Why is it so hard to let go of the Fantasy?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I say fantasy, because deep down I know that a normal relationship with my exBPDgf is a fantasy. As I finally tell my story and the whole story to my friends and family, they all say the same thing. Wow, why did you stay so long? I always wanted to believe that it could work because of love. My ex used to ask me if I was strong enough to be her man. I used to be, but couldn't hold on after the recycling, coldness, giving and taking love, cheating, abuse and so forth that we have all felt. Yet, at times I find myself wondering if it was me who was the problem and that I didn't try hard enough, or that I was blowing things out of proportion. We are no longer together because she kicked me out during one of her raging periods, but of course days later she was begging me to come back. I told her that I needed time. In her mind, I was rejecting her and so she found my replacement because he wanted her when supposedly I didnt. How quickly they forget how we stood by them through all the crap for so many years. I guess it is my pride and just wishing that she could one day see what she had. We could have had a really good thing because I was doing my part.

[downnout98]

I say fantasy, because deep down I know that a normal relationship with my exBPDgf is a fantasy. As I finally tell my story and the whole story to my friends and family, they all say the same thing. Wow, why did you stay so long? I always wanted to believe that it could work because of love. My ex used to ask me if I was strong enough to be her man. I used to be, but couldn't hold on after the recycling, coldness, giving and taking love, cheating, abuse and so forth that we have all felt. Yet, at times I find myself wondering if it was me who was the problem and that I didn't try hard enough, or that I was blowing things out of proportion. We are no longer together because she kicked me out during one of her raging periods, but of course days later she was begging me to come back. I told her that I needed time. In her mind, I was rejecting her and so she found my replacement because he wanted her when supposedly I didnt. How quickly they forget how we stood by them through all the crap for so many years. I guess it is my pride and just wishing that she could one day see what she had. We could have had a really good thing because I was doing my part.

[fromheeltoheal]

Because a borderline saw something in you she wanted, so she mirrored it, which works to create an attachment, yes, but she's also taking those traits on as her own parasitically, because she doesn't have a fully formed self of her own and doesn't like herself much.  So what you get mirrored back to you is an idealized version of yourself, the person you've been trying to be your whole life and the one she saw, a self you put forth that is a result of everything you've learned about yourself and the world since birth.  So of course you're going to fall in love with that, you fell in love with a perfect version of yourself, the problem is that there is no depth to a borderline's mirroring, they don't have the history of why you are the way you are, why you present yourself the way you do, so it's all fantasy.

And once she's taken that idealized self from you, stripped you of it, and started devaluing you, the final stage in the borderline cycle, you were left defenseless; the 'self' that you'd developed and had been using your whole life was no longer available to you, she took it, which is why we feel so devastated and also why we want to get back with an abuser once it ends.  We want our self back.  Insidious this mental illness, but once we get shaken to our core, everything stripped away, we get to rebuild anew, wiser and more self aware, and realize that the borderline was never something we wanted, and we get to fall in love with ourselves all over again, authentically.  It's a brand new world.

[Mutt]

We're wired for bonding and these break-ups are painful. Early development and attachment styles with a caretaker can help us with how we cope with relationship break-ups.

For example, partners with caretakers that gave them a sense that they were around; promoted trust are more sensible to their partners feelings and changes. Now partners with inconsistencies in their early years are more susceptible to defunct patterns in relations, they have tendencies to hang on; rather than go through the pain.

Persons with low self esteem tend to take rejection the worst, more likely to blame themselves with reasons that the relationship is over. Persons with high self esteem aren't as affected if they are the dumper or dumpee, it's not to say that they are not immune to the pain; they're less likely to take the lion's share of blame.

Coupled with biological reasons; there are areas of the brain linked with pain and distress than can effect you days or weeks after the break-up. The areas affected with craving, addiction, motivation and reward; the effects are like a drug-user going through withdrawal.

There's a mythology built around love that we may think that our partner was our "our one true soulmate". There's nothing magical about one person? In fact we have compatibilities with many potential people.

Helpful tips

• Acceptance that the relationship is over



• Trying not to beg, have our partners reconsider, attempts at trying to win back or hope to reconnect



• Stop communicating



• Getting rod of reminders or storing things like letters, gifts and cards

This will help with moving on.

Also not demonize the ex partner or plot "revenge" this is a was of time and will slow down your healing process.

