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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: She will never come back, will she?  (Read 4891 times)
Reecer1588
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« on: March 14, 2015, 04:03:35 PM »

Hey guys.

I screwed up again. I unblocked her on facebook. Sure enough, there's a picture of her I haven't seen, it's public.

She's at a rodeo with some of her friends. She's smiling.

I wish I could be like her. I wish I could just not care.

I want her to text me. It's now been a month and a half.

Why won't she text me?

At this point, I don't think she'll ever text me again.

She doesn't have a replacement, I guess she's just happy doing what she's doing.

God I just wish I could not care like she does.

She's never coming back, never contacting me again, is she?

I just don't understand it. Why doesn't she love me anymore? Why doesn't she care? How could she have said all those hurtful things to me then drop me like yesterday's garbage when just a few nights before, she still told me that she loved me?

Why could she just get rid of me without anyone else there?

Why won't she ever come back to me.

As for me, all I ever feel like now is like I want to cry, scream, and shout, and yet, I can not shed any tears. No tears ever come out, I want to cry so much, but it's like I can't.

I feel like I have no control over my emotions any more.

I feel like without her like this, I just don't know what to do.

HOW CAN SHE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?

And guys: I want her back. What do I do to get her back? I need there to be hope. I would do whatever it takes
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2015, 04:24:57 PM »

Guys here is the real question:

How can she move on from me so quickly? How can she be happy again so quickly?

With no replacement?
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Technique
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 04:30:49 PM »

The only chance you have of ever getting her back, although I'm puzzled why, considering what you have posted about her and your relationship, is to move on. Find happiness away from this woman. There is no way she will return while you're stuck in this pattern. Go out with your friends, read some books. Take up some new hobbies. Add value to yourself. We're all victims of allowing people to treat us like dirt. You need to pull your socks up and get on with life.

Do you believe she's sitting there worried about you?

It takes courage.

Focus your energy on that and not the chances of her coming back.
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dobie
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2015, 04:31:44 PM »

First off Facebook is FAKE a picture means nothing in terms of real inner peace .

Second BPD or not she probably like my x detached from you a while back so while you and I are blindsided they were at best conflicted if not detached long before they left us bro .

Thirdly the reason you are hurting is because you are . Your human you loved and cared about her you don't have a PD you are normal this women broke your heart .

Stay strong bro
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2015, 04:33:50 PM »

Excerpt
HOW CAN SHE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?

By 'modifying' the facts to fit her feelings, cognitive distortion, and by projecting all her sht on you so you're a scumbag; these are coping tools used by someone with a mental illness.  If she was to accept reality and responsibility for her actions, she'd melt into a puddle of shame and could absolutely not tolerate it.  They are survival tools.  Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

Excerpt
God I just wish I could not care like she does.

No you don't.  I know where you're coming from, you're hurting, but if the option is to have a mental illness that is a hell of earth, it's best to pick temporary hurting that leads to profound growth.  Much better.

Excerpt
I just don't understand it. Why doesn't she love me anymore? Why doesn't she care? How could she have said all those hurtful things to me then drop me like yesterday's garbage when just a few nights before, she still told me that she loved me?

Why could she just get rid of me without anyone else there?

So instead of stalking her on Facebook, use the time to read the articles on this site and wherever else so you understand the disorder and why she does what she does; that is the path to detachment, what you're doing now is just prolonging your pain and is self-imposed.

Excerpt
I feel like I have no control over my emotions any more.

And that will change, you'll get your power back, but you need to follow direction and work through the process.  I may sound harsh but I'm just telling you the truth.  Take care of you!

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2015, 04:40:13 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?
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JPH
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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2015, 04:43:50 PM »

If she suffers from BPD, then she is disordered. You're looking to find order in disorder. Ain't gonna happen. Based on my relationship with a BPD and an NPD, it seems to me that neither really developed substantive emotional connections with me. Though the dynamics of each disorder and my relationships with each were different, that's one of the main similarities between the two. They don't ever become invested emotionally like healthy people. That's why it's seemingly so easy for them to walk away.

Regarding whether she'll ever contact you again, here's my experience. Odds are she will. They seem to pop up just as you've turned the corner from their toxicity toward a healthier, happier life. I can't guarantee that she will, but mine certainly did when I finally reached a point in my healing where I wanted nothing to do with her.

You should seriously think about what you really want and what you'll do if she does contact you. Do you want to sign up for more of the emotional agony and confusing you're now enduring? Because I guarantee you'll get more of the same.

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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2015, 05:01:23 PM »

No, you re not crazy.     Your head is just trying to make sense of what your Heart is feeling.   Many of us have been threw the same place you have.   I would say at a month and a half for me personally post exBpd and NC was about the most difficult time I went through.   

I would advise you to deactivate you FB account, call up an old buddy you havent talked to in a long time, go somewhere you always wanted to go, start that diet or workout program you ve been thinking about,  get back into church or whatever you believe in, and use these boards and see a therapist if you need to.      I know you are hurting now and it is real because your love for this person was real.    Unfortunately hers was not and it takes time to make your heart realize it.     As far as FB goes avoid, some of the most screwed up and desperate people are on there smiling and laughing and posting selfies every five seconds to see just who will play along and believe any of it.     
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JPH
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« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2015, 05:07:42 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

I absolutely have. And, no, you're not crazy. A relationship with a personality disordered individual will make you feel crazy though. I've seen this phenomenon referred to as having "fleas." As in, "When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

The more information you absorb, and with each day of no contact, the more you'll see more of your old self returning. It's kinda like going through detox.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2015, 05:13:45 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

I absolutely have. And, no, you're not crazy. A relationship with a personality disordered individual will make you feel crazy though. I've seen this phenomenon referred to as having "fleas." As in, "When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

The more information you absorb, and with each day of no contact, the more you'll see more of your old self returning. It's kinda like going through detox.

