Was just sent this apology letter from my exBPDgf. Advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I went over a lot of the messages on this board and one of them about apologies and how they're never sincere. After she cheated on me 3 days ago, we talked and I was firm about not getting back together since I can't do infidelity. She tried a few different things to manipulate me into getting back together with her - guilt, love, anger, excuses but I stood firm and I told her I wished her well, I love her, but I have to let her go. She just sent this apology letter. It's long, she's a great writer, but wondering what this community thinks of the letter. I changed my name to "figuring it out" and her name at the end. I feel very vulnerable sharing this as it's deeply personal, but I trust this community is trying to help. Here we go.

--------------------

‘Figuring it out’,

I have to write to you, I must write to you. By the time you'll have received this you will no longer be blocked on my phone. I can't bear to lose connection with you. I can't bear to hear you say you can’t deal with me anymore to my face. My mind is locked in circles of looking back and ripping at myself for the little things I could've done to put the brakes on this crash, wringing my skin with claws that's how I feel when I think of what I've done and the twisted sick cruelty of it. I am horrified that I have gone to such lengths to hurt myself and that you were a victim. I have thrown a happier version of my life in the garbage ripped up and ruined, hurting ourselves to such an extreme that I'm terrified of what I will have to do to create the life you wanted for me without you being there to help. Without us being together, eating together, loving each other.

I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’. I'm physically weak and in my stomach there's a mess of raw organs being crushed in the palm of a fist. I am a silhouette of a body concave and hunched over, literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake. Sleep is a realm I frantically clutch, waking with the burning punch still buried in my body inescapable by day. My mind is screaming ‘Figuring it out’ at every moment, looping, going in circles, thoughts spinning on repeat.

Everything I could've done to stop this, replaying the crime and beating myself for it over and over and over, this is what I'd wish for if I ever met a genie, turn back this time. Everything ignites the pain, your face, a memory, misery. Eggs and bacon. You're special egg sandwiches. The pork skin you made for me. The dumplings I'll have to face in my freezer for the last time stabbing stomach and screaming in my head burning at my eyes. How much I loved making them with you. Noodle soup. Listening to Serial. The first time I watched you make coffee. The hammock. My sister’s tights with the hole in them. The first time we had sex. All the times we've had sex. Youring love and body and mind and spirit. The toothbrush in my bathroom that I got for you, the blanket I bought so that you wouldn't get cold when you slept over that you'll never get to see. The panda stickers on my laptop and mirror and phone smashing rivers through my eyes. The magnets you bought for my mom. That beer can I stole with you. Your lilies fading in the vase I purchased right as we decay. I keep forgetting to drink water. Your roses dried up on my wall.

Seeing your earplugs threw me into desperate devastating despair. I kept them in a little treasure chest that I also used to store my razors in. I threw them away weeping for all the nights you won't be over to use them, bloody razors and bright blue ear plugs sitting in the trash. Your voice throughout the day saying things then fading out while the pain crescendos over, this current of hands strangling my insides. Guilt anger sadness, echoing loss torturing my breath, my limbs. I had everything I wanted and stole it from us. The magnitude of this self-destruction has me trembling all day, tears behind every thought, every thought thumping ‘Figuring it out’. Acting, actors, movies and commercials. Oysters. Food with you. Your beautiful face with that smile that I loved knowing was mine. Your kind meals. How sweet you are in the morning. The way I loved waking up turning over and touching you just to know I had you there. Covering your feet with blankets. Snow. Chinatown. Riding in the subway, where you found me, exactly what I'd always wanted, you there in the train reaching out to me.

I lost you and my chest compresses because I snapped your love in half and now we stand alone. The fact that now you will go on to love another person when it always should've been me breaks waves down upon me, washing over me, drowning me. The fact that I did this to myself, can’t get another chance, the fear of being without you and alone, the impact of this crater and the gigantic ripples of its consequence, years of my life changed for the worse in one moment, it’s such enormous pain. Work threw me into a flood of tears and torment because it was the first time I had to have daily life without the chance of you. Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours, being in your apartment, waking up in your bed, being naked with you. Never being held by you, never making love with you. Knowing I hate myself so much that I made you leave me. Having to go on alone now and knowing that I have to. Endless thoughts beating in my head, around, around, again.

I have to make myself better because I can never hurt myself or someone I love ever again because the tricks I play are only getting dirtier and are becoming more unbearable, more serious. Losing you is the first big loss I’ve had, this is grieving. I am in mourning because I killed my love, broken to break myself, each personal attack becoming more and more painful, and this one tops them all. This is the deepest cut I could have ever made ripping you away, this most devastating. I only see one way out. I have to do it the way you think I could, live life loudly and create or do and be strong. I have to because I cannot believe I actually did this to us and I'm horrified at what else this thing is willing to do to destroy me. I have no other option but to fix it all, at least to honor you and also beg for you. I cannot make it if I don't get better because this almost killed me. My next move against myself may be deadly. And the only hope I have is one day I'm better and you may want me one more time. Grimly knowing I have to face this life alone because I failed myself by hurting you, losing you, that if I cannot die I have to get through it somehow, this has drained me completely, the prospect of it, the overwhelming nature of this. I don’t have you, I don’t have you, I don’t have you anymore. I pray I meet you on the other side. Hours are so slow.

