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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Was she cheating?  (Read 7517 times)
downnout98
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« on: February 09, 2015, 12:21:47 PM »

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2015, 12:34:30 PM »

Based on my experience I think you are right in assuming he was around for longer than she is willing to admit. .
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Matt8888

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« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2015, 01:00:13 PM »

As much as it hurts to say, it is highly likely she had this guy on the backburner for when she felt engulfed by you.  Most have many orbiters as backups.  Mine called guys she hadn't spoken to in 6 months right after she split.  They happily obliged as she is very beautiful.

The truth is, and you know it, is they can't be alone.  Period.

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raisins3142
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« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2015, 01:10:55 PM »

It's impossible to know.

As others state, most females with BPD have a lot of male "friends" and it would be interesting/horrible to know how many of those they've slept with, etc.

A lot of those guys are orbiters and someone with BPD would likely feel little guilt talking to them a few times a week to keep them on the hook (knowing the guy likes them and flirts with them), and not telling us about it at all.

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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2015, 01:26:20 PM »

Well... .

Yes, you are right. She has been a serial cheater most of her adult life and I knew this going in.

You already have your own answer.
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downnout98
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« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2015, 01:34:20 PM »

You are right. I shouldn't feel surprised. She cheated before but that was about two years ago. Since then, I could never let up on giving her attention, because I knew that the minute I did, she would get it from somewhere else. I always suspected that she was meeting and keeping guys in the background just in case. It's no wonder, she would always ask  "are you mine". At first I would say that I didn't belong to anyone, that I was not a possession. Then later I mistook it for helping her with her security. Ha, just goes to show you can never give enough into what seems like a bottomless pit.
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« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2015, 03:54:10 PM »

Sorry to say she probably had the replacement lined up. When she fed you that line that she couldn't stand the thought of you with another... .She was probably already cheating.

My exBPDgf I found out after six year was a cheater and a liar. Basically every thing she told me was a lie.
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icom
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« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2015, 04:01:51 PM »



This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2015, 04:13:29 PM »

Yes, charming, aren't they?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2015, 04:16:43 PM »

My ex used/s "semantics" about cheating. To her unless she has had sex with them she isn't cheating. In her mind, if she didn't have sex with them until she had broken up, then technically, she hadn't cheated. Never mind that she had been on dates with other men and women, had had intimate conversations with them, and lied to me about where she was and who she was with.

As my T pointed out to me last week, if she really does have BPD, and without a professional diagnosis it's mere conjecture, then she will not leave one relationship without having another one lined up.

Having experienced this, if you are here asking, there's a 97% chance that she did/is.
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« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2015, 04:21:16 PM »

My xBPDgf considered "faithful as long as there is no exchange of bodily fluids".

She kept several guys around in the background so that the moment we split, the moment she as a replacement. NO time to waste, I guess.
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icom
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« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2015, 04:52:22 PM »

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”
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Matt8888

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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2015, 05:07:53 PM »

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

My ex could have written that.  Her minions are here orbiters that I spoke of earlier.  She doesn't really respect any of them.  I told her when we split that I would never be one of here orbiters like all her other "friends". 

It's a know win situation.  You keep giving your love after they treat you like garbage they don't respect you.  You call them out on their crap and they can't handle the brutal truth about their true selves.

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fred6
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2015, 05:11:05 PM »

Yes, charming, aren't they?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Ha ha, yes they are. In a sick sort of way. Mine was cheating on me and I caught her. Actually, she didn't seem to think that she would get caught, but she was so nonchalant about it that she was assured to get caught at some point. She wasn't very bright in that regard.

She also got pregnant with her daughter from a married man back in 2008. She always insisted that "she never wanted him". Why on earth would a person ever repeatedly have sex and get pregnant with a married man if "she never wanted him"? I don't buy it for one minute. When she tried to get child support she needed a DNA test because she was screwing another dude while she was screwing the married guy. I'm glad my life isn't that messy!
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« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2015, 05:23:11 PM »

Serial cheaters don't typically change. And yes, a lot of times a pwBPD projects cheating behavior onto their partner. This can potentially indicate that something's going on.

It's not just the ladies, either. My exBPDbf also keeps a stable of sex minions. But these girls usually don't become girlfriends or wives (and exes don't become sex minions).