You know, the thing is JPH, I'm really hoping she really isn't borderline. She was my first ever real girlfriend. Maybe I really deserved all the things that she did to me.

Because if she isn't borderline, than there's still hope.

But if I'm right, and if all the people I've talked to on here who find major similarities with

My story, and also think she's borderline, and the social psych major I talked to for four hours who said "90% she's borderline"

Than I guess there's slim to no hope.

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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2015, 05:15:28 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

Try still seven months out after a 9.5 yr relationship and my uBPDexgf has most likely got a replacement. Actually found them before she ended us. Your pain is fresh. It seems like forever. My pain isn't as fresh but it still feels like forever. So no you're not crazy. You're Just someone who got pain unexpectedly from the last person you expected the pain to be from.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2015, 05:21:38 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. I feel like I don't strongly belong here with my story, because she didn't find a replacement. She didn't have anyone else to suck the life from. It makes me question whether she's really borderline or not at all.  She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. She was able to trash me, send blackmail to my mom, threaten a harassment suit on me, all the while not having another source.

She's perfectly happy alone. With her obsession with horses, her equine friends, and her new found love for God.

That's what makes me think she really will never contact me again.

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2015, 05:22:48 PM »

Sorry youre going through this painful time. You definately don't deserve it. Fromheeltoh gives some great words of wisdom. Lots of us have been in your situation and unfortunately many people continue to go round and round this crazy cycle of wanting them back and then being miserable when our SO are back. Even if it's not BPD, it doesn't sound like she has the same kind of mature adult love for you that you have for her. I found this article really helpful in giving me a reality check when i need it : www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

I hope you can fill your time with healthy stuff and try to move on. Avoiding social media completely for a while is also a good idea.  
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« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2015, 05:26:44 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. In my case, she hasn't found a replacement. She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. And yet, she's perfectly happy alone.

Did she tell you she was perfectly happy alone? If not then you are projecting onto her what you think she is going through. You don't know unless she tells you that. And even then she may tell you that just to manipulate you. Imagining what her life is will kill you. I know because I have put myself there and it is pretty hard on me emotionally. When a thought like "she's perfectly happy" pops into you head, just replace it with I have no idea what she is really feeling.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2015, 05:27:36 PM »

Excerpt
Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

I felt that way for 3 or 4 months after I left her, and that was with zero Facebook or any other kind of contact.  The sooner you cut the cord and get on with healing, the sooner you will detach.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2015, 05:35:35 PM »

Having read my story (IF you have), would it be safe to assume that my exgf was borderline?

I understand that no one but a mental health professional could diagnose her.

It would just really make me feel better if I knew my story did indicate that she was borderline.

Again... .the whole lack of a replacement thing... .that really doesn't make sense to me. Seems like every story I read on here there ex quickly got a replacement.

And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.
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misty_red
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« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2015, 05:43:39 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. I feel like I don't strongly belong here with my story, because she didn't find a replacement. She didn't have anyone else to suck the life from. It makes me question whether she's really borderline or not at all.  She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. She was able to trash me, send blackmail to my mom, threaten a harassment suit on me, all the while not having another source.

She's perfectly happy alone. With her obsession with horses, her equine friends, and her new found love for God.

That's what makes me think she really will never contact me again.

My exBPDgf is like that as well. She's a hermit.

I don't think that they are really happy when being alone. I just think their replacements for us aren't people but hobbies, obejcts, projects, work, whatever. My exBPDgf never was very eager to go out, make friends or find possible love interests. When she got together with someone it just happened because there was an easy opportunity. The only reason she hangs out with people is to get insanely drunk and even then she prefers getting drunk all on her own at home.

We met in a sports club, her ex-boyfriend before me she met as well there. She's not on dating sites, not even on FB, has even deleted her WhatsApp-account now. She's not eager to find anyone. If it happens it happens. She doesn't really want to have a relationship but if she falls for someone, well, you know what I mean... .head over heals, honeymoon blabla. And that's the reason she doesn't really try. She told me so. And for once I believe her. She once said to me "I don't want to meet new people or date. At least then I'm safe that something like this [our break up and the turmoil after it] doesn't happen again."
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2015, 05:45:32 PM »

Hi, I dont think anyone can really say if your ex is BPD, it sounds like she is  either dysfunctional when it comes to relationships, immature (which is understandable given you are both young) or just not as in love with you as either of you thought. It really doesn't matter. It doesn't change the fact that she is treating you badly and you deserve better. If you really can't get over her then you could try a short course of therapy.

Misty red is right, not all BPDs find replacements straight away.


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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2015, 05:49:31 PM »

Excerpt
Having read my story (IF you have), would it be safe to assume that my exgf was borderline?

I understand that no one but a mental health professional could diagnose her.

It would just really make me feel better if I knew my story did indicate that she was borderline.

Again... .the whole lack of a replacement thing... .that really doesn't make sense to me. Seems like every story I read on here there ex quickly got a replacement.

I haven't read your story Reecer, but in the end all that matters is how she made you feel.  It's natural, when we are in pain and looking for answers, to dig into things that just don't seem right, and that digging led us here, where we read story after story that we could have written, the similarities are uncanny, which can make us feel better in it's own right, we're not alone, and then learning about personality disorders can help us make sense of it all.  Although remember, everyone's different and the traits of the disorder are on a continuum, there are no hard and fast rules, but again, in the end all that matters is how you feel.  What if there are only two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down and the secret to life is removing the ones who bring us down and adding the ones who bring us up; which side of that fence is your ex on?  Not who you want her to be, but who she is?  Act accordingly.

Excerpt
And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.