The Biology of Breaking Up

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Flameheart]

Because a borderline saw something in you she wanted, so she mirrored it, which works to create an attachment, yes, but she's also taking those traits on as her own parasitically, because she doesn't have a fully formed self of her own and doesn't like herself much.  So what you get mirrored back to you is an idealized version of yourself, the person you've been trying to be your whole life and the one she saw, a self you put forth that is a result of everything you've learned about yourself and the world since birth.  So of course you're going to fall in love with that, you fell in love with a perfect version of yourself, the problem is that there is no depth to a borderline's mirroring, they don't have the history of why you are the way you are, why you present yourself the way you do, so it's all fantasy.

And once she's taken that idealized self from you, stripped you of it, and started devaluing you, the final stage in the borderline cycle, you were left defenseless; the 'self' that you'd developed and had been using your whole life was no longer available to you, she took it, which is why we feel so devastated and also why we want to get back with an abuser once it ends.  We want our self back.  Insidious this mental illness, but once we get shaken to our core, everything stripped away, we get to rebuild anew, wiser and more self aware, and realize that the borderline was never something we wanted, and we get to fall in love with ourselves all over again, authentically.  It's a brand new world.

100% agreed. That sums up my relationship with my BPDex/friend to a tee.

[Gonzalo]

So of course you're going to fall in love with that, you fell in love with a perfect version of yourself, the problem is that there is no depth to a borderline's mirroring, they don't have the history of why you are the way you are, why you present yourself the way you do, so it's all fantasy.

I realize now how little depth some things had. I would say something, and she would adopt what I said, but without any of the caveats and 'of course... .' pieces that go behind it in my head. I had never been a big fan of valentines day, largely because I was usually alone on it, and told her. I didn't mention that I would like to do something since we had an (apparently) stable relationship, and since she declared that she wasn't a big fan of it either, I never did. Now with her new partners, she's doing some kind of big party/celebration, because she's no longer mirroring that part of me, and picked it up from one of them. There were a lot of other things that I talked about that would be neat to do, that she sort of adopted, but wanted done in a really unrealistic way, because she wasn't mirroring 'what I want' but the quick, conversational summary.

I think recognizing how much of the fantasy was really not grounded in the real world helps. Also, realizing that all of the pop-psych and pop-relationship myths about being 'strong enough', 'love conquers all', 'it takes two to argue' really are just meaningless phrases, and are said in the context of dealing with someone who does not have a major mental issue. Would you really feel like you had failed as an SO if you found that you weren't able to build the castle flying in the sky that a psychotic person thought you should? It's the same thing.

[downnout98]

Thank you everyone. That mirroring is such a powerful tool. I used to think that I finally found my perfect match and yes, she was everything I wanted to be. But it didn't last and I was always trying to get it back. As I talk with my T, this does bring things up from my childhood. I will say that I have learned so many life lessons in this r/s. I am looking forward to applying them in my life as I move forward. Now that she is with someone else, I worry that everything I ever wanted in our relationship will happen in that one. But I should know better. She used to tell me that if her ex husband saw the way we were with each other, it would have drove him crazy because that's what he wanted from her too. I felt lucky that she was giving to me what she couldn't before. I guess that was just the mirroring. I'm sure it will be the same for the next guy.

[christin5433]

I say fantasy, because deep down I know that a normal relationship with my exBPDgf is a fantasy. As I finally tell my story and the whole story to my friends and family, they all say the same thing. Wow, why did you stay so long? I always wanted to believe that it could work because of love. My ex used to ask me if I was strong enough to be her man. I used to be, but couldn't hold on after the recycling, coldness, giving and taking love, cheating, abuse and so forth that we have all felt. Yet, at times I find myself wondering if it was me who was the problem and that I didn't try hard enough, or that I was blowing things out of proportion. We are no longer together because she kicked me out during one of her raging periods, but of course days later she was begging me to come back. I told her that I needed time. In her mind, I was rejecting her and so she found my replacement because he wanted her when supposedly I didnt. How quickly they forget how we stood by them through all the crap for so many years. I guess it is my pride and just wishing that she could one day see what she had. We could have had a really good thing because I was doing my part.

It's that no closure I think that makes it hard to wrap your brain around the what's fantasy and what's fact . When I divorced along time ago we split up we went thru the struggle of not being w each other we went thru the yelling about what each other did. We never had worries of a immediate replacement or just weird no nothing just gone the end?