I know he was with his minions while we were together, but as for a replacement relationship? My guess is that didn't happen until very shortly before our breakup. pwBPD are reluctant to leave one attachment unless they're sure of another one.
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« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2015, 06:40:21 PM »

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

Great find

And this sounds in many ways typical. 
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downnout98
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« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2015, 10:12:11 PM »

Everyday it gets better and easier to stay away. I am moving past the hate her phase,  but I think knowing that she probably was cheating on me, helps me to validate the reasons for staying away. She sent me a text about how her new guy is upset because all she does is talk about me and the life we had. I don't really buy it, but ok. I. Guess for the past year, I really wanted to believe that she would be faithful. I stopped going with her to a local business group meeting because I felt that I needed to be able to trust her. I  wanted a normal relationship. I was wrong, that is where she met the guy.
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mks10

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« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2015, 12:29:56 AM »

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.
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« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2015, 02:49:52 AM »

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.

My ex used to always say, "once a cheater, always a cheater". My reply now to her is, "yes, you are". Cheating seems to be a common theme with these people. I know it doesn't help much, but take comfort in the fact that it has little to do with us and more to do with them Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2015, 03:07:26 AM »

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.

My ex used to always say, "once a cheater, always a cheater". My reply now to her is, "yes, you are". Cheating seems to be a common theme with these people. I know it doesn't help much, but take comfort in the fact that it has little to do with us and more to do with them Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yes!  Mine said "A zebra doesn't change its stripes!"  She was correct... .about her and her cheating. You are right... .it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with my honest, trusting, faithful heart. Nothing.   Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2015, 04:42:46 AM »

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Yup.

Right before we broke up she admitted that she realized she was keeping an ex-affair partner around as her "fall back" in case we broke up. Lovely.
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2015, 07:26:12 AM »

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD? Most google hits are pointing to AvPD forums. Although it's completely accurate, at the beginning of the relationship, my ex openly admitted that keeping "fall-backs" is her modus operandi.

I knew this and still thought it would be somehow different with me.
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2015, 07:56:18 AM »

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD? Most google hits are pointing to AvPD forums. Although it's completely accurate, at the beginning of the relationship, my ex openly admitted that keeping "fall-backs" is her modus operandi.

I knew this and still thought it would be somehow different with me.

Looking back, I though it was a sign of honesty, change, and a signal that I'm special to her. Why on earth would she tell me about previous infidelity and the use of "fall-backs"? 2010 has the answer:


Borderlines dont value privacy because they dont understand what it means. There's a reason you know about these other romances as the failure of them was useful to recruit you as "someone special." You were placed on the front burner while this other person was placed on the back and likely switched back and forth without your knowledge.

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.
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« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2015, 08:36:46 AM »

"I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy."

Giant    's!

They would read your diary, too and not think twice about it.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2015, 08:56:16 AM »

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD?

Yes, as fearful avoidance is the subset attachment style. 
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raisins3142
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« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2015, 12:01:19 PM »

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.

It is as if they are socially retarded or just don't care or entitled or something... .I don't know.

The first time my ex was over, I saw her randomly open a few drawers and peek inside.  These were not kitchen drawers that are usually considered less private but in my office and bedroom.  That was the type of thing my friends and I did as little kids when they'd ask "mind if I look around your room" and peer in a few drawers to see your stuff.  She did this right in front of me as if it were no big deal.

Once I was at work and as I was coming home I texted her.  She replied "I'm just busying cleaning up your office".  I said "please stop, you were never given permission to do that and that is disrespectful".  She replied "I only swept up and took out the garbage, I didn't go through your stuff, I'm not that stupid."  Well you can likely guess what happened, and this is almost comical.  She had organized everything and gone through all my stuff.  When I saw this I said "I thought you did not go through my things".  Her reply was "I found some empty packs of cigarettes in one of your drawers, so I had to go through all of them in order to finish taking out all the trash."

Mind you, we did not live together and had been going out less than 6 months and she had no permission to do something like this.  And my office is large with tons of drawers and other things she had to go through to try to find another empty pack of smokes.

It's like she was trying to make me angry.

I told my good friend about this and he asked "is this girl stupid?"

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« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2015, 04:31:36 PM »

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.

It is as if they are socially retarded or just don't care or entitled or something... .I don't know.

The first time my ex was over, I saw her randomly open a few drawers and peek inside.  These were not kitchen drawers that are usually considered less private but in my office and bedroom.  That was the type of thing my friends and I did as little kids when they'd ask "mind if I look around your room" and peer in a few drawers to see your stuff.  She did this right in front of me as if it were no big deal.