That's actually the good news.  I met my ex much later in life; you get to learn these lessons young, and once you do your life will be free of people with personality disorders because your radar will be finely tuned.  How cool is that?  I wish I'd gotten these lessons at a much younger age, consider yourself fortunate.
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« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2015, 05:52:15 PM »

Maybe I really deserved all the things that she did to me.

You're being way too hard on yourself. Does anyone deserve abuse and manipulation?
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2015, 05:53:02 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. I feel like I don't strongly belong here with my story, because she didn't find a replacement. She didn't have anyone else to suck the life from. It makes me question whether she's really borderline or not at all.  She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. She was able to trash me, send blackmail to my mom, threaten a harassment suit on me, all the while not having another source.

She's perfectly happy alone. With her obsession with horses, her equine friends, and her new found love for God.

That's what makes me think she really will never contact me again.

My exBPDgf is like that as well. She's a hermit.

I don't think that they are really happy when being alone. I just think their replacements for us aren't people but hobbies, obejcts, projects, work, whatever. My exBPDgf never was very eager to go out, make friends or find possible love interests. When she got together with someone it just happened because there was an easy opportunity. The only reason she hangs out with people is to get insanely drunk and even then she prefers getting drunk all on her own at home.

We met in a sports club, her ex-boyfriend before me she met as well there. She's not on dating sites, not even on FB, has even deleted her WhatsApp-account now. She's not eager to find anyone. If it happens it happens. She doesn't really want to have a relationship but if she falls for someone, well, you know what I mean... .head over heals, honeymoon blabla. And that's the reason she doesn't really try. She told me so. And for once I believe her. She once said to me "I don't want to meet new people or date. At least then I'm safe that something like this [our break up and the turmoil after it] doesn't happen again."

That's actually really enlightening. Yeah, actually I have pretty much identified my ex as a BPD Hermit (predominately), of course I saw the witch in her at times, and especially at the end. It's funny, she was never this involved with the equine scene at her school while we were dating, she never was involved with the Church scene while we were dating either, it would seem to me that this is sort of her 'replacement'. And all the equine people she is around are girls. She doesn't really even know how to socialize, I remember having her just ONE TIME at a party at my house, surrounded by nice people, friends. Yeah she hated it the whole time except for when I was right next to her. She told me so.

For me, it really would seem to me like she's kind of scared of people, scared of social situations.

    I know that waifs/queens and witches might try to recycle, but for me, it really does feel like she'll never text me again. Sigh.
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« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2015, 05:55:28 PM »

I've gone through the same feelings you have. It's hard to have someone say she loves you them turn around and hurt you as much as possible. I tried so hard at first to reconnect and rebuild a relationship. I went No Contact 3 weeks ago and while it's really hard at first it really is for the best.

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2015, 05:58:19 PM »

Maybe I really deserved all the things that she did to me.

You're being way too hard on yourself. Does anyone deserve abuse and manipulation?

'

No. No one does. God the worse things she did: silent treatment, withholding affection/not letting me show affection to her, and PASSIVE AGGRESSION.

And you know what's worse? She told me that she wanted me to be able to approach her with anything.

And so I told her everything.

So she trashed me and left me.
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« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2015, 05:59:34 PM »

I've gone through the same feelings you have. It's hard to have someone say she loves you them turn around and hurt you as much as possible. I tried so hard at first to reconnect and rebuild a relationship. I went No Contact 3 weeks ago and while it's really hard at first it really is for the best.

I completely understand that I can not contact her first. Luckily, for over a month now, I haven't. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't wish she would sometime text me first.

But I'm starting to lose hope that she will.
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« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2015, 06:13:52 PM »

whether she is  a BPD or not this gal doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't dig you. because it has been one and a half month she didn't try to contact you. the question is why do you want  be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? why do you care about someone that doesn't care about you. if this girl really wants you and love you she would rob a bank for you. it is time to see the big picture and move on. you are the owner of your happiness not her.
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« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2015, 06:17:50 PM »

Reecer,

There a lot of reasons why women break up with men.  It doesn't always have to be about the disorder.  Attraction is a fickle beast.  If a woman loses it for a period of time, we're dead meat.  Think back to the man you were when you first met her.  I'd imagine there's a significant difference between who you were then, at the end, and right now.

For me, this was all about getting back to the man I was when I met her and the man wanted to be.  For many here, the grieving is as much about the loss of ourselves as it is the loss of a partner.  Focus your energy here.  Working out etc is often recommended here.  It's one of those things that keeps you moving forward.  Since you're in school, I'd encourage you to throw yourself into your studies.  Women love a guy with direction and passion.  School can certainly be a nice outlet for that sort of thing.

These early relationships are transformative.  Know that you are very young, and that this relationship at this time in your life was highly unlikely to last.      
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« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2015, 08:04:47 PM »

A bit of advice, for the OP, after encountering the numerous posts of desperation:

1 - Dude, you are 19 years old.  You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you.  Wasting it by spinning your wheels over a BPD ex who has basically castrated you emotionally - it sucks, but take it as a sign that you need to look at yourself and see why you are obsessed with this girl.  From reading all of your posts, I get the vibe that you seem to be a bit more than just heartbroken, like most of the non's who find their way here.  It's one thing to feel stunned, heartbroken and even angry. But if you go over the top, it's the non equivalent of a BPD crazed behavior.

2-  Understand: you have ZERO control now, once she painted you black.  Your only option - you HAVE to go NC and let go.  

That means no facebook.  No social media.  No texts.  Nothing. Do it.  yesterday.  I've been off all social media since last September.  i had to do it.

3 - Forget about getting her back.  It NEVER works.  I would sell my soul to get back with my ex, even though she treated me like crap.  But I am also realistic and I have found self-worth in myself.  i am not a doormat.  i am not someone who will be controlled, manipulated and lied to anymore. I've had it!  It took time to get to this stage.  But I did it - without anyone's help, other than this forum, and my own self-realization.