This is the reason for me ... .I was actually thinking tonight why would she screw me over so bad when there was no reason other than some made up reasons in her head ?

I think also the reason is we don't understand why so many rages or why so much anger for the person who is trying to satisfy them is happening! It's so confusing. I have no contact at all w my ex for being such a horrible person to me at the end ... .Then turns and says it was all me w all kinds of other made up lies. So you tell me we are stuck in what the heck is going on? Then that's it. Now you just got to pick up the pieces and hope you can move on w your life and become whole again... ., but in the forefront of your mind there they are. I told myself tonight get out of my head... .UHg. It's thAt no closure no understanding of this way a person works in such a white and black frame of mind.

[christin5433]

We're wired for bonding and these break-ups are painful. Early development and attachment styles with a caretaker can help us with how we cope with relationship break-ups.

For example, partners with caretakers that gave them a sense that they were around; promoted trust are more sensible to their partners feelings and changes. Now partners with inconsistencies in their early years are more susceptible to defunct patterns in relations, they have tendencies to hang on; rather than go through the pain.

Persons with low self esteem tend to take rejection the worst, more likely to blame themselves with reasons that the relationship is over. Persons with high self esteem aren't as affected if they are the dumper or dumpee, it's not to say that they are not immune to the pain; they're less likely to take the lion's share of blame.

Coupled with biological reasons; there are areas of the brain linked with pain and distress than can effect you days or weeks after the break-up. The areas affected with craving, addiction, motivation and reward; the effects are like a drug-user going through withdrawal.

There's a mythology built around love that we may think that our partner was our "our one true soulmate". There's nothing magical about one person? In fact we have compatibilities with many potential people.

Helpful tips

• Acceptance that the relationship is over



• Trying not to beg, have our partners reconsider, attempts at trying to win back or hope to reconnect



• Stop communicating



• Getting rod of reminders or storing things like letters, gifts and cards

This will help with moving on.

Also not demonize the ex partner or plot "revenge" this is a was of time and will slow down your healing process.

The Biology of Breaking Up

Hang in there.


----Mutt

Good stuff again to read I have seen you post that before. It's true not to plot revenge . If you do don't act on it. I'm trying I get the biology of craving and it's getting less its just no closure I think drives you nuts. No apology no empathy nothing ? You would think what the heck did I do to deserve such negative behavior after you have invested so much. I am still trying to come to terms ... I wish I just had the anger of get away from me. But instead my brain and body craves these decent behaviors from my ex. It's just wrong and if I can just accept that it is what it is. I will have passed to the next level. I keep trying and telling myself its gonna be better w time.

[downnout98]

I think it is that there is no closure that gets to me. Being replaced and not having any empathy does make me feel like it was all for nothing. I need to let it go but it bothers me to think that she feels I abandoned her at the end, when all I was trying to do was take some time for myself to gather my strength again. And in that very very short time I was replaced and now she is totally in love with the new guy. Makes me feel like it was all a lie. All I got was a sorry. I used to be very independent and confident, now I feel shattered through the course of the R/S. Picking up the pieces again and looking forward to being whole again.

[Blimblam]

Down out

Yeah I can relate to that questioning if I meant anything to her.   The cold callous emptiness.  The thing is they use their attachments as a sort of container to fit themselves into.  It is merely a case of the new container and old container not being compatible with each other.  You now remind her of her failure and she covers that pain with feeling in control over her attachments. Whatever she felt for you at the time was genuine and authentic but over time she began to resent you.  There is still a part of her that cares about you but those emotions are not compatible with the new container. How ever she feels now is the reality in which she lives which is about survival and avoiding the pain of being alone.  She's doing what ah feels she has to to survive it's nothing personal although they go out of their way often to make it feel personal so that we identify with their projection of us.

[christin5433]

I think it is that there is no closure that gets to me. Being replaced and not having any empathy does make me feel like it was all for nothing. I need to let it go but it bothers me to think that she feels I abandoned her at the end, when all I was trying to do was take some time for myself to gather my strength again. And in that very very short time I was replaced and now she is totally in love with the new guy. Makes me feel like it was all a lie. All I got was a sorry. I used to be very independent and confident, now I feel shattered through the course of the R/S. Picking up the pieces again and looking forward to being whole again.

