Explaining it to their families, especially the replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just curious about this one. We know that its common for the pwBPD to wage a distortion campaign after splitting and a breakup to the extent that any kind of nonsense or creativity with facts can be used to justify their actions to others close to them. Family's that are co-dependent in nature will just accept their behavior without challenge as will their friends and move on concluding that the pwBPD was the victim and the Non was twisted, evil, the source of all of their problems and mentally ill (mines son is referring to me as psycho - I got a chuckle out of that one).

However, to some of their friends that are able to read between the lines or think critically on the matter, especially when the behavior had repeated itself through different relationships or when a replacement appears immediately, I am curious how they justify or explain their behavior to their friends and family. For example it used to be that a woman who went from man to man was a slut or a whore. Or mine where each and every r/s she had terminated under murky circumstances always claiming to be the victim of some vague infraction(s).

I know that if I did what my exBPD fiance did, my family would gang pile on me until I did the right thing at at least spoke with the person that I intended to break up with if not force me to go back and act like an adult. My friends would lose respect for me and probably be less likely to continue their relationships with me.

Anyone have any experience with this?

[JRT]

Just curious about this one. We know that its common for the pwBPD to wage a distortion campaign after splitting and a breakup to the extent that any kind of nonsense or creativity with facts can be used to justify their actions to others close to them. Family's that are co-dependent in nature will just accept their behavior without challenge as will their friends and move on concluding that the pwBPD was the victim and the Non was twisted, evil, the source of all of their problems and mentally ill (mines son is referring to me as psycho - I got a chuckle out of that one).

However, to some of their friends that are able to read between the lines or think critically on the matter, especially when the behavior had repeated itself through different relationships or when a replacement appears immediately, I am curious how they justify or explain their behavior to their friends and family. For example it used to be that a woman who went from man to man was a slut or a whore. Or mine where each and every r/s she had terminated under murky circumstances always claiming to be the victim of some vague infraction(s).

I know that if I did what my exBPD fiance did, my family would gang pile on me until I did the right thing at at least spoke with the person that I intended to break up with if not force me to go back and act like an adult. My friends would lose respect for me and probably be less likely to continue their relationships with me.

Anyone have any experience with this?

[Maternus]

That's a good question. I think mine started to speak bad of me behind my back long before she broke up. They tell everyone what they told us, when we met them. They are or were in an abusive relationship, they are victims of their partners or exes a.s.o.

[Deeno02]

No experience as I have not seen a soul in almost 7 months. But you just have to wonder how they explain how you are with a guy one week (after a 16 month r/s) and then with a new one the following week. I cant even imagine how one would explain that. Especially to her kids, where one week Im playing ball and watching movies with them, and then poof, week later, a new guy. Its mind boggling and I dont get it. Dont they realize how stupid this makes them look?

[JRT]

No experience as I have not seen a soul in almost 7 months. But you just have to wonder how they explain how you are with a guy one week (after a 16 month r/s) and then with a new one the following week. I cant even imagine how one would explain that. Especially to her kids, where one week Im playing ball and watching movies with them, and then poof, week later, a new guy. Its mind boggling and I dont get it. Dont they realize how stupid this makes them look?

The really sad thing here is that the children learn the behavior as being normal and then go on to do the same thing as adults guaranteeing that they will never learn proper conflict resolution and interpersonal skills thus robbing them of successful relationships in their own lives. Children learn what they see.

[Deeno02]

No experience as I have not seen a soul in almost 7 months. But you just have to wonder how they explain how you are with a guy one week (after a 16 month r/s) and then with a new one the following week. I cant even imagine how one would explain that. Especially to her kids, where one week Im playing ball and watching movies with them, and then poof, week later, a new guy. Its mind boggling and I dont get it. Dont they realize how stupid this makes them look?

The really sad thing here is that the children learn the behavior as being normal and then go on to do the same thing as adults guaranteeing that they will never learn proper conflict resolution and interpersonal skills thus robbing them of successful relationships in their own lives. Children learn what they see.

Yep. Already happening. Her oldest moved out of the house(which is in foreclosure) to live with his dad because of what happened and he hates the new guy. I know this because our sons are friends and mine came to me to let me know because I cared for those kids like my own. It saddened me to know, but I wasnt surprised.