Cut all ties. So you can start to heal. It will hurt like heck, but take it from me: better to get started now than to delay and make things much more painful.

4 - You do not really know this woman / girl.  She is not who you think she is.  Fact.
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« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2015, 08:07:54 PM »

whether she is  a BPD or not this gal doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't dig you. because it has been one and a half month she didn't try to contact you. the question is why do you want  be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? why do you care about someone that doesn't care about you. if this girl really wants you and love you she would rob a bank for you. it is time to see the big picture and move on. you are the owner of your happiness not her.

It's hard to understand, because she digged me so much for so long. She only stopped "digging" me when I  slightly stopped being a complete doormat
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2015, 08:11:12 PM »

whether she is  a BPD or not this gal doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't dig you. because it has been one and a half month she didn't try to contact you. the question is why do you want  be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? why do you care about someone that doesn't care about you. if this girl really wants you and love you she would rob a bank for you. it is time to see the big picture and move on. you are the owner of your happiness not her.

It's hard to understand, because she digged me so much for so long. She only stopped "digging" me when I  slightly stopped being a complete doormat

Don't know if you are in college or not, but if you are most universities have free or low cost counseling services for their students. Maybe you should make an appointment and go speak to a counselor. Most of them at that level have a lot of experience dealing with college-aged adults who experience breakups. They could be a big help to you to get yourself back on track.

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« Reply #29 on: March 14, 2015, 08:24:22 PM »

A bit of advice, for the OP, after encountering the numerous posts of desperation:

1 - Dude, you are 19 years old.  You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you.  Wasting it by spinning your wheels over a BPD ex who has basically castrated you emotionally - it sucks, but take it as a sign that you need to look at yourself and see why you are obsessed with this girl.  From reading all of your posts, I get the vibe that you seem to be a bit more than just heartbroken, like most of the non's who find their way here.  It's one thing to feel stunned, heartbroken and even angry. But if you go over the top, it's the non equivalent of a BPD crazed behavior.

I definitely am more than heartbroken. I am willing to admit that. I am a gambling addict, I quit all gambling on October 9th, 2014. Only after I self-blocked myself from all gambling sites did I finally stop. I have a problem with "obsession."

I'm also Codependent, when my ex and I were fighting, she said all the things that I had told her never to call me. For example, she called me "clingy."

What's interesting, is that I actually broke up with my ex first back in November. When I was in the relationship, I wasn't happy most of the time. I got tired of all the passive aggression (which I told her), got tired of the constant texting. My whole family told me that I seemed closed off when I was with her. I think what hurts the most is that realization that she doesn't want my any more

Honestly, most of them time, when I write these "desperation" posts, It's because that day I unblocked her on facebook... .Saw a new picture of her (like I did today), and I regress emotionally.

It is starting to dawn on me that I can not see anything of hers. No new pictures, no nothing.

I didn't realize before, but strict NC goes beyond actual contact with her.

Don't know if you are in college or not, but if you are most universities have free or low cost counseling services for their students. Maybe you should make an appointment and go speak to a counselor. Most of them at that level have a lot of experience dealing with college-aged adults who experience breakups. They could be a big help to you to get yourself back on track.


I've talked with one of the counselors (a licensed therapist) 3 times, and I plan on making another appointment now.  

   Every time I talk with her though, it's just the same thing " You need to find your own happiness, and you need to stop looking at her stuff online."

Which is the truth, I know.
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« Reply #30 on: March 14, 2015, 08:39:26 PM »

A bit of advice, for the OP, after encountering the numerous posts of desperation:

1 - Dude, you are 19 years old.  You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you.  Wasting it by spinning your wheels over a BPD ex who has basically castrated you emotionally - it sucks, but take it as a sign that you need to look at yourself and see why you are obsessed with this girl.  From reading all of your posts, I get the vibe that you seem to be a bit more than just heartbroken, like most of the non's who find their way here.  It's one thing to feel stunned, heartbroken and even angry. But if you go over the top, it's the non equivalent of a BPD crazed behavior.

I definitely am more than heartbroken. I am willing to admit that. I am a gambling addict, I quit all gambling on October 9th, 2014. Only after I self-blocked myself from all gambling sites did I finally stop. I have a problem with "obsession."

I'm also Codependent, when my ex and I were fighting, she said all the things that I had told her never to call me. For example, she called me "clingy."

What's interesting, is that I actually broke up with my ex first back in November. When I was in the relationship, I wasn't happy most of the time. I got tired of all the passive aggression (which I told her), got tired of the constant texting. My whole family told me that I seemed closed off when I was with her. I think what hurts the most is that

Honestly, most of them time, when I write these "desperation" posts, It's because that day I unblocked her on facebook... .Saw a new picture of her (like I did today), and I regress emotionally.

It is starting to dawn on me that I can not see anything of hers. No new pictures, no nothing.

I didn't realize before, but strict NC goes beyond actual contact with her.

Don't know if you are in college or not, but if you are most universities have free or low cost counseling services for their students. Maybe you should make an appointment and go speak to a counselor. Most of them at that level have a lot of experience dealing with college-aged adults who experience breakups. They could be a big help to you to get yourself back on track.


I've talked with one of the counselors (a licensed therapist) 3 times, and I plan on making another appointment now. 

    Every time I talk with her though, it's just the same thing " You need to find your own happiness, and you need to stop looking at her stuff online."

Which is the truth, I know.

Reece, you can always speak to a different counselor if you don't feel it's helping with the one you've seen. It seems like you intellectually know these things about yourself and what to do. Here comes one of those stories, BUT, when I was your age everything seemed to be one extreme to the other. The best, the worst, etc. I had a b/u at the time that I thought would kill me. Many, many years later I rarely even think of that person. So time goes on, and your feelings will change. And if she was stifling you while you were in the relationship, and you ended it originally, then maybe what you really miss is a relationship and not her. I never felt that way about my uBPDexgf, and we knew one another 10 yearss. But that's just me.
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« Reply #31 on: March 14, 2015, 08:41:36 PM »

And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.