Huh funny I got the same line... I use to be so independent before I met u. Everything was better before she met me shed say in her rages. Then sorry I love you and I didn't mean that... .Actually the second part I'd ask her if she meant it and shed say no. Well it's my walk too. We had a family and life partner. Now it's just a memory of what was ... .4 years of standing by someone through all her struggles and then decides she's done because I wouldn't co sign her demands ... .My one time I was not going to go along w her tantrum ... .Poof gone. I think we learn to hang on to all we read here and go through our anguish and put ourselves together. I don't know how I would have got this far wo this forum ... .I went thru deep depression anger and I kept myself connecting here getting empathy for my hurt. It is truely sad to have this happen to us especially w the replacement ... I found a great thing I just read I will try to find and post.

[christin5433]

Espy, you are going to get through this. Hard as it is.

Resolve not to contact your ex. There's nothing you can say that he hasn't already heard, and there's nothing he can say that you can truly believe.

Closure? From a perpetual liar? From a chameleon? How could you ever be sure whatever you finally received was anything but BS?

There's nothing wrong with their hearing. They hear just fine. What they hear is just one more thing that's too overwhelming to deal with.

Try to think, longer and harder than ever before, about what it must be like to be a person whose inner world is so terrifying that virtually 100% of their focus is trained on filling the bottomless hole in their soul and attaining some degree of control over the unrelenting turmoil. Your feelings... .  EVERYONE"S feelings... .  are incidental to him. Get through to him? You may as well send packets of sugar to a diabetic with the hope that one day he will miraculously be able to metabolize it.

Some things you might consider doing instead:

Volunteer. Give to someone who may just appreciate it.

Go to an animal shelter. Foster or adopt a pet.

Read voraciously about BPD.

Reconnect with friends of both genders. You might be amazed how far you drifted from so many when you were "enmeshed" in your r/s.

Get in your car or train or plane and visit out-of-town relatives. Realize that aunts and uncles, for example, are not getting any younger. These people are your blood. Go see them.

Find a good therapist.

Avoid drowning your sorrows in booze or non-prescribed drugs.

Find at least one regular activity that will allow for physical/emotional release. Walk. Pump iron. Dig a garden. Do yoga. Join a choir.

Rediscover old hobbies and interests. Maybe spend a couple bucks on yourself to rekindle your passion for something along those lines. You deserve it.

Write. Keep a journal. Compose letters you never send.

Tuck safely away all traces of your ex, such as photos, gifts, cards, letters, etc.

Demystify your ex by conjuring up all kinds of ridiculous scenarios in which their shortcomings fail them. Imagine your ex taking a lie detector test, for example, and watch the readings go off the chart. Imagine them passing gas in church. Give them silly nicknames that you keep to yourself. Whatever works!

Eat healthy and get a regular good night's sleep.

Be proud of the efforts you made in your r/s. There's no one in the world who could have done any better. The next victim will also come to learn this. And the next and the next.

Be patient regarding a fulfilling relationship. It's probably a good thing you can't feel connected to new people at this point. With the craziness you've just had to deal with, your best protection against another huge problem is your ambivalence.

I wish you the best. You are not alone!

[Infared]

I say fantasy, because deep down I know that a normal relationship with my exBPDgf is a fantasy. As I finally tell my story and the whole story to my friends and family, they all say the same thing. Wow, why did you stay so long? I always wanted to believe that it could work because of love. My ex used to ask me if I was strong enough to be her man. I used to be, but couldn't hold on after the recycling, coldness, giving and taking love, cheating, abuse and so forth that we have all felt. Yet, at times I find myself wondering if it was me who was the problem and that I didn't try hard enough, or that I was blowing things out of proportion. We are no longer together because she kicked me out during one of her raging periods, but of course days later she was begging me to come back. I told her that I needed time. In her mind, I was rejecting her and so she found my replacement because he wanted her when supposedly I didnt. How quickly they forget how we stood by them through all the crap for so many years. I guess it is my pride and just wishing that she could one day see what she had. We could have had a really good thing because I was doing my part.

DnO... .please just concentrate on the fact that your "needing some time" (can you say "healthy"!), saved you from unrelenting HELL. Yes... I still miss the fantasy, too... .and I do not know if I will ever truly own that it was/is a fantasy... .but in the long run you took care of you and gave her the opportunity to show you who she REALLY is. Hug youself and know that you were loving you and now you are headed in a better direction for your life.  

I love the list of suggestions that christin gave as well... .and it all amounts to moving forward. Just take baby steps and have some faith and everything will get better with time.