I scream and slice my insides to blood knowing you have gone and I will not get texts from you. We will not get drunk and kinky. The fact that now your underwear I must wear as a pledge to become better for you instead of wearing them for you, since I can no longer actually have you, because this is what you wanted. The only way out of this pain is never causing it again. Changing. Dedicating myself to something else and that else has to be me, and I’m so scared about it. About this future I have to make, scared to invest in me, trust me, take control, stop hiding. I physically quake at knowing the only way forward is out.  I’m moving to our death march and can’t function right now. But this pain is too great for cutting. It's too deep and surrounding and life shattering. Losing you has demolished me. I see that I cannot continue on the way I have. Change has to commence and I have to go on alone and I mourn for the companion I could’ve had. A deep look inside, a step out into the world, or I’ll always hurt myself and it’ll be worse every time. This hurt was too much, the loss too serious, and I try to feel brave about fixing my life but I am only horrified.

I wish so strongly that I had done all the things I didn't do that could have prevented my cruelty against us. Sabotage I could have stopped. This is guilt that wraps me tighter and tighter, deeper and deeper, lonelier and lonelier. I have loved you more then anyone I have ever met. You were everything I wanted and scared me to pieces. I failed to ask for help and now I will haunt you with this wound and I burn myself for it. I took a beautiful fragile soul and damaged it. I am so sorry ‘Figuring it out’ that I wasn't what you deserved, that you didn't get to see the way I really love you, that I paid your love back in betrayal and heartbreak. Your love is so beautiful. I am forever marked by this loss, self-inflicted. And I forever beg for you to come back. And I will try to live a life that you would have wanted to help create. I cannot go back. I have to go forward to maybe catch up to you, to ever be in any relationship again, to not scare people off from this cause.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending. I imagine you'll never be able to remember me in a good light now that I cast shadow, but you lighted my life night and day. Please just know I will try to avenge us by murdering this thing inside of me because it murdered us and I never wanted to do it and I never wanted to hurt you. Please know I was a scared broken thing playing the big leagues of love whispering it couldn't be done in my ear hurting hurting hurting myself over and over and over. I'm so sorry I didn't lean on you the way I wanted to, let you in the way I needed to. I was scared you’d turn away from me. Instead I just forced you to. I won’t give you my reasons because it’s not what you deserve to hear, nothing justifies, not even that I overloaded from how much love I have for you.

My mother used to say that it wasn’t the quantity it was the quality of love that counted. I failed at giving the person I love most the love they should’ve received, the love I wanted to give, the love I actually have. I missed my chance and am now left knowing that I can love you exactly how you deserve but that you’ll never believe me again, never entrust yourself with me. This is my punishment, my personal purgatory.

I was so scared of love. And that’s the saddest part of all

because your love is the best.

I love you the most.

I love you the strongest.

I love you forever ‘Figuring it out’.

My ExBPD

[Figuring it out]

I went over a lot of the messages on this board and one of them about apologies and how they're never sincere. After she cheated on me 3 days ago, we talked and I was firm about not getting back together since I can't do infidelity. She tried a few different things to manipulate me into getting back together with her - guilt, love, anger, excuses but I stood firm and I told her I wished her well, I love her, but I have to let her go. She just sent this apology letter. It's long, she's a great writer, but wondering what this community thinks of the letter. I changed my name to "figuring it out" and her name at the end. I feel very vulnerable sharing this as it's deeply personal, but I trust this community is trying to help. Here we go.

--------------------

‘Figuring it out’,

I have to write to you, I must write to you. By the time you'll have received this you will no longer be blocked on my phone. I can't bear to lose connection with you. I can't bear to hear you say you can’t deal with me anymore to my face. My mind is locked in circles of looking back and ripping at myself for the little things I could've done to put the brakes on this crash, wringing my skin with claws that's how I feel when I think of what I've done and the twisted sick cruelty of it. I am horrified that I have gone to such lengths to hurt myself and that you were a victim. I have thrown a happier version of my life in the garbage ripped up and ruined, hurting ourselves to such an extreme that I'm terrified of what I will have to do to create the life you wanted for me without you being there to help. Without us being together, eating together, loving each other.

I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’. I'm physically weak and in my stomach there's a mess of raw organs being crushed in the palm of a fist. I am a silhouette of a body concave and hunched over, literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake. Sleep is a realm I frantically clutch, waking with the burning punch still buried in my body inescapable by day. My mind is screaming ‘Figuring it out’ at every moment, looping, going in circles, thoughts spinning on repeat.

Everything I could've done to stop this, replaying the crime and beating myself for it over and over and over, this is what I'd wish for if I ever met a genie, turn back this time. Everything ignites the pain, your face, a memory, misery. Eggs and bacon. You're special egg sandwiches. The pork skin you made for me. The dumplings I'll have to face in my freezer for the last time stabbing stomach and screaming in my head burning at my eyes. How much I loved making them with you. Noodle soup. Listening to Serial. The first time I watched you make coffee. The hammock. My sister’s tights with the hole in them. The first time we had sex. All the times we've had sex. Youring love and body and mind and spirit. The toothbrush in my bathroom that I got for you, the blanket I bought so that you wouldn't get cold when you slept over that you'll never get to see. The panda stickers on my laptop and mirror and phone smashing rivers through my eyes. The magnets you bought for my mom. That beer can I stole with you. Your lilies fading in the vase I purchased right as we decay. I keep forgetting to drink water. Your roses dried up on my wall.

Seeing your earplugs threw me into desperate devastating despair. I kept them in a little treasure chest that I also used to store my razors in. I threw them away weeping for all the nights you won't be over to use them, bloody razors and bright blue ear plugs sitting in the trash. Your voice throughout the day saying things then fading out while the pain crescendos over, this current of hands strangling my insides. Guilt anger sadness, echoing loss torturing my breath, my limbs. I had everything I wanted and stole it from us. The magnitude of this self-destruction has me trembling all day, tears behind every thought, every thought thumping ‘Figuring it out’. Acting, actors, movies and commercials. Oysters. Food with you. Your beautiful face with that smile that I loved knowing was mine. Your kind meals. How sweet you are in the morning. The way I loved waking up turning over and touching you just to know I had you there. Covering your feet with blankets. Snow. Chinatown. Riding in the subway, where you found me, exactly what I'd always wanted, you there in the train reaching out to me.