Once I was at work and as I was coming home I texted her.  She replied "I'm just busying cleaning up your office".  I said "please stop, you were never given permission to do that and that is disrespectful".  She replied "I only swept up and took out the garbage, I didn't go through your stuff, I'm not that stupid."  Well you can likely guess what happened, and this is almost comical.  She had organized everything and gone through all my stuff.  When I saw this I said "I thought you did not go through my things".  Her reply was "I found some empty packs of cigarettes in one of your drawers, so I had to go through all of them in order to finish taking out all the trash."

Mind you, we did not live together and had been going out less than 6 months and she had no permission to do something like this.  And my office is large with tons of drawers and other things she had to go through to try to find another empty pack of smokes.

It's like she was trying to make me angry.

I told my good friend about this and he asked "is this girl stupid?"

I have to tell this story here... .it's too good not to... .it involves Instant Karma!... .

So... once, after sex... .she was soo full of herself and arrogant (superior tone of voice she said "wasn't that the BEST sex you ever had?)... ick... .so... .I just could not stroke that ego and I said... ."well there was this GoGo girl, once... um".  Being cool (click to insert in post)  Now mind you I adored this woman, truly and was nothing but faithful to her and reinforced that always.

Fast forward 2months and I walk into my office one fray in my stocking feet and find her going thru my Rolodex (yes... .I am eccentric) ... .What the heck?... .Not a bit of guilt on her part and she turns and says to me "Who is CINDY?"

Well... .she deserved it... .so I just HAD to reply brutally honestly... ."Well... .remember that GoGo girl that I mentioned a couple of months ago? I guess that will teach you not to go thru my things... .now won't it! BTW... .I have not called that number in years!" 

No respect... .she got just what she deserved. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2015, 05:52:54 PM »

Mine used to say to me "I hate cheaters and liars."  Funny... .She was both. I now realize when ever she said that phrase she was either in the middle of telling me a lie, cheating on me, or both.
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« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2015, 09:02:12 PM »

Love the story of the gogo girl. Thank you!
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« Reply #29 on: February 10, 2015, 09:59:00 PM »

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD?

Yes, as fearful avoidance is the subset attachment style. 

At the core of the disorder is the fear of abandonmen and fear of engulfment. This create a mixed anxious and avoidant attachment style. 
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« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2015, 02:37:58 PM »

That BPD self-reflection post cross-posted here carries the same traits of my exGF.  i could hear her voice reciting every word in  my head.

Except that my ex is not in recovery, or cares to even bother. "It is, what it is... ." she would fake smile and say. She is at peace with herself, for it is all about control, manipulation, and valuation from her pathetic male orbiters.

She should flog herself by wearing a t shirt that billboards: "Take A Number, Please".
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« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2015, 03:12:39 PM »

The three faces of victim article I think is a good one to help understand the dynamic.  Essentially when a pwBPD begins to split their partner the partner no longer retains the position of rescuer, at least full time, thus creating a void to be filled by a fantasy other.  Random dude finds a nitch which is the fantasy other and exploits it. Their is a possibility the random dude is just really attractive and triggers the splitting.  In any case that void was already there where the person feels persecuted in some way in their life so they need an escape.
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« Reply #32 on: February 14, 2015, 07:33:33 AM »

That BPD self-reflection post cross-posted here carries the same traits of my exGF.  i could hear her voice reciting every word in  my head.

Except that my ex is not in recovery, or cares to even bother. "It is, what it is... ." she would fake smile and say. She is at peace with herself, for it is all about control, manipulation, and valuation from her pathetic male orbiters.

She should flog herself by wearing a t shirt that billboards: "Take A Number, Please".

Yup... .they have not been introduced to the word: "dignity".
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« Reply #33 on: February 14, 2015, 08:34:20 AM »

The three faces of victim article I think is a good one to help understand the dynamic.  Essentially when a pwBPD begins to split their partner the partner no longer retains the position of rescuer, at least full time, thus creating a void to be filled by a fantasy other.  Random dude finds a nitch which is the fantasy other and exploits it. Their is a possibility the random dude is just really attractive and triggers the splitting.  In any case that void was already there where the person feels persecuted in some way in their life so they need an escape.

