".

There's little to nothing gentle or respectful about it.

The whole r/s is a catch and release process.

Catch meaning 'hook'. Release meaning 'abandon'.

Real intimacy attracts but also drives them away.

Gets too overwhelming and their switch flips to deep avoidance.

PwBPD usually don't face themselves/admit accountability. They run.

Project themselves on us/see themselves in us. Run!

Sometimes vanishing without even an email or a text.

[JRT]

3) The ":)etached Protector" coping mechanism prevents pwBPD from feeling ANYTHING about the break up.  This is an even more extreme way of relieving themselves of the negative emotions they are feeling during the break up.   They are simply able to hermetically seal off their emotions and they enter a sort of robotic, blank state.

I am completely inclined to believe all of this as relative to my exBPD fiance'. There is one confusing aspect to this for me: if she feels insulated from the 'crime' with not feelings or sense of culpability, one would naturally believe that they would find it easy to communicate with me. Yet, mine had erected highly significant barriers to even the most rudimentary contact having blocked me in every possible way. When I attempted to call her from a hotel that was not blocked, she called the cops. When I IM'd her brother in law, she threatened to to file a PPO against me and demanded that he unfriend me.

Clearly this is behavior of someone that feels highly threatened, I would guess physically if I didn't know any better - the reaction is quite extreme. I wonder if that is the case or if she is trying to prove something by doing this? Like she has 'outsmarted' me or some such thing.

[cosmonaut]

3) The ":)etached Protector" coping mechanism prevents pwBPD from feeling ANYTHING about the break up.  This is an even more extreme way of relieving themselves of the negative emotions they are feeling during the break up.   They are simply able to hermetically seal off their emotions and they enter a sort of robotic, blank state.

I am completely inclined to believe all of this as relative to my exBPD fiance'. There is one confusing aspect to this for me: if she feels insulated from the 'crime' with not feelings or sense of culpability, one would naturally believe that they would find it easy to communicate with me. Yet, mine had erected highly significant barriers to even the most rudimentary contact having blocked me in every possible way. When I attempted to call her from a hotel that was not blocked, she called the cops. When I IM'd her brother in law, she threatened to to file a PPO against me and demanded that he unfriend me.

Clearly this is behavior of someone that feels highly threatened, I would guess physically if I didn't know any better - the reaction is quite extreme. I wonder if that is the case or if she is trying to prove something by doing this? Like she has 'outsmarted' me or some such thing.

The Detached Protector is a coping mechanism used because rather than there being no emotions involved there are overwhelming emotions involved.  It is one of the most extreme coping mechanisms utilized - even more than splitting and projecting.  It is, in many way, the last stand against emotions they can't handle.  They simply stop having emotions.

I too am being blocked and ignored in every possible way.  If it is any consolation at all, the reason for this is likely because severing the bond with you is agonizing for her.  To such a degree that she can't allow herself to feel anything about you at all.   That may sound paradoxical, but BPD is inherently a contradiction: "I hate you, don't leave me".

[downwhim]

I had been to his house several times and asked him to please tell me what was wrong. I asked him via email if we could get together and talk. His response was "NO!" I got the arms folded silent treatment when I finally got to see him.

I guess he was mentally preparing for the email.

8 years and an engagement called off via email. And by the way I was told not to get personal on him. It was OVER and to MOVE ON. Just like that. I am suppose to pretend I wasn't wearing a ring and pretend I never dated him and pretend all is fine. It was so hard to keep my mouth shut and not go over there and scream at him.

Gutless, chickenshi###,cruel, abusive, demeaning, selfish, controlling, the list goes on and on.

That is why taking him off of my email account is good. No more cruel emails. I went immediately N/C. Difficult but necessary.

They are nut cases and handling a relationship in a mature, adult fashion is not their forte.

Now I am all worked up about this because it is so painful and leaves the non with questions and a loss of relationship so quickly.

[cosmonaut]

I had been to his house several times and asked him to please tell me what was wrong. I asked him via email if we could get together and talk. His response was "NO!" I got the arms folded silent treatment when I finally got to see him.

I guess he was mentally preparing for the email.

8 years and an engagement called off via email. And by the way I was told not to get personal on him. It was OVER and to MOVE ON. Just like that. I am suppose to pretend I wasn't wearing a ring and pretend I never dated him and pretend all is fine. It was so hard to keep my mouth shut and not go over there and scream at him.

Gutless, chickenshi###,cruel, abusive, demeaning, selfish, controlling, the list goes on and on.