I lost you and my chest compresses because I snapped your love in half and now we stand alone. The fact that now you will go on to love another person when it always should've been me breaks waves down upon me, washing over me, drowning me. The fact that I did this to myself, can’t get another chance, the fear of being without you and alone, the impact of this crater and the gigantic ripples of its consequence, years of my life changed for the worse in one moment, it’s such enormous pain. Work threw me into a flood of tears and torment because it was the first time I had to have daily life without the chance of you. Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours, being in your apartment, waking up in your bed, being naked with you. Never being held by you, never making love with you. Knowing I hate myself so much that I made you leave me. Having to go on alone now and knowing that I have to. Endless thoughts beating in my head, around, around, again.

I have to make myself better because I can never hurt myself or someone I love ever again because the tricks I play are only getting dirtier and are becoming more unbearable, more serious. Losing you is the first big loss I’ve had, this is grieving. I am in mourning because I killed my love, broken to break myself, each personal attack becoming more and more painful, and this one tops them all. This is the deepest cut I could have ever made ripping you away, this most devastating. I only see one way out. I have to do it the way you think I could, live life loudly and create or do and be strong. I have to because I cannot believe I actually did this to us and I'm horrified at what else this thing is willing to do to destroy me. I have no other option but to fix it all, at least to honor you and also beg for you. I cannot make it if I don't get better because this almost killed me. My next move against myself may be deadly. And the only hope I have is one day I'm better and you may want me one more time. Grimly knowing I have to face this life alone because I failed myself by hurting you, losing you, that if I cannot die I have to get through it somehow, this has drained me completely, the prospect of it, the overwhelming nature of this. I don’t have you, I don’t have you, I don’t have you anymore. I pray I meet you on the other side. Hours are so slow.

I scream and slice my insides to blood knowing you have gone and I will not get texts from you. We will not get drunk and kinky. The fact that now your underwear I must wear as a pledge to become better for you instead of wearing them for you, since I can no longer actually have you, because this is what you wanted. The only way out of this pain is never causing it again. Changing. Dedicating myself to something else and that else has to be me, and I’m so scared about it. About this future I have to make, scared to invest in me, trust me, take control, stop hiding. I physically quake at knowing the only way forward is out.  I’m moving to our death march and can’t function right now. But this pain is too great for cutting. It's too deep and surrounding and life shattering. Losing you has demolished me. I see that I cannot continue on the way I have. Change has to commence and I have to go on alone and I mourn for the companion I could’ve had. A deep look inside, a step out into the world, or I’ll always hurt myself and it’ll be worse every time. This hurt was too much, the loss too serious, and I try to feel brave about fixing my life but I am only horrified.

I wish so strongly that I had done all the things I didn't do that could have prevented my cruelty against us. Sabotage I could have stopped. This is guilt that wraps me tighter and tighter, deeper and deeper, lonelier and lonelier. I have loved you more then anyone I have ever met. You were everything I wanted and scared me to pieces. I failed to ask for help and now I will haunt you with this wound and I burn myself for it. I took a beautiful fragile soul and damaged it. I am so sorry ‘Figuring it out’ that I wasn't what you deserved, that you didn't get to see the way I really love you, that I paid your love back in betrayal and heartbreak. Your love is so beautiful. I am forever marked by this loss, self-inflicted. And I forever beg for you to come back. And I will try to live a life that you would have wanted to help create. I cannot go back. I have to go forward to maybe catch up to you, to ever be in any relationship again, to not scare people off from this cause.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending. I imagine you'll never be able to remember me in a good light now that I cast shadow, but you lighted my life night and day. Please just know I will try to avenge us by murdering this thing inside of me because it murdered us and I never wanted to do it and I never wanted to hurt you. Please know I was a scared broken thing playing the big leagues of love whispering it couldn't be done in my ear hurting hurting hurting myself over and over and over. I'm so sorry I didn't lean on you the way I wanted to, let you in the way I needed to. I was scared you’d turn away from me. Instead I just forced you to. I won’t give you my reasons because it’s not what you deserve to hear, nothing justifies, not even that I overloaded from how much love I have for you.

My mother used to say that it wasn’t the quantity it was the quality of love that counted. I failed at giving the person I love most the love they should’ve received, the love I wanted to give, the love I actually have. I missed my chance and am now left knowing that I can love you exactly how you deserve but that you’ll never believe me again, never entrust yourself with me. This is my punishment, my personal purgatory.

I was so scared of love. And that’s the saddest part of all

because your love is the best.

I love you the most.

I love you the strongest.

I love you forever ‘Figuring it out’.

My ExBPD

[Figuring it out]

If you're interested, this was my introductory post and gives background to the reason behind this letter. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272382.0

[Infern0]

How appropriately histrionic.

Any interest in reconciling on your part?

Break the theatrics down to their rawest points and interprit from there, seems she wants you to swoop in and rescue her.

What do you want?

[Sunfl0wer]

My interpretation:

literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake.

I need you to see that I am in pain!  I am good at being dramatic and will paint a brilliant theatrical exaggerated picture of my pain.  My performance will impress and astound anyone.  You will be compelled to feel the pain with me.

"I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’."

 

I will draw you in by sneaking in some flattery.  I will allude to you being special here and there, but not too much, as this letter is about me.

Everything I could've done to stop this

".  I know that you have always wanted me to take blame.  I will throw you this bone.

Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours

I will be as dramatic as humanely possible, and then I will still try to top that.  You will be forced to feel sorry for me.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending."