I used to hate it when the split was happening. I could feel it coming and of course I would work even harder to keep myself in her favor. More attention, more love, and unfortunately giving up more and more of myself. All it did was perpetuate the cycle and she would expect more and more of that attention I was giving her.
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« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2015, 10:50:46 AM »

For me, it was the threat of false accusations that made me leave.  Things were going downhill for about four years. My daughter, ex-wife, and myself was living with her family. My ex’s sister started to make up false accusations, and my ex believed them and added to them.  I consulted an attorney who advised me to move out that same day.   
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« Reply #35 on: February 15, 2015, 12:13:26 PM »

A borderline will often line up her next romance while she's still involved with you. in short, her bed never gets cold-- so if you notice that she's started up with another guy immediately, it's likely because she'd cultivated that relationship before she broke up with you. don't expect her to admit to this, as she never will...
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« Reply #36 on: February 15, 2015, 12:26:20 PM »

I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

You're likely correct. It's speculation and I think my exwife started seeing her boyfriend around a year before she left.

We were out and she said she wants a divorce, followed by an emotional affair that was playing out in front of me with texting and messaging and then scorched earth and borderline rages. This was the tell as she felt alot of guilt and shame from her actions with ger cheating.

She knows the difference between right and wrong.  She was projecting her bad behaviors for around 5 months and left.

The  marriage had broken down. I lost trust and we disengaged. She was giving me the silent treatment and project her silent treatments and I checked out emotionally and was avoidant.

I put all of my focus on trying to run the household as normal as possible and threw myself into taking care of the kids. Business as usual as she was going through her dissociative phase. She had become irresponsible like an adolescent and would sleep over at his place and go out every night after I got off work to see him.

It was going on for awhile.

The four horsemen.

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

The "four horsemen" breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

Predictable Patterns of Marriage Breakdown - Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

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« Reply #37 on: February 15, 2015, 09:35:12 PM »

A borderline will often line up her next romance while she's still involved with you. in short, her bed never gets cold-- so if you notice that she's started up with another guy immediately, it's likely because she'd cultivated that relationship before she broke up with you. don't expect her to admit to this, as she never will...

Mine... .finally admitted that she was cheating on me in an off-hand indirect way when I totally put all my energy into calling her out on it after she had done a drive-by (she was living with the replacement then?).  Why do they think that they are evil geniuses and that we are just stupid?

They live in some kind of whacked, selfish, fantasy world... .
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« Reply #38 on: February 15, 2015, 09:52:42 PM »

Why do they think that they are evil geniuses and that we are just stupid?

They live in some kind of whacked, selfish, fantasy world... .

I love this, Infrared.

Mine had a bad memory, and knew I had a better one.  Yet, she rambled on and was surprised when I caught her lying like 1,000 times.  She had the same shocked look every time I started a sentence with "But you told me last week that... ."

She also told me she could deceive people and they would never know... .hardy... .har... har.

You'd think she would've figured out to start telling me the truth after a few months.
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« Reply #39 on: February 15, 2015, 10:24:24 PM »

I was in complete denial and under her spell.During the love bombing and the mirroring stage she told me so much how she loved me and would never ever hurt me.

Fast Forward she started behaving in weird ways that drove me crazy.I was obsessed with finding the truth.So I went on a couple missios to see if I could find anything.

Well I did... .She had a couple guys lined up and is now with her ex-boyfriend.This is the guy that she painted black and called him every name in the book and claimed she hated.

This reality nearly killed me and still burns inside me today.It is not as bad but it still stings to know she would betray me in such a way.
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« Reply #40 on: February 16, 2015, 05:04:18 AM »

Raisins and NY Mike... .

I just identify with you guys so much.  Early in our relationship... .totally unprovoked, out of nowhere, my ex said in the sweetest, sincere and caring voice that she would NEVER hurt me.

No one ever said anything like that to me... .just out of the blue... .it was so endearing to me... .It is such a clear, riveting moment in my mind. I remember the place she was sitting, the moment, etc.  it just made drop all my defenses and bound me to her in a way like no other. I felt so safe and loved in that moment. That moment and the sentiment expressed was just so precious to me... .

Fast forward five years and ... .just these ridiculous lies that I was finding her in during the breakup and when I would catch her dead-to-rights in blatant lies and one of her responses was "those were lies that I told you after I left you.", like ... oh... my rules that benefit me make it ok to lie, no harm no foul?  