[FlyingAway]

Resolve not to contact your ex. There's nothing you can say that he hasn't already heard, and there's nothing he can say that you can truly believe.

Try to think, longer and harder than ever before, about what it must be like to be a person whose inner world is so terrifying that virtually 100% of their focus is trained on filling the bottomless hole in their soul and attaining some degree of control over the unrelenting turmoil. Your feelings... .  EVERYONE"S feelings... .  are incidental to him.

Thank you for writing this, Christin5433. Both points are incredibly helpful to see.

[hope2727]

I think its so hard to give up on the fantasy because we really WANTED the fantasy. I know that I did. I loved and liked him. I believed in him the way I believed in myself. He was what I had always looked for in a partner and finally given up on ever finding. Unfortunately it was all to good to be true. Thats kind of funny because his POF profile actually says he may seem to good to me true. hilarious.

[Infared]

I think its so hard to give up on the fantasy because we really WANTED the fantasy. I know that I did. I loved and liked him. I believed in him the way I believed in myself. He was what I had always looked for in a partner and finally given up on ever finding. Unfortunately it was all to good to be true. Thats kind of funny because his POF profile actually says he may seem to good to me true. hilarious.

During mirroring, you were looking at yourself... .so... .thats not so bad... .RIGHT?

[downnout98]

DnO... .please just concentrate on the fact that your "needing some time" (can you say "healthy"!), saved you from unrelenting HELL. Yes... I still miss the fantasy, too... .and I do not know if I will ever truly own that it was/is a fantasy... .but in the long run you took care of you and gave her the opportunity to show you who she REALLY is. Hug youself and know that you were loving you and now you are headed in a better direction for your life. 

I love the list of suggestions that christin gave as well... .and it all amounts to moving forward. Just take baby steps and have some faith and everything will get better with time.

Thank you very much. Yes, I really do feel that taking time is the best thing for me and the fact that she was not supportive of it tells me all I need to know.

Thank you everyone. Great points and very helpful advice.

[downwhim]

Re: Why is it so hard to let go of the Fantasy?

« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 09:40:04 PM »

Reply with quoteQuote 



Quote from: Mutt on Yesterday at 12:00:31 PM

We're wired for bonding and these break-ups are painful. Early development and attachment styles with a caretaker can help us with how we cope with relationship break-ups.

For example, partners with caretakers that gave them a sense that they were around; promoted trust are more sensible to their partners feelings and changes. Now partners with inconsistencies in their early years are more susceptible to defunct patterns in relations, they have tendencies to hang on; rather than go through the pain.

Persons with low self esteem tend to take rejection the worst, more likely to blame themselves with reasons that the relationship is over. Persons with high self esteem aren't as affected if they are the dumper or dumpee, it's not to say that they are not immune to the pain; they're less likely to take the lion's share of blame.

Coupled with biological reasons; there are areas of the brain linked with pain and distress than can effect you days or weeks after the break-up. The areas affected with craving, addiction, motivation and reward; the effects are like a drug-user going through withdrawal.

There's a mythology built around love that we may think that our partner was our "our one true soulmate". There's nothing magical about one person? In fact we have compatibilities with many potential people.

"Helpful tips

•Acceptance that the relationship is over

•Trying not to beg, have our partners reconsider, attempts at trying to win back or hope to reconnect

•Stop communicating

•Getting rod of reminders or storing things like letters, gifts and cards

This will help with moving on.

Also not demonize the ex partner or plot "revenge" this is a was of time and will slow down your healing process. " 

Thanks for the reminder. It Is so hard to do. I thought by 4 1/2 months I would start to feel nothing. Maybe Valentines and all the commercials etc is a trigger. I still miss him but he also feels unfamiliar now. The craving comes and goes. The sadness weaves in and out. My head says he was not good for me and way too controlling and BPD. My heart feels heavy still. Just can't rush this stuff. I have the letters and pictures buried in the garage in a box somewhere. 

[schwing]

I don't know if this applies to you at all.  But I'll tell you why it took me so long to let go of *my* fantasy.  My difficulty in letting go of my exBPDgf had more to do with my relationship with my uBPDm than my exBPDgf.  Even though I had been in NC with my exBPDgf for years (maybe even a decade) after our break-up, my mind still struggled with the pain and the confusion the break-up triggered in me.