That is why taking him off of my email account is good. No more cruel emails. I went immediately N/C. Difficult but necessary.

They are nut cases and handling a relationship in a mature, adult fashion is not their forte.

Now I am all worked up about this because it is so painful and leaves the non with questions and a loss of relationship so quickly.

It is exceedingly cruel to discard and abandon someone the way in which we were.  We can understand that they are very sick people, but it doesn't in any way change how devastating and traumatizing the experience is to us.   Keep remembering that this is NOT your fault.  This is happening because your ex is a very sick person with a profound mental illness.   Truly, there is nothing you did or didn't do to cause this.   It isn't your fault.

[downwhim]

Thanks, Cosmonaut,

I have a beautiful engagement ring. I mean stunning. It got locked up into a safety deposit box the day after the email. It will be there for one year before I decide what to do with it. One of the main reasons I did not meet with him and give it back is because of the way he ended the relationship. There was zero respect. I love my ring, in a year I will either wear it on my right hand, redesign it into something else BUT it is mine. After 8 years trying to figure him out, give him my love, put up with his ex wife and his kids... .I was a great girlfriend, not perfect but there for him. What a waste of my precious time... .years I cannot get back where I could have met someone worthy of my love and been in a partnership/marriage. Now, I just don't care. Dating is not fun for me. I just don't have the energy for it... .sorry, down today.

[JRT]

3) The ":)etached Protector" coping mechanism prevents pwBPD from feeling ANYTHING about the break up.  This is an even more extreme way of relieving themselves of the negative emotions they are feeling during the break up.   They are simply able to hermetically seal off their emotions and they enter a sort of robotic, blank state.

I am completely inclined to believe all of this as relative to my exBPD fiance'. There is one confusing aspect to this for me: if she feels insulated from the 'crime' with not feelings or sense of culpability, one would naturally believe that they would find it easy to communicate with me. Yet, mine had erected highly significant barriers to even the most rudimentary contact having blocked me in every possible way. When I attempted to call her from a hotel that was not blocked, she called the cops. When I IM'd her brother in law, she threatened to to file a PPO against me and demanded that he unfriend me.

Clearly this is behavior of someone that feels highly threatened, I would guess physically if I didn't know any better - the reaction is quite extreme. I wonder if that is the case or if she is trying to prove something by doing this? Like she has 'outsmarted' me or some such thing.

The Detached Protector is a coping mechanism used because rather than there being no emotions involved there are overwhelming emotions involved.  It is one of the most extreme coping mechanisms utilized - even more than splitting and projecting.  It is, in many way, the last stand against emotions they can't handle.  They simply stop having emotions.

I too am being blocked and ignored in every possible way.  If it is any consolation at all, the reason for this is likely because severing the bond with you is agonizing for her.  To such a degree that she can't allow herself to feel anything about you at all.   That may sound paradoxical, but BPD is inherently a contradiction: "I hate you, don't leave me".

Okay... .so let me see if I understand this properly: her relationship with me was not an ordinary 'get over it and move on' sort of affair; she became profoundly attached? To the extent that the text breakup and the cutting off contact was necessary to preserve the 'anti-emotive' catatony? That even a simple conversation or email might evoke the emotional response that her flight intuition wishes to avoid? Am I getting this?

So that begs the question: how does she handle it? Does her outward appearance to friends, family and colleagues appear that she is handling it well, all TOO well while inside she is a jumbled mess, crying herself to sleep every night (I don't recall mine ever crying in the 2 plus years that I had known her... .your robot term describes her well at times)?  

What about the couple of times that I did make contact (she hung up immediately and called the cops). Was that a, sort of, emotional sensory overload for her?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thanks, Cosmonaut,

I have a beautiful engagement ring. I mean stunning. It got locked up into a safety deposit box the day after the email. It will be there for one year before I decide what to do with it. One of the main reasons I did not meet with him and give it back is because of the way he ended the relationship. There was zero respect. I love my ring, in a year I will either wear it on my right hand, redesign it into something else BUT it is mine. After 8 years trying to figure him out, give him my love, put up with his ex wife and his kids... .I was a great girlfriend, not perfect but there for him. What a waste of my precious time... .years I cannot get back where I could have met someone worthy of my love and been in a partnership/marriage. Now, I just don't care. Dating is not fun for me. I just don't have the energy for it... .sorry, down today.