[HappyNihilist]

My exBPDbf has 20+ years of failed marriages, engagements, and long-term relationships (with no time in between, and often overlap). During all of these serious relationships, he maintains countless sexual affairs and has a lot of one-night stands. His friends, coworkers, etc., mostly wave it off as "a lot of men are just like that."

I think there's definitely a societal tendency for women to be judged more harshly for such behavior than men.

Perhaps that's why female borderlines seem to play up the "victim" side more? They feel the need to justify and defend their behavior, since it's not as acceptable for them as it would be for a man, and nothing absolves quite like victimhood.

My ex is a likable guy, and I don't blame people in his life for liking him despite his behavior. I'm glad there are people who care about him, because we all need that. I'm sure that he needs fewer enablers (myself included), but since it's not in his best interest to be surrounded by non-enablers, then I doubt that will actually happen unless he hits absolute rock bottom.

[Mutt]

I found some of my ex partners family members had self involved attitudes and showed little empathy for others and I believe her family system is a covert narcissistic family Her family appeared normal although I felt there was something "off". For example her mother drew attention, lack of clear boundaries and family secrets. You may find answers in this workshop on covert and overtly narcissistic families.

[hope2727]

The really sad thing here is that the children learn the behavior as being normal and then go on to do the same thing as adults guaranteeing that they will never learn proper conflict resolution and interpersonal skills thus robbing them of successful relationships in their own lives. Children learn what they see.

Yup mine saw his mom do that is now he is emulating the pattern. So sad.

I on the other hand saw my mom endure my likely uBPD father for 30+ years so I then went on to do much the same. Sad indeed. Now how on earth do we become better than the sum of our upbringings?

As for other people. I would hope they might take the pattern of behaviour with a grain of salt. I would hope they would realize that we tried our best and just couldn't take any more abuse. I don't think it is what they will  do but I can hope.

[JRT]

I found some of my ex partners family members had self involved attitudes and showed little empathy for others and I believe her family system is a covert narcissistic family Her family appeared normal although I felt there was something "off". For example her mother drew attention, lack of clear boundaries and family secrets. You may find answers in this workshop on covert and overtly narcissistic families.

I had an opportunity to speak to her father (the source of all this mess to begin with). Among other things, I discussed his entire extended family joining her in cutting me off (including unfriending me on FB) to which he explained it as indicative of 'unity'... .'Unity'? I almost wanted to scream! How about enabling? No wonder his children are a mess.

[Hostage1234]

We'll not really they tell people you guys broke up way before they do it.i remember my ex said she can't have calls anymore at work and the best her family said to me was at least she did not leave you when you did not have a good job

[Turkish]

I know that I have sympathy from her family, especially her mom. But blood is thicker than water.

[blackrazor]

I Think my ex's father and brother actually were more on my side even though they only knew me for a few months! I'm not sure what things she said to them, I think perhaps she didn't say much bad stuff. I had seen both of them get raged at so maybe they knew the behaviour a bit... .

[JRT]

I think that my ex's is, especially now after the fourth serious relationship that has failed for her, that something is wrong with her. Her dad recognized that I was not the one that was at fault but he doesn't otherwise see any moral incursion or sympathize with the destruction and pain she had caused. Blows my mind that it just isn't under consideration at all. It goes to figure as the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... .

But MAN; I would give a lot to figure out what the smear campaign was comprised of.

[raisins3142]

Mine does not talk to anyone in an emotionally genuine way.  Even when crying and needing support, she is scheming on some level and massaging the truth/lying.  This is also why she is such a private person.  She controls everyone's opinion of her, so she thinks.

So, it is simple with her.  She just lies and gets sympathy.  Most of her friends/family are either not very smart, naive, or themselves disordered and they have a sort of pact to not call each other out on their BS.  Her 2 best friends have a "no judgement" policy where they never judge anything the other one does or ever say anything negative.  I can't imagine a friendship like that with zero accountability or ability to get honest feedback in order to grow.  Both of those besties are also cluster b.  No wonder they found each other.

[Tim300]

For my pwBPD the only other person who was genuinely close with her was her mother, who also suffers from BPD and openly takes the life approach that "It's a dog-eat-dog world."

In any event, the most constructive conclusion I can reach about enablers is that I won't be one.  I now recognize that I have at least a couple acquaintances who have PDs, including a female friend from grad school 10 years ago who I knew was a bit off and now recognize is almost certainly a pwBPD.  With my new-found knowledge about PDs I can now much better spot these traits and realize that the behavior is not "just a little weird" but it something more serious.  I will see through it and will not enable it.   