My nonBPD-ex-wife broke up with me, when we both were 19. She came back after some weeks and our relationship lasts over more than 20 years without any other recycles. When I asked her (after our divorce) why she broke up with me when we were 19, she answered, that she had the feeling to miss something in her life, she felt too young for the kind of relationship we had. She had a fear of engulfment - but it was not BPD, it was just the emotional immaturity of a teenager. She did not replace me with another guy, she just needed some space and her own freedom for a while. This is not a PD, this is normal when you are young and try to find out who you are and who you want to be with for the rest of your life.  
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« Reply #32 on: March 14, 2015, 08:48:21 PM »

And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.

My nonBPD-ex-wife broke up with me, when we both were 19. She came back after some weeks and our relationship lasts over more than 20 years without any other recycles. When I asked her (after our divorce) why she broke up with me when we were 19, she answered, that she had the feeling to miss something in her life, she felt too young for the kind of relationship we had. She had a fear of engulfment - but it was not BPD, it was just the emotional immaturity of a teenager. She did not replace me with another guy, she just needed some space and her own freedom for a while. This is not a PD, this is normal when you are young and try to find out who you are and who you want to be with for the rest of your life.  

Maybe in a few months, a few years, my ex will contact me. I sure hope she does. I definitely need to stop waiting on it though, and living my life.

By the way, I didn't suspect my ex was BPD at all until I had my first (and very brief) meaningful conversation a few weeks ago with her mother. When her mother so rudely cut me off over the phone with just "Reece, I have no interest in talking to you, I'm leaving" It dawned on me that something was going on there. Then all of the other things she said/did started lining up with BPD, more specifically, a BPD hermit.

Appreciate your story. My favorite part on  BPDf is listening to the stories.

In some ways, I wish I could get a definite answer: Will she ever try to come back? Will she not?

At this point: I'm assuming that she's done. She's never trying to come back. Once my heart agrees with that, then I'll be golden.

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« Reply #33 on: March 14, 2015, 09:18:06 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"
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« Reply #34 on: March 14, 2015, 09:49:06 PM »

In some ways, I wish I could get a definite answer: Will she ever try to come back? Will she not?

As Benjamin Franklin said, "in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." The older I get, the more I appreciate the wisdom of this. He said it in reference to the permanency of the United States Constitution - something that was very important to him.

It's difficult to accept that there are so few certainties, especially when it comes to someone or something important to us. It's only human to wish for definite answers.

The reality is that no one can give you a definite answer to that question.

But the good news is that... .it doesn't matter. Because that's the wrong question, anyway.

If answers are what you want, then start asking questions of yourself. Take this opportunity to learn about yourself. Instead of will she ever come back?, ask yourself something like why would I want her back?. For every question you think of about her, reframe it to make it about you.

Because You and your answers are important.  
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« Reply #35 on: March 14, 2015, 10:15:56 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.
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« Reply #36 on: March 14, 2015, 10:30:59 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.

Just to clarify, my ex and I were getting back close again, but she was always telling me then that she felt like I was overbearing on her. She would come over for the night, everything would go well, and then later that night she would text me about how I was oversexualizing her, making her feel belittled, disrespecting her, acting immature, etc. I kept telling her to just TELL ME in the moment when something I was doing was just making her upset, but she wouldn't. She would just keep texting me after she went home. Finally, the last couple times I saw her, she would just act cold and indifferent around me. It was like I was losing her, and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel horrible. Finally one night, I just snapped at her. And that's when everything went downhill.


Here's my point: Things were more gradual than maybe I have been describing here. There was definitely a period of time where she was actively emotionally detaching from me. She TOLD me as much, using that exact word "detach."


That is what has been driving me insane guys, that she actively desired to detach herself from me, she could come over, see me ever night, and over time, force herself to first: Stop loving me, Second: Stop caring about me Third: Stop being "concerned" about me. Now: Silence.

Is that typical BPD at all?
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« Reply #37 on: March 14, 2015, 10:46:40 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.

Just to clarify, my ex and I were getting back close again, but she was always telling me then that she felt like I was overbearing on her. She would come over for the night, everything would go well, and then later that night she would text me about how I was oversexualizing her, making her feel belittled, disrespecting her, acting immature, etc. I kept telling her to just TELL ME in the moment when something I was doing was just making her upset, but she wouldn't. She would just keep texting me after she went home. Finally, the last couple times I saw her, she would just act cold and indifferent around me. It was like I was losing her, and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel horrible. Finally one night, I just snapped at her. And that's when everything went downhill.


Here's my point: Things were more gradual than maybe I have been describing here. There was definitely a period of time where she was actively emotionally detaching from me. She TOLD me as much, using that exact word "detach."


That is what has been driving me insane guys, that she actively desired to detach herself from me, she could come over, see me ever night, and over time, force herself to first: Stop loving me, Second: Stop caring about me Third: Stop being "concerned" about me. Now: Silence.

Is that typical BPD at all?

really it sounds like a young woman who wanted to end a relationship. Look, maybe she texted you because she didn't feel she could tell you face to face. Maybe she didn't know how to express herself, maybe she felt afraid. I'm not even sure how long you two dated, but you may be throwing a label on her that may not be the right one. She just may have been a young woman who wanted to be single again and not deal with the angst of being in a relationship. That's hard to face. But let me tell you, at your age you have many things worse than her ending the relationship to face yet. M. Scott Peck says in his book THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED, l"life is hard, once you learn that then it gets easier." This may be a good chance to face a life lesson and grow in maturity.