Right there with ya. "What a waste of my precious time... ." I'm afraid I'm getting bitter. I think what's the point of dating. She was wonderful and showed no signs of behaving this way until she did after 9.5 yrs. Who the heck am I gonna trust? In my mind what a person says will always just be words and nothing more.

[JRT]

I have the same fear... .

[cosmonaut]

Okay... .so let me see if I understand this properly: her relationship with me was not an ordinary 'get over it and move on' sort of affair; she became profoundly attached? To the extent that the text breakup and the cutting off contact was necessary to preserve the 'anti-emotive' catatony? That even a simple conversation or email might evoke the emotional response that her flight intuition wishes to avoid? Am I getting this?

So that begs the question: how does she handle it? Does her outward appearance to friends, family and colleagues appear that she is handling it well, all TOO well while inside she is a jumbled mess, crying herself to sleep every night (I don't recall mine ever crying in the 2 plus years that I had known her... .your robot term describes her well at times)? 

What about the couple of times that I did make contact (she hung up immediately and called the cops). Was that a, sort of, emotional sensory overload for her?

Yes, I think you understand well.  The coping mechanisms (splitting, projecting, dissociating, etc.) are all driven by the underlying emotions - emotions that our partners have no idea how to deal with in a healthy manner.  pwBPD are in many ways ruled by their emotions; their emotional state dictates everything else.  Unfortunately for us, the major trigger for pwBPD is emotional intimacy.  It's the actual bonding and closeness that they find produces these overwhelming emotions, and these emotions must be dealt with in the only ways they know how.  So, you did mean something to your ex.  Quite a great deal actually.  It was the unbearable fear of losing you coupled with her unhealthy fusing with your self (which triggers engulfment annihilation fears) that caused her to flee.  The emotion was just more than she could bear.  And it's because she loved you and felt incredibly close to you.  She wouldn't have been triggered otherwise.

So, now you are a trigger for her.  And I am a trigger for my ex.  And the very thought of us brings up these agonizing emotions of loss and abandonment and profound shame.  Things that they can't handle.  Consequently, we are ignored.  It's a very childish and unhealthy way to deal with life, but it is BPD.  It is a very serious mental illness.  And this pattern will continue on and on until the pwBPD realizes that they must change and become an autonomous self.

[icom]

What a waste of my precious time... .years I cannot get back where I could have met someone worthy of my love and been in a partnership/marriage. Now, I just don't care. Dating is not fun for me. I just don't have the energy for it... .sorry, down today.

A bit of a thread hijack, I know, but you are not alone on this one.

  Yes, the same applies in my world too: transiting from a pre BPD landscape pursuing an idealized end state,  to being forced to accommodate a grim and sterile certainty regarding the future.  This is the is the payoff for being a good and loyal person: the probability now holds that I will not find another person to share their life with me.

 I try to mitigate the emotional loss by distracting myself with intensive athletic pursuits.  However, when people congratulate me on the degree of my fitness, they are surprised to hear my answer: "I'd prefer to inhabit a landscape where such activities weren't even necessary."

 I'll go on massive runs to drive out the hideous emptiness that is life post BPD, and look upon the other trail users with considerable envy, as they aren't afflicted with this monstrous curse, and are perfectly content going for a casual stroll as I jet past them heaving for breath and awash in sweat.  

 

 

[JRT]

 [/quote]
  So, you did mean something to your ex.  Quite a great deal actually.  It was the unbearable fear of losing you coupled with her unhealthy fusing with your self (which triggers engulfment annihilation fears) that caused her to flee.  The emotion was just more than she could bear.  And it's because she loved you and felt incredibly close to you.  She wouldn't have been triggered otherwise.[/quote]
For the first time in the wake of this entire sordid mess, I wept when I read this... .mostly because I know it's true.

[downwhim]

JRT,

We are all weeping with you. We know that the depth of our love for them does not equate with the way we were treated. My ex said two days before his email b/u, I love you today and I loved you all of those 8 years. Those words just make me cry now.

How the hell can they love us and destroy us?###

We know it is the illness.

 

[Mike-X]

I suspect that I know the answer to this one but would like to hear some opinions on this... .

de-individuation, i suspect. and not having to see you in pain.

[JRT]

JRT,

We are all weeping with you. We know that the depth of our love for them does not equate with the way we were treated. My ex said two days before his email b/u, I love you today and I loved you all of those 8 years. Those words just make me cry now.

How the hell can they love us and destroy us?###

We know it is the illness.

 

Hugs