Me, just speechless in disbelief that this person that I held so emotionally dear and close to me... .to  slowly have to accept who she actually is ... .it just damaged my soul... .but the truth is the truth.  Her actions is who she is... .not her words. Not a one of them.

Tough pill to swallow... .for me... .it is ping down, but it is still kind of stuck in my throat somewhere... .

All the behavior, her expression of deep profound love and then her antics during the cheating and running off... .I now, chalk it all up to childishness and arrested development... .This drew me in on the front end like nothing ever had and on the back end it chewed me up like a meat grinder... .
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« Reply #41 on: February 16, 2015, 06:56:38 AM »

Me, just speechless in disbelief that this person that I held so emotionally dear and close to me... .to  slowly have to accept who she actually is ... .it just damaged my soul... .but the truth is the truth.  Her actions is who she is... .not her words. Not a one of them.

Tough pill to swallow... .for me... .it is ping down, but it is still kind of stuck in my throat somewhere... .

All the behavior, her expression of deep profound love and then her antics during the cheating and running off... .I now, chalk it all up to childishness and arrested development... .This drew me in on the front end like nothing ever had and on the back end it chewed me up like a meat grinder... .

Yes... .same here.  Even the childlike reassurances at the beginning... .all smoke and mirrors, all fantasy.

Sometimes, when I think about the totality of it all, I realize that I've lived through a nightmare.
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« Reply #42 on: February 16, 2015, 08:22:34 AM »

Me, just speechless in disbelief that this person that I held so emotionally dear and close to me... .to  slowly have to accept who she actually is ... .it just damaged my soul... .but the truth is the truth.  Her actions is who she is... .not her words. Not a one of them.

Tough pill to swallow... .for me... .it is ping down, but it is still kind of stuck in my throat somewhere... .

All the behavior, her expression of deep profound love and then her antics during the cheating and running off... .I now, chalk it all up to childishness and arrested development... .This drew me in on the front end like nothing ever had and on the back end it chewed me up like a meat grinder... .

Yes... .same here.  Even the childlike reassurances at the beginning... .all smoke and mirrors, all fantasy.

Sometimes, when I think about the totality of it all, I realize that I've lived through a nightmare.

Yeah... .she made another comment that I will not forget... .she was running off... .saying that there was no one else... .during the Holidays... .I just knew it was a lie... .and she showed her hand to me without knowing when she said "I did't know that this was going to happen, now!"

WOW! Absolved of all responsibility to our relationship... .because the lying, the cheating, and the running off "happened to her". I could not believe what I was hearing.

This is the rambling of a 7 year old... .not a 32 yr. old?

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« Reply #43 on: February 17, 2015, 07:07:58 PM »

Me, just speechless in disbelief that this person that I held so emotionally dear and close to me... .to  slowly have to accept who she actually is ... .it just damaged my soul... .but the truth is the truth.  Her actions is who she is... .not her words. Not a one of them.

Tough pill to swallow... .for me... .it is ping down, but it is still kind of stuck in my throat somewhere... .

All the behavior, her expression of deep profound love and then her antics during the cheating and running off... .I now, chalk it all up to childishness and arrested development... .This drew me in on the front end like nothing ever had and on the back end it chewed me up like a meat grinder... .

Yes... .same here.  Even the childlike reassurances at the beginning... .all smoke and mirrors, all fantasy.

Sometimes, when I think about the totality of it all, I realize that I've lived through a nightmare.

I have to keep reminding myself that her actions are what matters most. Not her words. She could make me melt into forgiveness for anything she did with her words and what looked like sincerity at the time. But, after i would forgive and return to her, it would all start up again. I have been away for two months now and the more and more i tell my story, the fog keeps lifting. I hat to admit it now but she was not only cheating on me with the guy i was replaced by but there were others. A week after we start looking for wedding rings together, she goes on a business trip to a major city we visited often. She tells me while she is packing that she was going to meet up with a Facebook friend and that her ulterior motive in meeting him was to see if he would be our photographer. I told her that i would like to meet him together. I questioned why this was an ulterior motive, it should have been the whole motive. I decided that if i was going to marry this woman, then i needed to trust her. LOL, boy i was wrong. I don't know if anything happened while she was there but i did read the messages her and the guy were sending each other privately on messenger were not so innocent. She forgot that she logged onto her Facebook with my iPad, so  everything was popping up while she was out. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt after i confronted her about it. She unfriended him, but only a few months later i found myself being replaced by someone else.
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« Reply #44 on: February 17, 2015, 07:52:16 PM »

Me, just speechless in disbelief that this person that I held so emotionally dear and close to me... .to  slowly have to accept who she actually is ... .it just damaged my soul... .but the truth is the truth.  Her actions is who she is... .not her words. Not a one of them.