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« Reply #38 on: March 14, 2015, 10:58:30 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.

Just to clarify, my ex and I were getting back close again, but she was always telling me then that she felt like I was overbearing on her. She would come over for the night, everything would go well, and then later that night she would text me about how I was oversexualizing her, making her feel belittled, disrespecting her, acting immature, etc. I kept telling her to just TELL ME in the moment when something I was doing was just making her upset, but she wouldn't. She would just keep texting me after she went home. Finally, the last couple times I saw her, she would just act cold and indifferent around me. It was like I was losing her, and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel horrible. Finally one night, I just snapped at her. And that's when everything went downhill.


Here's my point: Things were more gradual than maybe I have been describing here. There was definitely a period of time where she was actively emotionally detaching from me. She TOLD me as much, using that exact word "detach."


That is what has been driving me insane guys, that she actively desired to detach herself from me, she could come over, see me ever night, and over time, force herself to first: Stop loving me, Second: Stop caring about me Third: Stop being "concerned" about me. Now: Silence.

Is that typical BPD at all?

really it sounds like a young woman who wanted to end a relationship. Look, maybe she texted you because she didn't feel she could tell you face to face. Maybe she didn't know how to express herself, maybe she felt afraid. I'm not even sure how long you two dated, but you may be throwing a label on her that may not be the right one. She just may have been a young woman who wanted to be single again and not deal with the angst of being in a relationship. That's hard to face. But let me tell you, at your age you have many things worse than her ending the relationship to face yet. M. Scott Peck says in his book THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED, l"life is hard, once you learn that then it gets easier." This may be a good chance to face a life lesson and grow in maturity.

I appreciate your honesty. You're right in that I find few stories of Girls doing this gradual detachment thing. If it weren't for all the other things she did and said, I would have also chaulked it up to her just wanting to leave me. But honestly, I've never come across a person who straight up tells you "I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

Like i'm the plague or something.

We dated for a year and a half btw.
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« Reply #39 on: March 14, 2015, 11:08:32 PM »

Excerpt
"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!
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« Reply #40 on: March 14, 2015, 11:10:06 PM »

"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!

I appreciate your uplifting words!

Listen, so it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of a borderline to gradually devalue you, right in front of you? And even tell you as much?
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« Reply #41 on: March 14, 2015, 11:13:01 PM »

I appreciate your honesty. You're right in that I find few stories of Girls doing this gradual detachment thing. If it weren't for all the other things she did and said, I would have also chaulked it up to her just wanting to leave me. But honestly, I've never come across a person who straight up tells you "I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

Like i'm the plague or something.

We dated for a year and a half btw.

Gradually detaching as you put it is just devaluing, which is BPD standard. They detach by devaluing you more and more and then, something happens and you are black and gone. It may seem like an isolated event but in their mind it is a more gradual process. To be honest your ex's pattern of behaviour does sound a lot like my ex. She wasn't much older than you, and sometimes you think 'oh she's just young and immature and doesn't know what she wants' etc. But for me it wasn't this simple. I could see this behaviour with others she was close to (such as family), so I had another reference. Perhaps if you didn't have this it is harder to know whether its just with you and your situation.

Also maybe she felt you were overbearing because you were getting too close again, and she assumed you would 'abandon' her like you did before, so getting close again caused pain for her. Maybe she has BPS, maybe she doesn't. She at least shows some traits, so you know she is somewhere along that road and you can make sense of some of the behaviour.
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« Reply #42 on: March 14, 2015, 11:18:44 PM »

Excerpt
"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!

I appreciate your uplifting words!

Listen, so it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of a borderline to gradually devalue you, right in front of you? And even tell you as much?

Not at all, in fact that's the standard cycle of the disorder.  It's just a coping mechanism used by someone who can't deal with their emotions any other way.  Again, you don't need that crap, too many nice girls in the world.  Go have fun.
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« Reply #43 on: March 14, 2015, 11:38:10 PM »

"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!

I appreciate your uplifting words!

Listen, so it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of a borderline to gradually devalue you, right in front of you? And even tell you as much?

Not at all, in fact that's the standard cycle of the disorder.  It's just a coping mechanism used by someone who can't deal with their emotions any other way.  Again, you don't need that crap, too many nice girls in the world.  Go have fun.

A few days ago, I talked to her ex boyfriend, her very first boyfriend, who dated her when she was like 15-16. She had one boyfriend after that before she met me, a complete scumbag who was always pushing her around ( i physically saw it happen with my own eyes, not speculation ). She actually dumped him finally. Interestingly enough, her Mom liked the second boyfriend ( Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post))

Here's part of the conversation:

Me: William, did she ever do things to you like giving you the silent treatment, screaming at you, acting overly emotional over little things, stuff like that?

William: Yes

Me: Go on, please

William: She got really emotional end of junior year into senior year because of her family drama. She tried to act like everything was okay but I knew different. Just like most people she tries to hide her problems but made it worse. Just try to wait it out, she will cool down hopefully and stop harassing you.

      Point being: William knew my ex years ago. I think that my uBPDexgf really never got over her parents divorce. It was probably the cause of the disorder, if she has it. For me, I think things just really devolved in her mind at the end of our time together. They do say that signs of the disorder come along around her age.

And

Another point: William said that my ex didn't contact him after he dumped her. That for two years, and only after he contacted her, did they talk again. And I know my ex has painted me a deep deep shade of black.  :'(

Now their relationship was nothing like my relationship with her. But he knew my ex her whole life, and he saw her "before" and "after" the divorce. And he said that she changed. And I have read a ton about how traumatic events like divorces can bring along BPD. I'm not saying that they always do, but I'm saying that William gave me corroborating evidence that something in her changed.