My understanding, now, is that what I really had difficulty letting go of... .was the fantasy that I could *win* or *earn* the love of my uBPDm; a love that I came to recognize she (my mother) is incapable of giving me.  This is at the heart of my childhood wound.  And because of this wound, I had always been chasing after women who in one way or another, mirrored and reflected the kind of dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother.  Because when I found her (my exBPDgf), I found a profound kind of love and attachment that I couldn't not rationally justify except through romanticized ideas (i.e., love at first sight, soul mate, etc... ).  What I have learned is not to underestimate what my unconscious mind is capable of perceiving that I cannot consciously understand or accept; after all, who accepts the idea that they are unconsciously drawn to qualities associated with their parents?

The fantasy that I couldn't let go of was that I would be able to find a woman who would in the beginning "love" me in the same fashion that my mother "loved" me (i.e., all the borderline behaviors) but then would "see the light" and then love me in the way my mother couldn't love me.  Which is why in some ways I interacted with my exBPDgf in such a "regressed" manner;  she helped me access these early childhood feelings.  And the fantasy was that *this time* I would win over or earn the love I could not get from my mother.  Only I couldn't/I didn't.  My problem was that I was still (unconsciously) trying to squeeze water from a rock.  And in effect, I would only relive the pain of not getting the love/security, I needed.

I didn't see this connection at the beginning.  I didn't see it really until more than halfway through my "recovery."  But it makes sense to me in this way now. 

It should not have taken me 15 years to "get over" a 4 year relationship.  On the other hand, 15 years is a respectable amount to time to come to terms with a dysfunction 30+ year relationship with a disordered parent.

[raisins3142]

Great stuff Schwing.

I realize now that my mother is pretty cluster b.  She was very depressed/anxious/volatile and had an eating disorder and threatened suicide.  She was also dependent upon me at a young age for support, and I heard things that an 11 year old should never hear or have to process (ex. her detailing her suicidal ideations and feelings of total worthlessness).  It caused me to develop OCD and mild to moderate substance abuse problems in my teens (daily cigarette and pot smoking) which relieved my anxiety and OCD.

Not strangely, the only two women I feel that I fell in love with (which I identified as being swept away by emotion) were both cluster b, with the last most likely full blown BPD.

I am glad I've finally made the connection.  However, it makes me less tolerant of my mother's odd behaviors now that I see where they actually all align.  I don't dare tell my family or her what I think her issue is.

[drummerboy]

This is a great thread, so much honesty and insight. I think my situation is similar. I had a good relationship with my mum and a poor relationship with my dad. I've read that around age 7 and child shifts their main focus from their mom to their dad as we need to be prepared for the outside world. The mothers love is unconditional, the fathers love has to be earned, in this way we are prepared for later life by learning that their are consequences for our actions. No matter what we do, the mother will love us, with the father, we have to continually earn it. I never got much from my dad so I think I've been going around looking for someone that I could earn my love from which I think leads to the "knight in shining armour" syndrome which really is a mild form of codependcy. If only you let me show you how much I love you by trying to help you I will be rewarded with your love. So after the idealisation/mirroring ends i had enormous trouble letting go of the fantasy because I wanted so badly to earn her love in a way I was never able to with my dad.

[Infared]

I don't know if this applies to you at all.  But I'll tell you why it took me so long to let go of *my* fantasy.  My difficulty in letting go of my exBPDgf had more to do with my relationship with my uBPDm than my exBPDgf.  Even though I had been in NC with my exBPDgf for years (maybe even a decade) after our break-up, my mind still struggled with the pain and the confusion the break-up triggered in me.

My understanding, now, is that what I really had difficulty letting go of... .was the fantasy that I could *win* or *earn* the love of my uBPDm; a love that I came to recognize she (my mother) is incapable of giving me.  This is at the heart of my childhood wound.  And because of this wound, I had always been chasing after women who in one way or another, mirrored and reflected the kind of dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother.  Because when I found her (my exBPDgf), I found a profound kind of love and attachment that I couldn't not rationally justify except through romanticized ideas (i.e., love at first sight, soul mate, etc... ).  What I have learned is not to underestimate what my unconscious mind is capable of perceiving that I cannot consciously understand or accept; after all, who accepts the idea that they are unconsciously drawn to qualities associated with their parents?