This is my real goal of this letter.  I am in pain because I cannot leave things with you thinking badly of me.  (I can however, leave with you thinking well of me.) I want to control the way you think of me.  I'm desperate to know that you don't think badly of me.  I need to be validated by someone for my self esteem needs. 

It is clear that she is desperate, but desperate for what?

I think she thinks you painted her black and can't handle her feelings about that.

I think she is clearly trying to manipulate you into the hero role as she plays weak and pained one in need of rescuing.

I think it is telling of her... .  That all she talks about is her feelings.  She never attempts to think long about how you have been affected, your life, your feelings, your future, your past or present.

It seems like a desperate act on her part, to get some soothing that she cannot provide to herself.

I don't know about other people, but when I make a mistake, at work, in relationships, I volunteer and tell people what I will do to remedy the situation. I don't just fall apart and sulk over it.  Her actions of droning on about herself forever just negate any .001% compassion she expressed toward you.  Just my opinion tho.

[Figuring it out]

I know the relationship is not good for me. It would be so easy to take her back, but I think she needs to figure this out on her own. Even she mentioned that it was melodramatic but honest. I believe what she says and I would like her to be in my life perhaps later on, but not now. Not for a while.

So this is pretty typical of BPDs dealing with and relationship ending?

[Figuring it out]

Sunfl0wer,

Greatly appreciate your interpretation. You're right. Everything is "I" and any "you" is usually paired with an "I". I was really affected by the letter and it made me cry. It is like the emotion of someone very young... .

[Withdrawal]

I would only pray that I get such a letter from my exBPD. To know she actually even gets it enough to act  such a letter would be relief for me. If I got something like that, I can be pretty sure I would meet with her and tell her that the only way I would ever be with her again, if I would, is if she were in DBT therapy and sex addiction therapy for six months and agrees to take a lie detector test whenever I want her to after that. I wouldn't get back together with her for six months at least. See if she's for real. Cause I don't trust mine at all anymore. She has lied to me too many times and too convincingly. So, I would be thrilled to get such a letter, but would set up any future with severe boundaries and limits. With no assurance that I would be into the idea in the end at all. But I would feel better about life and love in general if mine ever even wrote half as much about how sorry she is.

I'm glad to read yours though… because it just made me realize that even if I did get something like that, I still probably wouldn't get back with her. They're too f'in crazy and sickening.

[Sunfl0wer]

I just went and read your earlier thread.  I wonder if she thinks she can put on a display of so much pain, that she can blind you into ignoring her behaviors of cheating. Ignoring your values.

Anyway... .

Now that we focused on her... .

How about we switch focus on you?

Figuring it Out, I am so sorry that you have gone through so much in such a short time.  I see that you have been caring, compassionate and have tried to be a genuine sense of support to her. 

I wish I had more to say for you.  I am working on learning more around here to cope with the end of my r/s.  Tonight was tricky.  My uBPDstbexbf showed some kindness for the first time in weeks.  I was on edge, waiting for him to explode, and I was surprised that he flipped to kindness unexpectedly.  I was so grateful. 

As I thought of the warm gratitude feelings I was having, I felt sad for myself at the same time.  My grateful feelings felt more like having Stockholm syndrome.  I have been deprived of his kindness for so long that inside I felt such joy and gratitude for him.  Kindness should be normal!  It should not be exceptional!  I can't believe that I feel so deprived, that emotional abuse is my new normal, and kindness is like the Fourth of July to me! 

[raisins3142]

I would only pray that I get such a letter from my exBPD. To know she actually even gets it enough to act  such a letter would be relief for me. If I got something like that, I can be pretty sure I would meet with her and tell her that the only way I would ever be with her again, if I would, is if she were in DBT therapy and sex addiction therapy for six months and agrees to take a lie detector test whenever I want her to after that. I wouldn't get back together with her for six months at least. See if she's for real. Cause I don't trust mine at all anymore. She has lied to me too many times and too convincingly. So, I would be thrilled to get such a letter, but would set up any future with severe boundaries and limits. With no assurance that I would be into the idea in the end at all. But I would feel better about life and love in general if mine ever even wrote half as much about how sorry she is.

I'm glad to read yours though… because it just made me realize that even if I did get something like that, I still probably wouldn't get back with her. They're too f'in crazy and sickening.

Lie detector tests are not reliable.  It's been researched.

Just an FYI for anyone that would actually strap a BPD to one.

[raisins3142]

Anyone can say or write some words.  Actions matter.  She has shown you who she is and what she does in relationships.

If you must keep a copy of the letter.  I'd print it and then lock it up somewhere.  And I would go no contact.

Sorry, I'm just being blunt here.  No way this relationship can be healthy for you.  It would take a very long time for her to get somewhat better.  I doubt you want to wait around in a disordered relationship hoping she gets into therapy, stays in it, and it works. you

Also, in this relationship, even is you use protection, you have an elevated risk of contracting an STD or raising another man's child, not to mention all the emotional and psychological damage.


Best wishes.  This is very tough.

[Targeted]

Tell her to use that strength of love for you she writes about and turn it into what matters,  actions!.  She can take all those feelings to a professional to get help, if her actions are to do so than maybe you can talk about other things later,

Just my thoughts,

[Infared]

F.I.O... .I read your earlier post... .this is so upsetting. Like most BPD'S... .

I think your instincts are correct. The only thing you can do is take care of you. The person that wrote that letter is not capable of a mature, adult relationship. Her actions do not match up with her delusional, emotional rambling and gushing. It's also soo childlike. Sorry to be so blunt... .but that letter is disturbing to me, knowing your history.