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« Reply #44 on: March 15, 2015, 12:33:43 AM »

Reecer... .you are stuck here... .I want the best for you but you really need to take care of you... .yes it is very difficult, you don't need to tell me, I have been there and still deal with this catastrophe daily after 6 months, but I think that the best thing for you is to fall in love with Reece and take care of him.

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« Reply #45 on: March 15, 2015, 02:36:58 AM »

First of all: I haven’t read all the comments above and maybe I repeat what other people have told already. Anyway. This post might be a bit longer.

In a lot of ways I am like you. When I love someone I always will in some way. When I love someone I love them unconditionally. That’s not a problem per se. It is though if the one receiving your love isn’t really capable of doing so. I’ll be the last to abandon someone. You can call me a co-dependent, a „people fixer“, someone who would give everything for someone else. I even became a social pedagogue, that speaks for itself I guess. I love humans, that’s why I do this (and of course because of my upbringing in childhood)e. But I never saw that I was a hypocrite and you know why? I was a do-gooder but only for others, not for myself. If I would’ve treated other people the way I treated myself, dear god, I would’ve been in jail already. I was an abuser, I abused MYSELF. I’m not proud of it but I’ll admit something I haven’t before: I’m an asperger and because of that I used to self harm in the past. Autistic people do that as well, yes, though they might have different reasons as BPDs have. I never was really someone to cut myself, I did it maybe twice in my teenage years. I more was one to hit my face or hands, to scratch, to bite (I’m not proud at all of that and even now when telling this I am kind of ashamed) myself, to rub some scratchy texture on my skin etc. It was all about stimulation or of coping for reducing the high stress levels. When I was with my exBPDgf my stress levels were high as a kite. In the end I suffered from adrenal fatigue. And I cut myself one time again. I don’t even know WHY. But I did and now there’s an ugly scar gracing my arm. No, it wasn’t her fault at all. It was mine. But that’s what I mean. Everytime I look on my arm I’m reminded of how stupid I was. And it’s not just a metaphor for the things I did when being with her. I drank huge amounts of alcohol when being with her. Again, not her fault but my because I didn’t get out. I started manipulating HER (or at least I tried, aspergers aren’t good in doing that anyway…) because I felt that was the only way to get along and help her. No, I actually enabled her, hurt her etc. I somewhat turned borderline myself. Believe me, you don’t want that. Even if you love her. Is there any worth when in the end you take all your energy to love someone else but not yourself? And would there be any use for your exGF in doing so? You’d be miserable. I felkt like turning into a zombie in the end.My anxiety levels were high as they’ve never been before. And I’ve been afraid of life since ever due to the aspergers and high sensitivity. It felt like living in hell. Even months after the break up I literally was afraid of EVERYTHING. I turned kinda paranoid that some bad things would happen to me.

Be glad (I know, I know, you can’t, I couldn’t as well in the beginning) that she’s not reaching out to you. Be glad she’s not trying to recycle. I had to go to practice after the final discard where she was attending as well. She didn’t even need to try to reach out again because she was still there. She smeared me, then she left the team finally only to visit matches a month later. She never approached me directly, it was always done covertly and it kept me from detaching because I was ruminating a lot why she showed up etc. (hermits and/or the ones with narcissistic traits don’t reach out directly, they are too proud to do so). It didn’t help but kept me stuck. Then she gave me a huge gift when she finally deleted the WhatsApp-group of our team she’d still been in even if she was no team mate anymore. Only then I was also able to remove myself from my sports team so she never would’ve any opportunity to show up again. I have no idea if she’s still living in the same city, if she’s still visiting our matches, I burned every bridge and it was a good thing to do. I don’t know what she’s been up to lately and that’s a good thing.

You need to remove yourself from everything where there’ll be a chance you might see her or you’ll be even reminded of her.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like a zombie?

It doesn’t matter if you have scar tissue on your skin or on your soul/heart. But in some way we all are self-harming when wishing for them to come back. Not because they are evil or bad people, but because being in a relationship with them is toxic. And try to see the good in it. Nowadays I think that after all that happened that I am able to love deeply and unconditionally and that’s a good thing (if you take care of yourself as well). When we broke up it more felt like I wasted lots of energy and love for someone I shouldn’t have. But that’s not right as well. I did love her genuinely and that says a lot about myself. I loved her, not because she loved me (or at least she claimed to) but because I loved her as a human being. It showed me that I really am capable of loving. I’m not mad at her, there was never ever a time I hated her or had to forgive her because my love doesn’t have anything to do with her behaviour. I guess you call it detaching with love. I didn’t need to paint her black, to rage at her, to smear her, to devalue her, whatever else… I am detaching with love now. And it just shows how strong someone really is.
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« Reply #46 on: March 15, 2015, 04:42:17 AM »

HOW CAN SHE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?

By 'modifying' the facts to fit her feelings, cognitive distortion, and by projecting all her sht on you so you're a scumbag; these are coping tools used by someone with a mental illness.  If she was to accept reality and responsibility for her actions, she'd melt into a puddle of shame and could absolutely not tolerate it.  They are survival tools.  Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

God I just wish I could not care like she does.

No you don't.  I know where you're coming from, you're hurting, but if the option is to have a mental illness that is a hell of earth, it's best to pick temporary hurting that leads to profound growth.  Much better.

I just don't understand it. Why doesn't she love me anymore? Why doesn't she care? How could she have said all those hurtful things to me then drop me like yesterday's garbage when just a few nights before, she still told me that she loved me?

Why could she just get rid of me without anyone else there?


So instead of stalking her on Facebook, use the time to read the articles on this site and wherever else so you understand the disorder and why she does what she does; that is the path to detachment, what you're doing now is just prolonging your pain and is self-imposed.

I feel like I have no control over my emotions any more.