The fantasy that I couldn't let go of was that I would be able to find a woman who would in the beginning "love" me in the same fashion that my mother "loved" me (i.e., all the borderline behaviors) but then would "see the light" and then love me in the way my mother couldn't love me.  Which is why in some ways I interacted with my exBPDgf in such a "regressed" manner;  she helped me access these early childhood feelings.  And the fantasy was that *this time* I would win over or earn the love I could not get from my mother.  Only I couldn't/I didn't.  My problem was that I was still (unconsciously) trying to squeeze water from a rock.  And in effect, I would only relive the pain of not getting the love/security, I needed.

I didn't see this connection at the beginning.  I didn't see it really until more than halfway through my "recovery."  But it makes sense to me in this way now. 

It should not have taken me 15 years to "get over" a 4 year relationship.  On the other hand, 15 years is a respectable amount to time to come to terms with a dysfunction 30+ year relationship with a disordered parent.

WOW! Schwing... .that hit me like a spike through my forehead!

THANK YOU!

[downnout98]

I don't know if this applies to you at all.  But I'll tell you why it took me so long to let go of *my* fantasy.  My difficulty in letting go of my exBPDgf had more to do with my relationship with my uBPDm than my exBPDgf.  Even though I had been in NC with my exBPDgf for years (maybe even a decade) after our break-up, my mind still struggled with the pain and the confusion the break-up triggered in me.

My understanding, now, is that what I really had difficulty letting go of... .was the fantasy that I could *win* or *earn* the love of my uBPDm; a love that I came to recognize she (my mother) is incapable of giving me.  This is at the heart of my childhood wound.  And because of this wound, I had always been chasing after women who in one way or another, mirrored and reflected the kind of dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother.  Because when I found her (my exBPDgf), I found a profound kind of love and attachment that I couldn't not rationally justify except through romanticized ideas (i.e., love at first sight, soul mate, etc... ).  What I have learned is not to underestimate what my unconscious mind is capable of perceiving that I cannot consciously understand or accept; after all, who accepts the idea that they are unconsciously drawn to qualities associated with their parents?

The fantasy that I couldn't let go of was that I would be able to find a woman who would in the beginning "love" me in the same fashion that my mother "loved" me (i.e., all the borderline behaviors) but then would "see the light" and then love me in the way my mother couldn't love me.  Which is why in some ways I interacted with my exBPDgf in such a "regressed" manner;  she helped me access these early childhood feelings.  And the fantasy was that *this time* I would win over or earn the love I could not get from my mother.  Only I couldn't/I didn't.  My problem was that I was still (unconsciously) trying to squeeze water from a rock.  And in effect, I would only relive the pain of not getting the love/security, I needed.

I didn't see this connection at the beginning.  I didn't see it really until more than halfway through my "recovery."  But it makes sense to me in this way now. 

It should not have taken me 15 years to "get over" a 4 year relationship.  On the other hand, 15 years is a respectable amount to time to come to terms with a dysfunction 30+ year relationship with a disordered parent.

WOW! Schwing... .that hit me like a spike through my forehead!

THANK YOU!

Wow, so true. I have been rejected so much by my father, and when I wasn't being rejected, I was controlled. My mother controlled through manipulation. My exBPDgf fit these roles so well and I guess that is why it was 1) so familiar and 2) I had hoped the outcome would be different. I got hooked on trying to alter the outcome of something that happened in the past and that I had no control over. The hardest part was how my ex would show me incredible love and I actually fell for the idea that things could be normal with her. But that only lasted for a very short while. Usually when she was in need of something. Then the wheels would fall off and I was back in misery again. I am breaking the cycle this time by taking care of myself. 

[Keysmiami]

This is a great post. It's so sad for me that this was the first relationship that I had both feet in. I saw myself being with her. I was a father figure to her six year old. I loved and cared for them both. Now it's like they died.

[downnout98]

This is a great post. It's so sad for me that this was the first relationship that I had both feet in. I saw myself being with her. I was a father figure to her six year old. I loved and cared for them both. Now it's like they died.

I know what you mean keysmiami. My ex had two older kids, the youngest being 14, and I have an 8 year old daughter. I showed her kids a lot of love, respect and understanding. Sometimes her daughter would say that I gave more attention to her than her own dad. The only problem was that while I was doing this for her kids and trying so hard to be a good model in building a family, my ex was driving a wedge between me and my own daughter. My daughter was being treated more and more like an outcast by her and her children. She said she loved my daughter but I know deep down, my daughter was an obstacle for my ex. She felt like she was competing with my daughter. It was really sad because I felt like I showed equal love. In the end, I had enough of my daughter being treated unfairly and being subjected to the same crap I was going through. I chose this, my daughter did not and that finally hit me. My daughter is one of the biggest reasons I have been able to stay away from this relationship. But still, I am sad for her kids. Especially for her daughter.