I think that you need to move away from this and take care of you. Beccause of your dynamic I do not think that your can be helpful to her and her disease because you are invested in her as an adult love relationship. So you trying to help her would just be too painful and not possible because of your history. You have too much invested in a short time.  Life plays awful tricks on us sometimes. Trust me... I know this, too.

[Plonko]

I know it's a horrible thing to say but that letter sounds to me like a torrent of me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Possibly with added foot stamping and other child-like tantrum actions. All masked in an attempt at flowery poetic language. I say steer well clear, remain NC and continue your recovery.

[hope2727]

Hi,

So sorry you had to endure everything you have been through. I am racing out the door to work but let me add this to your thoughts. My first thought as I read was "I am not your therapist". And she obviously needs one.

With my ex I actually had to tell him that point blank. I even had to tell him 'call your therapist' when he was dysregulated and then go hide and study on campus. IT was horrible but necessary. I have the suicide crisis line on my cell phone and have read it aloud to him.

You are not her therapist and cannot heal her pain. Only she can do that. Vomiting it on you is emotional abuse. So take good care of you and let her take care of her. She is a grown up with excellent resources available.

Ok hugs. Please take care of yourself. Being sent things like that is gutting and takes its toll.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My interpretation:

literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake.

I need you to see that I am in pain!  I am good at being dramatic and will paint a brilliant theatrical exaggerated picture of my pain.  My performance will impress and astound anyone.  You will be compelled to feel the pain with me.

"I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’."

 

I will draw you in by sneaking in some flattery.  I will allude to you being special here and there, but not too much, as this letter is about me.

Everything I could've done to stop this

".  I know that you have always wanted me to take blame.  I will throw you this bone.

Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours

I will be as dramatic as humanely possible, and then I will still try to top that.  You will be forced to feel sorry for me.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending."

This is my real goal of this letter.  I am in pain because I cannot leave things with you thinking badly of me.  (I can however, leave with you thinking well of me.) I want to control the way you think of me.  I'm desperate to know that you don't think badly of me.  I need to be validated by someone for my self esteem needs. 

It is clear that she is desperate, but desperate for what?

I think she thinks you painted her black and can't handle her feelings about that.

I think she is clearly trying to manipulate you into the hero role as she plays weak and pained one in need of rescuing.

I think it is telling of her... .  That all she talks about is her feelings.  She never attempts to think long about how you have been affected, your life, your feelings, your future, your past or present.

It seems like a desperate act on her part, to get some soothing that she cannot provide to herself.

I don't know about other people, but when I make a mistake, at work, in relationships, I volunteer and tell people what I will do to remedy the situation. I don't just fall apart and sulk over it.  Her actions of droning on about herself forever just negate any .001% compassion she expressed toward you.  Just my opinion tho.

Exactly.

All I needed to read were the first two sentences of each paragraph.

It's not about lost love.  Not at all.

She needs to have control of you.

[Figuring it out]

Thank you for the outpouring of support. I didn't expect to see so many responses when I woke up. I have responded to each of you!

Withdrawl,

It felt so nice to get the letter from my exBPD, and she definitely stirred the pot with it. In the email she sent with the letter she also told me that I'm going to be receiving another one when her sister picks up her things. I feel like I'm very weak right now and want nothing but to get back together again and for us to be good, but I have a feeling that she's not fixed.

She told me one thing about what happened when she went and saw the guy and then changed the story to make it seemed as if she was raped. I questioned her about it and then I contacted her sister (My exBPD asked her to contact me while she was under observation) to tell my exBPD being raped and she told me that she had heard a slightly different story. So I don't think I can deal with the anxiety and manipulation.

Sunfl0wer,

I tried to give me all to this short but very intense relationship and I just got to a place where I allowed myself to feel. Her actions aren't EXACTLY textbook but very close to it. I'm sorry for your feelings and you deserve proper love in your life. It's funny how when examining other relationships, one is able to see clearly but with your own, your passion/love/need/wishes/desires cloud us from seeing things for what they are. I wish you the best in your recovery from your uBPDstbexbf.

By the way, what do all of those letters stand for. I get the BPD and the exbf.

Raisins,

I plan on going no contact. I'm not printing it but it will always be in my inbox. Since I'm an artist and filmmaker, I think I may be able to find a way to use it in my creative endeavors as a way to cope. I agree with you that the relationship is not healthy. I overlooked some important things because of the love I had for her. I feel that she loved me in the way that she could and it has been very passionate and fulfilling and I guess that's why it hurts so much.


Unfortunately, I just found out that my uncle passed away last night who I was close to and it puts this situation in a different light. I feel it is less significant now and also the support from this group is great. The thing I see stressed is that SHE WILL NOT EVER BE BETTER. It makes me very sad, but I really really do hope that she finds a way to cope. I know NC is the way to go, but I will be wishing her a happy birthday (coming up later this month) and will check in with her sister periodically to make sure she's ok. I really do care about her.

Targeted,

She is currently getting professional help, but sometime she cheats (no pun intended, haha). She goes to DBT regularly and just started taking a new round of drugs which supposedly helps. She said in the letter that she's going to try and get better, but it may be an attempt to placate me. I will create space between me and her and try to work on myself so I can be a better person.

Infrared,

Thank you for your kind words. You seemed to have suffered as well. I think after a decent amount of time has passed, I would like to make contact to see if she has improved. When in the relationship she felt a remorse in hurting a past love and they have reconnected and were hanging out. It was a girl and she said that there was nothing sexual because she had hurt her too much and if she tried anything, that could make the other girl make another attempt to take her own life. (she is another BPD). You are right in that is a much like a child’s rambling tantrum, but it is touching as so many of the things she writes are very strong moments that we shared that I cherish. Some important, some small and significant. It could be manipulation, but I think a lot of things that a BPD person does (does pwBPD mean person with BPD?) is like a normal person.