Tough pill to swallow... .for me... .it is ping down, but it is still kind of stuck in my throat somewhere... .

All the behavior, her expression of deep profound love and then her antics during the cheating and running off... .I now, chalk it all up to childishness and arrested development... .This drew me in on the front end like nothing ever had and on the back end it chewed me up like a meat grinder... .

Yes... .same here.  Even the childlike reassurances at the beginning... .all smoke and mirrors, all fantasy.

Sometimes, when I think about the totality of it all, I realize that I've lived through a nightmare.

I have to keep reminding myself that her actions are what matters most. Not her words. She could make me melt into forgiveness for anything she did with her words and what looked like sincerity at the time. But, after i would forgive and return to her, it would all start up again. I have been away for two months now and the more and more i tell my story, the fog keeps lifting. I hat to admit it now but she was not only cheating on me with the guy i was replaced by but there were others. A week after we start looking for wedding rings together, she goes on a business trip to a major city we visited often. She tells me while she is packing that she was going to meet up with a Facebook friend and that her ulterior motive in meeting him was to see if he would be our photographer. I told her that i would like to meet him together. I questioned why this was an ulterior motive, it should have been the whole motive. I decided that if i was going to marry this woman, then i needed to trust her. LOL, boy i was wrong. I don't know if anything happened while she was there but i did read the messages her and the guy were sending each other privately on messenger were not so innocent. She forgot that she logged onto her Facebook with my iPad, so  everything was popping up while she was out. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt after i confronted her about it. She unfriended him, but only a few months later i found myself being replaced by someone else.

I told mine early on that I did not like someone I date to cultivate back up plans secretly, flirt with other men, or communicate regularly with exes/orbiters that want more than simple friendship.

I said I find it best to tell your partner about friends of the opposite sex that you communicate with regularly so that there is less chance of misunderstanding.

I relayed some stories about exes that had male friends that they did not tell about me so as to keep the attention, wanting to meet alone with past flings/FWB, and emailing periodically past love interests to keep them on the hook in case we broke up.

I just didn't like this and did not do it myself. (frankly, I don't crave attention that much and if I want to have platonic fun I'd usually rather hang out with a male friend, and all my close friends are other men)

She agreed, but this was likely mirroring on her part.

I think she then went into stealth mode around any communication that I might find questionable.  So, my appeal for transparency had the opposite effect I feel.

I stated before that her phone buzzed notifications all the time for email, text, and facebook messages.  She never mentioned a one in any detail.  So, as I was having her check my phone for me to show my forthrightness ("hey honey, read the text I just got to me since I'm driving", she was sitting there with her phone vibrating/dinging every 15 minutes and ignoring it, even during the night.  The few times I was allowed to hold her phone to look at a picture or something, it would often vibrate in my hand, which I hated in a way.

I think now that she partially had her phone set up to ding constantly so that she would feel and give the impression that she had a more active social life.  I had very few people contacting me (3 very close friends and then family members), but they would usually check in once a day or more.  She did not have that from people close to her in her life, I do not feel.  Her phone was like an inanimate friend to her.  Her "precious".
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« Reply #45 on: February 17, 2015, 08:40:14 PM »

It feels like I have PTSD because every time I am out with friends and hear their phone buzz from an email or text message, I cringe. It is a reminder of how I would feel when hers would do that. I hated the feeling but I knew that something was going on. Not all the time but often enough to cause me to feel this way. This is how I had caught her cheating in the past. She would always keep her phone facing down. She would often check my phone but I had nothing to hide. there were times that she would not like me holding her phone too long as she would show me a picture or something that someone would post on Facebook. She was always on facebook and Pintrist, even late at night. So glad I dont have to deal with this anymore. I hated being so insecure, but when I would let my guard down, that was usually when she was usually communicating with someone. My ex only had two friends that were girls. All the rest were guys. Guess that says a lot. Always needed attention from guys.
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« Reply #46 on: February 17, 2015, 09:00:19 PM »