[downnout98]

My exBPDgf sent me a text today saying that something always leads her back to me. That we were supposed to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I was going to propose soon, until I started getting the feeling that she was cheating again.

Anyway, she went on to say that she was sad because her whole family all loved me and thought we were going to get married. That she was upset because I signed a lease at an apartment. She forgets that she kicked me out of her house after one of her rages. She also forgets that she replaced me pretty quick and based on another thread I posted, she had something going on with this guy even when we were together.

Part of me wants to hold on and think that she is sincere, but I know that it is just another attempt to recycle. I hate that she has this effect on me. I have to remember that she is saying all this while she is dating my replacement. I think things are not going so well because she said that her family is not accepting him because it is too soon. I wanted to laugh when I read that because I wanted to say something like what do you expect?

Trying to let go is hard to do.

[Infared]

My exBPDgf sent me a text today saying that something always leads her back to me. That we were supposed to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I was going to propose soon, until I started getting the feeling that she was cheating again.

Anyway, she went on to say that she was sad because her whole family all loved me and thought we were going to get married. That she was upset because I signed a lease at an apartment. She forgets that she kicked me out of her house after one of her rages. She also forgets that she replaced me pretty quick and based on another thread I posted, she had something going on with this guy even when we were together.

Part of me wants to hold on and think that she is sincere, but I know that it is just another attempt to recycle. I hate that she has this effect on me. I have to remember that she is saying all this while she is dating my replacement. I think things are not going so well because she said that her family is not accepting him because it is too soon. I wanted to laugh when I read that because I wanted to say something like what do you expect?

Trying to let go is hard to do.

I feel for you and I identify.

My ex was involved with my replacement long before she ran off... .and she lied to everyone and him, me, her Mom, her step Dad, her Dad, her stepmother, her best friend, her therapist... .just everyone. Her families really liked me and I know that they must have been stunned when she discarded me and showed up with my replacement days or weeks later. Afterall, she was living with me for 5 years, and still sort of at our place.

The level of calculation and coldness, countered with this unbelievable lack of ability to take any responsibility for the lying, cheating, etc... .and then constantly playing victim on top of it all will have my head spinning for the rest of my life. It all still remains incomprehensible to me.

[drummerboy]

Reading your post something just occurred to me. I don't think my ex did the lying! The night after she first met me, after a week of texting, she told the guy she had been living with that its over, just like that, a complete bolt out of the blue to him, she did nothing behind his back. This now has me thinking. At least with a liar they know what they are doing is wrong and are trying to hide it but perhaps with my ex she was so totally devoid of any empathy that she simply didn't care, which would push her towards psychopath status!

The level of calculation and coldness, countered with this unbelievable lack of ability to take any responsibility for the lying, cheating, etc... .and then constantly playing victim on top of it all will have my head spinning for the rest of my life. It all still remains incomprehensible to me.

[Infared]

Reading your post something just occurred to me. I don't think my ex did the lying! The night after she first met me, after a week of texting, she told the guy she had been living with that its over, just like that, a complete bolt out of the blue to him, she did nothing behind his back. This now has me thinking. At least with a liar they know what they are doing is wrong and are trying to hide it but perhaps with my ex she was so totally devoid of any empathy that she simply didn't care, which would push her towards psychopath status!

The level of calculation and coldness, countered with this unbelievable lack of ability to take any responsibility for the lying, cheating, etc... .and then constantly playing victim on top of it all will have my head spinning for the rest of my life. It all still remains incomprehensible to me.

... .but if a person cheats and lies to everyone (me, him, her families , her therapist about me, about him), and then puts blame and then plays victim... .how can you be a victim of your own indiscretion?

... .doesn't that qualify for psychopathic status?     

[enlighten me]

Another thing to bear in mind is addiction. Falling in love releases chemicals that form a bond. In a normal relationship it is mutual but in a BPD relationship it is one sided. They keep us going with little hits of kindness which is why we put up with so much as we keep hoping for that hit. When the relationship ends and our supply is withdrawn then we seek out that fix. We try to recycle and we obsess about them.

Yes there are factors like our FOO involved but these are more to do with why we are attracted or attract them.

Have a read up on addiction. You may be suprised at how many of the behaviours your experiencing are reflected there.