[Infared]

JRT... .My exes families (her parents were divorced), really liked me ... .(except the evil stepmother!  )... .I am sure that she just told a TON of lies to all of those people to manipulate them to accept her new toy... .my replacement. Blood is thicker than water and she had done this many times before... .so... .she had it down. She only had two friends... .one of them had serious issues and the one that didn't called our home 6 months later and asked for my ex.?  We went to their wedding and she had never even talked to her for 6 months? My exBPD a was unable to have real friendships... .All of her energy is consumed in her primary relationship. All that she needed was this guy in her life to control and tightly attach to. Out with the old... .in with the new... .simple as that. No remorse. No guilt. Nothing.  She had to have been totally hooked up with him when she ran off... .as I know that she would NEVER have the strength to end a relationship with decency and respect and strike out on her own.  That would be far to scary for her.  That was how I was sure she was cheating on me... .she just abruptly announced that she was leaving and there was just NO WAY that she could do that, and I knew it... .she just replaced me and had this guy in her life right away... like a new purse or something... .it was devastating.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through all that... .MAN! Ouch!

Mine has a tendency to not go after a replacement, at least not a romantic partner as her dysfunctional son is her supply. So there is no need for her to explain that part of things. But her family, friends and coworkers were highly approving of me and she told me so regularly. In her 45 years, she has had a sum total of 4 relationships, all of which failed under vague circumstances (including a marriage to a man that was her best friend of 10 years... .the marriage to him lasted 8 months).

I believe that by now, her inner circle is beginning to believe that there might be a little something wrong with her (including her GF's who she also splits, cuts off and paints black only to have them painted white at some point). I know that when I spoke to her father a couple of times, that he squarely acknowledged that this is her malady and that I was an excellent partner to her. Yet, all of these folks ended up going with her distortion campaign like sheeple; they unfriended me on FB, one had a crazy IM convo with me (claiming among other things that I ':)id not care' after she dumped me and cut me off) and otherwise refused to speak with me. I almost exploded when her Dad pointed out that this was a sing of 'family unity'.

The turd doesn't drop too far from the tree and it doesn't roll either!

[Infared]

Sorry to hear that you are going through all that... .MAN! Ouch!

Mine has a tendency to not go after a replacement, at least not a romantic partner as her dysfunctional son is her supply. So there is no need for her to explain that part of things. But her family, friends and coworkers were highly approving of me and she told me so regularly. In her 45 years, she has had a sum total of 4 relationships, all of which failed under vague circumstances (including a marriage to a man that was her best friend of 10 years... .the marriage to him lasted 8 months).

I believe that by now, her inner circle is beginning to believe that there might be a little something wrong with her (including her GF's who she also splits, cuts off and paints black only to have them painted white at some point). I know that when I spoke to her father a couple of times, that he squarely acknowledged that this is her malady and that I was an excellent partner to her. Yet, all of these folks ended up going with her distortion campaign like sheeple; they unfriended me on FB, one had a crazy IM convo with me (claiming among other things that I ':)id not care' after she dumped me and cut me off) and otherwise refused to speak with me. I almost exploded when her Dad pointed out that this was a sing of 'family unity'.

The turd doesn't drop too far from the tree and it doesn't roll either!

Just to clarify, this is not happening to me now... this all happened a few years ago... .I was in a lot of pain and the relationship never made any sense... .So I never knew about BPD until I found this website. It has been so incredible for me to understand what went down back then... .I suffered terribly... .I did not know that she was mentally ill.

My exes Mom reached out to me when my Mom died... .it really meant a lot to me as I had really, really liked her Mom. It was validating... .

Thank God I don't do Fakebook... .I could never deal with that cruel tool being used on me by a BPD.  Everyone on this site suffers with that addiction. It's gruesome!

[mitatsu]

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree... .save your breath 

[ADecadeLost]

My dBPD ex-wife's family was well aware of her PD, so even if she wanted to bad mouth me (which she doesn't), it is unlikely she could do much damage.  A few years ago, her mother even told me that she believed it was going to take me leaving for her to truly take her therapy seriously.  Not what I wanted to here from my mother-in-law at the time, but in retrospect she may have had a point.

[mitatsu]

I got ... 'most men would of walked out by now' from my M.I.L so i reached out to her for help with the last episode... .and got blanked... .hmm passed down ya say?