It feels like I have PTSD because every time I am out with friends and hear their phone buzz from an email or text message, I cringe. It is a reminder of how I would feel when hers would do that. I hated the feeling but I knew that something was going on. Not all the time but often enough to cause me to feel this way. This is how I had caught her cheating in the past. She would always keep her phone facing down. She would often check my phone but I had nothing to hide. there were times that she would not like me holding her phone too long as she would show me a picture or something that someone would post on Facebook. She was always on facebook and Pintrist, even late at night. So glad I dont have to deal with this anymore. I hated being so insecure, but when I would let my guard down, that was usually when she was usually communicating with someone. My ex only had two friends that were girls. All the rest were guys. Guess that says a lot. Always needed attention from guys.

This is so eerie that I almost feel we might have the same ex, seriously. (just read your first post and it can't be her, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

When mine would use the phone in front of me, she would navigate around so quickly that it was almost comical.  Let's say she would show me a picture someone texted her, she would then hit the back button on her galaxy so fast that it was assured I could not see any other message strings.  She is not that coordinated and did it so fast that it was almost frantic and she would sometimes miss the buttons.  But when I saw her using the phone off by herself, she would hit the buttons/screen at a normal rate.  And she did this even after I called her out on her phone habits, and our first break up was partly caused by me catching her acting shady on her phone.

Did she think I was an idiot with zero pattern recognition skills?  Should I have allowed this associate nurse to read more of the scientific publications I am first author on in order to disabuse her of that notion?
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« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2015, 11:11:19 PM »

Raisins, it is scary that all these stories are so similar. It is like we were all dating the same person. This site has helped me to see that it wasn't all my fault and that I was in fact the sane person in the relationship. My family and friends all said that I changed so much while I was dating my ex. They say that they can see a big difference in me now and that I have a light in my eyes again. And, they can tell that a huge weight has been lifted. The only problem is that there was so much damage and programming that I still miss her, or more accurately I miss the fantasy of her.
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« Reply #48 on: February 17, 2015, 11:16:37 PM »

Raisins, it is scary that all these stories are so similar. It is like we were all dating the same person. This site has helped me to see that it wasn't all my fault and that I was in fact the sane person in the relationship. My family and friends all said that I changed so much while I was dating my ex. They say that they can see a big difference in me now and that I have a light in my eyes again. And, they can tell that a huge weight has been lifted. The only problem is that there was so much damage and programming that I still miss her, or more accurately I miss the fantasy of her.

Yes, it confirms that we were with a disordered person when everything keeps matching up across different people.

My family and friends were also very concerned.  They encouraged me to leave her and a few staged "mini-interventions" where they would talk about the changes they were seeing in me.  I was constantly distracted and in emotional turmoil.  In effect, taking on some of the pwBPD's emotions.
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« Reply #49 on: February 18, 2015, 01:03:18 AM »

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

downnout98,

Yep, as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like she was cheating. As many have said here, BPD's are NOT going to be alone. Cheating and lying are common characteristics associated with people afflicted with BPD. It's so commonplace that I am always questioning the stories of Non's that claim that their significant other never cheated. Even the supposed non cheaters can abandon their significant other at the drop of a hat and be in another relationship just as quickly. That just doesn't add up unless the footwork to establish the new relationship hadn't already been done.

My BPDexgf, as I later learned, kept a string of men in line, just waiting for her attention. I use the term "men" lightly... .they weren't men, more like groveling/begging idiots. A sad lot indeed!

Be glad that you're out of that disaster my friend. A pwBPD is NOT someone that you can build a future with. Go find yourself a good woman that'll be with ya through thick and thin, one that will enjoy sharing life with you. They are out there, and they want and deserve good men.

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« Reply #50 on: February 18, 2015, 03:19:13 AM »

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

downnout98,

Yep, as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like she was cheating. As many have said here, BPD's are NOT going to be alone. Cheating and lying are common characteristics associated with people afflicted with BPD. It's so commonplace that I am always questioning the stories of Non's that claim that their significant other never cheated. Even the supposed non cheaters can abandon their significant other at the drop of a hat and be in another relationship just as quickly. That just doesn't add up unless the footwork to establish the new relationship hadn't already been done.

My BPDexgf, as I later learned, kept a string of men in line, just waiting for her attention. I use the term "men" lightly... .they weren't men, more like groveling/begging idiots. A sad lot indeed!