I dated a girl once and when we broke up, she wrote me a letter recounting her affection, her disappointment, and the lovely moments we had together.  She was very sad, but we weren’t a good match, but she wasn’t BPD. I truly wish the best for her and would like to see her recover. I honestly would like to try again with her later on, but I think once time passes, I will realize much of what you all realize that she will forever have the burden of this disease on her shoulders.

Plonko,

I completely agree and I’d rather not have things sugar coated. Thanks for writing.

Hope,

She actually does have a therapist she sees along with the DBT treatment. However, this one is not as good as her previous. She gets treatment for free after her attempt and the therapists she sees rotate since they are grad students. I know now that I cannot help her and she needs to help herself. This even has hurt a lot but has also opened my eyes about mental illness and the people suffering from it and the people who have to cope with it. I do not want to villainize her because I truly do care about her and I do and I don’t blame her for her actions if that makes sense.  It hurts but I know that healing takes time. I just hope that my psyche is not damaged from this experience and use it to become a better and more empathetic person. Was it difficult separating?

[Sunfl0wer]

Her actions aren't EXACTLY textbook but very close to it.

Maybe like Infern said, could she be more histrionic?

By the way, what do all of those letters stand for. I get the BPD and the exbf.

Lol, I'm still figuring things out so I'm sure my letters were not exactly in the right place.  Un diagnosed, BPD, soon to be ex boyfriend.

[raisins3142]

She could get better in the future, but are you willing to put up with what you have been while you wait on an uncertain outcome?

My undiagnosed BPD exgf (uBPDexgf) seemed relatively high functioning and self aware compared to some mentioned here, and I literally would not trust anything out of her mouth and almost nothing would surprise me.  She could be upset with me over something I knew nothing of and was odd (like asking her to change driving plans, which once caused her to be mad at me for over a day simply because she had to drive 30 minutes at 10 am); and if someone approached or contacted her I could see her feeling justified in sleeping with them and never telling me about it.  I have no proof that she did this to me, but I know she very much has it in her.  You can't trust a person like that at all, and I don't welcome "wolves" into my home any longer.

I told her how I felt when exgf's hung out with single men (that were interested in them or exs) alone and in private in the past.  I'm sure she found that boundary controlling, so I would not be surprised if she put herself in those situations just to get at me unknowingly or to prove me wrong (right?).  These folks are about the most unreasonable people on Earth.  At least many schizophrenics, once medicated, know that they were hearing voices in their heads before that were auto-generated by an illness.

Of course, like most BPDs, if they tell you "I won't do that (again?)" then you are abusive and have trust issues, according to them, if you do not take them at their word.

[nowwhatz]

Wow!

I wish my exgf would have put this kind of stuff in a long letter so at least when she denied saying things I could refer to letter.

That is really incredible.  I agree with sunfl0wer's interpretation.

[apollotech]

Anyone can say or write some words.  Actions matter.  She has shown you who she is and what she does in relationships [emphasis mine].

If you must keep a copy of the letter.  I'd print it and then lock it up somewhere.  And I would go no contact.

Sorry, I'm just being blunt here.  No way this relationship can be healthy for you [emphasis mine].  It would take a very long time for her to get somewhat better.  I doubt you want to wait around in a disordered relationship hoping she gets into therapy, stays in it, and it works. you

Also, in this relationship, even is you use protection, you have an elevated risk of contracting an STD or raising another man's child, not to mention all the emotional and psychological damage.


Best wishes.  This is very tough.

I feel for you brother. You are correct, it is "emotionally" a very lovely written letter, but expressing little of real value. Simply, where is the practical/useful/applicable substance... .how she is going to change herself moving forward, how she is going to make amends for her infidelity, how to grow the relationship? People afflicted with BPD are masters at generating chaos, thereby keeping the relationship mired in an infantile stage of development. Actions and energies are consumed in relationship repair rather than in relationship development. Equally absent, there is very little addressing your feelings/wants/thoughts/needs. As with most BPD monologs, it is very self-centered and without much practical benefit for the relationship. I personally have three such letters from my BPDexgf. Unfortunately, they never brought about applicable/beneficial change for our relationship.

I am with raisians3142, their ACTIONS tell the tale. Their words are lip service, part of their mirage, oftentimes used to mesmerize. To see this in the letters addressed to me, I printed them and struck through all of the emotional dribble, very little was left.

I wish you all the best with any decision(s) that you make. Whether you choose to stay or leave, both paths will be tough to traverse. I hope that you attain peace and enlightenment on your journey.

[Sunfl0wer]

Actions and energies are consumed in relationship repair rather than in relationship development.

 

Thank you Apollotech!  You just gave me a piece of insight I struggled with for years!  Now I know why!   That makes so much sense, I complained about this, took proactive steps, but it was always one step fwd, two, three steps back.  A never ending regression. 

Wow I needed that!

[billypilgrim]

It's interesting to me to see the same sorts of letters/e-mails get posted over and over again from different folks' partners.  I've been on this site for 3 or 4 months now and almost once a week someone posts something they received from their ex.  They all read like this one.  They're good.  They all play to our emotional sides. They all recall sentimental memories.  And for a moment, it looks like they've slid back into playing that role of the partner that we originally fell for.  We see them again, ever so briefly.  And we might think that they have come around or somehow realized that they screwed up and they are back to make amends.  Maybe if we try things again, it'll work this time, we start to think.  They seem to be saying all of the things we so desperately wanted them to say when things started to sour.

But then when you cut through the fluff, it's just more of the same.  It's all about them.  It's them testing the connection or reaching back out in desperation.  We are still just a means to an end.  Something to be used until the next shiny new thing comes along.  