And that will change, you'll get your power back, but you need to follow direction and work through the process.  I may sound harsh but I'm just telling you the truth.  Take care of you!

People with BPD do modify the facts to fit their feelings and needs. It's soo hard to actually believe... but that is what a BPD does at any given moment. When I think about that... I know it is true ... .but if we really own that, there is just no possibility of having a relationship with someone who has that as a main coping skill. Think about it. I had difficulty facing that reality. All we can do is take care of ourselves and love us... .
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« Reply #47 on: March 15, 2015, 09:25:31 AM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

Yep. 7 months out and it's getting better. I was literally at her house with her and her kids like a normal family and a week later, I'm dumped and there's a new guy sitting in my spot. I was totally where you are, but there was a new guy now. Poof... .there he is. How could she toss me away? How can she forget all about me and my kids? All the above advice and guidance is correct. You will never get the closure you need from them. You may or may not get a little bit from them, but it will be all your fault. I'm getting better and stronger and you will too.
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« Reply #48 on: March 15, 2015, 10:15:22 AM »

Reecer,

It's hard, I know... .

We've all been through similar situations. It's hard to phantom how someone you could love so deeply could hurt and betray you in such a cruel and heartless manner. You start to doubt your whole existence, your whole being. You constantly replay the relationship in your mind, the memories, the times you were there for the person. You then focus, like you and I have done, how a person can just discard you like a piece of trash and move on?

Reecer, let me tell you something... .You are strong and most people in this world will have no understanding of that strength.

Like you, I don't know what my ex was. She wasn't a total BPD as you suspect either. I think she was an opportunist. Someone who needed me for some time. I used to blame myself for being blind to this. I think now I can safely say I am grateful to have gone through this.

Someday you will come to a point where you look at yourself with love and say, you know, I tried my best to be a good guy and love her. I tried my best to be there for her. I tried... .I tried to make my own dream come true, regardless of the warning signs. Regardless of the way she treated me.

See Reecer, my dream was always to have a beautiful girl. I don't know if was or is your dream but that dream blinded me from her bad behavior. It made me tolerate things that most guys would have never stood for. I put my needs aside and hoped that the more money, time and effort I would put in she would magically appreciate it and reciprocate.

It never happened, and quite honestly, I don't think she would have ever done so. I don't know you man but I imagine you are a good guy. Women like your ex, and mine, don't want good guys. They are attracted to people who are like themselves. Selfish and out of control individuals who don't have a care in the world.

My ex taught me some valuable lessons but she also tried to destroy me. She did not and Reecer you will rise above this.

Will she ever come back? Who knows? Maybe, maybe not. I ask the same question every day but recently I have been giving myself a slightly different answer.

I say to myself... .If E ever came back could I ever be with her again? Could I ever trust her? Would I be letting myself down by letting her back into my life? Even after all the misgivings, the months of no contact.

She doesn't need you now! She destroyed your town. I can assure you there will be a high probability that when you rebuild yourself she will return.

I hope and pray by that time, you, myself and others on this board will be strong enough to forgive but not forget.

I forgive my ex because she is sick. She is not like me. She has a mental disorder. I WILL not forget through the pain and agony I have had to endure because of her actions. Yes, E is beautiful on the outside, but her inside is cold, dark and ugly.

Reecer, it gets easier... .There will always be a part of you who hurts for the person you thought she was. But it takes a stronger man, a stronger person to be able to withstand the S^%@storm and come out a stronger individual.   

Like others have echoed, gain hobbies, work on your body, reconnect with friends, get out of your cave and travel. Rebuild what you have because what you have is awesome. You're 19 years old. Many of us didnt learn our lessons to years later. Be grateful, grow and be well!
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« Reply #49 on: March 15, 2015, 10:55:29 AM »

For all our sake I hope none  of our expbds come back. 100.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #50 on: March 15, 2015, 11:22:54 AM »

Guys, our exes gave us the gift of knowledge. They are allowing us too heal when they don't return. I'm thinking differently lately, I don't blame her for everything. Because all along I had a choice. And so do all of you.
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« Reply #51 on: March 15, 2015, 01:07:45 PM »

Guys, our exes gave us the gift of knowledge. They are allowing us too heal when they don't return. I'm thinking differently lately, I don't blame her for everything. Because all along I had a choice. And so do all of you.

THIS SO MUCH!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #52 on: March 15, 2015, 02:30:32 PM »

No, she won't. As simple as that.
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« Reply #53 on: March 15, 2015, 04:20:35 PM »

No, she won't. As simple as that.

I disagree. Sometimes they TRY and comeback. But only if you allow it.
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« Reply #54 on: March 15, 2015, 05:12:12 PM »

if she doesn't come back it will be very good news for reecer1588 so he could move on with his life and start the healing process.
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« Reply #55 on: March 15, 2015, 05:34:09 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

Don't get me wrong, but I have the feeling, that you really want her to be borderline, because when she is borderline, you hope, that she will come back. But when she is borderline, she will never make you happy. Everything will get worse, not better. And even when she is not a pwBPD - when you have done nothing wrong in the relationship, you deserve something better. It doesn't matter if she has a full blown PD or is just immature. She is not the right partner for you. She is on a different page.   
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« Reply #56 on: March 15, 2015, 07:09:13 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

Don't get me wrong, but I have the feeling, that you really want her to be borderline, because when she is borderline, you hope, that she will come back. But when she is borderline, she will never make you happy. Everything will get worse, not better. And even when she is not a pwBPD - when you have done nothing wrong in the relationship, you deserve something better. It doesn't matter if she has a full blown PD or is just immature. She is not the right partner for you. She is on a different page.   

Very good statement.
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« Reply #57 on: March 15, 2015, 09:46:51 PM »

Staff only

The topic of discussion is worthwhile and is locked. A new and similar topic of discussion can be created.
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