Be glad that you're out of that disaster my friend. A pwBPD is NOT someone that you can build a future with. Go find yourself a good woman that'll be with ya through thick and thin, one that will enjoy sharing life with you. They are out there, and they want and deserve good men.

I was in an 8 year r/s... .for the first four I would have bet a limb that, not only didn't my gf lie or cheat, but that she would NEVER lie or cheat.

Then came year 5... .
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« Reply #51 on: February 18, 2015, 03:51:38 AM »

"Then came year 5... ."

jhkbuzz,

I am sorry to hear that. I ALWAYS want to hear the opposite. My BPDexgf definitely led me to believe that she'd never lie or cheat. It was always her who had been cheated on and lied to (She played the "victim" role very convincingly.). Needless to say, she was lying when she told me that. There are countless stories on these boards about BPD's and infidelity. Promiscuous sex is listed as a possible impulsive behavior in the diagnostic criteria. It's just sad for everyone involved, everyone loses.
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« Reply #52 on: February 18, 2015, 03:53:50 AM »

"Then came year 5... ."

jhkbuzz,

I am sorry to hear that. I ALWAYS want to hear the opposite. Mine  definitely led me to believe that she'd never lie or cheat. Needless to say, she was lying when she told me that. There are countless stories on these boards about BPD's and infidelity. Promiscuous sex is listed as a possible impulsive behavior in the diagnosis criteria. It's just sad for everyone involved, everyone loses.

Yes.  Even them.  Especially them.
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« Reply #53 on: February 18, 2015, 03:54:53 AM »

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

downnout98,

Yep, as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like she was cheating. As many have said here, BPD's are NOT going to be alone. Cheating and lying are common characteristics associated with people afflicted with BPD. It's so commonplace that I am always questioning the stories of Non's that claim that their significant other never cheated. Even the supposed non cheaters can abandon their significant other at the drop of a hat and be in another relationship just as quickly. That just doesn't add up unless the footwork to establish the new relationship hadn't already been done.

My BPDexgf, as I later learned, kept a string of men in line, just waiting for her attention. I use the term "men" lightly... .they weren't men, more like groveling/begging idiots. A sad lot indeed!

Be glad that you're out of that disaster my friend. A pwBPD is NOT someone that you can build a future with. Go find yourself a good woman that'll be with ya through thick and thin, one that will enjoy sharing life with you. They are out there, and they want and deserve good men.

I was in an 8 year r/s... .for the first four I would have bet a limb that, not only didn't my gf lie or cheat, but that she would NEVER lie or cheat.

Then came year 5... .

That is my story, too.
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downnout98
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« Reply #54 on: February 18, 2015, 09:45:25 AM »

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

downnout98,

Yep, as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like she was cheating. As many have said here, BPD's are NOT going to be alone. Cheating and lying are common characteristics associated with people afflicted with BPD. It's so commonplace that I am always questioning the stories of Non's that claim that their significant other never cheated. Even the supposed non cheaters can abandon their significant other at the drop of a hat and be in another relationship just as quickly. That just doesn't add up unless the footwork to establish the new relationship hadn't already been done.

My BPDexgf, as I later learned, kept a string of men in line, just waiting for her attention. I use the term "men" lightly... .they weren't men, more like groveling/begging idiots. A sad lot indeed!

Be glad that you're out of that disaster my friend. A pwBPD is NOT someone that you can build a future with. Go find yourself a good woman that'll be with ya through thick and thin, one that will enjoy sharing life with you. They are out there, and they want and deserve good men.

I was in an 8 year r/s... .for the first four I would have bet a limb that, not only didn't my gf lie or cheat, but that she would NEVER lie or cheat.

Then came year 5... .

That is my story, too.

I keep reminding myself that she will not change and that it is not worth the pain and misery to be dealing with someone who can't help but to cheat. She always had someone in her back pocket and it was hell dealing with it. As I look back on the relationship and the recycling, it is scary to think of how many times she did cheat. I never wanted to see it but my friends and family saw it. I wanted so badly to believe her. I am doing much better with it now, but it was tough to face at first. Still hard to think of her with my replacement.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11047


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« Reply #55 on: February 18, 2015, 10:32:59 AM »

Staff only

Cheating or infidelity is a huge betrayal of trust, and a pain not moved past easily.

This is a worthwhile topic of discussion in order to process our relationships.  This thread has reached its post limit and is locked. Please feel free to start a new topic.

Turkish
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