Her opening paragraph focuses solely on her and her hurt.  You are mentioned only by way of her having to write you because she hurts.  There's no real acknowledgement that she hurt you or that she is remorseful for hurting you on it's own merits, only by means that she is hurting now as a result of hurting you.  There's no apology.  Only her graciously letting you know that you are now unblocked from her phone.  Congrats, you've finally made it in the world.

Her next paragraph is basically a continuation of the first, only she really hones in on how she has never hurt like this before.  She is once again the victim and she is in need of rescuing.  :)espite the fact that this is her own doing. She can't sleep, she can't eat, blah blah blah.  No mention of you or curiosity as to how you are doing.  Have you been able to eat?  Have you been able to sleep?  How did her actions affect you?  Those questions likely never crossed her mind.

Now her third paragraph is where I feel like you may have struggled a bit, it's where I would have struggled anyway.  She brings up all of those special memories the two of you shared.  She finally gets around to discussing you but only in reference to how you made her feel.  In this paragraph, she might start to mirror that projection of her that you have of her in your head.  She's playing that role of your partner again - she needs you again.  But her feelings and needs are still primary.  Those sandwiches you made her.  All of the things you made her.  And then she very cleverly includes a metaphor at the end of her wilting away like a flower without water.  You are her water.  Yes, she is a good writer.  But read her words for what they really are.  We are now 3 paragraphs in and she has yet to express true, sincere concern for you in any meaningful or real way.  

The same sentiments continue in the next paragraphs.  Little things that remind her of the two of you.  Likely tough to read but honestly, not much substance.  Please don't take that the wrong way but it is was it is.  Words and memories.  No substance.  

Then she gets to the troubling parts.   "I cannot make it if I don't get better because this almost killed me. My next move against myself may be deadly."  If this isn't a "I hate you, don't leave me" sort of comment, then I don't know what is.  Why put this on you?  She is her own responsibility, not yours.  But this is her pleading with you to come rescue her.  Guilting you into helping her.  Look how bad things could go if you don't help me "Figuring it out!"  You need to save her again. So she can use you up and go out and repeat the same mistakes that she's always made.  Ugh.

Then comes the apology, if you want to call it that.  "I am so sorry ‘Figuring it out’ that I wasn't what you deserved, that you didn't get to see the way I really love you, that I paid your love back in betrayal and heartbreak."  You didn't see the way that she really loved you?  Please.  Her love expressed itself by cheating on you?  That's not love, friend.  And you don't understand her love for you how exactly?  This is her dangling the carrot - you might have even questioned how exactly did I not understand how she loved me?  Is it my fault that I didn't see how she really did love me?  More emotional manipulation.  And this is supposed to be her grand apology after 7 paragraphs of build up?  It rings pretty hollow, if you ask me.  She buries the apology toward the end of the letter, sandwiched between talk of how "horrified" she is of having to live with the consequences of her actions and this quote: "And I forever beg for you to come back. And I will try to live a life that you would have wanted to help create. I cannot go back. I have to go forward to maybe catch up to you, to ever be in any relationship again, to not scare people off from this cause."  I suppose that's her prerogative as she is free to do as she wishes but to me, that comes across as a complete disregard to the boundaries you laid down regarding infidelity.  

The last two paragraphs are also frustrating to read.  She continues in her apology.  But in the same vein as the previous attempts.  She is so sorry because now she hurts and you are gone.  She is really trying to drive home the fact that she is now the victim, despite everything being her own doing - which at times, she seems refreshingly self aware of.  And then there's this nugget: "I won’t give you my reasons because it’s not what you deserve to hear, nothing justifies, not even that I overloaded from how much love I have for you."  She won't give you reasons because she doesn't think about the consequences of her actions.  In addition, this is a bit of a power play sentence.  I won't give you the reasons because you don't deserve to hear them.  Or said another way, I'm in control here, I'll tell you what you need to hear because I need to control the way you view me.  After all, she seems more concerned with the way you view her than actually apologizing to you for her actions.

And then we get to acceptance.  She has accepted her fate.  Purgatory.  I laughed at this a bit.  Of course she chose the temporary locale to bide her time while she waits for you to come back.  She's just going to remain in Paradise's waiting room while you come back around.  And to prove that to you, here's all this talk about how she can "really love you" next time.  Just look! " I failed at giving the person I love most the love they should’ve received, the love I wanted to give, the love I actually have."  

And there you have it.  One very well written, albeit hollow, "apology" letter.  And I hope you don't interpret anything negatively about my post.  You are brave for sharing something so personal and intimate.  And this is just my interpretation of what she wrote.  I received a similar sort of letter as have many others on these boards.  As I said, they all read the same.  To me, this is just another "oh crap, I screwed up" letter.  You mentioned that you've stood firm and told her you need to let her go.  Stick to that.  Let her go, she's not your responsibility anymore.  Best of luck.

[apollotech]

Actions and energies are consumed in relationship repair rather than in relationship development.

 

Thank you Apollotech!  You just gave me a piece of insight I struggled with for years!  Now I know why!   That makes so much sense, I complained about this, took proactive steps, but it was always one step fwd, two, three steps back.  A never ending regression. 

Wow I needed that!

Sunfl0wer,

You are very welcome. I am happy that you gained an insight from my meager ramblings. I completely (unfortunately!) understand the one step forward, two steps back analogy... .and accompanying frustration(s). I onetime told my BPDexgf that for every board that I nailed onto the house, she tore three off. Naturally, she looked at me like "I" was the crazy one.

[HappyNihilist]

Figuring, I'm sorry you're in such a painful, difficult situation.   Having to deal with infidelity and the end of a possible BPD relationship is devastating enough. And now to have a letter like this from your ex -- that can definitely be triggering, confusing, and hurtful.

It sounds like you're handling this with a lot of grace and compassion. It's good that your ex is seeking help. You're absolutely right that this is something she has to do for herself. She may get a little better, she may get a lot better, and she may not change at all. But as you know, that's completely out of your control.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and your well-being. 

It's interesting to me to see the same sorts of letters/e-mails get posted over and over again from different folks' partners.  I've been on this site for 3 or 4 months now and almost once a week someone posts something they received from their ex.  They all read like this one.  They're good.  They all play to our emotional sides. They all recall sentimental memories.  And for a moment, it looks like they've slid back into playing that role of the partner that we originally fell for.  We see them again, ever so briefly.  And we might think that they have come around or somehow realized that they screwed up and they are back to make amends.  Maybe if we try things again, it'll work this time, we start to think.  They seem to be saying all of the things we so desperately wanted them to say when things started to sour.

But then when you cut through the fluff, it's just more of the same.  It's all about them.  It's them testing the connection or reaching back out in desperation.  We are still just a means to an end.  Something to be used until the next shiny new thing comes along.  

It's so true. I've seen a lot of similar emails here, and I have emails like that from my own exBPDbf (from both during and after the relationship).

Borderlines are capable of very real periods of regret and pain, but it's usually less about the other person's feelings and more about themselves. Everything in the borderline's life is first and foremost about his/her own emotional needs and survival.

"I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending."

This is my real goal of this letter.  I am in pain because I cannot leave things with you thinking badly of me.  (I can however, leave with you thinking well of me.) I want to control the way you think of me.  I'm desperate to know that you don't think badly of me.  I need to be validated by someone for my self esteem needs. 

[Trog]

How appropriately histrionic.

Any interest in reconciling on your part?

Any on hers?

Pen in one hand while the one other is pleasuring herself. Ive never read such a masterbatery apology in my life. It's like she's revelling in it. Bluergh - anyone else feel dirty?

Sorry dude I know you love/d her and it hurts, my ex was similarly wordy and in the end it stopped being impressive and just covered the fact she couldn't be straight if her life depended on it

[1989]

She's describing the emptiness she feels.  She blew it and lost you and she knows it, and that has left her feeling "empty."  This is all about her and has very little to do with any feelings of remorse for what she has put YOU through.

I teared up when I read it, because she really is in pain, but she's only concerned about herself.

If you ignore the words, what have her actions shown you?  Judge the actions.  I wish I had.

[Trog]

She's describing the emptiness she feels.  She blew it and lost you and she knows it, and that has left her feeling "empty."  This is all about her and has very little to do with any feelings of remorse for what she has put YOU through.

I teared up when I read it, because she really is in pain, but she's only concerned about herself.

Ive been recycled 3 times. Ive responded to these crys for help large and small, the theatrics of 'my life is over im going to kill myself' i dropped everything and showed up and found her laughing with friends watching the TV and looking at me like I'm crazy for rushing round. Maybe she felt that way for an hour for one day - all BPD emotions are facts, beware reading too much into this, it's so expertly worded that I don't think she's actually in this raw pain.

Like everyone says, where are the actions? If you truly realised u screwes up and hurt someone and want to put it right... .Why not apologise and lay down what you'll do. This is for her. At that moment.

[Invictus01]

Dude,

Suppose all this is real and that's how she really feels. That's cool. BUT... .she needs therapy. YEARS of therapy. Even if it works in the end (well, to some extend at least), in that time frame, she will put you through such an insane emotional hell ride I doubt you will be able to survive it with her. Take a moment and check out some threads in the Staying section and what people put up with. It is up to you what you wanna do here, but think carefully. Very very carefully.

Good luck with whatever your decision ends up being.

[FlSunshineGirl]

This is not an apology letter. You deserve someone healthy who will be faithful to you and appreciate you. This letter is to stir up your emotions. To make you feel sorry for her, to see what pain you're causing her. She spent more time talking about her pain and her feelings than sincerely feeling bad for what she did to you and apologizing to you... .focusing on how you are feeling from her actions.

She can't tolerate that you see her in a bad light.

People with BPD use guilt and shame on us and will resort to anything to have us not leave them.

Actions speak louder than words. We all have to remember that. Most of us have given chance after chance for them to change to no avail.

My ex said all sorts of "no one loved me like you loved me" and "I'm so sorry I treated you badly" types of grand declarations when he thought he had lost me one time.

So many promises of change and working on himself and getting better. All empty promises.

I'm at 45 days NC (from me, he broke NC and contacted me today by email but I'm not responding) and it is the only way for us all to truly heal.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Be strong! Hugs!

[Compassion14]

Hi Figuring it out,

Thank you for sharing your letter.

I concur with everything said advising you not to invest in this and to acknowledge the total bias towards her pain and not yours throughout.

My gut reaction, and the sentence the jumps out screaming at me is;

"I missed my chance and am now left knowing that I can love you exactly how you deserve but that you’ll never believe me again, never entrust yourself with me. This is my punishment, my personal purgatory."

KNOWING THAT I CAN LOVE YOU EXACTLY HOW YOU DESERVE.

This makes me angry, for you. To be translated to; I have the love you need. I could make you happy. You are deserting me at MY hour of need and I need to torture and temp you back, for ME, for ME, for ME. This is quite simply untrue and utterly cruel.

The fact is, your ex, like mine, was and is entirely incapable of loving you , or anyone else, properly, let alone 'exactly how you deserve.' Please do not be manipulated back into this rollercoaster of negative emotion.

You deserve love, absolutely. You deserve to loved 'exactly as you deserve it' - totally - but from someone that mentally can. She can not.

Stay strong and safe guard that precious beating heart in your chest. One day it will stop - don't give the best of it to someone unable to function on the most basic of emotional levels.

C14 x